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- Mix of heartwarming and funny in the pilot after newbie CSI Holly makes a wrong turn out of autopsy on her way to the bathroom and ends up accidentally getting locked in the morgue. Grissom rescues the terrified Holly and, when she says she could hear the corpses breathing, he turns to the door to the morgue and yells, "You assholes!" at the bodies.
- "Unfriendly Skies": Grissom and Sara discover semen in an airplane restroom, leading to a conversation about the Mile-High Club.Grissom: You know high altitude enhances the whole sexual experience, increases the euphoria.
Sara: Well, it's good...I don't know if it's that good. Cite your source.
Grissom: Hand me a swab please.
Sara: You're avoiding the question, "enhances sexual experience, increases euphoria", cite your source.
Grissom: A magazine.
Sara: What magazine?
Grissom: Applied Psychodynamics in Forensic Science.
Sara: Never heard of it.
Grissom: I'll get you a subscription. Now cite your source.
Sara: Oh, now you want to go down that route?
Sara: Nah, never mind.
Grissom: You started it.
Sara: Delta airlines, flight 1109, Boston- Miami, March 93, Ken Fuller, hazel eyes, organic chem lab TA BMOC, overrated, in every aspect. Could we get back to work please?
- Also the re-enactment of the victims death on the plane, especially Nick and Warrick playing a married couple.
- In "Chaos Theory", the team is discussing the title concept and Catherine comments that one cannot predict more than a few seconds into the future. Nick counters with a prediction that he'll still be standing in the same spot one minute from now. Ten seconds later, the gang starts to leave the room to continue working on the case, much to Nick's annoyance.
- "Slaves of Las Vegas": Brass, Willows and Grissom first meet Lady Heather. Their expressions when they realize what sort of place, exactly, they've walked into are priceless, especially the two men. Catherine starts to crack up, even.
- "Fight Night" begins with a boxer's death. When Grissom comes to investigate, he begins to make his famous episode introducing one liner before the opening begins. The cutaway music begins to play, only for Grissom to get a call that he's needed elsewhere. The music stops (with a sound effect), and for a second, Grissom looks slightly confused and almost disappointed that he couldn't make his one liner. He doesn't get to start the opening theme with a one liner until two crime scenes later.
- "The Last Laugh" had Jim Brass reopen the case of a woman who had apparently accidentally drowned in her bathtub, leading the husband to claim a $750,000 life insurance policy, after seeing the husband driving a new Ferrari and dating a much younger woman, and recalling that when being interviewed, he said "She was my life!" rather than "She is my life!". With the help of Nick and Sara, Brass finds a number of holes in the husband's story, enough to prove that she didn't drown accidentally but not enough to charge the husband with his wife's death. The husband and his lawyer are smugly walking out of police headquarters when they see the husband's Ferrari being towed away.Husband: Hey, hey that's my car! What are you...what the hell's going on?
Lawyer: (to Brass) This is harassment.
Brass: We don't have enough to file charges, but the insurance company feels they've got more than enough.
Nick: Civil charges.
Brass: Translated: They want their cheese back, man! They want their $750K!
Husband: They can just take my car?
Brass: For starters, yeah.
Nick: This isn't the end of our criminal investigation, George. It's just the beginning.
Brass: That's present tense.
- A bit of Corpsing of from Marg Helgenberger: in "Inside the Box", when Grissom goes in for ear surgery, Catherine's smirk is Helgenberger's own; William Peterson wasn't wearing anything under his hospital gown during the scene. You can infer for yourself the view during Grissom's walking-away part of the scene. Helgenberger said in an interview once that the original idea was to have "THE END" superimposed over William Petersen's bottom as he walked away in the hospital gown, as a joke. Executives nixed the idea as they thought that was too corny and odd for a crime drama series.
- Much of "Suckers" counts but especially the look of abject horror on Nick's face when he thinks he's accidentally damaged a centuries-old priceless sword and calmly asks "how's our insurance?" Also, Sara's own gape of "you are in soooooo much trouble..."
