open/close all folders
- Leslie being so desperate to get people out to her town meeting that she manages to galvanize them against her harmless park project.
- Meanwhile, Mark, April, and Tom do find someone who's interested:
Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.
Mark: April, please stand behind me.
- The meeting itself, where every time it looks like things can't get worse, they do, up to and including Leslie's last resort.
Town manager: My god, she's filibustering her own meeting.
- Leslie praises the Pawnee Journal as a bastion of journalistic excellence, and holds up a copy with the main headline "Spring Arrives!" with the sub-headlines "Most residents welcome the new season" and "Vernal equinox will occur at 11:43 AM today, according to scientists". And the second article on the front page is evidently about a stray pet iguana somebody found wandering around.
- Ron's libertarian idea of the perfect government:
Ron: One guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe... when he desires them.
- The funniest material to come out of Andy's leg injuries: his household-object rock songs.
- Ron introduces his date to Mark:
Ron: My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!Beth: Yeah, Tammy stinks.
- Getting into a cab after the show:
Ron: Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree?Tom, Wendy, Beth: [enthusiastically] I do!
- Ron beginning to address everyone by saying, "Okay, here's the situation...", only to have Leslie cut him off with an impromptu rendition of "Parents Just Don't Understand".
Leslie: So what's up?
Ron: Uh, someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away.
Leslie: Oh my god!
- The two penguins Leslie "marries" immediately start having gay sex... since it turns out they're both male. Cue baffled expressions of innocent children and old ladies who were not expecting to see such lewdness at such an innocuous event.
- Ron dealing with his hernia, which he can easily manage so long as he stays still. This includes trying to eat his lunch by throwing an entire hamburger into his mouth.
- Leslie describes her experience with eating a pot brownie, saying she felt like she was floating. Then it turns out that there wasn't any pot in that brownie; it was just a really insanely delicious brownie.
- April's impression of Leslie.
April: Women should do everything! Check out my four-color pen! Hey everybody, listen up while I talk about some really really important stuff! Parks-parks-parks-parks-parks-Michelle-Obama-parks-gay-penguins-parks-sugar-parks!
- Trish's talent is baton twirling... except all she does is just jump all over the stage flailing the baton around.
- Leslie trying to do a British accent. It's a lovely little bit of cringe comedy.
- Leslie's list of awful first dates... and her reaction when Ann subjects her to another one.
Ann: What's your niece's name?
Leslie: Torpel. What? I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece. My niece's name is Stephanie.
- "TALIBAN ROBES!" The way Ron yells it is hilarious.
- Andy trying to intimidate the titular character in an interrogation. After dramatically smashing his coffee cup into a wall, he says this in an attempted scary tone:
Andy: My name is Burt Macklin. I'm with the (bleep)ing F.B.I.
- "MY NAME IS ANDY DWYER AND I'D BE A PERFECT CONTESTANT FOR DEAL OR NO DEAL!" (rips a fish apart)
- Ron and Tammy's process - they try to talk and be civil, only for things to devolve into hysterical screaming fits before they start wildly making out with each other all over the place with no regard for privacy, and the last shot of this is them running into a motel while stripping at the same time.
- Leslie talking about the vandalized historical mural.
Leslie: We really need better security. We also need better, less offensive history.
- This line:
Tom: Damn! How come the sewage department gets all the hot interns?
- Andy's reaction to Ron... enjoying his shoeshine.
- April's incredibly freaky idea for the town mural, and Leslie simply asking, "Why?"
- Even funnier is April's answer:
- Tom's emotional reaction to the abstract piece he commissioned the art student to make for him.
- Leslie's description of how the local bread factory fire made the air in the town smell like toast.
- Leslie's rapid-fire list of excuses for why she (actually Tom) accidentally shot Ron.
Leslie: I got that tunnel vision that girls get. I let my emotions get the best of me. I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my... lady parts. I was walking and it felt icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember! I'm wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! I'm just going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete, I wanna just shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis! What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain; I'm bad at math, and... I'm stupid.
- Donna realizing the window on her Mercedes has been smashed and completely losing it to the point that Ann assumes she's having a heart attack.
- April and Andy telling each other jokes to make the other do a Spit Take.
- Leslie's date's hilarious (and on-the-nose) Wisconsin pride:
Chris: I'm from Wisconsin, go Badgers.
Leslie: Boo! Go Hoosiers!
