All right, you all know how to play the game! Contestants will take a piece of media... and, through many deliberate misunderstandings, a few Alternate Character Interpretations, taking some things out of context, assuming that everything presented was meant to be taken as instructional and serious, and reading in more than a little Fanon, make it seem like the creators were attempting to deliver a terrible, terrible message to the kids at home... no matter how utterly off-base it is!
But, before we begin, let's just go over the three rules of the game, shall we? Rule #1! Make sure to read the above paragraph before adding an example. Rule #2! This is not Headscratchers with a sarcastic tone. And, last but not least, rule #3! This page is Just for Fun, serious attempts at finding a Hard Truth Aesop, and Real Life examples will be purged. Oh, and remember, folks, Whining costs twenty million points, so there's that.
Sub-pages
Disney in General
- Disney:
- Most Disney movies: A woman is only as good as the man she serves—now get in the kitchen and make a sammich, woman!
- Don't have kids. You, your partner, or both of you will almost certainly die. The lifespan of a parent is the same as the security guard on his last shift who just so happened to be played by Sean Bean.
- Traditional animation is so old-fashioned these days that it is unwatchable, and movies animated that way must be remade into live-action/CG hybrid movies in order to stay relevant.
Films
- Aladdin:There's nothing wrong with falling in love with someone who is revealed to have been lying to you the whole time.
- The Aristocats:France is full of English people. Didn't you know?
- Beauty and the Beast:
- Hey kids! You'd better stick with that angry guy who always seems three seconds away from punching you. Lord knows he's going to change by the end!
- Hey, folks! Fall in love with a halfway decent person, accept them for all their oddness... and watch them change drastically! You can always make people change.
- If your employer is a jerk, you deserve to be punished for his personal failings.
- Similarly, if someone does something that you don't like, feel free to punish their servants for it. It's not like they're real people or anything.
- Old women are all witches who will smite you for the slightest transgression in politeness. Burn the Witch!
- Hey kids! If a mysterious stranger comes to your door trying to give you something nice (like a flower or candy!), let them in! They are probably magical and will curse you if you don't.
- "An adventure in the great wide somewhere" means being stuck in the same place as the wife of a handsome prince who has a castle and an army of servants instead of being stuck in the same place as the wife of a provincial village hunter.
- Big Hero 6:
- By having no love interests, they mean that geeks of science are asexual virgins.
- Emulating the reckless heroism that got your brother killed is the right thing to do.
- Remember kids, you always have to respect the red lights and put your blinker on while driving, even if you are pursued by a vengeful supervillain trying to kill you.
- Brother Bear:
- Bears are invulnerable to fall damage, but not being stabbed.
- Mammoths are nature's taxi drivers.
- Wild bears can be trained like dogs. It's just a language barrier thing.
- Duping someone into nearly murdering a relative is good therapy for becoming mature with no side effects.
- To be Easily Forgiven for a murder, one method is to raise the surviving offspring as your own. They'll be happy you learned your lesson after you apologize, guaranteed!
- Cinderella:
- Stepmothers are mean to their stepchildren for no reason.
- Glass is an excellent material for footwear.
- It's perfectly reasonable to choose your spouse based solely on what kind of foot size they have.
- Anna was wrong. Foot size DOES matter.
- Dumbo:
- Florida has mountains, remember that for extra credit on a geography essay!
- Alcohol will solve all your problems.
- Encanto:
- Mental Abusers should be forgiven if they have a traumatic backstory.
- Hugs fix everything, including mental disorders, low self-esteem, perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy, and so on.
- An Extremely Goofy Movie: Old people should never go back to college. They'll just end up embarrassing themselves.
- Fraternity bros are assholes.
- If you're old, studying is more important than sports. If you're young, sports are more important than life itself.
- Sick of your clingy single dad bothering you all the time? Get him a date!
- The Fox and the Hound: The worst that could happen if you get hit by a train is a broken leg.
- Releasing domesticated animals into the wild is for the best sometimes. They’ll be fine.
- Frankenweenie: If you ever lose a loved one, no need to worry. All you need is some standard household items, a little lightning, and love to bring them back to life.
- The Jungle Book (1967):Evolution is the screwball belief of a bunch of clumsy, idiot apes and their impressionable leader.
- The Lion King (1994):
- De-segregation will cause starvation, misery, and an ecological catastrophe.
- If you want to use your intelligence to improve your condition since you're not physically strong, you're evil.
- Don't take any opportunity to throw your friends under the bus, kids. They just might maul you to death and devour your corpse.
- Your father is more expendable than your mother.
- The Lion King II: Simba's Pride:
- If your parents don't like your new girlfriend, it is only because they are evil and plotting to take over the world. Don't listen to a word they say.
- Don't trust anyone. If they prove their worth in any way, give them the keys to the castle gates and blame them and anyone but yourself if they let the wrong people inside.
- Even when you're an adult, your parents will never trust you to be able to look after yourself and ruthlessly stalk you.
