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Characters: Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals
Character sheet for the worst non-pornographic Hellsing fan fic in existance. Warning: As of now, most spoilers directly related to the fic itself may be unmarked. Just about the only spoilers that are marked are about which characters die, and even then a look through this page might give them away.

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    Hellsing/Hecksing Organization 

Alucard Badguy

Arr, this be my time to shine.

A powerful vampire who hunts other vampires, as the pilot says. He dies less than a third of the way into the fic. Sometimes he is portrayed as a "wise mentor" to Seras. He likes Fakebook. (Get it? It's "Facebook," but it isn't!)

No relation to Dominic Badguy, at least as far as what the story shows. You can never be sure with its Crack Fic roots.

Integra Heck

SERCH AND DESTROY TOES TRADERS!

The sole leader of Hecksing, and the founder.

  • Anti-Magic: Works with Ned Flanders to set up an anti-vampire spell keeping vampires out of London.
  • Badass Normal: She's able to fend off against Zorin and Rip, the former being one of the Millennium's most ellete members and the latter being a "secret weapon" charmer. Oh, and she fights the two at the same time. While driving. Then she attempts to kill Giant Mutant Homer, but this fails.
  • Blood from the Mouth: After being stabbed by Lawyer Guy.
  • Crash into Hello: The way she met Alucard in this fan fic.
  • Dropped a Bridge on Her: Commented on:
    To show [Lawyer Guy] meens bisness, he dun dun dun STABED INTEGRA THRU BACK! (hay this is borderline filer and I want a litel more plot revelense in here so that it not a complet waste of tim also theres a littel caracter developement cuz before there was not really that much)
  • Sacrificial Lion: Her death in chapter 9, as the narrator outright says.
  • Unfortunate Names: Honestly, what kind of a last name is "Heck?"

Seras Victoria

MANIUM? I KILL YOU DED! I WILL UNSCREW UR HED AND SHIT DOWN UR NECK!

A police girl who got attacked by the first boss of the fan fic. She got saved by Alucard, but due to his terrible aim he ended up shooting her and had to transform her into a vampire to save her.

Her actions done exclusively in Carl Stevens Universe go on that page. This covers herself in both CSU and HUC, as CSU is essentially a spinoff of HUC.

  • Abusive Parents: Her adoptive parents. They were jerks!
  • Color-Coded Characters: Yellow.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: She grinds Carl against a wall for flirting with her. The only reason why Carl survives was because he had washed his face with holy water, which doesn't make much sense.
  • Emergency Transformation: By Alucard, after he himself ends up shooting her by accident.
  • Fridge Logic: Invoked. She's somehow able to bite and transform Carl without teeth. And Carl's not a virgin. In fact, the stuff he did to lose his virginity and long after it was why Zorin was unable to "metaphor" him.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Red to Carl's blue. Also, to some extent, red (or more like yellow) to Rip's blue.
  • Lady Swears a Lot: For some reason, she keeps spouting out increasingly lewd and disturbing threats to the Millennium. She also keeps dashing to attack them head-on. She swears more than Jan, who amusingly doesn't curse at all in this fic.
  • Stuff Blowing Up: Her bullets gain the ability to explode after she sleeps with Carl.
  • Too Dumb to Live: She's dashed on to attack "Card Guy" and Schrodinger head-on. She also attempted to do this with Walter and the Captain, but Rip, who is supposed to be a "loveable idiot" type character, stops her.
  • Tsundere: To Carl. It's even described as her accent. Very, very, very little on the dere.

Carl Stevens

We goin to KICK DIS UP A NOTCH!

Martian rockstar who got stranded on earth during a vacation. He killed Pip by accident on his way to earth. He is eventually promoted to Hecksing's leader after Integra's death.

His actions done exclusively in Carl Stevens Universe go on that page. This covers himself in both CSU and HUC, as CSU is essentially a spinoff of HUC.

  • Author Avatar: Parodied. It's not noticeable at first (wherein he seems to be more like a generic Marty Stu), but then several Author Tracts are added, as well as occasional reveals that he is geeky, seemingly reflecting the typical writter of fan fiction like this.
  • Awesome, but Impractical: His skill is only ever useful during the "Card Guy" fight. Outside of that, his weapon is essentially a weaker gun.
  • Color-Coded Characters: Rainbow, man! Winning!
  • Double Standard: According to him, it's okay to add another once-evil woman to a polygamous relationship and redemption, but any once-evil men who attempt the same should be cut in half. (Granted, it was Zorin who killed the soldier, not Carl, but this was heavily implied.)
  • Fantastic Racism: "Wherewolfs just smok pot and always ALL CAPS there senteses. They are suck."
  • Fish out of Water: His story arc, in that he's a Martian stranded on Earth. And in a more meta sense, his character clashes horribly with everything else in Hellsing. And later, he clashes horribly with everything in Steven Universe.
  • Green-Skinned Space Charlie Sheen: Very evident in HUC's cover image. While it could just be because of the fake-author's lazyness, based on what we know of what Carl is like there is little reason for him to have any really bizarre "alien" features.
  • Hate Sink: Heroic example. Despite being one of the good guys, he was never intended to be likable. Thanks to sticking out of the cast like a sore thumb, being extremely rude to and harassing Seras, and being a reference to a meme that's probably becoming outdated especially during the time of Carl Stevens Universe. And speaking of CSU, it's magnified there thanks to him being an actual antagonist this time.
  • Improbable Weapon User: Champion out of them all in the story, his is a guitar that shoots deadly sound waves.
  • Jerk Ass: And how. Word of God intended to make him completely unbearable. Taken Up to Eleven in Carl Stevens Universe.
  • Marry Them All: His proposal at the end of chapter 7... only it wasn't to "marry" them. It works, despite two of the participants being the enemy.
  • Memetic Mutation: Invoked, most of his character is based on the "Winning!" music video more than the Charlie Sheen interviews themselves.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: He's a parody of Charlie Sheen, and a rather blatant one. Which is odd, because David Hasselhoff appears, and HHC has more celebrities such as Tony Hawk.
  • Parody Stu: Of a Jerk Stu, to be exact.
  • The Power of Rock: His main weapon, lifted directly from the Spongebob movie.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Blue to Seras' red.
  • Spotlight-Stealing Squad: It doesn't start off that badly (he hardly got any focus back when Alucard was alive),but as the seasons go by he gets worse and worse.
  • Too Dumb to Live: He saw Rip. He knows what she looks like. And yet, after being sent into an illusion and seeing her still covered in blood, he thinks it's an actual date and tries to hit on her.
  • Would Hit a Girl: In Hecksing, it's a lot more difficult to tell since he spends most of one of two fights involving women enemies cowering and the second one has its women dealt with by Seras and Rip, but it's there. He kicks Rip after finding out that the "date" he was in was an illusion. Its made a lot clearer in Carl Stevens Universe, where he eventually has opened first on all of the female Crystal Gems (and Steven), one of these attacks even pushing Amethyst off of a bridge.