Chris: NO. Badgers!
- Leslie's description of the fourth floor.
"They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced."
- Leslie finding she still has glitter from the strip club stuck on her. Tom adds:
"It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball."
- The very ending, where Leslie hires a man in a silly horse costume to sing an apology song to Ron and give him a balloon. Ron stabs and pops the balloon.
- Perd Hapley doing the worm.
Ron: What the fuck are you doing, Perd Hapley?
- What's in Nutri-Yum bars that makes Leslie feel so good?
- Leslie killing time during the telethon while Schrempf is still at the Snake Hole.
- Schrempf pointing out that Tom only had two light beers but is blitzed out of his mind.
- The opening gag with Leslie and Justin helping Tom pick out outfits. ALL of it.
- "Eagle Medallion, caw ,caw!"
- The LED light belt.
- Everything about DJ Roomba, the floor cleaner robot Tom strapped an iPod dock to. Especially the ghost of DJ Roomba haunting Jerry.
DJ Roomba: I'm going to haunt you, Jerry, and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!
- As usual, whenever Pawnee's residents show up at a public forum with their unique perceptions of reality.
Pawnee Resident: "hat's wrong with corn syrup? It's natural! Corn is a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush!
Ann: Oh boy.
- Leslie and Ann try to get some DVDs from the library, but the librarians, as usual, refuse to make things easy for them.
Leslie: Hi, Marcie.
Librarian: Hi, Leslie. Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh, I guess not. It's a movie.
Leslie: You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the internet.
Librarian: Let's see... (scans DVD) Hmm, you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called "MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM"!
Leslie: No, I don't!
Librarian: YES, YOU DO!
Leslie: ...Ann, grab the movie.
(Ann does so. Leslie throws a book at the librarian, shoves a stack of them over, and makes a break for it.)
Leslie: Go, go, GO, GO!
(She and Ann run out the door. The alarm starts beeping as Leslie shoves a cart full of books over and runs away.)
Leslie: PUNK-ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!
- Leslie's attempt to lay out a battle plan to capture the possum is interrupted by Andy, who just runs at it screaming before tackling it.
- Leslie's confession to Ann.
Leslie: Possum! There was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.
Leslie: And it went into your laundry and your kitchen and it touched all your bras. And I'm so sorry, it's our fault we captured it and it got out and it ran around and it was a possum, okay? April, run, April. Sorry, Ann. I love you!
- Leslie imagines what Tom would say if he learned about the actual cause of Jerry's injury, which Jerry had attributed to a mugging. The cruel but hilarious line is funny in itself, but Leslie's spot-on impersonation of Tom's mannerisms really sells it.
Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What'd you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
- When Jerry returns to work, he has to give a presentation about hunting licenses. Leslie tells everyone that they are not allowed to laugh at Jerry no matter what. His coworkers desperately try not to make fun of him in the face of numerous blunders, each one more embarrassing until, while he's awkwardly trying to find his glasses, he bends over and tears a hole in the seat of his pants, letting out a huge fart. The looks on everyone's faces, especially at the end, are priceless.
- April and Andy's weird conversations, including Andy asking her which of the old parks directors she'd sleep with. April's response is the oldest one so she could chew his Big Ol' Eyebrows off.
- The ending, where Ron and Leslie are chucking darts at a picture of the jerkass former directors of the Parks department. Particularly Leslie's hilariously sadistic bit of glee when she nails the meanest former director.
Leslie: In the neck!
- Ron immediately takes a liking to Ben because he wants to cut the budget.
Ron: What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?
- All the scenes with Ann and Leslie drunk.
- Andy's hatred of Jean-Ralphio quickly putting a damper on his surprise and unhappiness at seemingly being rejected by April.
Andy: I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals. *shrugs* That Ralph-Machio guy is a total douche.
- Ron's wicked smile when he hears that the government is going to be shut down.
Leslie: I'm sorry, I just heard a lot of really loud circus music, what did you say?
- Chris nonchalantly walking into Ann's house, finding Lucy and Tom having sex, nonchalantly asking them how they're doing, and then walking back out when they yell for him to leave.
- Chris massaging Ron's shoulders. And then trying to get someone to do the same for him when Ron and Ben argue about firing Leslie.
"Go Big or Go Home"
- Leslie Putting the Band Back Together.
- Tom has been working at a tennis shoe store and gets into an argument with a customer for having big feet.
