"Hm interesting i can use this broken hitrent as a boost for my tank witch Wil then make me abel to fly using rocket boosters so i can go to forrest and figt the vampers and live up to my organizaton name and UNLEESH HECK on the badguys of corse witch is why my last name is badguy aktualy it is not the reeson why but i do not rilly follow my family name i am aktualy a goodguy but for why im caled badguy is my family name; and i have bad past with my family who iis real badguy and gav me a badtime and showd he was badguy on me during the time i had in the past way back dering the past when i was kid but that aanother story taht I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIT NOW."
-Alucard, chapter 1.
Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals (Which is supposed to be Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles; not Hellsing) is the third entry the Stylistic SuckSBIG series by Great Pikmin Fan and the first one longer than a one-shot to be completed.note Also of note, Zombie Attack!, the work before HUC, ended on a Cliff Hanger Unlike its other installments, this one actually follows the story of the original canon of Hellsing at first before slowly turning into an unusual adventure.Alucard Badguy is a powerful vampire who kills other, evil vampires by the word of Integra Heck. Then, one fatefull night during an attack of a forest, he ends up needing to do an Emergency Transformation to Seras Victoria. Finding out that the vampire who caused this was a part of a former co-organization Heavensing, Integra then sends Alucard and the newly vamperized Seras to "SERCH AND DESTROY TOES TRADERS." After a short battle, a spell that was keeping out all non-Hecksing or Heavensing vampires is broken with the death of Heavensing's leader... Ned Flanders (yes, you read that right), who commited suicide after Alucard killed his lover Father Alexander Anderson (yes, you read that right too). With this spell broken, the mysterious Millennium are now free to wreek havok (or, rather, UNLEESH HECK [sic]) on the United Kingdoms of London. For most of the following chapters, Hecksing has to foil the various plans of the Millennium.Also involved is a martian rockster Parody Stu, Carl, who's a blatant reference toCharlie Sheen/Charlie Harper, the Major crossdressing as a part of a Show Within a Show, a giant, mutant Homer Simpson, a giant, non-mutant David Hasselhoff, and Rip Van Winkle becoming an overly sexualized Ms. Fanservice.A semi-sequel, Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, was released on the annaversary of HUC's first chapter. It takes place in the same universe as HUC, and focuses on the Homestuck characters, as well as elaborating a little more on the rest of the chapter 9 jury and the world in general. First through means of taking place in the same general timespan as the events of HUC, but as of the end of its fifth season, it's going to start going forewards past chapter 12. (13 being a Distant Finale.) There is also a sort of Crossover, Carl Stevens Universe, where the members of Hecksing who survived in HUC (Carl, Seras, Rip, and the Captain) get into a bit of a quarrel with the Crystal Gems.
This fan fic provides examples of:
Acrofatic: Major can apparently run up walls, do improbable backflips, and dodge exploding bullets, as he does in chapter 11.
Adolf Hitler: It's a badfic of a series with Nazis as the main villains. Him being the Bigger Bad is kind of a given.
Aerith and Bob: Hecksing consists of, at one point or another, Integra, Seras, Alucard, Rip, Zorin, Kamina, and... Carl. And this is especially weird because Carl is a Martian, and thus the most exotic member of Hecksing by an entire planet.
Affectionate Parody: It starts out as a parody of badly written Total Drama fan fics. Later chapters still carry (unintentional) elements of this, though not nearly as much.
All Men Are Perverts: Carl, Quimby, and side character John Egbert's character within a show (HHC reveals that he himself isn't exactly perverted, but he flirts with everyone) show this. Carl is constantly hitting on every woman we sees and ogoling several others, Quimby is an outright womanizer, and John's character peeks up the skirt of Jade's character during said show.
Anti-Climax: It would be easier to list which battles aren't: Zorin and Rip vs Seras and Carl; Seras, Zorin, and Rip vs Walter; and Hecksing vs Lawyer Guy. Perhaps the worst by far is Hecksing vs Hitler.
Anyone Can Die: The number of important characters left alive can be counted on one hand. Barely, though.Spoilers, obviously Carl, Seras, Rip, Quimby, and technically the Captain.
Artifact Title: The pun of "Hellsing Ultimate" stops making sense after chapter 7. The following chapters not only do not corrspond to an OVA, but also go off on a completely different storyline.
