Funny: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Humor of a more civilized age...
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- Unskippable's take on the Stock Characters in the Return trailer:
Graham: "Listen to Not-Alec-Guiness and run to the Not-Millenium-Falcon and join Not-Han-Solo!"
"I'm the Old Republic... get off my damn space-lawn, you rebels!"
- And of course;
- "Weapons, name-calling, and cheating are all encouraged!" From the trailer for "Huttball"
- Also, "These Huttball Obstacles are provided by Czerka Corporation. Czerka: Brilliant solutions for a Brighter Tomorrow.
- Rapidly going memetic, at least on some servers, is the announcer's amazing and unprecedented observation, "Hutts don't have feet!"
- The new Huttball arena on Quesh comes with a new intro by Baron Deathmark: "Murder? Encouraged! Cheating? Of course! Cannibalism? You can be the first!"
- A reoccurring, but not overly common in the initial release, bug causes an NPC during a cutscene to appear to be less than a foot tall. Can be made funnier if it happens to be somebody trying to be intimidating, or Jedi Master Satele Shan leading the council when you can't even see her in her chair.
- All the classes regenerate health by performing a specific, in-character "rest animation", no matter how absurd the injury. This means characters can jump off 4-story balconies, then mend their shattered bones by reloading, thinking hard, pacing in frustration, or shooting a coin. You can literally Walk It Off.
- It gets better: As of 1.2, lingering damage-over-time effects no longer interrupt your healing. This means it's entirely possible to be calmly meditating, pacing about, or whatever, while on fire.
- Several of the species-class-appearance combinations are amusing. How about a Miraluka note Sniper? Or a Sith Pureblood Jedi? Maybe a waifish Sith Juggernaut, or a Chiss Smuggler flirting with everything in sight and unable to make a single serious comment?
- The loading screen will sometimes tell you that "During space combat, press the SPACEBAR to do a barrel roll!"
- Sometimes when you walk by two or more NPCs in the game, you'll overhear them conversing. One such group of NPCs is located on Nar Shaddaa on the outdoor part of the Promenade. It's a human, his protocol droid, and an astromech droid that the human is angry at. To really understand where this is going you need to know that this is taking place on a walkway many, many, many stories above the ground.
Droid Owner: I'm onto you, short stuff. I've seen you Free Droid Enclave wackos puttering about. I'd better not catch you filling my droid's head with mutinous nonsense!
Astromech Droid: [in beeps and whistles] Loudmouthed organic = problematic // Violent "accident" = advisable
Droid Owner: What did he say?
Protocol Droid: Nothing subversive, master. Shall we go for a walk?
- Some of the later droid drops include vendor trash called an "Apathy Unit."
- Bring HK-51 to the Shrine of Healing on Voss, get this:
HK: Complaint: the Shrine of Healing... so this is where the Voss undo all my hard work!
- Treek's entrance. The droid hypes up her badassitude, and it cuts to her, and... she's an Ewok. She then proceeds to walk through a group of people and knock them all over for no reason.
- The new Bounty Brokers Association has this unexpected gem of character action when accepting a kingpin contract:
*Activate: Kingpin Contract**Channel: Reading Contract. Time: 240 seconds**interrupts itself after 10 seconds**Channel: Sighing. Time: 1.5 seconds**Channel: Signing Contract. Time: 2.0 seconds*Player: Uggh...
- Many of the interactions between Jakarro, a Wookiee Smuggler, and C2-D4, a mostly dismantled protocol droid strapped to his chest.
C2-D4: And next time you headbutt somebody, use your own skull!
- The April Fools 2015 blog post, introducing Mega Mounts, which are far too big to pilot, Micro Mounts, which are too small to pilot, and Stationary Mounts, which as their names imply don't move at all.
General Republic Storylines
- On Ord Mantell, the PC can encounter Lamalla Rann, a gleefully amoral reporter who asks them to find and retrieve the footage shot by her assistant Waxx. The whole sidequest is an exercise in "what the hell is wrong with you?" comedy, especially when, after the PC reports back to a completely unsurprised Lamalla that her assistant has joined the separatist cause, Lamalla drops this gem:
Lamalla: Once when we were on Tatooine he ran off and lived with the Jawas for two weeks. Said they were his spiritual kin.
Lamalla: Fantastic! Good to see someone with the complete lack of scruples needed to protect justice and freedom in the Republic!
- His over-the-top enthusiasm extoling the virtues of the sepratists is full Face Palm territory.
- As you finish up, Lamalla cheerfully informs you that if you get wounded, she'll do a story on you.
- Another priceless line from Lamalla if the PC responds positively to the prospect of being bribed:
- When recruiting you for the job:
- On Ord Mantell, you can report a couple of soldiers to a Republic ethics officer for letting refugees run a minefield as an "obstacle course" and betting on the results. The officer protests that he shut the gambling ring down weeks ago, providing an opportunity for priceless snark:
PC: Nope. Refugees blowing up everywhere.
- On Tython, the PC is asked to investigate a pair of Padawans whose masters think are, well, "giving in to their passions". When you find them:
Padawan: I swear, this isn't what you think it is!PC: I think you two are romantically involved.(Beat)Padawan: Okay, maybe it is what you think it is.
PC: (if male) When you're done with him, I'll take one too.PC: (if female) Go ahead, plant one on him. I would, he's cute.
- Right before that, the PC will witness the female about to kiss the male, and can interrupt with this:
- On Coruscant, you have to deal with the Migrant Merchants Guild's plan to blow up the Senate. Jedi comment that they cannot allow innocents to be harmed. The Trooper and the Smuggler, on the other hand:
Trooper: Nobody's torching Garza's office. Not while I'm around. Time to frag some criminals.
Smuggler: Sure, the Senate Tower is a little gaudy, but that's no reason to burn it down...
- On encountering a battered security agent:
Officer Anstiss: I'm seeing double, but you both look as you can handle yourself.
- The quest she gives you involves arresting the thug who beat her up. He's not inclined to go peacefully, but a Jedi can be rather persuasive. His guard's not amused.
Zooki: That's a dirty Jedi trick!
- The quest she gives you involves arresting the thug who beat her up. He's not inclined to go peacefully, but a Jedi can be rather persuasive. His guard's not amused.
- If you look at the extras dancing in the background while you're talking to Nizkif, you can see that some if not most of them are terrible dancers.
- During their stay on Taris, Republic characters will run into Co'overma and her assistant Liefer. The quest to aid them in their valiant efforts to save the poor, innocent endangered nexu is short and easy, but the dialogue is pure gold.
Co'overma: I am the voice of the voiceless, protector of the nexu, the most beautiful, intelligent, adaptable-
Liefer: Giant, drooling cat monsters with big pointy spikes...
- On the Republic's version of Taris, at the end of a quest requiring you to contract the Rakghoul plague, the medical droid that ends the quest asks if you 'have any of the following symptoms: dizziness, fever, shortness of breath or an inexhaustible hunger for sentient flesh?'
PC: Well, I could kind of go for a Nerf burger. Does that count?
- More on the quest to contract the rakghoul plague. The doctor tells you what she has in mind after you bring her some three-hundred-year-old serum which was effective against the plague back then but which, unfortunately isn't enough by itself to immunize against the mutated virus. She does, however, speculate that an extraordinarily healthy individual protected by the serum might be able to produce antibodies that can be used to create an effective vaccine. If the PC realizes where she's going and chooses to say "Uh-oh," the doctor will elaborate:
Dr. Ianna Cel: I need someone with proven recuperative powers. Someone who gets injured almost on a daily basis. Ideally they would have survived stabbings, shootings, poison, infections...maybe all of the above. I understand your profession exposes you to...physical punishment. Do you think you could survive infection?
- Responses to this last question include "I guess I'm pretty unkillable," and "No, no, no!" If you agree to it, she tells you to get out there, find a rakghoul, and get it to bite you. No, she doesn't have the virus in a needle, sorry.
- While dealing with a Pirate doctor:
Doctor Ryamn: No, the stuff is down there. I swear on my medical licence. The real one.
Doctor Ryamn: What is this? I'm getting robbed by Jedi? I thought you guys were allergic to credits or something!
- His indignation if a Jedi character shakes him down for the serum:
"Oh, they like credits just fine ... it's charm they're allergic to."
- If you can manage to have a Smuggler on a team with Jedi, and get control of the response, you might get the chance to reply:
Remember that time you shot your way into a Death's Claw pirate camp and met the local medic? Remember how he convinced you not to subject his patients to a horrible rakghoul-y death by stealing his vaccine supply?
- If the PC agrees to leave Dr. Ryamn his batch of rakghoul serum and go looking for the alternate source he promises is there, he eventually sends an email titled "Doctor Death's Claw Says Hi," which begins thusly:
That was me. How's things with you?
- An overheard conversation in Anchorhead on Tatooine. If it doesn't remind you of a couple of things, you aren't paying attention.
Customer: This droid you sold me is a hunk of junk! I want a refund!
Jawa Vendor: No refunds!
