Warp That Aesop / Naruto

• BEING CHILD SOLDIERS IS FREAKING AWESOME! C'MON GANG IT'S TIME FOR AN ADVENTURE!
• Things like training, intelligence, having lots of really cool abilities and using them really well, actually mean very little in the grand scheme of things.
• To become great, find a mentor and become a carbon copy of him/her. Forget individuality! (Team 7 and the Sannin, Lee and Gai, Konahamaru and Naruto, Shikamaru and Asuma).
• Remember kids, if a bad guy asks you to abandon your friends and join his side, always go for it. It's a super-quick and easy route to becoming an unstoppable One-Man Army with lots of hax powers! And no need to worry about the bad guy's motives, as you can just kill him once he's given you enough power.
• The most effective ninja wear bright-colored clothing and shout their attacks.
• Girls can't fight. They can only heal and cry over the guys who can fight. If a girl can fight, something is very wrong with her.
  • But it doesn't matter in the end, as all they really want is to have boyfriends and get married. Yes, even if they're leaders of ninja villages or if the object of their desire tried to kill them, they still wish to be subservient to men.
• Recruiting immature prepubescent children into your military is perfectly acceptable because you love them.
• Remember, if your friend turns evil, he is still your friend and you should do everything you can to save him and make excuses for him, even if he wants to kill all of your friends.
  • Also try to stop your new boss (albeit a Lawful Evil one) from killing him even if he's totally justified by both international laws and the laws of your villages.
  • People only matter if YOU know them. The life of a murderer who happens to be your friend is far more important than the lives of any victims that were strangers to you. After all, your friend has all kinds of issues about lost loved ones and it's not like their victims could have any of those, no family or friends who'll EACH now be going through grief every bit as agonising as your buddy!
    • The same applies to your village and its ninjas in regards to other villages and their ninjas. Like, those ninjas and guys from the Filler Arcs and Movies who are just doing their job, or the Tykebombs working for the Big Bad are just evil because they working for the faction opposing you! In fact, any Ninja that isn't part of Konoha's Will of Fire is an evil one, no matter their own philosophies and goals, or if they have a very good reason to hate you and your village (Like, that Sky Village your own village destroyed in a war? Or the Takumi Village that made weapons for you, but then when they requested your help you just said it's their problem?)! Ladies and gentlemen, our heroes!
• A promise is a promise, and you must fulfill it. Even if it causes you suffering, possible death, to lose three years of your life that you could be doing something more important with, to make things worse for everyone...
  • That's probably the INTENDED Aesop.
    • So the lesson here is never make promises?
• Also, your One True Love is the guy/girl that ignores you. Always.
• Screw therapy, the way to get out of any depression/angst period is to decide you want to become stronger, for some vague reason.
• All problems can be solved by letting a homicidal fox demon control your body for a bit.
  • This could also be said (to a much lesser extent, and with the exception of anyone who kills the main character) of YuYu Hakusho.
• People who are different will never understand each other. In order for the understanding to happen, both must live the exact same life.
• Also, it's okay to kill your whole family to save your village from a coup. Even if said village was pushing your family with false accusations based on long past events. Even if only some members of your family were involved in the coup. It's okay to kill your elderly and youngling relatives, even your parents, and then turn your brother into a raving lunatic for some stupid Gambit Roulette and still hope for him to have a normal life. Don't worry, you will be absolutely praised for your actions.
  • The best method for this is to show him the destruction over and over again for mental equivalent of 72 hours twice
  • And it's also okay for other people to be informed of such and keep quiet, even if relating it to your leader might open the possibility of diplomacy with said brother who's been turned pure evil. And it's wrong that said brother is PISSED OFF because his whole clan was killed for this stupid Gambit Roulette! He should just suck it up, right?
    • These are also all great qualities for a potential Hokage to have.
    • No, it's okay to kill everyone associated with the village, despite having no knowledge of the truth of the incident whatsoever.
    • Pay Evil unto Evil?
  • Also, in the improbable case of your brother going insane from all the shit you put him and your family through and deciding to ignore your mindset and go on to avenge the clan, it's okay to essentially brainwash him into being a slave to the village for life, essentially killing his free-will and condemning him to serve his family's murderers. Itachi, you should be the Poster Boy of this page, you know that?
  • It's only the thought that counts. As well as destroying your brother sanity, torturing your fellow village protectors is OK too. Because you're the bestest shinobi EVER!!
• It's okay to hate a child because he has a demon inside them. It's also perfectly logical to ostracize him and make him feel unloved. He will, every time, use his powers to protect you. He will never once think to use his powers to unleash unholy hell on you and your loved ones as payback for all the crap you've put him through. An entire town can pick on an innocent child with no repercussions and still expect him to save them from their enemies and the monster they put inside him.
  • Bonus points when the guy who sacrificed his life to stop said demon (aka their renowned leader) asks you to make him a hero.
• It's better to be dead than to raise your son without your smoking hot wife.
  • Sacrificing yourself and your son by sealing a demon into said son to make them a weapon for a village that will hate, mistreat, and despise them (which you KNOW will happen) isn't only perfectly OK, it's heroic. Especially if there's a way to deal with the demon that both leaves you alive and doesn't force your child to become essentially a Burakumin.
• To get stronger one needs friends, but preferably just their eyes.
• Revenge is bad. UNLESS the guy you're taking revenge on is a different religion than you, in which case, fuck him.
  • The true Aesop is: revenge is only bad if your target is an Uchiha or possesses Uchiha eyes. Everyone else is okay to unleash your vengeance upon them.
