Funny / HISHE 2005 To 2011 Episodes

Main | 2005–11 | 2012–13 | 2014–15 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 | 2023 | 2024

---

2005

How The Matrix Revolutions Should Have Ended

• The Smiths defeat Neo by dogpiling up on him. The sheer amount of Smiths that do so results in the pile being visible from space.
• Bill and Ted arrive and marvel at the coolness of the future. Ted then feels a sense of familiarity with the whole place...

How Saving Private Ryan Should Have Ended

• The entire film turns out to be another anecdote from Forrest Gump... who gets called out by a guy who pulls off one hell of an Actor Allusion:
  Guy: Wait a second. Are you freaking kidding me? You couldn't have been a captain in World War II and been a private in the Vietnam War. Alright, Mr. I've-Met-Three-Different-Presidents. I suppose next you'll be telling us you were on the Apollo 13 mission! After all, you are a ping-pong champion, why wouldn't you go to the moon? Maybe it's because you were too busy being a record-producer selling a major hit song in the 60s. Or maybe you lived on a deserted island for six years. Oh, wait wait, no no. You were in a volcano! I suppose there you met a mermaid in the ocean and fell in love, right? Oh, or maybe you were a cop and you had a giant dog for a partner who wouldn't let you sleep in Seattle because your neighbors were burying people in their backyard. Or better yet! When you were a kid, you wished to be bigger. That's clearly the only way you could've done all these things, right? I mean according to you, you've done everything from dressing up like a woman to being Santa Claus!
  [gets shot by Buzz Lightyear]
  Buzz: Man, that guy was annoying.

How Braveheart Should Have Ended

• It turns out that William Wallace is in fact... a robot. Who can shoot fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse, as he had promised earlier in the film itself.
  "Didn't see that comin'."
• And Wallace's terrific little theme song afterward:
  Oh, I stab, and chop, and punch at will!
  I wear a skirt that's called a kilt!
  Don't have a beard, but I'm Scottish still,
  'cuz I'M THE WILLIAM WALLACE!

2006

How Superman Should Have Ended

• This HISHE features an early sign that this version of Superman likes to show off; when Lex Luthor challenges him that he can't get both of the missiles that Lex has targeted at the San Andreas fault, Superman proves him wrong by speeding off, only to show up back at Lex's lair seconds later... with both missiles.
  Superman: These missiles?
  Lex: Holy crap!
  Superman: Are these the missiles you were talking about, Lex?
  Lex: Yes!
  Superman: What?
  Lex: Yes, I said those were the ones!
  Superman: I mean, I flew around the earth a few times, but these were the only giant missiles I could find. But you said I couldn't possibly catch them both, so these must not be the missiles you were talking about.
  Lex: Yes, those were the ones, all right!? You win! Please, just get them out of here!
  [Beat]
  Superman: You diseased maniac!