Non-Indicative Name: The "Hecksing"/"Hellsing" part, however, never makes much sense in the first place. Alucard's back story and the Hellsing family is gone — including Integra actually encountering Alucard in the first place, which is replacted with a simple Crash into Hello. And, as you can imagine, Van Helsing has absolutely nothing to do with this story in any way whatsoever. Integra's last name, changed or not, is pretty much the only reason why this story is named the way it is. And even then she dies off in chapter 9.
Artistic License - Geography: Invoked. England is referred to as the "United Kingdoms of London," and in early chapter 8 (it changes and gets ret-conned mid-chapter, oddly) the author belives that the Grand Canyon was a part of Germany.
Alucard. His kill of Edward implies that he sometimes kills vampires just for being weak, their status as good or evil doesn't matter. This only raises the question of how he expects vampires to be strong. Housestuck makes it worse, as it's revealed that Edward was killed while he was on a harmless date.
Integra forces her comandees to let over four hundred mooks slaughter the United Kingdoms of London in chapter 8. The very next chapter, she gets killed by Lawyer Guy.
Author Appeal: Great Pikmin Fan likes Total Drama, Homestuck (starting after he published chapter 4), and as his username implies Pikmin. Let's just leave it at that. Pikmin Fan also apparantly doesn't like modern Simpsons, openly mocking it in one of the first lines of the fan fic and killing or near-killing (in Quimby's case) every character from that series to appear except Wiggim (who is revealed to have died in Housestuck anyway). The sexual variant of this trope is parodied with Rip.
Author Tract: Parodied. At the end of chapter 9, Carl, for no reason, gives a short rant against aboriton. Despite the fact that abortion was never mentioned before.
Ass Pull: Invoked with the Pikmin in chapter 10. Just where did they come from?
Babies Ever After: Averted for Hecksing. Played straight with background characters John and Jade, although that's due to the incest joke.
Back for the Dead: Walter in chapter 8, as well as everyone whom Alucard ate in chapter 4.
Bishōnen: The fan fic describes Alucard and Luke as this. To the extent that when Alucard kills Luke, he says "Ar, there be only won bishie in this fan fic!" Carl, though, is not bishonen, and the narrator would like to point out.
Black Comedy Rape: Discussed but never played straight. (HUC is supposed to be lighthearted afterall.) When Walter and Captain kidnap Quimby, Quimby asks if they're going to "coitus him". Walter answeres with "ew no..."
Bottle Episode: Chapter 12 is by far the shortest chapter in the entire fan fic and just something to knock out of the way while the author plans the grand finale of chapter 13. Except that 12 was supposed to be the grand showdown against Hitler.
Brother-Sister Incest: For side characters. "John and JAde made a sucessful TV series based on ther pasrt intrests Nick Cage Squidels and Ed Edd and Eddy the Mis-Edcventures. Also the 2 got maried and have kids, but they also have genderbend clones after a lab expiriment wqent wrong. John's clon is Jean and Jade's is Jude."
Bus Crash: What happened to Sonic. And Cartman, but at least he got an explanation.
Captain Ersatz: Alucard (and later, Carl) of John Freeman. Complete with having a vehicle where it shouldn't be (in Al's case, a tank).
Canser Bars: In the finale. Also probably what obscures Rip when her clothing becomes see-through.
Characterization Marches On: The entire first season barely had any consistency with its characters compared to how they would be later on. Seras was actually rational at first, Carl was more of a perverted asshole and way more Genre Savvy than the other characters, and Rip acted like an idiot (which makes less sense considering how she acts as a sane, intelligent guide to Seras in chapter 8).
Chekhov's Gun: Alucard's tank after it fell into the ocean unharmed in chapter 4. To be fair, it did mention the tank as "waiting".
Chekhov's Gunman: Ed, Eddy, and Sonic appear as part of the jury in chapter 9, and within the same chapter they provide rides for Hecksing while they're running away/chasing Lawyer Guy. Sadly, the other sevenWho are John, Jade,Ichigo,Naruto, Luffy,Eric Cartman, and Mega Man. And yes, there's ten of them total, not twelve. don't do anything noteworthy for the fan fic and only have a small mention in the epilogue. (Except John and Jade, a clip of their show was seen during Rip's award hosting.)
