Warning: Spoilers Off applies to this page. Proceed at your own risk.
It's a Final Fantasy game, so of course it has plenty of moments that will leave you clutching your sides in laughter. And considering how this game is the darkest iteration yet, the levity is much needed.
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Main Story
Prologue
A Flame Summoned
- The prologue has the item description for Joshua's belt, the Princely Stay. The fact that this flavor text is only visible when Phoenix Gate is under attack and Joshua's trying to sneak through a castle full of people who want to kill him makes the last sentence sound almost as if somebody is snarkily pointing out in the moment that Joshua should really have some better armor for this situation."Should his breeches fall, so surely would the duchy...or so the tailor charged with crafting Prince Joshua's belt was told. While certainly pleasant to the eyes, the cloth wrapping is a poor substitute to a set of iron tassets when it comes to stopping a spiked mace to the groin."
- Clive's equivalent, the Rosarian Belt, is not much better than Joshua's. One wonders if Creative Business Unit 3 has a thing against belts these days after Final Fantasy XIV:"Designed more for keeping one's trousers in place than stopping the head of an axe, those expecting any discernible protection from this basic accessory will be sorely disappointed."
- Clive's equivalent, the Rosarian Belt, is not much better than Joshua's. One wonders if Creative Business Unit 3 has a thing against belts these days after Final Fantasy XIV:
- When the Goblin Leader summons a Gigas in Stillwind, Wade lets out a hilarious-sounding "SHIIIIIT!"
- Take the first Morbol boss fight down in Stillwind to three-quarters of its health, or if it uses Wild Rage the first time.Wade: I think we've made it angry.
Tyler: I'd rather we made it die!
Year of the Realm 873 (Part 1)
Hide, Hideaway
- After you talk to Cid in the Hideaway, you can immediately talk to him again. He is confused.Cid: It's... downstairs? Try not to get lost.
Fanning Embers
- Clive and Cid come across a giant Fafnir dragon-lizard, far from its home environ because lack of wolves to eat due to the Blight encroaching the north. Cid almost feels sorry for it, saying, "I'd invite him over for dinner if I didn't think he'd eat the dog." Clive glances over to Torgal, who actually took several steps backwards after hearing the conversation.
Louder than Words
- When Cid and Clive split up to search for Gav in Lostwing, Clive asks Cid how he's supposed to let him know he's found him. Cid suggests shouting despite Waloed soldiers still lurking around the area. Cut to a few minutes later, Cid is the first to find Gav and loudly yells out Clive's name.Cid: Cliiiiiiiiive!
[Shortly after…]
Clive: [arriving at the doorway] I thought you were joking.
The Wages of Guilt
- When Tarja tells Clive that Jill's finally awake, everyone present gives him some space at Cid's direction.Cid: Goetz, come with me. Gav, go and get those wounds seen to.
Gav: [immediately mock-melodramatically clutches his arm; to Tarja] Oh, give it to me straight. How long have I got...?
Tarja: [walking over] So...?
Gav: [drops the act] All in good time. [urges her to the side] Let's make ourselves scarce.
The Dame
- Cid sneaks Clive and Jill into Oriflamme through... a brothel. Clive and Jill are hilariously awkward (the latter is clearly unamused with this situation), and feminine moaning can be heard throughout the rest of the scene.Cid: Cheer up, you two. There's no safer place to hide in the empire than a…
[Just as Cid sits down, the trio hears... "brothel business" in progress]
Cid: [almost hesitantly continuing] …Brothel. Hm.
Jill: Really? Doesn't seem very private. - How Cid knows about this route into the heart of Drake's Head.Cid: Let's just say I may have attempted something similar once before. And may have had to run for dear life after being discovered by Bahamut, but that's not important.
The Crystals' Curse
- As the party at long last infiltrates the Drake's Head Mothercrystal mine in Oriflamme, Cid and Clive start bickering as to how smooth the sailing has been this far, all the while Jill is standing in the background struggling to hold back a laugh. Also doubles as a moment of heartwarming, as by this point Clive has, for the most part, come out of his shell.Clive: There are not nearly enough men here.
Cid: Then it's fortunate the city guard doesn't take sentry assignment as seriously as you do. This bodes well.
Clive: Hmph. That would be a first. This may not be such a terrible plan after all.
Cid: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Clive: Only that your last "secret shortcut" was nowhere near as secret as you claimed.
Cid: Ah, but that's half the fun of it. Life's too short for perfect plans. You want a plan that'll keep you on your toes - stop you growing old and complacent.
Clive: Worked for you, has it?