- Donna is working in a call center selling rubber nipples.
- Jerry has been painting a nice landscape of a lake. Leslie comes by, grabs the painting and tosses it into the lake.
- The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.◊
Ron: Under my tutelage, you'll grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators and from gladiators into Swansons. Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
- Leslie makes an unusual request of Ann.
Leslie: Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does?
Leslie: Minus the money?
Ann: Definitely yes then.
- From a deleted scene, Ron's advice on passing during a basketball game:
Ron: Zero passes is selfish. One pass is American. Two passes is communist.
- According to co-creator Michael Schur, the funniest line ever spoken in the show is an ad-lib by Chris Pratt.
Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here [browser address bar] and it says you could have network connectivity problems.
- Leslie's increasingly bizarre fever delusions.
- This quote from Ann about Chris:
"He is like, the perfect human man. I can't find one flaw. One time, I thought he farted... but it was me."
- Chris obsessing over his sickness.
Chris: (looking into a mirror) Stop... pooping...
Chris: Oh my God. The microchip has been compromised.
Chris: This floor is my friend!
- Ron visits April in the hospital:
Ron: I didn't know what to bring, so I got some magazines and lipstick. You know, woman stuff.April: Thanks. All my parents got me was that. (points to huge teddy bear in the corner)
- What are Andy's good qualities? He's nice, and he's in a band! That's it.
- Coupled with the look on Chris' face.
- And the best part? It's enough.
- Coupled with the look on Chris' face.
- Leslie listing off all of Pawnee's slogans.
Leslie: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.
- This exchange:
Leslie: Please remember, this is a government project. So, we need to refrain from corporate promotion and religious items. Who'd like to start?
Man: I think we should put in the Bible.
- Ben's reaction to walking in to see Ron brandishing a hacksaw.
Ben: Whoa, what's going on?
Leslie: Some guy handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office because we wouldn't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule.
Ben: Dammit, again?
- The fight between Ron and Tammy in the bar with the police around. The cops all start giving a rundown on the situation like they were in Cops.
- Ron's mustache rubbing off from... "friction". The reactions of Ben and Leslie seal the deal.
- Jerry is the only one that seems to have completely missed that Ron and Tammy are bad together, including bring a wedding gift to the intervention. When Tammy shows up at the intervention and proceeds to make out with a now shirtless Ron, everyone leaves the room. Except Jerry, who never got up.
- Ron finally coming to his senses and breaking up with Tammy when she starts beating up Tom. Ron equates hurting Tom with hurting a defenseless child, and picks Tom up in a Bridal Carry and out of the library.
- Ron typing every word he knows on the really loud typewriter.
- Ben's freak-out on "Ya Heard? With Perd".
Ben: Come on! Who hasn't had gay thoughts?
- And later, his peevish mocking of Perd's name.
Ben: More like Turd Crapley.
- What really sells it is Tom, his head buried in his arms in abject misery.
- And later, his peevish mocking of Perd's name.
- Natalie getting Andy detained by the school security guard.
Officer: Sir, are you trying to lure this girl into your van?
Andy: Yeah, and she's being really difficult about it.
- Andy shouldn't even be driving. His license is "crazy" expired.
- After Ben freaks out in the interview with Crazy Ira and The Douche:
Leslie: We need him. If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy.
Tom: Well, we should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, 'cause that would be way more charming.
- "Ben Wyatt: Human Disaster"
- Ron reverting to a tearful little boy when he finds out that his favorite restaurant in Indianapolis has been closed for a health code violation.
Ron: What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? Do you think they got eaten?
- After Ann finds out that Chris actually broke up with her (which she hadn't realized because he used a very weird feng-shui metaphor to do so), Leslie tries to console her friend with tales of her own disastrous dates. One included her date's mother calling her to break up with her for him.
- Ben sees that Dennis Feinstein's car has a window slightly rolled down. He grabs Tom's rejected cologne and dumps the contents into the car before he has to run away to get some fresher air, gagging and coughing.
- This classic Leslie line.
Leslie: This is a map of all the atrocities the Pawneeans have inflicted upon the Wamapoke Indians. (zoom to a map of the Pawnee municipal area, all in blue with a few white dots) The atrocities are in blue.
- Everyone's reaction to Li'l Sebastian. Especially Ron's glee.
