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  • Let's start off this list with every grunt made on the show.
  • In one episode, Al becomes part owner of Harry's Hardware. He puts up a "No Free Coffee" sign to deter "freeloaders", causing Benny (who is currently enjoying a cup of coffee without buying anything) to complain, as he now has to pay for his coffee. He asks to borrow money from Harry, who gives it to Benny, who gives it to Al, who gives it back to Harry, who puts it right back into the cash register.
  • This exchange from "Adventures In Fine Dining":
    Brad: What about live chicken?
    Tim: Live Chicken?! Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
    Brad: Mom...
    Jill: What?
    Brad: Dad's cussing.
    Tim: I wasn't cussing!
    Mark: He said a bad word.
    Tim: It wasn't bad.
    Randy: Yeah, he said hell and damn.
    Tim: I did not say damn.
    Randy: Now ya did.
    • Tim's Face Palm at the end really sells it.
  • "Rites & Wrongs Of Passage" from season 2. Tim has a kilt on for a festival he's going to. While trying to have a serious discussion with Wilson, he spends half the time figuring out how to sit properly in the damn thing.
    • The blooper during the credits has Tim Allen flashing Patricia Richardson.
  • In the episode "Unchained Malady", Tim has been having a string of bad luck which he starts to believe is from his not forwarding a chain letter that he had scoffed at earlier. One of the warnings at the end of the letter was that "a naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later he was decapitated". Tim talks to Wilson for reassurance later, and has this exchange with him:
    Wilson: Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously.
    Wilson: He was a naval officer in Borneo.
    (Tim looks up at the camera with a shocked expression)
  • The Binford 8200 chainsaw.
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  • A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of Tool Time.
    Woman: How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?
    Tim and Al: (simultaneously) THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!
    Tim: What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?
  • "What Al doesn't know is that this really isn't a soundproof booth."
    Al: (seeing Tim pantomiming to him, pretending he can't hear him) Huh. This is actually very good. In that case, I should be the host of this show!
    Tim: ... (mouths "oh yeah" to the camera)
    Al: And another thing—that's a stupid haircut you have!
    Tim: (raises an eyebrow)
    Al: And one more thing— I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical~~ From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical!
    Tim: Al!
    Al: Yes?
    Tim: Can you hear me?
    Al: ...I can hear you!
    Tim: Think about that, Al...
    (Al gawks as it slowly dawns on him)
    Tim: Major-general Borland! (salutes)
    (Al pulls down the shade on the window of the not-soundproof booth)
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  • Regarding Heidi:
    Tim: Jill, look at her chest.
    Jill: You just noticed?
  • From "The Vasectomy One":
    Jill: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
    Tim: Says who, the wives with knives club?
    • At the doctor's office when Tim realizes he will need a "local" shot prior to the surgery.
    Tim: Local, like here in Detroit?
    Doctor: No, like 'local' here in your scrotum.
    (audience groans in sympathy)
    Doctor: That does sting for a few seconds
    Tim: YA THINK?!
    • Later:
    Tim: How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?
    Jill: Man land? Now you got a theme park between your legs?
  • The episode "What a Drag" has a lot of great funny moments despite being a Very Special Episode:
    Al: What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
    Tim: That's not oregano.
    Al: Tarragon?
    Tim: This is marijuana.
    Al: Jill cooks with marijuana?
    Tim: No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.
    Al: Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!
    Tim: Hey hey, calm down.
    Al: You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!
    Tim: Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
    Al: I can no longer run for political office!
    • Later:
    Jill: Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
    Tim: Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him off the pot.
  • Any time Tim mangles one of Wilson's sayings.
  • "If your drill says 'Binford'...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, TOOLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YA!"
  • "Hardware Habit to Break" It's the way Tim says it.
    Marty: Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
    Tim: Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. What the hell's the matter with you?!
  • One Christmas episode had Tim and Al stuck on a plane that couldn't land due to thick fog. Tim bemoans the fact that he'll miss his boys lighting up the house for Christmas. Meanwhile, on the ground, the boys do light up the house - which nearly blinds Tim as he looks out the window - and the pilot suddenly has a guiding light for a safe landing.
  • "Bye-Bye Birdie": 3:57 here (Cheesemilk); also around 6:15 (23...24)
  • In the episode "Too Many Cooks" Al gets an opportunity to fill in as host of a cooking show, and has Tim on as his assistant. The role reversal is pretty funny as Tim, having decent rudimentary cooking skills due to Jill's Lethal Chef tendencies, and, a little sour at being an assistant, worked as the serious sidekick who did all the work, and Al, his head swelled up as the host, filled Tim's usual role as the charismatic purveyor of disaster.
