Girls Have Cooties. Thus there is nothing they can actually do to advance the plot aside from pining for the protagonist from afar, serving as decorations or healing. Girls who take action are evil bitches and must be dealt with.
Also don't skimp on the explosions and the phallic symbols such as BFS and BFG. It's not like kids can catch up to the implications of sex.
Despite your speech about hard work, your determination to be more powerful and the friends who believed in you to be more stronger, Hard Work Hardly Works... Because you have all the powers to be stronger with nothing.
Being a protagonist means your parents are either dead and/or will happily abandon you.
Josei: We don't need this. Adult women have nothing to talk about but their periods, their kids, their family and all kinds of uninteresting, unimportant shit.
If they're unmarried, maybe they can work and all but they're mainly shallow bitches who are just waiting for Mr Right, much like Bridget Jones. And remember the golden rule: she's Never a Self-Made Woman.
If you are caught in any kind of seemingly indecent situation, you will be punished for it. Regardless on whether or not it was actually your fault.
Trips to the the bathroom will usually end with girls seeing you as a pervert.
The best relationships to hold are many and shallow - after all, if you can have eight sort-of-girlfriends who constantly provide you with sexy encounters, that's surely better than one actual girlfriend, right? After all, that "accountability" and "serious relationship" nonsense is just for squares who can't work the ladies just like you can!
Every To Be a Master series ever: Don't set your own goals, let society set them for you before you're even old enough to question it!
That creepy paedophilic high school teacher who's always coming on to his female students? There's nothing wrong with him at all, he's just good for a laugh! So don't report him to the authorities or anything, because there's no way anything bad could possibly come of allowing this man to continue to teach underage girls.
Baka To Test To Shoukanjuu: Even if a girl orders you around all the time and almost kills you daily if you even look at another girl, it's totally okay if she's hot or shy occasionally, and your friends will enable her and try to trap you in a marriage with her.
Basilisk : if you happen to be born as a ninja, your whole life is already totally fucked. Have a nice death.
Once you become aware of the bigger picture that everyone you've ever known and loved was senselessly sacrificed for, the only option you have is to senselessly sacrifice yourself as well.
Berserk: Did thousands of innocent civilians just die because you killed the person protecting them from a horde of demons immune to normal weapons? It's not your fault, they were just too weak-willed to survive anyways!
Nice Guyssuck. If you want to get out alive you have to be just as nasty as the people around you.
Black★Rock Shooter: The best way to solve the emotional problems of others is to have your darker persona murder them.
Bleach: You know that sweet-natured girl who recently developed special powers the Big Bad is sure to take an interest in for purposes of reactivating the long-dormant Artifact of Doom? Well, whatever you do, don't sit her down and explain the situation to her, don't take any kind of measures to ensure her safety, and most certainly don't even bother to keep track of her whereabouts or status. We're sure it'll all work out just fine in the end...
Yeah, when that girl's disappears she is immediately assumed to have joined the enemy.
It's okay to stand their and do nothing while your comrades are unintentionally ganging up on a fellow ally.
It's perfectly normal to wake up and see major portions of your city destroyed by a car accident. DO NOT QUESTION IT!
Getting stabbed in the chest makes you stronger.
It's okay for EVERYBODY to put their faith in a 15 year-old.
It's perfectly reasonable for your society to be run by a group of 46 people whose authority can never be question no matter how incredibly bad their judgement calls frequently turn out to be. Also, a senile old fool is just the person you want to be the supreme commander of your society's military.
Silence woman! Sit back, Stay in the Kitchen, and watch me rescue you whether you want me to or not.
If violence isn't solving all your problems you simply aren't using enough of it.
What a woman is a Master Swordman?! Foolish woman, know your place for you are not the strongest. You're just a stepping stone.
Blood-C: Don't even bother trying to protect the people you love. You will fail and they will die horribly.
Blue Gender: Through the use of sustainable technology and orbital biodomes, one can preserve our planet's integrity even when humanity's energy and resource requirements begin to exceed the planet's ability to fulfill them.
Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai: Hey, wanna make friends? Well, the best way to do that it form a club and then manipulate and abuse every member frequently. Bonus points if a handful happen to have egos for you to go out of your way to bruise by humiliating them at every given opportunity. No one will ever call you out on it. Even better if one of them happens to be a child.
The Borrower Arrietty: Trying to open up and connect with other people will only scare them away, at best, leave you vulnerable to being hurt at worst, and is ultimately futile as we all end up alone in the end, anyway. Which is probably for the best.