- Ron says that in order to find the missing Li'l Sebastian the team needs a higher view point. Andy takes a long look at the ferris wheel and then suggests that he climb it.
- Ron demanding everyone apologize. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome (for calling out everyone's pettiness) and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming (because he knows that it's mostly not Jerry's fault and showing how much he cares about the April/Andy relationship).
- The animated reenactment of the curse.
- The curse removal ceremony.
Ken Hotate: (speaking Wamapoke language) I am not saying anything. Nobody can understand me anyway. Doobee. Doobee. Doo.
- Hotate "blesses" Ben by saying "Hey, dummy!" in Wamapoke and chucking dirt in his face.
- Andy's weird method of showing affection for April.
Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!
April: (unsmiling as ever) No. There's no problem. (big smile) I awesomesauce Andy!
- Together with April's Stepford Snarker reaction to it later, to the camera:
- The calm, relaxing scene where Jerry's happily cuddling a cat and listening to the old lady playing the piano at the inn, while Ben tries to escape to no avail. Cue instant cut to this head interview.
Ben: Yeah, she died, like, twenty minutes after that.
- When Ben and Tom go into their room, Ben finds a book with statements from previous visitors. One of them is "My wife and I spent three nights of ecstasy in this room." Tom and Ben are appropriately horrified.
- April complaining about how the air is too fresh.
- April and Andy ask their guests to bring something to their dinner party. Chris is asked to bring a cake. Instead he brings a vegetable loaf because "it's healthier". A disgusted Ron says:
Ron: So, not only does this thing exist but you have also deprived everyone of cake!
- The cold open, where at a meeting Ron pretends to yank out his own tooth (which a dentist had removed the day before) causing everyone to freak out, some to leave the room and Tom to faint.
- Special notice must be given to Ben, who does not even give a facial expression. He simply bolts from the room before Ron is even done pulling.
- Chris scaring Orin. Chris repels emos, apparently.
- Orin scaring Ben:
Ben: No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?
- The animal control department releasing the pigeons at the end of the ceremony.
Animal control: Okay, so that one is dead. We know that.
- Tom explaining his food lexicon.
Tom: "Zerts" are what I call desserts. "Tray-trays" are entrees. I call sandwiches "sammies", "sandoozles" or "Adam Sandlers". Air conditioners are "cool blasterz" with a "z". I don't know where that came from. I call cakes "big ol' cookies". I call noodles "long-ass rice". Fried chicken is "fry fry chicky chick". Chicken parm is "chickey chickey parm parm". Chicken cacciatore: "chickey catch". I call eggs "pre-birds" or "future birds". Root beer is "super water". Tortillas are "bean blankies". And I call forks "food rakes".
- Leslie being so Afraid of Needles that she screams before Ann even gets the shot in. When Ann does...
Leslie: (Beep) you, Ann!
- Ben sneaking back to check out Jerry's painting with Leslie nude in the chestal region. Twice.
- This line, from Ben's tour of April and Andy's house:
Ben: Were you frying marbles?
- The painting itself. Topless Centaur Leslie is one thing, but Cherub Tom...
Ben: (to April and Andy) You can do this. I have complete faith in you.
(cut to Ben talking to the camera crew some time later)
Ben: There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.
- He's talking about April and Andy going shopping for home and bath supplies.
- Andy throughout the entire episode.
Andy: Garbage fight!
- The fact that the Eagleton jail is more like a luxurious hotel room, the police act more like very nice waiters, and there are even gift bags given away to prisoners when they leave!
- The previous Health Department public relations director leaves a bunch of signs all over town publicly shaming his wife for cheating on him and giving him an STD. The way Chris reads them off is the cherry on top.
- April and Andy role-playing.
- All of the drunk talking head scenes. All of them.
Donna: Someone needs to be alert tonight. This snake juice is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
Leslie: (crying) You donít even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, she's in there.
Ann: I'm not gonna tell you, or that - that bitch over there. I'm - I'm gonna - I don't have to brag.
Ben: (giggles like an idiot) Baba booey.
Andy: Turn this music down. (singing) Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
April: (rambles in incomprehensible Spanish)
Jerry: (giggles and then coughs, holding a glass of Snakejuice)
Ron: (dancing like nobody's watching)
- Special mention to a drunk Ron dancing. Words cannot do it justice, so here it is in its infinite glory.
- When Donna is driving everyone home:
Ron: Is this everybody?
