Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series (Season One) / Funny

Crowning Moments of Funny for Season 1 of Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series. Please list the examples in episodic order.

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Episode 1 - Pilot

This one:
Kaiba: I'm here for your Blue Eyes, old man, and I won't take no for an answer. Now give it to me.
Yugi's Grandpa: No.
Kaiba: (in a bland monotone) Curses. Foiled again.
Then later:
Grandpa: That Kaiba kid needs to get laid.
Tristan: Big time.
Then:
Kaiba: (over the phone) I kidnapped your grandpa, Yugi, and then I dueled him into submission. So could you get over here and call an ambulance for him? I have far too much money to be expected to do it myself.
Yugi: Wait, who is this?
The Take That! to the original anime version:
Grandpa: For some reason, playing a card game has somehow caused me to become severely injured!
And also:
Joey (after Kaiba ripped Grandpa's Blue Eyes White Dragon) What the heck did you do that for?
Kaiba: So that it could never be used against me.
Yugi: In that case, why not just tear up every card in the whole world?!
Kaiba: Shut up and duel me!
Right after:
Yugi: Don't worry Gramps, I'll win this duel with your deck!
Grandpa: Wait-Wait a minute, I've been injured, so you're going to steal my deck and go play cards with your arch-rival?
Yugi: Pretty much.
Grandpa: No wonder your parents are never around!
This bit of gold.
Téa: Gather round everyone, and I'll mark us with a special sign! (Draws a smiley face on their hands)
Joey: Hey, Téa, not for nothing, but ain't this permanent marker?
Téa: Oh...whoops...
Joey: What the heck? What were you carrying that thing around for anyway?
Téa: I'm a kleptomaniac, I stole it from school.
Tristan: Hey, my wallet's missing!
Téa: Kaibatookit!
The birth of Screw the Rules, I Have Money!.
Near the end of the episode:
Yami: Kaiba, if you truly want to know, then TALK TO THE HAND!!! (mind crush)
And finally, the first thing that Grandpa says as soon as he wakes up in the hospital:
Grandpa: I wet myself...

Episode 2 - Rocky VII

"You bastard! You turned him into a mime!"
This dialogue just as the tape is inserted.
Grandpa: I just hope this isn't one of those cursed videotapes that are all the rage these days...
Pegasus: (on videotape) Seven daaaays.
Grandpa: Oh snap, I knew it!
Yugi looking through Joey's cards, realizing that they're much stronger than his, so he decides to steal them and says to Joey he will 'improve' it. Made even funnier when he dueled Pegasus.
Yugi: I'll beat you with the cards I took from — I mean the cards that Joey gave me.
Joey learns that he needs to become a better duelist. How does he learn that lesson? From Tristan singing the Barney & Friends theme song.
"Oh, Black Luster Soldier, no one must ever know of our forbidden love."
Rex and Weevil's Beavis And Butthead-esque exchanges:
Rex: Hey, Weevil, check it out; my dinosaur's horny. Huhuh. Geddit?
"Let's see how your Grandpa manages... without his soul!" To a non-Yu-Gi-Oh! fan, that's so out of nowhere, and the delivery is perfect.
Yugi: Grandpa... Grandpa!
Joey: Hey Yug, down in front!
Tristan: Yeah, we were watching that!

Episode 3 - My Cards Will Go On

Yugi asks Joey if he remembers how they became friends, but Joey only seems to remember the part where he and Tristan were bullying Yugi.
Flashback Joey and Tristan: TORRRRRRRRMEEEEEEEEEEENT!
- "Remind me why we're friends again".
Joey tells Yugi and the rest of the gang that his parents got divorced... because apparently, he tried teaching his sister Serenity how to drive.
Serenity: (Crying inside a car) Joey! Stop this crazy thing!
Joey: (Chasing after Serenity) Apply the handbrake, ya dumb broad!
"You're here, there's noooothing I fear..."
- Joey: "Must.. risk.. life.. for cards!"
And the birth of a Running Gag—"In a few hours, the sun will rise!"
- Coupled with a "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer, since the line was actually used in the show itself.
Joey almost ends up getting kicked off of the cruise because his hair wasn't crazy enough.
- How does he get permission to stay on the cruise? Yugi's hair is ridiculous enough for both of them. Immediately afterwards:
Joey: Thanks, Yugi. Man, your hair really is crazy! What the heck is your secret?
Yugi: L'oreal. Because I'm worth it! (L'oreal logo appears above his head)

Episode 4 - Lord of the Cards (a.k.a "Rex and Weevil in, 'Huh-huh, You Said, "Man-Eater Bug"'")

The opening shout-out to Beavis and Butthead.
When Tristan was freaking out about evil rings and hobbits, Téa points out why any of those things would be on the island. Cue shot of Bakura's Millennium Ring and little "hobbit" Yugi.
- Tristan's comment about rings and hobbits was prompted by Joey mentioning Lord of the Flies.
The Kill Bill montage, when Joey asks Yugi if he forgave him for stealing a part of his puzzle.
Yugi: (with a subtle hint of suppressed anger) Sure, Joey, sure. *cue ironside theme*
"Now quiver in fear, as my knight's mighty lance penetrates your moist cocoon!"
"What are you, a virgin or something?"
Weevil turning into Cornholilo.
[new episodes every week]

