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As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned.

From A Very Potter Musical:

  • Goyle, full stop.
  • The entire introduction of Cho Chang:
    Ginny: Konnichiwa, Cho Chang. It is GOOD to MEET you. I am GIN-ny Weas-LEY.
    Lavender: BITCH, I AIN'T CHO CHANG!
    Ron: That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER! *Dope Slap*
    • The fact that she says Konnichiwa, which is Japanese, to someone who (she thinks) is named Cho Chang, which is Chinese, makes it even funnier.
      • To be fair, the song Cho, Lavender, and Pansy sing when they enter is in Japanese when it isn't Engrishy gibberish.
      • And to be fair, "Chou" is the Japanese word for "butterfly." as in "social butterfly", which Cho certainly is, and can also mean "one billion/trillion" which can refer either to her good looks (when combined with the meaning of her surname, "beautiful"), or her popularity.
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    • And then the real Cho Chang comes out…
  • "I HATE that guy" "Did soooomeone say Draco Maaaalfoy?" (Extra funny because, no, they didn't talk about Draco).
  • "The Sorting Hat and The Scarf Of Sexual Preference won't be back until next year, so basically I've just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy in Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy in Slytherin, and the rest can just go wherever the hell they want."
  • "Draco, you little shit!"
  • Cedric going "Find!" when anyone says Hufflepuff.
  • "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"
  • When Quirrell walks by, Malfoy says "Go home, terrorist!".
    • Then when everyone looks at him, he quickly pretends to be looking around him trying to figure out who said it. The expressions Lauren Lopez makes are hilarious.
  • Snape's lecture on Portkeys:
    Snape: A Portkey can be a harmless thing like a football or a dolphin.
    Hufflepuff Girl: Professor, can, like, a person be a Portkey?
    Snape: No, because if the person were to touch themselves… [Looks at Ron]
    • Also, his reaction to the look.
  • This discussion after Snape talks about Portkeys:
    Snape: "A person can, however, be a horcrux."
    Harry: "What's, uh, what's a horcrux?"
    Snape: "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough."
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  • "Well, I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place. And so do your CLOTHES! Namely, a DRESSER!"
  • Any time Draco gets a monologue. Especially the "Pigfarts" bit, in which he's talking about going to school on Mars and somehow turns it around and makes it about how dumb Harry is for thinking he could go there. Complete with ridiculously overblown sarcasm. And writhing on the floor.
    "I can't go to Pigfarts, it's on Mars! You need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when their parents died. Oh, look at this! Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!"
  • One of the cut lines from the AVPM edit:
    Hermione: Someone's coming!
    Ron: It's not me, I swear!
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  • Voldemort to Quirrell:
    Enough with the Dark King already, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort… we're there! We've reached that point!
  • "I'll be in the drawwwring room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces."
  • Snape: "Harry… I've always wanted to bone your mom."
  • Harry: "A goat? Oh my God, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally."
    • And immediately after:
    Harry: *hiding under the Invisibility Cloak* "Did he just say 'dragons'?"
    Snape: *to Dumbledore* "Did you just say 'did he just say dragons'?"
    Dumbledore: "I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to have shut up, Potter."
  • "Maybe you'll just have to fight Mushu from Mulan, or like Puff The Magic Dragon or something."
  • All of Malfoy's denials about his real feelings towards Hermione, but this one in particular:
    Draco: "You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the ugliest and 10 being pretty? I'd give her… an 8. 8.5. More like a 9. Not, not higher than a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10… because I'm worth it."
  • Harry trying to trade dragons with Draco.
    Harry: C'mon, I'll give you my gushers!
    Draco: No. I've got a fruit by the foot, so I don't want your gushers.
    Harry: Look, I'll even throw in my Teddy Grahams so you can make little gusher-teddy-graham sandwiches.
    • Then Draco offers to trade if he'll throw in some Bugles. Harry decides it just isn't worth it.
  • Dumbledore: "For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. Figment the Imaginary Dragon. The Reluctant Dragon. And for you Potter… THE HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL, THE MOST TERRIFYING THING YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!"
    Harry: Wait a minute, wait a minute, this thing is terrifying, those other dragons are the most cutest things you've ever seen!"