Crack Fic: Adolf Hitler as a life-draining snakeman who can summon minions from four different Hells! Alucard flying around in a tank with rocket boosters! A Martian expy of Charlie Harper having to deal with an evil liquid metal lawyer with his partners, a former Nazi opera fan and a tsundere-with-little-dere cop girl! Said Charlie expy and the Master Chief who is really Kamina saving Quimby from the Simpsons by riding on a giant David Hasselhoff! The list goes on...
Cruel and Unusual Death: Used often. Tubalcain and Jan both get holes blown in them from Carl's sonic waves. Similarly, Zorin gets a hole punched in her face from Mayor Quimby's blood extracted by Walter. Walter himself gets blown up by over a hundred bullets striking him at the same time. Lawyer Guy is melted/evaporated by lava in a volcaino. (Though he is a liquid metal robot.) Major gets a spike shoved up his ass. Finally, Hitler and Schrodinger both blow up in a massive explosion of Wierd Quantum Shit.
Curb-Stomp Battle: Almost every fight. A notable pair of example would be both of the fights between Alucard and Anderson. The first consisted entirley of Anderson rushing up to Alucard and decapitiating him. The second starts once Alucard fully regenerates, wherein he eats Anderson for calling Integra stupid.
Deader than Dead: So Anderson, Luke, "Card Guy" (Tubalcain Alhambra) and "First Boss" are all eaten by Alucard. But that doesn't mean that he can't summon them as familiars, right? Not if Alucard's dead.
Decoy Protagonist: Alucard, in an odd way. The first "season" (chapters 1-4) appears to focus mainly on him as he tries to kill the Millennium, but come chapter four at the end of the season where he's suddenly Killed Off for Real by Jan. The focus then shifts to Carl.
Anyone who isn't Seras or Rip. Pip is by far the worst offender, getting only two lines before Carl's spaceship falls on him.
In-fic example: Master Chief/Kamina. He starts out having some minor role in the missions and even ends up killing the Captain, then he becomes irrelevant during chapter 9 aside from supplying Hecksing with some tools. After the reveal of his true identity, he helps take out the Titan Mecha and indirectly kills Doctor, but then he vanishes to go looking for Schrodinger. He returns later on in the same chapter, only to die near the end.
Designated Hero: Invoked with Seras. In this fic, she contributes almost nothing, doesn't actually kill any member of the MillenniumNote Alucard killed Luke. Carl killed Jan and Tubalcain. Integra killed Walter. Kamina killed Doctor and Captain. Rip killed Major. Schrodinger and Hitler were tricked into being killed by eachother, technically a feat pulled by all three of the remaining Hecksing members but it was ultimatley Carl who did it. It's implied that Seras had several kills over the thirty years, but that makes her actual heroism (barring taking out Yumie) an Offscreen Moment of Awesome., abuses and insults her own teammates, and acts as an uncontrolled ragaholoic.
Development Gag: (Giant Mutaint) Homer's rampage of New York is based on a SBIG fic idea where Homer Simpson gets taken over by nuclear waste and becomes an evil giant. Word of God says he's not sure whether or not to go with the idea, especially since this pseudo crossover occured.
Disc One Final Boss: Alexander Anderson. He's referred to as the "final boss of the fan fic," even though there's the entire Millennium before reaching there.
Distant Finale: Takes place 30 years in the future. Likely inspired by Hellsing's own.
Double Standard: Abuse, Female on Male: Carl and Seras. Though subverted as it's implied that Carl treats her (and Rip, if the flashback at the beginning of chapter 9 is anything to go by) like crap and at one point even rips off her skirt in public for no reason.
Early-Installment Weirdness: The first season didn't have as concrete characterization and holds record for being the closest Pikmin Fan ever came to playing The Stations of the Canon straight. The latter is weird seeing how the author would later go on to say things like "Don't rehash canon." The central characters were also vastly different; Seras didn't have her hot-temper established until later on, and Rip wasn't even in the story until chapter 4. In short, the fact that Seras is the only character with perfect attendance in appearing in every chapter really says something.
Everybody Knew Already: Walter finds out about the Millennium by Google searching them. Which also gives away one of their current missions. Though given that he is really working for them all along, he could have just been lying. Then again, we have seen him lie before about not secretly working for them and he's really bad at it.
Everybody Laughs Ending: Except for the main characters, as they are what's being laughed at because they forgot clothes.
