The Doctor: Don't tell anyone about this, 'cause if you do, you'll get them killed. [slams door] [Beat] The Doctor:[opens the door again] I'm the Doctor, by the way! What's your name? Rose: ...Rose. The Doctor: Nice to meet you, Rose! [holds up bomb]Run for your life!
The Doctor and Jackie's first conversation.
Jackie:[leaning forward suggestively] I'm in my dressing gown. The Doctor: Yes, you are. Jackie: There's a strange man in my bedroom. The Doctor: Yes, there is. Jackie:[in her worst "suggestive" voice possible]Anythingcould happen. [beat] The Doctor:No.[leaves]
The Doctor fooling around in Rose's apartment while she's not looking.
First, he looks at a tabloid magazine.
The Doctor: That won't last: he's gay and she's an alien.
Then, he reads a book in under a second.
The Doctor: Hm. Sad ending.
Then he looks in the mirror and examines his face.
The Doctor: Could've been worse. [flicks earlobes] Just look at the ears!
And lastly, he picks up a deck of cards and starts shuffling it at an incredibly high speed... Until he drops all of them.
The Doctor: Maybe not.
There's just something inherently hilarious about seeing the Doctor flailing around with a plastic arm trying to strangle him.
The Doctor stops the arm... And then immediately leaves. Rose follows him down the stairs, leading to a snark-filled conversation.
Rose: Hold on a minute, you can't just go swannin' off! The Doctor: Yes I can, here I am, this is me, swannin' off, see ya! Rose: But that arm was moving, it tried to kill me! The Doctor:Ten out of ten for observation. Rose: You can't just walk away, that's not fair! You've gotta tell me what's goin' on! The Doctor: No, I don't!
A garbage bin stalks Mickey, a la Metal Gear Solid. Mickey opens the lid to investigate, and is attacked and eaten by it. The randomness of the scene is only made funnier by the CGI, which did not age well at all.
And then it burps. For, apparently, no other reason than Rule of Funny.
The restaurant scene between Rose and Auton!Mickey in all its Uncanny Valley glory.
The fight scene between the Doctor and Auton!Mickey. The Doctor launches a Champagne cork into A!M's forehead, A!M spits the cork out. The Doctor yanks A!M's head off, A!M snarks about it before his body starts aimlessly flailing around chopping tables in half with giant spatula hands of death.
"If you are an alien, how comes you sound like you're from the North?" "Lots of planets have a north!"
The Doctor's gift to Jabe and then to the Adherents: "I give you the gift of air from my lungs."
The Moxx of Balhoon's gift to Rose: "I give you the gift of bodily saliva." Cue Rose being spit upon.
The Doctor head-bobbing to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love".
Later in the episode, when the rich aliens gather to see the end of the world, Lady Cassandra encourages everyone to mourn the death of the Earth with a traditional ballad. Said ballad is the Britney Spears song "Toxic".
And the huge jukebox it's played on is referred to as an "iPod".
The Doctor: Oi! Where do you think you're going? Rose: ...1860. The Doctor: Go out there? Dressed like that? You'll start a riot, Barbarella! There's a wardrobe through there; first left, second right, third on the left, go straight ahead, under the stairs, past the bins, fifth door on the left. Go on!
The Doctor: Blimey! Rose: Don't laugh. The Doctor: You look beautiful. [Rose smiles; the Doctor looks away] Considering. Rose:[smile falls] Considering what? The Doctor: That you're human. Rose: I think that's a compliment. Aren't you going to change? The Doctor: I've changed my jumper. Come on. Rose: You, stay there. You've done this before. This is mine! [steps out the door]
As the Doctor and Rose face possible death from the Gelth.
Even though it's Played for Drama, the fact that the Doctor set the TARDIS for 12 hours and instead landed 12 months later. Looks like his steering is as bad as ever.
Rose's mother Jackie slaps the Doctor in the face when he brings Rose home, thinking he lured her daughter away for immoral purposes. Rose's reaction to this is to steadfastly avert her gaze from both the Doctor and her mum.
Rose is amazed at how in stride the Doctor is taking this.
Rose: She slapped you. The Doctor: Nine hundred years of time and space, and I've never been slapped by someone's mother! Rose:[laughing] ...Your face. The Doctor: It hurt! Rose: You're so gay! [The Doctor rubs his cheek, offended] When you say 900 years? The Doctor: That's my age. Rose: You're nine hundred years old. The Doctor: Yeah. Rose: My mum was right, that is one hell of an age gap.
Rose bemoans what a privilege it is to be the only person on Earth who knows there's life elsewhere beyond the solar system.
Rose: Every conversation with you just goes mental. There's no one else I can talk to. I've seen all that stuff up there, the size of it, and I can't say a word! Aliens and spaceships and things, and...I'm the only person on planet earth who knows they exist. [as if on cue, a spacecraft flies right over their heads, headed for Central London; it flies around the city, then smashes into Big Ben and lands in the Thames by Westminster Bridge; the Doctor and Rose stand up, Rose slack-jawed in wide-eyed disbelief] Rose: Oh, that's just not fair! [The Doctor laughs gleefully, grabs her hand, and pulls her off in the direction of the action]
While watching the newscast, the Doctor at one point is fighting for control of the remote from a kid trying to watch Blue Peter.
