Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

Sounds interesting. Exactly what is the genre of the story? Why can the protagonist see her?

Name: Thaddeus

Age: late teens - early twenties

Personality: A Bitch in Sheep's Clothing, he thinks he cares about other people when he is actually really selfish and only uses them for his own ends. He is also very bigoted towards commoners, despite technically being one himself, and has a sense of entitlement. Somewhat similar to Griffith or Eragon.

Abilities: As a demi-god, he has a physically enhanced body (including Super-Toughness, Super-Strength, and Super-Reflexes). Because his father is Deus ex Machina who controls the power of Fate, he has the ability to see possible futures and choose the best one, giving him Combat Clairvoyance (this power is purposefully the same as a Save Scumming RPG hero).

Weaknesses: Rather stupid and cowardly.

Goal: To become a king and kill the Big Bad.

Role in Story: Decoy Protagonist

Background: He is descended from royalty from his princess mother, his mother's kingdom which was taken over by the resident Evil Overlord (found at this thread, post 44) when he was young. He knew about his lineage from a young age, and thus actually considers himself a crowned prince despite not actually having a kingdom. He wants to become a king either through re-establishing his mother's kindom, or by marrying a princess of another. He also wants to kill said Evil Overlord, and was prophesied to do so. This is despite the fact that said "Evil Overlord" is a Reasonable Authority Figure (despite, or perhaps because, of his ravings about destroying the world), while the original royal family were bigoted tyrants, and Thaddeus seems like he would take after them.

Do you see what I'm going for here?

edited 30th Dec '12 4:33:53 PM by shiro_okami

I thought I gave a critique of your hero when you first posted him in this thread, but I guess I didn't.

He sounds like a rather shallow Smug Snake character, but that's obviously intentional. There are quite a few ways he can go development wise despite his role as a Decoy Protagonist.

You did post right after I did, but instead of giving me a critique you were responding to my questions about your heroine. Not that it was your responsibility anyway, just that the next person who posted a hero forgot to give me one.

edited 30th Dec '12 5:36:41 PM by shiro_okami

...Wow, it's been a while since I've been here.

Anyway, yeah, pretty much what they said. Although I am really interested in your story.

Name: Nathan Maroon

Age: 25

Personality: Overprotective, stubborn, and overly paranoid. He's only like this because he cares about Adam and worries about letting him around strangers. However, he can be soft-it just depends on the person he's with.

Abilities: He has no powers, but carries around a small taser.

Weaknesses: Because he is overprotective, he cannot allow his brother to get severely injured. So, very often, he'll become reckless and get himself hurt.

Goals: To bring back his little brother and to help find his parents.

Motivation: After having an argument with his brother (see backstory below), he was filled with regret, and wanted to make it up to him.

Role in the story: Adam's older brother, and a major supporting character

Backstory: Nathan was put into foster care by his parents, and stayed there until he was six, when Adam's father took him into his home and raised him as his son. And, when Adam was a newborn, he instantly grew a connection with his new little brother. It seemed like his life was headed of the better when, at the age of sixteen, his adopted parents left without warning, leaving him to take care of his brother.

Fast forward to 2015; now twenty-five years old and still taking care of his special ed brother, Nathan holds strong resentment to his adopted parents, not aware of the true reason why the left. Wanting to forget about them entirely, he moved from Augusta to Atlanta to start a new life with his brother. It was then that he and Adam met Nick and his mother. When Adam tried to explain what he learned about his parents, he snaps at him, telling him to drop to subject. Because of this, Adam wasted no time joining Nick to find their parents. Filled with guilt, Nathan decides to help Mary (Nick's mother) to find both of the boys in hopes of finding his brother's forgiveness.