  • The "Tool Time" segments before the credits. That's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that literally paints a picture of Al. And that time they launched a grill into orbit using rocket fuel...
  • You forgot the pizza AND Marty.
  • In one episode, they're building a rocking chair, and demonstrating how to carve the legs with a lathe, which Al is using. Tim then drops some info about safety around a device that spins (in this case) a piece of wood at hundreds of RPMs, saying that it can be a major safety hazard; this was why he specifically was not wearing a tie. Which is all fine and good, until...
    Tim: ...and no loose clothing! (his entire shirt gets snatched off at once with a loud FWIP, and is spun around the leg of the chair)
  • The K&B Boys have come to Tool Time to share some tips for cooking on the job. One of them makes a kabob using a dipstick. The only cleaning done to the dipstick is one sweep of a rag. This makes Al suffer a minor Heroic BSoD as he contemplates what the dipstick has added to the kabob.
  • Antonio the waiter who has made a few appearances. Snarky is a understatement when it came to him.
  • The episode "My Son the Driver", where Tim had Al Unser as his guest...or rather, as his guests, since there are three generations of Al Unsers. Hilarity ensues...
  • A bit of Cringe Comedy in one segment: Tim and Al's very first, very awkward, ''Tool Time.''
    (Tim readies giant sledgehammer)
    Tim: Al, would you hold the stake while I drive her in?
    Al: I'd be pleased to, Tim. (to audience) With an expert like Tim, I know I'm in good hands!
    • The fact that Tim started with a beard and Al didn't. A beardless Richard Karn caused the audience to lose it.
  • The Man's Kitchen. Everything is in excess to absurd degrees. The "macrowave", the butcher in the freezer, and the beverage lineup: Beer, root beer, and Pepto Bismol. The Call-Back at the end is priceless.
    • Really, all of The Man's (Insert Room) gags are equal parts hilarious and awesome.
  • Season 7 episode "Room At The Top," where Tim tries to grow a beard. It doesn't really pan out, but makes for some snark fodder:
    Al: And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
    Tim: Gee, Al. Not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.
  • Jill is horrified when she realizes after a major snowstorm that she left Tim's beloved classic car outside with its hood down. She brings it to the garage, staring in shock at how the car is covered inside and out by snow and Tim is going to be outraged. When she wonders how this could happen, Brad brings down the house with his reply.
    Brad: They say when married people have been together long enough, they start acting like each other.
  • In "Taking Jill for Granite", Tim hires "a granite guy" named Ian for a kitchen remodel, but the guy turns out to be someone who asked Jill out on a date and who she had a dream about a few episodes ago. When Ian misinterprets a signal and kisses her, she has to fire him. Tim is upset that she fired "the granite guy" and is even more when he finds out about the kiss.
    Tim: He kissed you? Well, what did you do?
    Jill: I pushed him away!
    Tim: Well, you should've fired him!
    Jill: I did fire him!
    Tim: (beat) Aw, you fired the granite guy?!
  • When Jill is annoyed that Tim is getting an honorary doctorate based on his celebrity while Jill is actually back in school earning her advanced degree (not to mention Tim being a Smug Snake about it), she goes to Wilson for advice. Then, in a hilarious subversion, Wilson gets even more annoyed than Jill, ranting about how much work he had to suffer to get his degree. Even when he tries to dispense advice that they should be happy for Tim, they both admit it doesn't make any of them feel better.
    Wilson: Talk me down, Jill, talk me down!
  • This gem.
    Jill: Remember what Freud said, 'there are no accidents'.
    Wilson: With all due respect to Freud, I don't think he ever watched Tool Time.
  • Tim comes home from Tool Time with a piece of a table glued to his forehead (he really should have listened when Al warned him to be careful with the strong instantly-drying glue).
    Jill: You should go to the emergency room.
    Tim: I was just there, they said I wasn't a priority.
    Jill: Why, was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?
  • One from the outtakes—in an episode where Brad and Randy are having a tougher time getting along than normal, Jill asks Tim to intervene. He tells them to take it outside. She's annoyed, but before he can take a more direct hand to stop them, there's a yelp and we see, through the sliding glass door, Randy being thrown around. In one of the outtakes, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zachary Ty Brian found a couple of stage rapiers and duel their way into the shot.
    • Another great outtake is from the episode where Tim and Al get arrested for scalping tickets. During the scene where he's supposed to be talking to Jill through the bars, Tim orchestrates a sudden jailbreak:
      "Hey, guys, I jimmied the lock! Let's get outta here! Get the women! Get the women!"
