Funny / Guards N' Retards

SMG4 Funny Index
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Arcs: The Waluigi Arc | The Rapper Bob Arc | The Anime Arc | The YouTube Arc | Genesis Arc | Revelations Arc | The Lawsuit Arc
Movies: Meggy's Destiny: An SMG4 Movie | The SMG4 Movie: 10 Year Anniversary Special | SMG4 Movie: Revelations | SMG4 Movie: It's Gotta Be Perfect | SMG4 Movie: Western Spaghetti | SMG4 Movie: PUZZLEVISION
Other: War of the Fat Italians | Guards N' Retards | The Awesome Mario | Sunset Paradise | SMG4 Crew

Dun be sad; be :D

Unsurprisingly, SMG4's videos are full of opportunities for laughter.

Moment Subpages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

The Butt Ninja

• Swagmaster's first line of the series.

  Swagmaster: WHAT THE FACK?! Where are all the sexy-ass ladies they said in the commercial?!

• Swagmaster trying to kill Tubbie Wonka.
• After Chris sees the Butt Ninja:

  Chris: HE'S GETTING AWAY! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!

  Swagmaster: Lawl, good luck with that.

  • Even funnier when you realize Swagmaster's head is going through the wall.
• Swagmaster faking his death in order to get boobs.
• The psycho lady. Everything about the psycho lady.
• "Nipple twist!"
• Morgan Freeman is a living version of this trope.
• Swagmaster going into "Swag Mode".
• Swagmaster's first reaction to being inside the air vents is "Wow, it smells like my house in here."

Pointy Things

• Swagmaster playing Marco Polo with himself.
• Swagmaster going on a rant about Sergeant Mark.

  Swagmaster: I'll let you know I am the king of Chopanese- Ah goddamnit Chris. Why did you block my view? Who's this douchebag anyway? Is he part of The Wiggles?

• The scene with Kevin. All of it.
• Swagmaster's 7 steps to getting pointy boobs. Almost each one Goes Horribly Wrong.
• "Don't hurt me, I'm still a virgin!"
• After seeing that Mark's mother is dead:

  Chris: Oh shit...

  (Beat)

  Swagmaster: Welp, want to go get a burger?

  Chris: Ehh screw it, why not?

• Swagmaster's reaction to Mark's mother's corpse:

  Swagmaster: That doesn't look like pointy boob lady!

  (He puts party hats where her boobs should be)

  Swagmaster: (gleefully) There! Now it does.

  Mark: (losing his shit) You bastard! I'll kill you!

• This line of dialogue:

  Chris: Please, sir! We're not that bad of guards!

  Mark: How come there's a crazy man in my office then?

  (Kevin is causing a ruckus in Mark's office)

  Swagmaster: Seemed like a nice guy.

• Swagmaster and Mark having a rap battle.
  • "Bitch, I'm fabulous!"

Prisoners

• ROCKET LAUNCHER!
• "My ROFL copter goes SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI!"
• The prisoner killing his jailbuddy. "Raining already?"
• The psycho lady returns.
• Luigi breaking out of jail in an Affectionate Parody of the "Luigi Death Stare" meme.
• Po having a heart attack.
• Swagmaster goes into Swag Mode once again.
• Pictured: The text-to-speech program pronounces :D as "happy face", leading to this hilarious line of dialogue:

  Swagmaster: Chris. Look at me. Dun be sad. Be :D.

  Chris: Happy face?

  Swagmaster: Happy face! Now give me a :D hug!

  Chris: No really, that's fine!

  Swagmaster: No, come on! Don't be shy!

  Chris: Help! Rape!

• Every scene with Gavin. Every scene.
  • "I can explain... why there's a rocket launcher up Gavin's butt."
• The crazy old man.
• This line of dialogue after a prisoner escapes:

  Chris: I thought you said "Let them go free and they'll die"!

  Swagmaster: You actually trust the bullshit that comes out of my mouth?! When did you stoop so low Chris?