Relevant Tropes: Foster Kid,Big Brother Instinct, Promotion to Parent, Jerk with a Heart of Gold, and It's All My Fault

Pretty much, his CDT personality is heavily toned down.

edited 30th Dec '12 5:57:20 PM by Masterofchaos

Alright, I'm adding some characters to this thread:

the 'verse: A science-fiction 'verse that is a tribute to the early "suck" of Season 1&2 Star Trek TNG, but after Growing the Beard, the genre savvy 'verse inhabitants end "Season One" on a positive note (getting more late season TNG/Good TOS Trek and Babylon 5). Think Trek, Evangelion, Babylon 5, Blade Runner and plenty of anime tropes tossed in. It's the Show Within a Show of another'verse, above with the "writers" trying to comment on "current events" using the "show". Several of the main characters are cyborg/artificial humans who's place in society is used for social commentary. ((the "year" the show is set, in and out of character, is up for grabs).

“In a galaxy, where the United Earth Government has fought a civil war, losing several worlds to the Southern Cross and had a war with the Alien Cay Union, hope rides in a ship called Victory ” *cue theme music*

The first character:

Name: Lieutenant ColonelGloria Whateley ZX-715

Age: 95 years old, the Bio-Androids created by the United Earth Government have a 200 year life-cycle so she's middle aged.

Personality: The Spock, logical and rational. A military tactician, she tends to consider all sides. However, she has elements of the McCoy. Her biological components are modeled after humans and animals. So she understands emotions. Around humans she's a formal, if a bit stiff, military officer. She does open up to her fellow officers.

Around her fellow bio-androids? Imagine that stern teacher from grade school. She was an instructor (called a proctor) at “the Academy”, teaching logistics, tactics and ethics to bio-androids. She uses her combat experience to train and mentor new bio-androids.

Abilities: She's a four-legged, four-armed heavy weapons model. She has a skin that can camouflage her, a metal/ceramic/plastic composite body. Her brain is cybernetic, an organic part and a computer part. She's 2.3 meters tall. Her upper torso is human shaped, with a sculpted expressive face (to better relate to humans), her lower torso is built to support the heavy weapons her model was designed to carry.

Weaknesses: Rational, but not a straw Vulcan, until her emotional side overwhelms her logical side.

Non-Promotion/Passed-Over Promotion : She proved her worth, earned her freedom but some in the EDF view her as “too emotional”, some didn't want to serve under a machine. She earned an officer's commission but slots for those with twice the human lifespan are limited. She is a Lieutenant Colonel when humans are retiring as Generals. She's happy to be a proctor but she wants to lead troops in battle, show the humans and Mai-347 that she can lead without making the Sadistic Choice, And rub that in Mai's face. (see Screw the Rules, I Make Them! ).

Tyrant Takes the Helm: as humans and bio-Androids used to humans see her

Ditch the Bodyguards: loves to do this...

We Have Reserves: how (some) humans view her, a Bad Boss who will toss troops at the enemy to grind them down. What a Senseless Waste of Human Life, her soldiers may die but not for a hopeless cause.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong??/I Did What I Had to Do : never say that around her unless you want a long lecture...

Jerk with a Heart of Gold: She does love all her students, that's why she was angry that Mae-359 was brilliant but lazy.

Tsundere (not that she'll admit it): to Mae and all of Mai-347's children (possibly to Mai as well)

A.I. Is a Crapshoot/Tyrant Takes the Helm : She advanced enough to pass a turing test, but is prone to hit straw vulcan territory under stress. She's very fond of order and that makes her bump heads with those “irrational” humans.

Goals: On paper she's supposed to lead and train soldiers. She's a commissioned military officer. As a bio-Android, she wants to see her fellow 'droids develop and become successful. Taking A Third Option: “There's always a better way”, wants to be seen as a Benevolent Boss.

Motivation: Maximize her goals. Fulfill her oath as a military officer. As a proctor, develop and improve the next generation of bio-androids. (prevent the loss of innocent life and avoid another defeat like the ones she's seen). See Goals

Role in the story: See backstory and tropes, but she is inspired by Star Trek: Deep Space Nine's Captain Sisko and Captain Edward Jellico From TNG.

