Funny / The Weaver Option

This may be based in two of the most grimdark universes ever made, but even then, some pearls drop in from time to time.

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• The fact that soldiers, having no frame of reference for non-religious music, treat "Beat It" by Michael Jackson as a hymn is at once sad and funny.
• Right after slaughtering the priest that threatened her with torture and execution, Taylor apologizes for the bloody mess left on the ground. Zuhev ruling the whole thing — which he actually ordered — as a tragic cardiac arrest leaves her gaping at his cynicism.
• The following Take That! Bait-and-Switch Comment: If there is one planet prized by the elite of the Nyx Sector for its superb sights and heavenly conditions of life, this planet is not Wuhan Secundus.
• Dragon recording Taylor and Wei's first kiss.
• Leet, dressed up as Mario, blows up an Ork Warboss with a Holy Hand Grenade and cheers about beating Bowser.
  • The fact that Leet's personality is so grating that the Space Marines he just saved (killing five of them in the same blast along with the Warboss) barely hold back from having a tragic misfire.
• Dragon deciding that the Ruinous Powers must be worse than the Orks because Heldrakes "dared defiling the noble appearance of a dragon", categorizing this as an "unforgivable sin" that she'll make them beg forgiveness for.
• Dragon repeatedly telling Leet to come out of hiding after a battle. When he does, he has soiled drawers.
  • Seeing that Leet is panicking, Dragon applies "psychology 101" and slaps him. Then, as Leet reacts, she slaps him again.
    Just for science and help her fellow Tinker get out of this depression. At least that’s what she would write in her after-action report.
• Leet crowing about his successful invention during the Battle of the Death Star before discovering it caused a hull breach and trying to inconspicuously follow the others as they flee.
• When Clockblocker finds out Taylor was transported over (something which makes him mentally bid goodbye to any hope of peace and tranquility in this new universe), he asks what she's been doing. Vista nonchalantly says nothing much, just making a greater daemon her bitch while massacring entire hordes on her own. Clockblocker can only sigh and say that sounds about right.
• Mixed with Awesome, Trazyn outright steals a whole Eldar fleet right under their officer's nose, then sends the poor dude his gratitude for contributing to his collection. Oh, and the courtesies are for an "inferior enemy".
• After a long talk about the technology they have found in the Death Star and the possibility of Taylor becoming the new Lady of Nyx, she tells Dragon that that golden armor she's building at the back of her lab better not be for her. Dragon notes that she needs to improve her anti-bug defenses.
• Venerable Ancient Dreadnought Pierre's Establishing Character Moment: a squad of Space Marines is tasked to arrest a noble that attempted to have Taylor murdered. Pierre sneaks around them so well that the others don't notice him until he starts ramming the gate with a gargoyle he has ripped from the palace. The others can only watch in horrified awe while an exasperated Taylor asks who in the Warp let the Dreadnought join the raid.
  • For that matter, Kratos remarks on his astonishment that said aristocrat was so vain to put statues of his relatives everywhere on the balconies. When another Marine points out that they are actually gargoyles, Kratos is clearly unfazed and unrepentant.
• Arguably the Epic Fail nature of Nostradamus Vandire's (non-voluntary) suicide charge at the Xeno lines. Helping him along on his service to the Emperor are the chemicals and aphrodisiacs that he's slathered in, just so that the aforementioned xenos are drawn to him first.
• The sheer Curb-Stomp Battle scale of the Matapan Rebellion and some of their leaders' I Reject Your Reality moments.
• Arguably Taylor's reaction to seeing the bounty on the panda-like Rashans. Also, Vista's reaction.
• Poor Cass Damascus, an apprentice assassin whose attempt to reach Nyx ended up with her boarding a ship of the most incompetent pirates in the zone. Despite years of indoctrination and training she can barely stop herself from killing the Navigators in charge of the vessel. When an anti-piracy sting catches them, she ends up doing it just so she'll get some satisfaction before death.
  Navigator: IT'S A TRAP!
  Cass: Thank you, Lord Admiral Ferraci, what would we do without your peerless strategic skills?
• Taylor's incredulity that one of the General Failure's she's being assigned lost a campaign against Stone Age tribes armed with spears (after failing to secure his army's water sources). It's suggested that the failures of that guy and four others could be compiled into a book series called "What a loyal officer of the Imperial guard must avoid doing at all costs."
• Taylor cheekily calling Dragon out on how she's already built a void-supremacy Dragon armor for an offer she was just explaining to Taylor.
• Venerable Ancient Dreadnought Pierre, a war walker weighing in excess of 10 tons, manages to sneak up behind a Rashan... and starts chatting about the Emperor like a door-to-door missionary. The Rashan promptly faints. Made even better by the fact that Pierre has actually MET the Emperor, and is well aware that He most emphatically is NOT a god. Hence, he's deliberately trolling.
  • He later kills a pirate captain, takes his tricorn and wears it not only into battle, but also when standing for review before the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes. Taylor reluctantly lets him wear the hat because he apparently collected a sizeable number of them to replace any that get confiscated and nobody can figure out where he's hiding them.
• Bloodweaver's humiliation at having to bellow out an order to "not revel in the agony" and to "slaughter the spiders" and vowing to destroy any surviving audio record of that statement coming out of his mouth in the unlikely event he survives.
  • In the background, some of Bloodweaver's men are heard yelling things like "Oh yes! Oh Yes. I feel them devouring me. The pain is supreme!" "Oh yes. Glorious pain... Eat me. Eat me! I want more pain." and "They have my leg! Give me back my leg!".
• Hoth attempting to claim to his Space Marine captors that this is Not What It Looks Like when his flagship is festooned with human-skin banners of Tzeentch.
