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Yugi: (In thought) God, those eyebrows are huge! I can't stop staring at them! It's like if Martin Scorcese and Jennifer Connolly had a baby! Aaand now I'm picturing Martin Scorcese having sex with Jennifer Connolly... Why do I keep doing that?
The exchange at the end between Kaiba and Mokuba at the end of the episode really nails it home. Kudos to Mokuba for finally being the one to say, "Shut up" to somebody else for a change.
Mokuba: Excellent! Soon, nothing will stop us from obtaining his most powerful cards and then I shall rule the world as Emperor Mokuba! Isnít that right, Seto?
Kaiba: Anything for you, Mokuba. Youíre the best little brother a guy could have. I love you.
Mokuba: Shut up, Seto.
The best part would be subverting the SCREW THE RULES I HAVE MONEY joke by playing on Anti-Humor.
Yami laughing uncontrollably when he realises Kaiba was playing the game for fun. The the whole exchange that leads up to this realization is just lovely. The regular Kaiba would be disgusted by his Zero counterpart.
Yami: So, Kaiba, are you ready to enter a world of pain?
Kaiba: Sounds delightful.
Yami: A world where the only noise you hear is that of your haggard breath as you choke on your own entrails?
Kaiba: Positively charming.
Yami: Because Iím going to take you straight down to Hell, Kaiba. And believe me, your torture will never end until Iím satisfied.
Kaiba: I always wanted to visit new places.
Yami: Okay, cut that out.
Kaiba: Cut what out?
Yami: That whole ďhappyĒ thing. Iím not buying it.
Kaiba: I really don't know what you mean.
Yami: Everyone knows that Seto Kaiba is an obsessive egomaniacal scumbag. The only reason youíre playing this game, is to prove youíre the best.
Kaiba: Actually, I'm just playing for fun.
Yami: (disbelieving) Seriously?
Kaiba: (absolutely sincere) I love playing games with my friends
Yami: (disturbed) O-okay stop that.
Kaiba: Especially my closest friends.
Yami: You're freaking me out here!
Kaiba: Like you, Yugi.
Yami: Who the hell are you?
Kaiba: I'm Seto Kaiba. The nicest guy on the face of the planet.
And then, Kaiba joining in on the laughter.
Kaiba: (laughing) Oh, it feels so good to laugh.
Yami: (laughing) I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
And then, when Yugi banish Kaiba, Kaiba delivers this line before disappearing:
Also the running gag about Grandpa's Blue Eyes White Dragon card makes an apperance:
Yugi" Hey, gramps can we please see your ultra rare-chocolatey fudge coated-sugar sprinkled-angelical-magical-fantastical-stupendously special-illegally sexual-genuinely-brilliantly-amazingly-goddamn-spank my ass and call me Suzy-mega-ultra-super card?
Yugi Show us your rare card.
Grandpa saying his original line about Kaiba needed to get laid, which makes no sense in the new context, prompting Yugi to ask why.
Grandpa: I don't know!
Season Zero Abridged Episode 3:
The whole exchange between Yugi and Grandpa at the beginning of the episode is tremendously funny:
Grandpa: Ah, the Millennium Puzzle! I solved it! After all my years of trying, Iíve finally succeeded! (pause) Why donít I remember doing that?
Yugi: Grandpa, you donít even remember what day it is.
Grandpa: Pudding day?
Yugi: Not a real day, Grandpa. And, besides, I solved the Puzzle.
Grandpa: Look, thereís an inscription! Whoever solves this Puzzle shall be granted its dark power. At last, I shall have dominion over all living things! And pudding.
Yugi: No, Grandpa, thatís not how it-
Grandpa: (puts his hand in front of Yugiís face) Mind Crush, Yugi!
Yugi: Thatís not how it works!
Grandpa: I am now a sexy Egyptian Pharaoh, Yugi, who will go on many adventures with his friends.
Grandpa: King of Games!
Grandpa: Whereís that Tťa girl? She likes me now.
Grandpa: (puts his hand in front of Yugiís face again) Mind Crush, Yugi!
Yugi: Stop that.
Bakura's cameo at the beginning of the episode is funny but pitiful when he threatens to jump off the school roof but no one seems to care. One student even encourages him to jump and scolds him when Bakura changes his mind.