Backstory: Currently a botanist for RRDC memorial gardens and chief instructor at the “Academy”, Gloria was a Sergeant in the 7th Cavalry during the Battle of The Painted Hills. A heavy weapons model, she's a quadruped with four arms. She's a legend in the bio-droid community, she's 95 years old and at the middle of her life-cycle. Some humans joke that she belongs in a museum. Due to the high casualty count of the UEG civil war and the Earth-Cay war that followed, she currently has four survivors of her line: ZX-717 Lylah Whateley (currently a First Sergeant in the 7th Cav), ZX-719 Noah Whateley (An officer in the 1st Armored Division), ZX-720 Wilbury Whateley (Proctor at the Academy) and ZX-710 Zachary Whateley (CPU of the ESS Essex). She has generated two lines for a total of forty bio-droids. Of those thirty-three are still alive.

She holds the current rank of Lieutenant Colonel in the Ground Forces Reserve.

Of the older models, the ZX lines were those tailored for their missions. Many were constructed in forms that deviated from the human norm., quadrupeds being common. Their brains were given the wider range of “emotional” responses the TA and TX lines had, but unlike the earlier models, their battle CPU had less control over that emotional response. The threshold for “emotion override” was set higher than the TA/TX lines, but they had the TA's Battle CPU.

The result was that while their human comrades were able to relate to them, in combat they quickly fell victim to cognitive feedback loops. With training and upgrades they overcame this, but their fatal flaw was uncovered at the Battle of The Painted Hills. Given conflicting orders, many hesitated, some died trying to resolve their internal conflicts. There were no instances of fratricide, but many instances of bio-droids running into enemy fire even when they were being rescued. As the NCOIC of her firebase, Gloria-715 was in charge as her platoon took heavy losses.

Gloria-715 survived the battle and the ensuing court-martial. She felt humiliated that some of the humans looked at her as a mere machine. She was angry but not upset at them. She was downright furious that Mai-347 withheld information, issued contradictory orders and that she testified against her. Humans looking down at her and being ill-rational she could understand. A fellow bio-droid almost getting her stripped to her wires, she never forgot. The court-martial exonerated her. Mai-347 and Gloria-715 would win freedom for the bio-Androids, but they are not on speaking terms with one another.

She became a Proctor, to share her experience with future bio-droids. With a few upgrades she returned to the Ground Forces. She became an officer, then returned to Proctor at the Academy. She is a ruthless taskmaster, making sure that bio-droids break in training so they will not break in combat.

The truth is that her line of bio-Android was originally designed to be construction and agriculture models. Their emotions were given more leeway so that they could work better with humans and be relate-able. As the United Earth Government faced heavy losses in the civil war, every bio-Android was re-purposed for combat. RRDC, who makes them, tries to interest the UEG in non-combat bio-Androids, but so far all have been deemed “war material”. While the construction and agriculture programs and data were Dummied Out but their brains were not changed.

So she gets offered a promotion to Lieutenant Colonel and command of the battalion of Earth Defense Force ground troops on board the Victory. However the child of Mai-347 is running the sickbay. A reminder of what she lost and the Creator's Pet of RRDC. She see's Mae Craft AE-359 as a Brilliant, but Lazy, spoiled brat and just as irrational as her mother.

Relevant Tropes

Stern Teacher: invoked by her

Drill Sergeant Nasty: how her students see her and why she got picked for command of the Victory's Ground Troops.

And Another Thing...: Her catch phrase at the Academy, she's prone to use it on her soldiers

What You Are in the Dark: the lesson she hammered into her students and troops.

Brilliant, but Lazy is her Berserk Button and what made her angry at Mae

The Last DJ/The Fettered: not willing to compromise her principles or her troops. AI maybe a crapshoot but she loaded the dice in favor of what's right.

“Just Following Orders” is her beserk button, what Mai-347 gave as the reason she testified against her.

Utopia Justifies the Means: Utopia being humanity and the UEG

I Did What I Had to Do: her biggest sticking point with her fellow bio-androids, don't say that if you're not willing to pay for it.

Moral Dilemma /Ordered to Cheat /Sadistic Choice : The Battle of the Painted Hills (among a few others in the UEG-Cay war), a ridiculously human robot is put through that and gets the blame when things go bad....

Badass in Charge/Colonel Badass (she gets a much due promotion): war hero, role model to many bio-Androids.