Episode 5 - My Funny Skankentine

The "ad" at the beginning:
Yami: Yu-Gi-Oh is sponsored by Yugios. They're Yugilicious. Wait a minute, "Yugilicious?" Is that even a word?
Yugi: It lets the kids know that they're tasty!
Yami: Yes, but "Yugilicious"? Are they supposed to taste like Yugi, or something?
Yugi: Yami...
Yami: How exactly do you go about testing something like that? I mean... besides the... obvious method...
Yugi: Just. Say. The line. You amateur-
Yami: Fine. Yugios: apparently, they're Yugilicious. Okay, now where's my *BEEP*ing paycheck?
"Hooray, for censorship!" *Cue 4kids logo*
"Don't let her boobies distract you, Joey."

Episode 6 - Everybody Hates Mako

The entire teaser with Mako:
Yugi: D-did you just throw a harpoon at me?
Mako: Um, I didn't want you to leave. A-and I wasn't sure how else to get your attention.
Yugi: Just ask! Just say "Hey Yugi, could you stay a little longer?" Don't lob a freaking harpoon at me! Seriously! That's like the rudest ~~thing ever~~ Fing Evah!
- And soon after that:
Joey: Get bent, you freaky fish guy!
Mako: I am not a freaky fish guy!
Yugi, Joey, and Tristan: (sing-song) Mako's a freaky fish guy!
- Mako seems disappointed nobody wants to hang out with him, even though he was literally just taught that throwing harpoons isn't a good way to bond with others. The gang leave him alone, quite realistically disturbed.
Yugi: That Mako guy was a fucking psycho!
Joey: It's enough to make you appreciate that Pegasus fella.
"Why don't you ever answer me, ocean?"
Mokuba, (Seto's kid brother) has just stolen Yami/Yugi's star chips.
Mokuba: Stealing makes everything better.
Yami: Wait Mokuba! You mustn't do this thing! Think! What would your brother say if he saw you right now?
Seto: (in Mokuba's imagination): Well done, Mokuba! Now steal something from Joey, too!
Yami: Okay, but what would he say if he wasn't a complete douchebag?
The scene where Kaiba is working on his "new hologram doohickeys":
Henchman: (to Kaiba) Don't move a muscle or we'll shoot you with our invisible guns.
Kaiba: (jumps out window) I'm too rich to die!
Henchman: (looks out window) There's no way he could have survived that fall.
Kaiba: (from down the cliff) Actually, I seem to be OK.
Henchman: Nope, he's definitely dead.
Kaiba: You guys are idiots!
Henchman: (answering back) At least we're not dead. Like you.
Comparing defining traits;
Tristan: My voice gives me super strength!
Kemo: Yes, but my hair gives me the power to defy gravity!
In a flashback, Mokuba is talking to Seto:
Mokuba: Seto! What's wrong?
Seto: (shows suppressed anger) They wrote my character out of the show, Mokuba.
Mokuba: No way! But you're Yugi's arch-rival!
Seto: And I haven't been in a single episode since he defeated me. Since he's the star, he thinks he can hog all the screen time for himself. I mean, just look at Bakura.
Mokuba: Who the hell is Bakura?
Seto: Precisely. Now, I'm going to hide in some undisclosed location. You stay here and guard my multimillion-dollar company while I'm gone. Kay, thanks.
Mokuba: But, Seto! What if an evil group tries to take over while you're missing?
Seto: Oh, come on, Mokuba. What are the odds of that happening?
(cut to scene of Pegasus)
Pegasus: So, let me get this straight, gentlemen. Now that Kaiba boy has gone missing, your evil group wishes to seize control of his company?
Group of men: That is correct.
Mokuba: I f**king knew it!
The ending:
Ghost Kaiba: This time Yugi, you don't stand a ghost of a chance...
Tristan: Oh no! He has even less personality than before!