The burger joint that Tťa and Tristin work at is frequented by the most random of people, including Hayao Miyazaki, Patrick Stewart, and Mr. Creosote. None of them seem particularly fazed when the burger joint is taken hostage. Miyazaki just keeps animating "cute shit" at his table like nothing is wrong.
After Tea is slapped for singing "Fireworks" off-key...
Yami's method of dealing with the criminal is to set him on fire. The sheer brutality of it (and the reactions of everyone that isn't Yami or Tea) Crosses the Line Twice. Bonus points for being canon, if not the Season Zero, then to the original Manga.
The intro exposing the backstory of the Shadow Game is absolutely hilarious:
"Thousands of years ago, people were very bored, because card games haven't been invented yet; so in order to pass the time, they started killing each others with magical powers. Then, one day, a nameless Egyptian pharaoh with ridiculous hair decided to lock the magic away so that its evil could never fall into the wrong hands. And so the people of Egypt were forced to spend their time building pyramids; which ironically, was just as tedious as playing card games."
The Movie: Pegasus shouting: "Hurry! Get to da choppah!" in his refined voice.
Yugi running from the zombies, with a speech bubble above him reading "lol, yugi", and several of the zombies having "lol, brains", whilst "Running in the 90's'" plays in the background, as inspired by a Memetic Mutation from YTMND.
Joey: Wow; an action sequence that doesn't involve a children's card game.
Tristan (after punching straight through a zombie): "HOLY SH** ON A SH** SANDWICH!!"
Joey (running from another zombie): THIS SCENE'S SURPRISINGLY VIOLENT!!
Tristan (breaks his arm free by ripping his zombie in half): Did you see that?! I just tore that guy's f*** ing arm clean off! This is the BEST MOVIE EVER!
Yugi: "Here goes nothing! (Throws dagger and fails) ....Damn I suck!"
There's also the moments in the beginning where Holo-Yugi and Kaiba are dueling. Kaiba jumps on top of his Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon with a "Wheeeee!" and then they have difficulty hearing one another until Kaiba pulls a split screen.
Pegasus flirting with Kaiba.
"There's a man in my head that tells me to burn things."
The time when Yugi explains about the Shadow Realm to Yusei and Jaden and doesn't take it well:
Yugi: You know, the Shadow Realm. The big, purpley cloud place you go to when something really bad happens to you.
Jaden: I think you're talking about Hell!
Yugi: No, it's the Shadow Realm. Y-You know, when people fall from a really tall building, or they get stabbed in the chest... They go straight to the Shadow Realm! What, you guys don't have the Shadow Realm in your future?
LittleKuriboh: We at Yugioh Abridged like to apologize for the lack of 3D content in this movie, however we like to think this is totally justified since 3D is bullsh*t and adds absolutely nothing to the cinema experience. So please, enjoy your 2D movie. Because it's cheaper and much less obnoxious.
Yes. The first four minutes—beginning with the original Yugioh cast doing an old-timey "let's go down to the lobby" style jingle, getting interrupted by the 5Ds cast doing a Death Metal extravaganza, half of which consists of threatening the audience should they commit disorderly conduct while the other half is them gloating over how they now have your money, and then moving into Yusei's nightmare (see the first entry under the film for details) may be the funniest opening four minutes to any comedy movie, EVER.
To give credit where credit is due, this sequence is a copy of the opening sequence to Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters. Doesn't make it any less hilarious to see Yusei telling the audience that Satan will rain hot acid down their throats, dissolve their testicles and turn their guts into snakes if they videotape the movie they are about to see.
Yugi very slowly telling Yusei that they are going to play a card game on the ground and not on a motorcycle. Then goes on to say that he doesn't want Yusei to try and ride his duel disk.
Yami: Now Yusei, I should point out that this card game is not going to take place on a motorcycle. I hope you understand that. I don't want you to try to- ride on your duel disk or something. We're just going to be standing firmly on the ground-
Yusei: I know how to duel.
Yami: Well okay then.
Yusei's reaction whenever Paradox cuts out on him.
Yusei: I totally won that duel back there.
Paradox telling the Pwwotangonists about his intentions:
Yusei: Paradox. Why are you trying to destroy the world?
