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Quotes / Right Behind Me

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Colin: The new boss? I'll tell you what I think of him: he's vain, he's witless, he's morbidly obese, he's incompetent, he's devastatingly ugly, and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?
Woman: ...No.
Man: Of course he isn't, we'd have said.
Colin: [confused] Oh, OK. Um... Alright, in which case I can go on to say that he's ignorant, pretentious, has appalling personal hygiene, and now he really is standing right behind me, isn't he?
Man: No, he's not!
Colin: Then why have you got that weird, awkward, frozen look on your faces?
Woman: Well, because you've just launched into a tirade of furious bile against a man we've only just met!
Man: Yeah, you also seem to be suffering a fairly powerful delusion that he's following you...
Colin: Yeah, but... ohhhh, God, has no-one told you? I'm a sitcom character.
Colleague: Don't worry, I'll handle this - my brother's a sitcom character too. What's that you say about the new boss, Colin?
Colin: He's ugly and stupid and bald and awful!
Colleague: He's also in charge of who gets a Christmas bonus this year.
Colin: ...and I won't hear a word said against him! Ohthankyousomuch.

Warp: All I know is that we've searched half the Zeta quadrant to find the missing LGMs and what do we find? A lot of NOTHING!
[a crater viper rises up from a crater directly behind Warp; he sees Buzz's horrified expression]
Warp: [thumbing over his shoulder] There's something really bad behind me, isn't there?

Simmons: (referring to Grey's rescue of Alex and Rick) C'mon, I saw that one of the officers was female, and a cute one at that — I know you, Grey.
Grey: Her?! Please, she's way too uptight. I don't have time for girls like that.
Simmons: What, you think you even stand a chance?
Grey: Give me a break. She may have an attitude, but if I wanted her, I could have her by the end of the night.
Alex: Hm, I'll take that bet.

John Stewart: Anyway, why are we always talking about my love life? What's going on with you and Diana?
Batman: Nothing. She's a respected colleague.
John Stewart: Uh-huh.
Batman: I don't have time to pursue a relationship. My work is too important to allow any distractions. Diana's a remarkable woman. She's a valued friend. She's... standing right behind me, isn't she?
Wonder Woman: Don't let that stop you. Keep digging.
Justice League Unlimited, The Once And Future Thing Part One: Weird Western Tales

Sir Hiss: (singing) "Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Woooors-s-s-s-s-s-t.
(Hiss sees Prince John appearing in the doorway and gulps)
Sir Hiss: (nervously) The fabulous, marvelous, merciful, chivalrous...
Sheriff: Oh, you got it all wrong, Hiss. "The sniveling, groveling, weaseling—"
Prince John: ENOUGH! (throws a wine bottle at them as the Sheriff ducks)

Within a month the pale-eyed ronin's name was on everybody's lips, even in the merchant's district. Everyone was Seta-sama this, Seta-sama that; even Chie’s getting sucked into the rumors surrounding him. “You know,” she said when picking up supplies for the local inn, “I heard he used to be in the daimyo's service! I wonder what happened?”
"Who knows?" Yosuke shrugged; people like him didn’t have much to do with the samurai, who usually sent servants to conduct their business for them anyway. The closest he got to dealing with them were the scruffy ronin wandering the merchant district in Nagato, but even that was a while ago. “Must’ve been something spectacular.”
"Not really." Said an amused voice behind him. Gods above, how could someone move so quietly? Yosuke whipped around, ready to reprimand the newcomer, when he found himself face to face with none other than the fabled Seta-sama.
Untitled historical AU Persona 4 fic

Goalie: I heard the new principal is crazy! She worked in a prison or something before she came here!
Connor: Don't worry about Randall. She's a woman! And women are just grown up girls! [goalie starts trying to cut him off] Need I say more?
Principal Randall: I think you've said quite enough, Mr. McKnight.
Connor: [turns around very slowly] Principal Randall! I have heard such great things about you!
Principal Randall: They're just rumors, I can assure you.