- "Who Shot Sherlock?": Warrick and Stokes are trying to figure out how the driver of a jeep could have been electrocuted, and to test various theories, they build a crash dummy out of ballistics gel, only for Catherine to find out.Catherine: Do you have any idea how much ballistics gel costs?
Warrick: We had no idea you did.
- From the same episode, all the suspects in the case are members of a Sherlock Holmes reenactment group, complete with period dress and faux English accents. As they realize what's going on, all but one of them switch to American English...Brass: You know, I think you'd better drop the accent.
Josh Frost: I can't. I'm English.
- From the same episode, all the suspects in the case are members of a Sherlock Holmes reenactment group, complete with period dress and faux English accents. As they realize what's going on, all but one of them switch to American English...
- The whole Epic Fail attempt by the gang-bangers in "4x4" to rob the taco man counts as both a Moment of Awesome and a Funny at the same time. The gang-bangers pull out their knives and threaten the taco man, who's not impressed. He stabs one of them with a carving knife and whacks the other one in the face with a pan of hot grease, causing them to run away. When Grissom asks the taco man why he didn't report it to the police, the taco man replies that the police have enough things to do, and this incident wasn't even worth bothering them. When he establishes that one of the gang-bangers carjacked a couple's Humvee to run over the taco stand for revenge, only to drive the wrong way down a one-way street and run over another car instead, Gil's face and now-legendary response are priceless: "I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard."
- "Iced" has Sara and Greg investigating a murder at a college dorm and talking to one of the residents. The topic of jocks comes up (the male victim was one).Suspect: Why don't you talk to him? He looks like he was a big jock on campus.
- The same episode has Ecklie dealing with a body going missing from autopsy. Turns out the victim's friends stole the body and had a party with it before leaving it on a bench outside a courthouse wearing a party hat and a cigar stuffed in his mouth.
- In "Gum Drops", Sara sets herself up for a perfect smartass remark when she posits that a possible quadruple murder in a family's house happened before Saturday morning because she noticed from a calendar on the wall that the ten-year-old daughter never got a gold star for doing her chores that day.Sara: I was really into gold stars when I was a kid.
Greg: As opposed to now?
Sara: [makes a face and silently turns around to continue processing the crime scene]
- During the episode "Still Life," the team is tasked with identifying the mother of a boy. The following exchange ensues.
- The episode "Poppin' Tags" features Dollar, an in-universe rap star who was assaulted, forced into women's lingerie (for the entire Internet to see), shot, and stuffed in a trunk in the...well, trunk of his own car. When Jim and Nick find him and offer to get him out of there to get medical attention, his response is classic.
- In "Rashomama", Sara interviews a drunk groomsman.Sara: Did you guys decorate the wedding car with all those beer cans?
Sara: Did you drink all the beer first?
- Later in the episode, Brass is interviewing the victim's son. In the background, he notices that a waiter, while cleaning up wine glasses from nearby tables, is drinking the remaining wine.
- Greg's side of the story is done in a Film Noir style, all in black and white (except for the ladies' lipstick and some blood), and features two bridesmaids seductively swabbing each other's mouths in front of him.Sara: (disbelieving) They did not!
- In "Built to Kill Part 2", Grissom is at former rock star Izzy Delancey's autopsy. Clip is here.Grissom: Cause of death?
Robbins: (sings) Blunt force trauma to the back of the skull and a fracture of the occipetal lobe. There was massive hemorrhaging on the brain and death was probably swift. Yeah!
Grisson: (turns to the corpse) Sorry, Izzy.
- In the final part of "Toe Tags", Brass interviews the soon-to-be-ex-wife of one of the deceased men. The impending divorcee had been cutting up furniture that he was going to lose in the divorce with a chainsaw.Julia Beltran: Don't tell me Lou cut up my mother's headboard.
Brass: [winces] Was it blue?
- "Happenstance": Warrick and Brass arrive at a victim's place of work and her secretary is on the phone, telling someone that she can't reach her boss and commenting that "She'd have to be lying dead in a ditch" to not be answering her phone. She then hangs up, and, when told that they have a warrant for the boss's office, asks what kind of trouble she's in.Brass: Well, it wasn't a ditch.