Paradox: I'm not trying to destroy the world. I'm trying to save it.
Yusei: NOT IF WE CAN STOP YOU— wait, what?
Paradox: In the future, the world as we know it has been destroyed. Humanity's ignorance has made the world become wavvaged, and wifeless.
Yami: 'Wavvaged' and 'Wifeless'?
Jaden: But how? Was it global warming?
Yusei: Nuclear war?
Paradox: No, none of those things happened. What destroyed the world was.... caaaaarrrrdddd gaaaaammmmeeeessss.
"BYE YUSEI! DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW! IT'S PEEEEEEEEE!!!"
The four times Marik held his Evil Council Of Doom.
And the one time Melvin held it.
Evil Council 1:
Everyone getting off-track and talking about whether Pegasus is gay or not, and Marik desperately trying to keep everyone on topic.
Marik: Silence! I command you all to shut the f*eff*k up! We didn't come here to discuss Pegasus's ambiguous sexual orientation.
Zork: I did.
Marik: Shut up.
Evil Council 3:
Florence, Steve Luna, Steve Umbris, Zork and Rebecca's possessed teddy bear discussing LOST before Marik comes in...
Marik: [Enter] SILENCE! Steve Umbris: Yes, silence! Everybody bow down to your digital ruler! Steve Luna: Bow down, muchachos! Marik: HEY! What part of "Silence!" don't you people understand?! Steve Umbris: The part where you apologize to us for having such a horrible attitude. Steve Luna: That part! Marik: Oh. Well...in that case, I'm...very sorry. Steve Umbris: That's much better. Please continue with your lame speech. Marik: Right, yes. Well, as I was saying...SILENCE! Florence: ...Marik, nobody was saying anything. Marik: It was a preemptive silence! Florence: Oh. So...you silence the silence. Good job. Marik: Yes! That silence didn't know what hit it!
Then, when Dartz and his minions set their scheme in motion:
Dartz: Mah fwiends, dere is only one way to defeat that dooshbag...we will dew him! (Uncomfortable silence) Rafael: ...um, did you say "do him"? Dartz: I said DEW HIM! What part of 'dew him' doncha understand, dooshbag!? We're gunnah dew him! Toogeda! All foh of us, we gunnah dew him! Dew him hard and thowowowy. We will dew him so hard dat he will feel it in the mo'ning when he wakes up! Alister: Um, boss? Are you serious? Dartz: Yes, you ayzhole! What, you want me to dew you, too? Alister: No sir! Dartz: Then keep yo' mouth shut, mayn! Okay, mayn?! Yeah. So we're gunnah duew him...on motuhcycles! Valon: Won't that be kind of...uncomfortable? Dartz: (legitimately confused) What the (EFF) are you talking about, mayn? Rafael: Yeah, I...I don't wanna do anybody on a motorbike— Dartz: Dueeeew! Rafael: ...are you saying "do" or "duel"? Dartz: DUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!! Rafael: ...so, you want us to do Marik? Dartz: Yes! And I will stand here and watch you dew him! (Beat) Alister: Well, okay then...let's go...do...Marik...I guess... Dartz: Dew him, dooshbags! THOWOWOWY!
It comes back as a Brick Joke at the end of the video:
Marik: GAAAAH! I AM 100% STRAIGHT! HONESTLY! Alister: ...so, can we do you now? Marik: GET OUT OF MY HOTEL ROOM!
Steve Luna: Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care, Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care, Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care~ Florence: Well if you don't care then please stop bloody telling us about it! Steve Luna: Man, don't be ruining my flow! Florence: Your flow is of no concern to me! I simply wish for you to shut your mouth hole before I nail it shut!
Florence: Uh, oh! Hello, um, Melvin. Fancy meeting you here. Actually I think we were all rather expecting Marik.
Melvin: Oh, really? Are you disappointed?
Florence: I believe "terrified" would be more appropriate.
Steve Luna: Like a Boss!
Florence: Shut up you fool, or he'll kill you where you stand!!!
Zorc singing 'Destroy the World' to the tune of A Whole New World from Aladdin.
Dartz is going after...something else...