Rip Van Winkle

We'll win. Because I have win in my name!

Former member of Millennium until the London invasion, wherein she and Zorin disobeyed orders and slept with Carl. She got fired by the Doctor, through Schrodinger, and was hired in Hecksing not too long after by Integra.

For some, never explained reason, everything she says is written with perfect spelling and grammar.

Her actions done exclusively in Carl Stevens Universe go on that page. This covers herself in both CSU and HUC, as CSU is essentially a spinoff of HUC.

  • Ascended Extra: She goes from minor villain to a slightly bigger villain who becomes one of the leads.
  • The Atoner: Housestuck reveals that this is part of her character, as she came to realize that her rain of villainly/not-caring just led to her becoming a monster herself. She has decided to spend the rest of her (presumably long) life trying to make up for it.
  • Bullet Hell: Her special skill involves controlling bullets... only in this fic, she gets the ability to multiply them after she sleeps with Carl. And each of the multiples can be controlled. And this also goes for bullets fired from anything, even rapid fire machine guns.
  • Breast Attack: Seras kicks her there in chapter 7. Despite probably having lost both legs to her.
  • Breast Expansion: Her breast size is incredibly inconsistent. She also notably keeps her incresed bust size during Carl Stevens Universe, possibly impling that even there she has her charming abilities.
  • Color-Coded Characters: Blue. Bright blue, to be specific. To be even more specific, this is revealed as azure in Sweet Jade and Hella John.
  • The Ditz.
  • Draco in Leather Pants: Invoked, obviously.
  • Dumb Blonde: Even though she's not blonde, she still fits the stereotype to some extent. Chapter 4 is the most obvious example.
  • Easily Forgiven: And how. For both the Millennium and Hecksing. She outright wipes out half of the "Wild Geass" and gets away with it pretty much because Carl has a boner for her. Before that, she makes a horribly stupid mistake and yet the Millennium forgive her because the Doctor... well, same reason as Carl.
  • Expy: Her character in this fic is loosely based on portrayals of Lindsay. Also, of White she-devil. (The ending of chapter 7 makes the latter more obvious.)
  • Freudian Excuse: Housestuck implies that something happened to her in the past that left her in a state of helplessness, similar to her canon battle with Alucard. Unlike that battle, she survived, and spent everything after that trying to be as powerful as possible to never feel that way again. It was only after seeing a young Jade Harley crying in her burning mansion that Rip realized that what she was doing was wrong, and she's just as bad as whoever it was that tried to kill her, so she gave it up and is currently spending the rest of her life trying to make up for everything bad she did.
  • Full-Frontal Assault: She has no problems fighting Major in the nude (but she inexplicably quickly re-dresses herself) or wearing nothing but a see-through shirt and thong. She also does this unknowingly to Section DCLXVI.
  • Gag Boobs: Again, her breast size is highly inconsistant, at one point being described as Z cups.
  • High Heel-Face Turn.
  • Hotter and Sexier: Parodied.
  • Informed Ability: She can "charm" people, but she never does so. Unless you count the Doctor seeing her after accidentally falling into water, but that was an accident.
  • Informed Attractiveness: She is very much implied to look a bit different, not even counting her Gag Boobs. For a character that, in canon, had a minor case of Viewer Gender Confusion, she is apparantly so hot that she induces Distracted by the Sexy on Doctor, and during the invasion Carl doesn't mind trying to date her even though he's supposed to be fighting her.
  • Irony: Her charm skills? Yeah, she ends up falling for Carl, and would have won the "invashon" had she not fallen in love with him.
  • Karma Houdini: In spite of all the crap she did, the worst thing that happens to her is that she gets fired. Which she even avoided the first time.
  • Meaningful Name: Apart from her quote, there's also how she rips stuff out. Like how she rips Seras apart. When she was born, she ripped through paper. Steel paper. This gets a nod near the end of Sweet Jade and Hella John.
  • Ms. Fanservice: Parodied. She wears a very revealing outfit for most of the story, and even that gets rendeered see-through. And she's been flat-out naked thrice, two of those moments being pretty long.
  • Naked People Are Funny: The result of having fan service deliberately done poorly, combined with how often she gets naked or has her entire costume made transperant.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: She actually appears to be competant. She was able to take out Walter, one of the more ellite forces, and she came up with a complicated plan to take out Major in chapter 11. And the plan worked. And then there's the lengthy, semi-intellectual recap at the beginning of the final season, and pretty much everything she does in Sweet Jade and Hella John.... Housestuck either confirms this was intentional or ret-cons a reason into her suddenly gaining intellegence after joining Hecksing.
  • Painting the Medium: For some reason, she speaks in completely clear and correct grammar. And it's weird to see that after three chapters of Large Ham. It's short sentences on her first appearance, though. Arguably it's because there's not much to be said during that incident.
  • Really 700 Years Old:
    • A flashback in chapter 5 reveals that she was the one who vampirized Alucard, since the latter needed a female to turn him. This occurred during World War II, and when she was vamperized herself was unknown.
    • Dawn reveals that she takes this Up to Eleven, in that, during the time of World War II, she was 616. By the distant finale, she literally is over 700 years old.
  • Redemption Equals Sex: The end of chapter 7.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Blue to Seras's red, when Carl's not around to fulfill that role.
  • Self-Fanservice: invokedParodied. This is a shot of her canon design. She is made to look Obviously Evil and has been mistaken for a man, especially in the manga. Here, however, she is supposedly a beauty goddess, who bears incredibly large breasts (exactly how large is never consistent) and has the ability to "charm" others into basically doing whatever she wants. While she never uses this in combat (although that was the original plan before Jan hijacks it), her accidentally exposing herself to Doctor actually saved her from getting fired, and it's implied that she could have turned Alucard on the Millennium's side. Plus, her regular outfit amounts to just a shirt (going to be ret-conned to a bra sometime around the end of July to the beginning of August) and a thong. And both of them are made out of a material that becomes see-through when wet. Which happens often.
  • Sexy Soaked Shirt: She's a fanservice-y character and gets her clothes soaked Once a Season. Once with blood, no less.
  • Shameless Fanservice Girl: She strips naked in the middle of combat because her outfit was ruined in chapter 11. Which makes her freakout in the end after finding out that she forgot to put clothes on before battle all the more weirder.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: See her quote.
  • Spared by the Adaptation: She (well, and the Captain) is the only character who died in canon that survives to the end. Seras is the only character that lived in canon that survives to the end. Carl is an OC, so all three of Hecksing's "main" surviving members have unique backgrounds in terms of life and death.
  • Stealth Pun: She's part of a Nazi organization, and uses perfect grammar and spelling in a fan fic otherwise filled with Rouge Angels Of Satin and general mispellings. She's a Grammar Nazi.
  • The Stoner: Before joining the Millennium, she and the Captain were a pair of supernatural stoners. They, or at least the Captain, still take drugs now.
  • Stripperiffic: Her usual attire, consisting of nothing but a thong and shirt, which she wears almost all the time. The exceptions are when she's naked and her "cannon suit" towards the end of chapter 7 and a few points in the final season. Or her see-through dress in the final chapter, which just has an even more revealing outfit underneath.
  • Thong Of Sheilding: Yes, but probably only because it's an excuse to say she has an outfit on when she's supposed to while still exposing her ass. And it gets see-through anyway. The fic point-blank says her naked butt it visible and uncensored in the end, even though it could very well say her hair covers it.
  • Tsundere: Chapter 7 describes her as this, outright. But she ultimately isn't, and just treats Carl nicely most of the time.
  • The Unfought: Subverted. While Alucard never fights her (although she does meet him in the past to vampirize him) thanks to a last-second move by Jan, she later joins Zorin to assault the Hecksing manor.
  • The Vamp: Implied. She's been stated to be able to "charm" people and was even sent at first to charm Alucard. It's unknown if her skills could work on Alucard, because Jan took the mission instead.
  • Verbal Tic: A possible aversion. She talks perfectly. As in, not with the usual SBIG typoes. It's not that noticeable until around chapters 8 onward, but it's still there.
  • Wake-Up Call Boss: While Jan showed that sending Alucard after things isn't always a good idea, she and Zorin are the first villains that Hecksing actually struggles with fighting. Between Walter, the Titan Mecha/Doctor, Major, and Hitler, every major villain they face bar Captain just gets tougher for them and requires more strategy.
  • Walking Spoiler: Ignoring the current lack of spoiler tags under her sheet, the fact that she's in the Hecksing folder should tell you something.