- This wonderful line from "Living Legend":Brass: Well, at least the driver was sober. I can't say the same about the boatload of high school kids he was driving around town. Listen to some of the wonderful statements I got: "We go 'rrrrr'. Dude goes 'Ahhh'. We go 'bam', dude goes 'Waaaaaah!'"
- "Loco Motives": The poor sap stuck waist deep in the cement, and the fact that Catherine can't stop cracking up at the situation, despite trying her damnedest to keep it in.Max: Lady, the best day I ever had is worse than the worst day you've ever imagined.
- Even better is when he's being interrogated by Brass and he explains just how unlucky he is, the story he recounts about running over his daughter with a car and leaving her with a gimp walk Crosses the Line Twice. Catherine's reaction is what really sells the moment, though. She's listening in through the mirror window and laughing her ass off at the whole thing: the poor woman can hardly breathe, she's laughing so hard.Max: I'm the guy who buys his daughter a puppy for her birthday and the next day... he backs out of the driveway and...
Brass: No. No. Don't tell me you ran over the puppy.
Max: No. I ran over my daughter. Twenty years later and she still walks funny.
- The horrible hilarity, condensed.
- Then to top it all off, he made a bet with Brass he'll never find out his name, and a little girl at the station sees him and says "Hi, Max!". Poor guy can't win for losing!
- Unfortunately, it swings back around to Tear Jerker when Grissom points out the ramifications of the incident. It goes into Fridge Logic when you realize that one of the series' main themes is 'putting yourself in the shoes of the victim' and Max was just as much of a victim as the others.
- Even better is when he's being interrogated by Brass and he explains just how unlucky he is, the story he recounts about running over his daughter with a car and leaving her with a gimp walk Crosses the Line Twice. Catherine's reaction is what really sells the moment, though. She's listening in through the mirror window and laughing her ass off at the whole thing: the poor woman can hardly breathe, she's laughing so hard.
- "Lab Rats": Hodges reveals that Henry has a email-pal from Iceland who "thinks you look like Warrick Brown, because that's the photo you used."
- Just the parts with Grissom, David, Doc Robbins, and the rat in the morgue and the hazmat suits.
- Jim Brass' face as he closes his phone in "Ending Happy" after finding out that the third consecutive person he's gotten to confess is not in fact the murderer.
- In fact, "Ending Happy" is this through and through. The topper is the end where Robbins has to put down the utterly ridiculous list of "mitigating factors" (crossbow bolt, poison, crowbar to the head) with a tired sigh.Nick: You do know what a good defense attorney's gonna say to all this, don't you? The lawn chair did it.
- In fact, "Ending Happy" is this through and through. The topper is the end where Robbins has to put down the utterly ridiculous list of "mitigating factors" (crossbow bolt, poison, crowbar to the head) with a tired sigh.
- In "Leapin' Lizards", an uncooperative suspect bites Greg's hand while he's trying to take a DNA swab. Later, Catherine asks Greg if he wants to "go out for a bite". His answer is to give a long, incredibly fake laugh, followed by a flat "No".
- Also, Grissom and Warrick discuss pigs:Grissom: Did you know pigs are very intelligent animals? Right behind chimps, dolphins, and elephants?
Warrick: Ahead of dogs?
Grissom: And certain politicians.
- Also, Grissom and Warrick discuss pigs:
- At the beginning of "A La Cart", a severed head wearing a football helmet with a high school logo is found. Nick quips that high school football has gotten a lot more brutal
- Catherine and Warrick investigate the death of a men's magazine publisher. It happened in a crowded restuarant, so they assume finding the killer will be easy... until Brass reveals the resturant is famous for its "Dining In The Dark" atmosphere by shutting down the lights to pitch blackness. The following exchange occurs:Catherine: (After hearing Brass' quick footsteps) Did he just leave?
Warrick: I think he did.
David: ...Guys? I got a dead body in here.
- Interviewing witnesses, they talk to a woman with a cut on her head. When asked how she got it, she explains her boyfriend had just proposed and she took advantage of the darkness to...reward him...under the table. Brass' expression is priceless.