• One of the Rashans being reluctant to take off the tricorn hat identifying him as a pirate before surrendering.
• For all that he is a vile mass murderer, Sliscus manages to be worth some good laughs due to his over-the-top personality.
  • Sliscus's Evil Gloating at sabotaging Hoth's efforts.
  • When the Necrons unleash a World Engine on him, he complains it's not fair springing a superweapon surprise on him like that. As the narration notes, he had just done the same thing with the Imperium but the hypocrisy is expected of his self-appointed station.
  • Sliscus's boast of the battle between "young ignorant children" and "the genial, the sublime, the prodigious, the Great and magnificent Duke of Commorragh, the jewel of a dark civilization, Traevelliath Sliscus". Then pausing to ask if he sounded too partial with that statement. One of his current consorts says yes - he used the word human instead of mon'keigh.
  • He begins to boast to the Necrons that soon their World Engine will be his. The Necrons get bored with the talk and cut off the transmission mid-speech.
  • Among his various treasure vaults, Sliscus has one full of sex toys and pictures of his penis. It's expected the Inquisition will just burn the entire thing.
• Trazyn casually appearing in front of a Drukhari Dynast and saying that he's taking him to be a star exhibit for one of his collections. The Dynast promptly screams for his guards to stop Trazyn then flees in terror when they fail.
• Taylor musing early in the battle of Commorragh that if Missy doesn't say "I told you so" then Taylor will give Dragon a hundred billion Throne Gelt raise.
  • The Brick Joke comes when the message about the victory arrives to Nyx: Missy cracks up laughing and tells herself that she did warn Taylor.
• Trazyn shows up on Taylor's flagship in a panicked state of disarray asking why she's not fleeing and if she got his message about the Queen of Blades. She asks Trazyn if the Queen of Blades has crimson hair, curvaceous black armor and a long curved blade.
  Trazyn: Yes, absolutely. But how did you-?
  [Trazyn glances back and sees Lelith a few feet away from them pretending to sleep on a vehicle, having knocked out two Space Marine guards]
  Trazyn: Flee you fools!
  • A couple paragraphs get spent describing Lelith's voluptuous appearance, then it's noted that Leet is literally drooling over her, earning a Dope Slap from Dennis.
• When Taylor meets Malekith (the last Aeldari Emperor, the one that led the Empire into the creation of Slaanesh) she accidentally says out loud that standards had to be really low to let him gain the title. Lelith cracks up laughing and then recognizes Taylor as Empress of the Aeldari just to screw with Malekith.
• For all that she is possibly the most dangerous individual in the galaxy, Lelith Hesperax also is, much to Taylor's bemusement, an absolute primadonna - as proven by all the details she demands for the arena that is her price for killing Rakarth.
• The Mechanicus is now spoiled due to Taylor. Before, discovering just an STC would have been enough to celebrate for centuries. During the Battle of Commorragh, they are not content with the fact that they have found eleven of them, because it's not twelve, which is their sacred number as well as the number of usable templates they got from the first STC Taylor found.
  • And then they do get a twelfth STC, courtesy of Neferten.
• When demons assault the Enterprise, Gabriela Jordan is thrown back by a demon and into someone wearing power armor - and she gets paralyzed while straddling the guy in a suggestive position. Cue Ancient Pierre admonishing Dennis (who is wearing said armor) for not leaving the fraternization until after the battle. Gabriela decides that she will kill Pierre even if it is the last thing she will do.
  • Brick Joke when, during the post-battle celebrations, Gabriela and Dennis do end up together and considering both that fraternization does have its perks and that they need to put Pierre in stasis pronto.
• Lelith seemingly shows up to save Cegorach from Slaanesh, but claims she was actually looking for Malekith. She then proceeds to yawn in the Chaos God's face while stating she seems kind of weak.
• The Duardin Slayer Borek is death incarnate with an axe. His main flaw: he sings while he fights. Horribly. It is so bad that everyone agrees that his singing does more damage than his axe. Even the Slaaneshi demons want to kill him just to shut him up.
• Leet gets saved by Borek. With the conniving of the Techpriests, Leet gets shanghaied into becoming Borek's companion - and no one says anything to save him from that.
  • A few days later Leet is futilely begging for an audience with Taylor to get him transferred away from Borek, who is currently drunkenly wrestling with Black Templars while trying to volunteer the two of them for a suicide mission. All the while he is still singing and has enough alcohol to stay that hammered for another ten days and nights.
  • Leet's request to see Taylor is refused due to her need to recover, with the text hinting she suffered another Post-Victory Collapse. Then we cut to Wei's point of view and it turns out Taylor's just having a well-deserved extended lie-in and needs to be coaxed out with promises of sharing a shower.
    • Incidentally, Wei internally complains about how Taylor's wings look impressive - but she cannot fully control them, meaning that when she falls asleep, they spring out and illuminate the room.
• Lelith helps save the Eldar girl that Slaanesh was using as an Avatar partly because she's Morathi's granddaughter and Lelith knows that doing so would make the witch roll over in her grave.
• After he mentally reviews the consequences of the Battle of Commorragh, Eldrad knows that he has to inform everyone that Slaanesh is dead and adds something else.

  Eldrad: And then I'm going to get royally drunk. I'm sure no one will have anything to say against it today.

  • Fridge Brilliance: With the Prince of Excess dead, this was probably the first time in thousands of years that a Craftworld Eldar could drink to excess without placing their lives and souls in mortal peril.
• Even Neferten, the leader of a race of beings that are supposed to be lacking in emotions, decides to tease Taylor, who is sure that the galaxy is against her. Then it turns out that Neferten has managed to convince Trazyn to free nearly two hundred Salamanders Space Marines from two millennia before: poor Taylor can almost hear the "Vulkan Lives!" shouts from a spaceship ten thousand kilometres away.
