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Funny / Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works Abridged

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Episode 0

  • Archer's reason for the living room being destroyed. You can't tell if he's being serious or not.
    Archer: I saw a spider, so I threw a table at it. It survived, so I threw a cabinet. This continued. The spider escaped. I assure you I mean to track it down.
  • Rin is completely convinced that 1. Archer is a Saber servant, 2. He's Actually Satan (the Actually is important), to the extent of spending a Command Seal on ordering him not to steal her soul. No matter how hard he tries, Archer can't convince her otherwise.
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  • Rin's reason for fighting the Holy Grail War is that so she can obtain the Holy Grail... as in, just the cup, not the wish.
    Rin: I just want to stand over the corpses of six fallen heroes drinking ginger-ale from a goblet touched by the blood of Christ. Teenage girl stuff!
  • Despite how much she annoys him, Rin's attitude towards attaining the grail is still enough for Archer to side with her.
    Archer: Fuck it, I'm in! I'm all about that zero-accountability life!
  • One of Lancer's quirks is spouting limericks at the people he's trying to kill. It's still badass, but the fact that he's even doing it in the first place is hilarious.
  • Archer sarcastically suggests that Lancer might be an Archer servant thanks to the possibility he could throw his spear.
    Rin: You can't just throw a weapon and call yourself an Archer, stupid!
    Archer: You sure about that? You sure that's a fact, Rin?
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  • Lancer demands Archer's name, yet is not forthcoming with his own.
    Lancer: What's your true name, Saber?
    Archer: Bite me. What's yours?
    Lancer: Me? My name's Mario. First name Mario, last name Mario. Mario Mario.
    Archer: Funny. I took you for the great Italian spearman, Cu Chulame.
    Lancer: Bite me, "Bite Me."
  • Once he figures out Lancer's identity, Archer postures in front of him while simultaneously trying to persuade Rin of just how much trouble they're in.
    Archer: Prepare yourself, Lancer. You've selected a terrible opponent as your first.
    Archer: (mentally) Rin, we need to get the FUCK out of here!
    Rin: What? Why?
    Archer: This guy is going to DESTROY me!
    Rin: Nah, you got this!
    Archer: He's pretty much Irish Hercules, Rin!
    Rin: But, is he Satan?
    Lancer: You're looking pretty distracted there, Saber.
    Archer: Just granting you the final moments deserved by a calf about to be slaughtered.
    • And in the same scene..
      Archer: (mentally) Rin, he is GOING TO MURDER ME!
      Rin: Just use your Reality Marble; pull him into Hell!
  • Rin's reaction to the real Saber.
    Rin: This servant... she isn't just Saber... she's... Bae-ber.
    Archer: Beautiful last words, Rin.

Episode 1

  • Thanks to who he's voiced by, the YouTube subtitles nearly call Shirou Kirito before correcting themselves.
  • Shirou meets Ilya.
    Ilya: It would be a terrible night to die. (disappears)
    Shirou: Uh... I don't disagree with that, but context please?! Hello?! Tiny frightening child?!
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  • Shirou gives himself away with his Squee! over Gáe Bolg.
    Lancer: Who's there? Who just complimented us?
  • While lecturing a dying Shirou on why he wouldn't want to be a hero, Lancer uses the ultimate fate of Fergus Mac Roich as an example of a "tragic bullshit ending".
    Lancer: A blind spearman got him. While swimming. Sucks to be Fergus. Sucks to be you.
    • And when Shirou is revived by Rin.
    Shirou: I'm okay! Suck it, Fergus! ...Whoever you are!
  • This exchange:
    Shirou: You know what, Lancer? I've got a whole can of 'not your business' with your name on it.
    Lancer: So, like, the can is my business, but not what's inside the can. That is a weird metaphor.
  • From the moment she's summoned, Saber is clearly seething from the events of Fate/Zero.
    Shirou: Hi...? My name is Shirou Emiya, and I've got—
    Saber: EMIYA?! ...Sorry, go on.
  • Before that, during the fight with Lancer, Saber using modern slang.
    Saber:note  Fo'Shizzle.
  • Rin makes her pitch to Shirou.
    Rin: I love your friend, Shirou.
    Archer: You know Rin, you and I may have more in common than I initially thought.
    Archer: Welp, there's my expectations, flying right out the window.

