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Funny / CSI

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  • Mix of heartwarming and funny in the pilot after newbie CSI Holly makes a wrong turn out of autopsy on her way to the bathroom and ends up accidentally getting locked in the morgue. Grissom rescues the terrified Holly and, when she says she could hear the corpses breathing, he turns to the door to the morgue and yells, "You assholes!" at the bodies.
  • The main case of “Field Mice” has Hodges and Wendy bringing two high school students to the lab to study an old case. What’s make it funny is that the case is being told as if Hodges and Wendy were the main investigators, so everything is told from the point of view of the analysts. So Brass gets turned into a guy who likes drinking, Doc Al Robbins becomes a corner who likes watching cat videos and taking the credit from David, and Langston is now the tech analyst.
  • Jim Brass' face as he closes his phone in "Ending Happy" after finding out that the third consecutive person he's gotten to confess is not in fact the murderer.
    • In fact, "Ending Happy" is this through and through.
  • The whole Epic Fail attempt by the gang-bangers in "4x4" to rob the taco man counts as both a Moment of Awesome and a Funny at the same time. The gang-bangers pull out their knives and threaten the taco man, who's not impressed. He stabs one of them with a carving knife and whacks the other one in the face with a pan of hot grease, causing them to run away. When Grissom asks the taco man why he didn't report it to the police, the taco man replies that the police have enough things to do, and this incident wasn't even worth bothering them. When he establishes that one of the gang-bangers carjacked a couple's Humvee to run over the taco stand for revenge, only to drive the wrong way down a one-way street and run over another car instead, Gil's face and now-legendary response are priceless: "I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard."
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  • Sara's reaction to what happened to the wrinkled-skin guy in "73 Seconds." The victim's friend, a rural gas station owner, explains that the victim was gored by a deer the two were trying to dress, only to have it turn out Not Quite Dead. He then tries to clean out the wound with a high-pressure air hose, but the nozzle gets stuck and, well, he inflates himself to death. The gas station owner dumped the body because having a corpse around would be bad for business, and besides the deer that started the whole mess was out of season. The Flat "What" expression on Sara's face as she hears this litany of common sense fail is priceless.
  • David's disbelieving response upon finding a rubber chicken stuffed down a dead woman's throat and Grissom not immediately making his typical cut-to-opening-sequence pun: "Come on, you've gotta say something. I suspect fowl play? That's poultry evidence?" Grissom's response? "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."
    • Most of “Two and a Half Deaths” is this, due to the flashbacks with the victim.
  • S7E10 "Loco Motives": The poor sap stuck waist deep in the cement, and the fact that Catherine can't stop cracking up at the situation, despite trying her damnedest to keep it in.
    Max: Lady, your worst day is ten times better than the best day of my life.
    • Even better is when he's being interrogated by Brass and he explains just how unlucky he is, the story he recounts about running over his daughter with a car and leaving her with a gimp walk Crosses the Line Twice. Catherine's reaction is what really sells the moment, though. She's listening in through the mirror window and laughing her ass off at the whole thing: the poor woman can hardly breathe, she's laughing so hard.
    Max: I'm the type of guy who buys his daughter a puppy for her birthday and the next day... he backs out of the driveway and...
    Brass: No, no. Don't tell me you ran over the puppy.
    Max: No. I ran over my daughter. Twenty years later and she still walks funny.
    • The horrible hilarity, condensed.
    • Then to top it all off, he made a bet with Brass he'll never find out his name, and a little girl at the station sees him and says "Hi, Max!". Poor guy can't win for losing!
    • Unfortunately, it swings back around to Tear Jerker when Grissom points out the ramifications of the incident. It goes into Fridge Logic when you realize that one of the series' main themes is 'putting yourself in the shoes of the victim' and Max was just as much of a victim as the others.
  • Hodges' Lab Rats board game experiment in the episode "You Kill Me", and the scenario in which he's the victim. In his imagination, the reaction of everyone as they watch his "murder".
    • Also, the culmination of the Running Gag of Bobby being set up as the "killer".
    • Or the autopsy Running Gag, brought to its logical and hilarious conclusion when Hodges is the victim:
      Doc Robbins: ...get it out of your system.
      David: (giggling like an idiot) No sign of sexual traum—
      Robbins: OUT!!
    • Just the parts with Grissom, David, Doc Robbins, and the rat in the morgue and the hazmat suits.