Episode 7 - Cliffhanger

The ENTIRE opening:
Yami: (narrating) Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh!...
(cut to Yugi and Téa)
Téa: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant, and Yami's the father.
(cut to Joey on the phone with Tristan)
Joey: Tristan! Don't leave me!
Tristan: I'm sorry, Joey. It's just not working out between us.
Joey: BUT I LOVE YOU!
(cut to Yugi and Téa again)
Téa: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant, and Weevil's the father.
(cut to a panicked Yugi)
Yugi: Grandpa! So you're the one who shot Tristan!
(cut to a frustrated Grandpa)
Grandpa: Yes, it was I!
(cut to Yugi and Téa yet again)
Téa: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant, and Bakura's the—
Yugi: No *BEEP*ing way!
Téa: Okay, I lied about that one.
(cut to Seto Kaiba's "ghost")
Ghost Kaiba: This time Yugi, you don't stand a ghost of a chance.
(cut to Tristan and Yugi)
Tristan: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant! And you're the father!
Yami: (narrating) And now the thrilling conclusion! Wait a minute, did any of that stuff actually happen?
- Somehow, the idea that Weevil got Téa pregnant is more believable than Bakura getting Téa pregnant.
"Wait a minute, how the hell did I climb up the side of a cliff while holding a briefcase? And for that matter, how the hell did I get here?"
Yami duels who is apparently the ghost of Seto Kaiba. Yami is unconvinced that he's a ghost the entire time they duel:
Yami: Does anyone believe for even one second that this guy is a ghost?
Tristan: I do!
Yami: Anyone besides Tristan?
(pause)
Tristan: I do!
- Not shortly after:
Yami: If you're a ghost then I'm straight.
When the "ghost" reveals his true form... which is a gay clown:
Yami: Aha! See? You're not a ghost at all! You're some kind of... gay clown, apparently.
Téa: (frightened) Ew, it's slightly more repulsive than regular clowns.
Gay Clown: Actually, I'm not a clown. I'm Seto Kaiba's evil side brought back from the Shadow Realm by Pegasus-
Yami: That's even less believable than the whole ghost story! You don't even know what you are, do you?
Gay Clown: (nervously) No...
Yami: Didn't think so. MIND CRUSH!
(cut to the Gay Clown receiving a mind crush and dying from it)
Yami: Did I just kill a gay clown?
- And immediately after the above:
Tristan: That ghost didn't scare me, even if I did just sh*t my pants!
Just Kaiba: The Kaiba Cave, his 1337 h4xxorz 5kI11z, the Blue Screen of Death...
Computer: It looks like you're just pressing the same keys over and over again.
Kaiba: That's because I learned how to hack by watching all episodes of Star Trek.
- The computer then brags that due to its advanced technology, it can make Pegasus's systems look like a really boring video game.

Episode 8 - The Plot Thinnens

The beginning where everybody flips out over Tristan's voice suddenly changing (in reference to the original dub where Tristan's voice actor was replaced as of episode 11 [the episode in which episode 8 parodies]).
Joey says that it's a shame that they let Mokuba get kidnapped again, before Yugi reminds him that Mokuba gets kidnapped once a week and assumes that he's used to it. Gilligan Cut to Mokuba chained up inside a dark cell, looking incredibly gloomy, and says "It feels like I'm dying inside!"
Near the end where the gang met up with the (secretly evil) Bakura.
Bakura: This is my favorite card!
(holds up card of Sephiroth while Ominous Latin Chanting plays in the background)
Bakura: Oops, wrong one!
Also from Episode 8:
Bakura: There's something else I need to tell you. (Millennium Ring activates, changing from Good!Bakura into Evil!Bakura) You're a bunch of idiots.
Yugi: This came completely out of nowhere!
Bakura: (traps the others in cards) That's what you get for hogging all of my screen time, you little bitch.
The ending where the gang are struck with grief over the death of "Tristan's voice", particularly the part where they reenact how it happened:
Joey: Tristan's Voice! Have you been drinking again?
Tristan's Voice: I can't remember, because I'm soooo drunk!
Joey: Hey! Don't run with those scissors!
Tristan's Voice: You're not the boss of me! (smack) Ouch!
Joey: (in an extremely deadpan tone) Oh no, he's dead.
Tristan has run off on Joey's duel, but returns:
Tristan: Hey, Joey! I'm back to watch your card game!
Joey: Hey Tristan! I don't care!

Episode 9 - El Juegos De Tarjeta

The entire "Previously, on Yu-Gi-Oh!" opening sequence in the Latin American Spanish dub, complete with terrible subtitles.
"All your puzzle are belong to me."
"Gah! Growth hormones!"
Bakura: (possessing a card) I've taken control of this woman's body in order to save you guys. And I don't mind telling you it feels bloody great!
Evil!Bakura: By the gods, that's exactly what I want to look like!
- Made funnier by the fact that, after Abridged!Yami's Running Gag of lavishing praise to how sexy his voice is, many commenters said that they actually found Yami' Latin American Spanish voice sexy.
When Bakura loses:
Bakura: I shall be a main character! Even if it takes me another two hundred bloody episodes.
The Zorc and Pals opening. "Who's that crazy kook destroyin' the world? It's Zorc—that's me!—it's Zorc and Pals." And the ending: "The blood of the innocent will flow without end, his name is Zorc and he's destroyin' the world." (Just see for yourself!)
Yugi insisting that Yami telling him how to win isn't cheating. No one buys it, not even Yami himself!
Joey: Hey, big Yugi! Has little Yugi been cheating this whole time?
Yami nods
Yugi: Oh you guys can all just go straight to Hell!
"I place Tea in face-down position. I've always wanted to say that."