- The team think they have the killer with a guy carrying night-vision goggles. It turns out he brought them to confirm his suspicions his wife was making out with his best friend with the other man's own wife glaring. "Always be suspicious when your wife wants to dine in the dark with another couple."
- Also in "A La Cart", Ecklie asks Sara how long she and Grissom have been involved and she says just two years. When pressed himself, Grisson says it was nine years ago and Ecklie insists they "get their stories straight." When she hears what he said, Sara can only laugh as she realizes that of course, Grissom interprets "involved" to mean their first meeting.
- Catherine and Warrick investigate the death of a men's magazine publisher. It happened in a crowded restuarant, so they assume finding the killer will be easy... until Brass reveals the resturant is famous for its "Dining In The Dark" atmosphere by shutting down the lights to pitch blackness. The following exchange occurs:
- In "Chick Chop Flick Shop", Wendy reveals that she once appeared in a low-budget horror film, and shows it to some of her co-workers. When Ronnie comments that it's mostly just girls with large breasts getting hacked up, Wendy comments that hers are just "medium". Hodges, however, can't help but add his opinion.Hodges: But perfect. [Everyone stares at him.] ...ly adequate.
- The episode closes with Doc Robbins and David also watching a horror film. The doc is more impressed by the apparent authenticity of a shot of a woman's throat being cut. "I believe I can see the epiglottis."
- Hodges' Lab Rats board game experiment in the episode "You Kill Me," and the scenario in which he's the victim. In his imagination, the reaction of everyone as they watch his "murder."
- The not-so-disguised names he gives the characters in the game. The worst example is his own.Wendy: Hodgkins??
Wendy: You named yourself after cancer?! (giggles)
- When Wendy tells Hodges that she's hoping to move up to become a field CSI, he expresses reservations about the idea. Then begin the next murder scenario less than a minute later, which opens with Wendy lying dead in a huge pile of blood.Wendy: [Voiceover] Well, now, that's a little passive-aggressive, don't you think?
- Also during the autopsy of the above scenario, the camera starts to pan downward towards her chest area, and dead!Wendy snaps "Hey! It's a neck wound!", snapping her eyes shut again once the camera moves back.
- Hodges' assessment of the method of Wendy's murder as "devilishly clever". Wendy thinks it's more in line with Wile E. Coyote.
- Also, the culmination of the Running Gag of Bobby being set up as the "killer".
- Or the autopsy Running Gag, brought to its logical and hilarious conclusion when Hodges is the victim:Doc Robbins: ...get it out of your system.
David: (giggling like an idiot) No sign of sexual traum—
- The main cast having to wait for the people trying to figure out what to do next is kinda funny, since it kinda adds Meta Humor into the mix since it makes one wonder how they feel about this show or even pokes fun at the cliches.
- The not-so-disguised names he gives the characters in the game. The worst example is his own.
- In the episode "A Theory of Everything," Brass is questioning a man for what seems like a standard murder. Cut to the morgue with a female deer on the autopsy table in a cocktail dress. And Doc Robbins taking pictures for his scrapbook.Robbins: This our Jane Doe. Doe, a deer. A female deer.
Suspect: My ex just cleaned me out.
Brass: Let me guess, her name's Bambi.
- Just before a suspect unexpectedly burns to death after getting Tased, Brass gives the Taser-wielding cop to "Light him up!" He later says that was a poor choice of words.
- This exchange between Hodges and Wendy, after Wendy rattles off StarTrek trivia:Hodges: You're like a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body!
Wendy: So are you.
- Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage watching Nick test his theory about the above burning, silently taking notes and giving him a thumbs up when his test is successful.
- The outcome of Catherine's case.
- David's disbelieving response upon finding a rubber chicken stuffed down a dead woman's throat and Grissom not immediately making his typical cut-to-opening-sequence pun: "Come on, you've gotta say something. I suspect fowl play? That's poultry evidence?" Grissom's response? "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."
- Most of Two and a Half Deaths is this, due to the flashbacks with the victim.
- Wendy gives Hodges a lesson in how to use a tampon. It Makes Sense in Context.
- Also, this exchange, when Warrick shows Catherine and Grissom an irregularity in a bloodstain:Warrick: What does this look like to you?
