- Synthetic Voice Actor: Everyone except the Crazy Raisin Lady, Morgan Freeman, and Ivan have text-to-speech voices.
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Christopher "Chris" Gordman
One of the main protagonists of the "Guards N' Retards" along with his partner Swag who work as guards in a Spaghetti Factory. Uses the "Arctic Commander" model from GoldenEye (1997)
. He's much more competent and sane than Swag is. He and Swagmaster69696969696 have been playing more antagonistic roles in the main SMG4 series
- Anti-Hero: Though he's a lot nicer than Swagmaster, he can be just as violent and reckless as the latter is.
- Art Evolution: Originally animated in GoldenEye, as of "Mario Saves Anime" he and Swagmaster are animated entirely in Garry's Mod.
- Ax-Crazy: Just like Swagmaster, he has a tendency to shoot people who annoy him.
- Berserk Button: Everything Swagmaster does.
- Butt-Monkey: Even more so than Greg, simply because he has more screen time. He usually has to suffer along with Swag whenever they screw up. Which happens very often.
- Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: Functions as this to Swagmaster.
- Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: While Swagmaster has the lion's share of moments in "Mario's Prison Escape", he assists him by disarming Saiko of her shotgun with a magnet.
- Deadpan Snarker: Especially around Swag. But tends to be sarcastic towards most of the workers.
- Expy: His Microsoft Mike voice and more down to earth and cynical personality make him similar to The Arbiter from Arby 'n' the Chief.
- The Heavy: Of the Anime Arc, along with Swagmaster. After Peach bans anime, the A.S.S. do most of the heavy lifting, prior to their HeelFace Turn.
- Nice Guy: Well, nicer than Swagmaster at least.
- Not So Above It All: He's shown on occasion to join in on Swag's antics. One example would be the end of "Prisoners" where he happily agrees to Swag's idea of drawing penises all over Sergeant Mark's desk.
- Only Sane Man: He's the only one who takes his job as a guard seriously and believes that pretty much everyone working there acts like a mental patient.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: The serious Blue Oni to Swag's Red.
- Straight Man: Serves as a foil to Swag's antics.
- Unexplained Recovery: He commits suicide at the end of "Le train breach", only to show up alive and well next episode.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With his partner Swag. Despite being the victim of Swag's antics, he does care about him, even saving him from getting shot by Saiko in "Mario's Prison Escape".
One of the main protagonists of the "Guards N' Retards along with his partner Chris who work as guards in a Spaghetti Factory. Uses the "St. Petersburg Guard" model from GoldenEye (1997)
. He's very unintelligent and often causes a lot of the problems in the series.
- All Men Are Perverts: Has an unhealthy obsession with breasts and is even the main conflict in "Guards N' Retards: Pointy Things".
- Ambiguously Bi: He's clearly a pervert with a dangerous obsession with women's breasts, but he also shows signs of being attracted to men such as going to gay bars and flirting with a man in a bathroom stall. He denies it, however.
- Anti-Hero: He is a violent and reckless character who tends to shoot people annoying him.
- Art Evolution: Same as Chris.
- Ax-Crazy: Very much yes. Points for actually wielding an ax in "Mario's Prison Escape".
- Berserk Button:
- If he is not invited to a swag party...
- Hurting Chris. Francis' anime replicas learned this the hard way.
- Don't you dare say your penis is bigger than his.
- Beware the Silly Ones: He's a massive Cloudcuckoolander and rather incompetent besides, but when he puts his mind to something, be very afraid. A good example is "Mario's Prison Escape"; he chases Mario and friends through the vents with an ax and even takes their getaway vehicle out with a rocket launcher, despite being as much of a manchild as usual.
- Cloudcuckoolander: So very much.
- Cold Ham : His Microsoft Sam voice doesnt give him a wide range of emotions, but thanks to his inflated ego, he is still very much a Large Ham who will steal the spotlight with his overly dramatic performances and Badass Boasts whenever he has the opportunity.
- Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: As of "Mario's Prison Escape", while he's still very much a moron, he's capable of tanking Meggy's attacks with nothing more than a complaint that she shot off his pelvis, and landed a direct incapacitating shot on the Tari-boosted escape truck.
- The Determinator: Dodges every attack and kills every one of Francis' anime replicas once Chris is shot.
- The Ditz: How he got the guard job in the first place is questionable since he's possibly mentally challenged.
- Expy: His Microsoft Sam voice and his extreme lack of intelligence or morality make him just like Master Chief from Arby 'n' the Chief, only with better grammar.
- The Heavy: Of the Anime Arc, along with Chris. After Peach bans anime, the A.S.S. do most of the heavy lifting, prior to their HeelFace Turn.