    Dumbledore: (shows the Figment cutout) This thing is HORRIFYING! (smiles) Just use your imagination.
    • Ron: "Man, this competition's gonna suck. All these dragons are lame. Accio Double Stuff. *sees Harry's dragon* Oh my God, monster!! Is this yours?! Oh my God, that is so awesome, let me hold it! This thing is terrifying. I hope real thing is smaller. Rawr!"
  • "…so anyway, it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of its cave with an upside down cake, then I lassoed it with my Fruit by the Foot and beheaded it with a quick Slicing Charm. Bloody fool!"
  • Harry talking to Ginny after he sings her the "Ginny Song":
    Harry: "So, what do you think? Do you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?
    Ginny: "I think it already has."
    Harry: "Good! 'Cause it's for Cho Chang!"
    Ginny: *sounding sad* "Oh, yeah. She sure is beautiful."
    Harry: "Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot. She is far more appealing, far more interesting, and far more attractive than anyone I know—in my immediate group of friends."
  • After Harry tells Ron why he should tell Hermione he likes her:
    Ron: "Where are you going? I'm still mad and sad."
    Harry: "Hold on, HP's gonna take his own advice, pal."
  • Ron's gigantic Hershey's bar and his complaints about Hermione after the Ball:
    Ron: Every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest and I know it's her fault—that bitch.
  • In the graveyard:
    Harry: "Cedric! You are so annoying! OK? You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy all the time. This spare dude. You're such a spare!"
    Voldemort: "Kill the spare!"
  • Everything concerning Pigfarts.
    • Draco attempting to burst into song about it and promptly being stopped by Voldemort.
    Draco: Pigfarts, Pigfarts here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts yum yum yum-
  • Voldemort taunting Draco: "And how do you suppose to get my Death Eaters into your daycare centre!? And don't suggest a giant slide, or a trampoline… because we already tried those."
    • That's the SECOND time this has happen to me!
    • Please let the world remember that Lauren Lopez decided to improvise that in the moment and everyone else played along.
  • Ron: "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"
  • Voldemort to Bellatrix—"You want to try something new? Get on the table… now sit up…" *Sits back-to-back with her like with Quirrell.*
    • Voldemort: "Now two people are mad at me!"
  • Three words: "Voldemort out, bitches."
  • After Draco finds that he cannot kill Dumbledore, Snape shouting "Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!"
  • Just before Snape betrays the Death Eaters:
    Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEE—(normal voice) —Whoa, deja vu, I'm sorry. (switches back)—EEERE!
    • And directly after:
    Snape: Oh, a traitor, am I, Potter? You're exactly right. I am a traitor. Because I'm about to betray someone. Right… now. (slashes Death Eater with hook)
  • This exchange:
    Harry: "Yeah, and furthermore, do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?"
    Draco: "Oh, well, I guess if you're giving me the option, I'll kick my own ass, thanks."
  • This exchange about Horcruxes:
    Hermione: "Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion."
    Harry: "Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not gonna do that."
  • Snape when he gets bitten:
    My weeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr!
  • Snape explaining how to destroy the last horcrux:
    Snape: Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch, very, carefully…
    Snape: (Drops Dead)
    Draco: He didn't even do anything.
    Harry: That's because he's dead you dumb mother--
  • Right before Harry's Heroic Sacrifice:
    Harry: You guys are my best friends, and I love you all. Except you, Draco, I can't fucking stand you.

From A Very Potter Sequel:

  • In the first scene, Lucius lampshades the confusion many likely felt when they heard about the sequel, given how the first show ended. "There is literally no way to move forward from this point!"
  • "Platform 9 & 3/4? There's no such thing. You're the 700th kid to ask me that, and I still refuse to believe it exists!"
  • Seamus right before Harry Freakin' Potter:
    "Bloody 'Ell, it's 'Arry Po'eeerrr!!!"
    • All of Seamus' uses of "bloody ___!" especially the last one in Act 2:
      "BLOODY FUCK, it's Sirius Black!!!"
  • Any time Lucius enters/exits a room.
    • Lucius period. The increasingly-ridiculous dancing (especially the trust fall) is the best.
    • The bit where he makes the Death Eaters dance when Potter wakes up:
    "Yes, it's gonna feel goofy but it's gonna look so fucking good."
