"You know, I should have been more careful when I bought this game. I forgot the cardinal rule of movie tie-in games. It's that they always, always, suck. Especially when it's made twenty years after the fact!"
— The Spoony One, on The Thing (2002).
"(maniacal laughter) I can't-I can't believe it! Of all my master schemes to take over the world: the thousands I killed with my army of robotic suicide squirrels, the millions I spent trying to kill you all with Push n' Eat macaroni-in-a-tube, my even-as-of-yet [incomplete] orbital death ray...and all I had to do was RUN FOR PRESIDENT? (laughter) I wasn't even really taking this all that seriously! I even used my real name! YOU VOTED FOR A GUY NAMED 'DR. INSANO'! I mean, I know Lex Luthor won last term, but I thought that just had something to do with Superboy Prime punching reality; I never thought this would work! My election platform was to build a giant robot saw blade that would cut Canada off of the top and then attach it to Australia so they wouldn't bother us anymore! My Vice President is Fu Manchu! (through laughter) What the hell is wrong with you people?! I'm pretty sure that's not even LEGAL! Oh, man, we are so going to JACK this country up beyond repair. Oh, well, no point in wasting any more time. . .you will soon all receive your mandatory reassignment orders to my obedience domes; failure to comply will result in your summary execution, reanimation, and then your zombified corpses will be taken to serve as cannon fodder in my gladiatorial arena where you will periodically be chosen by lottery to fight with various dinosaurs, robots, aliens and other foul agents of the undead I create in my science lab...WITH SCIENCE!!!"
— Final Fantasy VIII review, Part 8: Dr. Insano's presidential acceptance speech.
"But I don't think [Squall] thought this plan all the way through, because he jumped out of an escape pod headed to Earth and now he has no way at all of getting back... BUT somehow, don't ask me how, they turn around and have the incredible good fortune to see an abandoned space warship called the Ragnarok that's gassed up, ready to go, still has oxygen and, best of all, is within spitting distance of their current predicament.
I just can't believe how half-assed and slipshod this writing is! One minute they're dying of asphyxiation in deep space and the next minute they look over and: "Hey, look, look, there's a space ship that civilians can fly, that can take us back to Earth and it's within half mile of a station that no one's noticed until now!"
It's this kind of thing that was a running joke in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Fucking Galaxy! There's Plot Convenience, there's Deus ex Machina, and then there's just pulling stuff right out of your ass! THAT... CAN'T... HAPPEN!!! You can't just go filling plot holes with bullshit! I've had acid flashbacks that had more narrative coherence than this!"
— The Spoony One on Final Fantasy VIII
"You should never have to beg for love and, if you do, it ain't love."
— Spoony in response to the Twilight franchise.
"You are not stupid for seeking people you identify with. You are not an idiot for finding friends and feeling like you have somewhere you belong. Your particular brand of happiness might be pretty fucked-up, but you're not fucked-up for pursuing that happiness. As long as you're not hurting anyone, wave that freak flag high. Final Fantasy VIII may suck, and you may suck for liking it, but I'm the captain of this suck-filled leaking failboat, and I'm not going to have some jerkoff movie critic who's never cracked a Player's Handbook in his life call my homies STUPID.
— Spoony, ranting
about Roger Ebert.
about Roger Ebert."There's Suspension Of Disbelief and then there's insulting my fucking intelligence."
— The Spoony One on the Wing Commander movie
"But there's just something about this game, something irrational, something instinctive that whenever I see this guy I just wanna punch this motherfucker! This sissy, shorts-wearing, fucking fat-faced Leonardo DiCaprio-looking jackoff! Fuck this guy! Fuck him in his leather lederhosen! I hate his fucking faggy Meg Ryan hair! I hate his smug, fucking hideous Arch Hall, Jr. face! I hate his stupid, girly, banana-colored half-vest! I hate his stupid, squeaky, nasal fucking voice! And every fucking time he opens his big fucking mouth I just wanna stab him in the throat with an ice pick just to watch him die!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE THIS GAME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
— Spoony's opinion of Tidus, hero of Final Fantasy X
"NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE! Why is Zeist never mentioned a single time by anyone in the first movie? Why doesn't McLeod recognize Ramirez at all when they meet in Scotland even though they got married on Zeist? Why does Ramirez have to explain everything about immortality to McLeod when he was listening when sentence was passed on Zeist? Why do the other Immortals want to fight anyway if the prize sucks so bad? Why are there other Immortals if Katana only sent McLeod and Ramirez to Earth and he specifically ordered his men to kill all the other rebels? Where do they come from?! Why are they immortal on Earth and not on Zeist? What the fuck is the Quickening? What's the deal with the glowing orange juice? What the fuck is he writing on McLeod's head? What's the significance of the Gathering? Why can they telepathically sense deer, and why is this never mentioned again? Why does McLeod have no idea how to fight even though he's an intergalactic freedom fighter? Why does this make even less sense than naked Sean Connery throwing axes at a floating zombie head? WHY AM I IN A STARFLEET UNIFORM?!?!"