Grissom: Hermaphrodite on roller skates.
Catherine: A puppy.
- "Art Imitates Life" begins with the investigation of a dead body found still standing. Catherine wonders aloud if she "forgot to fall down".
- And then David shows up, confused, because he was called to deal with a body, but he can't spot one at the crime scene. Grissom tells him to "Ask her", indicating the standing dead woman. It takes David a couple of tries to realize he's talking to a corpse.
- "Say Uncle": David, commenting on the amount of identification on one victim (compared to a second, who has none), initially uses the phrase "ID orgasm- overload. I meant overload."
- "19 Down...": Serial Killer Nate Haskell has a dark sense of humor that can occasionally crack a viewer up. At one point in the episode, he calls Prof. Ray Langston and tells him to look out the window, claiming to be in the parking lot. Ray does so, and after a few seconds of looking at an empty parking lot, Haskell chuckles and tells him "I made you look."
- "Turn, Turn, Turn": Nick notices a bullet hole in the ceiling above the dead body, and then notices a disturbing green goo dripping through it. He tries to warn David, but the assistant coroner only looks up and it lands directly on his face.
- Riley talks to an older couple who were having very... enthusiastic and loud sex in the motel room next door to the crime scene. She's so flustered that she initially introduces herself as being from the "Lime Crab."
- "Bloodsport": The Victim of the Week is a college football coach, and Ray goes on about the complexity of the game. Catherine comments that she just like to watch the guys hit each other - and look at their butts. What's more, they soon after find a fingerprint on a trophy shaped like a football player... on its butt.
- The entirety of "Appendicitement", the episode where Nick, Greg and Hodges try to take Henry out for a nice barbecue dinner for his birthday. It starts with Nick flipping the car on the way, leaving all four of them walking wounded, and Henry's evening just gets worse from there. No wonder the poor guy hates his birthdays.
- The first victim of the episode's death turns out to be like something from 1000 Ways to Die. He was trying to kill his long-standing nemesis, "Raccoon-Zilla", by luring it to the bottom of a pipe, pumping in flammable gas, and tossing in a match. Unfortunately, the gas was pooled at the bottom of the pipe, and the match would always go out before reaching it, so the guy decided to just shoot the raccoon. The resulting explosion launched both man and raccoon through a nearby window, with the raccoon attached to his face as it went in for one last defiant bite.
- Black Comedy at its finest: A murder suspect keeps falling asleep in interrogation due to a medical issue. The first two times, Brass wakes him up by slapping the table. The third time, he doesn't wake up, so Brass lifts his head and realizes that the man is dead - and then just lets his head drop back onto the table with a clunk.
- "The Panty Sniffer": Nick and Langston's reactions when they realize that the lingerie show they're visiting (for the investigation) is selling women's used panties to men who enjoy sniffing them.
- The main case of "Field Mice" has Hodges and Wendy bringing two high school students to the lab to study an old case. What makes it funny is that the case is being told as if Hodges and Wendy were the main investigators, so everything is told from the point of view of the analysts. So Brass gets turned into a guy who likes drinking, Doc Al Robbins becomes a corner who likes watching cat videos and taking the credit from David, and Langston is now the trace analyst.
- One of the kids is able to figure it out, largely because of how Hodges waxes poetic about the trace lab, and his obvious discomfort at the crime scene.Guillermo: Clearly that man does not relish being outdoors.
- Henry is unquestionably the Butt-Monkey of the episode, being subjected to a variety of pranks designed to make him late for his date with Wendy, culminating in his shoes, one hand, and face glued to the inside of his locker. And also dealing with the litany of sticking-related puns Langston delivers as he gets him un-stuck.Langston: Obviously someone has not been adhering to lab policy against pranks. Which is strange, because we're usually such a cohesive group. It's an injustice, because you... [yanks Henry off the locker] are the glue that holds this place together. [Later:] Stick it to 'im, Henry!
- One of the kids is able to figure it out, largely because of how Hodges waxes poetic about the trace lab, and his obvious discomfort at the crime scene.
- "Take My Life, Please!": A murder suspect in interrogation is informed of the victim's death, and suddenly jumps up with a loud, celebratory whoop, startling Catherine.
