Funny: Parks and Recreation
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Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.
- Leslie being so desperate to get people out to her town meeting that she manages to galvanize them against her harmless park project.
- Meanwhile, Mark, April, and Tom do find someone who's interested:
Mark: April, please stand behind me.
Town manager: My god, she's filibustering her own meeting.
- The meeting itself, where every time it looks like things can't get worse, they do, up to and including Leslie's last resort.
- "The Reporter"
- Leslie praises the Pawnee Journal as a bastion of journalistic excellence, and holds up a copy with the main headline "Spring Arrives!" with the sub-headlines "Most residents welcome the new season" and "Vernal equinox will occur at 11:43 AM today, according to scientists". And the second article on the front page is evidently about a stray pet iguana somebody found wandering around.
- "Boys' Club"
Ron: One guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe... when he desires them.
- Ron's libertarian idea of the perfect government:
- "Rock Show"
- The funniest material to come out of Andy's leg injuries: his household-object rock songs.
- "Pawnee Zoo"
Leslie: So what's up?
- Ron beginning to address everyone by saying, "Okay, here's the situation...", only to have Leslie cut him off with an impromptu rendition of "Parents Just Don't Understand".
Ron: Uh, someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away.
Leslie: Oh my god!
- The two penguins Leslie "marries" immediately start having gay sex... since it turns out they're both male. Cue baffled expressions of innocent children and old ladies who were not expecting to see such lewdness at such an innocuous event.
- "The Stakeout"
- Ron dealing with his hernia, which he can easily manage so long as he stays still. This includes trying to eat his lunch by throwing an entire hamburger into his mouth.
- "Beauty Pageant"
April: Women should do everything! Check out my four-color pen! Hey everybody, listen up while I talk about some really really important stuff! Parks-parks-parks-parks-parks-Michelle-Obama-parks-gay-penguins-parks-sugar-parks!
- April's impression of Leslie
- "Practice Date"
Ann: "What's your niece's name?"
- Leslie trying to do a British accent. It's a lovely little bit of cringe comedy.
- Leslie's list of awful first dates... and her reaction when Ann subjects her to another one.
Leslie: "Torpel. What? I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece. My niece's name is Stephanie."
- "TALIBAN ROBES!" The way Ron yells it is hilarious.
- "Greg Pikitis"
Andy: "My name is Burt Macklin. I'm with the f*** F.B.I."
- Andy trying to intimidate the titular character in an interrogation. After dramatically smashing his coffee cup into a wall, he says this in an attempted scary tone:
- "Ron and Tammy"
- "MY NAME IS ANDY DWYER AND I'D BE A PERFECT CONTESTANT FOR DEAL OR NO DEAL!" *Rips a fish apart*
- "The Camel"
Tom: Damn! How come the sewage department gets all the hot interns?
- Andy's reaction to Ron... enjoying his shoeshine.
- April's incredibly freaky idea for the town mural, and Leslie simply asking, "Why?"
- "The Set Up"
Chris: "I'm from Wisconsin, go Badgers."
- Leslie's date's hilarious (and on-the-nose) Wisconsin pride:
Leslie: "Boo! Go Hoosiers!"
Chris: "NO. Badgers."
DJ Roomba: "I'm going to haunt you, Jerry, and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!"
- Everything about DJ Roomba, the floor cleaner robot Tom strapped an iPod dock to. Especially the ghost of DJ Roomba haunting Jerry.
Pawnee Resident: "What's wrong with corn syrup? It's natural! Corn is a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush!"
- As usual, whenever Pawnee's residents show up at a public forum with their unique perceptions of reality.
Ann: "Oh boy."
Leslie: Hi, Marcie.
- Leslie and Ann try to get some DVDs from the library, but the librarians, as usual, refuse to make things easy for them.
Librarian: Hi, Leslie. Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh, I guess not. It's a movie.
Leslie: You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the internet.
Librarian: Let's see... (scans DVD) Hmm, you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called "MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM"!
Leslie: No, I don't!
Librarian: YES, YOU DO!
Leslie: ...Ann, grab the movie.
(Ann does so. Leslie throws a book at the librarian, shoves a stack of them over, and makes a break for it.)
Leslie: Go, go, GO, GO!
(She and Ann run out the door. The alarm starts beeping as Leslie shoves a cart full of books over and runs away.)
Leslie: PUNK-ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!
- "Tom's Divorce"
- The very ending, where Leslie hires a man in a silly horse costume to sing an apology song to Ron and give him a balloon. Ron stabs and pops the balloon.
Ron: "What the fuck are you doing, Perd Hapley?"
- Perd Hapley attempting the worm.
- What's in Nutri-Yum bars that makes Leslie feel so good?
- Leslie killing time during the telethon while Schrempf is still at the Snake Hole.
- "The Master Plan"
Ron: What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?
- Ron immediately takes a likening to Ben because he wants to cut the budget.
Andy: That Ralph-Machio guy is a total douche.
- All the scenes with Ann and Leslie drunk.
- Andy's hatred of Jean-Ralphio.
Leslie: I'm sorry, I just heard a lot of really loud circus music, what did you say?
- Ron's wicked smile when he hears that the government is going to be shut down.
Leslie: So what's up?
- Ron beginning to address everyone by saying, "Okay, here's the situation...", only to have Leslie cut him off and take the cue to sing "Parents Just Don't Understand".
Ron: Uh, someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away.
Leslie: Oh my god!
- "Hunting Trip"
Leslie: I got that tunnel vision that girls get. I let my emotions get the best of me. I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my... lady parts. I was walking and it felt icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember! I'm wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! I'm just going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete, I wanna just shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis! What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain; I'm bad at math, and... I'm stupid.
- Leslie's rapid-fire list of excuses for why she (actually Tom) accidentally shot Ron.
- Donna realizing the window on her Mercedes has been smashed and completely losing it to the point that Ann assumes she's having a heart attack.
- "The Possum"
Leslie: Possum! There was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.
- Leslie's attempt to lay out a battle plan to capture the possum is interrupted by Andy, who just runs at it screaming before tackling it.
- Leslie's confession to Ann.
Leslie: And it went into your laundry and your kitchen and it touched all your bras. And I'm so sorry, it's our fault we captured it and it got out and it ran around and it was a possum, okay? April, run, April. Sorry, Ann. I love you!
- "Park Safety"
Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What'd you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
- Leslie imagines what Tom would say if he learned about the actual cause of Jerry's injury, which Jerry had attributed to a mugging. The cruel but hilarious line is funny in itself, but Leslie's spot-on impersonation of Tom's mannerisms really sells it.
- When Jerry returns to work, he has to give a presentation about hunting licenses. Leslie tells everyone that they are not allowed to laugh at Jerry no matter what. His coworkers desperately try not to make fun of him in the face of numerous blunders, each one more embarrassing until, while he's awkwardly trying to find his glasses, he bends over and tears a hole in the seat of his pants, letting out a huge fart. The looks on everyone's faces, especially at the end, are priceless.
- "Summer Catalog"
Leslie: In the neck!
- The ending, where Ron and Leslie are chucking darts at a picture of the jerkass former directors of the Parks department. Particularly Leslie's hilariously sadistic bit of glee when she nails the meanest former director.
- "Freddie Spaghetti"
- Chris nonchalantly walking into Ann's house, finding Lucy and Tom having sex, nonchalantly asking them how they're doing, and then walking back out when they yell for him to leave.
- "Go Big or Go Home"
Ron: Under my tutelage, you'll grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators and from gladiators into Swansons. Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
Leslie: Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does?
- Leslie makes an unusual request of Ann.
Leslie: Minus the money?
Ann: Definitely yes then.