Zorin Blitz

We will split up also, me with half the vampers you with other half, and we will take them down like with Ranging Bloyster in Pikmin!

Another person sent as part of the London "Invashon," formerly working for the Millennium. Like Rip, she falls for Carl, but unlike Rip, she dies in the very next chapter. She seems to be a pretty big fan of Pikmin.

  • Cluster S Bomb: Her reaction upon finding out she would be partnered with Rip.
  • Cruel and Unusual Death: Probably the biggest example in the fan fic. She's killed when Walter takes a huge extract of blood from Mayor Quimby, weaponizes it into a fist, a punches her face so hard that it flies right through it.
  • Early-Bird Cameo: She appears in chapter 3 with little lines and disguises as Seras in a Paper Mario reference... for some reason.
  • High Heel-Face Turn.
  • Out-of-Character Alert: When disguising as Seras, she calls Carl "Dumbass" instead of Carl, which alerts to Hecksing that she's the fake one. However, considering the way Seras treats Carl throughout the entire series, this really just comes off as a lucky guess.
  • The Plot Reaper: Her illusion/mind entering abilities can easily beat out most of the villains. Solution? Have Walter somehow get the ability to counter her and kill her off, thus preventing Hecksing from using her powers against Major/Doctor/Schrodinger/Hitler.
  • Redemption Equals Death: Chapter 8. Along with...
  • Redemption Equals Sex: Alongside Rip.
  • Sacrificial Lamb: In the fight against Walter.
  • Shout-Out:
    • Her abilities are constantly referred to as "metaphoring," which is a reference to a deleted article (referenced here) on the SCP Foundation about a mask that "metaphors" people until they die.
    • They are also refered to as "Inceptioning." Complete with Carl having a top, which for some reason does not fall in illusions.
  • They Plotted a Perfectly Good Waste: She dies one chapter after joining Hecksing's forces.
  • The Unintelegible: Downplayed. She occasionally talks using a variety of Homestuck-esque quirks, but her speech is still comprehencible. Sweet Jade and Hella John, on the other hand?
  • Wake-Up Call Boss: See Rip's entry.
  • The Worf Effect: Getting defeated by Walter in chapter 8 with little to no effort.
  • You Keep Using That Word: Ignoring the more obvious example of "metaphoring" being used for the same thing, the story refers to her abilities as "inceptioning." Inception means the start of something, or in the case of the movie its named after (Carl's "inception top" confirming that it is indeed an Inception reference out-universe) the implementation of an idea. She's not doing any of that; instead, she's just trying to fool people into thinking an illusion is real. ...But that in turn describes the Inception movie pretty well.

Master Chief/Kamina

Four vampires? 3 of them hot chiks? This is gonna be SWEAT!

After Alucard's death, Integra took a trip to New York in order to find a replacement for him. While there, she was attacked by a giant mutant Homer Simpson, but he was defeated by an unknown person, whom Integra hired as the replacement. The person turned out to be the Master Chief, who in turn would later reveal to be Kamina.