Episode 10 - Both of You, Duel Like You Want to Win

The episode cuts to a parody of the Neon Genesis Evangelion opening sequence complete with Gag Subs for the theme song:
"The card game's thesis/will soon be set in defense mode/with surging hot life-points/if you activate a trap card/Embracing the Swords of Revealing Light/young boy, play some card games"
"I cast Magic Missile at the darkness!"
Immediately afterwards:
Bakura: I say! That was a superb strategical move at a critical juncture!
Joey: Who the hell said you could hang out with us?
What Joey said about the episode:
Joey: Geez, this is a lousy episode. It reminds me of our spinoff show, Yu-Gi-Oh DMX.
(cue Yu-Gi-Oh GX opening with DMX's "X Gonna Give It To Ya")
Joey: Honestly, who would want to watch a bunch of rap artists playing card games?
Tristan: Hey, I like that show.
Joey: Touch me again, Tristan, and you're going home in a body bag.
Also;
Yami: Bullying is just wrong. Destroying people's brains with magical powers is A-OK!
Episode 10 is the one with New Rules as the Plot Demands.
Yami: With my Catapult Turtle, I can launch my Dragon Champion toward your castle, shattering its flotation ring thereby causing it to collapse on top of your monsters!
Bakura: This card game is a load of bollocks!
- Followed immediately by Panik breaking out his flamethrowers to the tune of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".
At the end:
Mai: Could I have my star chips back now?
Yami: Only if you beg me. C'mon, get on your knees.
Mai: You're kidding, right?
Yami: Did I stutter or something? Bark like a dog, woman!

Episode 11 - In America

When Bakura is introduced as a new student from Britain, the students all go, "What's wrong with his voice?" "Is he a girl?" "Go back to Russia!" "I wanna go home..."
Bakura: You blokes are a bunch of wankers.
When Yugi notes that Bakura's Millennium Ring has begun pointing:
Bakura: Oh, that's just my gaydar. My father had it installed in my Millennium Ring in order to protect me, because I look so bloody effeminate!
Yugi: I wonder why it's pointing towards Pegasus' castle...
Bakura: Bugger if I know.
(cut to Pegasus)
Pegasus: This tournament is simply FABULOUS! Ooh! Let's celebrate by watching the Spice Girls movie!
Croquet: Oh, not again...
- And at the end of the episode:
Pegasus: Ooo-oo-ooh! I can sense you, Kaiba boy! And when you get here... I'm going to spice up your life. (Cut to credits as "Wannabe" plays)
When Kaiba recalls the time he dueled against Yugi in episode 1, what he remembers is a little... different:
Kaiba: Screw the rules, I have green hair!
- After that Kaiba claims that he should probably cut down on the drugs.
After Kaiba defeats Joey:
"You don't know what you're up against. Pegasus is ruthless. Camp... but ruthless!
In Bakura's Flashback:
Bakura: (voiceover) I was watching you play card games with your mates, when my Millennium Ring started pointing towards your Millennium Puzzle! I can't imagine why.
(cut to Yami inside the Millennium Puzzle)
Yami: This Millennium Puzzle is simply FABULOUS!
At the end of each installment, LK parodies [adult swim]'s black screen and bold white text between commercial breaks, and lampshades the similarity.
[i think adult swim is gonna sue somebody]
This gem from Joey and Kaiba's duel:
Joey: (summons Red-Eyes Black Dragon) So here's this giant enemy dragon!
Kaiba: (summons Blue-Eyes White Dragon) Blue Eyes, attack his weak point for massive damage!
(voice clip of Kaz Hirai shouting "RIIIIIDGE RACER!" as Joey's Red-Eyes is destroyed)
Kaiba: That cost you 599 U.S. Life Points.
(actual 4Kids dialogue) "Check his pulse, Yugi!"
"Who would have thought a child could win a children's card game?" The delivery is what makes it absolutely hilarious!
This is the episode that introduces us to Bandit Keith, "who apparently likes to remind everyone that he's from America".
Bandit Keith: [Pegasus] can't beat me because I'm an American!
Apparently, ever since the gang got back from the Shadow Realm, Téa has been under the impression that she's a caterpillar.
Téa: Soon I'll be a beautiful butterfly, and then Yugi will love me."

Episode 12 - Duel of the Dead

Episode 12 has two in one scene: The Katamari Damacy parody, and "My voice gives me Super-Strength!"
- *POP* "Holy $^&% it really does!"
When Bakura gets crushed by a sphere shaped bolder (which was actually a balloon with a speaker inside), "Looks like Bakura's scarred for life again."
Bakura: Tell my fangirls... I love them...
Thriller. That is all.
Sid tries to remind Bandit Keith that they're not actually in America. Keith's response?
Keith: Try speaking American, it's the only language I understand.
The ending:
Sid: They'll never get past this cardboard cutout of a boulder.
Keith: Another victory for America.
(the gang is attempting to push boulder)
Joey: It's no use! It's made of solid cardboard!
"These sunglasses sure make it difficult to see in the dark. But I refuse to take them off because I'm an American. And Americans ALWAYS wear sunglasses."
"And now it's time for my favorite Shakespeare quote. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him. In America."
- He even holds a skull while he says it!
"Hello, did you enjoy watching me pee?"
One that becomes hilarious if you compare it with the original dialogue. Original version:
Yugi: It got Bakura!
Téa: Oh no!
- Abridged version:
  Yugi: It got Bakura!
  Téa: Good!
Tristan: "Who's smexy now, bitch?"
Zombie Boy singing the American National Anthem.
Zombie Boy: Braaains, brains brains brains, braaains (subtitles read "Oh say can you see")