Episode 2

  • Rin quickly devolves into a screaming, hair-tearing tantrum when Shirou doesn't immediately hand her Saber.
  • Saber herself's thoughts on Rin's obsession:
    Saber: Be cautious, Master, this chick is cray-cray. Cray-Cray. Cray-cray? Is that something people say now?
  • Kirei's initial disappointment that Shirou isn't another Serial Killer. But...
  • ... the Foe Yay Kirei has towards Kiritsugu is uncomfortably apparent once he learns Shirou's name.
    Kirei: Ooh, say my name again, all distrustful like that...
  • Speaking of Kirei and Shirou (and future Shirou):
    Kirei: (to Shirou) I feel like you and I will get along famously in the future.
    Archer: Hey, Kirei! You suck!
    Kirei: What was that?
    Rin: Don't harass the priest, Satan!
    Kirei: Hmm. Makes sense.
  • Kirei tells Gilgamesh that meeting Shirou made him feel jubilation, invigoration, and other words that end in "ation".

Episode 3

  • Kiritsugu comparing life to marbles. It rapidly breaks down and becomes a broken rant about the plot of Fate/Zero.
    Kiritsugu: Just goes to show you, life's a crazy bag of marbles.
    Shirou: Marbles?
    Kiritsugu: One big crazy bag of marbles. Blue marbles. Red marbles. Half transparent marbles with a fun swirl in them. Some marbles are even more interesting. Some marbles you think are going to be limited edition with king designs, but then they're the equally limited but much more surprising female king marble. Some argue that's debatably rarer. I argue that's anxiety inducing. Some like to abduct smaller marbles, then you gotta shoot that marble 'cause it's marble buddy brought a really big black tentacle marble. Marbles sure are random. Especially when you force them into wheelchairs, hold other marbles for ransom, forge a magical pact with a marble that forces you to watch as they grovel in pain on the ground, begging for the sweet release of marble death. But you can't. Because you signed a magical marble pact. And you can only watch as its last marble breath escapes its marble lips.
    Shirou: Dad...did marbles hurt you?
  • The Brick Joke, after Archer gets in one more jab about Shirou's "stupid dream":
    Shirou: [exasperated] Oh my God, did someone hurt you?
    Archer: Marbles hurt me!
  • Saber wants to go to school with Shirou:
    Saber: As your Servant I demand that you respect my authority as a Hero and give me permission to come to school irregardless of whether you want me to or not!...Please?
    Shirou: ...Noooo?
    Saber: ...Damn you. Damn you truly. You win this time.
  • Ayako's only scene, in which she repeatedly reminds Shirou and the audience about how great he is at ARCHERy. In the middle of telling Shirou of how great an ARCHER he is, Ayako deduces that Rin has a grudge against him from an earlier incident where Rin gave her a knife covered in glowing goo and told her to stab him. And when Ayako refused, Rin gave her a second knife and told her to not fail her again.
    Ayako: Obviously, I'm not gonna stab you.
  • What could be funnier: Archer gossiping about who Saber likes best, or pulling a ...But He Sounds Handsome regarding Shirou? Him doing both at the same time, of course. Top it off with him doing that right after Rin has just finished one of her self-aggrandizing rants.
    Archer: Strong hands.
    Rin: What?
    Archer: That's probably what Saber likes. Shirou's got strong hands.
    Rin: ...You're weird. You're weird about Shirou.
  • After consulting with Sakura about what Rin was doing with Ayako earlier, Shirou mutters to himself about how Rin is serious about the Holy Grail War. Thing is, he forgot where he was for a second.
    Sakura: (Rider's Master) The Holy Grail War?
    Shirou: What?
    Sakura: (mentally facepalming) You just said Holy Grail War, right in front of me.
    Shirou: I most certainly did not!
    Sakura: Please don't tell me you instantly forgot I was in front of you...
    Shirou: Sakura! I would never!
    • Sakura mentions that Ayako and Rin were arguing, so Shirou asks if she saw anything else like the argument turning violent. Sakura replies that she didn't see a Cat Fight unfold if that's what Shirou was asking for. Shirou realizes his poor choice of words and tries to clarify the question to Sakura, but she doesn't believe him at all.
  • While fighting Rider, Shirou hears Shinji laughing from a distance, and easily realizes who's commanding her. Rider has her own thoughts on the matter.
    Rider: Are you referring to Shinji Matou? Heir to the withering Matou bloodline? Brother of the beautiful, sagacious Sakura Matou? (grins) Never heard of him.
    Shinji: How DARE you speak of me in this manner!
    Shirou: Yeah, that's definitely Shinji.
  • When Shirou is trying figure out which Servant Rider is, Rider attacks him with her chain nails, causing him to scream, "Spiker, she's Spiker!"

