Smile for it!
Oh Eggwife, you were the bread to my butter, the wife to my egg, the shit to my pizza with a bit of shit on it. I may never find another wife like you - but I haven't checked the supermarket yet!
The lovechild of Duke Nukem and Goat Simulator you didn't know existed. Or ask for.
Alternatively, if insanity is a First-Person Shooter.
77p: Eggwife is a "dumb and crass" (per the developer's words
) surreal First-Person Shooter developed by 77p Studios.
You're 77p egg, a (hand-drawn, stick-figure) creature who used to have a lovely wife... but she died in a sexual misadventure and now 77p egg needs a new one. Lucky for you, the local Pissco is having an Eggwife sale, but it's not going to be as easy as going down the street: there is animated, sentient sewage invading the shopping centre, a milk-obsessed cult, and possessed cows roaming around. Luckily, you have an assortment of "UK-legal weaponry" to face them with, including the Pisstol and the Shitgun.
Below the facade of the low-effort modeling and texturing, the game is surprisingly well made, and all the effort seems to have gone into making it fun to play. It doesn't assault the senses like Cruelty Squad but the games definitely share some DNA.
Today's the day I find a new wife!
- Absurd Brand Name: Obscene, disgusting versions of real products. Skin Flakes, Baked Beads, Tarmac n Cheese, and of course, Cumin Cider.
- Absurdly Spacious Sewer: There's one underneath PISSCO large enough for you to drive a speedboat in for several minutes, and the water is a shiny shade of dark brown. No prizes for guessing what you're traveling on.
- Accidental Murder: Plugging in the jackhammer the neighbors have in their apartment will break the floor, and kills the wife of an old couple living underneath.
- Aerosol Flamethrower: Parodied, you can collect spray-on deodorant and combine it with a lighter with highly-flammable effects.
- Air-Vent Passageway: Starting from PISSCO, air vents are a constant presence throughout the rest of the game.
- Arc Number: 77, natch.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: From the promotional website:77p egg: Eggwife contains blood and gore, intense violence, cannibalism, nudity, very strong language, drug use, cartoon depictions of consensual sex, cartoon depictions of death caused by sexual mishap, excessive excrement including vomit and semen, animal cruelty, presence of sex toys.
- Bad "Bad Acting": Delivery of dialogue from NPC characters are purposely exaggerated to be as flat as possible.[emotionlessly deadpan] Ohhh no, my wife is dead.
- Brand X: The key-card readers are manufactured by "generic video game obstacles inc."
- Bloody Hilarious: The whole game runs on these owing to it's surreal nature and laughably over-the-top usage of graphic violence.
- Camera Abuse: Your POV will be constantly splattered by water, blood, and even... brown stuff. The last one tends to happen in the massive sewage maintenance room and when the sentient feces are shooting parts of themselves at you.
- Bait-and-Switch: There is a milk vending machine with the following display:VEGAN MILK!
Milked Entirely From Vegan Cows!not suitable for vegans- It just so happens that you need the "ACTUALLY VEGAN MILK" machine next to it if you're going for the veganism achievement.
- Destroy the Security Camera: Security cameras in the game can be destroyed, and then picked up so they can serve as craftable gun turrets.
- Extreme Omnivore: Of the Unpicky Eater variety. Cooking something in an oven makes it edible, and that goes for "anything". You can eat glass bottles, ammo pickups, your own shit, dead people, the radio that wakes you up in the morning, and the talking teddy bears that serve as tutorials for certain actions.
- Falling Damage: Averted but lampshaded in the first stage when you jump off a balcony.You: I sure hope there's no fall damage... [there isn't]
- Fictional Counterpart:
- You receive your new Pisstol courtesy of Abanana. Complete with the orange smile logo lovingly recreated on it. Later, in the People's Inaccessible Shopping Shopping Centre Okay (PISSCO, just a few letters shy of TESCO) you will find Chocolateboners (Toblerones), Cloaca Cola, Slovenios, and Food Coloring Loops. And lots of eggs, of course.
- Fun with Flushing: You can also flush anything down the toilet, except yourself.
- Guns Akimbo: You can collect and use two or three firearms at the same time. It's best not to think how the latter option is possible, unless you'd like to imagine the most plausible alternative. note
- Heavily Armored Mook: Some pissblobs wear helmets, and some pootanks have armored components, both of which block all incoming damage. Better work on your aim!
- Human Cannonball: You use one to try reaching and shooting the sun at one point.
- Informed Location: The game is set in a crudely rendered version of Sheffield, England, and an astute observer could spot some similarities with real-life locations.
- All Just a Dream: Waking up in a dream level filled with mementos of your dead wife, you have to kill waves of enemies when none of your weapons work as you expect them to.
- Ludicrous Gibs: Any human, hostile or not, can be shot, kicked, bludgeoned, blown up, electrocuted or run over with a car until they violently explode into separate body parts with the blood to match.
- Magic Mushroom: A one-off "powerup" you can find cranks up the bloom and saturation of the visuals, but the mushroom itself doesn't have any effect on the gameplay.Ohhh, baby, flesh of the gods...
- Nail 'Em: One of the first weapons you collect is the Stigmatic 77,000 ("for when you need a hand with nails"), a nailgun that skewers enemies on full-auto.