Episode 13 - Busted Rhymes

Kaiba is aware that his brother is being held hostage inside Pegasus' castle, but decides to walk briskly there as he doesn't feel like running. Much like Yugi in episode 8, Kaiba assumes that Mokuba is okay, only for it to cut to him inside a dark prison cell and gloomily says, "I can't feel my legs..."
Kaiba also reveals that he "fired his parents," and was the reason he and Mokuba became orphans.
Kaiba: It was a very depressing time in my life, since I didn't have any money, so I was unable to screw the rules.
About halfway during the duel between the rhyming Paradox Brothers:
Yugi: Hang on a second, are we rhyming too?
Joey: Don't ask me, I ain't got a clue.
Yugi: This is like something out of Dr. Seuss.
Téa: I can't stop staring at Yugi's caboose.
Bakura: Everyone seems to have gone all rhymey.
Tristan: Shut the hell up, you stupid limey!
This gem of a Double Entendre conversation after Yugi's Beaver Warrior is destroyed:
Joey: Let this be a lesson to ya Yug. Never, under any circumstances, leave your beaver exposed.
Yugi: You're right Joey. My beaver was on full display. Next time I'll take better care of my beaver.
Téa: I didn't know Yugi had a beaver.
When Kaiba finally confronts Pegasus;
Kaiba: Pegasus, I'm gonna make you pay for stealing my cards.
Mokuba: And for kidnapping me, right Seto?
Kaiba: Shut up Mokuba. Mommy and Daddy are talking.
And also:
Pegasus: I turned Mokuba into a monster card. And he doesn't have any attack or defense points.
Kaiba: You sick bastard! That makes him even more worthless than Kuriboh!
The Paradox Brothers' famous spinning martial arts entrance... to the tune of YMCA.
Bakura: Oh my, I wonder if those are the gay people?
Joey: Dere is a slight possibility.
And this Curse Cut Short:
Para: It appears that we have run out of luck!
Dox: It's just a card game! Who gives a fu-
Even more rhyme;
Para: We are villains who like to rhyme.
Dox: In fact we do it all the time.
Para: You may think it's rather crass.
Dox: But you can stick your cards right up your nose.
Para: You were supposed to say 'ass', brother. I thought we rehearsed this.
The Mystic Box scene:
Soundtrack: Everyone loves Magical Trevor cause the tricks that he does are ever so clever...
Para: You have tricked us with your magic box!
Dox: We invite you to suck on our c-
Bakura: Cor blimey, that was a smashing maneuver! Good show, chaps!
Tristan: Stop being so British!
Para and Dox summon their Gate Guardian:
Para: Against our Gate Guardian, you stand no chance.
Dox: I'm not wearing any underpants.
Para: Is that true brother, or are you just rhyming?
Dox: I didn't want to throw off our timing. (Beat) But it is true.

Episode 14 - When Yami Met Sally

The whole flashback of Téa recalling the "4Kids version" of how she and Yugi met
Téa: Welcome to Kentucky Fried Mc Burger King, where all our meat is freshly slaughtered!
- It gets even more amusing when Téa arrives at a secret dance studio (which appeared to be some sort of warehouse) and when a man shows up to mug her, she asks if he was her dance instructor.
Mugger: Just hand over all your money girly!
Téa: Screw you man, I'm not paying for lessons!
"I'm here for my ballet classes. I should warn you, I look damn good in a tutu!" What has been thought can't be unthought.
After Téa's flashback—
Téa: And then we got married and had two beautiful children.
Yugi: I'm pretty sure I don't remember that. Hey, Téa, do you still have that waitress uniform—?
Tristan: Hey! Stop developing your characters, we've got card games to play!
The montage of Mokuba getting kidnapped, with captions actually listing the kidnappings. Apparently, by that point, he has been kidnapped a total of 2,042 times.
Kaiba: Uhm... Perhaps I should consider getting him on a leash.
Yugi's friends always support him:
Joey: Don't worry Yug, we'll be supporting ya all the way!
Tristan: Ten bucks on Kaiba!
Tea: Fifty bucks on Kaiba!
Bakura: A hudred quid on Kaiba!
After Kaiba used Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon:
Yami: Oh, poopie!
Joey: Get up on the hydra's back, Yug!
Pretty much the entirety of Kaiba's duel with Yami:
Yami: Yeah, well at least I'm not adopted!
Kaiba: ...what did you just say?
Yami: Sorry, did I touch a nerve? Why don't you run home and cry to mummy? Oh, that's right! You don't have one!
Kaiba: Yugi! I respect you as a duelist, but if you continue to act like a petulant child, then—
Yami: Hey, everyone! Look at me! I'm Seto Kaiba! I have a dragon fetish and I sound like Brock from Pokemon! Screw the rules, I'm in love with Nurse Joy!"
Kaiba: That's it, Muto, you're (bleep)ing dead!
And when Yami uses a card to create an army of Kuribohs:
Yami: I activate Asexual Reproduction! Prepare to be completely smothered by my giant hairy balls!
Additionally:
Yami: I shall fuse my mammoth graveyard with your dragon, causing it to decay from the inside.
Kaiba: How the hell did you do that?
Yami: It's called cheating. Deal with it!
When Kaiba threatens to kill himself:
Yami: Dude, don't you think you're overreacting a little? I mean, it's just a card game.
Kaiba: (about to jump off a castle battlement) Card games are Serious Business!
The following:
Joey: This is awesome! Yugi's gonna kill Kaiba!
Tristan: I've always dreamed this moment would come!
And of course:
Yami: Kaiba must die!
Yugi: But what would Grandpa say?
Grandpa: Yugi... kill that son of a bitch!
Then there's the reason why Kaiba survives a murder-happy Yami Yugi and his friends.
Tea: Yugi, no! You can't take this risk! He might survive!
Yugi: She's right, we can't!