— Spoony's ginormous list of questions about the massive Plot Holes and Fridge Logic caused by the storm of Retcons in the first twelve minutes of Highlander II: The Quickening
"This whole time, [Bella]’s like: ’I love Edward, it’s always been Edward, I always love Edward, I’m destined to be with Edward I love him, and his pale face and his big bush caterpillar eyebrows and I want to be with him always cause we have SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.’"
— Spoony on Bella in the Eclipse Review
"I AM FOKED!"
— Spoony in Paw's top 9 video game composers video.
"You're wrestlers! This is a wrestling show! WRESTLE! WRESTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
— Spoony when TNA's padding gets too much for him.
"You know that old saying 'never judge a book by its cover'? Well, fuck you, because that's books, not movies, and I don't think you could have found a better poster to scare an audience away from a theater if you had covered the entire building in a plastic sheet and set up a half mile military perimeter warning people of an anthrax-attack. I don't think I've ever seen a poster inspire less confidence than the three-headed monstrosity of Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows and, the crown-fucking-jewel, Matthew Lillard, the skinpeelingly-annoying jack-hole from Hackers.''
— Spoony, regarding Wing Commander's DVD cover.
"I may be evil, but at least I'm not full of crap!"
— Dr. Insano
"Okay, you know what? I have had just about enough of this, honestly, because this... this right here... this is fucking sick, all right? How many times I've gotta deal with a fucking encounter where the Avatar—the hero, the paragon of goodness and righteousness—is forced, I repeat, FORCED to violently murder several children! Because, you know, if it happened just one time I'd say, 'Okay, it's a mistake or just a bad joke,' but Richard Garriott is clearly putting this in on purpose; at least three games you do this! Honestly, Richard... you know, I love you, man, but fuck you with this child killing bullshit! I can't even believe that I have to explain why this is bad, but dude, it's... it's just not cool! I don't know if you're trying to make some kind of ethical or philosophical point about the hero being forced to massacre children, like 'the duality of man' or 'the nature of evil' or... you know what? I don't even give a fuck. I don't wanna kill children. Heroes—good guys—do not murder children, and the notion that you're given absolutely no alternative to doing so is fucking disgusting. What is wrong with you, man?! You've got serious problems!"
— Spoony vents his disgust about the Avatar killing children
There's Suspension of Disbelief and there's Get The Fuck Out.
— The Spoony One, about Final Fantasy XIII's character Snow able to have Super-Strength without any explanation whatsoever. This is before he finds out it's due to his power-enhancing trench coat.
"Oh, what!? Bullshit! BULLSHIT! THIS IS BULLSHIT! They were fucking zombies, but they got better!? Kiss my ass! And they don't explain why- You know what? You wanna know why this happens? Because of friendship. I'm not even fucking kidding you. Their friendship changes them back. I wanna find the motherfucker that wrote this game and take a shit in his wife! ...I don't even know what the fuck that means! Fuck you! Fuck you, game! You don't get to do this! You don't get to hang the Sword of fucking Damocles over the protagonists' heads— the main fear that's been driving them onward since the beginning of the fucking game— you don't get to do that, and then just Hand Wave it away by jerking off a brony and jizzing friendship sparkles all over it! This is such schmaltzy, lazily written, saccharine, childish, Pollyanna bullshit, I'm amazed I didn't get diabetes just watching it! Yeah, it all comes down to love and friendship. And you know what? I'm sure love and friendship can overcome the l'Cie curse and bring someone back. And you know... All those other people who became l'Cie? Who left behind friends, and children, and husbands, and families? You know what? Fuck it. I guess those people just didn't want it bad enough.