  • The Cameo: The reveal of him as Kamina.
  • Didn't Think This Through: Carl calls him out for his "plan" to look for Major and Schrodinger:
    Carl: KAMINA GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HER IN YOUR CRAFT WHAT THE HECK WAS YOU THINKING SERCHING FOR A TELEPORTER?!
  • Flat Character: As the "Master Chief," he has next to no characterization aside from being a generic party dude at one scene. (Which provides the page quote.) He doesn't really get anything as Kamina, either.
  • Idiot Ball: See Didn't Think This Through. He normally doesn't seem to be that dumb.
  • The Quiet One: As the Chief. And that's saying something; the second most silent character is arguably Rip, who still occasionally babbles about some stuff.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: It's even more blatant than with Carl.
  • Walking Spoiler: Because of his real identity, and his reason for joining Hecksing in the first place.
  • The Worf Effect: He dies just before the Final Boss to demonstrate Hitler's life drain abilities.

The Hecksing Guards/Wild Geese/Pikmin

Originally, Hecksing had a number of guards, but they were all wiped out when the Valentine brothers attacked them. They were replaced by the Wild Geese shortly after Carl accidentally killed their leader Pip and became the new leader, but eventually they died in the "Invasion" from Zorin and Rip. Finally, after dealing with one mission and one tough lawyer without any other help, they got Pikmin during their fight against the Titan Mecha to assist them, and even though many of them were blown up at first, the Pikmin remained as Hecksing's guards even up until the Distant Finale.

  • Red Shirt Army: While the Pikmin do have some of their numbers remain alive (likely thanks to the Onions giving potential to near-infinite numbers of them, or at least a much faster method of reproduction), the Geese and the guards have no such luck.
  • Remember the New Guy: The guards were never implied to have existed prior to chapter 2. When they start getting slaughtered.
  • Too Dumb to Live: One of the guards falls for Jan and Luke's Mario and Luigi masks. Thanks to that act of stupidity, they all die, and Jan loses an arm... which is bad for Hecksing because it convinced Doc to give him Kanaya and Equius's replacement prosthetic arm that leads to Alucard's death.

Walter

See Millennium folder, below.

    Millennium 

The Millennium in general provide examples of:

  • Demoted to Extra: Pretty much everyone who isn't Jan, Rip, or arguably Zorin. They get much less screentime than their canon counterparts on average, and that's counting this story's much shorter length in proportion.
  • Monster Mash: They consist of several vampires, a magical sharpshooter "demon queen", a witch, a quantum catboy, a "God fiter" werewolf, a fallen angel, a mad scientist, and a robot. Also, counting Hitler, a snake-man.
  • Retcon: They no longer blow up any agents who fail but survive their mission. This shows to be important to the plot; Jan would later decoy and kill Alucard while Rip and Zorin would partake in the "invashon" and later join Hecksing. If the latter were to happen the the chips didn't have the self-destruct feature, said two members would be destroyed immediately. Or, Jan would have actually died instead of being used for the robo-arm project, and Rip would succeed in charming Alucard.
  • Show Within a Show: They run one.
  • Those Two Bad Guys: They seem to be partnered up ala the Akasuki: Jan and Luke (the siblings); "Card Guy" and Schrodinger (the odd ones out); Rip and Zorin (the only females); Captain and Walter (one apparently trains the other or something); and Major and Doctor (Big Bad and The Dragon). Captain and Rip, two Platonic Life Partners, were also once partnered up before the events of the fan fic.
  • Those Wacky Nazis: A statement actually said in the Show Within a Show in chapter 5.
  • We Hardly Knew Ye: Luke, "Card Guy," and the Captain being the primary offenders. Although there were a few hologram scenes with the latter one, and he even had a small role in the Show Within a Show.

The Major/The Leader

KILLIN IS TEH AWSOME!

The main leader of the Millennium.

  • Acrofatic: Probably one of the quickest and most agile humans, despite sharing his canon appearance and even being described as having "man titties."
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: He has a pretty long, entire chapter dedicated to fighting him. While Doctor and Hitler also get a chapter to themselves, Doctor is assisted with the Titan Mecha and Hitler goes down in the shortest chapter in GPF history. He can put up with Carl, Rip, Seras, and the Chief/Kamina easily, being able to dodge exploding bullets and do backflips. Finally, he has a pretty impresive arsonal.
  • Badass Normal: Can take three vampires and the Master Cheif on in a fight by himself. It takes strategy to kill him.
  • Big Bad.
  • Blood Knight: Openly admits that war gives him an erection.
  • Crossdresser: His role as the mother in a Show Within a Show, as pointed out several times.
  • Everyone Calls Him Barkeep: Twice. First as "Leader" when only his hologram was showing, then as "Major" once he's actually revealed.
  • Rousing Speech: You know his infamous "I love war" speech? Yeah, it's shortened down to only ten words.
    "I like war. It makes my penis nice and hard."
  • Verbal Tic: He always replaces "you" and variants with "Jew." There are times where he doesn't, but it can be assumed that that is a mistake on either the fake-author or Pikmin Fan's part.

Dr. The Doctor

Im afade i cant help you w/ that.

Now promoted to Millennium's second in command.

The Captain

SEND ME. I GOD FITER.

Millennium's self-proclaimed "trump card" and good fighter. He's the Major's talkative, emotional werewolf bodyguard who tends to wear a full SS uniform. He wishes to do most, if not all, of the dirty work. The Captain finally gets his wish when he is sent on the Quimby capture, but is shortly after shot and killed by the Chief.

In the epilogue, it has been revealed that Rip turned him into a familiar and somehow got him to work for the side of Hecksing. Because this is not until the very end, however, he will be placed in the Millennium character sheet.

His actions done exclusively in Carl Stevens Universe go on that page. This covers himself in both CSU and HUC, as CSU is essentially a spinoff of HUC.