- "Flu Season"
Andy: Listen, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here [browser address bar] and it says you could have "network connectivity problems".
- According to one of the writers, the funniest line ever spoken in the show is an ad-lib by Chris Pratt.
"He is like, the perfect human man. I can't find one flaw. One time, I thought he farted...but it was me."
- Leslie's increasingly bizarre fever delusions.
- This quote from Ann about Chris:
Chris: [looking into a mirror] "Stop... pooping..."
- Chris obsessing over his sickness.
Chris: "Oh my God. The microchip has been compromised."
Chris: "This floor is my friend!"
- "Ron & Tammy: Part Two"
- Ron's mustache rubbing off from... "friction". The reactions of Ben and Leslie seal the deal.
- Much of the episode qualifies, but a sneaky one. Jerry is the only one that seems to have completely missed that Ron and Tammy are bad together, including bring a wedding gift to the intervention. When Tammy shows up at the intervention and proceeds to make out with a now shirtless Ron, everyone leaves the room. Except Jerry, who never got up.
- Ron finally coming to his senses and breaking up with Tammy when she starts beating up Tom. Ron equates hurting Tom with hurting a defenseless child, and picks Tom up in a Bridal Carry and out of the library.
- "Media Blitz"
Ben: "Come on! Who hasn't had gay thoughts?"
- Ron typing every word he knows on the really loud typewriter.
- Ben's freak-out on "Ya Heard? With Perd".
Ben: "More like Turd Crapley."
- And later, his peevish mocking of Perd's name.
Officer: "Sir, are you trying to lure this girl into your van?"
- Natalie getting Andy detained by the school security guard.
Andy: "Yeah, and she's being really difficult about it."
- Andy shouldn't even be driving. His license is "crazy" expired.
Leslie: "We need him. If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy."
- After Ben freaks out in the interview with Crazy Ira and The Douche:
Tom: "Well, we should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, 'cause that would be way more charming."
- "Ben Wyatt: Human Disaster"
- "Time Capsule"
Leslie: "Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp."
- What are Andy's good qualities? He's nice, and he's in a band! That's it.
- Coupled with the look on Chris' face.
- And the best part? It's enough.
- Leslie listing off all of Pawnee's slogans.
Leslie: "Please remember, this is a government project. So, we need to refrain from corporate promotion and religious items. Who'd like to start?"
- This exchange:
Man: "I think we should put in the Bible."
Ben: "Whoa, what's going on?"
- Ben's reaction to walking in to see Ron brandishing a hacksaw.
Leslie: Some guy handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office because we wouldn't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule.
Ben: Dammit, again?
- What are Andy's good qualities? He's nice, and he's in a band! That's it.
- "Harvest Festival"
Leslie: This is a map of all the atrocities the Pawneeans have inflicted upon the Wamapoke Indians. (beat) The atrocities are in blue.
- This classic Leslie line.
- Everyone's reaction to Li'l Sebastian. Especially Ron's glee.
Ken Hotate: [speaking Wamapoke language] I am not saying anything. Nobody can understand me anyway. Doobee. Doobee. Doo.
- Ron says that in order to find the missing Li'l Sebastian the team needs a higher view point. Andy takes a long look at the ferris wheel and then suggests that he climb it.
- Ron demanding everyone apologize. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome (for calling out everyone's pettiness) and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming (because he knows that it's mostly not Jerry's fault and showing how much he cares about the April/Andy relationship).
- The animated reenactment of the curse.
- The curse removal ceremony.
Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!
- Hotate "blesses" Ben by saying "Hey, dummy!" in Wamapoke and chucking dirt in his face.
- Andy's weird method of showing affection for April.
Ben: Yeah, she died, like, twenty minutes after that.
- The calm, relaxing scene where Ben and Jerry listen to the old lady playing the piano at the inn. Cue instant cut to this head interview.
- When Ben and Tom go into their room, Ben finds a book with statements from previous visitors. One of them is "My wife and I spent three nights of ecstasy in this room." Tom and Ben are appropriately horrified.
- "April and Andy's Fancy Party"
Ron: So, not only does this thing exist but you have also deprived everyone of cake!
- April and Andy ask their guests to bring something to their dinner party. Chris is asked to bring a cake. Instead he brings a vegetable loaf because "it's healthier". A disgusted Ron says:
Ben: "No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?"
- The cold open, where at a meeting Ron pretends to yank out his own tooth (which a dentist had removed the day before) causing everyone to freak out, some to leave the room and Tom to faint.
- Special notice must be given to Ben, who does not even give a facial expression. He simply bolts from the room before Ron is even done pulling.
- Chris scaring Orin. Chris repels emos, apparently.
- Orin scaring Ben:
Animal control: Okay, so that one is dead. We know that.
- The animal control department releasing the pigeons at the end of the ceremony.
Tom: "Zerts" are what I call desserts. "Tray-trays" are entrees. I call sandwiches "sammies", "sandoozles" or "Adam Sandlers". Air conditioners are "cool blasterz" with a "z". I don't know where that came from. I call cakes "big ol' cookies". I call noodles "long-ass rice". Fried chicken is "fry fry chicky chick". Chicken parm is "chickey chickey parm parm". Chicken cacciatore: "chickey catch". I call eggs "pre-birds" or "future birds". Root beer is "super water". Tortillas are "bean blankies". And I call forks "food rakes".
- Tom explaining his food lexicon.
- "Jerry's Painting"
Ben: Were you frying marbles?
- Ben sneaking back to check out Jerry's painting with Leslie nude in the chestal region. Twice.
- This line, from Ben's tour of April and Andy's house:
Ben: (to April and Andy) You can do this. I have complete faith in you.
- The painting itself. Topless Leslie is one thing, but cherub Tom...
(cut to Ben talking to the camera crew some time later)
Ben: There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.
- He's talking about April and Andy going shopping for home and bath supplies.
Andy: Garbage fight!
- Andy throughout the entire episode.
- "The Fight"
Ben: Thank you. We will let you know. [job candidate leaves] And then our heads will explode and we will all die.
- April and Andy role-playing.
- All of the drunk talking head scenes. All of them.
- Special mention to a drunk Ron dancing. Words cannot do it justice, so here it is in its infinite glory.
- When Ben and Leslie are giving interviews while hungover.
- "The Bubble"
- Ron (in the new circular desk Chris made him use) slowly and silently swivelling around and away from the citizen complaining about how she got sick from using sprinkler water for tea.
- More of a sight gag when Ben impresses Leslie's ball-busting mom and both Knope women look at him while doing a choreographed head tilt of interest.
- April deciding that the fourth floor is amazing after someone randomly walks in and smashes the coffee pot for an ill-defined reason.
- "Li'l Sebastian"
Leslie: And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss!
- The phone message Ben accidentally sent to Ron of himself and Leslie role-playing while having sex.
Ben: Whoa! Eleanor likes the tongue!
- And before that, Leslie's ranting attempt at a denying to Ron her relationship with Ben. Just as she's topping off her ramble with a shrieked, "Who do I call?", Ben swoops into the room all smiley.
Ben: [finally realizing Ron is in the room with them] Hey, Ron. Listen...
Ron: Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben? [pause]
- Just before that scene.
Leslie: [stuttering] What?
Ron: How long have you been sleeping with Ben?
Leslie: That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get... Why would I... I've never had sex with anyone, anywhere... It's none of your... You have... The nerve, the audacity... Ben is my boss technically and he is... Terrible, face-wise. And how... How... Do I know frankly that you are not sleeping with him? Maybe you are, maybe you are trying to throw me off. Hmm, check and mate! This is an outrage! Who do I call?
- Ron's facial expression during that monologue is the icing on the cake.
- Tom's absurd monologue (coupled with his inept "serious" British accent) during Lil Sebastian's memorial video.