Everyone Calls Him Barkeep: Tubalcain Alhambra is only referred to as "Card Guy" throughout the entire fan fic. This is presumably because of his name being difficult to spell. Also, Schrodinger is referred to as "Catboy" from the ending to chapter seven onwards. Then there's Lawyer Guy, who is an Original Character who's name is never revealed. (He might not even have a name, due to being a robot.) Oddly, "Major" is just called "Leader" until he is properly revealed, but this sudden "name reveal" means absolutley nothing, especially since in canon he's seen as early as the second OVA.
Exactly What It Says on the Tin: The title of chapter 12. "Vs Hitler." It's pretty much just that, with the addition of a one-line funeral for Kamina. (And, oddly, nobody else who died, like Alucard, Zorin, or Integra.)
Four Is Death: Guess what chapter contained Alucard dying, Walter revealing himself as a traitor, Jan showing how powerful his roboarm is, and is rather aptly titled "A Shocking Twist!" It's also arguably the chapter where the fan fic truly starts to diverge from canon's plotline.
Alucard saying that there is no such thing as immortallity becomes this, as the perfect example of that statement would be someone as seemingly immortal as him dying. From the same chapter, Alucard questioning Seras as to what would she do if he wasn't there.
Carl betting Seras in chapter 3 that he will see her naked in a week. Cue chapter 7....
Freudian Excuse: Good guy example. Alucard's reason for becoming a vampire and joining Hecksing was because his abusive brother Hitler wanted to try to make him a villain.
Chapter 5 has Integra's flashback (which is actually from Alucard's perspective for the most part), where it says that Alucard's older brother Hitler wanted to "manhood" him when he turned old enough. It's supposed to mean something along the lines of "put him through family tradition and make him become a villain," but the way it was written just sounds... well... like something else.
Full-Frontal Assault: Carl, Rip, and Seras end up doing this accidentally in the final chapter. Quimby points out that they basically went into battle while forgetting to put clothes on first.
Lawyer Guy. He has no connections with Hitler revival groups (which is unusual for this fan fic since nearly every other "evil organization" is an HRG), isn't mentioned before or after, has no backstory, and ultimatley just seemed like an excuse to get Integra killed. Lampshaded when the narrator says that the chapter he appears in is borderline filler.
Giant Mutant Homer Simpson. Literally only serves as someone for Master Chief to kill so that Integra can hire them as Alucard's replacement. That is, beofre his story was elaborated in in Housestuck.
Groin Attack: According to the narrator, the balls are vital organs for male vampires, and getting injured in them with a holy weapon is as bad as getting hit in the heart or head.
Half-Human Hybrid: Hitler is part snake ala Orochimaru. He mentions that he was turned into this, but the reason how is never explained.
Hilariously Abusive Childhood: Chapter 5 reveals that young Alucard was apparantly punched so hard by his older brother that he flew across an ocean. To add insult to injury, said older brother causes his phone to explode.
Hypocritical Humor: The end of chapter 7. Zorin and Rip are basically allowed to have a foursome with Carl and Seras, but when one of the Millennium's soldiers asks to join right after, Zorin slices him in half.
Inherited Illiteracy Title: The last two words are mispelled. The first one isn't the correct word for the general series, but it is in the HUC universe.
Interface Spoiler: The title of chapter 12 reveals that Hitler will be fought at some point. It doesn't say that he's the Big Bad, but considering how his identity was kept secret until the end of chapter 11 it's still something of a big deal. It's also hard to notice unless the reader doesn't use the drop down menu to navigate chapters.
Killed Off for Real: Everyone who died. Except Jan (he has one fakeout (not counting when he jumped out of a three-story window), then dies for real on his next appearance) and technically the Captain.
Loads and Loads of Characters: The first four chapters only have the absolute central characters, but then side-characters such as Dracula, Homer Simpson, David Hasselhoff, and the jury in chapter 9 are introduced. Ed, Eddy, and Sonic of the jury even play a role in the aformentioned chapter (providing Hecksing with some rides), and all of them get a mention in the epilogue. Except Dracula and Wiggim.
Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: It's implied that Jan's Hostile Mission Takeover prevented the Millennium from controling Alucard. Although Alucard dies instead.
