Funny / Team America: World Police

An Overly Long Gag to make you gag.

• Following the film's epic opening title worthy of the biggest Jerry Bruckheimer production, we Fade In on... a crudely drawn Parisian background and even cruder looking marionette speaking fake French in and even cruder fake accent while stereotypical French music plays under it. Then, once you're nice and fooled (it's rumored that, at an executives' screening, one Paramount suit yelled "Oh my god, they fucked us!!"), it pans out to reveal a much more elaborate, professional-looking set with much better marionettes.
• The oh, so epic pep-talk in the bar. 'nuff said.
• "Gary, you're the only one with the pow—" "I DONT WANT THE FUCKING POWER!"
• "Don't worry! Everything is 'bon'! We've stopped the terrorists!" (French citizens look around at the burning remains of their city)
  • The destruction of Paris itself deserves elaboration. Up until a certain point, Team America was actually doing a pretty good job disposing of the terrorists, with the collateral damage being borderline negligible. Then when they get to the guy with the bomb, Joe pulls out a rocket launcher, and the rest is history.
• When everyone is trying to disguise Gary as an Arab terrorist, they accomplish this by just gluing a whole bunch of hair to his face.
  • Prior to that, there's an entire sequence of Gary getting operated on and undergoing a rather complicated facial surgery, which makes the end result even more funnier.
  • Even funnier, when Gary attempts to signal the team while in disguise like they planned, they don't recognize him.
• Gary's entire speech in the end, about "Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes..."
  • Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
• "Your acting skills are diminishing with age, Ms. Sarandon."
  • (Death Glare) "...YOU SHALL DIE A PEASANT'S DEATH!"
  • Sarandon's Disney Villain Death, where she splats on the ground like a water balloon.
• Puppet sex. That is all.
• The scene right before the puppet sex, when Lisa's attracted to Gary but still not over losing her fiance, who was fatally wounded in a previous mission and died in her arms.
  Lisa: God, I'm so confused. It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
  Gary: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
  Lisa: But I have to control them, because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful.
  Gary: So, so what? You're just going to shut down? I really like you.There's no chance we can ever be together?
  Lisa: Only if you could promise me you'll never die.
  Gary: You know I can't promise that.
  Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
  Gary: I promise I will never die.
• In one blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment during the dogfight between Team America and Korean aircraft, one of the shots of Spottswoode shows him strafing on his chair upside-down.
• "I'm gonna cut off your fucking balls and shove them up your ass so that next time you shit, you'll shit on your balls!
• Kim Jong-Il dumping Hans Blix into the shark tank: "There you go, Hans Brix! How do you like that, you fucking cocksucker!? Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?! Well fuck you! You want an inspection? Well inspect that you butt fucking piece of shit!". Right before that, there was Hans' "threat" to Kim Jong-Il.
  Hans: I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me see your whole palace, or else!
  Kim: Or erse what?
  Hans: Or else we will be very, very angry with you — and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
• The Vomit scene. The accompanying music only makes it better.
• Gary hopping aboard the flying limo for the first time:
  Gary: Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
  Spottswoode: Really? Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?
  Gary: No.
  Spottswoode: So, then you haven't see everything!
• Special mention for the "Giant panthers" which are actually two normal sized, playful house cats. Not even angry cats, just two normal black cats, padding about, made to look huge because the puppets are so small. Beats the Giant Killer Bunny Rabbits from Night of the Lepus for the coveted "Least threatening giant monster animal" award.
• "I'm so ronery" is both funny and sad at the same time
• Spottswoode giving Gary a weapon to kill himself in case of capture... which turns out to be a hammer. A small one.
• The kung fu scene involving Chris and a terrorist.
  • Every single one of the "fight scenes" qualify, since it literally just consists of the two puppets flailing their arms at one another while the intense soundtrack booms in the background.
• MAATTT DAAAAAMONNN!!!
• "Team America has once again pissed off the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo."
• I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E's voice. It sounds like a cripplingly depressed pothead attempting a Bill Murray impression.
• I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E: "Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel."
  • The fact that the words 'giant socialist weasel' above actually link to that particular page is a Crowning Moment Of Funny for this page in general, I think.
• And this
  Spotswood: There's no-one else to stop Kim Jong-Il!
  Gary: Let me go.
  Spotswood: You? You're a butt-fucking quitter!
• While the scene where The Team gets ambushed by North Koreans and terrorists from Durka-Durkastan is not exactly funny, this particular line had this troper chuckling: "We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!"
• The montage song.
• Tim Robbins' explanation as to why Team America and "the corporations" are bad.
  Tim Robbins: Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money.
• Childish, but: "In an ideal future, we solve problems and dispose of dangerous people with words, not violence. That is the F.A.G. way! [...] They'll look back and say, 'Wow, way to go FAG. You really made the world a better place, didn't you FAG?'"