  Chris: Oh shut up!

  • And afterwards:
    Swagmaster: The prisoner looked like a rectangle with creepy-ass eyes.
    (Chris thinks of Barney)
    Chris: Oh jeez, we're screwed!
• Steve driving Luigi's kart.
• After Steve escapes:

  Swagmaster: We're fired, aren't we?

  Chris: Yup.

  (Beat)

  Swagmaster: Want to go draw penises on the sergeant's desk?

  Chris: Hell yeah, let's go!

Swag Party Hostages

• Chris, looking for Sergeant Mark, finds him... in a bad stuation:
  Chris: I swear to god... If his ugly yellow ass is not in here...
  Mark: What was that about my ugly yellow ass!?
  (pull back to reveal the butt ninja from the first episode holding him at gunpoint)
  • This tidbit:
  Chris: Swagmaster... as dumb as you are... please come and save me!
  (Jump Cut to Swagmaster staring at something.)
  Swagmaster: what is this bullsh*t! this drink machine doesn't have any beer! where's the good stuff?! what are these weird drinks!? coke (pronounced cock), coke zero, diet coke, sprite (pronounced spryte), solo (pronounced yolo).
  • "Coke Zero sounds like something I can get high on!"
  • Then Swagmaster snaps because he doesn't have enough coins, shoots the vending machine with an RPG, which launches it in the air... and crushes an unfortunate bystander. Which causes Swagmaster to backpedal about what he said.
• Chris talking to himself about how creepy he thinks Mark is.
  • Swagmaster notices Chris is taking longer than usual to come to work, and thinks that the reason for this is because Sergeant Mark is homo for Chris.
  Swagmaster: Oh well, more booty for me!
• The kidnapper's evil laugh.

  Kidnapper: Um... that was my evil laugh. It wasn't a stroke or... you know what, just go sit your ass down in the corner.

• The flashback of Swagmaster at the gay night club.
  • "Where'd my underwear go?!"
  • "And then you passed ou-" (boom!)
• "What kind of spaghetti factory has nuclear rockets?!"
  • "I'm such a clumsy handsome man."
• The kidnapper's ringtone is the My Little Pony theme song.

  Kidnapper: Oh for God's sake...

• "Grandma isn't making any more cookies for you chubby chins!"
  • "Can somebody please hold me?"
• "I don't want to die! I haven't got laid yet!"
• "I GOT A SWAG BONER RIGHT NOW! PREPARE ALL YOUR ANUSES!"
  • "Hands in the air for guns and porn!"
• Swagmaster's hallucination.
  • "Is this the Playboy mansion?"
  • Swagmaster thinking that the kidnapper is a princess and squeezing his nipples.
    Swagmaster: Quick question: Did I feel actual boobies or men boobies?
• "PREPARE YOUR BUTTHOLE"
• Swagmaster's secret attack: a giant fist from his crotch.
• Mark being gay with Mario.
• The evil guy turning the microphone on... and saying his voice sounds really sexy. Then...
  The Kidnapper: If no one tells me where this facility's money vault is, I'm going to blow this whole place up-
  Mark: (Interrupting) F*CK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!
  The Kidnapper: (Sounding unimpressed) Oh, wow. Really?
  Mark: Lol. Sorry, I just had to say that!

Swagmaster: Dafuq?

• Then Chris punches the evil guy out of the way and tricks Swagamaster into coming to save them by lying that this is actually a swag club announcement, and none of the workers are invited because they don't have the swag. Swagmaster... responds accordingly.

Swagmaster: HOLYSHIT WHATHASTHEWORLDCOMETO!? CHRISWASINVITEDTOASWAGPARTYBUTIWASN'T!? YOUSONOFAB**TCHIAMTHEMOST...SWAGGIESTPERSONINTHEWORLD! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK I'M SO PISSED! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! CHRIS AIN'T GOT SH*T ON ME! I'm coming for u b***hes!