- "Road Trip"
- Chris rocking the air banjo.
- "Pawnee Rangers"
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend the day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
- Donna and Tom explaining "Treat Yo Self" day.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Donna: Fine leather goods.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Donna: It's the best day of the year.
- Ben walking out in a Batman costume and Tom and Donna's reactions.
- And then, Ben crying while wearing the Batman costume.
- "I'm Leslie Knope"
Doctor: That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. Forgot to look. I was distracted... by the largest penis I have ever seen.
- The doctor's reaction to Jerry's penis after checking him for mumps. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Jerry.
Chris: "Oh my god. Your inbox is... literally filled with penises."
- The incredulous expression Andy makes when he realizes that the penis photos were sent on purpose.
- When Tammy 1 shows up, Ron tries to make a hasty escape. He fishes an emergency backpack out of an air duct and then runs off, telling Leslie that he keeps a small quantity of ground chuck in his desk, and that she should check on it, as it will start to smell after a few days.
- The sheer Chris-ness of this line.
Leslie: [Ann's phone inbox beeps] "Don't you need to get that?"
- And a moment later...
Ann: "Don't worry, it's just penises."
- "Ron and Tammys"
Leslie: "To defeat Godzilla, we need Mothra."
- Leslie's rationale for recruiting Ron's mother to get rid of Tammy 1.
Leslie: "Ron, your mustache fell off!"
- Tammy 1 and Tamara get into a drinking contest with the Swanson family's homemade moonshine. Leslie tries to join in, and is floored within a few shots. April can't even get the first shot down, resulting in a massive Spit Take. Ron, learning his mama will take him home if she wins, decides to chug the rest of the jug, the equivalent of three handles of regular liquor.
- "Everybody pants now, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants."
- "Ron, your family's weird."
- Leslie getting blitzed and wrecking her office.
- Leslie, Andy, and April's reaction to finding out Ron's first wife Tammy 1 was a candy striper who helped deliver him.
- Special note goes to Andy's: while Leslie and April are, naturally, horrified, Andy just seems impressed and excited.
- After just one week back with Tammy 1, Ron coming to work a "neutered wimp" sans his mustache much to the dismay of Leslie and the rest of the department.
Ben: "I think they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence!"
- Ben trying to make sense of all the furniture and the purpose of the secretaries in Tom's company.
- Ben's assessment of Entertainment 7 Twenty's financial situation:
- "The Trial of Leslie Knope"
Ron: So it learns information about me? Seems like an invasion of my privacy.
- The ever-expanding pile of herbal remedies Chris is forcing himself to take to stay chipper during the trial.
- All of the evidence entered during the trial.
- Leslie's email message to Ann announcing her relationship with Ben.
- Tammy 2 dramatically beginning to reveal falsified photographs, only to backtrack mid-sentence and flee the room when Chris explains the consequences of perjury.
- April explains to Ron what a "cookie" is, prompting this.
April: Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address. [Ron types something into the computer, stares at it, and throws his computer in the dumpster]
- "Born and Raised"
Leslie: God, not the "Gotcha" Dancers!
- Joan Callamezzo's horrible journalism.
- Ben's reaction to Joan's blatant innuendo.
- "End of the World"
"Well, this morning at dawn, you will take on a new form: that of a fleshless, chattering skeleton, when Zorp the Surveyor arrives with his volcano mouth."
- "God, I am so annoyed he would hypothetically do that!"
- "Oh, just because I can't go out with him means someone else can?"
- The Reasonableist's idea of what the end of the world will be like.
- "God, I am so annoyed he would hypothetically do that!"
- "The Treaty"
Leslie: [to Ben, angry] The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!Andy: How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.Leslie: "Yeah! We got the freakin' Moon! What're you gonna do without tides, Peru?"
Ann: (sarcastically) Wow, a four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.Chris: The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann. I am going to launch a full-scale investigation. And I sincerely thank you for that suggestion.Ann: Glad I could help in these trying times.Chris: Sarcasm again! You're a delight.
- After Chris tells Ann that he's worried that his relationship with Millicent Gergich might not be going well:
Andy: Honey, I just traded Finland's military for 50 lions! Isn't that pretty good?April: Yeah...but also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries.Andy: So are lions. And you don't have to pay them!
- Andy trades Finland's military for 50 lions from Kenya.
- "The Comeback Kid"
Chris: Did you pause it?
- Leslie and her new campaign team trying to slowly walk across an ice rink from a red carpet to a tiny stage for her first campaign rally. All while the PA system is repeatedly playing the same five-second extract of "Get on Your Feet" by Gloria Estafan.
- Ben excitedly showing Chris the claymation video he's been spending his downtime obsessively working on, only for it to stop playing less than two seconds in.
Ben: "No, I... [he replays the video, it still stops two seconds in] ...that's the whole thing... [buries face in hands] That was three weeks of work..."
- "Citizen Knope"
Ben: ."..I can hear you breathing. Yes you can finish her pasta." [April and Andy burst in and begin devouring Leslie's leftovers]
- Leslie's gifts for everyone in the office, including a painting of April and Andy dressed up liked sci-fi action heroes slaughtering the Black Eyed Peas, dual remote-controlled door closers for Ron's office, and socks for Jerry.
- While Andy and April are having dinner at his house, Ben figures out something for Leslie to do to satisfy her workaholic tendencies. She naturally runs off, leaving Ben alone.
Andy: "Oh, god, I'm so hungry... Hey, this pasta tastes like Fruit Loops!"
Ann: Okay, those are poisonous, so nobody eat them.
- Donna wanted to use silver M&Ms for the gingerbread office, but they don't make them in silver, so she spraypainted them.
Andy: [silver paint dust on his mouth] Yeah, duh!
Ann: ...go throw up.
Andy: I didn't eat any!
Ann and April: Go throw up!
Jean Ralphio: Makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?
- The entirety of Jean Ralphio's employment at the accounting firm (which lasted about thirty seconds), not to mention his reaction upon getting fired.
- "The Campaign Ad"
Leslie: Barack Obama said "Yes we can" and now he's President. Ben Wyatt said "No we can't" and now he works for his girlfriend.
- Leslie's campaign ad, specifically the incredibly Long List of things she supports.
- Leslie claims to Ben that Ann was freaking out at his suggestion to run a negative ad. Ironic Echo Cut to a spaced out Ann marveling at a marker, commenting, "Oh my god, this magic marker smells like cherries!"
- Leslie's rationale for why positive campaigns are always better.
April: We made like a hundred million doctor's appointments for ourselves in one week. After this, we won't have to go to the doctor for ten years. Because we're smart. [behind her, Andy knocks himself unconscious bouncing a ball off the wall]
- When Ben goes to give his DVD of a negative ad to be screened, Leslie (preferring to air a positive ad) appears out of nowhere and does a Dynamic Entry and tackles him, shouting out, "Leslie Knope does not approve this message!" The two of them then wrestle on the floor.
- Andy sneezing and hitting his head on the wall while hanging up his first gold record.
- Andy giving Doctor Harris an absurdly long list of minor ailments and random things he thinks might be problems (i.e. eating a Twix with the wrapper and the wrapper never coming back out) and ending it with "Oh, and I broke my thumb on the way over here."
- April and Andy going to all the doctors.
Andy: "This one guy looked at my wiener... Actually touched it."April: "That guy wasn't a doctor."
- This exchange between April and Andy after going to the doctors:
Leslie: "Traitors! Ann, I painted your garage pink!"Ann: "I did not ask you to do that."
- Andy trying to avoid paying for his medical treatment by running away and then [[Main/Irony injuring himself by running into an ambulance]]
- Ben's ridiculously cheesy deep voice-over for the ad. With Tom and Jerry helping out on it, saying Bobby Newport's name in the most baritone voices they can muster.