    • Harry's legitimately impressed reaction to that dance is golden too.
  • Molly Weasley in the beginning, especially "ya got an F on your shirt, dumbass!".
  • Basically anything to do with Red Vines, specifically the Stepbrothers-type scene involving them in Act 1 part 2.
    Ron: Favorite way to say "red wines" in a German accent?
    Ron and Harry: "Red Vines!" OH MY GOD!
    Ron: [hugging Harry passionately] Where have you been all my life?!
  • Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
    Harry: What flavor did you get?
    Ron: …defeat.
  • Draco's introduction in the sequel.
    Draco: My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, I despise gingers and mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor house, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend?
  • Goyle's introduction: "WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?"
    • "It's Clobberin Time!"
  • Any time Draco draws.
    Draco: Hey, Potter. Potter. Potter. I drew a picture of you. You see what's happening to you in it. It's you getting hit in the head with a quaffle. Don't you feel foolish? Look, that's me, that one, that's me. And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's probably—it's probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back?—Wait, no. I'm taking it! What do you think about that, Potter? Stolen your favorite drawing, right? Look, what do you think of this (rips drawing) *gasp* No! Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done, Potter. You wait 'til my father hears about this! He'll say 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human?' And then, he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the mess I've left in it and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.
  • Umbridge laying down some new rules: "Rule number one: No Boys! …unless they're cute! Rule number two: No alcohol… unless there's plenty to go round! And rule number three: no parties… UNLESS UMBRIDGE IS INVITED!!"
  • The entire speech Umbridge gives to the girls:
    Umbridge: "And, from that moment forward, I picked up everything I could find and hoisted it up over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Because, I’ll tell you, girls, it’s a man’s world out there and to get ahead, you gotta be stronger than a man. You gotta be a 'WO-MAN. I AM WOMAN… HEAR ME SMASH!"
    • And Umbridge's laugh: "A DUR DUR DUR DUR DUR"
  • It's unnoticed, but after Harry's first day he says, "The best class was definitely satanic rituals."
  • Ron about Hermione: "OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL!"
  • Harry enters his compartment on the Hogwarts Express by simply miming opening a door handle. Ron, on the other hand, mimes a complex sequence of high-tech security measures, including a retinal scan, in a hilarious Overly Long Gag.
    • And when he finally gets the door open, the sting from Seinfeld once again plays!
    • When Hermione comes in later, she doesn't even bother with the door.
  • "Didja hear the one about Sirius Black an' Flitwick's li-ul bruvvah?"
  • "WHO DISRESPECTING DA UMBRIDGE?!?" In fact, any scene with Umbridge probably has a couple of these.
    • "I am woman, hear me SMASH!" *stamps feet repeatedly*
    • "Now you're a rule-breaker, Potter. And it's time for your punishment." "Punishment?" "Oh, it's nothing TOO bad. You've just gotta—takes out a huge knife—take this knife, put it upright on a chair, and SIT ON IT, POTZI!"
      • Even funnier is later when this little interaction takes place:
    Umbridge: Now, Potter, where was I?
    Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife…
    • Her checking the flowers for explosives after holding Neville at swordpoint, immediately followed by him running in terror after she tries to give him a thank-you hug.
  • Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how to draw book!
  • After getting her flowers from "Big D", this exchange from Umbridge:
    Umbridge: But your Mama's not a bad mama. In fact, she's pretty cool. Right?
    Umbridge: Right!
  • Lupin: "Stay out of the Shrieking Shack. I'm a werewolf in there."
  • When Ron and Harry head into the Shrieking Shack, they attempt to remember what Hermione's name is when calling out to her. Hilarity ensues.
  • Firenze. The outfit, the silly voice, the fact that he's Goyle, "My chest…!"
    • And his hilariously pretentious dialogue! A great spoof on the "noble centaur" archetype, and pretty much any "noble and wise" fantasy creature ever written.
      It's Firenze, our centaur friend!
  • This exchange:
    Snape: So Lupin, what do you like to do in the full moonlight?
    Lupin: Why that's easy, Snape. KILL! (The kids gasp) I mean, kill animals! (The kids gasp some more) I mean, dance with animals! (They sigh in relief)
    • Especially funny since only Lavender (who always cries) cries on the word "kill", but when he changes it to "kill animals", a bunch of the kids cry. Including Draco.