Hob: So whaddaya think these monsters look like, Elf?
Elf: I bet they're big and ugly, but not as ugly as you.
Hob: Ha! My momma'd slap you silly if the heard you talking 'bout her boy that way! *Elf's eyes widen* What? Did I just put the fear of my momma into tough little Elf? ...Or is there something really big and ugly, but not as ugly as me, standing right behind me?
Elf: Uglier, and there's four of 'em.

Brighton: Fran, you've gotta promise me you won't tell Dad I failed French, you know what a pain he can be.
Fran: Your father? The most compassionate, understanding, handsome-
Brighton: He's standing right behind me.
Fran: Oh, yeah.

Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair,
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

[Kyle's mom arrives]
Students: [gasp]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
She's a stupid bitch!

Stan: Uh, Cartman—
Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's such a dirty bitch!
I really mean it.
Kyle's mom, she's a big fat fucking bitch!
Big old fat fucking bitch, Kyle's mom!
Yeah, chaaaa!

Students: [Stunned Silence]
Cartman: ...What? [turns around] ...Oh, fuck...

Itchy: You wanted revenge on Carface, and I said "No, please, let's get outta town." But I stayed because...because you're my friend. And then, you wanted to kidnap the girl, and I said "This is crazy." But I helped ya. A-And then, we gotta dress the girl, and read her stories, and she wants we should feed the poor. And the whole while, I'm thinkin' "This is stupid, she's gonna get us killed." But I stayed because...I'm your friend. But tonight...tonight...Charlie he tried to kill me! He tried to kill me, Charlie, and you was out gallivantin' with this...with this girl! I say we should lose the girl, get out of town, Charlie, you and me, then call it even.
Charlie: Aw, Itchy. Now, the casino's gone. We gotta start all over. We need the girl more than ever.
Itchy: No, boss, you're crazy! It's not business anymore! It's personal!
Charlie: Aw, come on, Itchy. Sure, it's just business. I mean...
Itchy: You're in love with the girl. Y-Y-You've gone soft. Y-You care about her.
[Anne Marie walks down the stairs behind them]
Charlie: Look, I don't care about the girl! I tell her things now and then! I pretend to be her best friend, but it's baloney!
Itchy: I thought I was your best friend.
Charlie: You are my best friend! With her, it's just business! It's always been business! I'm using the girl! And when we're done with her, we'll dump her in an orphanage! Is that okay with you?!
Itchy: Sure, boss. Anything you say.
[Itchy gasps upon noticing Anne Marie, and Charlie turns his head]
Anne Marie: [sobbing] You're not my friend. You're a bad dog! [runs away]

Po: [imitating Shifu] You'll never be the Dragon Warrior unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth.
[the Furious Five, sans Tigress, start to laugh]
Po: [as Shifu] What is that noise you're making? Laughter? I never heard of it! Work hard, panda, and maybe some day, will have ears like mine. [holds two bowls above his head]
[the Five continue laughing until they notice Shifu in the kitchen door and suddenly freeze in horror]
Po: Ears! It's not working for ya? I thought that was pretty good.
Monkey: [whispering] It's Shifu!
Po: Of course it's Shifu! What do you think I'm doing? [Monkey gapes and points behind him. Po looks back] Ooh! Master Shifu!

River Song: [...] if he's dead back there, I'll never forgive myself. And if he's alive, I'll never forgive him. And Doctor, you're standing right behind me, aren't you?
The Doctor: Yeah.
River Song: [lovingly] I hate you.
The Doctor: No, you don't.