Cat Soup: Never poop. When you poop, weird and possibly symbolic stuff will occur.
It's okay to eat your friends, just so long as you share with them.
Chi's Sweet Home: Screw landlords and their dumb rules - everyone should have the right to keep a cute kitten at home!
Code Geass: Only by abandoning all morality and honor can evil be defeated.
East Asia can only count on each other, as the rest of the world is either unimportant or evil.
They still need to be lead by Westerns as they are too weak and useless to stand up.
Women are useless, only able to be an extension of the man, and will only cause trouble if given a free opinion.
Alternate Interpretation: All women secretly desire to be June Cleaver. Any woman who tries to act strong or independent is just putting on airs and needs to find a man and learn to embrace her inner housewife before she gets hurt.
Democracy will cause you to elect someone incompetent like Ohgi.
Speaking of Ohgi, it's perfectly okay to get ahead by turning on someone.
Also speaking of Ohgi, someone who betrayed you, tried to kill you, and who influenced you to betray your leader is a great wife.
If you have deep, personal problems with others, do not talk it out. Instead, continue your morally ambiguous plan unheeded while occasionally angsting about it.
If your parents aren't misguided and deeply scarred from the upbringing they tried to shelter you from, they're monsters who abandoned you and you should punish the rest of the world for it.
Your siblings want to take everything you've worked for. But that's ok, they're too spineless to actually do it if it's too dangerous.
It is perfectly ok to enslave or kill millions, hold world leaders hostage and brainwash anyone with the power to stop you for the sake of world peace.
Only those with Royal Blood can affect real change in the world.
Hate will save the world.
The U.N. should be run by 15 year old girls with ties to revolutionary groups that have questionable records in adhering to international laws.
The best way to make a better world for your dear sister is to have the world view you, the brother she loves and respects most of all, as evil.
It doesn't matter how many war crimes you commit, or inocent lives you directly or indirectly took. If your Morality Pet little sister is killed with her reputation in tatters. You are automatiocally absolved of any and all responsibility for your past evil misdeeds.
You can't hope to change the system from within because the ruling class is made up of a) racist, evil assholes or b) na´ve idiots. The only way to change the world for the better is to become a terrorist. Having giant robots and superpowers helps too.
When all is going according to plan do not comment on it because the universe loves proving you wrong.
The best way to show your devotion to sweet, pacifist girls, is to start a bloodbath and pretend you did it for them (at least three girls get this treatment: Nunnally and Shirley for Lelouch, Euphie for Suzaku).
Deadman Wonderland: What, someone survives a grisly massacre? He survived, that obviously makes him the murderer.
Desert Punk: "Remember kids! Every man knows when to... RUN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!"
Death Note: To be the greatest detective of them all and save the world, you need to base all of your assumptions off of the findings of dead people. Hey, they're dead, nobody will know that evidence isn't yours—you can be a hero!
Another Note: Hide out in your safe house and have the Fair Cop you've recruited do all the work and then claim credit for solving the case when it's through. If you are the law no one can question you.
Extension: Women are weak, incompetent and need a man to lead them (and even then they are prone to making mistakes). Once they find him, they should Stay in the Kitchen.
If you've fallen in love with someone naturally the appropriate response is to stalk that person, have your crazy friend threaten to kill him, and dress like a whore. Your victim (I'm sorry, BOYFRIEND) will grow to love you eventually.
ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED WITH HANDCUFFS. If it isn't working, the handcuffs aren't small enough.
Never mind if your ideals are completely correct—if you develop a God complex, you must die and your work must be undone. You just wanted to make the world a better place and had to make some insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things sacrifices? Sorry, you're not a nice person, so you lose.
Writing in books is dangerous and evil. It's not a pretty picture. (Dramatic and stylalized, perhaps, but not pretty.) Don't do it. Ever.
Mass-murder is AWESOME!!! There is NOTHING it cannot do. Start slaughtering people today and you too can have a hotgirlfriend, steady job, legions of devoted followers, and (drumroll please) . . . world peace! Even if you die! That's right, kids, utopia can be yours, just make sure you start out by bumping off criminals . . . that way, you'll be justified no matter how much of a monster you become. Everything you say and do is right! Just remember these three simple rules: 1) if you think they deserve to die, they deserve to die, 2) if they get in your way, they deserve to die, and 3) if the world isn't a utopia yet, that just means you haven't killed enough people! Act now! Utopia is just a drawn out mass-murder session killing away!