Cid: Clive, my boy, even life's smallest challenges offer the opportunity to grow and to change! You must embrace these moments - Allow them to suffuse you with a deep sense of fulfillment!
Clive: (sighs) Narrowly escaping death at the hands of an enemy is not my idea of fulfillment!
Jill: (smiles)
Cid: Something wrong?
Jill: Not at all. Just wondering if the two of you had finished.
Cid: Right. We make for the Mothercrystal's heart, as planned. Destroy it, and the whole thing should come tumbling down.
Clive: And if the passage to the inner sanctum is guarded?
Cid: Then we embrace the moment and use it to grow and change. - Cid's incredulous response to an offhand comment Clive makes about his time with the Dame.
- While infiltrating the sanctum, Cid and Clive happen upon a pathway barred by an iron grate they have to knock down. They are…not in sync.Cid: I see they replaced that wooden door with something a little more sturdy. On the count of three?
(They kick it)
Cid: Three!
Clive: What happened to two?
Cid: Ask one.
(They kick it again)
Clive: Once more?
Cid: Aye, seeing as you're trying now.
(They finally kick it down) - When Cid tries to slice at the heart of a Mothercrystal, and it, obviously, doesn't work.Cid: Huh, that didn't work. I think we're gonna need a bigger sword.
Clive: (reaching to pull out his sword) Mine's bigger.
Cid: [holds up a hand to stop him] Thank you, Clive—but I meant that figuratively. The core's clearly made of sterner stuff. - Even in his last moments, Cid manages to find a way to be hilarious. One might think of a similar response in Nier:
- He then proceeds to become more concerned about whether or not he has One Last Smoke for the occasion, and is pleased to learn that he has exactly one left.
Year of the Realm 878 (Part 2)
Capital Punishment
- Torgal helps rescue Jill from execution... by suddenly transforming into a fully-fledged frost wolf, starting with a huge burst of power that knocks everyone down.Gav: Care to explain what the fuck your dog just did!?
- Hugo's hands being cut off in slow-motion, as well his reaction afterwards.Hugo: "SON OF A WHOOOOOOOOORE!"
- After Clive unintentionally absorbs Titan's essence, Kupka (seemingly unaware of this), starts pounding the ground and cursing "I'll Kill You!", causing the castle to shake. And he's doing this right after he lost both hands, too.
Bolts from the Blue
- Cid's daughter, Mid, comes back to the hideaway. She immediately turns the entire place upside down, making cheerful demands of Clive specifically and sending him on multiple fetch quests to get her a workshop built. Everyone else's reactions are basically, "it's easier to just go along with her."
- As Harpocrates explains to Clive and Gav Torgal's true nature as a frost wolf, he lets out a very interesting line that makes everyone pause for a second.Harpocrates: Why, the beast has the appetite of a behemoth. Just this very morn I found him with his nose buried in my nuts!
- Byron asks Gav to have the chests of two thousand gold talents moved to Clive's coffers. The camera then cuts to the flabbergasted Gav squeaking, "Two thousand…!", as Clive and Byron both head behind him for the lift. For reference, a "talent" in the game is equal to 10,000 gil. Byron brought along 20,000,000 gil as a gift.
Riddle of the Sands
- Going incognito under their hoods at the Dalimil Inn, Clive briefly bluffs his way with one of the inn workers before giving their meal order.Byron: (taking slight offense) Your "pal"?
Clive: Would you rather be my squire? - When the Waloed royalists are threatening Clive and Byron at the inn after Byron blows their cover, everyone else quickly hurries out. Byron, on the other hand, is stuffing his face as fast as possible, because he knows the food will get ruined in the fight. The royalists just stare at how completely unconcerned he is with their presence, and he hides behind the bar while Clive fights. After the battle, it's revealed that the waitress had also ducked back there, and Byron hands her a big pouch of gil for her trouble before belching.Byron: Word of advice, miss—that soup could do with a touch more salt.
- The fighting downstairs alerts Joshua and Jote and the two proceed to make their leave... By booking it out of the window of the room they were lodging in.
- For a double-whammy, when Clive goes to investigate after sensing his brother's presence, he opens the door to find the room vacant; the only telltale sign that anyone was even there being a half-eaten plate of food, with the only thing that hasn't been eaten being the carrots. That's right, eighteen years later and Joshua still hates carrots.