Customer: Come on, the thing's vocabulator went out within 20 minutes of my getting home!
Jawa Vendor: Vocabulator not broken! Is feature!
Customer: How is that a feature? Honestly, what good is a protocol droid that can't even talk?
- By the time you get to Tatooine, you will generally have had enough 'interaction' with your ship droid that the prospect is quite attractive.
- Andra Cressen in Alderaan when you rescue her. Depends on your class, she will make funny comments and snarks at the interrogator. You can also snark at him too, making him say that both of you have gone crazy.
- At one of the Republic bases on Hoth, two soldiers discuss the food that the Ortolans have been making. One prefers to stick to his field rations, while the other loved tauntaun stew, and is looking forward to eating wampa... if only to return the favor.
- For Republic players arriving at the Axial Park Tram Station, you can overhear a parent complaining to a soldier how animals at the zoo had escaped from their cages and traumatized his daughter (the daughter disagrees). Remember that Corellia is in the middle of a war right now.
Father: Everywhere I looked, there were beasts bursting out of cages!Daughter: We got to pet the animals! Tell him, daddy!Republic Soldier: Sir, we're in the middle of a ground war.Father: The Zoo is supposed to be safe, officer. This was very traumatizing!Daughter: It was great!Republic Soldier: Sir, for the safety of your girl, please evacuate Axial Park.
- Overheard in Outpost Thorazan, situated out in the ass end of nowhere (aka the Dune Sea) on scenic Tatooine:
Militia Guard 1: You know, some planets don't have to put up with this all the time. The heat, I mean.
Militia Guard 2: Yeah?
Militia Guard 1: Yeah. Most planets have these things called "seasons". Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's cold, but most of the time it's downright tolerable.
Militia Guard 2: Huh.
- One quest on Tatoonine, The Geonosian Offensive, has this little exhange with the quest giver:
Jawa: Maybe you make Bug-people leave so Jawa can go home ?Player: I'm sure I can persuade them to move along one way or anotherJawa: Renishi thinks maybe grenades work better than words on bug-people.
- A quest on Tatooine seemingly involves helping a local hero recover his loved ones from pirates. His "loved ones" turn out to be his collection of miniature toy droids. If you read the quest item's description in your inventory, you'll find that your character already feels the urge to smash them. His friend is in disbelief when you take the light side option to finish the quest, begs the guy to tell him this is a joke, then facepalms as the hero thanks you again.
- When you get to Makeb and have to rescue a researcher from the imminent ground-quake related collapse of a ground-quake shelternote , you can be as snarky as ever:
*looks around at the collapsing structure* "Who built this? The lowest bidder?"
- After defeating the builder of a massive starship you are trying to claim for the Republic:
Veedrig: Never let it be said I'm not generous in defeat. You can have this incredible marvel of starship design at a twenty-percent discount.
[Large chunk falls off in the background]
- If the Player Character is a Jedi and romanced Theron in Shadows of Revan, then the part where Satele praises them for being a fine example of Jedi ideals becomes unintentionally hilarious, since she says it right after you sleep with her son. One can only imagine what she'd actually say if she knew the truth...
- It's not quite as funny, but still worth a chuckle if the Jedi Player Character pulled a Dating Catwoman and had a fling with Lana Beniko. Somehow, it's doubtful the Order's Grandmaster would approve shagging a Sith any more than she would approve of shagging her estranged kid.
- When starting Shadow of Revan and landing on Rishi, a Republic player is immediately greeted with a mix of awe and fear—apparently someone's been spreading rumors that they're a bloodthirsty pirate and cannibal, much to their confusion.
Merchant: Oh! Uh, hello! You're from the Red Hulls, aren't you? Welcome to Raider's Cove! Nothing but fellow pirates here, you and your crew don't have to kill or maim or eat anyone! ...Right?Player: Kill or...what? What are you talking about?Merchant: It's what you do, everyone knows! And it's no big deal! I'm sure those people your crew ate on Taloraan had it coming.
Bartender: You're, uh...not going to eat him, are you? Because that's the last thing I need people saying about my place.
- After killing one Too Dumb to Live idiot who attacks you in a cantina, the owner's only concern is this:
Crier Droid: Greetings, gentlebeing! Let me regale you with the tale of the Red Hulls and their monstrous, flesh-eating captain! (gasps) Oh, my! You are the monstrous, flesh-eating captain of the Red Hulls! What a singular pleasure to meet you!
- Meeting a droid that's apparently a fan of yours:
Player: Please listen to me! I am not a cannibal! I am not a pirate! I just came for information!(long Beat in which everyone stares at you, then goes back to babbling about how fearsome you are)
- While following a lead, one guy utterly panics when he sees you, pretending not to speak Basic and, when that doesn't work, rapidly begging you to please don't kill and eat him, he'll pay you off, he swears!
- What makes all this even better is that, no matter what you say or do, everyone is utterly convinced that you are a violent, flesh-eating pirate, and that by saying you're not you're just testing them.
Player: Don't forget cannibals. I hear that's actually a problem around here.C2-D4: Well, I certainly don't have anything to fear on that front... I hope.
- When you finally meet up with your comrades, they're complaining about the jungle creatures and pirates...
Jedi Knight Storyline
- After completing the Jedi Knight class quest on Nar Shaddaa, which culminates in your killing a Sith Lord, you get a letter in the mailbox... from a rival Sith, thanking you for paring down the competition.
- After Master Orgus dryly remarks that he thought the Knight would have arrived sooner on Alderaan, the Knight can sarcastically comment that it's what happens when you're forced to walk everywhere.
- On Alderaan an ambush (and subsequent boss fight) by an absolutely huge Killik causes Orgus Din to dryly remark:
Master Orgus: If this thing eats us, you're fired.
- When facing Lord Nefarid, basically a Sith Assassin who is all about being sneaky and invisible, you are given the option to say "I don't need to see you. I can smell you." The response from the Sith suggests he thinks that was Actually Pretty Funny.
- Gains an extra layer if you play a Miraluka.
- Some of Kira's random lines when you talk to her are certainly worth mentioning:
Kira: One of the things I learned on my first Council meeting is that I can sleep standing up.Kira: If you mashed Hoth together with Tatooine, would it make a decent planet with nice weather?
Kira: Dear Czerka, please stop discovering horrible ancient things. Love, Kira.Kira: Blasted Imperials. Their architecture really clashes with the rest of Alderaan's decor.
- Which can also be said of some of her natter when she accompanies you in the field:
- Her astute assessment of how Republic fashions pale in comparison to those in the Empire;
- If you pursue the Jedi Knight romance path with Kira, she actually researches marriage amongst the Jedi. Her findings are... not encouraging.
- More of an Offscreen Moment of Funny, but on one occasion, you walk in on Doc reminiscing about his past failed relationships. He mentions that he went to chat up Kira, and then suddenly felt the urge to go think about his past lovers - the implication being that she Jedi Mind Tricked him, which you can point out to him if you like.
- A romance with Doc is similarly amusing when marriage comes up. The proposal is hilariously awkward at first, and then, when the Jedi Knight accepts, he yells out that things are a go... and out of nowhere comes a protocol droid authorized to marry them. One of the possible responses is a literal "where the hell did you come from?" moment. Apparently, it's been on the very small ship for weeks without anyone noticing.
- Kaliyo makes a cameo while Doc goes off to heal Nem'ro the Hutt. Doc's paying her to be his hostage in case Nem'ro decides to keep him - apparently, they're old friends. And she gives the female Jedi Knight romance advice, of a sort.
Kaliyo: Every girl is allowed one indiscretion. Doc counts as two.
- And then Doc returns to the ship and starts angling for a threesome. Cue epic eyeroll from Kaliyo.
- A romanced Doc discovers the joys of sex with a Jedi:
Doc: I swear everytime we're together, it's different. You're not using Jedi mind tricks on me, are you?
Jedi Knight: Would you be excited if I said "yes"?
Doc: Sure. I mean, no. I don't know. Are you doing it right now? Don't answer that.
- In the Hoth storyline, you can use Force Persuade on the mercenaries guarding the generator. The leader appears to be unaffected. Not so with his goons however, as they immediately put their blasters on the ground and ran, leaving the leader in confusion since he had no idea what you just did.
- The situation at the end of Chapter 2 is dire, but bringing T7 along is good for a giggle, if only at the droid's optimism.
T7-01: (when confronted by Lord Scourge) Emperor's Wrath + Emperor = two targets // T7 = taking Emperor?
- While infiltrating an Imperial space station, Lord Scourge transmits some false IDs which makes the station thinking a Grand Moff is arriving:
Imperial Security Officer: You'll find our security airtight.
Lord Scourge: (to himself) That is unlikely.
- After the completion of the final mission, in which the Knight and his/her crew assault the Emperor's base on Dromund Kaas, Scourge will reprimand the protagonist if he/she chose to take a detour and save one of their trapped crewmates, deviating from Scourge's original plan. Choosing the bottom dialogue option leads to this.