    • Also:
    Snape: Hey Lupin, want to come look at the full moon with me? HAHA zombie! *runs off*
  • Lupin teaching the kids how to produce a Patronus:
    Lupin: The only thing you need to make a Patronus… is a wonderful thought…
  • When being taught the Patronus, this conversation:
    Remus: What's your happy thought, Ron? Maybe a certain frumpy haired witch?
    Ron: (who had been massaging Hermione's back, jumps back in horror and puts his arm around Harry) No, I was thinking about Harry.
    Harry: Oh cool, what a coincidence, I was thinking about myself too.
  • Umbridge: "So, you're smarter than the person who wrote this book? You're smarter than (checks book) …Merlin?"
  • Just about any scene with Snape and Lupin. After Umbridge fires Lupin is a particularly good example.
    Lupin: "Guess you're happy about this."
    Snape: "Look at my face, Remus; do I look happy?" *grins and begins singing and dancing* Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired!"
    • How is Snape's signature line not in here?
      Snape: That's absurd!
      Lupin: You're absurd!
      Snape: [flabbergasted] That's absurd!
      • And from Snape to Lupin:
    We can't expel each other! [Hopefully] Can we?
  • Both Sirius and Lupin after jumping around like complete nutters making farting noises:
    "Who looks stupid now? You do!"
  • "Did you get my text? Well, you didn't text me back."
  • Lupin's victory dance after Gryffindor win the Quidditch match, in which he shamelessly marches up and down the stage, covered in blood and dressed in nothing but his underwear, smacking his own ass.
    • Even better is Neville and Rita Skeeter finding him in his underwear, just having attacked a doe. Lupin's reaction:
      "Oh shit, who'd I kill?"
    • Brian Holden is freaking fearless. Half of what he does as Lupin would be completely unfunny in the hands of another actor, but Holden just goes for it, "butt trumpet", "*cough Lupin shouldn't pay for that cough*", and all.
  • Lucius destroying the drawing Draco made for him and telling him, "You're not my son" was surprisingly depressing. Lucius then doing a trust fall and his Death Eaters dancing him out of the room? Fucking hysterical.
  • From towards the middle of the play, in Act 1 Part 13:
    Dumbledore: Severus! What's the goofiest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it!
    Snape: I doubt it. My actions led directly to the death of the only thing I've ever loved…
    Audience: Awww…
  • The entire scene with Mama Umbridge.
    "Do you love them enough… to ''kill'' them?"
  • After Dumbledore (with Scarfy) disapparates:
    Umbridge: Where'd he go?!
    Snape: He disapparated!
    Umbridge: What?! That's bullshit Snape, you can't disapparate inside Hogwarts! Right?
    Dumbledore: [offstage] Right!
    Umbridge: Right! DAMMIT! [high kicks Hermione in face]
    • A outtake reveals that Joes kicked so hard in one show the shoe flew off his foot. Everyone but Darren noticed this.
  • Snape's reaction to Umbridge changing the portrait in Dumbledore's office:
    Snape: Why did you call me out of bed at this hour—(sees the poster) Where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?!
    Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.
    Snape: (points at her in abject horror) What do you want, you horrid bitch?!
    • Later on, when the poster of Zac Efron is rightly restored, we get the tiny cameo of Voldemort popping in.
  • After Harry finds Sirius:
    Sirius: "What I actually said was I want to hug... and kiss him. *hugs and kisses Harry*"
    Harry: "I believe him guys. He saw my parents in the mirror, and well, you can't fake that!"
  • The speech before No Way:
    Ron: When you use the Patronus, you have to have a happy thought, okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad. There is absolutely no way we can win.
    Harry: No way? You listen to me to me now, for 11 years I was a little douche bag locked up under some stairs. But this year? I've found I'm a wizard, and I'm famous, and I can fly, and turn invisible, and I just traveled the fuck back in time! So fuck you Draco, how's that for a happy thought? (Cue Song)
  • Harry trying to cheer Hermione up by explaining how much of a douchebag he is in the Muggle world ("I'm Jesse McCartney's Douchebag!")… and basically describing the actor playing him, Darren Criss. Also, any time they get Hermione's name wrong, and the one time he gets it right:
    Hermione: That's it, you said my name right!