— Spoony, after the heroes recover from being turned into crystal zombies at the end of Final Fantasy XIII
Narrator: There are some who do not believe that the Source exists, but those who do believe have no idea what the Source truly is.
Spoony: Neither do I! And I saw the fucking movie!
Narrator: The most powerful force in the universe, but it cannot be used for evil. Only one immortal can reach the Source and pass its test. Only Duncan MacLeod was able to pass the test of the Source... Because the test is not about strength. It's about purity of heart.
Spoony: (Stunned) Fuck. You. Movie.
Narrator: The immortals believed that there could be only one, that all had die for that one to remain. But it wasn't about death. It was about life.
Spoony: (Raging) FUCK YOU AND DIE!
Narrator: Duncan was the one to have a child. A gift from the Source to us and the world.
Spoony: Noooo! Noooo! Not this way! You're telling me that this whole time, everything we've ever been told about fucking immortals, their fundamental reason for existing since the first fucking movie, the foundation for the entire series; fighting until only one remains... was always complete bullshit!? It's all just completely invalidated because it's about being pure of heart! What bullshit! The prize was never in danger of being captured by evil! It couldn't be captured by evil! All that fighting, all that struggle, every person that suffered and died, and it was all for no reason!?
(cue clip from Highlander)
Ramírez: In the end, there can be only one.
Spoony: Oh, no, no. I'm sorry, Ramírez. There can be only lots. But if you're a really, really nice guy, you win the prize! Turns out everything you told Connor MacLeod was wrong! "There can be only one." Fuck you! Fuck you and your Care Bears mealy-mouth purehearted dick-shit! You mean to tell me you've been crushing my balls since 1991 to tell me that the only thing Connor MacLeod needed to do to win the prize was to give the Kurgan a big fucking hug!? Fuck you! And what about the Animated Series? How well did that purity of heart pan out for the Jettator? Oh, that's right; they all fucking died! What about Darius, the guy from the TV show who completely renounced violence and became a Franciscan monk, and served as Duncan's moral compass? Oh, what? Was Darius not fucking pure of heart enough?! THIS is how Highlander ends; not with a literal bang, but with that same atrocious, brutal, offensive, horrible, shitheel band torturing Who Wants to Live Forever? as a final twist of the knife in the audience's heart! This is how the series rewards our loyalty? This is a spit in the face of the entire fanbase and a systematic raping of the series' core principles. This series stopped being recognizable as Highlander a long time ago— I admit that— but with this, it becomes the complete antithesis of the original movie that the fans knew and loved! It's not like the creators didn't just not get Highlander. Oh, they got it! But they have a burning, seething, contempt for it and all its fans. All the fans who came back to this series time and again; enduring the Quickening; suffering through Endgame; watched that wretched fucking cartoon and played that horrible fucking videogame. And we even gave the fucking Raven spinoff a chance! And it was all a waste of time. The prize is just the ability to have a fucking child? The intro to this movie asks if the Source exists to bring salvation or death, when in reality, it does neither. It only exists so Duncan can pork some vacant-eyed bimbo so she can fart out a baby! Fuck-a-doodle-doo! Oh, that makes it all worth it! This movie did more damage to my childhood memories than The Phantom fucking Menace. It's not only the worst movie in the series, it's damn near one of the worst, most offensive, piss poor movies ever made, and it can kiss my ass!
— Spoony's ending rant of Highlander: The Source
Spoony: I gotta show you this bit. It's skipping ahead a little bit. But fuck it. I'm gonna show you the absolute worst line in the entire fucking game. And just think about that for a second, given all the shit we've seen up until now. And we're not even twenty minutes into this game... Yeah. It's when you go to another city called Trinsic, which is the City of Honor. You are not gonna believe this shit.
Blacksmith: How are you today? I thought that I knew all of the paladins around here.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: (Covers his face and laughs in disbelief)
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: (shakes his head and gestures to play it again)
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: (mocking) What's a paladin?
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: Show it again.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: Again.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: AGAIN.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: What's. A paladin?