Episode 15 - Duel of Fates

Kaiba's duel with Pegasus:
Kaiba: Now it's time for the ultimate cartoon showdown—Japanese cartoon animation versus American cartoon animation!
Bandit Keith: Hey! you can't use that word! It belongs to America! Only Americans are allowed to—
Kaiba: Shut the f-*beep*-k up!
Bandit Keith: *Quietly* .......In America!
Poor Mai.
Téa: Look! It's Skankety Slut-Slut!
Star Wars opening with "Card Games" replacing the title.
- And while on the Star Wars subject, Mai channeling Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Mai: Pegasus' castle. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
Kemo: Attention duelists! You are not duelists! May I please see your identification?
Téa: Me love you long time?
Mai: You don't need to see their identification.
Kemo: I don't need to see your identification.
Mai: These are not the breasts you're looking for.
Kemo: These are not the breasts I'm looking for.
Mai: Move along.
Kemo: My hair is in love!
Mai: (smacking him with her purse) Rejected!
Kemo: WAIT! My hair wants to marry you (runs into the door) OW! My hair!

Episode 16 - Fanservice

Pegasus and his hooded cultists chanting "Hooked on a Feeling".
Bandit Keith jumping on the "Fanservice!" wagon.
Bandit Keith: Now, time for a little Bandit Keith fanservice! In America!
- He's single, ladies!
(Arrow points to Bakura staring blankly whilst Téa and Tristan talk): Bored out of his mind.
Tristan finds a rope:
Tristan: Hey look, a rope! We can hang Bakura with this! Then he'll be the dead body!
Bakura: That never happened in the Goonies!
Tristan: Well it should have!
The line "This room is for main characters only!"
This exchange:
Yugi: Gramps, are you okay?
Grandpa: Of course I'm not okay! You put me in a home!
Yugi: What? No I didn't.
Grandpa: Yes you did! You couldn't stand the sight of me anymore, so you had me sent away! I swear, kids these days! They have no respect for their elders!
Yugi: Grandpa, you're not in a home. You've been kidnapped.
Grandpa: What?
Yugi: Pegasus put your soul into a card, and now he's forcing me to duel him in a tournament to rescue you.
Grandpa: What?
Yugi: Grandpa, is your hearing aid switched on?
Grandpa: What? Just a second, I think my hearing aid isn't switched on.
Yugi: Urg! (punches ground) And now my hand is broken.
The last scene:
Yami Bakura: Now it's time for some Bakura fanservice! (screen goes black) Oh bugger! It's the credits already!

Episode 17 - We Interrupt This Broadcast

During Mai and Yami's duel, with the announcer listing off Mai's "victories":
Announcer: Mai Valentine is a seasoned competitor with a long list of victories. Let's take a look at her dueling history. First she faced Joey Wheeler... And lost. Then she went up against Panik... And lost. Her last match before entering the finals was against Téa Gardner, which, of course, she must have won... Oh, my mistake, she surrendered. I think I speak for everyone when I ask: What's wrong with this picture?
Yugi and Joey's duel is brilliant:
Joey: This is it, Yug. Only one of us can win this tournament. And even though you're my best friend, I'm not gonna hold back. I'm gonna give it my all. And what's more, I'm gonna beat you!
Yami: Like hell!
Joey: Nyeh?
Yami: Face it, Joey, you're a terrible duelist! You only got this far because I've been telling you how to win all the time! I mean, come on, you've got Baby Dragon in your deck. Baby freaking Dragon! You probably don't even remember why you entered the tournament in the first place!
Joey: Sure I do! I entered because... eh... you told me to?
Yami: It was your sister, you silly little man! She needs an operation!
Joey: Why, is she sick?
Yami: No, but you will be. Mind Crush!
Joey: Nyeh!
Joey and Keith's duel with each other.
Joey: I summon Copycat, it gives the power to copy your Catchphrase... In America!
Keith: Hey, that's my joke! It only works when I say "In America"! It loses all meaning when you say it.
Joey: Nyeh? What's that? I couldn't hear you. I was too busy being American.
Keith: YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN! You're not even Wearing a Flag on Your Head!
Joey: You're right, I must've left it back home... (Beat) In America!
(cut to Bandit Keith being hauled away by Pegasus' guards while angrily singing the Star Spangled Banner)
Announcer: Uh oh, looks like Bandit Keith has snapped, and he's being forced to abandon the duel.
- This becomes Hilarious in Hindsight thanks to two details: 1) Joey's the Trope Namer for Brooklyn Rage, which makes him easy to mistake for American, and 2) Bandit Keith is revealed in a later episode to be Canadian.
And then after Bandit Keith's loss, he challenges Pegasus:
Bandit Keith: Pegasus, I pledge allegiance to your death! You sorry excuse for an American!
Pegasus: I learned this trick from watching Excel♡Saga! (drops Keith through a trap door)
Bandit Keith: (falling off cliff) AHHHHHHHHHHHH.........in America! (splash)
Next week, on a Very Special Episode of Zorc and Pals:
Yami Bakura: Zorc, what's wrong? Why haven't you destroyed the world?
Zorc: Because I have a terminal disease!
Yami Bakura: But you can't die! What about our adopted daughter? Who's going to take care of her when you're gone?
Zorc: She also has a terminal disease!