- After screening a successful ad, based on the ones Leslie made when she was a little kid, her opponent arrives and ask who the little girl in the video was because he wants to use her for his own ad. The scene also reveals that he has no clue about how videos work.
- When she learns that everyone prefers Ben's ad:
- "Operation Ann"
Tom: "Quick question about Ann: Does anyone know if she has any Indian in her?"
- This exchange.
Leslie: "No one respond. No one say anything."
Tom: "Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her."
Jerry: "I don't think she does."
Tom: "'Cause does she want some?" (groans from everyone else in the room and at least one "Jerry!")
Tom: "This sounds like the music from the end of a movie about a monk who kills himself!"Chris: "It is."
- Jerry botches the assignment of finding a date for Ann and accidentally brings a male escort for himself.
- Chris is very depressed because Jerry's daughter, Millicent, broke up with him. At one point, he concludes that he should love Jerry, since he shares 50% of her DNA, and then starts staring at him in a creepily intent way.
- Tom talking about the depressing music Chris is playing.
- Ron's increasing giddiness at the scavenger hunt Leslie prepared for Ben.
- Andy getting ready to crack open a display case with a crowbar to retrieve a clue for said scavenger hunt, then discovering he can get to it from the back. And then accidentally shattering the display case anyway.
- The clerk at the snow globe museum. He's introduced by turning customer's globe over and commenting "I don't know; it's working now."
- "Meet and Greet"
Employee: "Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?"
- At their Halloween party, Ron notices that April and Andy's house needs a lot of minor DIY jobs, so he heads to Lowe's wearing his pirate costume to buy supplies. Pushing his trolley through the store, he's approached by a store worker.
Ron: [stopping, and looking straight at the staff member] "I know more than you." [carries on through the store]
- Ben chasing Orin away from his room as if he were a disobedient dog.
- "Dave Returns"
Andy: It's like "We Are The World," except it can actually make a real impact on society.
- Andy's description of the song he's writing for Leslie's campaign:
- "I dig your groovy tunes, man!"
- Chris's completely mangled version of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."
- "Sweet Sixteen"
- The reveal that Jerry was naturally born on a leap-year, and so has only had sixteen true birthdays in his life.
- Leslie is so frazzled by the combination of her campaign and her job that she forgets to invite Jerry to his own surprise party.
- Exasperated by Tom and Ann's antics, April hilariously◊ turns to drink.
- Jerry in the bath tub.
- To prove that Leslie is overextending herself, Ron brings up that she's worn the same sweater four days in a row. Leslie tries to claim she has multiple copies of the same sweater, but Ron brings up that she's had a lollipop stuck to it for several days. Leslie then claims that it is a new fashion called "lollipopping" and that "all the kids are doin' it".
- Andy thinking that Champion's leg grew back after Chris said that Champion was healthier than ever.
- Tom apparently owns more Uggs than Ann does.
- While Andy explains to Chris that Champion won't go anywhere if he lets him off the leash, Champion runs away.
- Leslie falls asleep on Jerry's shoulder, forcing Jerry to sit in the same place all night.
- "Live Ammo"
- "Get back here and get your fucking cats out of there!"
- "These animals should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people."
- Andy pulling the ship out of one of Councilman Pillner's bottles.
- "The Debate"
Andy: The guy has Swayze's head [grabs the neck of man in the audience] and says, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!" By the looks of this guy, this is not consensual sex we're talking about!
- The cable is out and the donors to Leslie's campaign can't watch her televised debate, so Andy tries to keep them entertained by recreating scenes from his favorite movies, including Road House.
- The best part is that some of the audience, especially Donna, actually get into it.
Ben: You've got this. You could debate Newport in your sleep.
- While preparing for the titular debate against Bobby Newport:
Leslie: I have!
Ben: I know. We sleep in the same bed. It's been Hell.
- "Bus Tour"
Chris: This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor—Lots of disappointment. But, if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.
- Chris's comment on the crushing disappointment that has been his love life for the past year:
- And he says all of this with a large smile on his face.
Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as "Eagle One". Ann, code name: "Been There, Done That". April is: "Currently Doing That". Donna is: "It Happened Once in a Dream". Chris, code name: "If I Had To Pick a Dude". Ben is: "Eagle Two."
- Leslie's speech has been so planned out that it runs the exact same length every time, and that Ben knows the exact point when the audience will laugh, and when there will be a 2 second awkward silence (after her really bad Rodney Dangerfield impressions).
- Andy slowly and methodically pieing Jerry in the face as part of his Warren Commission-style investigation of a mysterious pie thrower at one of Leslie's speeches.
- Andy's security code names for the Knope campaign team.
Ben: Oh, thank god.
- Leslie's codename (I'd Be Lying If I Said I Hadn't Thought About It) is mentioned later in the episode.
- The best part is that Chris looks pleasantly flattered by his code name.
- And Donna's "yeah, that doesn't surprise me" look.
Reporter: Can you comment on Nick Newport dying earlier today?
- Ron's reaction to Tom's plan to start crying to convince the van rental person to give them the vans they paid for.
- Leslie being taken completely off guard by a reporter asking for her comment on the death of Nick Newport.
Leslie: He died? I... sad.
Reporter: Is that your official statement? "I sad"?
- Then, Leslie claims that her actual official statement was, "I would say that overall, that is...a bummer. And together we can work together to build a better Pawnee!" Which cues the dancers and the song "Get On Your Feet." Whoops.
- When Leslie asks for the people she trusts the most to gather close to her, Jerry takes a few steps back.
- "Ann, there's nothing harder in the entire world than having to say no to your beautiful face. But I'm going to. No!"
Tom: Oh...It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex. And, since it's on the butt, there's other implications as well... So it's a maybe.
- When Leslie is trying on outfits for the interview.
April: That's impossible.Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.April: Cool.
- Chris is reading an "inspirational" book about a woman with no limbs who tried to swim the English Channel:
Leslie: Aw, that's so sweet—I've never had a boyfriend threaten to commit arson for me before.Donna: Ah, it gets old.
- Drunk Leslie on Buddy's show was as hilarious as it was cringe-inducing.
- Leslie and Donna's reaction to Ben sarcastically suggesting setting Buddy's studio on fire:
Ron: (cheery) April, Andrew, good morning to you both! Donuts, go nuts. (giggles)
- Ron the morning after having sex with Professor Linda.
- After Andy repeats Ron's advice about facing problems head on back to him, claiming that "a very important person" told him that, he tells Ron that he just remembered that it was actually Ron who told him that.
- "Bowling For Votes"
April: I wished for his happiness to go away. I think I might be a wizard.
- When Chris is about to get dumped by Millicent:
- "Win, Lose, or Draw"
Leslie: I've said this to you before, and I know it makes you uncomfortable—Ann: Oh, boy.Leslie: But you're thoughtful, and you're brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.
- Andy's method for unfreezing a computer is to blow on its screen and then knock it off the table.
- This compliment from Leslie to Ann:
- "I've had the same haircut since 1978, and I've driven the same car since 1991. I've used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse."
- When Leslie starts laughing hysterically after Bobby Newport wins:
Ben: Why are you laughing?Leslie: (smiling) Because my dream is dead.
- April lists one of her dream jobs as a dental hygenist who is also a medium, so that she can clean people's teeth and tell them when they are going to die.
- "Ms. Knope Goes To Washington"
Ron: I understand that this is hilarious, but that is his given Christian name.
- This exchange:
Leslie: And it was nice to see you again.Ben: ...Are you talking to my butt?Leslie: Yeah.