The Chains of Commanding because she's A mother to her troops

You Are in Command Now/Time to Step Up, Commander: happened too many times for her liking.

Taking a Third Option: “There's always a better way”, wants to be seen as a Benevolent Boss.

No Place for Me There: inverted, if her efforts will build a lasting peace, she'd be happy to have fulfilled her purpose of “defending humanity” and “supporting and defending the UEG charter” and living the rest of her life cycle as a agriculture 'droid.

Zeroth Law Rebellion: Played with. She views humans with awe, but is more than willing to give orders to humans under her command. She won't violate the UEG charter to enforce it, but she is a fan of order and strict discipline. She will interpret orders From a Certain Point of view if the orders put her troops in danger. She can get creative with “corrective training” and “restrictions” when faced with violations of regs.

Mama bear/Love Makes You Crazy/Unstoppable Rage: :: Do not hurt any of her soldiers, civilians or non-combatants near her. Nothing will stop her from terminating you. Nothing.

Jade-Colored Glasses because Growing Up Sucks: LTC Gloria Whateley ZX-715 can ponder her machine nature. She can sense the construction, farming, Terra-forming and animal husbandry programs her makers wanted to give her. Instead she was sent to the front lines. She taught herself gardening, hydroponics and metal working to cope.

Former Child Star: how she sees Mae Craft-359...

Moving the goal posts, Metaphorically True : she accepts this from humans so she will get all “zeroth law” when faced with orders that don't make sense. From a bio-android, this is her berserk button. Mae's mother issued orders that twisted logic and forced several hard choices to Gloria back in the day. Irrationality from a fellow machine hurt her. When Mae showed signs of similar behavior and being the slacker at the academy, Gloria showed no mercy and gave Mae a letter of reprimand. Mae thinks it's personal, Gloria doesn't want Mae to end up like her mother.

Break the Cutie: She was supposed to be a construction 'droid, with an emotional response geared toward socializing with human workers. Before The Battle of the Painted Hills, she was the platoon mascot. After the battle she was one of the few survivors.

We Help the Helpless/Screw Politeness, I'm A Senior!/Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right because I'm a Ridiculously Human Robot

Honesty Is the Best Policy: how to get to her good side

Despair Event Horizon: When the command staff called her a “mere malfunctioning machine” then Mai-347 testified against her...

A Shell-Shocked Veteran who is a Badass Bureaucrat

Knight in Shining Armor: how the UEG and her students see her

Knight in Sour Armor: How she sees herself

Samaritan Syndrome ,and Being Good Sucks

Magnificent Bastard: the Cay and the Southern Cross consider her this.

The Strategist bordering on Guile Hero, but only when provoked.

While You Were in Diapers/All According to Plan: invoked often by her.

Workaholic: inverted, she sculpts and paints in her spare time, “constructing” works of art to relive the stress of command.

edited 24th Oct '13 6:00:18 PM by TairaMai

Don't forget to critique the character above yours.

@Shiro: I'm not quite sure what the genre is at the moment (assuming Ghost Fiction doesn't count as a genre). At the moment, it's a bit of a blend between a mystery and a slice of life, with a little bit of horror thrown in. As for the latter question, the protagonist (who I'll probably drop here at a later date) is a medium. I haven't quite worked out how exactly one goes about becoming a medium; for now, I'm running with the "only gifted people become mediums" explanation (or possibly not bothering to explain it at all, since it's not an important plot point).

Your character looks kinda unbalanced to me in terms of strengths and weaknesses. The weaknesses he does have...kinda clash with his abilities a bit; to me, it doesn't make much sense for him to be a coward when one of his abilities is pretty much a failsafe against death. Unless it's just irrational fear?

@Masterofchaos: Again, I'm not seeing too much to comment about here (other than that the personality you've given him doesn't exactly mesh with the personality he mostly displayed in the CDTs, as you pointed out yourself). I do find it odd that he reacted to his Parental Abandonment with disdain towards them as opposed to insane worry (assuming they just went and vanished one day), since to me that sort of behavior would come out of someone who is insane, and Nathan looks to be someone without much in the way of mental issues.