Scourge: "You gave the Emperor time to gather his strength. We are all lucky to be alive."Jedi Knight: "Are you seriously criticizing me for not following your stupid plan? I just saved the galaxy, you idiot!"
- For bonus points, choosing this option results in a massive affection gain from every other crew member.
Jedi Consular Storyline
- The Jedi Consular doesn't get many of these, as they have an extremely low-key and deadpan sense of humor. This makes the infiltration of the Imperial Facility on Nar Shaddaa even funnier, as they will suddenly come out with a outrageous British accent and start throwing their weight around like a stereotypical Sith Lord. This comes totally from nowhere, and most amazingly actually works.
- By the same token, on Ilum, they can express their dismay at being sent back out into the freezing temperatures—already funny, made a thousand times more hilarious by the fact that it's being said in the Consular's voice:
Do you know what the temperature is out there? I've got frostbite on my... somewhere you really don't want to get frostbite.
- When you are first introduced to the Trandoshan, Qyzen Fess, in the Jedi Temple you can say you're honoured to meet him. Or you can ask if he's also a Jedi. Or you can just throw tact to the wind and respond like this:
Master Yuon Par: Padawan, come in. This is Qyzen Fess, an old friend. He's here on a hunting expedition, a sacred Trandoshan tradition.
You: It's a freaky giant lizard.
- On Nar Shaddaa you confront Master Fain, he comments how he and Master Yuon Par actually had a fling.
Consular: You and Master Yuon? That's...not an image I needed.
- After boarding Lord Vivicar's ship using your own, and cutting your way through some of his guards, he communicates with you while you're hacking a door.
Vivicar: I wasn't sure if you'd be foolish enough to come aboard, Jedi, but I can sense your presence.Consular: (without bothering to look up from the console) Did the docking starship clue you in as well?
- One of the moments that delves into pure hilarity in the Consular story is, during the 3rd chapter on Belsavis, the Consular is confronted by a Rehabilitation droid who was told by a defector that the Consular is actually a prisoner who believes he is a Jedi. Even the Consular can't help but chuckle (some slight paraphrasing here):
Droid: You match the patient's description perfectly.
Consular: I am a member of the Jedi Order.
Droid: The first step to being cured is admitting to your sickness.
Droid: Greetings, and welcome to the psychiatric ward.
- Iresso also gets in a hilarious line if he's with you:
Iresso: Somehow, I always knew this was how I would end up.
- If you help out a Jawa tribe on Tatooine, they give you a Jawa cloak, making you a member of the tribe. There's just one tiny problem:
Consular: It's a little small, don't you think?
Tteek Tlek: Um. Is hood for Jedi?
- On Hoth, Iresso stops a mutiny from his troops by subduing the dissenting trooper and then assigning him a week of chipping off the ice on the comm aerials. Later on, you get a chance to talk to him again.
Private Kree: I know I screwed up, but...have you seen the ice on those aerials?
- On Makeb, as you walk into a town hit hard by a groundquake, and then overrun by mercenaries, the rest of your party expresses dismay over the conditions. Iresso's reaction...differs.
Iresso: Now this is living! All we have to do is kick the Regulators around a little, and we're good to go.
- One of your conversations with Tharan Cedrax and his sentient female hologram companion Holiday goes like this if you pick a particular response to the first words out of his mouth.
Tharan: Jedi, Holiday and I have an announcement to make.
Consular: Then I hope it's a lovely wedding, and you have a dozen holo-children.
Holiday: [delighted] Oh Tharan, that's a thought.
Tharan: [perturbed] Moving along!
- Tharan is the healer companion, and like most of these, he has a crowd control ability. However, whereas every other healer companion either sprays carbonite or zaps the target to paralyze them, Tharan summons Holiday to dance in front of the target, which puts them into a trance. What makes this extra funny is when you consider that it works on everything - women, droids, beasts, and even the abominations on Voss.
- A little Getting Crap Past the Radar:
Tharan: I have a little something to handle that.
Holiday: (flickers to life, with her usual flirty voice) A little something? You're so modest, Tharan. (disappears)
- If the male Consular romances Nadia, one of his conversations with Qyzen will actually address that; namely, through the Trandoshan offering the Consular the skinned pelt of a Wookiee—something that is considered an exceptional courting gift amongst his people—to give to Nadia. It's mostly the tone in which they say the following that makes this little exchange so funny:
Consular: [completely deadpan] Nadia's not the sort of woman who truly appreciates a Wookiee pelt. She's funny that way.
Qyzen: (sighs) Is so hard to please females.
- The climax of the Consular's Tython storyline occurs with a highly dramatic cutscene of the Consular using the Force to assemble their first lightsaber, holding it proudly aloft against the setting sun. Then, with the storyline's antagonist waiting menacingly outside, the Consular returns to player control to descend the steps of the Forge and meet their would-be nemesis... but since the stairs down from the Forge are long, steep, and very narrow, it's entirely possible to misjudge the path and send the Consular stepping off the edge of the staircase and crashing unceremoniously to the ground below in a prime moment of unintentional slapstick comedy. (Doubly funny if the Consular is a Miraluka.)
- Two Words. Sticky Grenade, toss it on someone and watch them fumble around trying to grab it, then go off flying. Even droids imediately panic when one gets thrown on them.
- On Coruscant, dealing with the Cyborg Sleeper Agents becomes very amusing if one plays as the Cyborg Trooper. In particular, their nervousness upon being convinced to open the door gains a new layer of subtext, making them appear embarrassed that their rescuer was one of those... how did they put it, "cyborg freaks?"
- During a mission on Taris, you can flirt with Elara Dorne:
Trooper: I might be hurt, Sergeant — you'd better come rescue and search me.
Elara: Flirtation and other non-critical communication over priority holochannels are strictly forbidden by procedural guidelines, sir.
Jorgan: I am pretty sure that was a "No", Lieutenant.
- On Nar Shaddaa you end up raiding a penthouse in a casino housing Imperial officers leading to this exchange:
Imperial Soldier: Impossible! Throw down your weapons. Republic Scum! You have no idea what you've done, breaking in here.Trooper: I'm sorry, the guy at the front desk must have made a mistake.
- Again on Nar Shaddaa, Agent Balkar sends the Trooper to raid a warehouse in order to flush out their targets. Both Jorgan and Elara comment that the mission was perfect for the Lieutenant.
- Also, any time Fem!Trooper flirts with Balkar and Jorgan is the active companion.
- Attacking Tavus's secret war ship leads to some interesting conversations:
Tavus (via holo projection): I have to thank you for working this little meeting into your busy schedule. It took me some trouble to arrange.Trooper: In the name of the Republic I order you to surrender!Tavus: Ya know... you're so threatening over holo that I might even consider it. Let me get back to you later.
Tavus: They were heroes, Lieutenant!Trooper: If you need a moment to cry, I can call back.
- A little later:
- For one mission on Tatooine, you're protecting victims of a bombing attack from more bomb-carrying protocol droids. However, they swarm you 5 at a time, and explode quickly enough that it's nearly impossible to kill them all, all while greeting you and asking how they can help. The blast will also send you flying dozens of feet each, leading to the player being tossed like a ragdoll. What's best is that after waiting to be revived, you can talk to the people who you just exploded next to, who will thank you for protecting them.
- While you are trying to recover parts of an Imperial cipher machine from a pirate, Imperial troops burst in and try to arrest everybody involved.
Imperial Soldier: Halt in the name of the Empire! You are in possession of stolen Imperial property!Trooper: Sorry, we are in the middle of a business transaction, let me get back to you later.
- On Voss during the quest chain, you eventually beat an arrogant Sith Lord, he lie injured and incredulous that a mere grunt matched him. If you execute him, and have Elara in your party:
Elara: He's dead, sir. In case you were wondering.
- The pure Mood Whiplash if you handing over the citybuster bomb to the Voss for study at the end of the Voss quest chain. Senator Evran starts off by angrily yelling at you for handing over a 50 billion credit piece of equipment. The light-sided response is literally, "I'm sorry. It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time." Two sentences later, he calls you "the best representative of the Republic yet." Apparently, he's an amnesiac.
- M1-4X's Stop Poking Me qoute: "Do not worry, sir! My armor is impenetrable to your touch, no matter how repetitive!"
- Tanno Vik's Stop Poking Me qoute is also rather humorous: "What? You better say what you have to, or I'll give you a grenade without the pin!"
- Garza's response when you ask if she wanted a senator offed when she said there was a problem with them.
Garza: As tempting as that would be in this situation...
- During the 'Prelude to Revan' storyline, the Wookkie Jakarro, and the remains of a still functional protocol droid, C2-D4, are rescued. While a lot of the interactions between Jakarro and C2-D4 are amusing, this gem happens in the Trooper version:
Jakarro: [In Wookkie growls] It's our lucky day, droid! Convince these saps to let us out of here!
C2-D4: Uh... Greetings! My master compliments your impressive skil, and would like to share his appreciation for this noble rescue!
Trooper: Most people don't realize just how broad the SpecForce language training really is. Want to try that again?