• "Derka Derka, Mohammed Jihad." AKA the entire Arabic language.
• Kim Jong-il getting fed up with his allies. "Okay, who brew up Panama Canal!?" [...] Goddamn it, how many times do I have to terr you? You don't use the WMDs untir you see the signar. I have worked ten years on this pran. It is a very precise and a compricated pran. I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up. Now take the weapons where I tord you and wait for the fucking signar this time! Goodbye!".
• "9/11 times a hundred? Oh my god, that would be..."
  • "Correct. 91,100".
• Kim Jong-il killing his interpreter.
  Interpreter: He asks "what part of the deal you did not understand?". He says that perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you. He says he should... f-fire his...translator?
  *BANG!!!*
• Kim Jong-il's subversion of Genre Savvy when he's about to set off the nukes.
  Kim Jong Il: You see, no Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day. This is the real world. I'm afraid your world is over! ...in five minutes. YES THE TICKING CROCK!
• This exchange between Gary and two terrorists while they're being chased by Joe and Chris, (who don't know Gary is not a terrorist), shortly after their grill-mounted machine guns killed one of the other terrorists.
  Gary: Hey guys, I think we should pull over!
  Terrorist 1: Pull over? YES, OF COURSE!! Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them!!
  Terrorist 2: I love your balls!!
  • Then there's the part Team America Hummer falls for the "pull-over" trick, and Gary's Oh, Crap! reaction when the terrorists charge their explosive-laden jeep at them. Cue two more hilarious (and awesome) moments: first, Lisa uses her bike to jump over the terrorist jeep, and yank Gary out of it. Then, Chris, giving the immortal line "SURPRISE, COCKFAGS!!!", flips down the hood of the Team America Hummer, and turns it into a ramp, causing the terrorists to fly "head-first" into the Sphinx, complete with, you guessed it, Stuff Blowing Up.
  • Just before that, Gary trying to inform the team that he's in the jeep.
    Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
    Gary: It's me! It's me!
    Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
    Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker! (launches missile)
• Gary's initial Refusal of the Call.
  Spottswoode: We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.
  Gary: All right, thanks. (walks out the door)
  Spottswoode: (beat) Huh.
• When Gary is having a Heroic BSoD after hearing about the destruction of the Panama Canal, the utterly serious mood is dashed with this priceless exchange:
  Gary: You see?! All I do is hurt people!
  Lisa: Gary, you didn't kill your brother! Those gorillas did!
  • And later at the bar, when he's drinking and depressed.
    Random Patron: Hey, aren't you that actor in that broadway show? Oh, yeah, it is you! Sing that part where everybody gets AIDS!
    Gary: [very subdued] I don't act anymore. I gave that up.
    Random Patron: Oh, come on, man. Just a scene.
    Gary: [snaps] I SAID GET AWAY FROM ME!
    Random Patron: [walks away]
• "Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them." It's like Insane Troll Logic had a baby with tautology and let the baby smoke valium until it came up with the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said.
• "There's no 'I' in 'Team America'!"
  Yes, there is.
• When Mount Rushmore is on TV:
  Sarah: Hey, that's here! (Joe stares at her in disbelief that she'd be so dense)
  • Slightly justified in that this is supposed to be their "secret" base.
• Sean Penn trying to rally anti-Team America support.
  "Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles."
• After the Panama Canal has been blown up:
  Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.! Very bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!
  I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: I'm sorry...
• The "Everyone has AIDS" song from Gary's Broadway performance.
• During the Panama Canal bombing scene, a tidal wave sweeps away everything in its path. One inhabitant shouts "No! No me gusta!" as he is swept away
• The entire "Pearl Harbor Sucks" song, in which the singer expresses how much he misses his girlfriend, and also how much Pearl Harbor sucks.
  I need youu like Ben Affleck needs acting school
  He was terrible in that film
  I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
  He's way better than Ben Affleck
  And now all I can think about is your smile
  and that shitty movie too
  Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you.
  • But special mention goes to a scene during the montage, where the camera zooms in on Gary, only to push him out of the shot.
• "God dammit, open your fucking ears!"
• Many of the scenes involving Joe. He's an all-American quarterback, with a very manly appearance...then, when he opens his mouth, out comes a high-pitched, un-masculine voice.
• Some of the deleted scenes are quite funny.
  • Ben Affleck spews F.A.G. propaganda, while being represented by a hand puppet, not even an actual marionette.
  • Around the time of Gary's 10-Minute Retirement, Joe complains about Chris smoking, saying that it's unhealthy. Chris fires back that it can "save your life"... and come the fight with Tim Robbins, he's right.
  • Spottswoode declares that he'll "never be racist again"... after lamenting that his belief that "the ultimate terrorist had to be Middle Eastern" blinded him to the fact that a "gook" like Kim Jong-Il was the mastermind behind the terrorists.
  • Spottswoode makes a last-ditch attempt to get Gary to stay, only for Gary to say that everyone hates them now. Spottswoode says that everyone hated Winnie The Pooh. After a beat, a dumbfounded Gary says, "No, they didn't!", whereupon Spottswoode says he blames Pooh for killing JFK.

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