2007

How Spider-Man 3 Should Have Ended

• How Sandman's transformation would have gone had the sand-mutation scientists just done their jobs properly:
  Scientist 1: There's a change in the silicone mass.
  Scientist 2: Yeah, it's probably just a bird.
  Scientist 3: Here's a bright idea: Why don't you make SURE it's a bird before you mutate the crap out of something just because you were too lazy to safely run this nighttime sand-mutation experiment?
  Scientist 2: Ugh, fine. [safety barrier is lifted, looks out into the pit] That is a big bird down there...kind of looks like a guy. Oh, wait, it IS a guy down there!
  [cut to Flint Marco being put in a police van]
  Flint: You- you don't understand! I have a daughter, she's sick! That makes it okay for me to break the law! I'm not a bad person!
• Peter tells Aunt May that he's going to ask Mary-Jane to marry him. She tells him that this reminds her of a long, boring story about his uncle, that will only make him feel guilty and make the wrong decisions in life.
• Harry Osborn's butler FINALLY decides to tell him the truth about his father's death, and how it is apparent that Spider-Man didn't kill him. Harry immediately fires him for knowing this the whole time and picking now to tell him.
  Butler: I thought this would be the best time to tell you the truth.
  Harry: I TOOK A GRENADE TO THE FACE, DUDE!
• The entire conversation between Venom and Spidey near the end, filled to the BRIM with Lampshade Hanging and Spidey being completely Genre Savvy:
  Venom: [takes off symbiote mask to reveal Eddie Brock's face] Hey, Parker.
  Spider-Man: Eddie! ...wait, why do you have a scary Venom face if you're just gonna peel it back when you talk?
  Venom: Because this way I get more face time!
  Spider-Man: That's lame.
  Venom: YOU'RE lame! And now I'm gonna kill your girlfriend!
  Spider-Man: [completely unfettered] Oh, there's a big surprise. Out of all the dastardly plots you could put together, you wanna threaten my girlfriend. Just like EVERY other villain I've encountered.
  Venom: Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!
  Spider-Man: Seriously? You rush in here like you can take ME? This is my third movie! Spider-Man TRES, amigo! You think they're gonna kill me off!? NO! Look, do you know of ANY movies where they kill the title character off at the end?
  Venom: Donnie Darko... Old Yeller... Romeo & Juliet...
  Spider-Man: Yeah. I didn't think so.
  Harry: [flying to where the climactic battle is taking place] Hang on, Pete! I'm coming for ya, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend!
  Spider-Man: I'm just saying. There's only one way this is going to go down. It happens every time. We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask. But in the end, I'm just gonna leap out of the way, and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself!
  Venom: Or maybe I'm just gonna kill you and your girlfriend, because I'm awesome and you've met your match!
  Scientist 2: [releases bird] Fly away, pretty bird. No sand mutation for you tonight.
  Harry: Oh, I can't wait to help my best friend in the whole wide world!
  Spider-Man: I promise you! Things are already in motion! You still have a chance to walk away here!
  Harry: Here I come, Pete! I'll help ya save the day! No matter what, I'll help ya— BIIIRD!! [gets hit in the face by the bird the scientist just released, and crashes into the construction frame. Pumpkin bombs go flying from the glider]
  Venom: Quit talking like you're in control, Parker! You're just a bug trapped in the web I—
  Spider-Man: Aaand leap... [jumps out of the way of the pumpkin bombs]
  Venom: Aw, dang, he was telling the truth. [gets blown up]
  • Even better is when Peter says "Just like EVERY other villain I've encountered", MJ is shown sitting in the taxi that's suspended hundreds of feet in the air with a thoroughly impatient look on her face.
• Batman and Superman see Peter, acting like a douchebag thanks to the Symbiote, strutting past the café:
  Superman: What the heck was that?
  Batman: Peter Parker just did a Saturday Night Fever strut across our window.
  Superman: I know, but...why?
  Batman: I'm not sure. But I was afraid something like this would happen.
  Superman: What do you mean?
  Batman: Uh, have you seen this?
  [Batman shows Supes a video on his Bat-phone of Spidey doing an extremely camp dance to a dance remix of the 1960's theme]
  Superman: Ugh... [facepalm]
• Mary-Jane's reason for breaking up with Peter? He cries too much. And the whole time she does so, Peter can't stop crying.
• "SPIDER-MAN! SPIDER-MAN! HE'S THE MAAAN WITH THE PLAAAAAAN!"

2009

Terminator – How It Should End

• The video is revealed to be Terminator doing a crossover with Back to the Future. Watching Strickland get stabbed and Biff shot was just the icing.

2010

How Star Trek Should Have Ended

• The Enterprise exits a black hole... and it's immediately blown up by a blast. Cue pan out to reveal a Death Star.
  Darth Vader: Oh, we are going to get so much crap for that.
• And then Spock Prime appears and gives the vulcan nerve pinch
  Darth Vader: Nooooooooooooooo!

How Predator Should Have Ended

• Dutch appears very filthy in "How To Survive An Alien Attack", a PSA explaining that after he sets up booby traps for aliens, he likes to hide in the mud and watch the aliens get trapped.
  Interviewer: That doesn't smell like mud.
  Dutch: You don't smell like mud!
• Dutch and Co. throwing away their weapons when they realize that the Predator didn't attack the girl because she wasn't armed, so killing her wouldn't be sporting. This is followed by the Predator trying, and failing, to get them to arm themselves.
• Dutch's Oh, Crap! moment when he realizes the chopper is armed:
  Dutch: You idiots! There are weapons on the choppa!
  Cue the Predator holding a very big sword leaping towards them as the clip ends.