C2-D4: Oh, dear. Please let us out of here! We beg you!
- The smuggler's very first class quest sets the tone for the adventure to come. A separatist targeting computer needs to be shut down, but resists attempts at finesse. What does our hero do? Channel pure Han Solo and shoot the thing, of course. The scene is entirely silent, but the character's body language says it all.
- Smuggler hilarity is encapsulated in a single attack: Dirty Kick. Extra fun when used against arrogant Sith Lords who made you listen to their Evil Gloating before the fight started!
- Made even better when you get your smuggler through the third story arc, and Dirty Kick becomes available to all your characters on that server. A smuggler doing it is amusing, an uptight Jedi consular doing it is hilarious. A Sith Warrior doing it in between two lightsaber swings is downright sidebreaking.
- After breaking into a separatist base, killing all the guards and hacking into their computer, you are discovered by a lone guard and his droid. Cue the Smuggler's shock and terror at the thought of a dangerous Republic spy inside the base, and insistence that the guard should go and sound the alarm immediately! Hilariously you are even able to convince him that his droid's deadpan insistence that there’s something odd about you is due to him being faulty, and that he should get him down to maintenance immediately.
- Trymbo on Ord Mantell. His delivery and body language is part of what makes it so funny, so a simple transcript does not do this guy justice. You really need to watch. But here's one of the dialogue choices and responses that isn't in the video link:
Smuggler: Just hand that thing over, Captain Crazy.
Trymbo: How DARE you! I'm a colonel.
[He stands at attention upon the conclusion of this declaration.]
- After being red-flagged by customs on Coruscant, the Smuggler has Corso distract the droid while they subtly rewire a nearby console. Cue it happily greeting them again as an "Admiral".
- During the Esseles, when the final boss approaches, if a Jedi gets the first word in and the Sith foams at the mouth at the opportunity, your Smugglers gets the opportunity to deliver this line:
Smuggler: If you just want my friend here, I'll... just be going then.
- During the prologue on Coruscant, the Smuggler ends up crossing paths with a Sullustan cop on several occasions. The Sullustan's insistence on addressing the Smuggler as "upstanding citizen" (in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary) never fails to make our hero twitch.
- When hunting Skavak, getting Kixi to restore his criminal record to how she found it... and then Troll him by inserting a bunch of fake records registering him as a plague carrier, suffering from the highly virulent STD, "Bothan Nether Rot".
- When you are invited to be part of space missions this pearl comes out of the Smuggler's mouth:
Smuggler: I wanna be "Crackerjack!" No, wait, that sounded better in my head. Wait, I want to be "Ace"!
- During a quest on Taris:
Scientist: I'll make sure you're amply compensated!
Smuggler: "Amply compensated" is my middle name.
Scientist: Your parents must have been fascinating people.
- During the Nar Shaddaa storyline, you confront a member of an Animal Wrongs Group looking for a rare beast that they stole/"liberated" from a Hutt. After shooting your way through about a dozen of her goons, you can tell her that "This was all just a terrible misunderstanding." She immediately jumps to the conclusion that you were the one her superior had hired to transport the beast offworld, and hands over a holorecording with information about where they took said beast. Her sudden change in tone is what really sells this scene.
- On Nar Shaddaa, after the Smuggler once again uses a Bavarian Fire Drill to convince an Animal Wrongs Group member to give them information;
Corso: Unbelievable! One of these days you have to teach me how you do that?!
- Shortly after, on Nar Shaddaa, when facing a bounty hunter sent Rogun, one of the dialog choices leaves Corso feeling a bit left out:
Smuggler: This wookiee's all I need to finish you off.Corso: And me. And my blaster. I call her Sparky.Zank Herlott: There's something unwholesome about a man who names his weapons.
- When the bounty hunter boasts he shined his armor just for this occasion, the smuggler can note:
Smuggler: Not to be rude, but, ah, that spot, right there, near your elbow? Kinda dingy.
- When the bounty hunter boasts he shined his armor just for this occasion, the smuggler can note:
- A dingbat freighter captain (and ex-girlfriend of Skavak) discovers that her nifty little ray shield only has a few minutes of operation on battery. Naturally it fails right after this is pointed out to her.
Smuggler: Aahhh... the manual have too many big words for you?
Feylara: Just so you know, this isn't personal. I have to kill you. But...it's for love!Smuggler: Nobody's ever tried to kill me for love before.Feylara: *giggles* It's romantic, right?
- Arguably, the entirety of that part is a Crowning Moment of Funny. It has to be seen to believed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLNtwbwV2ao
- Also, you have the option to just walk away before her stupidity makes you lose brain cells.
- One conversation with Risha brings up comparing someone to a Padawan
Risha: If you run into Diago, watch your back. He makes Skavak look like a Padawan.Smuggler: What the blazes is a Padawan?Risha: Jedi-in-training? Goody-goody students, always on their best behavior?Risha: Never mind...
- Bowdaar gets one on Tatooine if you take him to meet with a shady character.
Bowdaar: He smells like bad luck.
Smuggler: If he tries anything, tear his arms off.
Bowdaar: Then he will smell worse.
- On Tatooine there's a great one after the smuggler helps train a local militia.
Smuggler: If you come across any contraband contact a professional! Here's my holofrequency number.Militiaman: I don't think I'm supposed to do that.
- On Tatooine, successfully playing the Jedi and the Sith against each other will lead to them breaking into Diago's base. When you walk in, Diago is growing increasingly vexed by their presence and only becomes moreso at your arrival. A four-way argument ensues with everyone trying to get a word in. It's finally ended by Diago screaming at his droids to "kill everyone!" in a way that puts every other Large Ham in the game to shame.
Diago's Bodyguard: But I didn't do anything!Diago: EVERYOOOOOOOOOOOONE!
- Right before the fight starts, the Sith will try to mind-trick you into attacking the Jedi, who instantly tries to mind-trick you into not attacking. The best part, though, has to be how the Smuggler just shrugs them both off.
Smuggler: Stop waving your hands around, it just makes you look stupid.
- Right before the fight starts, the Sith will try to mind-trick you into attacking the Jedi, who instantly tries to mind-trick you into not attacking. The best part, though, has to be how the Smuggler just shrugs them both off.
- During the Alderaan storyline quests, the Smuggler delivers an old labor droid to some local nobles. During the conversation, the Smuggler is casually leaning on the droid, that is until the noble lady mentions the explosive booby-trap within it.
- Also during the Alderaan storyline, after Skavak escapes with the hyperdrive you need by trading in a fake head of a Darth who killed the curren't king's ancestor for it, you can return to the librarian who turned you away the first time, and he goes on about why the head is important to house Alde:
- A male smuggler is asked to rescue a wayward daughter (who fancies herself a spy):
Smuggler: Rescuing damsels in distress is my specialty. She is a damsel, right?
- Our hero's scheme for what to do with Nok Drayen's fortune (and Risha's comeback to it) is priceless.
Smuggler: I was thinking I might hire myself an army of Wookies.Risha: What you lack in practicality, you make up for in style.
- There's something very humorous about the female Smuggler flirting and then sleeping with Skavak, while on a ship falling into a black hole, at the end of Act I. Might be Corso's reaction.
Corso: (disbelief) Are you people out of your minds?
Skavak: Go stand in the corner, kid. Your captain and I need a moment.
- And Skavak's response to that.
- And then the female smuggler can tell him afterwards that "after all this build-up, I was expecting you to be...more." Or she can just deck him in the face. It's hilarious either way.
- The smuggler has trouble apologizing to Rogun:
Smuggler: I'm s... I'm sor... I am... incredibly good-looking! Nope. Can't.
- The following exchange happens if you choose Risha to accompany you on Balmorra, and the two of you are working with Akaavi Spar in order to break somebody out of prison.
Akaavi: When we're in, meet me at cell 665. My clan brother is there. Help me free him, and I'll assist you with whatever you need.
Smuggler: [flirting] I never argue with a woman with a plan.
Risha: [incredulous] Since when?!
- After doing Corso's big chapter 2 companion quest, which involves cannibals, you have a fun chat back on the ship.
Corso: What makes a person desperate enough to start seeing his fellow man as... meat?Smuggler: If we ever resort to cannibalism, I've got dibs on Risha.Corso: Captain! That's horrible! You're gonna share, right?
- One flirty conversation with Akaavi has a good moment:
Smuggler: And what do Mandalorian women do with a "worthy foe"? Rahr...Akaavi: Usually, they kill him.
- Corso starts talking about happier times, before all the problems the smuggler and he go through, and this pearl is part of the conversation:
Corso Riggs: Ah, for Ord Mantell. Where separatists were bad and guns were good, and we could just run in shooting.
Smuggler: If you haven't noticed we never really dropped the shooting. Or the running.
- When accused of smuggling (or indeed anything else), the Smuggle cna respond:
Smuggler: I sincerely have absolutely no idea what you're talking about—honest.