Nightmare Retardant: Invoked. This is a Hellsing fan fic meant to look like it was done by an over-energetic thirteen year old with little writting skills, so this is a given. It gets especially bad in chapters 6 and 7. For example, right after half of the Wild Geese are taken out, "are you next? are you next?ARE YOU NEXT?◊"
Not His Sled: The first season does some of this before things get more original. Anderson not only dies in the first chapter, but he's in a completely different organization, and "First Boss" belongs to that organization and not the Millennium. Then there's the whole "Integra and Flanders are somehow keeping a shield over London," and then there's Jan not only not being blown up by the Millennium, but fighting Alucard instead of Rip. In season two, we have Rip joining Zorin on the mission, and instead of one or both of them being killed after Seras awakes her powers, Carl simply invites all three of them to a foursome. They join Hecksing afterward.
Obfuscating Stupidity: It's highly implied that Rip is smarter than she seems in this fan fic. She leads Seras through in the Walter fight, and has knowledge of the author.
Oddly Small Organization: By the end of the fan fic, Hecksing only consists of Carl, Rip, Seras, a familiarized Captain (the first three have several other familiars but Captain's the only one that's willingly in), and some Pikmin. However, they have nothing on Heavensing, which only consists of three people.
Oh Crap: Walter has one such moment when Rip guides several bullets at him at once.
Parody Stu: Carl was supposed to be a parody of Jerk Stu, but Seras ends up filling that role if anything. An exception is Carl's introduction in chapter 3; he acts like a total jackass, but every chapter after he's wise and planning.
Plot Triggering Death: Flanders' death. After that, the spell over the United Kingdoms of London goes down, letting the Millennium invade, kick starting the plot for the majority of the story. To a lesser extent, Anderson's as well, as his death leads to Flanders hanging himself.
Refuge in Audacity: The first Ren and Stimpy clip. Basically, Stimpy uses semen in place of mayo as a sandwhich. Ren, unknowing of this at first, eats the sandwhich and compliments on it.
The Reveal: Master Chief's identity is revealed in the tenth chapter. He's Kamina.
Rouge Angles of Satin: Several. Perhaps one of the worst is "coitus" being used instead of "courtesey." Or the title of chapter 13, which is supposed to be "Conclusion," but it's "Concussion." Because of this, it sounds less like a Grand Finale to wrap things up and more like some "tragic" chapter where Carl gets a concussion or something.
Rule of Three: The fan fic mentions that Noah is "from a different anime" exactly three times: Once in chapter 1, once in chapter 3, and the last time at the end of chapter 13.
Sailor Earth: Parodied twice. The first example is Carl. The second is with the Orange Pikmin, which parody a fandom trend of making fan Pikmin each with an immunity to an element.
Scenery Censor: Carl's junk is "obscured" (this is a fan fic written entirley in text, so this isn't really necessary) by a laptop. A laptop which is explicitley stated as being "small." This doesn't really make any sense — even aside from the aformentioned fact that this is text only — by how "cansor bars" are used later on in the same chapter.
Sensible Heroes, Skimpy Villains: Compare Seras to Rip. Before the latter joins Hecksing, then it's pretty much even, if not inverted considering how Seras (and Rip and Carl) have been naked at least twice throughout the story.
Sequel Hook: Not one to HUC, though. The very end of the fan fic, even after the closing AN, has a short scene of who appears to be Girlfriend from the Eds' EDventure building a device capable of reviving Ed and Edd.
Sexy Discretion Shot: "Foursome censored this is vilent enoff i don't want it to go to M rating from T i men this was supposed to be K PLUS for kids for fucks sake!"
"I WILL VENGE YOU BRO!" Al shooted to skaia. Among many, many others (to the point where Rip avoids making a mention and actually says the author can "suck it..." only to make a refrence in the last chapter when she calls Captain "good dog, best friend").
Alucard and Seras are, at one point, refered to as "Sierra and Alejandro." Alucard later on sings a ripoff of This is How we Will End it in his battle with Jan.
The Simpsons' fourth season mentioned The Ren & Stimpy Show twice; once was a clip that Bart and his new "brother" were watching, the other was during a reward show where it was competing against Itchy and Scratchy. Both of these contexts were used in this fan fic to provide two clips of Ren and Stimpy.
Jan and Luke, in their first appearance, are refered to as "Jean-Luc LeMans."
Hitler acts like a combination of Eridan and Eddy's brother, to the point where Rip's conversation with him resembles a talk with the latter.