Da Bomb

• Almost the entire video gets an A in making you laugh way too hard.
• The opening sequence where Chris runs into Swagmaster looking at him from an open ventilation duct while he's taking a shit.
  Chris: what are you even doing up there you freaking perv?
  Swagmaster: lol dont worry chris
  Swagmaster: nobody wants to see your dangle dongle
  (a tear forms on Chris's face)
• While in the ventilation ducts, Swagmaster gets the great idea to start singing "A Whole New World".
  Chris: somebody kill me
• Chris and Swagmaster spy on the Sergeant who is revealed to be watching Winx Club on his computer. Swagmaster calls the Sergeant a "massive tootsie roll".
• While Chris is trying to come up for a logical explanation for the titular bomb, Swagmaster is panicking in the background.
  Swagmaster: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD THIS FACTORY IS GOING TO GO KABOOM AND I NEVER EVER FELT LOVE BEFORE BUT I NEVER FELT WHAT A KICK TO THE BALLS FELT LIKE THO SO IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD HEY MAYBE THIS EXPLOSION ISN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL
• The plan to get the sergeant out of his office involves Swagmaster being disguised as a sheep (actually a Pokémon Mareep).
  Swagmaster: I'm going to fucking kill you for this Chris
• When the TNT explodes due to Greg mistaking it for a pack of hot dogs, Swagmaster utters this gem upon hearing the blast.
  Swagmaster: lol Chris Your Mom came to visit today
• The fact that somehow, Greg mistook the TNT for a pack of hot dogs is described perfectly by Chris.
  Chris: well swagmaster, i stand corrected, you are only the second dumbest piece of shit to walk this planet.

Job Hunting

• The reason they decide to quit their job at the spaghetti factory is simply because it "sucks ass".
• When they try to work at McDonald's, Swagmaster asks the customer how his sexy ass is today.
• Their next job is working at a bank...and Swagmaster takes all the money.
• Finally, they find a job at a movie theatre food stand, and end up killing the Old Man by giving him rat poison instead of popcorn.

The Vacation

• Swagmaster shooting the SMG4 logo and announcing his return.
• Swagmaster announces Chris is gay for him.
• The Guards go through security. Swagmaster kids to Chris that there is a bomb in his suitcase, however the security discovers there is a rocket launcher in his suitcase. Swagmaster then pins Chris for bringing the rocket launcher. The police go after Chris.
• The map icon being Jay Jay the Jet Plane with Swagmaster's face.
• Good lord, Swagmaster singing a parody of Stayin' Alive entitled "Stayin' Swag". At one point The Heavy makes an aroused face at Swagmaster. Swagmaster then announces he has a 10-hour remix of the song.
• Following the song, Chris holds up a sign saying "Retard for sale".
• "Have you ever seen shark tale?! that shit scars a man."
• Swagmaster tries to flirt with a girl using the "did you hurt when it fell from heaven" pick-up line but gets it wrong. He states that she looks like her face got smashed in.
• When the girl starts to drown as a tide comes in, Swagmaster shoots the lifeguard because he wants the girl's ass. He jumps into the water but suddenly remembers that he can't swim. He then proceeds to use the drowning girl as a flotation device. They both drown.
• Chris giving Swagmaster the Kiss of Life and Swagmaster shouting that he doesn't like Chris like that.
• "OH SHIT, angry men in underwear that's my one weakness!!!!"
• Swagmaster telling a civilian that Godzilla is attacking the city in an attempt to steal his car.
• Swagmaster admitting his driving skills are from Grand Theft Auto V.
• The police arrest what appears to be Swagmaster in a Paper-Thin Disguise. It turns out that it was Swagmaster's Identical Stranger.
• Swagmaster calling Chris "Christian J. Rodriguez" to which Chris announces that that isn't his name.
• Swagmaster announcing to Chris that he's pregnant.
• The montage of the Guards' beer party.
• Swagmaster announcing the beginning of their next adventure...and the video ends.

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