- A female Smuggler will get quite a few giggles out of hitting on anything even vaguely male, simply for the hilarity that is a fluffed-up and indignant Corso ("I can swoon! You never said you wanted me to swoon!").
- Guss Tunno's battle quotes:
Guss: Wheee!!! (Healing)
Guss: I heal you with my Jedi powers! (Healing)
Guss: Oh no! I am not going to be bait this time!
- During the romance arc with Risha, Count Merrit Rineld calls in an attempt to ask for her hand. The smuggler makes a less than compelling argument for his case. The fact it works only serves to show how much Risha loves him.
Smuggler: "C'mon, this is a no brainer. Sure he's rich, handsome and popular but I'm...me."Risha: "I'm sorry Merrit. But I can't argue with logic like that."
- Corso has some interesting opinions on the reliability of the Captain and himself:
Rikka: It's really dangerous down there. You won't last five minutes.
Corso: We're pretty good. I bet we last ten!
- When recruiting the Smuggler for the Oricon missions, the Supreme Chancellor notes "You solve more problems than you cause."
- During your class quest on Rishi, you re-encounter Beryl Thorne, who will eventually ask the Smuggler why they keep doing what they're doing. If you choose the "for the thrill of it", answer, she responds with this:
Beryl: So basically you're a crazy person.Smuggler: I've been called worse.
- When Risha gets an invitation to a meeting with Count Rineld, the Smuggler can express concern that it's a trap. She responds that that's not possible, because "nobody puts that much effort into a trap".
Risha: Look at all that embossing. That took sincerity.
General Imperial Storylines
- In a mission on Hutta, you end up in a dispute between two smugglers.
Smuggler 1: Keep it up and I'll make you eat your eyeballs.
Smuggler 2: That's disgusting! You people are crazy!
PC: I thought you said you wouldn't kill him.
Smuggler 1: He'll live, he'll just be blind with a bad case of indigestion.
- In Nem'ro's palace, one of the background conversations is a guy bragging to a girl about how he's a rising star in Nem'ro's organization, with her only giving a rather bored sounding "Uh-huh" response.
- There's also a little Mythology Gag in the palace cantina involving a Wookiee and a gold protocol droid playing a board game. Apparently, the droid did not let the Wookiee win.
- The Black Talon flashpoint. Regardless of what you may or may not think about Yadira Ban, at least one of the lines delivered to her is pure hilarity.
Yadira Ban: "Facing a Sith in combat is my last trial before becoming a Jedi Knight."Sith Inquisitor: "Your master sent you? Funny, my first master tried to have me killed, too."
Crewman (to a party of 1 Sith Warrior, 1 Inquisitor and 2 imperial Agents):"I'm really honored that the Sith Academy of Korriban sent you.Imperial Agent: "A-hem."Crewmember: "And that Imperial Intelligence sent someone too."
- At the start of this event, a crewmember will tell how he's honored that *organization for which you work for* sent you. However, as the event is meant to be played by four people, he'll say only one organization, and if your character's not it you can insist on recognition, which if you win the conversation roll can result in:
- For Imperial players on Tatooine, there is an achievement you can earn for killing 100 Jawas while you have the Party Jawa, a summonable cosmetic item, active. It's called "That's Just Wrong!"
- On Alderaan, a heroic mission has you attacking an Organa installation as a distraction, so that Imperial operatives can kidnap an Organa general. After you fight off the last wave, the quest-giver calls you.
Sergeant Tegan: "We've taken Padrus, so feel free to fall back. We'll meet you at—ow! He bit me!"
- The main Taris questline has a few opportunities for giggles. Specifically, cheerfully antagonising Thana every step of the way. Especially fun if the player character is a Force-blind grunt. During the hunt for Bashun, Thana's Leeroy Jenkins tendencies end up getting her tossed into a cell. You're free to leave her there to "reconsider her attitude". Her fury when she catches up with you again is a thing of beauty worth remembering forever.
- Better yet, when she finally gets free (while you are talking to the quest giver), she calls in ranting, and he fakes comm trouble to cut her off.
- Another option to the same situation has the character saying "The Emperor is calling, Thana. I really should take this."
- For Imperial players on Belsavis during the quest "Last of the Law" you can answer the holocom on behalf of the Republic marshal you just defeated. The option "Imitate Ruger's voice" is pure gold, especially when done by female characters, especially ones who normally have a British accent trying for Ruger's Southern one.
PC: Hello, this is Ellis Ruger and I'm busy dying for a hopeless cause. Please leave a message.
- While on Belsavis you can overhear this little exchange between an Imperial officer and an escaped prisoner:
Imperial: Next! Name, please.Prisoner: Kateo.Imperial: Let's see... Ah, there you are. "Killer" Kateo, butchered an entire squad of Republic soldiers with... a shiv?Prisoner: That's me.Imperial: Someone get this man a blaster! Welcome to the Imperial Army, Kateo. If there's something else we can get you, maybe something dull and rusty? Just ask!
- Doctor Olkav, a quest giver for Imperials on Voss, has to take care of a Deranged Imperial trooper named Lem. During the quest giving conversation, the deranged trooper will mimic the doctor's hand motions in the background.
Sith Warrior Storyline
- Trying (and failing!) to bluff your way through the Sith code the first time you meet Darth Baras.
Sith Warrior: Well, let's see. There's the light side, the dark side and stuff in the middle.
- Early in the story, before leaving Korriban, you're confronted by the daughter of Overseer Tremel who, as far as she knows, you killed.
Eskella: My father was a staunch traditionalist and he was especially hard on me. But he's my blood. Did you think you could kill him and get away with it?Sith Warrior: Uh, refresh my memory. I kill many people's fathers.
- Twice in the storyline Baras is talking about the Emperor and you can respond with lines such as "Tell the Emperor I said hi" and "Yeah, the Emperor, my kind of guy". Baras' reactions (including the closest the game gets to an outright facepalm) to both lines are priceless.
- The first time Vette appears, you walk into the Korriban Academy's prison just as the jailer's trying to intimidate her.
Jailer: One more chirp from you, little bird, and you'll regret it.
Vette: [cheerfully] Chirp, chirp chirp?
[He activates her shock collar, she convulses, and when he turns off the juice...]
Vette: Ow! Jerk. If you don't like that, just say so. I can do other animals too. Dire cat, frog-dog, Kowakian monkey-lizard, you name it.
- In the first conversation with Vette after taking her collar off the Warrior can give a pretty sarcastic over-the-top response to Vette's So What Do We Do Now? question that throws her for a loop:
Vette: Well, I'm not in prison or collared, and it's sort of miserable weather, so I guess we should...uh, what happens now?Sith Warrior: You and me, working together. Taking down the galaxy. What do you think?Vette: What? Er, well, of course...me and my buddy the Sith. Nobody's going to pick on me at school!
- On arriving at Drommund Kaas, you can kill Baras' messenger, for no real reason other than:
Vette: You sure started the Dromund Kaas death toll early.Warrior: It was a long shuttle ride...Vette: You were going through withdrawal. I get it.
- Not a Sith Warrior mission, but a dialogue option Warriors get in Kaas City:
Weng Wrightsyn: I demand justice!
Warrior: Why are you yelling at me?
Weng Wrightsyn: (speaking quickly and in a quiet tone) I apologize for raising my voice, my lord.
- During a 3-way confrontation between you and 2 groups of bandits trying to make off with a man frozen in carbonite, you can end the confrontation peacefully in an unexpected way:
Sith Warrior: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND EAT YOU ALL RAW!One of the bandits: Do you really mean to eat us if you kill us?Sith Warrior: Sure! Don't you eat what you kill?
- Based on her initial affection loss and how she jumps slightly when you first make this announcement, even Vette was fooled.
- Afterwards, you can tell the imperials transporting the man that you you weren't joking.
- Or you can slyly convince both sides into attacking the other, leading to a massive gunfight breaking out, the Imperial Troops taking the opportunity to quietly sneak the cargo to Darth Baras... while the Sith Warrior smugly watches the fight from the sidelines.
- While on Dromund Kaas, Darth Baras attempts to extract information out of a captured agent. His frustration is rather palpable.
Darth Baras: RAAAAAAGH! I cannot break him!
Warrior: Is there some problem here?
Darth Baras: Who would ask such a stupid question?! Clearly, there's a problem here!Or...Warrior: I feel your anger, master.
Darth Baras: A blind, deaf, comatose lobotomy patient could feel my anger!Or...Warrior: Nice lungs you got there.
Darth Baras: Mind your tongue, or I will cut it out!
Vette: Okay, I'm officially scared.
- The conversation with Ensign Durmat on Balmorra. Several of the dialog options during it are pure gold mainly because Durmat is A) stupid and B) scared to death of you.
Durmat: Okay, I ain't proud. My dad is an Imperial agent.Jailer Zixx: What did you say? Your dad is a what?Warrior: Yes, could you please repeat that, Junior, maybe a little louder so everyone can hear you.Jailer Zixx: Who are you? How did you get in here?!Durmat: It's—it's not a who, it's a what... a S... Si... Sith....Warrior (looking closely at Durmat): He's going to need a new pair of pants.
