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Main Show Hosts
Arnie Niekamp
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
Arnie is a human from from Earth. He fell through a magical portal behind the drive through at a Burger King in Chicago, and found himself in the magical land of Foon.
- Do Not Call Me "Paul": Dislikes being called Arnold.
- Given Name Reveal: Later, we get to know that Arnie's given name is Arnold, which happened to be very similar to Arnor, famous mythical hero in Foon with legendary achievements, and also you get to shorten your name only if you have achieved deeds twice the famous person, who has same name as you, has.
- Innocently Insensitive: Arnie often unintentionally insults his guests (and sometimes his co-hosts), often by simply not knowing what is or isn't appropriate to say. His co-hosts are usually quick to call him out on it.Arnie, introducing an imp while sitting next to a shapeshifter and a wizard: I'm excited! I feel like it's been a while since we've had a truly magical guest.
Usidore: How dare you? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU??
Arnie: I wish that was an intentional insult, but it really-
Chunt: You know I'm a shapeshifter, right?
Arnie: That's true, that's true! Chunt, you are truly magical as well.
Chunt: You're a dick. - Mistaken for Gay: In Foon, the first rumor about anyone is that they're gay, and Arnie's gay rumor is spread by Chunt.
- Once per Episode: Arnie almost always gives a brief rundown of how he would up in Foon at the beginning of every episode.
- Token Human: Arnie acts as this in most episodes, though humans are sometimes interviewed.
- Unfortunate Names: Chunt and Usidore like to point out how "Arnie Niekamp" is awkward to say.
Chunt
- Played by: Adal Rifai
Chunt is a changeling who changes shape (usually) 2 weeks after engaging in sexual acts with the species/person/magical item whose shape he would like to take. Later in the series, he gains the ability to shapeshift at will.
- Affectionate Nickname: His cohosts sometimes call him "Chu-Chu".
- Bizarre Alien Reproduction: Shapeshifters (or at least male shapeshifters) only produce one sperm in their entire life, and must preserve this sperm and insert it into a mate if they want to produce a child.
- The Charmer: He talks smoothly and flirts with lots of creatures. He is very popular and it seems everyone is willing to sacrifice for Chunt's sake. For example, Larry Birdman wants Chunt to join Mittens. Also, his partner has never made it out alive in Make-out Point because they always choose for Chunt to survive.
- Extreme Omnisexual: Chunt flirts and sleeps with creatures of all gender and species. His sexual and romantic partners include multiple badgers, a tiny horse, a crocodile, and a cockroach.
- Hybrid Monster: Shapeshifters like Chunt are born from the union of a manticore and a hunger ghost.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Chunt loves giving his friends a hard time, and can be incredibly callous and mean, especially towards Arnie. But he's a good dude deep down; he truly cares about his friends and wants them to be happy.
- Munchkin: Within the games of the tabletop roleplaying game Offices and Bosses, Chunt plays as a murderhobo who solves all problems by stabbing his coworkers with a sword.
- Only One Name: Chunt.
- Sex Magic: He has the power to shapeshift into any creature by having sex with that creature.
- Shapeshifting: Chunt takes the form of whatever being he last had sex with.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: In season 3 he discovers that having sex with Twosidor allowed him to shapeshift at will, but every form retains his badger markings.
- Talking Animal: Foon has many different kinds of talking animals. Chunt is a shapeshifter in the form of talking badger.
- Tsundere: Chunt usually vacillates between insulting Arnie, and wanting to marry or sleep with him.
Usidore the Blue
- Played by: Matt Young
Usidore is a wizard and regular guest on Arnie's podcast.
- Born as an Adult: All wizards are born this way.
- Born of Magic: Usidore the Blue came into the world fully formed as an adult. He was born of wind, fire, earth, and birds (and lightning and some frogs).
- Casting a Shadow: Usidore uses his shadow manipulation to create objects.
- Inept Mage: Downplayed. Arnie frequently suspects that Usidore can't actually do magic, and he's always going around giving people "magic" rocks that don't do anything. Usidore can actually do magic, but it's pretty underwhelming: he once failed to conjure up a full-sized cow, producing only a dog-sized one, and his magical abilities pale in comparison to Spintax's.
- Large Ham: Usidore is frequently shouting things at the top of his lungs, especially his name during the episode intro.
- Light 'em Up: Can light candles with a spell.
- Magic Staff: Usidore's is made of birch, topped with a hexatite crystal.
- Running Gag: His extremely long name and his ongoing quest to recruit adventurers to defeat the Dark Lord are the most prominent ones. Others include his hatred of starlings, his use of "magical" rocks, and for a time, his desire to put soup in his butt.
- Shock and Awe: Uses his "Miniscule Lightning" spell to help Arnie power his electronic equipment while in Foon.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know him as Fi’ang Yalok, the dwarves know him as Zoenen Hoogstandjes, and he is known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar, are there may be other names you do not know yet.
- Wizard Classic: How Arnie describes Usidore.