Donna: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry is on the roof. Okay, where to first?
Leslie: Your mother's butt! (Everyone who is drunk starts laughing. Donna rolls her eyes.)
Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone.
- When Ben and Leslie are giving interviews while hungover.
Ben: Thank you. We will let you know. (job candidate leaves) And then our heads will explode and we will all die.
- Andy loves his new wife so much that even in the throes of a terrible hangover, he continues role-playing. To Kyle's detriment. The body language right before the end is perfect.
- Chris rocking the air banjo.
- Leslie's ideas for making the trip as unsexy as possible. It includes topics about the history of the ladder and her electronic toothbrush manual.
- Ann snuck in an Al Green song into the road trip mix. She really wants Leslie and Ben to get together.
- April singing "The Pit" to show Andy she supports him. And then Andy proclaims her the best wife ever and they're totally gonna do it later.
- Ron (in the new circular desk Chris made him use) slowly and silently swiveling around and away from the citizen complaining about how she got sick from using sprinkler water for tea.
- More of a sight gag when Ben impresses Leslie's ball-busting mom and both Knope women look at him while doing a choreographed head tilt of interest.
- April deciding that the fourth floor is amazing after someone randomly walks in and smashes the coffee pot for an ill-defined reason.
- Everyone is trying to have a moment of silence for the deceased Li'l Sebastian, but then a janitor walks into the office, his headphones loudly blaring Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman".
- The phone message Ben accidentally sent to Ron of himself and Leslie role-playing while having sex.
Leslie: And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss!
Ben: Whoa! Eleanor likes the tongue!
- And then there's their roleplaying Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan.
- And before that, Leslie's ranting attempt at a denying to Ron her relationship with Ben. Just as she's topping off her ramble with a shrieked, "Who do I call?", Ben swoops into the room all smiley.
Ben: (finally realizing Ron is in the room with them) Hey, Ron. Listen...
- Just before that scene.
Ron: Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben?
Leslie: (stuttering) What?
Ron: How long have you been sleeping with Ben?
Leslie: That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get... Why would I... I've never had sex with anyone, anywhere... It's none of your... You have... The nerve, the audacity... Ben is my boss technically and he is... Terrible, face-wise. And how... How... Do I know frankly that you are not sleeping with him? Maybe you are, maybe you are trying to throw me off. Hmm, check and mate! This is an outrage! Who do I call?
- Ron's facial expression during that monologue is the icing on the cake.
- Tom's absurd monologue (coupled with his inept "serious" British accent) during Li'l Sebastian's memorial video.
- Ron's eyebrows getting burnt off because Jerry put lighter fluid into the torch rather than propane.
I'm Leslie Knope
- The doctor's reaction to Jerry's penis after checking him for mumps. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Jerry.
- The incredulous expression Andy makes when he realizes that the penis photos were sent on purpose.
- When Tammy 1 shows up, Ron tries to make a hasty escape. He fishes an emergency backpack out of an air duct and then runs off, telling Leslie that he keeps a small quantity of ground chuck in his desk, and that she should check on it, as it will start to smell after a few days.
- The sheer Chris-ness of this line.
Chris: Oh my god. Your inbox is... literally filled with penises.
- And a moment later...
Leslie: (Ann's phone inbox beeps) Don't you need to get that?"
Ann: Don't worry, it's just penises.
- Leslie's rationale for recruiting Tammy 2 to get rid of Tammy 1.
- Tammy 1 and Tamara get into a drinking contest with the Swanson family's homemade moonshine. Leslie tries to join in, and is floored within a few shots. April can't even get the first shot down, resulting in a massive Spit Take. Ron, learning his mama will take him home if she wins, decides to chug the rest of the jug, the equivalent of three handles of regular liquor.
- Drunk Leslie.
- "Everybody pants now, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants."
- "Ron, your family's weird." (Said right in front of his mother.)
- The way she wrecks her office.
- Leslie, Andy, and April's reaction to finding out Ron's first wife Tammy 1 was a candy striper who helped deliver him.
- Special note goes to Andy's: while Leslie and April are, naturally, horrified, Andy just seems impressed and excited.
- After just one week back with Tammy 1, Ron coming to work a "neutered wimp" sans his mustache much to the dismay of Leslie and the rest of the department.
Leslie: Ron, your mustache fell off!
- Ben trying to make sense of all the furniture and the purpose of the secretaries in Tom's company.