Warrior: You must think I'm an idiot.Durmat: Okay, you're an idiot! I'll think whatever you want!
- And then a little later:
- On Balmorra, if the Warrior is female, Quinn will comment that he's excited by the destruction she's going to cause.
Fem!Warrior: So, I excite you, do I?Quinn: (stammering) W-Well, what I meant was...when I... (speaking very rapidly) when I imagine all that ways you will shape the galaxy, I get very excited, yes.Fem!Warrior: Oh, just admit it. You like me.
- Upon encountering your opposite-alignment reflection on Tatooine, the first thing you can say to it is:
Warrior: I knew I was good-looking, but this is ridiculous.
- During your first (well, actually second) holo conversation with Nomen Karr you can have this little exchange:
Nomen Karr: I shall honor Hirosho and his men's lives by dedicating myself to thwarting you and your master.Warrior: I'm sure they feel better about dying now.
- During the Nar Shaddaa bonus series, you'll have to infiltrate the Republic and Czerka's labs.
Vette: I've always liked science. It would've been my favorite subject in school. If, you know, someone had let me go to school.
- During the final mission of Taris, making some of the "wrong" choices for crew assignments is good for a laugh. If you bring Vette along and have her try to talk down the Republic troops:
Vette: Me? I'm supposed to somehow find out which are the conscripted men? All right, here goes nothing. [she steps forward]
Vette: All conscripts of the Republic get to... uh... be spared. So... show of hands?
[long, awkward pause - nobody responds, and the troops continue pointing their weapons in your general direction]
Vette: Sorry, I tried.
- The voice acting throughout the whole thing really sells it.
- During one of Vette's own missions, you are searching for her sister on Nar Shaddaa. There you meet a Twi'lek dancer and the Sith Warrior can answer this when she questions if Vette is searching for work:
Sith Warrior: I would look fantastic in your outfit! Am I hired?
- If you do the quest during Chapter 3, the line changes to reflect the Warrior's current status.
Sith Warrior: Men come here for the exotic. Have you considered having a Sith Lord on staff?
- Even better, the Twi'lek actually considers it, before Vette steers the conversation back on track (and Vette's general air of having dealt with the Warrior's brand of crazy entirely too long is worthy of mention in and of itself).
- If you do the quest during Chapter 3, the line changes to reflect the Warrior's current status.
- In pursuing Quinn's questline, you eventually speak (well, listen to) the now quite senile Moff Broysc. One wonders how Quinn keeps a straight face through the whole tirade.
Moff Broysc: It was you, Sith, wasn't it? You dared to liberate the Admiral! Have you lost your mind!?Quinn: He calls me Admiral Malcontent. He seems to think that's my actual rank and name.Moff Broysc: Don't you know he's the one who lost the Battle of Talay?Quinn: Broysc's earliest command. Before I was born.Moff Broysc: It was his blunder that allowed the escaped Jedi targets to flee Taris before the bombardment!Quinn: Ancient history. Broysc wasn't even born.Moff Broysc: He sabotaged the Glory Space Station for crying out loud!Quinn: I have no idea what that is.
- When you reach Hoth, the reactions from Quinn and Vette are to immediately express their dread of the cold and their hopes to avoid going down with you.
- When Darth Baras berates you for poking your nose into other people's business one response is this:
Darth Baras: You need to keep your nose out of Darth business!Warrior: I'm about to stick my lightsaber in a Darth.
- Eventually you and Lt. Pierce call one of his former squadmates stationed on Hoth on the holo about attacking the Bastion on Corellia. Pierce naturally asks his buddy how's life treating him:
Pierce's comrade: They have me thawing rations and chipping ice off blaster barrels.Warrior: On Korriban we used certain officers for target practice.Pierce's comrade (now visibly nervous): Actually Hoth can be very beautiful, the way the light hits the ice crystals at certain angles....
Sith Inquisitor Storyline
- Perhaps something of a Establishing Character Moment for some inquisitors, acolyte Kory assures you that Harkun cannot kill all of you. The inquisitor can quickly put her worries to rest and bluntly suggest an ambush.
Inquisitor: I'll attack from the front, you attack from behind, and we'll see how he fares.Kory: Uh... yeah. Looks like you can handle yourself.
- The Sith Inquisitor gets many, many options for snarkery in their prologue alone, especially when it comes to cheerfully pissing off Harkun and Ffon at every turn. Not to mention using Khem Val's mere presence to scare other Force-users into submission. Expect many dialogue options on the theme, "Khem, can you eat him?" You get to pull this on a freakin' Dark Lord practically the first thing you do after leaving Korriban - that he doesn't kill you on the spot is rather sporting of him.
Khem: It is more machine than man. I think. Bad for the digestion.
- Khem's response to the Inquisitor's question is just as priceless:
- Really every line out of the Male Inquisitor's mouth is sheer, unadulterated sardonicism. They're basically Blackadder in space!
- Case in point, during training on Korriban...
- In the prologue one of your missions is acquiring some information out of an Acolyte. While the light side option is befriending him the dark side path involves torture and provides a nice example of Comedic Sociopathy. If you electrocute him he'll agree to anything if you'll stop. One of your choices: Make him sing. Then shock him to make him sing louder.
Inquisitor: You want to live, then sing!Acolyte: Sing? Um, uh, okay. What song?Inquisitor: I don't know, something uplifting.Acolyte: Uh....alright....dum dee dum deh dum dee it's a beautiful day to be aliiive duh dee dum in-uh, I forgot the rest.Inquisitor: You really need to learn to project your voice! (Force Lightning)
- Another alternative is:
Inquisitor: You want to live, then sing!Acolyte: Sing? Um, uh, okay. What song?Inquisitor: I don't know how, about something in the higher ranges! (Force Lightning)
- Another alternative is:
- The first time you meet Lord Zash, she asks how you managed to retrieve an old holocron from inside a tomb's vault after so many others had tried to get the vault to open and failed. All you did was shock the vault with lightning, but you have the option of lying to her about what you did.
Inquisitor: I had to sacrifice seven tuk'ata and eat their hearts.
Lord Zash: Really? How strange. It didn't work when I tried it.
- Her reaction if you tell the truth, that your ingenious solution to a millennia old riddle was to simply throw lightning at it, is pretty good too.
- At one point in the Inquisitor storyline, Inquisitors can respond with a truly bizarre sounding "I love surprises! :D". It's hard to tell if his sheer enthusiasm is sarcastic or heartfelt, given the circumstances.
Zash:I have a surprise for you, my apprentice!
Option 1: Understood.
Option 2: Surprise?
Option 3: Oh boy!
- S/he can have a similar reaction when told s/he's going after a pirate. (Dialogue option: "Oh boy! A pirate!")
I've always wanted to meet a real pirate!
- S/he can have a similar reaction when told s/he's going after a pirate. (Dialogue option: "Oh boy! A pirate!")
- On Balmorra, after being told that the local scientists may have intentionally engineered the Colicoids to be resistant to toxic waste.
Lieutenant Ilun: The toxic waste resistance may have been an unintended result... or the Balmorran scientists were insane!Sith Inquisitor: I personally prefer the term, "Differently rational".
- Second story line quest has you going after you going after a Imperial scientist who defected to the Republic, Iannos Tyrek, after you dispatch his guards and meet him face to face he gets kind of uppity.
Sith Inquisitor: Oh, thank you for reminding me. (Force Lightning)Iannos Tyrek: AAAAAH!Sith Inquisitor: Don't worry, I know just when to stop. (more Force Lightning)
- Later on in the Balmorra questline Tyrek is forced to help you gets rather pissed when he finds out what you needed his help with. A couple of the dialog options here are pure gold.
Tyrek: Let me get this straight, you dragged me away from my research just so you could go skinny dipping in a pool of toxic waste?Sith Inquisitor: A Sith has to find some way to unwind.
- Also on Balmorra, when informed by Iannos Tyrek that the serum has been made for Colicoids and hasn't been tested for humans:
Sith Inquisitor: How do you know I'm not a Colicoid?
Sith Inquisitor: How do I become a Colicoid?
- The above possibly counts as a Call Back, since earlier in the quest line, there was the option to ask this:
- Really, all the conversations with Iannos Tyrek are potentially pretty damn funny. He is also being completely freaked out by the Light-Sided Inquisitor keeping their word about letting him return to the Republic, despite being a defector. If you look closely, you can see his brain implode as it tries to comprehend the idea of a reasonable Sith;
Iannos: What? You're not serious? I mean... you're Sith! You can't be serious?!
- Undertaking the quest to rewire the reactors for Revan's vault on Nar Shaddaa, leads them to let loose this Stealth Pun, which actually works on three different levels. Wicked Cultured indeed.
- Another Nar Shaddaa mission has the Inquisitor overthrowing a cultist and taking his students away. One of the options is to force them to give you credits, the line is just,
Inquisitor: (Hamming it up) I want to wear robes of solid gold!