- Everything involving Hodges and the dinosaurs from "Cold Blooded," including inspecting the dinosaurs and playing with them, to Langston finding out that Hodges called out sick... only for Langston to look over at Hodges posing with one of the dinosaurs for a selfie and grinning like a fool.
- In "Bump and Grind," the CSIs have to sift through trash to find evidence. They then play Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who gets stuck with getting body parts.
- The episode "Wild Life." In the case where a couple is mysteriously killed in their home, the culprits turn out to be the parrot and cat they owned. Brass' expressions during the whole Necro Cam are priceless.
- "Turn On, Tune In, Drop Dead" features two dead guys getting up and walking away, inevitably leading to a lot of zombie jokes. This includes Hodges coining the phrase 'ZODIS' (the zombie version of CODIS), and Catherine coming up with the term 'DOAWOL'.
- When the first body wakes up in the morgue, the first thing David does upon seeing the 'zombie' is faint right on the spot. Later, when asked how he ended up unconscious, he insists that he was "defending [his] domain".
- One of the 'zombies' is being chased by the cops, and runs into the street, getting mowed down and killed by a random vehicle. Officer Mitchell insists on cuffing him anyway, just in case.
- "Hitting the Cycle" has the team realizing they may hit the rare combination of suicide, homicide, accidental death and natural causes in the same shift and take bets on it. Meanwhile, Robbins has to put up with an incredibly rude and obnoxious new assistant, Kevin, whose frat boy attitude drives everyone nuts.
- One victim is a very obese video game player who was so dedicated that he wore a diaper to ensure he wouldn't need a break. Robbins makes Kevin be the one to remove the diaper with Catherine noting, "It's a great use of his skills."
- In true Black Comedy, Robbins and David find Kevin lying on a table seemingly taking a nap. It turns out he's actually dead of an aneurysm brought on by taking painkillers for his hangover. Rather than be upset, Doc celebrates winning the bet...as he'd wagered David would be the one to find the "natural causes" death to round out the cycle. He leaves as he dials his cell phone, David thinking he's calling 9-1-1 and Robbins smirking; he's calling Henry to collect on the betting pool.
- Sara's reaction to what happened to the wrinkled-skin guy in "73 Seconds." The victim's friend, a rural gas station owner, explains that the victim was gored by a deer the two were trying to dress, only to have it turn out Not Quite Dead. He then tries to clean out the wound with a high-pressure air hose, but the nozzle gets stuck and, well, he inflates himself to death. The gas station owner dumped the body because having a corpse around would be bad for business, and besides the deer that started the whole mess was out of season. The Flat "What" expression on Sara's face as she hears this litany of common sense fail is priceless.
- The eponymous crime in "Stealing Home" manages to cross the line twice. The entire damn house is gone. Somehow.
- The house was eventually found, with a guy, complete with red shoes, stuck under it. The dialogue made this scene.
- At the end of the episode the three siblings are still fighting over ownership of the house. The sister (who is the Only Sane Man of the family despite being the one who stole the house in the first place) is trying to get her brothers to stop fighting, and one of them replies that she's "not even their real sister anymore," since it was discovered during the episode that she has a different father than her brothers. Her exasperated, "We have the same mother, you idiot!" was hilarious.
- "It Was a Very Good Year" starts with Brass playing a piano in the middle of the desert.
- When Hodges' incredibly gorgeous Italian fiancee drops by in "Double Fault", Henry is trying to use his phone's translation app to figure out her ranting. The fight brings out several other folks to watch before she gives Hodges a long kiss.Henry: I have never been jealous of Hodges until this moment.
- Catherine's daughter becomes a Level One CSI. Grissom doesn't recognize her, so when Catherine asks him to help the "new girl" out, it leads to this exchange:Grissom: Where did that girl come from anyway?
Catherine: (incredulous look) My vagina.
(Grissom looks up slowly.)
Catherine: You don't recognize her? (laughs) That's-That's Lindsey. That's my daughter.
(Grissom gapes at her.)
- Particularly funny since Lindsey is played by a completely different actress, so a lot of the fans didn't recognize her either.