  • Anti-Climax: For Millennium's trump card, he goes down really quick.
  • Ascended Extra: Averted when it comes to this story; played straight when you compare this to Carl Stevens Universe.
  • Back for the Finale: It turns out that Rip went back to the Grand Canyon between chapters 9 and 10 and drank his blood. He later reappears as a familiar in chapter 13.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: His "actor" tells kids not to eat random mushrooms from the ground after David Haselhoff reveals that mushrooms are why he's big. Since he's dead, there are three other people in the scene, and kids likely won't be reading this in the first place, and that not eating random food in the wild is an obvious lesson, it is odd why this happens in the first place.
  • The Dragon: Not anymore.
  • Man Child: This version of acts very much so.
  • Motor Mouth: He talks a lot, in complete contrast to his canon self.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: He can fly. As in, he can actually take off into the air in his wolf form and fly.
  • No Indoor Voice: He almost always talks in ALL CAPS. The first time he speaks in lower case (unless you count an "accidental" turning off of caps lock in the short Show Within a Show in chapter 5) was not until chapter 8, his proper introduction. This was lampshaded.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: A lot of talk, but little to no action.
  • The Stoner: Along with Rip, before they were in the Millennium.

Walter

Ha ha ha i told them i no Millennium AND THEY BELIFFED ME!

Hecksing's butler who soon revealed himself to be working for the Millennium.

  • Back for the Dead: He regenerates as a fallen angel, only to get ran over by Integra almost immediately after.
  • Bloody Murder: He uses Mayor Quimby's blood as a weapon briefly during chapter 8.
  • Demoted to Extra: Not only does he get very little screentime under the guise of working for Hecksing, but after his reveal he completely vanishes for three chapters, and when he returns he's treated as equals with the other villains in terms of how long the fight goes.
  • Fallen Angel: "Angel of Death" is not just a nickname.
  • Foregone Conclusion: You just know he's going to betray Hecksing. Especially with all the extremely obvious hints. The only thing that could be considered shocking was when he betrayed them.
  • Foreshadowing: Not counting the number of times he specifically claims he's not part of the Millennium. Him telling Jan that he is also known as the Angel of Death. Six chapters later, it is revealed that that isn't just some fancy nickname he has from killing villains.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: He can "see without eyes." He uses this to get a note on where Zorin is, and uses Quimby's blood to kill her. Him having the ability to utilize Quimby's blood alone counts, as well as the reveal that he is a fallen angel — even if he doesn't do anything with it.
  • One-Winged Angel: Subverted. He turns out to be a fallen angel, but all he does after that is get ran over by Integra.
  • Paper-Thin Disguise: How he acts as a spy.
  • Remember the New Guy/Second Episode Introduction: For some reason, he wasn't seen or even mentioned in the first chapter. Probably because the focus on the actual Hecksing manor was limited to: Alucard on Fakebook, and Seras just after her transformation before Integra orders her and Alucard to stop Anderson.
  • The Stations of the Canon: Again, him betraying Hecksing was near-inevidable shortly after his first appearance when he denys that he works for them.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: He would like to remind you that he has no connections with the Millennium at all. Nope, none at all.
  • The Untwist: invokedParodied with the way he acts.
  • Walking Spoiler: Not so much HUC as canon. Here's hoping you read the manga or watched the OVAs, because Walter working for the Millennium is still part of the storyline!

Schrodinger/Catboy

YOU CANT KILL ME! I QUANTOM FISICKS!

The Millennium's messenger. He can't die, because he is quantum physics.

  • Beware the Silly Ones: Hello there, the only Millennium member who doesn't betray them that managed to outlive Major! And is the key to killing Hitler!
  • Cat Boy: No duh. It's even what he's called until the fake-author bothers to remember his canon name.
  • Everyone Calls Him Barkeep: Until later in the story, he was only called "Catboy," presumably thanks to the difficulty in spelling out his name. At least the fake-author is honest about thinking they'll screw it up.
  • Logic Bomb: Literally blows up himself and Hitler after the latter takes a bit of him and drains his life.
  • Made of Explodium: Explodes since Hitler draining his life (apparantly working in a similar process to when Alucard/Seras/Rip/etc eats people) makes him think he doesn't exist or something.
  • Offscreen Teleportation: Averted. In this fan fic, he can teleport on screen. Using fairy dust.
  • The Unfought: Hecksing never fights him directly, with the exception of Seras randomly charging at him and "killing" him. Specifically, he never gets a chapter devoted to battling him, while the rest of the Millennium gets one (counting chapter 11 as a battle with the Doctor), and Rip, Zorin, and Jan get three.

Tubalcain "Card Guy" Alhambra

Wanna see my card triks?

The Millennium's dude in Brazil. Because every successful organization has one.

  • Back for the Dead: A line-less, actionless mention during chapter 4, where Alucard uses him along with his other familiars to try to take down Jan. And since Alucard is dead, that makes him and the others Deader than Dead (as it was revealed Jan did not drink Alucard's blood.)
  • Fridge Logic: Invoked. The Millennium's hideout is in the Grand Canyon in this fic, not Brazil. So why the hell do they need someone in Brazil in the first place? Why are they even bothering with a plan to launch a surprise attack on Brazil when the goal is to invade "The United Kingdoms of London?"
  • Too Dumb to Live: He openly admits he's a part of the Millennium after Carl asks him so.

Jan Valentine

U mad?

Initially one of the Millennium's two hitmen sent to "test" out Hecksing's forces. However, he manages to escape, but with a missing arm, so the Doctor gives him a powerful synthetic arm and assigns him to guard the Millennium's hideout. He disobeys, taking a mission intended for Rip and ultimately leads to Alucard's demise.