How The Empire Strikes Back Should Have Ended

• Vader walking around his ship, telling everyone around that he has a son.
  Emperor: I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.
  Vader: What? I have a son!?
  Emperor: [confused] No, I said Anakin Skywalker has a son. You are Darth Vad—
  Vader: I have a son! This is wonderful! I must see him! [leaves the room]
  Emperor: [ignored] Wait, where are you going?
  Vader: [goes around] Hey, everyone! Have you heard the news? I'm a father! Woohoo! I have a son, stormtroopers! I have a son, asteroids! Hey, bounty hunters, guess what, I have a son, did you know that? I have a son, little droid that drives around the hallways! [as the Star Destroyer is entering the hyperspace] I have a son, lightspeee—WHOA!
• And this is the extended version of that scene.
  Vader: [to Imperial Navy Officers] Hey, everyone! Have you heard the news? I'm a father! Woohoo! Oh, this is great! No force choking all around!
  Imperial officers: Woohoo!
  Vader: [cut to other characters... and things] I have a son, stormtroopers! I have a son, asteroids! TIE Fighters, I have a soooooon! [Does a Happy Dance] Hey, bounty hunters, guess what, I have a son, did you know that?
  Boba Fett: Yes.
  Vader: You already knew? Who told you? Quit standing around and get back to work. [cut to other characters/things again] I have a son, little droid that drives around the hallways! [as the Star Destroyer is entering the hyperspace] I have a son, lightspeee—WHOA! [cut to Cloud City where Vader talks with Compelling Voice] Greetings, Cloud City. How are you? Well, I'm doing fantastic, thank you for asking. Because I just found out I have a son! You may commence with the pleasantries. [Cloud City citizens have WTF expression. Cut to the carbonite-frozen Han Solo] I have a son, Captain Solo, who is now frozen in carbonite and can't really hear me. HAHA!
• And when Luke jumps off of the bottom of Bespin after rejecting Vader's We Can Rule Together offer, Vader instead catches him with the Force and comically dangles him upside down:
  Vader: Oh, hang on. Where do you think you're going?
  Luke: AW, COME ON!
  Vader: This isn't a negotiation.
  Luke: Let me go!
  Vader: I'm your father, and I say we're going home.
  Luke: You're the worst dad EVER!
  Vader: More like the most powerful dad ever! [chuckles]

2011

How Jurassic Park Should Have Ended

• John Hammond in the middle of his "Welcome to Jurassic Park!" moment, only for him to be interrupted mid-sentence when a dinosaur drops a lot of dung on top of him. The driver next to Malcolm, then goes "Ooohooo, more like, Jurassic Plop! Hahahaha, am I right? Yeah, am I right? (elbowing Malcolm) Yeah, you're laughing".

How Aliens Should Have Ended

• Ripley has the foresight to use a motion tracker to scan for the Alien upon arriving at the Sulaco. It is easily detected, and all surviving humans (including Newt) unleash entire Pulse Rifle magazines upon it when it tries to come down from the landing gear.
  Newt: You're mostly dead now... mostly.
• Followed by "But since that didn't happen here's how it should have ended"
  [Ripley holds onto the ladder as the robot suit, the alien, her friend and Newt get sucked out into space]
  Bishop: Why would you do this Ripleeeey!
  Newt: I thought you loved meeeeeee!
  Ripley: I don't know! I'm sorry! I thought my arm could withstand the entire vacuum of spaaaace!
  [Ripley's arm gets ripped off and she gets sucked out into space as well]

How Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Should Have Ended

• Makarov and his men getting arrested during the "No Russian" mission...over Joseph Allen pointing a gun at airport security for touching his crotch.
• And while in their jail cell, Allen simply shoots the others, remarking how it was incredibly easy and wondering why he didn't think of doing it beforehand.^note Ignoring the glaring question of why Allen and the others were allowed to keep their guns in prison
• The way the group briefly end up on a floor full of zombies.
  Viktor: Oops! Wrong floor.
• The cameos from Lost characters among the crowd.
• "I guess it takes an assault rifle to get special treatment around here!"