Ben: Can you come visit next month? We can take a proper tour of the sights.Leslie: Right now, there's only one sight I want to see right now.Ben: (sighs) All right, this is getting weird, but, uh, (turns around to show his butt to the camera) there it is.Leslie: I meant the Jefferson Memorial, you perv!Ben: (quickly turns around) Right. Sorry. I—I don't, uh, (Leslie laughs) I'm—I'm just...Wait, no, you didn't.Leslie: No, I didn't. Spin it around and back it on up.
- "Oh, look, a handgun!"
- Tom the pig having the same name as Tom Haverford.
- This exchange:
- "Soda Tax"
Leslie: How is this a "Child-size" soda?
- When Leslie and Ann confront the Sweetums/Paunch Burger PR lady about the sizes of the sodas. To elaborate: a "Little Swallow" is a puny cup, but five cents more gets you a "Small" (64-oz), a "Regular" is 128-oz,note and "Child-size" is 512-oz!
Kathryn Pinewood: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child if the child were liquefied.
- Later, when discussing low-calorie options like Water Zero, which somehow manages to be 300 calories:note
- "How a Bill Becomes a Law"
Andy: Chris, great idea!Chris: Thank you, Andy. I agree. I love this idea. And I love me for thinking of it. My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome, Chris. I sound insane. I'm gonna go talk to my therapist.
- After Chris suggests a 311 line for Pawnee:
April: Hey, are you busy? And writing Star Trek fanfiction does not count.
- Leslie's porpoise call.
- This line:
Andy: (bowing) Your Highnesses, we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.
- After two little girls demand that Ron and Andy ask their permission to work on the pothole in their kingdom:
Ben: "Data had never felt this way before. Of course, Data had never felt anything before. But Captain Picard couldn't help but note the smile that crept over his mechanical but life-like face."April: I'm gonna murder you.Ben: I understand. Just one second. "As they walked down the hall into the bridge..."
- Ben reading his Star Trek fanfiction.
April: "She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have isn't terrifying."(Looks at April, who makes a throat slitting gesture mouthing "I'm going to kill you")
- Ben's assessment of April:
- "Sex Education"
"9:18: 'Gotta pass this lady on the "ejkerjkj."' That's when I hit the fire hydrant. Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant."
- Tom's tweets leading up to his car crash:
Tom: Emoji are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, "What up, boo?", you can type "What up", and then a cute little ghost, 'cause that means "boo." There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, "Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?"
- Tom's descriptions of certain emojis:
- "I'm proud of you, but also a bit fearful that we are verging on what I call 'feelings' territory. so let's stare at the fire in silence."
- Marshall Langman's awful "Abstinence" rap.
- Perd is apparently no longer allowed inside Pier 1.
- Ben and April's imitations of the robotic Congressman.
- "Halloween Surprise"
Morris: What are you doing right now? I'm talking to you.Donna: I'm livetweeting this dumbass conversation.
- "What the hell just happened?"
- This conversation between Leslie and the real estate agent:
Real Estate Agent: So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard.Leslie: But no trampoline room, correct?Real Estate Agent: Correct. Like all the houses in the world, there's no trampoline room.Leslie: Hmm.
- And then, after Leslie decides to lease the house, she and Ann start dancing to "Party Rock."
- Leslie and Ann try to scare Tom when he's coming out of the bathroom, but they accidentally scare Jerry instead.
- "Our Pawnee Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist, and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a preexisting condition."
- The banner for the fundraiser for Jerry's hospital bills from his heart attack says, "Jerry's Kids' Dad."
- While Morris is ranting at Donna for livetweeting Death Canoe 4:
- Leslie spontaneously deciding to offer a date with Ann at the auction, much the latter's horror.
- "Ben's Parents"
Chris: It's ended. Everything ends. (sobs)
- Chris getting upset about running out of Kleenex:
Jean-Ralphio: Tommy T! You just missed the craziest of crazies! Clubs. Dancing. Girls. Naked. Mom? Argument. Police. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week cause (singing) technically I'm homeless~.
- Jean-Ralphio's description of his past night:
Leslie: "Ben and I are engaged! I want to shout it from the rooftops!"
- Leslie's excitment over her engagement:
- "Leslie vs. April"
Orin: Moo. Moo.Leslie: Shut up, weirdo. Aren't you supposed to be a sheep?Orin: No. You are.
- Leslie's Adorkably Fangirly reaction to meeting Joe Biden.
- "Just call me Bond. Municipal Bond. ...Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm."
- "Fun fact: Ben just got an amazing accounting job. Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting. Un-fun fact: My uncle just had a stroke."
- Tom is roughly the size of an average Pawnee 12-year-old.
- Ben's Aside Glance when Tom says that he didn't see Entertainment 720's demise coming.
- "I can never tell if people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work."
- Orin's "Human Farm" show.
- "Pawnee Commons"
Ben: Mr. St. James, this has been a strange day. But we wouldn't want to leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.Andy: (runs into the room) Have you guys seen Hitler?
- The sign on the Pawnee-Eagleton border facing Eagleton says, "Now entering Pawnee. Good luck with that."
- "No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason. In 1988, we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help, and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home."
- Andy has the best timing:
Joey: Thank you for saving me, Andy! (to April) Thank you, too, Miss Hitler.Joey's Mom: (her smile fades) What?!April: Don't worry about it. (Joey's mom takes Joey and leaves quickly)
- The amount of attempts it takes for Leslie to say "I'm sorry" to Wreston St. James.
- These lines after Andy finds Joey's mother:
Ben: Maybe we can salvage this.Wreston: I would really love to, but what about Leslie? I just doubt that she can ever get over the bad blood between our towns.Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person.Leslie: REVENGE! (sprays whipped cream on Wreston's head) Ha ha ha! This is for Pawnee, you butt-faced pompous jerk! Whooooo! (Ben gives an Aside Glance)
- Leslie also has excellent timing:
- "Ron and Diane"
Ann: (holding her back) "You're so weak! I'm barely doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me check your pulse..."
- When Ann is preventing Tom, Donna, Andy and April from crashing Jerry's Christmas party, April tries to force her way into the house:
- "Two Parties"
Stripper: "Can I go now?"Donna: (nonchalantly texting) "Uh uh. We paid for an hour, you're gonna dig for an hour."
- "Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?"
- Ann and Leslie pressing the Abraham Lincoln stripper into helping them dig:
Andy: "...and I'm in a cave. Training. While you're living it up with my wife..."Ron: "Anyone else want to chime in?"
- When the guys are thanking Chris for the bachelor parties, Andy gets distracted into a long, rambling fantasy involving him faking his death and Chris marrying April:
- "Women in Garbage"
Milton: Ouch. Why so ornery? (pulls out calendar) It's not the 7th yet.
- "Are you posing? I don't have a photographer with me." "Google Earth, always taking pics."
- The fact that the male city councilors actually kept a calendar of the first female city councilor's menstrual cycles.
- Leslie finds out that they still do that to this day!
Jerry: "Hey girls!"One of Diane's kids: "No."
- The commission for gender equality ends up being all men.
- When Leslie points this out to the commission, Milton says, "There's one right next to you!" and points at Chris. When he corrects himself, saying that it's just a very beautiful man, Chris looks strangely flattered.
- This line from Diane's kids:
Leslie: "April, let's go! We have some stereotypes to overcome!"April: "And some privacy to violate!"Leslie: "Yeah! (beat) Wait, no."
- "One problem with hiring women is that they're frail and breakable." "Is it possible you're talking about lightbulbs? Or your hip?"
- After learning that Diane's sitter is still out of town and that he has to babysit the girls again, Ron pours himself multiple glasses of whiskey.
- Tom's very sad attempts at playing basketball.