• An inquisitor on Wuhan remarks he's not going to blame Taylor for the nobility's continued decadence, both because it's not her fault and because he's not going to offend someone who could kill him from miles away with a mind-controlled spider.
• Aenaria complains to Cegorach that she and her Wyches are going to turn to the worship of Atharti, because between her and Addaioth, it's the only acceptable option. Cegorach points out that they could worship a human instead.
• The prolonged dry observation of Nicephorus Vandire about how rare and expensive a vase is before noting his brother breaking it has likely decreased the value, and then trying to keep a straight face at Xerxes' Tantrum Throwing.
  • During the tantrum, Xerxes starts screaming that other organizations should have "stopped" Taylor to appease the Vandire. Nicephorus mentally notes that a lot of them would have helped Taylor just to spite the clan.
• Jain Zar observing the Biel-Tan leadership made every mistake possible and a few that were impossible, saying in an intergalactic competition of intelligence they'd lose to the greenskins.
  • When one Biel-Tan Autarch claims that they can still fight the Imperium when they arrive Zar remembers how she saw (thanks to a Farseer that owed her a favor) what will happen when the Imperium finally catches up to them.
• An annoyed Neferten forcibly teleporting Trazyn off her ship as he cackles about the ten new galleries he can make from the Commorragh loot.
• The Eldar becoming the in-universe equivalent of The Aristocrats joke:
  • They can't be that stupid? They are Eldar.
  • The enemy won't try counterattacking when there are Titans able to intervene! They are Eldar.
  • Building fifty-meter tall statues from bones, flesh and the mortal remains of their slaves is the height of bad taste? They are Eldar.
• The head of a unit of Imperial Guardsmen who were spared from being slaughtered when the Biel-Tan Eldar went to Commorragh is woken up by his Commissar with a bucket of water. Turns out he and his unit, along with some civilians who really shouldn't have been there, partied all night and the Commissar is not happy. The unit ends up doing a lot of reconstruction to atone for that one night... and they still think it was totally Worth It.
• The utter misery of the Adeptus Almitas Beleaguered Bureaucrat who has to pay out all of the bounties Taylor and her army collected after decades of not a single high-rated bounty being claimed. The man is getting demands and threats from multiple sides and sadly bids goodbye to his vacation days and blissful anonymity.
• Lisa the Moth. She loves to ask for fruit and sugar, behaves like a kid on a sugar-high and acts like being petted is an honor for the one doing the petting.
• During the Raid, Taylor's forces finds an STC Template for making beer....and a Squat/Duardin/Dwarf. Coincidence? I think NOT!
• The Ulthwé Eldar talking about how even if their party got out of hand it's nothing like one of the other craftworlds.
  • Eldrad Ulthran is mercilessly teased for sleeping with Aurelia, with Filgonilth Sirethmoren asking if he's invited to the wedding and what kinks his friend did explore with the Drukhari. Eldrad does the dignified thing and telekinetically throws a book to his head.
• Leet's failed attempt at begging Taylor to get out of travelling with a certain Squat.
• During the Rogue Traders trial, one of them forlonly asks if Taylor can waive her debts and call it a day. The last of them strips for Taylor's benefit and is judged to be free of taint after being subjected to Aethergold - and Taylor asks for someone to just get the Trader some decent clothes.
• Freya and Kurt's volleying insults which their fellow pilots speculate is Belligerent Sexual Tension.
• The Rashan's reaction to Taylor wanting to buy the right to make stuffed toys in their likeness.
• The Brick Joke about Missy wanting to say "I told you so" to Taylor brings fruit, in the form of the former bringing her sculptures, cakes, paintings, fireworks and gifts with the words "I TOLD YOU SO" on them.
  • When Taylor presents her the Lightsaber she will use as her weapon while acting as her representative in Sparta, Missy complains that the way she presented it is lame.
• Ancient Pierre's love for hats does not diminish, as he asks if he can use his funds to buy authentic Indigan hats. Taylor threatens to send him back to a stasis vault.
• One of the Necrons in Neferten's court complains that her actions are against tradition.
  Phaerak-Cryptek Neferten: Yes, and?
  • Said Necron is unable to read the mood and keeps insisting - until he makes the mistake of invoking Szarekh's edicts. She promptly volunteers him for a patrol that will last about two thousand years.
• When Taylor visits the xenos the Inquisition saved from Commorragh.
  • The Akvrani (which look like a mix of wasps and octopi) smash against the barriers separating them from the visiting humans, while Taylor and Rafaela Harper look on without a care.
  • The next on the list is the Naiads, slug like creatures that somehow know how to speak in Low Gothic and want to establish peaceful relations with humans. When Taylor interrogates them, it turns out that they are willing to make peace with everyone, even the Dark Eldar that had enslaved them.
    (Taylor, narrating) Okay... what in the name of this cursed galaxy were these xenos smoking? Peace?
• One of the worlds in the newly-incorporated Suebi Sub-Sector is called Sparta, and its inhabitants are rebelling. Cue Shout-Out.
  Missy: The Spartan Rebellion. I dread in advance the kind of jokes certain friends of ours are going to make.
  Dragon: Don't worry, there are more than three hundred rebels on the field. And since Sparta is a very cold planet, I rather doubt the opposition will consist of half-naked warriors with bronze shields and spears guarding a mountainous pass.
  Missy: You are taking all the fun out of this, Dragon.
• A Tigrus Tech-Priest attempts to motivate a group of Guardsmen. A Guardsman thinks the Tech-Priest should have taken lessons in giving speeches before.
  Tech-Priest: Your mission, guardsmen, should you decide to accept it, is to escort this Leman Russ Vanquisher along the production line and ensure it is properly armed to fight the enemies of the Omnissiah. As always, should you fail, it is likely the Orks will eat your corpses and this manufactorum will be lost. You have three seconds to present your objections. None? Excellent, proceed!