@Taira Mai: Read it over a bunch of times, and I really can't see much worth commenting on about the character herself, other than that she's pretty fleshed out for a Show Within a Show character. The way your sheet was laid out was kinda confusing, though (particularly when tropes started popping up in areas other than the "Relevant Tropes" section.

@Masterofchaos:

Name: Nathan Maroon —> just a name or is there a theme? asking because it could go either way.

The tough part about being a parent is seeing your child in danger or seeing danger around every corner. There are other things, kubatons, shivs, that he could carry because the laws on tasers vary and he'd want a backup. No really, I had a blind ex who carried a box cutter in her bra because she was attacked in a cab.

The downside of Promotion to Parent is missing out on childhood. Does Nathan find it hard to relate to people who don't care for a child? Does he relax by watching cartoons because he missed out on things like that raising Adam? It's the little things that pepper his backstory.

It's all my fault sucks all 'roud. People have no sympathy because they can't relate or think he's dwelling on the past. Others look at him and say "Hell yes it's your fault!" even if it isn't (or they are dead wrong). Others are like my grumpy old uncle "Quit your whining and get back to work!"

Just some ideas from someone with exes how've been there.

Yeah...I toned down his backstory because I wasn't sure if people would be so comfortable talking with someone like him. You do bring up a good point when it comes to his parents disappearance...

Thank you for your critique; I'll keep all them in mind.

edited 30th Dec '12 10:03:38 PM by Masterofchaos

@ Yomegami: I suppose you have a point, although being cowardly doesn't necessarily have anything to do with a fear of death. Also, the character is unbalanced on purpose.

@Taira Mai:

She seems more like a Villain than a hero. Is the setting in space, or is it on Earth? That'll help me image everything. I like her personality and the way people view her, that would make the story even more interesting than if you didn't. Eaither way, it all deepens on how good your story is, if it works or not. By the way is she The Protagonist of the whole story?

Name: Yugo Hitatsu

Age: 16

Personality: He’s pretty smart and can find a solution to most situations, but he’s a huge fish out of temporal water. He tries to explain things in this time in a way that he can understand, but seeing how he’s from over a thousand years in the past, he just leaves people confused. He’s a big eater because of his higher metabolism, and can't go a chapter without eating, or talking about eating. He’s willing to kill if he has to, that includes the Big Bad, but he’ll not kill if you doesn’t need to. He’ll also save those in need if he’s able, but not go looking for it.

Abilities: Time travel, able to see in the spectrum of light that consists of heat rays, manipulation of fire, manipulation of water, healing factor, immunity to heat and cold temperatures and a move that is only know as the Yin Yang Spear, which is where a giant yin yang appears on the ground and the users energy forms a spear like object, which attacks the target.

Weaknesses: The Yin Yang Spear has the potential to kill the user, his healing factor is limited and needs him to replace what he used to heal, his ability to see heat can be over whelmed if there is too much heat and if cold he is effectively blind and for his immunity to cold and heat, if either one is far enough in its temperature then he could be effected by it, but it would take a lot in either direction to harm him.

Goals: To find and defeat his brother Yurei who killed their father and stole a sacred statue that has the power to summon demons.

Motivation: Yurei killed their father and stole a sacred statue that has the power to summon demons.

Role in the Story: He’s the protagonist.

Backstory: Yugo is from the year nine hundred and twenty four and he’s part of a clan that calls themselves the guardians of time. His father gave him an amulet that had the picture of a yin yang on it, literally the day before he was killed, by Yurei before he exscaped into another time and then a year later Yurei came back to steal the sacred statue. This time he tried fighting him, but was beaten like he was nothing. The next day he followed him into the present day. This is where the story starts.

Relevant Tropes: Paying With Fire, Big Eater, Fish Out of Temporal Water , Time Travel, Making a Splash, Time Police, Time Master, Ninja, Healing Factor, The Protagonist, a type III Anti-Hero and Highly-Visible Ninja, they don’t really wear any ninja clothes at all, but they don’t try to stick to the shadows either. image ineresting

edited 1st Jan '13 9:16:27 AM by David

It would be really nice if you explained more about the amulet, and told why Yugo's brother suddenly decided to kill their father. Actually, his whole backstory could be explained more.