    Harry: [Excitedly] Really? Her—man—munster?
    Hermione: …close enough.
  • Ron's Poop-Nose maneuver on Draco. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
  • After Umbridge takes over as DADA teacher:
    Umbridge (to Hermione): I don't like you, Granger! And I don't like the way you don't like yourself! In fact, you remind of me of me at your age.
    Hermione: Ohh, God!
  • Snape replacing "Mama's Love Hand" with a quill.
  • Ron's speech of encouragement to Hermione... using Spider-Man.
    • The exchange afterward.
    Hermione: He's like my second favorite superhero!
    Ron: (pissed) Second?
  • Any time Lavender Brown cries when she's scared straddles the line between this and Woobie-dom.
  • "I'm in a rage! This is the maddest I've ever been!"
  • Draco's monologue about going to the potty will have you in tears laughing even if you don't like bathroom humor.
  • "Just once… just one time… I wanted to take your mum's… boobies… and put them on my face, and go BLBLBLBLBLBLBL!"
    • A little extra funny (or perhaps just weird) when you consider the actress who plays Lily is pretty flat-chested.
      • For bonus points, when Snape interviews Arielle Goldman (the actress who plays Lily and a few other characters), he hits on her pretty shamelessly.
    • Gets even funnier when Snape rescues Harry later.
      "Besides, you have your mom's eyes. And…" *looks at Harry's chest before walking off*
    • Snape so drunk he can barely speak.
  • When the Trio and Draco have captured Lucius, and he's explaining that he isn't Draco's father:
    Lucius: Narcissa choreographed an affair with someone behind my back. Someone I trusted. Someone I may have even loved.
    Harry: Ollivander?
    Hermione: Filch?
    Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius's brother?
    Yaxley: ME?
    • Also, this, after Lucius explains that Draco is not his son, but Dobby's:
      Lucius: Why else would you have such a little D?
      Draco: It's so small…
      Lucius: It's because you're a fucking elf!
  • When Umbridge gets confused when Harry and friends appear behind her after she sees their past selves leave in front of her:
    Umbridge: Potter!?! But—but—but I—but you just went—but I saw you go—but—DUUUUUURRRRRR!!!
  • Firenze/Umbridge.
    Firenze: Finally, I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs!
    Kids: YAY!
    Umbridge: WUT?!?
  • Snape: Alright, that's enough! As much as I'd like to see some of these bastards beaten *points at Harry* it's against the rules. Now come on kids. I've got a fun lesson planned. To the dungeons.
    Everyone but Umbridge: Yaaay!
  • Sirius's response to Harry asking to live with him.
    Sirius: Harry, I'm homeless… Can I live with you?
  • Sorty's proposal to Scarfy.

From A Very Potter Senior Year:

  • "Get rid of the buttons Malfoy, or I'll kick you off my street team. Then we'll see who checks out your Tumblr."
  • Dumbledore's Paper-Thin Disguise. "I'm just your everyday working class blue collar… gay guy with a beard."
  • Lockhart's Motive Rant for wanting to bring Harry Potter's stories to the Muggle world and Take That! at the commercialization of the Harry Potter franchise.
    Ron: But Mr. Lockhart, if you sell Harry's story to Muggles you'll expose wizards! That's like taking our whole world and… and…
    Lockhart: Fucking it in the face?
    Ron: Yeah.
    Lockhart: That's the idea. I'm going to make these books HUGE; then real fun begins! Do you have any idea how much I'm going to make on merchandise? The Severus Snape beach towel! The Hermione Granger toothbrush! How about a "real" wand, you little Muggle bastards!? Well, guess what kiddies: they're just resin! They don't shoot spells! And boy howdy, do they break like fucking twigs! T-shirts, bed sheets, video games, action figures. And in time, a theme park in sunny Orlando, Florida, 85 bucks a head! How about a real butterbeer! 9 bucks, please! It's just cream soda, you FUCKING. IDIOTS! I'm going to squeeze the Harry Potter franchise for every last, red cent. And once I have all that money, I'm going to shrink myself to the size of a fucking mouse!