The second half of chapter 8 is a copy of Naruto Shippuden's first arc, complete with the Millennium hideout being in a cave and the team of heroes splitting up as one of the two villains flies out of the cave with the captured person and the other, which uses attacks themed on string, stays and fights the women of the group.
Show Within a Show: A few, three of them have been seen within the fic. The first is Ren and Stimpy. The second is a Stylistic Suck (yes, even compared to HUC) series made by the Millennium. The third is one by John Egbert and Jade HarleyNote No, Rose and Dave do not appear or even get mention at all in this fan fic, but they, the trolls, and the Felt are in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals. and is loosely based off of their respective interests. (And Ed Edd N Eddy The Mis Edventures.) Also, one of Pikmin Fan's other fan fics is also a series, but it was not seen as the clip of it wasn't ready yet.
The Brazil is COLD and was snow lik chater 7 of Papar Mario. But there wax still lots of haff nakee chiks wat made Carl go "AOOGAQ!" but Ceres splapped him. god, ca npot a man hav fun? Ther also others preforming, like majishons.
Something Completely Different: Chapter 9 sticks out like a sore thumb from the rest of the series, being the only chapter that is neither the beginning nor the epilogue that's focused on a villain not part of the Millennium. In fact, Rip is the only (ex-)member of the group to appear, which is noteworthy considering how the previous chapter was about breaking into their base and even ended with Carl fending off against Jan again. It's also probably the most side-character heavy chapter aside from the epilogue. Word of God said that he liked the latter attribute, and stylized Housestuck's story flow so that most of it would have the same "sidequest" based plotlines as that.
Rip, in a rather glaring example. Detonation chips were ret-conned out of this fan fic. So, instead of being blown up, Jan leaps out of the mansion and survives a three story fall. He then proceeds to trick Rip off of her original mission through Rip having an Idiot Ball. Eventually, through a chain of events, Rip gets hired as part of Hecksing and avoids death several times.
Jan subverts this. Twice. He survives the Valentine invasion, only to seemingly be killed off in the aircraft fight. Chapter 8 reveals that he survived that, only for him to get killed by Carl.
Zorin Also subverts this, surviving the second manor invasion but dies in the following chapter.
Carl becomes worse in this as the story goes on. In the first two chapters, he's not even introduced or even hinted at existing save for the closing notes at the end of the second one. Then in the two after that, he's on the backseat as Alucard and Seras get more focus than him. After Alucard dies and Integra leaves to find a replacement for him, he's suddenly shot into front-seat during the invasion arc/season two, and from then on out he just gets more focus and does more of the plot-related actions as it goes on.
Rip tends to hijack some of the screentime, clearly being established as the wisest Hecksing member (despite originally being the dumbest Millennium member, however it's revealed in Housestuck that this was because she was merely pretending to be an idiot in hopes of getting fired) and being in several scenes even when she does almost nothing that matters in them. It doesn't help that the author openly admitted to liking her on the AN of her debut chapter.
The Stations of the Canon: Played annoyingly straight for the first three chapters, with little variations such as Anderson dying in chapter one and Jan getting spared the next chapter, but during chapter four, Jan goes on the Eagle invasion instead of Rip, which leads to Alucard's death.
Stylistic Suck: The spelling, grammar, and organization actually gets better as the fic goes on, an inversion of a common Troll Fic trend, but it's still pretty bad. Also of note, the shows within the fan fic:
Arguably worse than HUC is the Show Within a Show by the Millennium. From what was shown, the humor consists entirley of "Hahaha Nazis are racist" and "Family Guy sucks."
Ren and Stimpy's clips consist of a disturbing grossout joke and a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff reference. Housestuck reveals a third clip that consists mainly of using shock value for humor.
Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Three examples. Carl to Pip (especially given that the former's introduction is him accidentally killing the latter), Master Chief/Kamina to Alucard (Integra flat-out said that she wanted to hire someone to replace Alucard after his death), and Quimby to Integra.
Suspiciously Specific Denial: In chapter 2, when Walter mentions that he saw Jan and Luke, he immediatley tells Integra that he has no connections with the group they're from at all. And again in chapter 3, when he says he searched the Millennium, he says that he is not a part of them.
At one point, the fan fic compares Seras/Carl to Courtney/Duncan, and is implied to be compared to other pairings that go in arelated way, a jab at those kinds of couples.