Episode 18 - Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Yugi's grandpa on playing card games:
Yugi's Grandpa: Playing card games is like making love; you usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games.
Tea thinks something interesting is happening:
Yami: Blah, blah, card games, blah!
Pegasus: Blah, blah, blah, attack mode, blah.
Yami: Blah, blah, blah?!
Pegasus: Blaaaaaah...
Tea: Oops, my mistake.
When the guards surround Tristan with Mokuba's unconscious body on his back:
Guard #1: We got you surrounded, now give the boy to us!
Tristan: Over Mokuba's dead body!
How Yami defeats Pegasus:
Yami: I summon LittleKuriboh impostors!
Pegasus: No! There are so many of them! I can't tell which one is the original!
Yami: Which means you'll never be able to watch the abridged series ever again!
Pegasus: No! I can't live without ''Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series''! It's so important to me!
Yami: Don't worry, Pegasus, there's always Naruto: The Abridged Series. But as everyone knows, that's just not quite as good!
Pegasus: Oh, NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
When Yugi and Yami discuss that they should switch minds in order to prevent Pegasus from predicting their strategies, Yami tries to come up with a different solution:
Yami: Couldn't I just Mind Crush him?
Yugi: You can't fix all your problems by Mind Crushing people!
Yami: Oh, come on, just one little Mind Crush, it'll barely hurt him.
Yugi: No! Bad Pharaoh! No Mind Crush!
- And then Pegasus immediately decides to turn the duel into a shadow game.
  Yami: See?! This wouldn't be happening if I had just Mind Crushed him!
  Yugi: Listen mister, do you need a time out?
Yugi's life force gets drained away as his body wasn't strong enough to survive in the Shadow Realm, and passes out. Yami, however, argues that Yugi couldn't actually be dead, because otherwise, 4Kids would've censored it.
- The somberness of Yugi's "death" immediately gets ruined when the scene cuts back to Téa, Joey, and Tristan:
Téa: HOLY CRAP!
Joey: Nyeh!
Tristan: I'm hungry!
"It's like something out of HP Lovecraft, only gay!"
"My voice knows kung-fu!"
Tristan sneaking around the castle in a suit of armor:
Guard: (clanking sound is heard) Did I hear something just now? Nah, must have been the wind. (clanking sound gets louder) Yeah, that's definitely the sound that wind makes.
Tristan thinks that Bakura is Spider-Man when he traps a couple of Pegasus' guards using a Chain Energy Card, and Bakura (reluctantly) says he is just so he doesn't have to put up with Tristan's whining.
As Yugi/Yami's duel with Pegasus intenses, so do their friends:
Téa: My nipples sense Yugi is in great peril!
Joey: Mine too!

Episode 19 - Jagshamesh!

When Bakura defeats Pegasus... With ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LASER BEAMS! ^note
Pegasus: (Bakura taking Pegasus' eye, complete with a "POP" sound) AH! That's the wrong eyeball, you fool!
As an unconscious Pegasus is being carried past by a guard:
Tristan: He died as he lived: draped in the arms of another man.
The flashback that details Pegasus' life with Cecelia including where she spontaneously explodes, which is mocked as an in-universe Ass Pull:
Pegasus: We fell in love instantly and decided to get married. Then when we were standing at the altar, something very unexpected happened: You exploded... Yeah, that was kinda weird.
In his grief after losing Cecelia, Pegasus took a trip to Egypt. Because that's what people do when they're grieving. they go to Egypt.
And at the end of said flashback...
Pegasus: At long last I was reunited with you, my love. I thought my dreams had finally come true. But then you exploded again. You really need to stop doing that.
When Téa finishes reading Pegasus' blog:
Téa: Man I've read fanfiction that made more sense than this crap!
Any moment with Shadi, especially when he's in Yugi's head...
Yami: By the way, have you ever seen Labyrinth?
Shadi: No. Why?
Yami: No reason.
(cue David Bowie as Shadi stumbles through the maze)
"Screw my sister, I have money!"
Yugi suddenly just realizing that he doesn't know the name of his alter-ego, which pokes some fun at the inconsistency with the Pharaoh's name in the 4kids dub.
Yami: I have had many names. Once, I was known as Pharaoh. Then I was known as the artist formerly known as Pharaoh. But you can call me Yami.
Yugi: I thought your name was Ate-
Yami: Shh! Don't spoil it now!
At the end of the episode, Joey realizes that because the tournament is now over, they have to go back to school. Tristan's response is one Big "NO!"