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: What's a paladin? You know... When I first played this game a long time ago, I had to stop right there. I had- I had to. I had to get up and walk away. And... It must have taken me a week or two weeks before I could even play the fucking game again, because... That line... "What's a paladin?" is so bad. And it's not because of the voice acting, not entirely. Trust me, the voice acting there is the stuff of fucking legend, but... That's not it. It's the line itself. It's... It's offensive. It's offensive to every loyal fan who ever payed money for an Ultima game. It's- It's a middle finger right up the ass to anyone who ever gave a shit, who ever got emotionally invested in the story or the characters. Why? Well, not only has the Avatar been around paladins since before he was the fucking Avatar, one of his closest friends and oldest, most stalwart companions through every adventure, Sir Dupre... He was a paladin. Who literally sacrificed his life by jumping into a cremation oven alive in the Avatar's place to save the entire world and the cosmos as we know it. It was one of the most moving, most shocking deaths in gaming histroy. And how... Oh, how does the Avatar remember his noble sacrifice?
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: "What's a paladin"!? FUCK! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!
Blacksmith: How are you today? I thought that I knew all of the paladins around here.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: (Covers his face and laughs in disbelief)
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: (shakes his head and gestures to play it again)
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: (mocking) What's a paladin?
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: Show it again.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: Again.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: AGAIN.
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: What's. A paladin?
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: What's a paladin? You know... When I first played this game a long time ago, I had to stop right there. I had- I had to. I had to get up and walk away. And... It must have taken me a week or two weeks before I could even play the fucking game again, because... That line... "What's a paladin?" is so bad. And it's not because of the voice acting, not entirely. Trust me, the voice acting there is the stuff of fucking legend, but... That's not it. It's the line itself. It's... It's offensive. It's offensive to every loyal fan who ever payed money for an Ultima game. It's- It's a middle finger right up the ass to anyone who ever gave a shit, who ever got emotionally invested in the story or the characters. Why? Well, not only has the Avatar been around paladins since before he was the fucking Avatar, one of his closest friends and oldest, most stalwart companions through every adventure, Sir Dupre... He was a paladin. Who literally sacrificed his life by jumping into a cremation oven alive in the Avatar's place to save the entire world and the cosmos as we know it. It was one of the most moving, most shocking deaths in gaming histroy. And how... Oh, how does the Avatar remember his noble sacrifice?
Avatar: What's a paladin?
Spoony: "What's a paladin"!? FUCK! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!
— Spoony's rant about the Avatar's stupidity in Ultima IX
It's all been a complete fucking waste of time! All of it! ALL OF- It was all leading to THIS! Dupre sacrificed not only his life, but his very SOUL, which is the energy that holds the Serpent of Chaos together, to save all life everywhere. The Avatar forgets he even existed, and then the game designers bring him back to life, which logically speaking, should destroy the Chaos Serpent all over again and doom all of existence to fucking ruination! And that's it, isn't it? You know? That's life in a nutshell, right? There's nothing I can care about so much that I won't eventually see it turn to shit in betrayal. I could list them off. Ultima. Star Wars. Indiana Jones. Fucking Spider-Man with One More Day. Comic books in general. Final Fantasy. ...Fuck, my job. My fucking life. Just take it from me, alright? The most you people can hope to do is die before you can see everything you take joy and comfort in rot into filth and leave a steaming, stinking hole in your soul that NEVER FUCKING HEALS.
The Guardian: But I think we all know how this ends. Don't we, Avatar?
Spoony: I guess we do, but... they were sometimes known as the Twelve Peers.
The Guardian: ...What?
Spoony: Now, historically, they were the foremost members of Charlemagne's court, although many of their famous exploits are largely fictitious, representing Christian martial superiority over the Saracen hordes.
The Guardian: What are you dribbling about?
Spoony: Well, my friend... That's a Paladin.
(Dramatic Gun Cock, fires on the Guardian, The Thing I Hate plays triumphantly over the credits)
— Spoony's finest hour in the face of Ultima IX induced madness
"Paranoid? Well, I've been in a twitter war with a Black Knight from an RPG on the original Game Boy for a few months. I've been playing Civilization V and got preemptively nuked by Ghandi, and had a pretty good time doing that. I've played the Battlestar Galactica Board Game and its expansions about 167 times, and it keeps getting bloodier! Every! Single! Time! I play it! Not to mention the fact you're talking to the Toilet Pizza Guy! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm paranoid?"
— Spoony's response to Baron Samedi asking if he's paranoid in his revisit to the Nightmare Board Games.
"How old did you say you were, fossil?"
— Baron Samedi's response to the above.