  • If someone destroys your village and kills most of the people in it, you should totally spare him. It will bring everyone he killed back to life and make everyone love you.
• If you attempt to change to world for the better, there is a good chance that the slightest mistake will cause you to fail horribly, cause the deaths of nearly everyone you care about, and eventually make you pure evil.
• If the girl you love dies never, ever get over your pain and move on with your life. As long as you stay rooted in your despair and take it out on those around you, someone will come and save you from your problems and you get to die and spend eternity happily ever after with her.
• If you are not descended from the mythical savior of the world, you are utterly irrelevant.
• If someone tries to kill you, he is your best friend, and you should devote the rest of your life to preventing other people from holding him accountable for his crimes.
• If the only girl who ever truly loved you sincerely confesses her feelings for you and is almost killed right in front of you, you should ignore her confession completely and then never bring it up directly, even after you save her life, hold her hand, and then hear her mentally call out your name in despair.
  • At least until two years later, when you finally realize how you feel about her (especially once you notice that the Big Bad is obsessed with her), spend some time practically hitting on her, and then confess your love to her, only for her to coldly "reject" you and leave with the Big Bad.
• It's okay to risk the destruction of your village/the end of the world by letting the person the enemy wants to capture fight them as long as you have faith in him.
• All it takes to get nations with a history of warring with each other to reconcile and work together is to give them a common enemy powerful enough to threaten all of them. Hmmm...
• The best way to stop your friend from trying to fulfill an impossible promise while driven on by an unrequited crush on you is to use that one-sided crush and falsely tell him that you love him.
• In order to be victorious all you need is to be an Uchiha. Then victory is assured because you have New Powers as the Plot Demands coming out of your Ass. So Screw The Rules I Have Sharingan. (Unless you're fighting against an Uzumaki.)
  • You also have to be evil too. Since being good doesn't amount to anything.
    • Because you'll be Easily Forgiven later. Despite ruining many lives. Hell, you're the coolest despite the fact that everything about your actions blatantly says otherwise. All the murders you committed, all the emotional abuse towards those who love you (or those you love), genocidal rage and responsibility for tons of other mayhem? It will be whitewashed because you're an Uchiha!
    • Similarly, if you are not an Uchiha and you might feel regret for your actions, you should die an evil person!
• It's fine if a guy stabs you and leaves you for dead if he's cute or is your so-called best friend.
• Abandoning your friends to complete the mission is the right thing to do. If you help them, everything will go to shit.
• When you decide that you need to die for the greater good. Force your friend to do it. Never mind about their feelings. It's for the greater good, right!
• It doesn't matter who you are or who your parents were, all you need to become strong is to try as hard as you can. You make your own destiny, and nobody can- oh wait, no, never mind. To become powerful all you need is a demon sealed inside you and to be descended from The Chosen One.
• How to get people to work together:
  1. Be absurdly late.
  2. Give out false information.
  3. Giving out hints (even if they're vague) is a no-no.
  4. Threaten them.
  • You also have every right to get angry if they do follow your instructions.
  • Also the hidden lesson is don't trust your superiors and trust your teammates because the former will betray you and the latter will not. Except when they do.
• That all people are incredibly stupid. ALWAYS.
• Students cannot surpass their masters. No matter how many people voice that you've done so, when put into practice, the previous generation is always the bigger fish (even back when they were your age). And the older the generation, the bigger the fish they are, and the only way to defeat them is to be the reincarnation of members of an older generation and have a member of an even OLDER generation give you the powers necessary.
• All the atrocities committed by your clan are excusable because the spawn of an alien princess indirectly encouraged you. And because every member of your clan has a neurodegenerative disorder that causes you to become a genocidal madman if you unlock your superpower that people claim is because you "love too much".
• You can cause as much death and destruction as you want for the majority of your life, but as long as you show remorse for the last hour or so, people who were once trying to kill you will inconvenience themselves to keep you alive, you'll get everything you want in the afterlife, and you'll have praises sung from the mouths of those who should by all rights be spitting on your corpse.
• Give your sons equal inheritance even after the elder son has flat-out stated that he'll abuse it. Just sit back and let the younger son take care of it.
• Marry the only guy you ever loved. Even if he's tried to kill you, he was just misunderstood. Moving on would apparently make you a horrible person.
• Screw working for peace if you are a villain! You will undoubtedly fail by the hands of the protagonist themselves! Work for immortality instead. You will go scot-free despite your numerous crimes sometimes eclipsing the villains working for peace.
• Babies Ever After is the best outcome ever. Those who remain single are a minority, because almost everyone wants to marry.
• No matter how bad you are, if you help against a world-ending threat everything you've previously done will not be punished and those you've wronged will tolerate you. And the worst thing you'll possibly get is being allowed freedom with only a single guard you could possibly kill watching you.
• From Boruto: Naruto the Movie — It's wrong to use unfair advantages like weapons that allow you to carry powerful ninjutsu into battle instead of using hard work. But having a powerful demon sealed into you that you can tap into, having a kekkai gekkai that literally allows you to learn whatever (non-kekkai gekkai) ninjutsu you want by watching it once, or having ninja Jesus show up and basically grant you God-like powers are totally not unfair advantages.
• Neglecting your son is okay when you have an entire village to run with no assistants to take your place. (Apart from your ability to create up to thousands of magical clones of yourself that is.) It is especially okay when he is feeling the same neglect that both you and your wife did when the two of you were his age.
  • Using a clone isn't good enough, despite the extra exhaustion of maintaining it you will be condemned by your kids if you do it.