  • In a season 8 episode, Brad spends the duration trying to convince Jill to let him go to Florida with his friends on spring break. The episode ends with him telling her that they will be separated by gender, there will be parental supervisors, and nothing fun will happen.
    Mark: So why do you want to go?
    Brad: (beat, thinks this over) I don't think I do anymore.
  • Tim and Al's Mistaken for Gay moment in the episode "Roomie For Improvement".
  • Tim's "Suit in a Pouch" from the episode "Feud for Thought". Especially when Tim says his horribly wrinkled suit "just needs to breathe" and Jill says, "It looks like it needs CPR!"
    • Another one involving clothing — Tim complains that Jill keeps far too many clothes in the closet and says this is "suffocating" his shirts. Just for emphasis, he takes out a shirt and starts giving it CPR and frantically begging it to live.
    • Another one involving suits, from season 3's "The Colonel", there's a Running Gag throughout referencing a tacky green suit Tim has, ending with a good solid Chekhov's Gag.
  • When Tim and the boys are camping out due to Jill's sisters visiting and Tim's snoring is keeping them up:
    Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
    Randy: Then he'll just breathe out his mouth
    Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
    Randy: (beat) I think that's called murder.
  • The fact that Tim is so accident prone that he knows all the hospital staff by name thanks to how often he winds up there. He even has a coffee mug with his name on it.
  • Near the beginning of "You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts," Tim brags about his wonderful sense of direction, then heads for the garage.
    Jill: Tim? The car's out front.
  • In the alternate ending to "The Tool Man Delivers" Tim gets a cigar on the house and wants to light it. The store owner advises him against it because he's lighting a match in a store full of gallons of gasoline. Tim being the arrogant guy he is, insists he smokes wherever he wants to smoke strikes a match. Cue a big explosion with Tim flying upwards off the roof and into the water. It's even funnier when you realize they used footage from Darkman for the explosion.
    Tim: Now that's refreshing!!!!
  • This glorious example of Getting Crap Past the Radar.
    Tim: Put your left arm on the tool. (Jill's eyes rove where they shouldn't)
    Jill: The wrench?
    Tim: The wrench.
  • In a First Season episode (Flying Sauces; The same one with the 'Dipstick Kebab' fact it follows that scene), Brad & Randy convince little Mark that they and the parents are evil space aliens. Tim & Jill get wind of this, inform Mark that the big brothers are messing with him and hatch a most brilliant scheme to get back at Randy & Brad. It involves stuff like Christmas lights the music of Iron Butterfly. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
  • Every instance of "The Man's (Placeholder)".
  • One Tool Time segment revolves around Al's ability to identify wood by smelling it. After two correct guesses, Tim decides to throw him off by quietly (since Al is blindfolded at the time) removing a sock and placing it on the next beam of wood before giving it to Al. The hilarity (and cringing) begins when Al takes a big whiff of the sock. It ends when Al is so disgusted by the sock that he tosses the beam to one side. Onto Tim's bare foot.
    • And, before then, when trying to sniff beyond the sock:
    Al: This one seems to be covered in... covered in... some kind of fungus!
    (cue Tim giving the audience an indignant look before glancing down at his foot)
  • From "The Niece"
    • After Tim tells Wilson about how the latter's niece feels like he's smothering her and the niece asks Tim if he said something:
    Tim I didn't mean to. He was... he was fiddling with his codpiece and it just popped out.
    • The WTF look on her face after he says this really makes it.
  • "Alarmed by Burglars": Wilson gets robbed, so Tim decides to buy a security system. For once, he decides to not go overboard and just buys a routine system (much to the surprise of everyone at the hardware store). When Tim gets home and says he did what she would've done, Jill (terrified by what happened at Wilson's) yells at him for bringing home a stripped down toy.
    Tim: [in complete shock] You want something bigger?
    Jill: Yes, yes! I want something much, MUCH bigger!
    Tim: [looking around] Am I in the right house?
  • When The Beach Boys guest starred in one episode, Tim said he was a big fan and asked them to play some of their biggest hits, like "Little Old G.T.O.", "Little Old Lady From Pasadena", and "Hey Little Cobra".
  • When introducing The Man's Bathroom:
    Tim: Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
    Al: I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
    Tim: OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
    Al: I consider calling in sick. (His pleased smirk and Tim's false smile and laugh seal the deal)
  • When Jill's parents are having a heartwarming moment and her father is promising to take his wife on a trip to Italy and Venice like she always wanted, his Interservice Rivalry kicks up when he finds out a gondola is a boat.
    Fred: Well, we could see the sights, eat some pasta, go on a gondola ride.
    Lillian: I thought you hated boats.
    Fred: [Beat] A gondola's a boat?


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