• Taylor's statue in the middle of Catachan is now complete with a pair of wings.
• Missy finds some of the consequences of Taylor's victory in Commorragh: not only does she have to deal with paperwork, she cannot even go out and punch a few gangs because the few that have survived everything else have decided to become model citizens. And even Dragon gets an above adequate quota of explosions!
• The Enterprise finally arrives to Nyx, and soon becomes swamped with messages to congratulate and thank Taylor for her victory.
  Gavreel: I think our arrival has been noticed.
  Taylor: No, you think?
• What is the second thing (after giving him The Glomp) Missy does to Dennis? Tease about his new status as Rogue Trader and his new relationship with Gabriela. And then "interrogate" her and Olivia Cheshire when the first hint of Dennis being with both women arises.
• When Taylor and Cyrene discuss the future, Cyrene tells Taylor she's being very optimistic about managing the huge numbers of pilgrims that are going to come to Nyx now. Taylor expresses her hopes that the numbers will soon decrease a bit. Cyrene looks at her as if she had just grown a second head.
• After Taylor tells Vista that if she does a good job she will get a Battleship, Dennis complains about not having a Battleship. Taylor points out that Dragon has not complained about having one yet - moment that Dragon takes advantage of to do precisely that.
• A Harlequin suddenly appears in the room, dodging all the Space Marine attacks, and throws a half-naked female Dark Eldar decorated like a Christmas present, ribbon and red packaging included straight at Taylor's face, before jumping out of the window.
  Harlequin: Never hesitate to ask again for Harlequin Webway Deliveries!
  • Who was the "delivery"? Lelith decided to send an emissary to Taylor and let Cegorach take care of the details. Said emissary vows to painfully murder the Harlequin if given the chance and dearly regrets ever wishing for some excitement during her boring guard assignment.
• Pierre returns from his travel to Indiga completely unannounced (and wearing an authentic Indiga hat), and Taylor decides to finally put one over him by "inviting" him to accompany her when welcoming her newest guest. Pierre's reaction when he finds out the guest's identity is gold.
  Herald: Master of Rites of his Legion, Grand Veteran of the Wars of Unification and the Great Crusade, Loyal to the Death and Beyond, Indomitable Rampart of Vigilance and Determination, the Venerable Ancient Rylanor!
  Pierre: OH, NO...
  • Rylanor, after thanking Taylor for avenging the loyalist Emperor's Children, proceeds to fight Pierre - which he finishes up by soaking Pierre in red paint.
• If given the choice between sparring with a few thousands of Catachan warrior-ants and attending a Grand Ball filled with politicians, Jack 'Death' Schwarz (Catachan holder of the Star of Terra and insanely awesome badass) is going to pick the ants.
• The most terrifying thing Wolfgang has encountered: the von Lohengrimm twins, ready to continue where they left off years before.
• Magos 10-Highland-Zeta has to put up with Atlas subsector aristocrats, explaining to them how previous colonization attempts failed because of bad luck. When the aristocrats complain that it wasn't bad luck, the Magos points out in detail how the previous attempts failed because of Atlas incompetence.
  • One colony (or possibly more) failed because of an asteroid collided with it. All because they didn't check collision trajectories in a system with a very unstable asteroid belt that past mining attempts have further destabilized, resulting in a large number of asteroids being on long-term collision courses with the single planet of this system.
  • Then there are the plagues, from the lack of proper maintenance of hydroponics, insufficient numbers of medical personnel and the lack of proper vaccines. Said vaccines were readily available even BEFORE Taylor became Sector Lady.
  • And one time, it was because the captain was caught cheating while on the bridge of his ship by his wife. Someone didn't other observing basic security protocols.
    • The fact that a Magos had to point that cheating on someone makes them angry is nothing short of ridiculous.
• Three words: Krieg Trade Corps. Their default uniform is colored pink and gold; the soldiers are very happy when words comes in they managed to secure a different design.
• Pierre offers to shadow a Dark Angel only to be told he's not being let off the leash just yet, as last time he ended up riding a scorpiad and nearly killed the entire criminal population of a Hive.
• After Leet has an audience with Taylor that doesn't end with her yelling at him, she's initially puzzled by the incredulous looks she's getting from Wolfgang and her bodyguards.
• In order to weaken the defenses of the Throne of Oblivion, Trazyn sabotages its third Replicator Forge... by making it replicate himself two million times. Because a Necron Replicated by a Forge causes the copy to have bugs that make it completely murderous and insane. Sobekhotep calls the averted incident "Trazyn Apocalypse".
  • Sobekhotep actually gets so angry at Trazyn that it completely nullifies the emotion-dampening caused by the biotransference — and he celebrates with Skyward Scream.
  • His ravings and plans of bloody revenge constantly being interrupted by his Master Cryptek Snerferka who just won't stop poking holes in his logic.
    • It doesn't help that his Cryptek is an Necron Dolores Umbridge, complete with "Hem hem hem".
• Warboss Arrgard the Defiler takes a look at the Ymga Monolith and declares he found Vallawaagh. An enemy that refuses to die, what's to not like for an Ork?
• There's a new Titan-Moth, Alec, and he is very lazy. He doesn't get along with Lisa either.
  • Lisa keeps throwing orbs of holy power and water at him, while he steals Lisa's food when she isn't looking.
• The aspirant trials for the Brothers of the Red may have become less or non-lethal, but they are still dangerous: the first test in the year 300M35 is an obstacle course where the last obstacle is Ancient Pierre shooting at them with paint guns.
  • They did have to put their foot down when using soap to make a climbing wall slippery was suggested. The Brothers still want some of the aspirants to finish.