Into the Darkness
- Hugo's Villainous Breakdown continues: he has been given a pair of prosthetic hands to replace his hands that Clive cut off during their confrontation in "Capital Punishment". This being a medieval world that isn't technologically advanced, his prosthetics consist of little more than metallic hands with immovable fingers, thus making it difficult for him to even lift up a fork.Hugo: "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why do they still hurt!? What has that gutter rat done to me? [brings down his metallic hands on the stone table, shattering it] FUCK!"[A servant girl quickly moves to clean up his mess, only for Hugo to come up and kick her in the back]Hugo: "Out of my sight, wench!"[The servant girl runs into Sleipnir by accident, who gestures for her to leave]Sleipnir: "Peace, Hugo. The table shan't hurt you any longer."Hugo: "He sought to humiliate me! ME! If you hadn't interfered, he would be dead!"Sleipnir: "You truly believe he would've triumphed had the battle continued?"Sleipnir: "And how would he have done that without his head?"Hugo: "Shut up!"Sleipnir: "You weren't strong enough. And you call yourself a Dominant. Or rather, you did..."Hugo: "You mock me, Harbard!"[Hugo begins to head towards Sleipnir, only for the latter to sidestep at the last second and trip Hugo, causing him to fall to the ground]Sleipnir: "Do you see, Hugo? You are weak."Hugo: "FUUUUUUCK!"
- Hugo hallucinating a naked Benedikta at the Mothercrystal of Drake's Fang, swearing that they will never be parted, only to then hallucinate Ifrit biting her, who then transforms into Clive being affectionate with Benedikta...all while the real Clive is watching Hugo reacting to what is seemingly nothing.
Letting off Steam III
- After a heroic amount of effort that basically involved Clive getting the entire organization working towards a single goal, they finally manage to complete Mid's thermal displacement stack. Mid thanks them profusely, and then cheerily says that they've just got three more to go. Thankfully, her friends in Kanver can make the rest now that Clive's group has made an example piece.Clive: ...I'm sorry?
Mid: Oh, didn't I tell you? The Enterprise has four mythril engines, and we'll be needing a displacement stack for each.
Down the Rabbit Hole
- Clive and Jill race out to intercept a force of bandits intent on capturing the town of Dalimil for themselves. Upon seeing Jill, one of the bandits makes a very unwise remark.Bandit: Heh, heh, heh! The womenfolk have come to welcome us!
Jill: I'll take that one.
Clive: He's all yours. - Clive's Bad "Bad Acting" when pretending to be a merchant in Dalimil, while looking absolutely nothing like a merchant. The mark isn't fooled for a moment, but agrees to help out of principle. When you need to convince the other town leader, Viktor insists Jill play the part instead.
Through the Maelstrom
- At the end of the mission, Clive fights Barnabas on the seabed, who defeats and utterly humiliates him, before sending the ocean crashing down on the heroes. As Clive, Jill, and Torgal run for their lives, the screen fades to black... And then, the post-battle text shows up, reading "CLIVE BESTED". For additional hilarity, the victory fanfare plays as well.
Footfalls in Ash
- The start of the quest features a fairly tense altercation between Clive and Joshua that sees Clive getting physically attacked by his younger brother over him taking Shiva's power, driving others away in his attempt to make sure none of his allies come to harm, and ultimately moving Ultima's plans forward, though the two siblings quickly make up just in time for Gav to drop back in after finding a safe route.Gav: Did I miss anything?
(Clive and Joshua simply look at each other and smile awkwardly before walking away)
Clive: Only that Joshua didn't.
(Joshua stifles a laugh)
Gav: (Beat) ...I don't get it.
Streets of Madness
- Towards the end of the gauntlet that is Stonhyrr, Clive and Joshua are ambushed by two Akashic Tognvaldrs, and Clive voices what the player is probably feeling at that point.Joshua: Uh, Clive...
Clive: (sounding just DONE with all of this) Of course there's more... There's always fucking more!
Unsorted
- If you check the item decoration reward for completing Whiteheart's quest, as with any character based item it will contain a quote from the associated character.Ambrosia: Kweh.
- While Cactuars do not make an appearance in the game, their existence is referenced in a flyer in Dhalmekia, where their needles are used...to treat erectile dysfunction. The advertising copy indicates that the 'treatment' is exactly what you'd hope it wouldn't be.
- When it's time to fight Kupka in his Titan Eikon form, the already Kaiju-sized Ifrit glances up to the mountain range-sized monstrosity before him, bigger than any single threat in the entirety of the game up to and after this point. Clive's sheer exasperation and horror at the scale of this is palpable, as you outright get to see his sheer dread on Ifrit's face. In all fairness though, this is equally a moment of unfiltered, sheer awesome, as despite the hilariously overwhelmingly odds Clive is still up to the challenge.
- The conclusion to Clive's otherwise incredibly tense and harsh reunion with his traitorous mother. When Anabella asks why Clive is still alive while Joshua, the one she favored, died, Clive's anger towards her seems to just immediately evaporate out of sheer disbelief that she never found out about Joshua's resurrection, especially since Joshua as Phoenix has been battling Bahamut just outside her window the whole time.