When Mickey tries to ream the Doctor out:
Mickey: I bet you don't even remember my name. The Doctor: Ricky. Mickey: It's Mickey. The Doctor: No, it's Ricky. Mickey: I think I know my own name. The Doctor: You think you know your own name? How stupid are you?
The Slitheen, Margaret in particular, when Asquith is trying to ream them out: "I'm shaking my booty!"
The Doctor's most epic gem ever:
The Doctor: Excuse me, would you mind not farting while I'm saving the world? Joseph Green: Would you rather silent but deadly?
Mickey and Jackie narrowly escape a Slitheen sent to kill them. Mickey runs back into the room momentarily to snap a photo on his phone.
Nine tries to convince the British soldiers (who don't know him at all) that the Acting Prime Minister and his cabinet officials in the room (accusing him of killing the UNIT team) are aliens in disguise. Unfortunately, by the time he gets them to the briefing room, Green has helped his fellow Slitheen back into his Asquith skinsuit. Realizing how absurd the story sounds, he realizes that his story isn't going to be believed at all. One soldier agrees with his assessment with a flat "Nope."
The Ninth Doctor to the Special Forces team as Asquith tries to have them execute him:
The Doctor: The thing is, if I was you, if I was gonna execute someone by backing them against a wall, between you and me, little word of advice... [elevator door opens behind him]... don't stand them against the lift!
Then 20 seconds later, the door opens to a roaring Blon-Fel Fotch, grins "Hello!"... then the Doctor calmly pushes the button to close the doors.
The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones barricade themselves in the armor reinforced Cabinet room.
The Doctor: Installed in 1991. Three inches of steel lining every single wall. They'll never get in! Rose:And how do we get out? The Doctor:...Ah.
The Doctor:[to the Slitheen] Who exactly are the Slitheen? Harriet:They're aliens. The Doctor: I got that, thanks. Slitheen: Who are you, if not human? Harriet: Who's not human? Rose: He's not human. Harriet: He's not human!? The Doctor: Excuse me! Could I have a bit of a hush? Harriet: Sorry. The Doctor:[to the Slitheen] So! What's the plan? Harriet: But he's got a Northern accent! Rose:[apologetically]Lots of planets have a North. The Doctor: I said hush!
The fact that Mickey has no idea if he owns vinegar, but Rose (his old girlfriend) knows exactly where and in which cabinet he keeps it.
Upon exiting the TARDIS, the Doctor immediately states that they're in the year 200,000, on a space station, and that they should try that gate. Then Adam gets out, and Rose promptly "works out" the year from the architecture, the location from the sound of the engines, and decides they should try that gate.
From the beginning of the episode:
The Doctor:[describes the current location, or at least what it's supposed to be as he and Rose settle into their usual "Ooooh, look at the fabulous view!" positions] Adam:[faints] The Doctor: He's your boyfriend. Rose: Not anymore.
The best part is that neither of them even bothers to look away from the view to check what's happened.
Rose's immediate, vehement and very thorough shutdown of her father's sentence of "If I was dating you..." Even funnier is that he was trying to make her feel better after it looked like she and her "boyfriend" had a falling-out, and not actually hitting on her at all.
Rose: What's the emergency? The Doctor: It's mauve. Rose: Mauve? The Doctor: Universally recognised colour for danger. Rose: What happened to red? The Doctor: That's just humans. By everyone else's standards, red's camp. Oh, the misunderstandings! All those red alerts, all that dancing...
The Doctor's Stealth Hi to Nancy and the children.
Boy #1:[takes a slice of meat] Thank you, miss. Boy #2:[takes a slice of meat] Thanks, miss. Boy #3:[takes a slice of meat] Thank you, miss. The Doctor:[takes a slice of meat] Thanks, miss! [cue panicking children]
The Doctor attempts to describe Rose, then realizes that his description of a blondewearing a Union Jack is a bit suggestive and clarifies, "I mean a specific one, I didn't just wake up this morning with a craving."
When Jack is rescuing Rose from the balloon:
Before he can pull Rose onboard, Jack asks her to do something:
Jack: Could you turn off your cellphone. [beat] No seriously, it interferes with my instruments. [Rose rolls her eyes and does as he says] Rose: You know no one ever believes that...
The Doctor telling the zombies controlled by an Undead Child "Go to your room!" which they do. As they shuffle away, he sighs with relief and remarks "I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words!"
The Doctor: Barrage balloon? Rose: Yeah, about two minutes after you left me, thousands of feet above London, Union Jack all over my chest. The Doctor: I travel with a lot of people, but you're setting new records for "jeopardy friendly".
The entire Jack-meets-the-Doctor sequence, in particular the bit of dialogue where the Doctor recognises Jack's weapon:
The Doctor: Sonic blaster, 51st century... Weapon factories of Villengard? Jack: Yeah. You've been to the factories? The Doctor: Once. Jack: They're gone now. Destroyed. Main reactor went critical. Vaporised the lot. The Doctor:Like I said, once. There's a banana grove there now. I like bananas. Bananas are good.