River Song: When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves! You don't expect a sunset to admire you back! And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!
(long pause as she realizes the person who has been tagging along with her the whole day is, in fact, the Doctor)
The Doctor: (softly) Hello, sweetie.
River Song: (wipes eyes) Oh, you are so doing those roots.
The Doctor: What, the roots of the sunset?
River Song: Don't you dare.
The Doctor: (grins) I'll have to check with the stars themselves.
River Song: Oh, shut up!
Doctor Who, "The Husbands of River Song"

(Homer meets a mob of the town's religious folk at his front door)
Homer: Aww, this isn't gonna be about Jesus, is it?
Rev. Lovejoy: All things are about Jesus, Homer. Except this. Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
Homer: Helen, as a responsible parent, I was already well aware of that.
Ned: Homer, I'm as permissive as the next parent. I mean, just yesterday, I let Todd buy some Red Hots with a cartoon devil on the box. But you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your 10-year-old son to work in a burlesque house!
Homer: Oh, no? Well, if Homer Simpson wants his 10-year-old son working in a burlesque house, than Homer Simpson's 10-year-old son is going to work in a burlesque house! That's the...
(the mob disperses, revealing Marge behind them)
Homer: (laughs nervously) Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.
The Simpsons, "Bart After Dark"

Rachel: No, you know what Judith, fuck Brittnay. We’ve been following Saison all week. We haven’t even had any fun for ourselves. (Brittnay and Deandra walk up behind Rachel) And come to think of it, why should we be helping that bitch in the first place? She’s been a cunt to us her whole life, and I’m fuckin' sick of it, man. She’s nothing but a ratchet-ass whore who opens her butthole for every swinging dick that walks on by. And you know what, she’s not even that hot! Someone had to say it. There. I’m glad it was me.
Judith: Uh, Rach?
Rachel: What? (turns around to find Brittnay standing right behind her) Aw, shiiiiit! (gets chucked into a dumpster as a studio audience laughs and claps)
The Most Popular Girls in School, Episode 79 ("The Truth")

J. Gander Hooter: I have a most perplexing case. A wily villain has slipped through the hands of our best agents. That's why I've called you in.
Darkwing: Naturally.
J. Gander Hooter: Agent Grizzlikof i—
Darkwing: totally incompetent, I agree! It takes someone willing to break the rules to solve the toughest cases! He's a buffoon! Why, he's stupid—
(D.W. walks right into Grizzlikof, who is now red in the face and blowing steam)
Darkwing: I thought I smelled something burning.
Darkwing Duck, "The Merchant of Menace"

Morph: We offer to help and suddenly we're doing the dishes. Monitor duty sucks. And Canada, man, Canada-
[Nocturne's eyes widen in shock]
Morph: What? Why are you looking at me like that? [realization dawns] Wolverine is standing right behind me?
Wolverine: Wolverine is standing right behind you.
Morph: [transforms into a Mountie and salutes] What I was about to say was that Canada is lovely! A treasure! If we had to get stuck waiting to find a huge steroid-irradiated brute for weeks at a time, I'd pick this enchanting country! But maybe a section a little closer to some night life. Or a mall. Or people who have been to a mall. Once.
Exiles #5: Up North And In The Green Part 2

Fishlegs: Um, guys? GUYS!
Everyone: WHAT?
[The Boneknapper hisses.]
Hiccup: It's right behind us, isn't it?

Henry Pym: I'm serious, guys. You know who would actually do Banner better than Banner...?
Janet Van Dyne: Uh, Hank, I think you'd better shut up...
Bruce Banner: (makes a Desk Sweep of Rage and leaves)
Henry Pym: I was going to say Steve Buscemi. What's insulting about that?

Angelica: That's right! I did it! And I'd break it again if I'd have the chance! But you know what? There's nothing you babies can do about it, 'cause you can't talk! (laughs evilly) I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
Angelica: ...Oops. (turns around and sees Didi and Betty angrily staring down at her) I didn't do it! I didn't do it!
Betty: We heard the whole thing, Angelica!
Didi: So, you broke the lamp, young lady! (picks her up) Well, you can just sit in the kitchen with us until your father gets back!
Rugrats, "The Trial"


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