- This conversation:
- Ann acting about the age of Diane's kids and getting them to join her in teasing Ron for loving Diane.
- "I LOVE NOTHING!" followed by Ron storming out of the room and Jerry giggling like a child.
- "Ann's Decision"
Ron: "I have voided more than Tom's body weight this morning alone. He may have simply disappeared."
- "There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."
- "Do you think [Shauna] will still like me, now that I'm dead?"
- Ron, Chris, and Ben suffering from food poisoning.
- While suffering food poisoning, the three wonder why Tom isn't there suffering along with them.
April: (attempting a cheerful tone) "As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford, "Hillary Clinton is great!"April: "If you all would kindly look under your chairs, you will find a special surprise—a flyer with details about the project, and...friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you! So now, I guess we're park pals."
- April's attempts at imitating Leslie when hosting public forums about Pawnee Commons:
- "The calzones...betrayed me? Never again, guys. As God as my witness, they're dead to me."
- "I'm also afraid the park will be noisy. And full of spiders. And dark at nighttime. I'm scared of a lot of stuff. Everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm Walter and I'm fine."
- "Besides, what is more cuterus than your uterus?"
- "Emergency Response"
Ben: Oh God, Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today to promote the gala.Ron: I'll do it.Ben: No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV.Ron: I can speak in full sentences and I won't cry.Ben: Fair point. I did cry last time.
- "Love...love fades away. But things? Things are forever."
- "First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cuz people always say, 'But he's got a great personality.'"
- Leslie's news anchor and doctor imitations on her fake news segment for the drill.
Police officer: Scenario: You pull a car over for speeding. You find out that it's your father. How do you handle this situation?Andy: Ooh. Well, first, I'd be like, "Dad...you're alive? What the hell? (officer facepalms) Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?"
- The animal control guy is a bit too enthusiastic about killing birds...
- Andy's responses to the personality test questions:
Random caller: Hi, my Yorkshire terrier chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
- Chris cheerfully saying, "I'm dead!" with a smile on his face.
- Ron taking calls on Pawnee Today when Joan comes to work hungover:
Ron: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it in the scratches. That'll mask the scratches. The next thing you'll wanna do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a real dog because any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.Ron: Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.Ron: Your house isn't haunted, you're lonely.Ron: What happened to, "Hey I have some apples, would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country!Ron: I've seen three movies in my life: The Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie: Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny.
- Leslie's additional fake news segments in the credits.
- And the credits for that fake news segment has "Leslie Knope" credited for every single role as cast and crew.
- "Leslie and Ben"
Leslie: How did Cinderella finish her dress so fast? (pause) Squirrels and birds.Ann: That's not very helpful.
- After Leslie agrees with Ben's plan to get married that very night after the gala ends, she immediately tells him that it's bad luck for them to see each other and tells him to not look at her until the wedding.
- Ben and Chris pick out some rings at a pawnshop and they turn out to be nipple rings. That belong to the pawnshop owner.
- Leslie tries to figure out how to finish her wedding dress by thinking of certain cinematic examples:
Ron: People who buy things are suckers.
- Jerry pees himself out of excitement from learning that a Li'l Sebastian impersonator will show up at the gala.
Jerry: Third time this week!
- Leslie's reaction to the same Li'l Sebastian impersonator. (Added bonus: the lighting makes the Li'l Sebastian impersonator look like a ghost.)
- "I promised myself I wouldn't cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not...break it a sixth."
- The tag showing how Ron made homemade wedding rings out of Ann's wall lamp.
- "Correspondents' Lunch"
Leslie: Oh Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny; it's not your fault, you never had to compensate for anything. The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat!
- Leslie gathers Anne, Ron, Chris and Donna to come up with jokes for her speech. Ann pitches and fails miserably
- From "Bailout" the "Too Big To Nail" porno film starring Brandi Maxxx as Leslie and her co-star "Dong Swanson".
- "The Bailout"
Jean-Ralphio: Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me. Even though, honestly, she's ♪ ♫ the wo-o-orst. ♪ ♫ She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot.
- The WOOOOOORRRSSST! (gets close enough to Ben that he knocks him over. )
- Before that, Ben's horror as he realizes who Mona Lisa's related to.
- This exchange:
Tom: Of course. Got to keep it in the family.
Ben: Yeah, but does it have to be this family?
- "I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I am going to do."
- The WOOOOOORRRSSST! (gets close enough to Ben that he knocks him over. )
- "Animal Control" is stuffed with them:
Harrison: I'm Harrison, I have one testicle, I have my cousin's van for another two weeks, and I'm down to clown.Chris: Harrison, I literally just fired you.Harrsion: (completely surprised) Oh, is this that job?Leslie: Donna, why did you think he was the most qualified for the job?Donna: He was one of only two applicants with actual animal control experience.Leslie: Two. Wait, does that mean...Brett: My name is Brett, I like burgers and I am very high right now.
- The entire opening scene.
- Brett explaining that they tried to turn a bird into a whistle like The Flintstones.
- The cage with a Possum with the label "Possum or Cat?"
- Chris, as usual, trying to be positive about it and trying not to dismiss animal control out of hand, then getting his foot caught in a coyote trap. Seeing normally calm Chris utterly pissed is a sight to behold.
- Donna sending in who she believes is the most qualified applicant.
Leslie: "Hello, Orin; thank you for applying. Now leave."
- The creepy guy asking about the spaying tools.
- Orin's application:
April: "What makes you qualified for animal control?"Orin: "I studied zoology in college. And I can control animals with my mind."Leslie: "Get out."Orin: "I made you say that."
- Followed by his interview:
- The entire opening scene.
- Patton Oswalt's turn as Garth Blundin in "Article Two" begins with a filibuster focused on his proposal for Star Wars 7, which devolves into a Massive Multiplayer Crossover between Star Wars and the Marvel Comics universe (including The Avengers, Spider-Man, X-Men and Fantastic Four). The uncut version needs to be seen to be believed.
[After seven minutes and thirty-four seconds straight of talking] I literally have no fluid in my mouth, I gotta do a Marco Rubio, can we please cut?
Ben: "Uh...burn it and bury the ashes and hope that it doesn't haunt you."
- In the same episode, Ben and Ann are in a war to get Leslie a gift for Breakfast Day/Waffle Day. In desperation, Ann tries to make a Leslie doll out of breakfast food. When Ben offers a compromise, Ann asks what she should do with the doll:
- "Swing Vote"
Chris: Way to be, duck!
- Chris shouting encouragement to everyone he sees on the mini golf course, including a duck swimming by in the pond.
- Leslie's reaction to Ron and Diane's wedding.
- Ron's attempts to get off the grid being foiled by the fact that Tom and Donna had been doing an album of his quest on Facebook all day. Ron promptly, and justifiably freaks out... and gets recorded by Donna's phone.
Ron: The world is a nightmare!
- How does Leslie know the apples in Pawnee are pesticide-free? She found a worm in one that she ate this morning.
- Ann tries to soften the blow of announcing her intention to leave Pawnee to Leslie... by immediately distracting her with a plate of J.J. Diner's waffles.
- April appropriating the thousands of question mark stickers that Leslie printed out, saying that she's going to put them on stop signs. They then show up everywhere throughout the episode and beyond.
- "Are You Gonna Crawl My Way?" by Lenny Kravitz
- From "Second Chunce", following Leslie's anticlimactic resignation speech:
Perd Hapley: "There you have it: a shockingly un-shocking press conference in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance. I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized I'm not holding my microphone."
- Ron's reaction to getting the government employee of the month award from Leslie He leaps over his desk, snatches the plaque, then is shown cutting it to pieces with a buzzsaw, then burning the pieces in a bonfire, then driving all the way to Illinois to bury the ashes. After which he salts the earth.