- Informed Attribute: During his debut, Swagmaster said his name comes from his YouTube channel, yet this channel has never been seen, not even outside of Guards 'n Retards either, or even the "MarioTube" videos which actually have characters uploading YouTube videos.
- Jerkass: Most of the time, he's uncaring towards everyone but himself; he physically and verbally abuses everyone, and he puts his own desires above all else.
- Jerkass Has a Point: During the episode Mario Works at Mcdonalds Chris insists the disaster Mario caused would've been avoided if Swagmaster had just done his job. However, as Swagmaster stated it was Chris' idea to hire Mario in the first place knowing how dangerous he can be.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He does truly care about Chris, as shown in World War Mario. It's also shown one of the things that truly pisses him off is when Chris gets hurt.
- Laser-Guided Karma: One day, he kicked some aliens into the sand and ruined their ice cream. The next day, the same aliens shoot a door to pinch his "swag willy".
- Lethally Stupid: His general reaction to a lot of the situations is to use explosive weapons to the point where Chris can't trust him to go out on his own.
- Let's Get Dangerous!: After Mario and co. escape from prison, he and Chris chase them down and despite some setbacks, almost catch them. Swag gets another one of these moments in "World War Mario" after Chris gets shot, going full Leeroy Jenkins on the anime replicas that did it and capturing that bunker in the process.
- Never My Fault: Whenever he does something extraordinarily stupid, he will blame Chris for it.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: So far, Swagmaster has only been addressed by his supposed YouTube username, and his real name hasn't been revealed as of late.
- Psychopathic Manchild: He's a grown man who causes a bunch of senseless destruction, and generally acts like an undisciplined six-year old.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: The overly excited and reckless Red Oni to Chris' Blue.
- Small Name, Big Ego: Very stuck-up, but has nothing to back up his supposed skill.
- Somewhat subverted, as when he's actually focused enough, he's much more capable of backing up his ego.
- Too Dumb to Live: He often causes dangerous situations in his and Chris' lives.
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: Full stop. His stupidity and ego are just there for comedy, though he does show some good qualities, mainly his genuine care for Chris.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With his partner Chris.
Admiral Greg is one of Chris and Swag's superiors, along with Sergeant Mark and Tubbie Wonka. Greg has a "no nonsense" attitude, and always puts following the rules ahead of everything else, and because of this, nobody really likes him. Despite this, he has been shown to be very polite and forgiving, as well as very responsible and concerned. Uses the "Russian Soldier" model from GoldenEye (1997)
Sergeant Mark is one of Chris and Swag's superiors, along with Admiral Greg and Tubbie Wonka. Uses the "Moonraker Elite" model from GoldenEye (1997)
- Drill Sergeant Nasty
- Mean Boss: He is quite abrasive towards Chris and Swagmaster. Not that they're any better than him.
- Pointy-Haired Boss: He's got shades of this. In "Swag Party Hostages", he accidentally sent nuclear missile codes to Chris and Swagmaster, the latter of whom is a impulsive dumbass with the maturity of a ten-year-old. That alone says enough.
- Straight Gay: He states "Jackpot" upon seeing a naked Mario at the end of "Swag Party Hostages."
The owner of Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie in "Mario and the Retarded Spaghetti Factory".
The Butt Ninja
Uses the "Terrorist (Multiplayer; with Dinner Jacket)" model from GoldenEye (1997)
- Big Bad: Of Guards N' Retards: the butt ninja.
- The Dragon: To the Terrorist in Guards N' Retards: Swag Party Hostages.
- HeelFace Turn: Joins Swagmaster and Chris' party at the end of Guards N' Retards: Swag Party Hostages.
Uses the "Valentin Zukovski" model from GoldenEye (1997)
- Big Bad: Of Guards N' Retards: Swag Party Hostages.
A spy who works under Raymond who steals the briefcase that Chris and Swagmaster were supposed to protect. Uses the "Biker" model from GoldenEye (1997)
- Big Bad: Of Guards N' Retards: Le train breach until it's revealed that he is working for Raymond.
- The Dragon: To Raymond in Guards N' Retards: Le train breach.
Reymond D. Gai
The French-like boss of a rival spaghetti company who wishes to obtain the secret spaghetti formula of Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie in order to bring his spaghetti company rise back into the limelight. Uses the "Oddjob" model from GoldenEye (1997)
voiced by: Garrett Menshew
A creepy wizard dude who offers to help Swagmaster and Chris, but at a price.
- Big Bad: Of Guards N' Retards: Swag Magic.