  • An Arm and a Leg: He loses an arm thanks to Walter, and gets a replacement prosthetic arm created by Kanaya and Equius (as revealed in Housestuck) even though Doctor took credit for it.
  • Back for the Dead: He survives the first manor invasion and gets a new upgrade... just to get blown up the next chapter he appears in. But then it turns out that he survived the explosion because his roboarm has a shield — only to get killed for real after that.
  • Beware the Silly Ones: This vulgar, Ax-Crazy madman who seems to have no powers by himself? He's the one who killed Alucard, although with the help of Doctor, and as revealed in HHC, Kanaya and Equius.
  • Bloody Hilarious: He seems to think so. He uses Rip's paintbrush to paint a penis out of blood.
  • Deadpan Snarker: It's not evident in his first appearance, but comes chapter 4 where he randomly referrences Bugs Bunny (but not the blackface one since it's racist), tricks Rip into taking a Nazicopter (which provides his quote), mocks Alucard's appearance, and in chapter 8 where he starts insulting Carl and the Chief.
  • Onor Before Reason: He'd rather cause a massive suicide explosion than fight his own brother. This doesn't really make sense, but neither does much of SBIG.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: He prevented the Millennium from controlling Alucard. Think about it.
  • Not-So-Harmless Villain: He kills Alucard. Well, technically, that was because of something made by Kanaya, Equius, and Doctor, but still.
  • Off the Rails: In the first season, this was the guy that started the plotline to truely diverge from Hellsing's manga/OVA storyline and keep going from there. Starting with him not getting killed in the Valentine invasion and later going on the mission intended for Rip. Carl doesn't count, as back then he was essentially an obnoxious Pip clone.
  • Recurring Boss: He's fought a total of three times, unlike the other villains who are only fought once. (Although Rip and Zorin get a three-parter devoted to their battle, likely to keep in line with the OVAs though.)
  • Shout-Out: To the Spongebob Squarepants Movie, taking the role of Dennis when he attacks Spongebob and Patrick on their way back to Bikini Bottom.
  • Stuff Blowing Up: His arm has a self-destruct feature capable of splitting an entire aircraft carrier into four and killing Alucard. (Strangely, his tank is able to survive it.)
  • Troll: Right down to asking "U mad?" He's also incredibly calm against Alucard, to the point where he laughs at his familiar army.
  • Villainous Breakdown: Averted even moreso than the other characters. He openly mocks Alucard. When they are face to face. After he has unleashed all of his familiars.

Luke Valentine

Uh oh im starting to thik THIS IS BAD IDEA.

The other hitmen and Jan's brother. While Jan escapes Hecksing Manor, Luke is killed by Alucard in a very humiliating battle.

  • Back for the Dead: See Card Guy.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: It's even worse than in canon. We're talking a fight that isn't even so much a fight as it is a Chase Scene.
  • Super Speedo.
  • Villainous Breakdown: See his quote. Also doubles as an understatement. He's notably the only character to face Alucard who does this.Note 

The Titan Mecha

A mechanical device build by the Doctor. Him, Major, and Schodinger ride it at the beginning of the "Final Season."

Not technically a character, since it is inanimate.

Hitler Badguy/"The Overseer"

belittle? al's ALWWAYS been littel, eh!

Not a technical part of Millennium, as he does oversee a wide variety of "evil organizations," but still leads the Millennium.

As his last name implies, Hitler Badguy is a relative to Alucard — specifically, his abusive older sibling who wanted him to grow up to become a villain like he is. Alucard, then at a young age, refused, so Hitler punched him across an ocean and into the United Kingdoms of London, where Alucard would then live out the rest of his life with Integra.

He appears in chapter 17 of Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals in his hologram form, first to inform Doc Scratch about his leave to the United Kingdoms of London before observing the fight he has against the Rainbow Crew shortly after. Scratch, and later the narrative, refer to him as "the Overseer," as this is supposed to keep his name a spoiler for HUC. (In case one wants to read through both Crconikals stories chronologically.) After Scratch hijacks the Crew's mecha horse, Hitler gives the Rainbow Crew a demotivational speech before vanishing.

  • Abusive Older Sibling: To Alucard.
  • Anti-Climax Boss: Invoked. Chapter 12 was supposed to be the big showdown between the remainder of Hecksing and him. Instead, it only lasts a little more than ten lines, and is the shortest chapter by far as he goes down by accidentally bitting Schrodinger.
  • Ascended Extra: His technical last appearance in SBIG (going by the story's starting dates) was Zombie Attack!, where he was just another mook summoned by the Kanker Sisters in a blatant attempt at Godwin's Law. He went from lineless, quickly-killed cameo to Bigger Bad over just one story.
  • Big Brother Bully: Again, to Alucard. He overlaps this with Abusive Parents as he seems to be the closest thing Alucard had to a father figure, with zero mentioning of their actual parents.
  • Bigger Bad: While he is the final major foe Hecksing fights and the one who overlooks all of the Hitler Revival Groups, the Major is the one who comes up with most of the schemes Hecksing has to fight against.
  • Canada, Eh?: He has a really thick Canadian accent for a reason that is never explained.
  • Chekhov's Gunman: He appears in hologram form in chapter 1, but doesn't reappear until the end of chapter 11.
  • Composite Character: His backstory with Alucard is similar to Eddy's brother, with the "Al" and the superiority bits drawing from Alejandro's brother Jose (see Expy below), he has Eridan Ampora's typing style, he's an arrogant person with a sterotypical Canadian accent like Ezekiel, and he bears Orochimaru's snake theme (Orochimaru himself having yet to appear in HHC, although Naruto, Team Seven, and some of the characters from the Wave Village arc did). Kanaya also thinks he's similar to Alucard, even when all she can see of him is his hologram.
  • Critical Research Failure: Invoked. Just look at his name.
  • Expy: Of several people, actually. Eddy's brother, Eridan, Ezekiel, and Jose.
  • Godwin's Law: He is revealed to be behind Millennium. And to be Alucard's abuser. And to have caused World War One along with Two.
  • Hijacked by Ganon: Averted in Housestuck: While he is Scratch's superior, his speech to Scratch at the end of chapter 17 of Housestuck imply that Scratch's actions were of his own plans, and that Hitler is simply overseeing him. In fact, aside from the Omega Drew Pickles portion, there is little to no use of the Felt being a Hitler Revival Group being done so far.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: He ends up getting killed by the last member of the Millennium through an accident. Also, his own life-drain skill caused that.
  • Knight of Cerebus: Downplayed.
    • He is treated more seriously than most of the other villains in-universe — Major with his "man titties," eating a sandwhich while waiting for Hecksing to reach him, joking "Sup" to them before breaking their helicopter, said helicopter break featuring a random comparason to Sonic 06, and his comical death; Doctor being Distracted by the Sexy once; Captain being... this version of Captain — and the story kind of gets darker on his appearance, but out-universe it's hard to take a snake-man version of Hitler that talks in a really thick Canadian accent seriously.
    • Downplayed slightly less in his appearance in the end of Housestuck's fifth season. He's not revealed as Hitler in that story (yet) or that he's part snake (yet), so in that context the only humorous thing about him is pretty much his accent. He also downright tells the Rainbow Crew that they are all actually pretty weak.
  • Man Behind the Man.
  • Phonetic Accent: Maybe? This is probably why his words are written in such a weird manner, though he and Dracula are unique in this regard.
  • Snake People: He is revealed in his introduction to have became one at some point in his life. The specifics as to how and why he became a snake-person is unclear, but he's the only confirmed one in the entire Crconikals universe so far. And that's an acheivement, seeing how much weird crap exists there.
  • Ultimate Evil: He spends most of this story and all of the spinoff Housestuck so far being completely unseen outside of his hologram form. And, true to a variation of the trope, he is seen just before being fought late into HUC. As for the "ultimate evil" name, well... he is a characterization of a very infamous Real Life figure, and in-story he is the overseer of about half of the villains seen in the entire Crconikals series thusfar.
  • The Unintelligible: His talking style (how it comes up on the story) is bizarre and incomprehencible even compared to the rest of this story.
  • vverbal tooc: He talks oon a redicooloosly thick canadioon accoont, replooces soome vvoowwels with "oo," and doobles hoos "Vs" and "Ws," eh. The last part is notably part of Eridan's typing method, to which he also talks with. (His sentences are not capitalized and he refers to characters — notably Alucard — by their first syllable.)
  • Walking Spoiler: Man Behind the Man and a guy who is responsible for at least one of the character's backstories. In fact, the only details that are revealed are unspoiled because they are given away in the first chapter or in the flashback Integra has.
  • Was Once a Man: As with Alucard being a human before he seeked Rip and got transformed, he too was once a normal human being before he transformed himself into a life-draining snake man somehow.
  • The Worf Effect: Not only is he much better than Alucard, but he also insta-kills Kamina on his first proper appearance.