- Andy protecting April from a swarm of bees by getting to her under his sweater and claiming he got stung by a bee before and therefore "immune".
"Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!"
Ben: "Now, go do work or I'm firing you. I'm not kidding."
- Jamm getting stung in the mouth. Cause he was laughing at everyone getting stung.
- Ben spends all of that episode helping Tom set up his new business proposal. Then, at the very end after Tom thanks him:
- "Ann and Chris" has probably the finest moment for recurring character Orin: the reveal that he's the one inside the Easter Bunny costume, followed by instantly snapping back into the bunny's improbably merry character when Leslie tells him to. The split-second shot we see of Orin waving and strutting around before the cutaway is gold.
- Another gem from "Ann and Chris": Larry gushes over Ann, praising her and Chris and expressing hope for their future in a very sweet little speech, and Ann thanks him with neutral, slightly impatient appreciation. Then Ron steps up and, in about ten words, expresses that it was mildly pleasant knowing Ann. Switch to Ann to show her choking up with emotion at Ron's extremely understated farewell... and then pan out to Larry, also in tears over the tender moment.
- "Moving Up"
Ron: *tearfully* They're going to make each other so miserable!
- Leslie's reaction to meeting Michelle Obama.
- The Saperstein siblings believing that a meeting at 9:00 AM is a night-time foursome (along with Tom and Craig). Mona-Lisa is not only OK with the fact that her brother is part of it, she seems upset that the meeting is not an orgy.
- Then the following exchange between Jean-Ralphio and Craig where Jean-Ralphio compliments Craig's energy and asks him to go Go-Kart Racing followed by Craig's suggestion to go horseback riding which Jean-Ralphio agrees with.
- Hologram Li'l' Sebastian
- "Damn Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?"
- In the extended cut of the episode, Diane and Ron scheme a way to get Tammy 2 and Jeremy Jamm together, and it works out perfectly.
Andy: How many bags of marshmallows do I give them?
- "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THEY'RE AWFUL AND HORRIFYING AND I LOVE THEM!"
- The Time Skip at the end has two fantastic ones.
- Jon Hamm as an employee of Leslie's she fires who apparently was somehow worse than Larry.
- Andy and April babysitting Leslie and Ben's triplets
- Andy's attempt at editing "Sex Hair" for a children's party:
Andy: YOU GOT SEX BEARS! YOU GOT EM FROM ME KIDS! SEX BEARS! BIG OLE SEX BEARS!
- Ben's reaction to Leslie filibustering in roller-skates:
Ben: (awed) "I know this is a dire situation, but I swear to God, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me..." (takes out a camera)
- Ben's reaction to Leslie's massive "conversation with Ann" chart in the opening of Galentine's Day:
Ben: (cheerfully) "Aw, babe, you've gone crazy!"
- The amazingly creepy house owner April and Andy meet. Played by Werner Herzog for added hilarity.
- "After sirty-six years of living here, I've decided to sell zis house so I could move to Orlando, and be closer to Disney Vorld."
- The entirety of "Ron and Jammy". Highlights include
- Ben being horribly uncomfortable during his and April's visit to the mortician.
- Joan Callamezzo has gone batshit insane over the time skip. The result is comedy gold.
- "She once gave every member of her audience a car. One car, that they had to fight over."
- Cut to a shot of a large brawl breaking out around a sports car.
- Joan believing she was in Gotham City during her speech, including thanking Commissioner Gordon.
- After a rather heartfelt speech on dreams we get this lovely piece of Mood Whiplash. "Now here's why I think America should have a Purge night..."
- Now that Joan's utterly lost it, April absolutely adoring her.
- The title of Joan's tell-all memoir is called Genius A'Flame: Joan Callamezzo: A Portrait in Words: Game of Joans.
- Leslie's dead-on Tammy impersonation.
- "Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along."
- Ron urging Jamm to wear a rather large homemade chastity belt.
- Ron comparing going against Tammy to going to war, capped off with his statement that, "Tammy does not abide by the Geneva Convention."
- "She's a demonic sociopath ... with excellent cleavage. "
- Andy lies that he's moving to Chicago to cover for him and Tom drunkenly taking a cab there to see Tom's Ex, Lucy. Then Andy slowly convinces himself that he's actually moving there, and increasingly begins to regret it.
- Tammy stripping stark naked in a public library, in a last-ditch effort to seduce Jamm. Leslie protests, only to get shushed by one of the librarians, the implication being that the librarians are used to Tammy stripping naked in the library, but raise your voice above a whisper? Noooo.
- The fact that Tammy 2 has never even had sex with Jamm; she does, however, let him rub up against her leg sometimes.
- "Leslie and Ron":
Ron: "As an American citizen being held against his will, it's my constitutional right to BLOW UP THIS FUCKING DOOR!"Leslie: "Well, there was no swearing in the Constitution."
- Leslie trying to get Ron to talk to her. These include:
- Blowing a fan on him.
- Chinese water torture, done with a drinking straw dripping on his moustache.
- Covering Ron entirely with Post-It notes, with yellow notes spelling Ron across the chest.
- Insulting Ron's woodcarving, and wood in general.
- Singing along to "We Didn't Start The Fire" without knowing all the lyrics. That last one is what causes Ron to crack.
- Desperate to get out of the office, Ron pulls on a fire alarm, only to turn on the sprinklers. Leslie explains that the fire department disconnected that alarm because April was pulling it all the time.
- Looking for dry clothes afterwards, Ron could only find Craig's yoga clothes. When the door opens at the end, Craig complains that Ron's wearing out the elastic.
- Ron attempting to use the land mine Leslie gave him with a jury rigged detonator to blow up the door. His crazed tone is what really sells it:
Leslie: You made a key?(Ron enters his old office and closes the door.)
- The result: the reveal that the mine was inactive and only had a balloon and streamers inside. Ron is mortified he had a toy on his desk for years, while Leslie is surprised Ron thought he had an active weapon on his desk.
- Ron is shown whittling something during the first few hours. After getting mad at Leslie, it is revealed what he was whittling...
- The rest of the crew comes to check on them the next morning and find Ron and Leslie dancing and singing along to "We Didn't Start the Fire", while Ron (somehow) is playing the sax.
- Leslie trying to get Ron to talk to her. These include:
- Andy and his little ninjas crawling across the floor to threaten Feinstein. Him acting like a ninja master, and how the children follow him really sells it. Even Feinstein is impressed by the coordination.
- At the end of the episode, Andy and his ninjas return to cover Feinstein's office with toilet paper. Their escape, however, is spoiled when he finds out that he's lost one of the kids.
- It's discovered the Gryzzl corporation was able to distract Ben from noticing that they added a revision to their contract allowing them to data mine Pawnee by doing it on December 18, 2015, the premiere date of Star Wars Episode VII:
- The Perdple Court. Hosted, of course, by Perd Hapley. Every time he calls himself a judge, a graphic informs the viewers that he is not a real judge. At the end he loses his "judge hammer".note , and he ends the proceedings with "Tap, tap, tap. Case ended."
- A subtle one, but Craig's therapist Dr. Richard Nygaard is the same one that Chris visited!
- The introduction of Donna's oft-mentioned brother, LeVondrias. Played by Questlove. They had a falling out over a microwave and popcorn.
LeVondrias: (smashes microwave on dance floor) "Now no one gets popcorn!"
- While walking around Ron's business offices, Andy and Ben are introduced to the VP, a bearded fellow with a similar body type named Don Swanson.
Ron: "Yes. I have a brother. One brother." (waves off two other bearded men in the background)Andy: "You worked for all those years at the Parks Department and never told us you had a brother?"Don: "You worked for the Parks Department?"Ron: "TOUR OVER!"