- Basically any scene with Byron has the potential for humor, but especially when he is matched together with Mid. She figures out exactly how to get under his skin during their time sheltered together in the Free Cities of Kanver.
- When Clive and co. find themselves facing multiple copies of Sleipnir, Byron has a good line:Byron: Phoenix's fiery fundament! Have you no normal enemies?!
- When Clive and co. find themselves facing multiple copies of Sleipnir, Byron has a good line:
- When Joshua is first introduced to Mid, she goes in for a handshake after excitedly talking about how much Clive told her about him. Joshua, as a noble, immediately falls on his knee, calls her "my lady" and tries to kiss her hand much to the confusion of everyone present. Mid quickly pulls back her hand, then laughs and pulls Joshua to his feet, while the latter seems baffled at what he could have done wrong.
- Near the ending, Mid doles out hugs to Clive and Joshua. Perhaps in an effort not to leave him out, she gives one to Dion as well, who is clearly perplexed and surprised by it. He is, if nothing else, a gentleman and returns the hug - just as awkwardly as he received it.
- After Clive gets done telling his uncle Byron about what he's learned regarding the Mothercrystals, things that go against the commonly held wisdom of the Twins, Byron says he believes Clive is telling the truth because he has proof. Namely, that Clive has always been a downright terrible liar. A completely surprised Clive turns to Jill to ask if that's true; she's clearly trying to find a way to disagree but eventually has to admit that's not untrue.
Side Quests
After first Time Skip
- One quest involves a couple of arrogant Imperial soldiers refuses to believe that the Dame, the owner of the local brothel, gave a Branded her favor. So they challenge Clive to a duel. Funny enough... but then they'll calmly say things like "you know one end of the blade from the other" and "I guess you've got potential" even when you can probably knock them both to zero HP in seconds.Clive: Can I go now?
After second Time Skip
- The sidequest "Payback" has Gaute issue a missive directly to Clive, so he may speak to him. To Clive only. And definitely not Otto.Gaute: (whispering) Clive, did you get my letter?
Clive: That's why I'm here.
Gaute: Shhh! Otto might be listening!
Clive: (sighs, then whispers) ...Is this better?
Gaute: A little. Listen - I have some bad news. It turns out the hideaway may be slightly behind in its payment to certain lenders. And...it may be my fault... But I swear to the goddess, I thought I had the numbers square! Sadly, that square turned out to be more of a...circle. A zero, you might say. I can straighten it out, I swear, but it's going to take some time, and...I'm going to need help keeping it from Otto.
Otto: (suddenly shows up) Bit late for that, I'd say.
Gaute: There you are! What a surprise!
Otto: So let me get this straight. You forget to pay our lenders what they're due...and instead of coming straight to me...you get Clive to come to you, in the hope he'll dig you out of the hole you've dug yourself. Clive. The man in charge of the place you've been cheerfully trying to bankrupt. And you thought this was a cunning plan...why? Well, who needs paying?
Gaute: Oh, just Martha...and the Dame...and, well, Lady Charon. But only five hundred talents.
Otto: We owe three of our most trusted friends...five million gil?
Gaute: Each. Five million...each. They lent us the bulk of the money we used to rebuild the hideaway, you see, and, well, I must have made some sort of...oversight.
Otto: (sighs) Those ledgers were my responsibility. And it was my decision to entrust them to you. This is my fault.
Clive: Do we have that much to hand? I can always ask my Uncle—
Otto: No, we don't. And no, you won't. We've lightened Lord Rosfield's purse enough. After the king's ransom we had off him, he deserves better than to see our begging bowl. Besides, we'll need to learn to stand on our own if we're going to make this work.
Clive: Alright, but that doesn't mean you have to shoulder the burden yourself. Is there anything I can do to help?
Otto: There might be. How do you fancy taking these to Martha and the Dame? (hands Clive star rubies)
Clive: Rocks.
Otto: Rocks, he says. Worth a thousand talents apiece, these are. A little something Cid and I set aside for...when times got lean. And I reckon fifteen million in overdue debt probably qualifies. Just hope that our associates' eyes are a bit more discerning than yours.
Clive: I'm sure they will be.
Otto: Should be me making the rounds, really...but you know how it is with this place. Orders to bark, arses to wipe, and all that.
Clive: I know. Which is why I don't mind going in your place.
Otto: Gaute. Do you know why I only gave Master Clive here two star rubies? (hands Gaute one star ruby)
Gaute: Because...you'd rather Lady Charon killed me?