- Pacifist Run: In addition to completing the game without killing anything, you can also do a veganism run, in which you have to avoid killing any living thing (unlike in the pacifist run, demonic enemies are exempt) and not eat or drink anything that's made from animals, even partially. Whether something is made from animals can be very ambiguous: Cloaca Cola is, apparently, made with real cloacas.
- "Pop!" Goes the Human: CEO Sote, a massive, overweight blob of a person who spends the whole boss fight projectilevomiting, explodes messily when killed. The blast radius covers the entire office he's fought in, and leaves behind a bloody ribcage in the aftermath.
- Rockers Smash Guitars: Your character's supposedly a rock singer (if the number of Grammy Awards hanging on the wall behind your computer is any indication), and the first melee weapon you can use is your electric guitar, as an improvised club for smashing objects.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: All over the signs throughout the game. For laughs, of course.
- Pissco's self-service counters, for instance, is deliberately misspelled as "SELF CERVIX"
- Also in PISSCO you can find the "Staff Womb", a red, fleshy, wet tunnel with enemy blobs of cum in it.
- Also, anyone fancy some fresh breakfast "Porn Flakes"?
- Clearing a level and the scoreboard will read, "PRESS ANY KEY TO CUNTINUE"
- The game will mix up "a", "an" or "the" on purpose. You've "Eaten An Burger", "An Pizza", "A Egg", and all that.
- EMERGENCY SOTP
- Shopping Cart Antics: Shopping carts work according to the vehicle system, so you can get in one and squeeka-squeeka-squeek your way through the shopping centre.
- Shout-Out:
- The local arcade is called Puke Spukem, for starters.
- It might be hard to hear over the background music, but when something turns the cameras hostile, they can say, "I've come here to kick ass and Chew Bubblegum, and I don't have a mouth!"
- The game's last area contains a Polybius console.
- The first boss is called CEO Sote and suffers the same fate as a certain Mr. Creosote.
- The local pizzeria has a security office with a CCTV monitor and a fan, and only two exits.
- You find a ruined building with the sign 'Six Chicks Burgers and Chips' referencing the restaurant Five Guys Burgers and Fries.
- Stylistic Suck: All over the damn place. They took meticulous care to make everything look like it was thrown together in five minutes.
- Doors don't have hinges and will often fall through the floor (by design).
- The keycard reader's number pads are hastily sketched pencil drawings, as are most drawings on control panels.
- Human models are full of gaps in their mesh, something which they will actually comment on.
- The Sheffie map has many places where you can inadvertently fall through the world (and to your death).
- Suck E. Cheese's: There's one in PISSCO, called Pooge's Pizzeria. Complete with a guy in a Goofy Suit dancing onstage.
- This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: This recurring phrase you drop semi-regularly throughout the game.Cleanup on isle 77, bitch!
- Title Drop: Banners advertising "Hey! Looking for an Eggwife?" appears all over the place at Pissco.
- Toilet Humor: Practically worshiped by the game, and a good dose of Dung Fu thrown in.
- Right off the bat, your default ranged attack is... a stream of pee. You pee with such force to push doors out of their doorframes (the intended way to open them).
- Two of the stats the game keeps track of after each level are "Tonnes of shit shat" and "Gallons of piss pissed" (!!!).
- Your first weapon is a 'water' pistol called the Pisstol. Guess what it shoots. And yes, you reload by relieving yourself into the cartridge.
- There's a shotgun-like weapon called a 7-Barrel Shitgun - no, not shotguns. It fires brown projectiles that decorates an area with brown patches.
- Like every FPS, this one has a Rocket Launcher-type weapon... called the Fertilauncher. That fires missiles loaded with manure.
- The first boss, CEO Sote, is fought in his office with the words "DON'T PISS IN MY MOUTH" written (in CAPS) in the same room. Guess how you deal with him. note
- And then there's a piss vat in the sewage area, half-full and you need it to be completely full in order to cross. So you drop your pants...
- One in-game puzzle has a control panel powered by a piss-tube, which is broken and leaking. You'll need to re-activate said panel to unlock the exit, what do you do? If your answer is to "pee as hard as you can into the tube's other side to reactivate the controls", congrats.
- Even the LOADING screen interim between levels have brown smudges on the word!
- Unusual Euphemism: If you collect cucumbers, you can use them for... "throat-caressing" (!!!)
- Video Game Cruelty Potential: To a ridiculous degree - you can dismember humans one limb at a time without necessarily killing them, set them on fire, shoot piss in their face and make them vomit, and kick them out of windows. Cows can be subjected to similar cruelties. There's also an achievement for killing everything - innocents included - in the entire game.
- Vomit Indiscretion Shot:
- Shooting someone - anyone, really - with any appropriate weapon (Pisstol, Shitgun, etc) will make them throw up, which is an excellent way to make a human enemy stop attacking and stand still.
- Weaponized in the first boss fight, where the Pissco CEO, a giant blob of a man, vomits chunky white and brown stuff at you as his sole attack.
- Water Guns and Balloons: Weaponized version, but you can collect a two-barreled "Bleach" shooter from Pissco's warehouse. It shoots pink Bleach droplets at enemies.
- Womb Level:
- The corridor leading to the PISSCO CEO office is inexplicably coated with Meat Moss, where you kick open a door (marked "Staff Womb") leading into a fleshy tunnel. No prizes for guessing what the white blob enemies inside are.
- At some point you are teleported to the inside of a cow and you have to traverse its gunk-filled intestines to get out.