Rip Van Winkle and Zorin Blitz

See the Hecksing folder, above.

    Other 

Mayor Quimby

er a um, thonk you for sving us. er a um, BUT YOU FORGET TO PUT CLOS ON FIRST!

He's the presedent of the United Kingdoms of London. Yeah.

  • Designated Hero: invokedLampshaded. He's implied to have done more bad than good, and the fic out-and-out states he speaks in a "corrupt" accent.
  • Emergency Transformation: By Carl, as he was almost dying from the blood Walter stole from him.
  • Remember the New Guy: He isn't introduced or even implied to exist until chapter 8, but afterwhich he gets a heavty ammount of screen time and plot role in every following chapter except 12.
  • Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Of Integra, after her death.
  • Verbal Tic: er a um, he always begins his sentences with a stutter. er a um, the annoying thing is that it isn't capitalized.

Lawyer Guy

A man (actually a liquid metal robot) who, as his name implies, acts as a lawyer. At first. He's really just an assasin for both Hecksing and Hitler Revival Groups.

It's revealed in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals to work for the Troll Empress.

The Jury

Ten (that's right, not twelve) people who have observed the trial in chapter 9, and ran away after Lawyer Guy began attacking Hecksing. They are confirmed to have a role in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, and John and Jade are already central protagonists. Consisting of John, Jade, Ed, Eddy (Edd notably being absent), Sonic the Hedgehog, Cartman, Mega Man (Classic), Naruto, Ichigo, (refered to as "Bleach") and Luffy. ("Monkey.")

Once there is a character sheet for Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, they will be moved over there instead.

  • Ascended Extra: John and Jade become the stars of their own story, along with the other Homestuck characters. The other eight members of the jury also get to appear and (sort of) have their distinct personalities, highlighted in season four although Ichigo debuted a bit earlier.
  • Back for the Finale: John and Jade reappear on a TV program in the epilogue. The others, though, are limited to being part of the quick run through of where everybody is.
  • Brother-Sister Incest: John and Jade hooked up. Although possibly a subversion if you read HUC before HHC, as they don't really seem to be siblings at all in this universe.
  • The Ditz: Sonic, with his inability to tell that the buxom see-through outfit-clad Rip is a woman. Housestuck does not help prove otherwise.
  • I Am Not Shazam: invokedIchigo and Luffy are Bleach and Monkey respecively. This carries over to HHC, at least for the former and at least up until season 4.
  • Took a Level in Dumbass: Sonic, compared to his canon incarnation.

Ned Flanders

Wogly wogly Mr Badguy!

The leader of Heavensing.

  • Anti-Magic: He and Integra have both somehow set up a spell that keeps all vampires who are not part of either of their organizations out.
  • Crack Pairing: Invoked, with Anderson. No, we don't get it either, but in this fan fic they're in a relationship.
  • Driven to Suicide: After Anderson's death.
  • For the Evulz: Honestly, he has no reason to betray Hecksing at all.
  • Lone Wolf Boss: Even though almost all of the story is focused on Hecksing and Millennium's conflict, he begins with almost no ties apart from both Heavensing and Millennium being Hitler Revival Groups. And even so, Housestuck implies that HRGs rarely if ever interact with eachother that much.
  • Shout-Out: One of his lines is one to Bart The General, listed up as his quote. It must run in the organization, since First Boss also quotes Homer upon seeing Alucard. ("Who is this guy? Hmmmm?")
  • We Hardly Knew Ye.
  • Villain of the Week: Just serves as a first villain for Alucard to fight.

Alexander Anderson

And the god said to the Jesus LET THERE BE NO VAMPIRES, and so that is wy ALL VAMPIRS MUST DIE!

Heavensing's trump card.