    • The main cast having to wait for the people trying to figure out what to do next is kinda funny, since it kinda adds Meta Humor into the mix since it makes one wonder how they feel about this show or even pokes fun at the cliches.
  • In "Gum Drops", Sara sets herself up for a perfect smartass remark when she posits that a possible quadruple murder in a family's house happened before Saturday morning because she noticed from a calendar on the wall that the ten-year-old daughter never got a gold star for doing her chores that day.
    Sara: I was really into gold stars when I was a kid.
    Greg: As opposed to now?
    Sara: [makes a face and silently turns around to continue processing the crime scene]
  • "Unfriendly Skies": Grissom and Sara discover semen in an airplane restroom, leading to a conversation about the Mile-High Club.
    Grissom: You know high altitude enhances the whole sexual experience, increases the euphoria.
    Sara: Well, it's good...I don't know if it's that good. Cite your source.
    Grissom: Hand me a swab please.
    Sara: You're avoiding the question, "enhances sexual experience, increases euphoria", cite your source.
    Grissom: A magazine.
    Sara: What magazine?
    Grissom: Applied Psychodynamics in Forensic Science.
    Sara: Never heard of it.
    Grissom: I'll get you a subscription. Now cite your source.
    Sara: Oh, now you want to go down that route?
    Grissom: Yeah.
    Sara: Nah, never mind.
    Grissom: You started it.
    Sara: Delta airlines, flight 1109, Boston- Miami, March 93, Ken Fuller, hazel eyes, organic chem lab TA BMOC, overrated, in every aspect. Could we get back to work please?
    • Also the re-enactment of the victim’s death on the plane,especially Nick and Warrick playing a married couple.
  • The third-season episode "The Last Laugh" had Jim Brass reopen the case of a woman who had apparently accidentally drowned in her bathtub, leading the husband to claim a $750,000 life insurance policy, after seeing the husband driving a new Ferrari and dating a much younger woman, and recalling that when being interviewed, he said "She was my life!" rather than "She is my life!". With the help of Nick and Sara, Brass finds a number of holes in the husband's story, enough to prove that she didn't drown accidentally but not enough to charge the husband with his wife's death. The husband and his lawyer are smugly walking out of police headquarters when they see the husband's Ferrari being towed away.
    Husband: Hey, hey that's my car! What are you...what the hell's going on?
    Lawyer: (to Brass) This is harassment.
    Brass: We don't have enough to file charges, but the insurance company feels they've got more than enough.
    Nick: Civil charges.
    Brass: Translated: They want their cheese back, man! They want their $750K!
    Husband: They can just take my car?
    Brass: For starters, yeah.
    Nick: This isn't the end of our criminal investigation, George. It's just the beginning.
    Brass: That's present tense.
  • Brass questioning a man for what seems like a standard murder. Cut to the morgue with a female deer on the autopsy table in a cocktail dress. And Doc Robbins taking pictures for his scrapbook.
  • The episode "Wild Life". In the case where a couple is mysteriously killed in their home, the culprits turn out to be the parrot and cat they owned. Brass' expressions during the whole Necro Cam are priceless.
  • Justin Bieber gets shot and killed. Not much else that one can say about that.
  • The third season episode "Fight Night" begins with a boxer's death. When Grissom comes to investigate, he begins to make his famous episode intoducing one liner before the opening begins. The cutaway music begins to play, only for Grissom to get a call that he's needed elsewhere. The music stops (with a sound effect), and for a second, Grissom looks slightly confused and almost disappointed that he couldn't make his one liner. He doesn't get to start the opening theme with a one liner until two crime scenes later.
  • The entirety of the episode where Nick, Greg and Hodges try to take Henry out for a nice barbecue dinner for his birthday. It starts with Nick flipping the car on the way, leaving all four of them walking wounded, and Henry's evening just gets worse from there. No wonder the poor guy hates his birthdays.
  • Everything involving Hodges and the dinosaurs from "Cold Blooded", including inspecting the dinosaurs and playing with them, to Langston finding out that Hodges called out sick... only for Langston to look over at Hodges posing with one of the dinosaurs for a picture and grinning like a fool.
  • The episode where Brass, Willows and Grissom first meet Lady Heather. Their expressions when they realize what sort of place, exactly, they've walked into are priceless, epecially the two men. Catherine starts to crack up, even.
  • The eponymous crime in "Stealing Home" manages to cross the line twice. The entire damn house is gone. Somehow.