The very beginning says that "Fakebook" is not unlike a joke from The Simpsons, a comment on said show's debatable overuse of We're Still Relevant, Dammit. A later chapter mocks Simpsons again — only this time in general — by portraying Homer as a powerful, brain eating giant who was once a normal man.
There's jabs at Twilight, although that's really more of a take that towards people who mock Twilight and other popular culture just to look cool. So, in essense, it's a take that at take thats.
Talking Is a Free Action: Pip shouts, "NO SOME FALING ON ME HOW WILL EXCAPE?" before he gets crushed by Carl's spaceship.
Tank Goodness: Alucard's tank. It can also fly, but only if you can get a liftoff.
Teeny Weenie: Carl, albeit through a "mistake" in the writing. His penis can be "censored" by a small laptop.
Just about everything after Alucard's death, where the fan fic pretty much stops pretending it has a plot and turns into "Let's kill the Nazis!" Carl especially is a bad offender.
Carl's route near the end of chapter 8 deserves special mention. He and the Master Chief are chasing a flying werewolf carrying the president, and eventually the Chief shoots said werewolf casually. Then a giant David Hasselhoff comes out of nowhere to give them a ride back to London, and on this ride they are attacked by Jan, who has a robotic arm with rocket jets and poison swords. By the way, Jan uses said robo-arm to lift off a quarter of a blown up aircraft carrier.
To a lesser extent, the stuff Alucard does could count as well. His bullets are described as shooting guns. It could easily be a typo and the faux-author meant the other way around, but Rip and Seras's abilities question this.
Alucard summoning his familiars only to die for real right after.
Walter's fallen angel form when he gets ran over before he can do anything.
Hitler making a mass army of demons only to never use them in his short fight.
Thirteen Is Unlucky: There's thirteen chapters, and the fan fic both begun and ended on a 13th.note The "beginning" publish date is more of a happy coincidence. It begun on 9/13 so that chapter 3, the introduction of Carl, will be on the same day that Two and a Half Men's season priemere showing Charlie's replacement airs. It ending on 4/13 was because the author had gotten an intrest in Homestuck sometime between the making of chapters 4 and 5 and wanted the fan fic to conclude on HS's third anaversary. The ending date is not a coincidence, since 413 is an Arc Number for said comic.
Title Drop: Integra says the title name of chapter 9 within that chapter.
Tsundere: Seras. Very, very little dere from chapter three onwards. It says a lot about this fan fic that she seems more Ax-Crazy than the Millennium.
Unexpected Genre Change: Each "season"note Which are grouped by chapters 1-4, 5-7, 8 and 9, and 10-13 has a vastly different tone to it. Season 1 is more of a Villain of the Week, kill-all-the-badguys type of adventure. Season 2 is focused mainly on a single battle and has more of a war series feel to it. Season 3 is similar to an action movie, and finally introduces a few more characters like Quimby. Season 4 is somewhat like a disaster movie parody, reverting back to its villain of the week ways. It doesn't help that previously major character in both canon and early in this fic Alucard dies at the end of season 1.
Out of Seras, Rip, and Zorin, guess who dies first after the latter two get into Hecksing. Or, is the only one to die.
And arguably Integra, though she isn't part of Carl's harem. Oddly....
Verbal Tic: Quimby begins every sentence with "er a um," Alucard talks like a stereotypical pirate and a "wise mentor," and Hitler talks like Eridan.Note Confusingly, Eridan himself appears in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, but does not speak in his quirk. Nor does any other teen who had a quirk, although the quirks are somewhat replicated. (Most notably in Tavros's speech.)
Viewer Gender Confusion: In-universe in chapter 9, which is weird because the character in question is heavily implied to have a more feminine redesign, and was at the time wearing a (presumably) still see-through shirt and thong that should be small enough to rid any ambiguity:
Sonic: Hop on dud! Rip: I'm a woman. Sonic: O SHIT!
Hitler, on account of being the story's Bigger Bad and the reveal that he's the one responsible for Alucard's backstory.
It runs in the family. It's hard to say anything about Alucard himself without bringing up or even hinting that he dies a third of the way into the story, and his death was the titular "Shocking Twist!" of chapter 4.