Episode 20 - The Rebexorcist

Rebecca's evil teddy bear. Especially the line, "Your mother plays card games in hell!"
Grandpa's name is revealed:
Rebecca: I'm looking for Solomon Muto!
Yugi: Who the hell is Solomon Muto?
Téa: Yugi, that's your grandpa.
Yugi: He has a name?!
Grandpa explaining how he and Arthur became friends:
Grandpa: We met in Egypt on an archaeological dig, where we bonded over our mutual hatred of young people. He also shared with me some very controversial theories.
Arthur: I believe that the Ancient Egyptians used to play Yu-Gi-Oh in their spare time.
Grandpa: Pull the other one!
Grandpa: No, really, I mean it!
Grandpa: Next you'll be telling me that the Romans played Pokémon!
Arthur: Look at this card, Solomon. See how this card barely resembles these ancient hieroglyphs!
Grandpa: My God, you're right! This could revolutionize the field of Egyptology... somehow.
Grandpa: (voiceover) Just then, the tomb collapsed around us. We had been trapped inside a cold and desolate place far from human contact, but since we were both very old, we were used to that sort of thing.
Arthur: I say Solomon, let's have a card game to decide which one of us gets to live.
Grandpa: That's the sickest thing I've ever heard of. Let's do it!
Grandpa's "wisdom:"
Téa: Shut up you hussie! Yugi's grandpa would never lie. He's the wisest man I've ever met.
Grandpa: Where am I? What day is it? I like pudding.

Episode 21 - Massively Multiplayer Online Children's Card Game

As they're going into the virtual world:
Joey: Bye, darling!
Tristan: Ixnay on the arlingday...
"Man this fairy is really annoying! Let's kill it!"
The group's reaction to Princess Edena, a gender flipped version of Mokuba:
Edena: Hello, I'm Princess Edena.
Joey: This is just wrong.
Mokuba: I've never been more traumatized in my entire life. Why would my brother create something so twisted?
Joey: Now do you see why we hate him so much?
(cut to Edena's castle)
Edena: Welcome to the land of Simlau. Every year my people are beset by a terrible evil. A mythic dragon descends from on high to devour the—
Yugi: Question.
Edena: Um, yes?
Yugi: Just what the hell are you anyway? Are you a boy or a girl?
Joey: Maybe it's a she-male. You know, like Bakura.
Mokuba: Whatever it is, it's going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.
Edena: Excuse me, brave heroes, but I'm trying to tell you about the suffering of my people.
Yugi: I think it's pretty obvious why your people are suffering: their ruler is a transvestite.
Edena: The only way to defeat the mythical dragon is to resurrect the ancient flying machine that would—
Yugi: Why weren't you censored anyway? I mean, what? Guns are bad but cross-dressing princesses are A-OK?
Kaiba being chained up:
Kaiba: Just what the hell is the point of this scene?
The Witty Phantom: It gives the fangirls a chance to see you in chains.
Kaiba singing along to "Feel Good Inc" in the ending stinger.

Episode 22 - Shine On, You Crazy Devlin

Episode 22: Joey tries to tell Tristan about the birds and the bees.
Téa: Joey, no! We mustn't let Tristan breed!
"They say he's the sexiest thing since sex." "Eh, sex isn't that sexy."
Solomon Muto seeing Duke's fangirls on the big-screen TV ("Yes yes work it baby! Grandpa likes it like that! Shake it like a Polaroid picture!")
"Cheap parlour tricks are very erotic!"
"Why hasn't anyone noticed I'm not wearing a school uniform?"
"Duke Devlin, You've gone too far! How dare you force Joey to uphold his end of the bargain?!"
Duke lays out exactly what he intends to accomplish by beating Yugi at Dungeon Dice Monsters:
Duke: I'm gonna prove to the world that you're a cheater, by beating you in a game of my own creation.
Yami: You wanna run that by me again?
- This, in turn, is him Avenging the Villain for Pegasus's defeat at Yugi's hands.
Duke: He [Pegasus] was my idol. I've tried my whole life to be just as masculine as he is.
Yami: That would explain a lot...
Yami vs. Duke Devlin.
Duke: We'll play Dungeon Dice Monsters, a game of my own creation. We each take it in turns to draw dice.
Yami: So it's just like Duel Monsters.
Duke: Then we use those dice to summon holographic monsters to the field.
Yami: So it's just like Duel Monsters.
Duke: Both opponents are given three Heart Points, and when they run out, the game is-
Yami: So it's just like Duel Monsters.
Duke: Hey, stop it! My game is nothing like Duel Monsters!
Yami: Prove it then!
(Pause)
Duke: My game uses dice.
Tristan: Burn the witch!
- Then later, as the battle is underway:
  Duke: [Pegasus] was incredible! It was like he'd played Dungeon Dice Monsters his whole life!
  Yami: That's probably because he had! Your game is exactly like Duel Monsters!
The following conversation between Yami and Duke:
Duke: If I win you must swear on the life of your grandfather that you'll never play card games ever again!
Yami: Big deal, he'll be dead by the end of the month.
The Dark Magician gets a new theme song.
He's back, and he's got a new trick. Magical Trevor is ten times as slick as the last time...
Tristan holding some of Duke's dice "This is going straight up my nose!"
This scene to end the season with:
Duke (with Sexy Back playing): I owe you guys an apology. I treated you all like crap. Do you think we can still be friends in season two?
Yugi: Only if you stop using that annoying theme music.
Duke (Sexy Back still playing): What theme music?

Funny / Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series (Season One)

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