  • Back for the Dead: See Card Guy.
  • Badass Gay: He, who is suddenly revealed to be dating Flanders, actually manages to land a surprise attack on Alucard and chop off his head. Flanders might count, too, but most of what he likely did was offscreen.
  • Crack Pairing: Again, invoked. For some reason, he's paired up with Ned Flanders.
  • Curse Cut Short: "NO WAT THE FU." Keep in mind that characters and even the narrator swear regularly in later chapters, although Anderson is dead by that point.
  • Demoted to Extra: Not nearly as important as in the original series. At all.
  • Disk One Final Boss: "Final boss of the fan fic" is a total lie.
  • Gosh Dangit to Heaven: "WHAT THE HEVEN? nOT AGAIN WITH THIS aLUCARD! wHAT ARE YOU, INVISIBLE?"
  • Hypocrite: He's against vampires... and yet in this fic, the vampire priest that attacked the village (forest in this fan fic due to Adaptation Decay) is a part of the same organization.
  • Precision F-Strike: Subverted. He's about to drop an F-bomb in the first chapter before Alucard cuts him off. Though this doesn't stop other people from swearing.
  • Religion is Magic: He can fly around in bibles.
  • Van Helsing Hate Crimes: It — and his and Flanders' betrayal — makes Alucard sick. And Carl.
  • Verbal Tic: As with Alucard loving to say "Heck" (notably not Integra, despite the Heck name being relevant to her all her life), he seems to like saying "Heaven" in place of hell. What the heaven?
  • Villain of the Week: Like Flanders, he's just the villain for the first chapter.
  • Villainous Breakdown: It's so servere that the author forgot they were using caps already, and thus hit "shift" at the start of each sentence, resulting in inverse capitalization. Said quote is in Gosh Dangit to Heaven, above.

First Boss

A vampire priest Alucard had to kill because he was attacking the city of Ch— er, no. Because he was attacking a forest for some reason. He is later revealed to be Heavensing's sole actual vampire and one of their three members, which explains how he got around the barrier Flanders and Integre set up that keeps all vampires who aren't part of Hecksing or Heavensing out.

Vatican Section 666

A group split off from Heavensing, and one of the three Hitler Revival Groups seen on-screen in HUC (alongside Millennium and Heavensing). They attempt to revive Hitler's groups thirty years after the events of the first 12 chapters.

  • Ass Shove: Heinkel gets her bullets shoved up there, as a consequence for trying to mess with a significantly more powerful Rip.
  • Badass Decay: Invoked. Maxwell's methods of slaughtering London are much weaker than how he does it in canon. They get beaten up by Pikmin, of all things.
  • Book Ends: An evil religious group being both the first and last people to be seen battled by Hecksing.
  • Cowboy Bebop at His Computer: Invoked. Their military is mistakenly referred to as "KKK members," based on how they dressed.
  • Fridge Logic: Invoked. Why would a catholic organization name themselves with the Number of the Beast?
  • Demoted to Extra: All three of them.
  • Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: Heinkel, courtesy of Rip.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Heinkel thinks she is invincible, because she is just as strong as Anderson, who was killed by Alucard — but both Alucard and his killer are dead. His killer's killer (Carl) still being alive isn't discussed. Though Rip does seem to play along with her logic and brags about being the person who made Alucard into a vampire.
  • Katanas Are Just Better: Yumie. She even babbles about her katana while Seras prepares to face her.
  • Killed Mid-Sentence: Yumie.
  • Large Ham: Yumie.
    "HA HA HA! I HAVE A KATANA OF AWSOMENESS AND I WIL USE IT TO KILL OFF ALL YOUR VAMPERER IDIOTS BY THE CUTTINGS OF THE HEAD AND-" *Her head is swiped off by Seras.*
  • Number of the Beast: Take a wild guess.
  • Plot-Relevant Age-Up: Inverted. Taking the beginning of the fic as the "present" and the Distant Finale as the "future," they were aged down so that they would be the same age as they were in canon after the time skip. Due to Carl, Seras, Rip, and Captain all being immortal by this point, they do not have this problem.
  • Villain of the Week: They don't serve much other than a group of antagonists that Hecksing faces in the epilogue to show how they are now.
  • We Hardly Knew Ye: Killed off shortly after their introduction.

Dracula

Alucard went to him to try to turn himself into a vampire. It didn't work.

Pip B.

The original leader of the Wild Geese before Carl accidentally kills him and takes over.

Giant David Hasselhoff

Appears to transport Carl, Master Chief, and Quimby back to London.

Ren & Stimpy

Not technical characters, but do appear through Show Within a Show.

In their appearances in both, or just Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals:

  • Back for the Finale: First appear in chapter 2, and are never mentioned again until Rip's award show in the epilogue.
  • The Cameo: Twice.
  • Cowboy Bebop at His Computer: In chapter 13, Rip (and the fan fic) credits the creator as Matt Groening, rather than John Kricfalusi. Odd, since the clip in the same chapter shows knowledge of John K's "never use the same expression twice" standard. Also odd, because this is Rip we're talking about, who is the fan fic's Only Sane Woman to the extent that she knows more than the faux-alter ego writing the story.
  • Getting Carp Past The Radar: In-universe. Explicitly stated in bold, no less.
    • The second clip has an uncensored use of the F word, which makes you wonder how the show got accepted in the first place.
  • Gross Out Show: Just like the real show.
  • Nausea Fuel: Invoked. Ren eats a sandwich with semen in it in the first clip. Quite possibly the most disturbing moment in the entire fan fic, even for a Hellsing fic and even though the clip was only three lines.
  • Precision F-Strike: Stimpy drops an F-bomb on the second clip. And this was supposed to be broadcasted on a kids award show! And Ren and Stimpy itself was a kid's show.
  • Shout-Out: To a scene from early The Simpsons that used them. The first R&S clip is modeled off of that part, only with a sandwich rather than meatball soup.
  • Show Within a Show: Exist in one.
  • Stunned Silence: Ren's reaction when Stimpy implies what the sandwich is made out of. Well, that and making a face of "crazy and ANGER."
  • What Do You Mean, It's for Kids?: In universe. And how. Quite amusing, since the fan fic itself parodies this trope.

In their appearance in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals:

  • Continuity Nod: The fact that their show is aknowledged in the perspective of HHC.
  • Up to Eleven: Their clip in this is far more... "extreme" than their appearances in HUC. Given that the second clip in HUC took place thirty years after the clip in HHC, this isn't so much an "over time" thing so much as it is an authoral thing.

Noah

He's from a different anime.

HarvesterCharacterSheets/Troper WorksHidden Heroes

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