• Xerses Vandire is bordering on inciting a revolt in his home sector by overtaxing the commoners to afford bribes, and the people he's bribing aren't even competent enough to deliver the results he's after.
• Leet and Borek's expedition encounter an Antagonistic Governor in Lomorr Secundus. When said tyrant reveals himself to be a Vandire, Borek nonchalantly kills him - and mentions that Taylor gave him free way to kill any member of Clan Vandire he found and that exasperated him.
  • In a chapter filled with wanted posters for some of the Imperium's worst enemies, there's also a wanted poster Clan Vandire put out on Leet and Borek for killing said Antagonistic Governor.
• A beautiful woman named Sarah asks Leet's expedition for help in rescuing her ship's crew. Sadly for Leet, the "beautiful woman" is actually an artificial intelligence who prefers to look like a cat.
  Leet: You were an artificial intelligence Sarah? NOOOOO!
  Said Artificial Intelligence thought she had definitely dodged a bullet here. She wasn't going to apologise for it, though.
• Leet calls the Cybernetic Revolt "the day where all the machines went full Skynet on humanity." Admiral tells him that phrase was outlawed as AI-racist 20,000 years ago... and then follows up that the franchise hadn't been any good since M4 anyway.
  • The fact that they kept making Terminator movies more than two millenia after the date of the film's Robot War is worth quite a few chuckles.
• After what is assumed to be a lot of time, Gavreel finally dons a new Space Marine Armor and grumpily admits that it is good. Not even Taylor spares him a few jokes.
• Weaver now has a set of giant telepathic golden spiders that can speak through vox-casters. They are all a bunch of hilarious Genki Girls with a penchant for Black Comedy.
  • Bellona, the leader of this group of spiders, is the Combat Commentator for the first games in the Arena of Blades. She also warns Aenaria against hurting any of the other spiders working for Taylor. When Aenaria replies that she could easily kill her if she tries to attack her, Bellona cheerfully agrees, and points out she can do other things... like shutting down the warm water in Aenaria's lodges. Aenaria grimaces and agrees not to attack the spiders.
• The first of Aenaria's apprentice to fight? Maea. Because the other Wyches throw her under the bus the moment Bellona agrees she could make an excellent first fight. They even physically throw her in the arena for her match.
• During Aenaria's fight, Yvraine asks if Maea really got trained under the Queen of Blades. Maea reveals that it took ten thousand deaths until Aenaria agreed she had passed her 'minimal standards'... and then the two sparred - and Aenaria kept a hand tied behind her back while buck naked. And sometimes she would even have a knife.
• A particularly dumb noble decided to "take advantage" of the reduced actions against nobles in Nyx by releasing several tons of toxic substances into a river - right upriver from a team of Mechanicus Biologis doing an unannounced inspection. It only took Missy a day to come in and have the idiot arrested.
• Missy asks for a golden spider to help with the bureaucratic workload. Taylor teases her because a few years before Missy was adamant that spiders would not help solve the "eternal bane of paperwork" - and then tells her she will have her personnel take picts of her and Teddy fighting crime while followed by the spider.
• Drecarth the Sightless betrays the Word Bearers. Paristur and cultists talk about how they figured out that he wanted to betray them.... and then made it happen by doing things such as talking in front of him how the Noctilith of the Pylons could be transformed into Octarite (at least eighteen times), giving him special ammunition and the support of the Legio Krytos he wouldn't have been able to secure by himself and assigning him some of the most treacherous cannibal warbands of the Eye and the most bloodthirsty and rebellious Eighth Legion warbands they could find.
  "Curse you, Drecarth," Paristur said aloud as laughter echoed across the bridge of the Vox Dominus. "Curse you for your timely and anticipated betrayal."
• A Chaos Space Marine lands on Cadia with his troops - and promptly gets pummelled by the defenders from all sides. Surprisingly, a signpost survives the artillery barrage.
  Signpost: Welcome to Cadia.
  "I hate this damn planet."
• Dark Apostle Quor Karmain seethes while trying to divine why the Chaos fleet is taking so long in reaching their objective when Corvus Corax speaks up right behind him. The Primarch points to a container that wasn't there a second before, and tells Quor to cut the red wire if he wants to live.
  Quor Karmain was hardly a specialist in bombs, but he had heard of the rats' traps in Sicarus' catacombs, and the sickly green-glowing stone pulsing and emitting green sparkles was definitely an explosive device if there ever was one.
  And it was connected to over a thousand wires.
  All of them were red.
  "MOTHERLESS BASTARD!" The Dark Apostle erupted.
  Damn it! Damn it! He couldn't let this blow up here. The damage of these unstable stones was bad enough by itself, but if such an explosion went off anywhere near his mirrors and his arcane rituals, it would be a catastrophe, both for the Faithful Sublimation of Chaos and the plans of Blessed Lorgar.
  This...red wire...red wire...maybe this one?
  An enormous pulse of energy not belonging to the Three slammed into him and Quor didn't need anyone's comment to know he had failed.
  "I HATE YOU CORAX!"
  • Next chapter Corvus casually reveals he lied about defusing the bomb. The Skaven would never not detonate a bomb they planted so there's no way to defuse one.
• Super-Mekboy Brukk X-Brukk assaults a Necron ship, and destroys several Necrons... and then spends several minutes pondering what the word "surrender" means.
• When Overlord Simut blunders straight into a field of Kane particles and gets his fleet obliterated Overlord Sobekhotep starts ranting
  Overlord Sobekhotep: SIMUT! SIMUT! GIVE ME BACK MY FLEET!
  Sihathor: My Glorious and Majestic Overlord Simut is—
  Sobekhotep: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMUUUUUTTTT! GIVE ME BACK MY FLEET!