    • Another line from Lockhart in the buildup to his monologue. "You can find Harry in your neighborhood bookstore this fall, motherfucker."
  • The whole scene with Lily and Cedric, but especially: "Looks like I'm your Heavenly Father now, eh, Potter?"
    • Harry's reaction is perfect: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
      • Snape's triumphant return, culminating in him reminding Harry of the circumstances behind his Heroic Sacrifice:
      Snape: Harry, did I do that so people would like me? No, I hate people!
  • Harry named his son after two bravest men he knew: Albus Scarfy Potter.
  • Harry's over-the-top slapstick routine at Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party.
  • 'Sssssnake, I'm a snake. Where'd my arms go? Just kidding I'm a ssssnake."
    • "Oh sssshit! I think that kid hears me! I better get back to the Chamber of Secrets!"
  • Darren trying to tie that tie, the look on his face when he notices what a mess he's made of it, and finally when he says "Fuck the tie" during the song!
    • If you watch carefully, you can see the exact moment Darren fluffs up the entire thing: He buttons the tie into his shirt and has to wait until he's offstage to fix it. You'd think that wearing a tie all the time in Glee would make him a natural… apparently not.
  • Luna nonchalantly lighting up a cigarette in the girls' bathroom while talking to Ginny. As well as her line accompanying it:
    Luna: Oh, you're washing blood off your hands too?
  • Lockhart's horrified reaction to Hermione's fanfic. "This makes Fifty Shades of Grey look like a fucking book for kids!"
  • Darren Criss corpsing while being bounced by Hagrid.
  • The scene where Hermione tries to seduce Lockhart is made of these. From the double entendres, to Lockhart's descriptions of how he had to alter Hermione's essays to appeal to a general audience to his monologue about his dream of ruling over mice, the scene is full of comedic gold.
  • "My body needs you!"
  • Voldemort tries to make his big entrance in the Chamber of Secrets, having forgotten (likely along with most of the audience) that none of the heroes have touched the diary so all they see is a floating book.
    • Additionally, Joe forgets to wave the diary about and swears when he is reminded of it. Typical of Starkid, they play Shave and a Haircut.
    • Made even funnier when you realize that the whole rule about having to touch the diary to see/hear Voldemort was something Joe Walker improvised to justify why Hermione couldn't see or hear him (In the script this isn't mentioned at all and he just hides under a desk when she comes in, but since this was a staged reading, there was no desk and thus, no real place for him to hide). And rather than treat it as a throwaway improv, Darren chose to bring it up again, turning a dramatic confrontation into comedy gold.
    • It's a journal!
  • Voldemort's death sequence. The narrator goes into dramatic detail about light shooting out of his body and his face melting to reveal a skull on fire, etc, but all Joe can do is flail about and make crazy faces as it keeps getting insane.
    Narrator: Joe Walker dies.
  • Lupin swears and Harry immediately covers his ears. Lupin then corrects himself.
  • As Madame Pomfrey takes Moaning Myrtle's body to be fed to the house elves, Chris Allen is having to be dragged/rolled off stage in the most hilarious way possible.
    • And his wig falls off, so he has to claw his way back on and grab it while still trying to look dead.
    • This was right after Dumbledore had attempted (and supposedly failed) to use the Resurrection Stone on Moaning Myrtle's body, suggesting that maybe the Resurrection Stone didn't actually fail… and that Moaning Myrtle was alive when she was fed to the house-elves.
    • Whenever Chris Allen is Moaning Myrtle on stage, period.
  • "Bloody hell. That snake is almost as big as this snake!"
  • This exchange:
    Ron: How'd the sword get up in you, Sorty?
    Scarfy: I might have had something to do with that.
  • "Professor Flitwick told me your translations of Beedle the Bard's Boring Stories had him on the edge of his seat... which is saying something since if that small man were to fall from his chair he could die."
  • Talking about the head boy election:
    Malfoy: Of course, my vote will be going to Harry Potter, whom I believe the best man for the job.
    Harry: Thank you, Malfoy, I'll be voting for myself as well.
  • How McGonagall describes herself: "I consider myself to be a very reasonable uptight bitch…"
  • "I can't believe that the Chamber of Secrets was in the girls' bathroom all along. I guess the rumors are true. Salazar Slytherin built this place so he could watch little girls pee."