Episode 4

  • Archer trolling Shirou by perpetually finger-snapping. For bonus points, it sounds like marbles.
  • Rin compares herself and Shirou to Hermione and Ron when he proves to be useful in disabling Blood Fort Andromeda. Shirou, knowing the two characters become a couple, asks her how much of Harry Potter she's read, which turns out to be just the first four books. Rin's first instinct about the spoiler she senses is somewhat off:
    Rin: Does one kill the other later?
  • Shirou tries to demonstrate Reinforcement to Saber, but every object he tries it on keeps breaking, causing him to rant. Saber bails when he's about to try it on a lightbulb.
  • Shirou starts really getting irritated when he finds out Caster also wants Saber.
    Shirou: COME ON! Is there anyone in this War who isn't in love with my Servant?!
  • Despite clearly not wanting to save Shirou, Archer still decides to do so, because if Caster was to get Saber instead of Rin, he would never end the end of it. Of course, if Rin was the one to get Saber, he also would never hear the end of it, but lesser of two evils...
  • How did Archer get pass Assassin? By telling him a more competent swordsman than him (Saber) was on his way.
  • Shirou's ignorance in calling his Magecraft "Magic", which in the Nasuverse are two different things. Both Archer and Caster call him out on it.
    Shirou: Tomato, tomahto.
    Archer: More like tomato to-Nuclear Warhead!
  • Assassin introduces himself as Saber... to the real Saber. The wind gets taken out of his sails pretty quickly after that. He can only ask her to tell any Servant who hasn't encountered either of them that he's a Saber, and it turns out only Rider hasn't done so.
    Assassin: So Archer lied to me...
  • Saber and Assassin's attempts to identify each other. He thinks she's Jeanne d'Arc (wouldn't be the first time), and she thinks he's Miyamoto Musashi, or, as Assassin would call him, "Master of the Sharpened Oar, Hero of the Blinding Sun, Progenitor of Being a Hack". His reaction tips Saber off that he's Sasaki Kojiro
    Assassin: ... and by that, I mean that's who I would be if I existed, but I don't!
    Saber: I was just thinking... a man this enjoyable to fight couldn't exist! And I was right. And I am sad.
  • Assassin's story of how and why he developed Tsubame Gaeshi... namely to get rid of birds in his garden without putting their bits everywhere.
    Saber: So, instead of hiring a cleaning lady, you developed a technique that reaches beyond true magic. That's absurd!
    Assassin: Hey, I'm just the wraith, I didn't write this!
  • Saber is once again powerless against Shirou's "No".
    Saber: It's like that word was handcrafted by the Devil itself to torment me...

Episode 5

  • Rin gives out another nickname, this time to Blood Fort Andromeda: Fruit Punch Murder Slurpee.
  • Shirou checks on Sakura during Rider's attack. She uses the last of her energy and what is basically her last moment on the show to sneak in a parting zing at Shirou's inability to catch her hints.
    Shirou: Sakura! Sakura, are you okay?
    Sakura: (weakly) Oh cool. Nice that in my final moments you come to find me. After all, talking when I'm in perfectly good health would've been outrageous, stupid idiot.
    Rin: H-how is she?
    Shirou: I'm gonna keep listening, one second!
    Sakura: (weakly) If you bring home one more broken pipe you don't need I'm gonna crack you up so bad with it. The only broken thing that needs fixing is your inability to commit to a relationship on any level.
    Shirou: Yeah, she's fine. Basically normal, actually.
  • Archer was absent for most of the episode because he was out buying batteries, and complaining to the manager because he only needs two and the smallest pack is a twelve pack.
    Archer: I might have made the CEO of Banasonic my mortal enemy.
  • When it looks like Rider is hitting on Saber, Saber goes, "Not you too!"
  • Rin is left stupefied when Shinji identifies Caster's Master as a teacher, but has no idea what his name is, defending himself by claiming there are too many teachers to memorize. She calls him stupid and points out memorizing names isn't that hard.
  • Shirou and Saber apparently keep a list of "people like [Rin]," aka the people who want Saber (Baeber).
  • Shirou expresses dismay that he never learned Rider's True Name. Archer is similarly disappointed.
  • Shinji actually threatens to sue Kirei for not explaining the rules of the Holy Grail War thoroughly enough for him and making him think he could resummon his Servant.
    • He had initially wanted to rough him up a bit, but Kirei turned out to be "way too buff".
  • Once he learns that the kid intends to antagonize Shirou, Kirei's talk with Shinji goes into a direction that Gilgamesh doesn't like:
    Kirei: Rejoice, young man!
    • Gil's opinion of the Matou family's magecraft reflects what every newcomer to the Nasuverse probably thinks when they learn about it.
      Gilgamesh: Penis bugs. Penis bug magic. He stuck me with a diseased, perverse Master.
  • In the end credits, Sakura complains about the fact she stopped appearing until the very end in the source material after this episode.


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