  • Related is Simut's insistence his subordinate address him by all of his honorifics before delivering a report. The subordinate lists a ridiculous number of titles, starts his report... and gets interrupted because Simut wants to hear the rest of the titles.
• When the desperate Necrons retreat from the Orks, the Orks conclude it must be because they're bored with the fight and are going to an even better one.
• Imotekh has a gem when Arrgard's warband shows up to fight the Necrons defending the Golden Crown.
  Imotekh: Whose idea was it to begin the Great Sleep without exterminating the Krork remnants first?
• Even the Necrons know that, if something's wrong, the likeliest answer is "Damn Trazyn!"
  • When the Phaeron Djosakhat learns Orikan had been working to undermine the dynasty, he issues a bounty for the Diviner's capture. Trazyn immediately pops in to try and claim the bounty, only for the Phaeron to immediately order his capture because he's probably guilty of something.
• A noble assigned to a Penal Legion that has been sent into Mandragora takes advantage of his Commissar's death to attempt to leg it - only to run straight into Trazyn, who gleefully takes note of the noble's recitation of his titles for the diorama he intends to make out of him.
• Corvus Corax continues his mission to be the Imperium's biggest Troll by throwing a special bomb at Dark Apostle Oriax which he can only deactivate if he hears to an entire recording and repeats it exactly. Said recording is a pious sermon made by an Imperial Priest. Since his daemonic masters will exact punishment if he repeats anything from the recording no matter how insincere he is, Oriax knows he's screwed whether he triggers the bomb or not.
• Overlord Imotekh the Stormlord realizes something's going on, and turns to a certain Nemesor he's sure he has never met before.
  Imotekh: Sobekhotep was a fool to unleash you.
  Unknown Nemesor: Foolish is not the word one should use for the poor Dust-Maker. (reveals himself as The Deceiver) Did you miss me?
  Imotekh: No.
  The Deceiver: Awwww.
• Xerxes Vandire's latest temper tantrum is triggered by his daughter giving him a report about what their peers are saying about Xerxes' son Ormuz after his incompetent performance at the Battle of Cadia.
  Zenobia Vandire: Err...Admiral Von Bismarck declared...ahem Ormuz was the best Imperial Admiral the archenemy could have wished for.
  Xerxes: Continue.
  Zenobia: Yes...yes, Vice-Admiral Creed of Battlefleet Cadia Secundus declared "I am surprised his ship managed to reach the Cadian Gate given how burdensome his incompetence was for his crew"... Lord Governor Von Waldersee...er... professed his surprise my brother managed to breathe the standard oxygen aboard Navy warships unaided given his manifest stupidity... Archmagos Kappa-3 insists condemning him to servitor-transformation would result in a fifty percent performance increase of whichever Navy force he is part of... Rogue Trader Guts insists my brother is to be checked for abhuman traits, because he showed all the cowardice of a lesser Ratling during battle.
  • Nicephorus is exasperated because he just got done replacing the ruined furnishing of the room from Xerxes's last tantrum.
• Taylor's battle group, in order to counter the strategic prowess of Imotekh and Zahndrekh, eventually perform acts that are seemingly-illogical to the Necrons. One of them was apparently organising a race between soldiers riding Dragon Armours in order to outflank the Necron army. And it worked!
• When Imotekh is surrendering to Taylor's forces, he internally acknowledges that others won't look favorly on him taking The Trazyn Option.
• The Wolf Lord in charge of Fenris when Chaos attacks has a very large direbear as his companion. He named it Boo.
• Due to the threat Fenris suffers, all the Ancient Dreadnoughts are awakened, and among them stands Bjorn Fell-Handed, the oldest living member of the Space Wolves - and he promptly proves that Ancient Pierre doesn't hold the monopoly on kooky Dreadnoughts.
  Olav Direbear: Lord Bjorn, your presence-
  Bjorn Fell-Handed: MY PRESENCE IS THE SIGN SOMEONE HAS FUCKED UP AGAIN. TELL ME WOLF LORD. THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I'M WOKEN UP BECAUSE THAT BASTARD OF A CYCLOPS IS ATTACKING FENRIS. THE FIRST TIME THERE WAS NO GREAT WOLF PRESENT. THE SECOND TIME THERE WAS NO GREAT WOLF PRESENT. I'M BEGINNING TO SEE A FUCKING PATTERN, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
  Olav Direbear: Great Wolf Hakon Krakenslayer has led a great hunt to protect-
  Bjorn Fell-Handed: HAKON OF THE ICE CLAWS? THE WHELP WHO COULDN'T HOLD HIS DRINKS AT HIS FIRST GREAT FEAST?
  Olav Direbear: He has gotten better. And he has hunted three adult krakens alone-
  Bjorn Fell-Handed: I HUNTED KRAKENS BEFORE BECOMING A SON OF RUSS! AND I BEDDED TEN DAUGHTERS OF TEN DIFFERENT TRIBES WHILE SURVIVING THEIR FATHERS' WRATH! A ONE-LEGGED LONG FANG COULD KILL A KRAKEN!
  • All fear a possible meeting between Bjorn and Ancient Pierre. The Empire couldn't possibly survive such a massive amount of ham in the same place.
• The shields on Guts's ship are failing so a crew member suggests they take shelter behind one of the Imperial battleships. Guts responds the last time he looked at the battleships one was in the process of exploding, so he'll pass.
• A Space Wolf initiate with the title "the Frequently Punished" decides to pull his biggest prank ever in the middle of the Black Crusade: He unleashes a horde of Wrath-Badgers on the Chaos warriors. And it works.