The Master Chief. His addition to Hecksing (or specifically, the reason for it) spoils the fact that Alucard has died, he's generally an Unexpected Character, his "identity" as actually being Kamina was supposed to be a surprise (because very little was done with him being Kamina, it doesn't feel that way), and he is quickly offed just before the story's epilogue.
Jan is the first character who doesn't die in the chapter corresponding with the OVA where he does, his fake arm is ret-conned to be related to Housestuck, and he's the guy who kills Alucard.
One character puts them all to shame: Rip Van Winkle. Right in her introduction is the joke that she of all people is the story's Ms. Fanservice, which was supposed to come off as a mild surprise. Oh, and she joins Hecksing halfway through the story. Then there's her backstory in Housestuck, which reveals that just about everything she did under the Millennium was a use of Obfuscating Stupidity, in an attempt to get fired after an attack on the Harley manor made her feel guilty of her evil lifestyle.
We All Live in America: Parodied. "United Kingdoms of London," as well as it having a President (who is also a Mayor) instead of a Prime Minister. Also, to a lesser extent, it was assumed that the Grand Canyon was in Germany.
Webcomic Time: Chapters 1-12 take place within the span of one week.note Chapters 1 and 2 take place in Day 1 (1 takes place in the night, 2 the following day); 3 takes place in Day 2; 4-7 take place in Day 3; 8 and 9 take in place Day 4; and 10-12 take place in Day 5. Handy timeline.
Wham Episode: Parodied (and played straight, being the first time in the fan fic that the story truly derails and involving the death of Alucard) with chapter 4. It's even titled "A Shocking Twist!"
What Could Have Been: Several details have changed, ranging from small scenes to entire character deaths/sparings. And yet, the base of the plot basically stayed the same from before the fic started to after it ended.
What Do You Mean, It's for Kids?: Parodied/invoked. The first chapter was supposedly rated K+note The fan fic was always rated "T.", which explains why Hellsing is called "Hecksing" and why Alucard cuts off Anderson from swearing. Eight chapters full of unfriendly deaths and (offscreen) sex later, and we have the Captain's "actor" telling kids not to pick up random mushrooms, something which should be obvious to anyone reading the fan fic.
Dracula is one of the very few characters left completely unnacounted for: He appears only once in a flashback explaining how Alucard became the way he is in the story, and as that was a flashback to World War I it wasn't not really known if he's even still alive in 2011, much less 2041. Housestuck at least confirms the former, as he's seen alive and well selling scrolls of fire, ice, and light to John and Jade.
Averted thanks to Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals: Chief Wiggim appears at the end of chapter 8 to arrest Integra as well as Seras and Rip (who were riding with her at the time) for speeding, however he never appears in the court room itself or gets a nod in the epilogue. Even what happens to him after he presumably sends the three to the court (which is paradoxically in another country) is unknown, since him taking them to the court not only happens off screen, but in between chapters. The aversion is how the fake-author openly aknowledges that they forgot to mention what happens to him, so he's killed off while transporting Seras, Rip, and Integra to the court room (his car being on auto-pilot is what takes them there), and in-fic the reason why he's not mentioned in the epilogue is because he's considered more of a HHC character than a HUC character. Even though John and Jade's final fates are spoiled in said epilogue.
What the Hell, Hero?: Invoked. Integra stright up tells Hecksing not to bother taking out the Millennium's mooks simply because she thinks they're not as important as finding out about the "major" members' plans, and because they will die on sunrise. She pretty much just let the Millennium send over four hundred soldiers to attack a largly populated country just because she wanted to stop the source faster.
Alucard, after killing "First Boss," Anderson, Luke, Card Guy, and singing a brief musical number about it, getting blown up by Jan, killing him off for real. Carl later manages to take Jan out with next to no effort though.
Zorin is, according to Integra, one of the more elite members of the Millennium. After Walter reveals himself as a traitor and Zorin joins Hecksing, during their fight Walter manages to effortlessly kill Zorin by seeing past her illusions simply by consentrating (illusions being Zorin's main special ability) and takes her out in one hit.
Integra "I can stand in front of a colossal mutant Homer Simpson without fear (until discovering that I didn't bring any anti-mutant ammo)" Heck getting stabbed through the back by Lawyer Guy and dying.
Kamina having his life force drained by Hitler.
You Can't Thwart Stage One: Averted during chapter 8: Carl prevents the Millennium from traveling back in time and taking over the world, so they have to move to a last miniute backup plan.