- Wizards Live Longer: Usidore is hundreds, if not thousands of years old.
Hogsface
Mundle the Grundle
- The Ghost: Despite being present at every recording, Mundle is mute and is there simply to provide the show's theme.
- The Speechless: Is entirely mute, only producing sound when playing the intro/outro music and occasionally playing his vibraslap as a response to someone addressing him.
- Too Many Mouths: Apparently has multiple mouths, which he uses to play multiple instruments at once.
- Vertebrate with Extra Limbs: As established in Season 2, Episode 6, Mundle plays all the instruments in the intro/outro theme with his many arms.
Otok Barleyfoot
Activia Barleyfoot
Flower
A surprisingly rude talking flower.
- Make a Wish: After being thrown off a cliff by Arnie, she survived, but couldn’t move due to her lack of legs. Taking the advice from a book she read, she screamed aloud about how much she wants to have legs until she successfully grew them.
- Foul Flower: Downplayed. She’s not evil, but she does have more of an attitude than you’d expect from a tiny flower, and is prone to cursing and insults.
- Plant Person: She’s a sentient, talking flower.
Larry Birdman
Krom the Barbarian
Pimbly Nimblebottom
An imp who, like all other imps, is able to poop out coins and gemstones.
Bungaree Chubbins
Arnor The Warrior
Inta and Nerf
Metamore
Gianessa Relkorus
- The Infiltration: After the Dark Lord conquered Hogsface, she reassumed her “Gregor” persona and became a guard in order to covertly help the heroes.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: Somehow managed to pass as a man for years, despite her strategy for acting like a man mostly consisting of saying “I am a man” and “I have a penis”.
- Sweet Polly Oliver: Disguised herself as a man for years in order to get the respect of her male coworkers. Later reassumed this disguise to conceal her identity while working as a guard for the Dark Lord.
Jak Vorpal
The Singing Sword
Claudia
Pizza Skull
- Played by: Matt Young
- Big Eater: Loves pizza, and can devour a massive amount in one sitting.
- Escaped from Hell: Escaped from Pizza Hell and returned to Earth by completing seven great pizza-related challenges.
- Flying Face: Is a giant floating skull with no body.
- Food-Based Superpowers: Has pizza-themed powers, allowing him to instantly create pizza or turn things into pizza.
- Power-Up Food: His powers are fueled by eating pizza.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Pizza. It’s practically his entire personality.
Tannakin the Pinglet
Daphne
Drew
Twosidore
The Northeast Kingdom
Tomblain Belaroth
- Played by: Steve Waltien
The prince of the Northeast Kingdom and presumptive heir to the throne. Tomblain has fled his responsibility to pursue his dreams of becoming an actor. Tomblain is one of the most frequent guests on the show and acted as a co-host during some parts of Season 3.
- King Incognito: Calls himself “Tom the Traveler” and acts as a commoner while performing in his acting troupe.
Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth
- Played by: Megan O'Neill
The princess of the Northeast Kingdom and second in line to the throne. Trachea is on a quest to find her missing brother so that she may eliminate him and seize the throne for herself.
Albain Belaroth
The King of the Northeast Kingdom, his reign has been long and prosperous, and his rule has helped keep the forces of the Dark Lord at bay.
Titania Belaroth
The Queen of the Northeast Kingdom, known for her beauty so great that angels wept when she was born.
Benedict Whisperbrew
- Played by: Brendan Dowling
The adjunct eunuch and Chancellor of Secrets in the court of Titania Belaroth.
The Forces of Evil
General
The Dark Lord
Blemish
The Soul Walker
Baron Ragoon
- Affably Evil: Displays kindness and respect, despite his affiliation with the Dark Lord.
Squibble
Dripfang Le Desparé
Tannakin the Terrible
A version of Tannakin the pinglet from the mirror universe. Resembles Tannakin, but covered in tattoos.
Carfoon Blemish
Wizards
General
- Bizarre Alien Biology: All wizards have two buttholes.
- Born as an Adult: Wizards come into being as fully grown adults.
- Color-Coded Wizardry: Each wizard is known by a specific color (Usidore the Blue, Spintax the Green, etc.).
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: All wizards introduced thus far have a very long list of names and titles, including various secret names they do not reveal.
- Wizards Live Longer: Wizards are nonhuman and practically immortal. Most wizard characters are hundreds if not thousands of years old. Can is an exaggerated example, having lived until the end of time more than once.
Spintax the Green
- Played by: Charlie McCrackin
- Loved by All: With the exception of Usidore, everyone admires Spintax greatly.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Spintax the Green, Master of the Third, Ninth, and Twelfth Realms of Ephysiyies, Wielder of Arcane Forces Compelling the Living and the Dead, Diviner of Unknowable Truths, Caster of Illusions, Destroyer of Lies, Dissolver of the Wall of Fire, Imbiber of the Nine Deadly Poisons, Author of the Pandenomicon, and Winner of the Wizard's Choice Award. The Dwarfs know him as Nickelback Silverchair, the Angels know him as Mama Cassai'el, the Vampires know him as Cameron Orlando, in the South he is known as Lodestone Greatcraft, and there are other secret names you won’t hear from his lips.