  • Lucius gets swarmed and killed by the badgers, something he considers undignified, and realizes on resurrecting that his immortality is waning. Malal manifests an avatar and reveals just this once he's decided to cooperate with another Chaos God... by making a bet with Tzeentch on how many souls Lucius will have left be the time he escapes Fenris.
• After the Battle of the Five Primarchs, Bjorn helps Leman Russ deal with a now daemonic Omegon - and screams at his Primarch for not bothering to send a letter in the past four millenia.
• As a ritual throws Fenris across the galaxy, an officer points out that on the bright side the Administratum of Segmentums Solar and Obscurus will be happy the planet is somewhere else. The Warmaster responds they might just end up in a worse situation: Landing in another Segmentum whose Administratum demands they put Fenris back where it belongs.
• In order to escape a doomed Fenris, the Space Wolves have turned the Fang into a spacefort. This isn't the funny part. The funny part is the Dark Angels' reaction to it. It starts with them utterly flabbergasted to see the mountain take flight while breaking the laws of physics. It continues with Bjorn boasting that, now, the Space Wolves have the biggest space station in existance. To Supreme Grand Master Lucifer's face. It ends with Lucifer hissing that they need to add plagiarism to the list of the Space Wolves' transgressions. He would have added "use of forbidden technology" and "violations of the Edict of Nikea", except those were already there multiple times.
• When a little girl marvels at one of Weaver's spiders' sheer size, her shell-shocked mom answers this is the natural result of eating your soup.
• Ekodas' final scene is especially good for a chuckle:
  Ekodas: Give my leg back! Stupid cat, give it back!
  Elena Kerrigan: Strange last words, but who am I to judge? *beheads Ekodas*
• Magnus is perfectly aware of the stereotype about men sitting on thrones petting furry critters, and gleefully indulges with a Frostlion kitten to troll his brothers. Also, he and Corax commiserating over Russ' Leeroy Jenkins tendencies.
• When Erebus starts looking like he might fall to Catachan Marauders, Khârn promptly and gleefully calls a temporary truce with them just to make sure it sticks, and even gives genuine praise to their technique. The other Dark Apostles, upon hearing of his fall, promptly decide the day is not as bad as it could have been.
• This quote from one chapter after Contessa intervenes to save Saint Celestine's child self, in spite of not having fully recovered from her encounter with the Simurgh:
  Ilmarina: "There's no such thing as overkill when it comes to killing enemies of the Webmistress! Much like there is no such thing as a too large detachment to make sure Inquisitor Contessa is in a hospital bed and doesn't leave it!"
• Aenaria Eldanesh has just destroyed Behemoth, and comes down to Ardium to speak with Taylor, jumping off her ship mid-flight, making a gesture towards the collapsing corpse of the sixty-kilometer-long Tyranid. Taylor can't acknowledge it as a triumph, since Aenaria is still a xenos, but also has to acknowledge it as impressive because Aenaria isn't the kind of person that likes people ignoring her work. What does she say?
  Taylor Hebert: That still only counts as one!
• When Taylor disappears due to Aurelia Malys using a certain Cronesword, Weaver's spiders demand the return of their Webmistress. Aenaria doesn't care much about their demands - until the lead spider threatens to shut off all hot water in her rooms at the Arena of Blades. Aenaria proves amenable to help the defenders of Ardium as long as she keeps getting hot water.
• As Taylor finally decides to flex her authority as the Aeldari Empress, Aenaria is utterly floored and mutters it was supposed to be an empty jest when she acknowledged the human's claim.
• Guts claiming his lover Casca is more beautiful than the Queen of Blades has the female xeno popping right next to him and asking if he really means it. Since he doesn't want to sleep on a cold couch, Guts persists in his opinion and Aenaria actually pouts, complaining that nobody respects her anymore.
  • In addition, Aenaria complains about Guts' display of swordsmanship with his weapon Dragonslayer, calling it an "ugly slab of black metal" and that his lack of elegance and technique is hurting her eyes, which she then demands he don't do it again in her presence.
  • After that, Casca joked at Guts' expense that when Griffith told Guts that using Dragonslayer was going to cost him problems; being berated by the Queen of Blades is not what he had in mind.
  • Aenaria's suggested punishment for the two of them? Marry them in front of a million-sized crowd.
    • And Taylor follows through, by suddenly springing a wedding ceremony in the victory celebrations.
• When Roboute Guilliman meets with Leman Russ and Corvus Corax, Leman Russ' reaction is what you would expect of him.
  Leman Russ: ROBOUTE! FINISHED SLEEPING?
• When Taylor meets Aenaria after the battle, she mentions that her new Aspect of Origin must have come from absorbing Ynesth. Trazyn takes a photo of Aenaria's flabbergasted expression and runs away.
  • Then Aenaria reveals that Ynesth had once been her lover, and proceeds to kiss Taylor senseless. Cegorach promptly kills the moment by joking about getting photos of such a momentous event.
• After the Battle of Macragge, one of the rewards Taylor requests is that no more Imperial ships be named Dragonslayer, as her subordinate Dragon resents that name being used by their allies.
  • This also applies to Guts' Dragonslayer sword as well much to his chagrin.
• When Taylor comes to speak with Freya Bresidas in her rooms, she notes that she will ignore the presence of Kurt Nils in there. And her Adjutant Spider jokingly calls Kurt out for trying to hide in the bathroom.
• Leman Russ arrives on Terra, and the High Twelve are rightly afraid of what he might do, with the Captain-General of the Custodes telling him he's not authorized to kill any of them. In response, Leman organizes a huge party that only ends when all the High Twelve are completely drunk out of their skulls. As aptly put by one commenter:
  Milarqui: He was told he couldn't kill any of the High Twelve. So he settled for giving them a killer headache.
  • During the aforementioned post-battle celebration, Leman Russ gives Xerxes Vandire (who passionately hates Taylor, who is deeply associated with spiders) a spider-shaped helmet as a prank.