When the gun runs out of power at a critical moment, Jack says pointedly, "I was going to replace the battery, but somebody blew up the factory."
Jack's prepared to start shooting the mutants who are trying to kill him... and then notices that the Doctor switched out his gun for a banana.
The Doctor: Don't drop the banana! Jack: Why not!? The Doctor: Good source of potassium!
The Doctor and Jack comparing their, ah-hem, tools.
Jack: Doc, what've ya got? The Doctor: I've got a sonic, uh... oh, never mind. Jack: What? The Doctor: It's sonic, okay? Let's leave it at that. Jack: Disrupter, cannon, what? The Doctor: It's sonic! Totally sonic! I am sonic-ed up! Jack: A sonic what?! The Doctor:SCREWDRIVER!!!! [...] Jack: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Ooh, this could be a little more sonic"? The Doctor: What, you've never been bored? Never had a long night, never had a lot of cabinets to put up?
The fact that the Doctor explained his in one sentence: he gets bored and sticks his nose into things and/or makes things.
Followed up a moment later by the Doctor trying to figure out what they have that can get them out of their current predicament:
The Doctor: Assets! Jack: Well, I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves... [after a bit more of a faff] Jack: Well, the "assets" conversation went in a flash, didn't it?
"Rose, I'm trying to resonate concrete."
And another one:
Mrs. Harcourt: Doctor Constantine. Dr. Constantine: Mrs. Harcourt! How much better you're looking! Mrs. Harcourt: My leg's grown back. When I came to the hospital, I had one leg. Dr. Constantine: Well there is a war on, is it... possible you miscounted?
Buried under the epic awesome and heartwarming that is the Everybody Lives moment, is this little gem:
And of course there's the very end when Jack thinks he's going to die, so he fixes himself a drink.
Jack: Last time I was sentenced to death I ordered four hyper-vodkas for my breakfast. All a bit of a blur after that. Woke up in bed with both my executioners. Lovely couple. They stayed in touch! Can't say that about most executioners.
When the new evil alien mayor of Cardiff finds out that the Doctor's here to see her. The Doctor arrives, tells the secretary to tell her that he's here; said secretary goes to tell her, she can be heard dropping a tea cup. Said secretary comes back out and tells the Doctor that he'll need to make an appointment.
Also of note in this bit is this: while the secretary goes out, the camera remains on the Doctor. We hear the tea-cup shatter, his expression doesn't really change but his eyebrows jump up and down. It has to be seen, really.
The chase scene that ensues. Among other highlights:
Mickey, who's obviously new to the "heroics" thing, crashing into a janitor while on his way to head off the mayor, and running down the hall with his foot stuck in a bucket of used paper towels.
Then the mayor uses a teleporter to get away . . . but with a tweak of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, she reappears running towards the Doctor and company. Three times in a row.
The conversation between Blaine and the Doctor afterwards.
Margaret Blaine: "This is Cardiff! London doesn't care! South Wales could fall into the ocean and they wouldn't notice. Oh, I sound like a Welshman... God help me, I've gone native!"
The dinner scene between the Doctor and the Slitheen Margaret is three CMOFs in rapid succession. First she attempts to poison his drink. The Doctor casually pulls a Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo, smiling at her as he does. She then reveals her species is capable of firing poison darts from their fingertips. The Doctor simply catches the dart and responds "I knew that." Bringing the Doctor in close, she tells him that excess poison can be exhaled from the lungs. The Doctor immediately dissipates the green mist from her mouth with a spray from his breath freshener.
While Jack seems to just roll with it (presumably not knowing much about 2005-era pop culture), the Doctor and Rose are appropriately stunned to find themselves waking up on Big Brother and The Weakest Link.
Rose: Oh my God, the android. The Anne...droid. Anne-Droid: Let's play... The Weakest Link! [the music sting plays as Rose stares in utter disbelief]
Jack: Am I naked in front of millions of viewers? Makeover Droids: Absolutely! Jack: Ladies, your viewing figures just went up.
Makeover Droids: Where were you keeping that [gun]? Jack:[still naked] Ladies, you reallydon't want to know.
It's easy to miss, but there's the end of this exchange.
Rose claims that if she opens the TARDIS console, she can tell it what to do. Uh, no, Rose the TARDIS does what she wants, believe us on that matter! In this case, your wishes just happen to align with hers.
You'd imagine that, before pulling all of time and space out of someone's head, you'd say something epic or profound. But this is Nine we're talking about, so of course he makes a really, really shitty pun.
The Doctor: Come here. I think you need a Doctor.
Nine? No, no this is the Doctor in general. He's still making shitty puns when Twelve rolls around!
Before his regeneration, the Ninth Doctor's brief comment about the planet Barcelona:
Ninth Doctor: They have dogs with no noses. Imagine how many times you end up telling that joke all day and it's still funny?!
As well as trying to make light of getting a new body.
Rose: You're not making sense. Ninth Doctor: I might never make sense again! I might have two heads... Or no head! Imagine that, me with no head! And don't say that's an improvement...