Can The Yellow
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Reincarnation: He lives until the end of time, then reincarnates and does it all again. He’s done this more than once, and multiple versions of him exist at once.
- Temporal Duplication: Once Can reaches the Natural End of Time, he reincarnates in a new version of the timeline with his memories intact. His previous incarnations remain in the new timeline, and eventually, there will be an overabundance of Cans in one timeline.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Caneficent Dewspring, Master of Space and Time, Headmaster of the Jizzlenob Preparatory School for Young Wizards. The Elves did know him as Cannigan the Everliving, the Elves do know him as Candle Dewspice, the Elves will know him as Candy Crowley; the Dwarfs did know him as Canned Heat, the Dwarfs do know him as Canticle Lebowitz, and the Dwarfs will know him as Canban Scrummaster, and so on, and so forth.
Jamillious the Mauve
A wizard with power over feast and famine, whose abilities allow him to create great sensory delights or remove the senses of others. The first (racially) black wizard, he was created to fight the stigma against the color black caused by the Dark Lord being a black (color-wise) wizard.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Jamillious Washington, Bringer of Feast and Famine, Master of the Great Plantation, Shatterer of the Triangle Trade Winds. The Dwarfs know him as Dat Dude, the Elves know him as Always Holdin', and he’s also known in the Far South as Boy.
Blorth the Brown
A wizard with power over sense and sensibility.
Jyn'Leeviyah the Red
- Played by: Felicia Day
- Fantastic Medicinal Bodily Product: Jyn'Leeviyah can consume certain ingredients and defecate magical “poo-tions” from her second butthole.
- Intimate Healing: She has the power to heal and empower any being by having sex with them.
- Sex Magic: Her main ability is healing others through fornication.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Jyn'Leeviyah, Wizard of the Sixth Realm of Ephysiyies, Mistress of Nature and Nurture, Reviver of the Springs of Gu’uthmagit, Seer of the Prophecies of the Temziet Mists, Keeper of the Sacred Tome of Deyfral, and two-time Wizard's Choice Award nominee. The Elves know her as Perimmäin So’it’thuri, the Vampires know her as Beyonce Bloodlust, the Tree Folk know her as Opal Vinewitch, and upon the isle of Migas, she is known as Ukkosta Kassvista. And ask her of her other names, and she shall gladly share all.
Telephys the White
A wizard with power over life and death.
Other Dimensions
Carnival Wilson
Wendigo Wilson
Usidore the Black
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Usidore, Emissary of the Dark Lord of Foon, Fallen Wizard of the Realms of Ephysiyies, Sorcerer Bound of the Gylothian Clan, Sourge of the Battle of the Thirteen Armies, Immolator of the Wall of Fire, Disembowler of the Great Dragon Krazevesky, Defacer of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The fairfolk know him as Fairfy Usolo, the orcs know him as Toomsas Naysayja, and someday he will have names capable of tearing the world asunder.
Cowboy World Arnie
Champ
- Talking Animal: Champ is a talking horse.
Ulysses D. L’Amour
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Ulysses D. L’Amour, wildest, gunslingin’ outlaw you ever met. Wanted in twelve counties… Yet known for his bravery and noble heart by those that ain’t tryin’ what to manipulate him. The Native folk know him as Dances with Light and Shadows. The Spanish know him as Maestro del Caos. And he’s known by those dal’garn Pinkertons in the Nor’east as Magic Jack Starr!
Kid-Friendly World Arnie
Dewey
Kid-Friendly World Usidore
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Subverted. His full name is Usidore the Blue Wizard.
Future World Arnie
Chant
Dr. Ulrich Zadore
The Space Bunker
Mysterious Man
A mysterious man who lives in a "space bunker" and monitors the podcast. He constantly assures the audience that the podcast isn't real.
- Barrier Maiden: He works to prevent universe-ending cataclysmic events.
- Bizarre Alien Biology: We don't have a clear description of what he looks like, but we do know he has an exoskeleton, thirteen fingers, and an iron ring fused to his hip.
- Deadpan Snarker: He loves to tear into the actors. And the audience. And sometimes the sponsors.
- Eternal Recurrence: A Tricia clone comes to work for him, gets fed up with him, steals an escape pod and attacks him. This process repeats endlessly, though it's speeding up each time.
- His Name Really Is "Barkeep": Apparently, his actual name is Admiral Mysterious.
- Mean Boss: Abuses his interns to the point where they try to kill him, every time.
- No Name Given: The credits just list him as "Mysterious Man".
Tricia
- Expendable Clone: She is revealed to be one of these.
Craig
A confused intern who lives and works in the space bunker with the Mysterious Man, and would really like to get back to his home on Earth. Unbeknownst to him, he is not an Earth human, but a humanoid robot designed to befriend the Mysterious Man.
Kern
PV- 348
The High Time Queen