- Chasing scavengers out of your ecosystem will have zero ill effects, and that goes double for the forest fire you caused, too.
- The Little Mermaid (1989): Guys want girls who look pretty and don't talk, and girls only want guys who look handsome and have money.
- Mars Needs Moms: Men only want to play and are incapable of contributing to society, so they should all be thrown away.
- Meet the Robinsons:You're being a selfish brat if you want to find out what happened to your birth family.
- Mulan:Men are nothing but disgusting, unhygienic pigs who hate maintaining themselves.
- 101 Dalmatians: Choosing your partner based only on their appearance always works.
- Pinocchio:
- Doing things that are traditionally considered bad, like smoking, underage drinking, and wreaking havoc will make you deserving of being transformed into a donkey and serve your masters until you die. It doesn't matter if you were too young to have known better, you deserve Karmic Overkill, you shitty little brat!
- Your parents won't notice if you've been missing for a long period.
- People aiming for a career in acting are evil.
- Pocahontas: No matter how close two people have become, one saving the other's life, and bringing understanding between each other’s people, interracial relationships just won't work out.
- The Princess and the Frog:
- You should only ever try to improve your fortunes through the class system. Trying to change it makes you unrepentantly EVIL.
- Racism in the South during the Jim Crow period consisted entirely of a couple of Jerkass real estate agents snidely alluding to a black woman's "background". If any black people were poor during the period, it was strictly their own fault.
- Cajun people are ugly fireflies with distorted teeth.
- It doesn't matter how hard you've worked to achieve your dreams, it will be magic that will eventually make them come true.
- Love is more important than any other dream you could possibly have. Especially if that love is a whole day old. And no, there are no exceptions.
- Raya and the Last Dragon:
- Always trust others, no matter who they are or what they do. There is never any good reason not to trust someone. Even if they betrayed you, even if they keep attacking you, just trust them anyway. They're good people deep down, so as long as you keep blindly trusting them, they'll eventually stop doing bad things.
- Humans Are Bastards that don't deserve salvation and will only get salvation from the implicit goodness of higher beings.
- Don't trust children. At best they'll try to rip you off with false promises. At worst, they will literally try to stab you in the back the moment you turn around.
- Asians cannot be trusted.
- Good Is Dumb, therefore it is good to be Super Gullible.
- Don't trust someone who betrayed you... trusting a thieving baby who tried to steal your MacGuffin, however, is fair game.
- Trusting your loving family is parallel to trusting complete strangers... or better yet, people who are known to have betrayed you in the past.
- If your friend gets killed by accident because you intervened when someone was trying to kill said friend, you're to blame for not trusting the person threatening your friend's life.
- The Rescuers: If you find evidence that a missing child has been kidnapped, don't turn it over to the police. Solve the crime yourself. (This applies to the sequel as well.)
- The Rescuers Down Under
- Bullying and threatening someone several times your size is the best way to get transportation, and it's a display of positive character growth at that.
- After escaping a situation where you've been kidnapped and imprisoned with others, don't give the others who were imprisoned a second thought. Surely someone else will get right on letting them out after the captor has been killed (provided they don't die of thirst or starvation first, in which case, oh well).
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:
- In order to become the fairest, you must first make yourself as hideous as possible.
- Don't trust older women.
- Waking up to sexual assault is in no way creepy.
- Queens are all pure evil, it's better to be a princess and have no responsibility.
- The only thing women care about is being beautiful.
- Treasure Planet:
- If you have to choose between mountains of treasure and saving a life, at least grab as much treasure as you can stuff into your pockets before saving a life (not only will it be just enough to live on for the rest of your life, but it will bribe your former friend into forgiveness after what a greedy bastard you've been).
- Ralph Breaks the Internet:
- Abandoning your responsibilities is totally okay, and if your friend protests he's the one in the wrong.
- It doesn't matter if he's protesting because he knows from experience that that's a bad idea, he's still the one in the wrong.
- If your friend abandons their responsibilities to try an event, you should sabotage that event and endanger other people’s lives just to teach that friend a lesson.
- Don't ever game-jump, because it could lead to everyone else in your game being killed... No, wait, that was the message of the first film. It's totally fine to game-jump, even if the only reason is that you're bored with your current game. Who was Turbo again?
- Abandoning your responsibilities is totally okay, and if your friend protests he's the one in the wrong.
- Wish (2023):
- Anyone who has your best interest at heart is all secretly evil and must be purged.
- If someone says that all wishes cannot be granted and has the kingdom's best interests in mind when fulfilling them, then they will eventually open a dark magic book and be consumed by it, so remember kids. Never even bother sorting the lists of what to and not to do!
- On the other hand, if someone points out even the smallest flaw in your system and suggests a compromise to make it a little more fair for everyone, they, along with everyone else in your kingdom are the problem and must be punished in the worst way possible.
- Zootopia: Children don't learn to be racist; they're born racist! Only grown-ups are capable of being tolerant and open-minded because, obviously, they could do no wrong.