The only thing more epic than writing in a notebook . . . is eating potato chips. Unless you repeatedly shout "delete" whilst writing in said notebook, then the sheer epic-ness might just make you come to fruition.
Matsuda is an idiot.
Do nothing. Don't ever try to change the world for the better. Sit around in your room and play with toys all day and you are sure to win at life.
If your little sister is ever kidnapped by violent criminals kill her immediately because if you save her it will lead to your death.
If the big, ugly monster is about to conquer the world, the best way to defeat it is to make some stupid speeches about your wishes, such as you want to be a kindergarten teacher or a artist. It always works.
The quickest way to stop a war is a half-naked teenage boy flying overhead.
That actually sounds like it might work.
Fairy Tail: The Power of Friendship is for beating the shit out of people to get revenge for hurting your True Companions, even in the cases where this doesn't actually do anything to protect them and just leads to more of them getting hurt. This will also never have any negative consequences.
Fate/stay night: Your life has no meaning, unless you try and throw it away at every opportunity. On the bright side, this will make women love you.
If all else fails, having sex will solve the problem.
Final Approach: Invade a guy's life and suffocate him with unwanted affection 24/7 and he'll grow to love you eventually.
Fruits Basket: All parents suck, and all adults are worthless and manipulative.
Or, alternatively, a person should get pity over their situation when it's caused by someone else, but you shouldn't feel anger at whoever caused the situation in the first place, because that makes you a bad person.
God still hates you, and this time around he's there personally to mock you as he takes everything from you.
Having lost an arm and a leg gives you the moral right to berate non-amputee people suffering an emotional breakdown for being wangsty. After all, if they haven't lost a limb (and got fully functional prostheses which are actually useful in combat and a superpower to boot) what could they know about pain? Don't worry, they'll thank you for opening their eyes afterwards.
Killing someone for the sake of revenge is a terrible act, which may cause you to go Jumping Off the Slippery Slope. It's so much better if one of your allies, who doesn't have a personal reason to do it, kills that person.
Getting drunk and hallucinating may be just the thing you need to stop moping and save the world!
Even if you didn't want to commit a sin and were literally forced into it God still hates you.
Taking years off your lifespan is okay if you like the thought of death before losing your virginity. If you want those years back, you gotta steal them back yourself with a red stone mad of human souls.
In regards to that first point (starting a war to fulfil your own goals), that's not so much a warping of the movie's aesop but a negation and contradiction of the aesop.
Also, lung tuberculosis isn't contagious and you should pretend nothing happened should your best friend / brother substitute start puking blood. He only becomes completely dispensable when you find the brother he was a substitute for.
As long as you're doing it to protect someone you love, gang rape and humiliation will have no lasting effects on you.
Never mind how your boyfriend verbally (and sometimes physically) abuses you. He's really a broken and lonely soul who needs your unconditional love to get change for the better.
H - P
Haruhi Suzumiya: Rape is okay as long as both the victim and perpetrator are Japanese schoolgirls.
Also, the victim will secretly enjoy it and end up being a better and more confident person because of it.
See that cute girl over there? You're not allowed to date her. Ever. Otherwise your other female friend will get jealous and destroy the universe.
The best way to show affection for someone is to be abusive and demanding, and mask any signs of caring. Don't worry, your interesting personality will more than make up for it. Such behavior is also a great way to get the person to spend time with you.
Forget all the fun and exciting things that happen in a "mundane" world. If it doesn't have freaks, monsters, or anything that isn't grounded in reality, it cannot be fun. So go ahead and watch as the world burns. At least you'll be entertained.
Summing it all up, God is a jerk.
Telling the girl you like that you have a ponytail fetish can save the universe!
Nobody is who you think they are, and making friends with one random eccentric girl can condemn you to a like of danger and uncertainty. But it dosent matter because your normal life was too boring anyways.
Hell Girl: If you get revenge, you'll go to hell, but if you don't get revenge, you'll suffer horrible torment and then go to hell anyway.
Therapy is pointless. Condemning everybody who makes you unhappy to eternal torment in hell is the only way to get over your life's problems.
Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni: Young girls who have their older brothers take care of them deserve to have the shit beaten out of them.
To be more precise, they need to have the shit beaten out of them at least once. It will make them better people.
If you find out that one of your friends has murdered someone, even in self-defense, you should help them cover it up, of course. It's what friends are for. (Never mind the fact that murdering someone in self-defense is a contradiction in terms!)
Nurses are always evil, and ones who engage in experimental research tend to end up infected by whatever it was they were studying.
