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Quotes / Bond Villain Stupidity

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    Film — Live-Action 
Dr. Evil: All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism! [mechanism starts] Close the tank!
Scott: Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. Why?
Scott: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out! We can do it together, it'll be fun!
Dr. Evil: Scott... You just don't get it, do you. You don't.

Mr. Bond, you persist in defying my efforts to provide an amusing death for you.
Hugo Drax, the villain from Moonraker

What do they teach at that school, ballet dancing?
Francisco Scaramanga, The Man with the Golden Gun, to Hai Fat after Bond escapes from Hai Fat's dojo.

When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk.

Valentine: You know what this is like? It's like those old movies we both love. Now, I'm going to tell you my whole plan, and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Harry Hart: Sounds good to me.
Valentine: Well, this ain't that kind of movie. (shoots Harry right in the head)

    Film — Animated 

Lucius: ...So now I'm in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I'm an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover, and what does Baron von Ruthless do?
Bob: (snickering) He starts monologuing?
Lucius: He starts monologuing!
Bob: Yep! (laughs)
Lucius: He starts, like, this prepared speech about how "feeble" I am compared to him, how "inevitable" my defeat is, how "the world WILL SOON BE HIS!", yadda yadda yadda...
Bob: Yammering.
Lucius: Yammering! I mean, the guy has me on a platter and he won't shut up!

Now untie him, Wormtail, and give him back his wand.
Lord Voldemort on Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Ty: Classic Bond villain mistake.
Blake: I know.
Ty: Leaving the enemy in the deathtrap, ignoring him? A henchman of questionable loyalties watching over things?
Blake: I know.
Ty: Don't tell me you did the monologue, explaining things.
Blake: I did, kind of.
Ty: Damn it, Blake.

The easiest and perhaps the most sensible thing would be to shoot you now. In half an hour you could be at the bottom of the ocean, and neither Mrs. Jones nor Mr. Ethan Brooke would ever know what had happened to you. But I'm not going to do that.
Major Winston Yu, Alex Rider

when you enjoy something, you must never let logic get in the way too much. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies. 'Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that doesn't work.'
Jerry Seinfeld, Sein Language

    Live-Action TV 
Turanj: I've become impatient. We penetrated this vessel, overcame their defenses, and in the moment of the kill, you forced us to stop. Now we play these incessant games. It's time we took our trophies and moved on.
Karr: Your lust for the kill has blinded you, like many young hunters. If you took the time to study your prey, to understand its behavior, you might learn something.
Turanj: There is nothing to be learned!
Star Trek: Voyager, "The Killing Game"

You're not a Bond villain, Daniel. You're a fraud. And frauds don't get to speak like Bond villains. They do get to die like them.
Tony, NCIS

    Web Original 
Pleasence is, in many respects, the most cliché Bond bad guy ever. He has the most lovely (and extravagant) lair that Ken Adams ever designed. He has a pool of piranha in his hidden volcano lair. He has the technology to kidnap space ships… and couldn’t be bothered making a legitimate fortune off it. He has Bond at his mercy repeatedly, and… shoots other random characters instead [...] he literally looks like a baby, a petulant child that Bond needs to sort out. Kingsley Amis argued that the best of Fleming’s villains were dark father figures, but I think the films also supported the idea that they were malicious overgrown children.
Darren Mooney, "He’s an expert in the Feld of not killing Bond"

Anyhoo, as one of the Minions poses with Gadget for a picture, he puts some sort of homing beacon on Gadget’s hat. This makes it so that Claw can control Gadget’s every move; Claw forces Gadget to do things like throw his Coke and fries everywhere. Instead of, say, forcing Gadget to say “Go-Go Gadget Handgun” and shoot himself in the face, thus ridding himself of Gadget and ridding me of this shit-ass movie. Nope, Claw forces Gadget to squirt mustard everywhere and...break dance?
Matt Briner in his review of Inspector Gadget 2

Jafar chortles with glee as he orders Aladdin's death for the second time, and this go-round it HAS to stick because everybody is chained up. He's so happy about it, he changes into Jasmine again the morning of the execution to reveal his true identity to Aladdin RIGHT before he loses his head, won't that be poetic? In doing this, he leaves the room, and ten thousand defeated villains screamed in agony from Hades, "ARE WE ALL DOOMED TO REPEAT THAT MISTAKE FOREVER??"

    Web Video 
(If you missed that one: the Hirogen captured Voyager, but instead of killing them all, the Alpha had their brains taken over by a computer and then put into holodeck scenarios for endless games to repeat the hunt, but not actually kill them. It's the Hirogen version of edging.)
SFDebris on Star Trek: Voyager, "Flesh and Blood"

Zelda villains have always been pretty stupid in letting Link get away with half the stuff he does, but here Ghirahim wins the title of 'Most idiotic Zelda Villain' when he says, "I should have got ya last time, and I'd love to get ya this time—but I'll get you next time-♪!" Then he just vanishes, I guess he had a hair appointment or somethin'.

"Why wouldn't he just kill him? (Beat) Ooooh, right: it's a Bond movie!"

    Western Animation 
Do you ever notice how bad guys always leave at these critical moments? Oh well. (leaves)
Dr. Gene Splicer, Tiny Toon Adventures, "Hare Raising Night"

Senor Senior Sr: A proper villain always leaves his foe when he's about to expire.
Senor Senior Jr: Why?
Senor Senior Sr: Well, it would be bad form just to lull about, waiting for it.
Senor Senior Jr: Why?
Senor Senior Sr: Tradition!
Kim Possible, "Animal Attraction"


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