    • The house was eventually found, with a guy, complete with red shoes, stuck under it. The dialogue made this scene.
    "They're a man's legs."
    "It's not Debbie Hicks."
    • At the end of the episode the three siblings are still fighting over ownership of the house. The sister (who is the Only Sane Man of the family despite being the one who stole the house in the first place) is trying to get her brothers to stop fighting, and one of them replies that she's "not even their real sister anymore," since it was discovered during the episode that she has a different father than her brothers. Her exasperated "We have the same mother, you idiot!" was hilarious.
  • The episode "Poppin' Tags" features Dollar, an in-universe rap star who was assaulted, forced into women's lingerie (for the entire Internet to see), shot, and stuffed in a trunk in the...well, trunk of his own car. When Jim and Nick find him and offer to get him out of there to get medical attention, his response is classic.
    Dollar: What are you, crazy, man!? All these people around? THE PRESS!? Naw, lemme know when we get to the hospital, man! (slams lid of the box he's in shut)
  • In "Built to Kill Part 2", Grissom is at former rock star Izzy Delancey's autopsy. Clip is here.
    Grissom: Cause of death?
    Robbins: (sings) Blunt force trauma to the back of the skull and a fracture of the occiptal lobe. There was massive hemorrhaging on the brain and death was probably swift. Yeah!
  • In one episode, they investigate the death of a men's magazine publisher. It happened in a crowded restuarant, so they assume finding the killer will be easy... until Brass reveals the resturant is famous for its "Dining In The Dark" atmosphere by shutting down the lights to pitch blackness. The following exchange occurs:
    Catherine: (After hearing Brass' quick footsteps) Did he just leave?
    Warrick: I think he did.
    David: ...Guys? I got a dead body in here.
    • Interviewing witnesses, they talk to a woman with a cut on her head. When asked how she got it, she explains her boyfriend had just proposed and she took advantage of the darkness to...reward him...under the table. Brass' expression is priceless.
    • The team think they have the killer with a guy carrying night-vision goggles. It turns out he brought them to confirm his suspicions his wife was making out with his best friend with the other man's own wife glaring. "You invite us to a dinner in a resturant where no one can see, you didn't think that was a warning sign?"
  • "It Was a Very Good Year" starts with Brass playing a piano in the middle of the desert.
  • In the episode "A Theory of Everything", one victim is a doe. Hilarity Ensues.
    Robbins: This our Jane Doe. Doe, a deer. A female deer.
    Suspect: My ex cleaned me out.
    Brass: Let me guess. Let me guess, her name's Bambi.
  • "Who Shot Sherlock Holmes?": Warrick and Stokes are trying to figure out how the driver of a jeep could have been electrocuted, and to test various theories, they build a crash dummy out of ballistics gel, only for Catherine to find out.
    Catherine: Do you have any idea how much ballistics gel costs?
    Warrick: We had no idea you did.
    • From the same episode, all the suspects in the case are members of a Sherlock Holmes reenactment group, complete with period dress and faux English accents. As they realize what's going on, all but one of them switch to American English...
      Brass: You know, I think you'd better drop the accent.
      Josh Frost: I can't. I'm English.
  • When Hodges' incredibly gorgeous Italian fiancee drops by, Henry is trying to use his phone's translation app to figure out her ranting. The fight brings out several other folks to watch before she gives Hodges a long kiss.
    Henry: I have never been jealous of Hodges until this moment.
  • In Immortality, Catherine's daughter becomes a Level One CSI. Grissom doesn't recognize her, so when Catherine asks him to help the "new girl" out, it leads to this exchange:
    Grissom: Where did that girl come from anyway?
    Catherine: (incredulous look) My vagina.
    (Grissom looks up slowly.)
    Catherine: You don't recognize her? (laughs) That's-That's Lindsey. That's my daughter.
    (Grissom gapes at her.)
  • During the episode "Still Life", the team is tasked with identifying the mother of a boy. The following exchange ensues.
    Warrick: So this kid has two moms?
    Brass: King Solomon threatened to cut the baby in half. What are you going to do?
  • During the Season Five episode "Iced" the team is faced with a spontaneous toilet explosion (it turns out someone used the toilet to dispose of dry ice). However, what really takes the cake in the episode is that a body is stolen from the lab's morgue and found again after it had been to a party.
  • in "Bump and Grind", the CSIs have to shift through trash to find evidence. They then play Rock Paper Scissors to see who gets stuck with getting body parts.


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