Trust no one, or you and all your friends will die horribly.
Stay away from people from rural towns who believe in weird gods, or you will die horribly. Repeatedly.
Always give the doll you won in that game to the girl who insists she doesn't want it, or her family will kill you.
Even if you can try it thousands of times, some things are just hopeless unless you cheat.
Kara no Kyoukai: If you suspect that the girl you like is a psychotic serial killer, you should be friends anyway. If evidence points to her, ignore it. If she admits to it, don't believe her. If you see her standing in front of a headless corpse, covered in blood, holding a knife, rationalize that it wasn't her. If you then survive her inevitable attempt on your life, congratulations! You're both in love. She probably won't try to kill you again.
Love Hina: It's okay for a girl to beat the shit out of her supposed True Love for breathing too loudly, but if he does anything to stand up to her, he's a bastard.
And said girl who beats the shit out of you on a near-daily basis is obviously more compatible with you than anyone else and always has been.
Macross Frontier: It is perfectly OK for a guy to be in love relationship with two girls simultaneously.
If you are a famous star, don't encourage anyone to go into show business. Ever. They will always steal your position.
And it is 100% OK to do so along with taking their manager from them. If however, the now fallen star manages to get the guy you are in love with after that, she is absolute bitch and deserves to die, along with everybody around.
The best way to end all war is to shoot the interposition force first.
Want to get a girl to be in love with you? Shoot her little sister. She'll be so desperate, she'll fall in your arms immediately.
Mobile Suit Gundam AGE: Who cares about your ally getting killed? Your enemy side's casualties are more important than your ally side's!
Monsterclearly teaches kids that it's okay to avoid going to school if they honestly have something more interesting to do, like following a fugitive doctor around.
Alternatively, if you're a surgeon, you really should think twice before saving random hapless children.
Don't go against superiors and try to do the morally right thing by treating all patients equally regardless of social status. You'll just end up saving The Antichrist who'll kill thousands of innocents.
Muhyo and Roji: An incredibly lazy and snarky prodigy is a better candidate for a prestigious job than his hard-working friend who is determined to provide for his ill mother.
Negima!: It is perfectly reasonable to live in your possibly dead father's shadow. In fact, you should shave whole days off of your life so you can be more like him. And if you have a friend who is doing this, you should encourage him to continue because it makes him "mature" and "adult", even if he is a child.
The series later gives another option, if you don't want to stay in your father's shadow, choose dark powers over light! Despite the fact that it may eventually kill you, at least you don't have to worry about using The Power of Friendship to solve all of your problems.
If a child is doing incredibly stupid things because you're not telling him something, whatever you do, don't tell him! He needs to learn stuff the hard way, with lots of blood, sweat, tears, and wasted childhood.
If you are that child and someone tells you that you should relax a little, act like the child you are, and enjoy your childhood while it still lasts, don't. Instead, find a Year Inside, Hour Outside mechanism so that you can get out of childhood even faster, without wasting that Training from Hell in the process.
Making out with your students is endearing, and there is no downside. In fact, you're rewarded with incredible items. Everybody wins.
Neon Genesis Evangelion, InuYasha, Excel Saga, probably a bunch of others as well: You should totally fall in love with the Handsome Lech or the Chivalrous Pervert. Sure he said he is in love with anything on two legs, but he also said it to you, so he must mean it. After all, it is not like the guy is evil, so his actions are perfectly okay. Once he settles down with you he will stop. And if he doesn't, that just means it is in his nature. Who are you to change him?
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Do you have an incredibly powerful weapon that is possibly your only hope for survival? Entrust it to emotionally unstable children!
Also, don't take that lithium! You might need to go into perpetual-motion mode to defeat an Angel!
If you don't want to have a Child by Rape that makes you a bad person.
One Piece: Chain-smoking is badass. Doing it in quantities that couldn't even fit in the average mouth is even cooler.
Saving your older brother must be your top priority. It doesn't matter if you need to let loose a bunch of the world's worst criminals in the process, one of which has done terrible damage to one of your True Companions' home country, you gotta do what you gotta do!
Killing someone is a terrible thing, but beating someone into unconsciousness is A-okay. It's actually a completely acceptable thing to do about someone you don't like. Don't worry, they won't risk to suffer brain damage or even death in the long run, even though modern medicine states that fainting will induce such things. Modern medicine is lying; they will wake up and be all fine after a short amount of time.
Ookami Kakushi: You should tolerate people who are highly aroused by your scent.