- Andy decides to go the extra mile to help April get a consulting job at Ben's old Accounting Firm. The end result is Andy, in a creepy cutout April mask, throwing firecrackers everywhere shouting "USA! USA!"
- The fake commercials on "The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show".
Ron: Use Very Good Construciton Company for all your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. (long pause) End of commercial.
- Ron's ad for Very Good Construction, particularly the long pause as he waits out the end of the commercial's running time.
Announcer: What's in it? Who cares! How many calories does it have? Shut up! Put it in your body or you're a nerd!
- The Wamapoke Casino ad highlighting Coinsy the Wolf, a slot machine with a giant wolf's head on top.
- Paunch Burger, which makes no bones about how unhealthy their food is.
Andy: Okay kids, so be on the lookout for a... what's it called?April: A Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula. Also known locally to Venezuelans as the Devil's Fist. Bye kids!
- Verxxotlenote : One of America's eight companies.
- Andy and April losing the animal they brought in for the kids to watch.
- The implication that this is a regular occurrence.
- The out-of-nowhere cameo by John Cena. Who then admits that when he read the description about Andy, he assumed Andy was a ten-year-old kid.
- In "Two Funerals", April's Big "NO!" when Ben chooses Garry to be interim mayor.
- "One Last Ride"
"No! I want it on! That's the whole point! I put this makeup on after I went into labor!"
- April giving birth on Halloween while wearing zombie make-up. When her OB-GYN Dr. Saperstein, tries to get a nurse to wipe it off she yells:
Chris: I scan myself literally fifty times a day.
- Leslie wishes Jean-Ralphio a long life. Gilligan Cut to his funeral five years later. Followed by the reveal that he faked it for the insurance.
- After losing his Tom's Bistro franchise, Tom views a documentary of his past failures. Which he made and narrated himself.
- Lucy's comment that "Who knew the nation would run out of beef?"
- Tom's self-help book is titled "Failure: An American Success Story". And its follow-up "Failure 2: Fail at Failing."
- At Garry's funeral, he is given the Notary Society's highest honor - a 21 stamp salute.
- Gayle not aging a day, even as she reaches 100.
- To top things off, the gravestone is misspelled.
- Ben has created a sequel to his board game "Cones of Dunshire", which a reviewer has described as "punishingly intricate".
- Chris shows Leslie his wrist-held health scanner.
Leslie: Aren't you worried you might get cancer?
Chris: I am now.
"A (bleep)ing library?!"
- When Leslie learns that Ann and Chris are visiting, she begins babbling about Ann being there before pushing Ben away and hugging Ann. Chris and Ben then wander off, since Leslie and Ann are going to be hugging for a while.
- Andy genuinely believing that Chris was actually called Chip, having forgotten his name since he moved away in 2014.
- Andy mistaking April's asking for Ron and Donna to keep quiet that she's pregnant again as April asking them to keep the noise down because the unborn child is sleeping.
- When Leslie notices that her daughter is sitting and talking with Ann's son, she immediately hopes they fall in love. Ann warns her not to seem too approving. Leslie agrees, then gives her daughter a big smile and a thumbs up.
- From The Producers Cut:
- As usual, everything involving Jean-Ralphio.
- "Yeah I'm injured! I've got a terminal case of get me to the front of the line at Six Flags!"
- The fact Tom high fives him for this.
- "I'll be sad to see you go. because I've finagled my way onto your family phone plan and that ends today."
- He then asks Leslie, "Will you do me one final kindess? Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam but then we fall in love for real!"
- His future: he fakes his death at one point and is discovered at his funeral!
- After serving for two terms as governor of Indiana, Leslie receives her doctorate from the Indiana University, who reveal that they're naming their library after her. In a great callback to the parks department's rivalry with the library dept, Leslie says through a fake smile under her breath:
- A blink-and-you'll-miss-it joke, but Brandi Maxxxx at one point becomes the Pawnee City Council president in the future. Especially hilarious because she ran for the same city council spot that Leslie ran for in season 4.
- Whenever Ron mentions a location where his gold has been buried or hidden, he offers a Suspiciously Specific Denial that it is no longer in that location.
- Every single time that other people yell at Jerry tends to be a Crowning Moment of Funny.
- Anything with April's creepy friend, Orin. Especially him creeping Ben out during "April and Andy's Fancy Party".
Ben: No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?
- * The old guy in the sleeveless t-shirt's apperances.
Old Man: I picture a park with rides and sexy cartoon characters. I call it Disney Land.Leslie: How did you get in here?Old Man: Broke a window.
- His meeting with Leslie when she's trying to find anything she can to get the Newport Land.
Old Man (Showing up out of nowhere): I'll help (Startles everyone else)Leslie: Where did you come from?Old Man: Came through the sewer.
- When Leslie and Co are in the decrepit district of Pawnee April and Andy live in and announces she has a plan.
- Bidding 50 dollars on the Red Hot Chili Peppper's guitar... and then trying to wipe the signature off.
- "That's my slogan... "Who needs a slogan" and then a picture of him flipping everyone off.
- The way Pawnee citizens drink from drinking fountains by putting their whole mouth around the spout!
- "Burt Macklin, FBI." Any and all of his appearances.
- Citizens of Pawnee and their complaints to the city government, current up to mid-season 5.
Woman: I found a sandwich in one of your parks and I wanted to know why it didn't have mayonnaise!
Ron snorts with laughter.
Woman: What's so funny?
(A different woman, holding a malformed clay cup and talking to Ron)
Woman: I made this in one of your pottery classes. It's terrible! (Smashes it on the floor)
- One popular outtake from "Born and Raised": after Andy (as Burt Macklin) steals Leslie's birth certificate and "some dude's briefcase", he throws the briefcase away, and the lights switch off. After a beat, it dawns on everyone that Chris Pratt accidentally threw the briefcase at the light switch, shattering it.
Chris Pratt: ♪ That's not something that props can fix ♫ That's gonna be a little harder to fix ♪ I'm sorry ♫, I'm out! (runs off)
- Even better is Rob Lowe's completely deadpan "that is...fucking hilarious."
- Another outtake involving a brilliant ad-lib:
Ann: Everybody loves a good comeback story, right? Seabiscuit, The Mighty Ducks...
Leslie: Robert Downey, Jr.... who else?
Andy: Kim Kardashian!
Ann: Kim-- well...
Andy: Well, in the video, she gets — she gets cum on her back, I think.
(Aubrey Plaza, realizing what he's about to say, slaps Chris in the arm before everybody corpses; Nick Offerman doubles over and Jim O'Heir's laughter takes over the room while Aziz Ansari covers his face)
Retta: (out of character) Only gonna make the wrap party.
- Chris Pratt getting Nick Offerman to corpse:
Andy: I have hot snakes, you guys!April: What's 'hot snakes'?Andy: (beat) It's when the diarrhea comes out like a hot snake!April: Andy!(Nick Offerman starts laughing hysterically)Andy: I get hot snakes and bubblegut!
Andy: Sometimes, when I wipe...(Aubrey corpses and turns her back)...I'll wipe and I'll wipe and I'll wipe...a hundred times...still poop, still poop...it's like I'm wiping a marker or something.
- And Aubrey Plaza, again concerning his bowel movements:
- The main cast singing "Bye Bye Lil Sebastian" at Late Night with Seth Myers. Aubrey Plaza and Jim O'Hair are making out in the middle with everyone else laughing and Chris Pratt trying to keep a straight face.
- Chris Pratt revealing that he suggested to the producers that they have have Where Are They Now for each character similar to the Six Feet Under finale showing how they died. There would be text that said April "died of a broken heart", while Andy died "from being left in a locked car on hot day with the windows rolled up."