The amulet is a set of twelve that is useless when separated, but when together it'll grant the holder ultimate powers. Yurei killed their father to find out where the amulet was, but he found out that the amulet had an enchantment put on it, that makes it to where if someone stole it, it would kill them.

He's also a ninja from a clan that calls themselves the guardains of time, which is pretty much just a clan of time police that uses their powers to travel through time, instead of a machine. They also live over a thousand years in the past, while the main story takes place in the present.

After he was defeated by his brother he spented the rest of the day recovering from his injures, which to a normal person it would've token weeks or months to heal. Then he went through the wormhole that was created by Yurei traveling through time. A wormhole only lasts two days most and only a person who has the ability to travel through time can go through it.

His clan is also decendents of a dragon, (long story) that is the reason for the word tatsu in their last name, which is Japanese for dragon.

I thought the Japanese word from dragon was ryu...then again they've got like 50 thousand words for "I" so more than one for dragon isn't a stretch.

Don't mean to nitpick, but you gotta work on spelling and grammar.

If I'm being brutally honest, no offense but the backstory sounds kind of contrived.

How would killing his father enable Yurei to determine the amulet's location? How did he become aware of the amulet's killing properties? How did he learn about them in the first place? Why is Yugo the only one tracking him? Shouldn't their clan of super time travel ninjas be doing something about him? Are his powers inherent to him and/or his clan or are they learned?

Fridge Logic-type questions abound.

edited 1st Aug '17 5:02:37 PM by Eagal

My schedule got the better of me, but I'm gonna post more tomorrow. She's one of the Protagonists, but she's there to shake things up and be a bit of a Villain at first. The setting is in space but they do go back to Earth. Thanks David.

edited 2nd Jan '13 5:33:44 AM by TairaMai

You're welcome.

He tortued his father first. There healing abilities made it that much worse for him. and yes the powers are inherent to his clan. And they did send more time traveling ninja after him, in that one year time spand that he spent going through time manipulating events to his faver, (He didn't go to his own past, because that could change the past and if you change your own past you can't use your powers to see through time to predict the changes.) He was able to kill them as if it was nothing and I'm not putting down the reason why he doesn't kill Yugo, it'll spoil some of the story, (I kind of want this to get published and I don't want to many of the events in the story to be spoiled.) The reason why they didn't send any more with Yugo is because before he took the statue he attacked his clan, making them unable to do to much. the only reason they even sent Yugo was because he asked to be sent after his brother.

My spelling and grammar isn't that good because I'm on tv tropes, I'll make things as good as i can, but unlike my stories I wont go looking for any mistakes and no, I don't normaly use the word becuase in my stories that much.

edited 2nd Jan '13 9:18:42 AM by David

Man, I don't even know where to start with this.

edited 2nd Jan '13 12:23:25 PM by nrjxll

I had the exact same reaction as you did.

Are you going to critique my character, or just in sult my writing.

Nobody was insulting your writing; I just didn't understand what you meant.

I meant that I wont spend that much time to see if i messed up anything here, while that's one of the first things I do when writing my stories.

edited 2nd Jan '13 2:35:35 PM by David

...What?

I'm more baffled by the assertion that being on TV Tropes is supposed to be an excuse for poor spelling.

It's not an excuse, it's just that it's not as important to make sure I have everything spelled correct, and the key pads of my computer sucks so sometimes I have to respell things several times. I don't want to also spend extra time to see if somethings spell wrong. If I see that it's spelled wrong I'll correct it, but I don't look for any mistakes.

And can we get back on track here?

edited 2nd Jan '13 2:57:41 PM by David

It's one thing if you're a non-native English speaker, but if you're making the deliberate choice to not check your spelling/grammar, then you have no place for complaining when people criticize it. And frankly, when I still can't entirely parse your post, I think I have a right to criticism.