Wanting revenge on someone for killing your fiancee makes you a racist jerk.
If you were almost molested, found out your classmate is a murderer, that you are the reason for said classmate having to commit murder, and witnessed the near-destruction of your hometown within the space of a few weeks, it will soon feel like a dream.
Opening a present meant for your sister is a very, VERY bad idea.
Hugs can kill you if you're not careful.
Ouran High School Host Club: Girls shouldn't ever try to help anyone if they're alone. Also, it's a good idea to use attempted rape as a tool to remind women of where their place is and just how powerless they are.
Paranoia Agent: Lying is bad, kids! If you lie, you and everyone you've ever been in contact with will go insane and imagine being beaten up by a juvenile kid before a giant black blob consumes your hometown!
Correction: If you live in Tokyo and someone lies, you will be killed by a figment of their imagination.
Don't live in Tokyo.
A little girl accidentally letting her puppy die is the cause of all the problems in society, even if everyone else did worse things and just hid behind her lie. Only make her own up to it and the masses will obviously be spared and never cause something similar to happen ever again.
Are you a crooked cop, a violent burglar, and a pedophile who is abusing the trust of your only child by taking naked pictures of her? You don't have to face any repercussions! In fact, not only will you be treated like a hero for catching the wrong suspect, but your daughter will contract Hollywood Amnesia and never rat you out! (Alternatively: the worst thing that can happen for a criminal or a pedophile is for them to reflect and feel bad about their actions. Don't bother trying to actually send them to jail.)
Puella Magi Madoka Magica: Did someone just offer you the opportunity to make yourself truly happy? They cannot be trusted at all. And if they're only doing it because it will help save the universe in the long run, that means they must be destroyed.
Teenage girls' dreams are the driving force behind humanity's progress.
Doing what is necessary to prolong the end of the universe requires putting the well-being of everyone else in the universe before your own. This is a horrible, nightmarish, self-destructive process that no one in their right mind should agree to. You'd be better off letting everyone and everything die early.
And being idealistic about this situation in any way will earn you a horrifyingly gruesome death.
If you commit yourself to fighting evil so that the boy you love can once again pursue his passion, he'll choose your friend instead, and you'll turn into a monster, requiring the girl who was starting to become friends with you to sacrifice herself to kill you.
If you're a boy and a girl who deny any interest in each other and fight each other verbally and sometimes physically, you're a perfect couple, just adorably "in denial" about it.
It's cute and funny for a girl to beat on a boy because she's mad or embarrassed, but it's awful if a guy hits a girl who treats him bad.
It's okay for a guy to mock a girl's most sensitive emotional/mental weaknesses simply because she's bad-tempered.
It's okay for a girl to react to a boy with No Social Skills unthinkingly being a Jerk Ass by beating him with the nearest heavy object.
If you've been chasing a girl and professing your love to her for at least ten years, despite the fact she insists she's not interested to the point she routinely beats you up and tells you she hates you, to your face, keep at it! She's obviously just shy and will come to return your feelings soon. And if she finds another boy she genuinely does seem to like, well, he's obviously bewitched her, so try to beat him to a pulp, even kill him if you have to, so she'll fall in love with you instead.
It's okay to revile a guy for stalking you because he claims to love you, but to do the exact same thing to a guy you actually do like and who doesn't seem to be interested in you.
Soul Eater (after overtaking the manga) Teamwork and skill aren't really all that important in the end. Courage is the only thing you need. Also, nothing anybody else did counted as "courageous" for some reason. That includes the father who got himself blown up (pointlessly, granted, but that's another trope) to protect his kid.
Fear is bad. If can't confront what you're afraid of, you're either evil or at least inadequate and must be shown sense. By force if necessary. Children horrifically abused by their mothers are not exempt from this treatment. If you're not brave, you risk becoming less than human.
From the manga, apparently there is such a thing as knowing too much, because it will drive you mad and into isolation.
Mistreating people with OCD and/or taking advantage of their condition is HILARIOUS!
Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle: So, your girlfriend got knocked into a coma, and the only way to get her out of it is to take a million-to-one shot at fixing it (and failing will probably get the both of you killed), and if you even succeed at all, she won't even remember who you are? Well if you don't jump on that million-to-one shot, you don't love her. Period.
Zero No Tsukaima: Hey Girls! remember, if a boy annoys you, to even the smallest degree, always remember that physical violence is your friend! whether it's punching him in the face, striking him with a bottle or kicking him in the testicles (it's not as if he needs them for anything right?) every technique is a winner!