Otto: Because I'd rather Lady Charon kill you, yes. (walks away)
Gaute: Well, I suppose this is goodbye, then.
Clive: Don't worry. I'm sure Charon will understand.
Gaute: Really? Do you think so?
Clive: No. I don't.- Gaute proves to be a bit of a Butt-Monkey during this quest. Though Martha and Isabelle both accept the gifts (and are more flummoxed that Clive is the one paying them back for the donations), Gaute is less successful with giving the star ruby to Charon, though he isn't killed for it. After Clive takes care of that for Gaute, Otto remarks that the job was done in spite of "this lump"—which is when Gaute has the brilliant idea to timidly remind Otto that he hasn't been payed last month's wages. Otto snaps that Gaute remembers what's owed to himself and not the hideaway or its benefactors, and tells him to get back to work "until those ledgers are square!" Gaute meekly complies.
- Blacksmith Blues II sees Clive seek out one Lord Ignac, in order to find out more about the sword edge that Blackthorne is being distracted about (long story). It's actually the one time Clive uses his old "Wyvern" alias when he finally speaks to Ignac, and serendipitously, it's a good thing he did. It turns out that Ignac is up against a fellow collector and "perennial thorn in [his] side": Byron Rosfield! (Who doesn't physically appear at this point, but his leitmotif pops up when Ignac starts growling about him.) Clive leaves that conversation with both what he came for and with amusement that Uncle Byron has such an eccentric rival.
- Clive is asked by Shirleigh to find Mid's scales, and he finds that Shirlegh's three young students have the scales…in pieces. The early "confrontation" (and a fairly gentle one it is toward the kids) is full of good laughs.
- When Clive asks if that's a set of scales on the table, one of the kids immediately says it's not. The second kid says, "Well, not anymore it's not—oh!" Clive then asks, "And just how long hasn't it been one…?"
- "Why would [Mid] have you dis-membering her creations?"
- The second kid explains that Mid said that "the best way to figure out how something works is to take it apart and put ut back together again!" Clive then notes that their work is halfway done. "Carry on, then." Fortunately, Clive does stick around to help them fix the scales.
- Complete Gav's request of getting a silver chocobo feather in "Silver Linings," he and Clive will celebrate at the bar. The next morning, Gav is clearly suffering from a hangover, apparently having downed 10 tankards. He leaves behind a flask at the souvenir wall with this comment in its description.Gav: I said I was thirsty.
Other
After second Time Skip
- In the Hideaway, just outside the bunks there is a bearer named Asta the Hopeless Romantic, who admires the various men of the Hideaway from afar. The subject of her admiration (and her outfit) changes as the story progresses. She even targets Dion, who Tarja won't let her into the infirmary to see while he's under her care. In the end, she realizes the man she should have been looking at was next to her all along—Clive. (Though she doesn't actually name him, and she doesn't actually continue that line of thought any further.)
- If you buy enough drinks at the Crown & Tub, Maeve gossips about Quentin from Lostwing and gives a bonus history lesson about the Hideaway airship. Unfortunately, Clive is too drunk to pay attention to either conversation.
DLC
Echoes of the Fallen
- A rather adorable feature makes its debut with this expansion: Torgal's own thoughts on FF16's large roster of faces! By accessing The Grand Cast screen, you can toggle to see what Torgal thinks of them. Some of the standouts include:
- Goetz: "A big puppy."
- Blackthorne: "He smells like the ale barrels."
- Harpocrates: "He shares his kupo nuts with me."
- Gav: "He has a very good nose."
- Kupka: "He's a very bad man."
- High Cardinal: "He thinks he's the leader but he's not."
- Otto: "He barks a lot."
- Famiel's introduction to the player ends with a twist on an old saying:Famiel: "Now, lads, what am I always tellin' ya? Good things come…to those…who run!" [Famiel runs away, shocking his associates]
Lackey: Wait for us, Chief! [Both run after him] - The first time Famiel manages to get away from Clive and company, he does it tricking the bandits into keeping the group occupied. The second time, Clive assumes Famiel is pulling another cheap trick. Except…no, he's serious, but it does sound like a lie. And the trio still manages to get away!Famiel: Look! Behind you! An Akashic monster!
Clive: [not looking] If you think I'm going to fall for another one of your cheap tricks…
[A roar sounds off.]
Jill: Clive—trouble!
[An Akashic aurochs approaches them.]
Clive: [turns to look] What? Oh. - It's not until Clive is explaining why he's destroying the Magitek Mothercrystal to Famiel that the dusk-crystal peddler realizes who this guy is.Famiel: Fuck me… You're Cid!