How Toy Story 3 Should Have Ended

• When Andy changes his mind about his toys and is taking them back from Bonnie.
  Andy: Okay-I-changed-my-mind-I-love-these-toys-you-can't-have-them-I'm-taking-them-all-back-[drives away]-SEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH...
  Bonnie: ...[starts crying]
  Andy: Hahahahahahaha! I can't believe I almost gave you guys away! We're gonna go to college! It's gonna be great! You guys are the best!
  Woody: ...[all toys pop out of the box] And we've been alive this whole time!
  Andy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [crashes car]
• Immediately followed by a The End screen with a Suspiciously Similar Song version of "You Got A Friend In Me" playing over it:
  You just wrecked your car / You just wrecked your car / Your toys are talkin', think you've lost your mind / And you just wrecked your car!
• And then an injured Andy seeing Sulley and WALL•E in his dorm room and questioning his sanity.
  YouTube comment: Just wait until he finds out that little people in his head control how he feels!

How Mortal Kombat Should Have Ended

• Liu Kang vs. Pink Scorpion!
  Liu Kang: *Turns into a dragon and eats Pink Scorpion*
  Shang Tsung: "What the- What the BEEP man?"
• When Liu Kang objects to Shang Tsung banning him from becoming a dragon right at the start of the fight, he points out that they're allowing people like Scorpion, who's an undead ninja with hellfire, and Sub-Zero, who he addresses as "Mr. Freeze". Sub-Zero replies by Flipping the Bird, with a massive icy fist and middle finger formed by his cryomancy.
• Shang Tsung, Scorpion, and Dragon Liu Kang having tea together. Dragon Liu Kang is even wearing a tiara and opera gloves!

How Captain America: The First Avenger Should Have Ended

• The Project Rebirth pod first opens up to show Steve as The Human Torch, before Doctor Zola says that he's "not ready".
• And when he is?
  SUPERHERO STEROIDS!
• Doctor Zola wonders why the city names on the German bombs were written in English:^note Even though that's exactly how the city names would be written in German.
  Doctor Zola: But why do you want it in English, sir? We are German.
  Red Skull: DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS!
• Captain America shouting "THANKS FOR THE MUSCLES, BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW!" as his plane goes down.
• In the super cafe, Batman and Superman make fun of how Steve could have easily turned the plane around and saved the day by making up a song to the tune of the 1960s Captain America theme.
  Both: When Captain America throws his mighty shield...
  Both: ...All those who choose to oppose his shield must yield!
  Superman: Unless you're a bomb,
  Batman: Or a plane,
  Superman: Or some ice!
  Batman: Then he'll choose to take a nap
  Superman: 'Cause the ice seems nice!
  Both: When Captain America throws his mighty shield!

How X-Men: First Class Should Have Ended

• Everybody ignores how Charles has been paralyzed and has to force Azazel take him to the hospital after he immobilizes everybody (except for Magneto).
  Magneto: Oh great. Now how are we supposed to get home?
• "OH LORD, THE DEVIL'S DROPPIN' OFF PEOPLE IN THE E.R.!"
• Batman starting a conversation about Twitter, simply as a means to reveal that his updates are just:
  Batman: "I'm Batman!"
• Batman striking out with Emma Frost.
  Emma Frost: [walking past Batman and Wolverine] Hey, boys.
  Batman: Heyyyyy. I'm Batman. [follows Emma offscreen] You wanna know my secret identity?
  Emma Frost: You're Bruce Wayne?
  Batman: Dang. I forgot you read minds.
  Emma Frost: Your breath smells like coffee.

How Resident Evil Should Have Ended

• The "Lonely Zombie" song. Most of the comments on the Resident Evil parody are about the random zombie who provides the chorus, all the while walking in and out of the scene.
  Zombie: ...brains.

How Lost Should Have Ended – Hurley

• In the second Lost episode, Hurley protects the Island's heart by simply nailing a "Keep out! Causes deadly smoke monsters," sign in front of it. Then, now that he and Ben have loads of free time, they have a montage with an awesome song playing in the background.

---