- Khem Val is probably the last companion you'd expect to have one of these. But, enter the Cantina on Tatooine, and he'll sometimes say 'I have an excellent sabacc face. That was a joke. I hate sabacc.'. A joke coming from him is so unexpected that it's hilarious.
- When the Inquisitor first teams up with Andronikos, Khem Val reacts to being left behind like it's a break up. And the Inquisitor just goes along with it.
Khem Val: My master, what is this? Would you abandon the great Khem Val, servant of Tulak Hord, for some weak human?Inquisitor: (if male) We've had our fun, Khem, but I'm afraid this relationship is over.Inquisitor: (if female) Nothing personal, Khem, but Andronikos is cuter.Khem Val: Be wary: I will not easily be forgotten. The bond between us is strong, but it can be broken.Inquisitor: (regardless of gender) I'm sorry, Khem. We just weren't meant to be.
- At the end of the Sith Inquisitor's mission on Tatooine, they reunite Andronikos with his old flame (who's helped you through the planet). Our intrepid Inquistor can say this line with hilarious, singsong delivery:
Inquisitor: (like bringing a present) I brought Andronikos back!
- Earlier, when Andronikos complained about being unable to get revenge on the thieves who stole the artifact;
Andronikos: Doesn't it bother you that they got away?Inquisitor: They were killed and quite possibly eaten... I hardly call that "getting away!"
- When confronting Whilkes he taunts Andronikos by saying how cute it is that he brought a Sith along to help. One response is hilarious due to how the inquisitor sounds legitimately hurt.
Inquisitor: I am not cute. I am deadly.
- Gyl Rosen, beginning to end. Toward the end of Chapter 1 Kallig sends you to recover his lightsaber, which has fallen into this Nar Shaddaa gangster's hands. After seeing you slaughter your way through his hideout, Master Rosen decides the best course of action is to stand his ground, and attempt to intimidate and blackmail you. Three guesses how that works out for him.
"Just walk away, boys. No one needs to die here."
- Even funnier is how Rosen boasts about his mercs making "the Sith look like school teachers". The Inquisitor shocks him, he screams at the mercs to get you...and the mercs decide they'd rather live than piss you off even more.
- If Dark-sided, the Inquisitor can promise to "make it quick", and actually looks a little disappointed when the guards politely decline before hauling ass.
- If Light-sided, the Inquisitor instead calmly says:
- On Alderaan:
Urtel Moren: We captured and "chatted with" a chamberlain of House Organa.
Inquisitor: (sarcastic) How dare you torture someone without me?!
- On Alderaan, learning that one of your class quests involves Killiks, the dialogue wheel's top prompt is "Bugs?" and the bottom prompt is "Bugs!" Selecting the latter option, you say, "Ah, bugs! My favorite!" which Lady Rist finds a bit unsettling. (Your character can show a lot of fondness for insects on Alderaan, and not just in class quests.)
- When romancing Ashara, one of the conversations involves her talking about how she was raised, eventually turning to her parents. At one branch of the conversation, one of the dialogue options is "I'm very sorry to hear that". The actual line?
Inquisitor: You must have had terrible parents.
- In Act 2, you return to Korriban...
Overseer Harkun: Are you here for an apprentice, or were you just feeling nostalgic?
- At the beginning of Act 3, right after incapacitating Darth Thanaton with an uncontrolled release of Force-ghost-powered lightning, you head to Thanaton's private library and are held up by the library captain. The way the conversation goes makes it clear that the Library Captain's next order will be 'Bring My Brown Pants'
Captain: Halt! Sorry, my lord, but you're not allowed in here.Sith Inquisitor: I just exploded and rendered your master unconscious. You don't want to test my patience..Captain: R-right.. s-sorry my lord, just don't mess anything up in there! Darth Thanaton would have our heads if he knew we let you in.
- A part of the mostly serious Battle in the Center of the Mind on Voss. The Inquisitor confronts nightmare visions of important figures in their story, including a minor love interest, their former master, a hypocritical and self-righteous Jedi, the powerful figure currently trying to kill them...and, inexplicably, a Wampa, which just roars in their face.
- On Corellia, when asked if you're ready to continue with the world quest, one of your options is...
Inquisitor: I've got a pazaak game later, then a lunch with the Emperor... lucky you, I'm free for now.
- On Corellia, deciding to use zoo animals to fight Thanaton's guards at the museum! Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- Eventually, you reach your much-anticipated final showdown with Thanaton on Corellia - only to have him run away once you beat him. Your companions will have an opinion on this. Talos is, as always...special.
Talos: He's running away. That can't be a legal move!
- You and Talos can have a....interesting conversation about dreams:
Inquisitor: Actually, I was having the most wonderful dream. There were these artifacts, and each one produced a different flavor of ice cream.Talos: You get all the good dreams. Mine are always flesh-eating Jawas or Hutts in bikinis.
Bounty Hunter Storyline
- In one of the class quests on Hutta, Mako and the Bounty Hunter fail pretty hard at this whole "being reassuring" nonsense:
Mako: Short version, lady: There's a bounty hunter coming to take you to the Empire - where you'll probably die, or at least be tortured. We want to kill this bounty hunter, so it's your lucky day. Just sit quietly and be bait-like.
Bounty Hunter: We'll try not to splatter any blood on you, ma'am.note
- On Dromund Kaas, the foppish Lord Altaca. Particulary when the truth comes out that the supposed captured Republic slave, was actually part of a bizarre plot to smuggle him to his Sith lover, whilst masquerading as her "brother". Mako and the Bounty Hunter are still laughing about him several missions later, especially when Mako reveals that he's been asked to tour and speak about his harrowing experience as a "slave" of the Imperials.
- Also on Dromund Kaas, while on your way to speak to Admiral Frabaal, you get stopped by his stuffy secretary, Lieutenant Petrak, who demands to know why you're here. If you're female and choose the "You're cute" dialogue option, this exchange follows:
Fem!Hunter: (in a low, sultry voice) Can't I just...be here to talk to you?Petrak: (flabbergasted) Um, well, yes, I suppose you could, but I don't... (suddenly throws his arms up in the air) Oh, I see! You're making fun of me!
- During "Firestar" on Balmorra, whilst the Bounty Hunter and Mako storm the compound to retrieve the access codes for a Kill Sat, Mako lets out this bit of snark at the Resistance's choice of elaborate interior decoration;
Mako: They certainly have a lot of flags, don't they? Maybe if they had some soldiers we'd actually have a problem.
- Recruiting Gault. The last conversation you have with him before he joins your team has you standing over the cloned body of Tyresius Lokai. Gault tells you that you need to make the death look convincing. The dialog options are to make him shoot Lokai's body, fire a couple of shots yourself into the head and heart or:
Dialog Option: Certainly! (Peforate the Corpse.)Hunter actual dialog: We'll tell everyone Tyresius Lokai went out in a blaze of glory! (BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM)Gault (shielding his eyes): Oh my stars....
- It's the circumstances and delivery that makes the scene shine. After all the frustrating cat and mouse crap Gault has put them through on Tatooine, one gets the impression that murdering the hell out of Lokai's corpse (who, being a clone, looks exactly like Gault) is pure catharsis for the Hunter.
- Flirting with a noblewoman on Alderaan:
Lady Aitalla: Oh my, yes. Such an abundance of masculinity has me in palpatations. Your feeble attempts to woo me are refreshingly bad, my thanks for a momentary chuckle.
- On Alderaan, after being annoyed too many times by a particularly irritating noble, the Hunter's employer will ask them to kill him for double the pay. If the Hunter complies, then the completely casual way they do so is darkly funny.
Hunter: (shrugs and shoots the noble without looking) They're your credits.
- On Alderaan, during a milk-run mission you encounter a particularly smug and insufferable noble who has the codes you need, yet refuses to hand them over to someone without rank, the Hunter's patience can run thin very quickly. Even Mako approves of the way you can convince him to hand over the codes.
Hunter: You're a slow learner.
- The Bounty Hunter mocking a Jedi Knight who tries to use Jedi Mind Trick on him.
Jedi Knight: You will drop your weapons and surrender to me.
Bounty Hunter: [glances at their partner, then imitates the Jedi Mind Trick] You will realize what a complete idiot you are.
- Made even funnier by the fact that said Jedi Knight had already done the same trick to Tarro Blood. And it worked!
- During the Nar Shaddaa bonus missions the Empire has managed to arrange matters so they can essentially hijack the HoloNet and broadcast a message across every channel. Your character is hired to protect the man delivering the speech. Of course, he's killed before he ever gets the chance, and so it's up to your character. You can go ahead with the plan and give a stirring patriotic speech, or a message of peace... or you can just go "Ah, screw it." The Bounty Hunter makes the most of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity:
Bounty Hunter: Have you ever wondered how well the HoloNet is protected? Ray shields, battle droids, corporate mercenaries—they're all here. Everyone in the galaxy wants Network Access secure, so the Hutt Cartel spends whatever it takes. But some things can't be protected no matter how much you pay. If you want to be safe, don't hide from your enemies. Go after them. I got inside Network Access. I can get to anyone in the galaxy. All it takes is a contract and a fee. Put the word out. I'll find you. Guaranteed.