  • "It's Felix Felicis, the most powerful good luck potion in the world. I got it from professor Slughorn before he got busted for 'collecting' young boys."
  • Goyle drew "an old, majestic owl". He refuses to add a speech bubble saying 'Vote for Malfoy, he's a hoot', because he doesn't think the owl would say that.
  • During Voldemort's flashback in the orphanage, when Dumbledore is comforting Tom Riddle about his mother's death:
    "You know who accidentally killed his sister while he was having a fight with his boyfriend? This guy."

From A Very Potter Christmas

  • The entire central concept of the script is hilarious: it's hardly a Christmas Special at all, the Potter Christmas party only a Framing Device for Harry to tell the (probably made-up) story of how his mom and dad fought each other in an official court case to decide what houses to sort the Ghostbusters into.
  • The script opens with an extensive description of the future of the Wizarding World despite the fact that most of it does not take place in that setting. Essentially, all of the iconic establishments from the books have been bought out by brand counterparts; smartphones have replaced wands and have apps like "Litter"note , "Shitter"note , "Bitter"note , and a F2P "Maruader's App"; Hogwarts finally has added real world subjects like math to the curriculum, and, after many reboots of the franchise, the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films remain the most loved.
  • Harry explains the appeal of Ghostbusters back in the 1980s:
    Harry: It's all anyone talked about! Kind of like how when I was in school we all sarcastically liked High School Musical!
  • During the Marauders flashbacks, good quotation of 80s pop-culture, particularly Ghostbusters, is extremely Serious Business. Lily gets praised for a Zoltar reference, and even Snape is given immense respect for an obscure Ghostbusters II quote. It's such Serious Business that James almost loses the trial for opening with nothing but obvious Ghostbusters references.
  • Dumbledore explains away a potential Plot Hole from the books regarding how Dumbledore defeated an Elder Wand-equipped Grindelwald in a way that very much fits his Very Potter characterization: he seduced him, stole his wand, and killed him in his sleep.
  • The Sorting Hat throws a Take That! at basic real-world Sorting quizzes where the answers to all the questions obviously point toward certain houses, making every test just an excuse for the person to Sort themselves wherever they wanted to be in the first place.
    • He also sums up his job thusly:
      Sorty: The top of a kid's head is shoved up my ass and then I read their mind. I learn all their darkest secrets and place them in a house depending on whether they're brave, clever, good at finding, or an ambitious dickhead.
  • When James makes his argument for why Sorting shouldn't be done just based on external characterization, he points out that Snape, for all his genius, should be in Ravenclaw, yet is in Slytherin because "when the chips are down, this guy will lie to you, betray you, and call you racial slurs".
  • James' only argument for why "textbook Hufflepuff" Ray Stanz would be a Gryffindor: "Who, if not a BRAVE man, looks at a GHOST and says... "Suck my c**k.""
  • In a world in which Ghostbusters is held up as holy writ, no one except James knows or cares about the name of Sigourney Weaver's character.
  • At the end of the play, Draco finally gets his rocketship from Voldemort, because the technology became available, but returns it due to not recognizing his own misspelled name.


  • A performance of the play was put on in Bethel, Maine. Its production values are slightly lower than the original and it's mostly faithful to the script, but it has a few stand-out moments of its own, most of them taking advantage of its cast. For instance, its Harry eventually acknowledges that he plays, not a guitar, but a baritone ukulele. Also Molly Weasley is played as a Sassy Black Woman instead of a Jewish Mother, with Ron providing only "long story" as an explanation for why his mother is black.
  • Tom Felton's reaction to the casting is pretty hilarious.
    Fan: (Regarding Lauren): She rolls around on the floor a lot.
    Felton: Rolls around on the floor a lot…?
    Felton: SHE!?!
  • Meta example: This audience reaction in AVPS:
    Ron: Redvine?
    Harry: For the first time in my life… I don't want one.
    *Audience gasps in horror*
  • Joe… Professor Snape's interview with Joe Walker. You can tell Walker is trying so hard to not punch Snape.
    • Speaking of which:
    Snape: If you had a favorite animal, would you pick a duck or a chicken?
    Joe: A duck—
    Snape: *loud duck/buzzing noise*

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