Dartz: Here's what we're gunnah do, mayn. We're gonna find Yuu-gay Mowtoe, and we're gunnah take his deeck. (Uncomfortable silence ensues.) Rafael:What. Dartz: His deeck! You know mayn, his deeck. We awl got deecks. You got a deeck, I got a deeck, Hell, I could whip out my deeck right now and show you! Rafael: NO, NO, NO. Please don't, I'll just trust that it's there. Zombie Boy: Uh... is he saying deck or *BEEP*? Valon: Eh, sometimes it's best not to ask. Dartz: Now itís crucial that you guys donít (EFF) this up. So I want you to cwose yoh eyes and imagine that yoh standing in front of Yuu-gay Mowtoe. Rafael:(kneeling) Okay, now what? Dartz: Now, reach out and gwab his deeck. Rafael:Oh, no. Dartz: And pull it towards you. Rafael: Oh, this canĎt be happening. Dartz: Then I want you to cut his deeck into three pieces! Rafael:Mother of God! Dartz: And each of you will take One Piece of his deeck and twavel to a different part of the planet. And then his deeck will belong to us! Rafael: Uh, is...is that it? Can we open our eyes now? Dartz: No, man. Thereís one more part to the pwan. Rafael:Of course there is. Dartz: Next, we gonna take Mai Vawentineís deeck! (Raphael vomits)
Yugi: (answering the phone) Hello? Yes, this is Yugi Moto. ...you wanna take my what?! No! That's disgusting! ...what do you mean "Does Mai Valentine have one"?!
This part from the third Evil Council video:
Marik: I'm not gay! [Bakura laughs] What? What's so funny?
Bakura: Come on, Marik, we all know!
Marik: Know what?
Rex: Uh, heheh, yeah, we know.
Weevil: Heheh, yeah, we know.
Pegasus: I definitely know!
Marik: Know what? What the hell does everybody know?
Bakura: Marik, I believe it's time you came out of the closet.
Marik: Oh, what, just because a guy likes to dress effeminately and hang around with another extremely attractive man and read yaoi and flaunt his gorgeous abs and stroke a phallic symbol suggestively in every other scene, that automatically makes him gay?!
Marik: You're all pricks!
Bakura: Well no wonder you like us so much!
Marik: "There are no women in Yu-Gi-Oh! There are only extremely girly men! And I am the girliest of them all!"
Pegasus: "Keeeep, telling yourself that!"
Evil Council 5 in it's entirety, when it's not being a Tear Jerker that is:
Pegasus: (breaking up an argument between Marik and Bakura) Girls, girls, you're both very pretty... But try as you might, you'll never be as pretty as me.
Shadyvox and xthedarkone make a cameos later as Jaden and Syrus and its as funny as you would think
Jaden: Gentlemen, the hour is upon us. We must make ready our dark forces and ride forth to slaughter our enemies. All those who oppose me shall die. Are there any questions?
(a Dr. Crustatio, a lobster plush pops up)
Dr. Crustatio: (Jadenís voice, only higher) Gee, Jaden, do you think we have time to go to the bathroom first?
Jaden: I thought I told to go before we left, Dr. Crustatio!
Dr. Crustatio: I know, but I just got so excited, I drank all the orange juice.
Jaden: Who the hell brought orange juice?
(a walrus plush comes up on the other side)
Walrus: (Jadenís voice, only deeper) Sorry, Jaden, I though this was a picnic.
Jaden: Dammit, guys, how is anybody gonna take us seriously as an evil force if youíre all being so unprofessional!?
(Syrus walks in)
Syrus: Hey, Jaden. Have you seen all my- Oh my God! What is all this? A-are those your dolls?
Jaden: NOTHING! No-no-nothing! Go away! And KNOCK next time before you see the nothing that I was doing!
Yugi running away from (apparently) Kemo with Gary Stu: "I really gotta quit smoking."
Whenever the Dark Magician makes an appearance, one of the "Magical Trevor" songs is played. note For the record, this has happened in Episodes 13 (against the Paradox Brothers), 22 (against Duke Devlin), and 35 (flashback— against Arcana).
When they're being chased by the giant boulder, comparing it with the 4KiDS dialogue makes it a lot funnier.
Yugi: It got Bakura!
Tťa: Oh no!
Abridged Series version:
Yugi: It got Bakura!