- In a similar vein, on Taris, you get ambushed by Torian, who mistakenly thinks you're here to attack him. You can talk him out of it...or, if you're female, you can pick the [Flirt] option, which does this:
Fem!Hunter: I was just so eager to see you again after Dromund Kaas.Torian: You what?(Fem!Hunter judo flips him over her shoulder and onto his back)Fem!Hunter: (points her gun at his face) Men.(Beat)Torian: I deserved that.
- And Gault just adds to the fun:
- After being ambushed by Jicoln Cadera, the Bounty Hunter is knocked out, and Gault proves he is a man who has his priorities straight:
Gault: Holy—hey... hey, if you want me to steal your ship and run, then just lie still and don't move...
Gault: (after hearing he and the Bounty Hunter have to cover themselves in rakghoul guts) Oh no, no way. I'm not getting that...whatever, all over...this is my best shirt!
- Bringing Gault to Taris is practically a requirement, he gets so many good lines. Among the best is this gem:
- Towards the end of act two, when get the ten million credit bounty placed on your head, your crew is rightly concerned. Which is when Mako takes the time to remind you exactly how bad the situation is.
Mako: "They're offering a ten million credit bounty for your capture."
Bounty Hunter: "Mom would be proud.''
Assassinating the Senator of Ithor, sabotage resulting in the destruction of the ecosystem of Vo... it just keeps going. Half of this stuff we didn't even do!
- Made even better by the fact that Blizz is going on in the background about how you can hide out with a Jawa tribe.
- Also, Mako's comment on the accusations:
- Blizz's enthusiasm and child-like curiosity make him a gold mine of funny:
Bounty Hunter: I'll keep Blizz out of your hair.
Blizz: Aw, Blizz like Mako's hair! Blizz no get to touch?
- While calling on Izak, Mako has had enough of being confused for Coral
Mako: Okay, before we get started, my name is Mako. M-A-K-O, got it? Call me Coral and so help me, I will find a way to punch you through the Holonet.
- You meet Darth Tormen before the Corellia quest line as he is fighting off a Republican boarding party on his battlecruiser. During which he wipes the floor with the remaining Republic troops and simultaneously Force chokes three of his officers for failing him. If you bring Gault along during this incident you get this little comment from him:
Gault: Wow, hey if I ever sell you out, it's gonna be to that guy. (Pointing at Tormen)(Dirty look from the Hunter)Gault: I'm just saying.
- The Supreme Chancellor is voiced by Robert Clotworthy, who also voiced Jim Raynor. Now, he calls the Bounty Hunter a threat to all the Republic and consider him the Republic's Most Wanted. The entire third act of the Bounty Hunter is him going under and seeking to get to the Supreme Chancellor, making even funnier is the fact that the only companion that you get in this act is voiced by the same person that voices Tychus Findlay. Anyone who knows anything about StarCraft lore knows how bizarrely funny this is. Since the female Bounty Hunter is voiced by Grey Delisle (i.e. Nova), one suspects it may be intentional.
- After killing the Green Jedi Council and receiving the Medal of Imperial Glory from Darth Decimus, the hunter is allowed to make a speech. And instead of a powerful and inspiring one to the citizens...they can use the chance to make propaganda for his services.
Hunter: Corellia's all wrapped up. The Empire is a happy customer. I could do the same for you. Rogue Sith Lords, crime syndicates, kings, queens—I hunt 'em all. Don't be afraid, it only takes a call.Darbin Sul: Better hire this hunter before the enemy does!Darth Decimus: A sales pitch wasn't quite I had in mind.
- After the culmination of her romance, Mako offhandedly mentions in one of her messages that she may have vandalized the ten highest traffic sites on the Holonet. "Hearts were involved. Kind of a lot of them. Don't judge."
- During the "Korriban Incursion" flashpoint, if the Hunter is the first one to speak to the boss, they drop this gem:
Hunter: You the one in charge here? Before you answer—I was told to kill whoever's in charge here.
Imperial Agent Storyline
- At the beginning of the story, you meet a fellow agent who directs you to the skill trainer. She pretends to be an old friend, and at the end, tells you to "pretend we're all caught up and leave. Casually." One of your choices is "So – you're a spy?":
Agent: Ohhhhhh, I get it. You work for Keeper, too!
Linh: You are an idiot. Get out of here.
- Kaliyo is sarcastic by nature but some of her comments on Nar Shaddaa really take the cake. For example, you have this little gem:
Kaliyo (yelling at random passerby): Hey ugly! I'll give you twenty credits to lick my boots! (Then to you) He says he'll go for it, spare twenty credits?
Kaliyo: Hey, you gonna buy me a droid? Some rich guy trying to impress me bought me a serving droid once. Lasted twelve hours before I tore it apart and sold the parts. Was kind of fun while it lasted.
- And later she says this:
Kaliyo: No weapons allowed. Bit a guy's ear off here once. Security bootlegged the footage, not a big fan of casinos.
- Taking Kaliyo into the Star Cluster Casino generates this little comment:
- Not so much a story moment, but definitely something restricted to the IA: At one point, you must disguise yourself as a droid with some holographic projector implants. The sequence lasts all of a few minutes, and yet the droid character model is perfectly capable of many of the normal player actions, such as dancing, flexing, cowering, and belching.
- During the Nar Shaddaa class quest, you create a poison and an antidote to use for interrogating a defected company employee. However, if you look in your quest items list and look at the poison and antidote, it is actually possible to use both on yourself. Yes, you can poison yourself, and the text indicating that you can doesn't recommend it.
- When introducing yourself and Kaliyo to the Alderaanian nobility you get this little exchange.
Cipher Nine: Allow me to present Kaliyo Djannis, my loyal and trusted associate.Peyar Cortess: Such an exotic young woman... how is it you come to be here?Kaliyo: I slid out of mama's womb and picked up a blaster. Now I'm your new friend's bodyguard. Course, you and me could be friends, too. You've got a nice place here—I could stick around awhile.
Kaliyo: About the only time in my life I am going to be in a palace like this. Makes you just wanna kick out the nobles and run around naked.
- And when seeing the Thul palace she says this.
- At the climax of Act 1, if you've talked Darth Jadus into giving up on his plans:
Watcher Two: You just talked down a Lord of the Dark Council, Cipher. I didn't think that was possible...Cipher Nine: I'd rather not do that again. note
- On Taris, the Agent needs to find Doctor Ianna Cel, a scientist holed up in an abandoned lab, whom they've arranged a meeting with. When they arrive, Ianna bursts out of her hiding spot, trying to shoot them. All of her point blank shots miss as the Agent informs her they're the ones she's supposed to be meeting. And the last stray shot even blows up a droid in the background. All of this while the Agent continues talking, unperturbed.
- The whole scene is actually rather humorous, as Ianna says she survived on things even the Rakhgouls won't eat, and Doctor Lokin reveals he's totally been following you all along without so much as missing a step, then suggests, quite happily, a plan that puts his own life in danger.
- The first time Lokin uses his transformation power. After reverting back to human from rakghoul form the next thing we see is Lokin putting his clothes back on, still acting very cheerful and optimistic...while the Agent is pointing their rifle at Lokin's head, visibly mulling over whither they should just shoot the doctor.
- One of Doctor Lokin's random lines is: "I have a confession to make- my qualifications as a medical doctor have... lapsed."
- On Taris, one of Kaliyo's random comments is this little gem (bear in mind that she is Rattataki, who look like bald humans with chalk-white skin and tattoos):
Kaliyo: Reporting for duty, sir! Rakghoul stole my helmet, sir! Scared me white!
- Dealing with a particularly loopy Sith on Taris, you get to demonstrate a very low opinion of her order:
[Dialogue option: I should've expected crazy] "You really are Sith, aren't you?"
- If romanced, there's a scene where Kaliyo cheats on you, on your own ship. When the guy walks on the screen, the Agent gives him a once-over that manages to be both scornful and hateful at the same time.
Dock Worker: I, uh, I guess I should go...?
- Also, there's this dialogue option:
- On Belsvis you can flirt with Raina, one of the criminals you recruit for your team. Doing so elicits this response:
Kaliyo (to the assembled criminals): If you catch those two making out on this mission, just shoot them both, they're dead weight.
- Really, Kaliyo is the gift that keeps on giving. When talking about weddings you get this little gem:
Kaliyo: Last wedding I was at? Black dress, heels, groom looked fantastic but I looked better... Slipped on that ring and ran."
Agent: What can I say? People just fall at my feet.Kaliyo: They do. Me? I have to push men down there. But hey, it all works out.
- And earlier you get this little exchange:
- Dr. Lokin is pretty good at telling other people how much they suck:
(while captured and watching the agent being tortured) "Ha! Oh, I've—" (gets punched by his captor) "I've done far worse than that to family."