• As part of his punishment for all the stuff he did, Magnus is told he has to organize the Emperor's library. Not the one known, but the absurdly disorganized Emperor's private library. Magnus asks if he can trade punishments with Leman - and quickly accepts his own after the Emperor tells him what Leman's punishment is.
• When speaking with the Emperor, Leman Russ finds himself in a large desert inhabited by huge worms - one of which is being ridden by the Emperor, wearing what is clearly a Fremen suit.
  • When the Emperor tells Leman he's going to have to try diplomacy this time, the Wolf Lord protests that he recently showed his best diplomatic skills.
    The Emperor: I must point out that getting my High Lords drunk has not improved their performance.
  • Then, the Emperor reveals what's to be Leman's punishment: one week of cleaning and tidying up his library.
    Leman Russ: Couldn't I do something easier? You know, exterminating all the remaining Sons of Horus? Finding you that bottle of liquor you and Malcador were unable to acquire during the Great Crusade? Maybe catching one of these big worms and offering it to Weaver?
    The Emperor: No.
    The Emperor pushes him off the worm.
    And Leman is reminded why he hates sand a few seconds later.
• A new world in a system that has become important because of its large Noctilith deposits is a frozen hell that has a problem with very dangerous local fauna. One Imperial Guard Colonel tells the system governor she better hope that any Space Marines stationed there like furs and cold. Coincidentally, the new plans for the Space Wolves feature expansion into other worlds...
• The Grand Mistress of the Assassinorum visits Leman Russ in order to point out the concessions he's going to have to make in order to put forward his plans. It's also made clear that she went with more seductive things in mind - and Leman, well-versed in the act, happily reciprocates.
  • Which is followed by a conversation between the Emperor and Malcador, with the latter gleefully prickling his friend about his misadventures with women.
• As Guilliman is planning for his Gloriana to be refurbished and turned back from a museum into a military asset, he notes how much money Macragge is going to lose from the venture. When Aeonid naively suggests to let the pilgrims visit another old ship, the Primarch gently tells his son that he doesn't get tourists.
• Kharsaq El'Uriaq finishes a ritual to pull his domain out of the Webway and into the region known as the Dark Marches, declaring that neither Maelsha'eil Dannan nor any would-be usurper would hope to reach them.
  In a distant future, one where the galaxy burned in the fires of the greatest war of the thirty-fifth millennium, most Drukhari would use this sentence to teach their children that taunting fate always resulted in terrible consequences.
• The King in Yellow offers Malicia a way out in exchange of the Black Blade she wields, but Malicia knows well enough it's a lie, and she tells the King in Yellow that he can and will be vanquished. The King in Yellow that his armies are eternal and can't be vanquished. Cue the WAAAAAAAAAAGH! and Stunned Silence in the entire battlefield.
• One of the reasons why the King in Yellow's plans are failing? As said individual discovers, turns out the Harlequins pulled Leet, Borek, and a pair of Skaven into the King's sanctum, so they would destroy his hourglasses in their attempts to kill each other. And a Harlequin shows up to apologize for the pitiful spectacle the four "combatants" are showing.
  • And when the King tells him to say his Last Words, the Harlequin helpfully points out that the former's throne is no longer empty. 'Cause Rogal Dorn has shown up once more.
• Weaver's Adjutant-Spider eagerly begs to be allowed to inform the Nyx Mechanicus of Leet's return in the system, as they are going to freak out and activate the "Leet Warning Mode".
• Whatever people thought the Emperor's library would be, it's worse. So. Much. Worse.
  • There's a psychic anomaly called "Atemporal Beaver" that keeps teleporting in and out of the library. Magnus somehow keeps running into it.
  • Magnus keeps running into Weaver's Adjutant-Spiders. Which wouldn't be that weird... if it weren't for the fact that they all left Terra weeks before.
  • Magnus repeatedly complains about his father's horrible book-keeping skills.
    Had he mentioned that his father was an avid reader, but a horrible library user who never returned the books to where he had taken them from?
  • When he finds Leman in the library, Magnus complains about it feeling like a year since he cleaned up the mess his brother left in the eastern wings. Leman points out that that happened just three days before.
    Magnus: This would support my theory this library is in a time anomaly or has been the target of some sorcery which resulted in it being plagued by time anomalies.
  • Leman mentions that the Governor of Ichar IV thought the aftermath of the Black Crusade was the perfect moment for him to rebel. Since his system is a key piece of the Eastern Fringe, Weaver is sent to put the rebellion down. Magnus complains about the idiocy of Imperial nobles.
• Inquisitor Berlin and his new colleague Katharina Greyfax meet with Weaver in Ichar IV's Holy Basilica of Martyrs, which Weaver states she wants to raze - among other reasons, because the self-absorbed (now former) Governor put his face in most of the statues meant to represent the Emperor.
  Katharina Greyfax: These statues are supposed to represent the God-Emperor? I thought they were gargoyles!
  (Cue several people coughing and clearing their throats)
• During a meeting between Weaver and the Primarchs in regards to multiple important issues, the Dawnbreaker Guard springs a ceremony to welcome new members - something that Weaver was very much not warned about.
  Weaver: Was there per chance something you 'forgot' to tell me, Gavreel, Gamaliel?
  Pierre: THERE IS! WE WANTED IT TO STAY A SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
  Dawnbreaker Guard members: Traitor.
• Leet and his cogboys get caught racing drones he has painted like Pokeballs for no particular reason (and which are controlled by joysticks), with the arrival of Taylor and Missy interrupting the first race Leet would have ever won. Then, Taylor congratulates Leet for how well the drones work and permits him to keep racing them after office hours, as Missy gapes in shock.

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