Also in the Pyramid of Light Movie. 4KiDS version:
Anubis: Your opponent tried and failed to destroy the Pyramid with that dragon. You alone couldn't have made such a difference.
Yami: You're quite right that I could not have done it all alone.
Yami: Nope, it was all me, baby.
The Vagina Monologues. Not for the easily offended— a redub of the first episode, except it replaces certain words with... yeah. It must be seen to be believed. (Made even funnier by the fact that everyone's trying to not burst into laughter while doing it and failing multiple times!)
"I'm here for your vagina, old man, and I won't take 'no' for an answer! Now GIVE IT TO ME!"
"That Kaiba kid needs a vagina." "BIG VAGINA!"
"Big brother! Is it time for my vagina yet?"
"No! It's because the vagina makes no sense and no one can figure out how to do it."
"SCREW THE VAGINA, I HAVE A VAGINA!"
"My vagina's pretty crazy, too! I'm thinking about shaving it!"
"Hey, My vagina's missing"
My grandpa's vagina has no pathetic vagina, Kaiba, except maybe for vagina, but it also has a vagina!
Cut to Kaiba jumping down from his dragon shaped jet onto a crowded stadium wearing a jetpack
Joey: ...I'd hate to see it out of control.
The Deleted Scenes Montage, especially the part where we're shown Joey's thought process, even though it doesn't really do him any god, or the part where Tristan found the remote to Duke's theme music.
Tristan: (The Pokemon theme plays) I don't even know what that is!
Yami: But you didn't have to kill my dad, punch him in the face until his skull broke into pieces. I don't even need your Vault,but you treat me like a stranger and it's all your fault. No you didn't have to stoop so low, have security beat me with nightsticks and cockroaches.Guess that I don't need that though, now you're just a vault-dweller I used to know.
After a video with repeated references to Liam Neeson's "I don't know who you are" speech on Taken, we see the clip of that same speech...with Marik at the other end of the phone call.
Marik: ...this is the worst phone sex line I ever called.
The Vagina Monologues Episode 2. Like the first one, if they said "Vagina" a couple times it would have been funny. But the fact that they just keep on saying it made it hilarious. Complete with the highly-contagious laughter of Erin Fitzgerald.
"Hey, Yug. Tristan's vagina taught me a valuable lesson today..."
"I love watching the vagina channel!"
"I don't even get a training vagina?"
"Wait a minute, how do I do the vagina?"
"Oh man, his vagina's even more powerful than mine!"
"Hey Weevil, check it out. My vagina's horny."
"And in order to get you to enter the vagina, I'm going to force you enter a vagina game. Win in fifteen minutes, and I'll release your vagina."
"You can see into my vagina!?"
"These vaginas battled with real vaginas and real vaginas. So as you can imagine, it was a great deal more exciting than the watered down vagina I created."
"Go home TV, you're drunk! And I might be high...."
Marik singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" but with lyrics involving Slender Man.
Marik: You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why: Slender Man is coming to town. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've collected 5 of 8 pages so be good for goodness sake.
After Marik turns on the radio and it plays Country music, Marik breaks into song on how Country music sucks.
Marik in confusion on how there's no shower in the house and wondering how the people clean themselves.
Marik freaking out after Bakura tells him how his head is a balloon.
Marik: My head is not a balloon- Oh my god what if it is?! Oh no! Somebody! Somebody inflate my head! Bakura, blow into me! * Bakura breaks out laughing* Marik: Oh my god there are aliens too, what is this?! This isn't funny, my head's gonna pop at any minute, you have to do something! Oh, anybody out there know what to do if your head is a balloon?! No? Okay!
After Marik leaves the room filled with papers of Slender, we have this:
Marik: Well, that was a fairly uneventful trip. I suppose I'll take this and go then. Nothing's happening. SLENDY: HeY GuYs! * A bloodcurdling scream is heard* Marik: Oh great, plot is happening. *shouts outside the window* Stop screaming, you'll attract all the Slender Men!
Marik going down the slide, while breaking into an impromptu "Zarathustra" theme.
Just generally hearing near perfect imitations of epic voices like Yami Yugi's and Kaiba's saying the often ridiculous dialogue.
Yami: Hey, sweetcheeks, you wanna get off the dancefloor? I'm about to shake my moneymaker.