- Ben's assessment of Entertainment 720's financial situation:
Ben: I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of... this sentence.
- Tammy 2 also has a Tammy 1 emergency backpack.
- Joan Callamezzo's horrible journalism.
Leslie: God, not the "Gotcha" Dancers!
- Ben's reaction to Joan's blatant innuendo.
- This line from Leslie:
"I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort probably!"
- Donna and Tom explaining "Treat Yo Self" day.
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend the day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Tom: Treat yo self.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Tom: Treat yo self.
Donna: Fine leather goods.
Tom: Treat yo self
Donna: It's the best day of the year.
- Ben walking out in a Batman costume and Tom and Donna's reactions.
- And then, Ben crying while wearing the Batman costume.
- This talking head from Ann:
- At their Halloween party, Ron notices that April and Andy's house needs a lot of minor repairs, so he heads to Lowe's wearing his pirate costume to buy supplies. Pushing his trolley through the store, he's approached by a store worker.
Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?
Ron: (stopping, and looking straight at the staff member) I know more than you. (carries on through the store)
- Ben chasing Orin away from his room as if he were a disobedient dog.
- Andy "wrestling" Ben, followed by a talking head scene where he's still got Ben in a headlock.
- "God, I am so annoyed he would hypothetically do that!"
- "Oh, just because I can't go out with him means someone else can?"
- The Reasonablists' idea of what the end of the world will be like.
"Well, this morning at dawn, you will take on a new form: that of a fleshless, chattering skeleton, when Zorp the Surveyor arrives with his volcano mouth."
- Leslie and Ron's heart-to-heart about what they'd do if the world was indeed ending. Ron states he would drink some whiskey and then see his ex-wives one last time to see them meet their fiery deaths with his own two eyes. Then it gets sad when Leslie admits she'd want to spend it with Ben, and she feels miserable over the thought of him being with anyone else. And then whiplash ensues again when the Cult Leader eavesdrops in.
"If it makes you feel any better Leslie, we'll all be dead in twenty minutes!"
- Leslie gets a little too intense in this Model UN conference:
Leslie: (to Ben, angry) The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
- Andy tries figuring out what country he wants to be:
Andy: How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.
- When April volunteers the Moon to support Denmark (Leslie)'s war against Peru (Ben).
Leslie: Yeah! We got the freakin' Moon! What're you gonna do without tides, Peru?
- After Chris tells Ann that he's worried that his relationship with Millicent Gergich might not be going well:
Ann: (sarcastically) Wow, a four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.Chris: The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann. I am going to launch a full-scale investigation. And I sincerely thank you for that suggestion.Ann: Glad I could help in these trying times.Chris: Sarcasm again! You're a delight.
- Andy trades Finland's military for 50 lions from Kenya.
Andy: Honey, I just traded Finland's military for 50 lions! Isn't that pretty good?April: Yeah... but also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries.Andy: So are lions. And you don't have to pay them!
- The ever-expanding pile of herbal remedies Chris is forcing himself to take to stay chipper during the trial.
- All of the evidence entered during the trial.
- Leslie's email message to Ann announcing her relationship with Ben.
- Tammy 2 dramatically beginning to reveal falsified photographs, only to backtrack mid-sentence and flee the room when Chris explains the consequences of perjury.
- April explains to Ron what a "cookie" is, prompting this.
Ron: So it learns information about me? Seems like an invasion of my privacy.
April: Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address. (Ron types something into the computer, stares at it, and throws his computer in the dumpster)
- Leslie and her new campaign team trying to slowly walk across an ice rink from a red carpet to a tiny stage for her first campaign rally. All while the PA system is repeatedly playing the same five-second extract of "Get on Your Feet" by Gloria Estafan.
- Ben excitedly showing Chris the claymation video he's been spending his downtime obsessively working on, only for it to stop playing less than two seconds in.
Chris: Did you pause it?
Ben: No, I... (he replays the video, it still stops two seconds in) ...that's the whole thing... (buries face in hands) That was three weeks of work...
- Leslie's gifts for everyone in the office, including a painting of April and Andy dressed up liked sci-fi action heroes slaughtering the Black Eyed Peas, dual remote-controlled door closers for Ron's office, and socks for Jerry.
- While Andy and April are having dinner at his house, Ben figures out something for Leslie to do to satisfy her workaholic tendencies. She naturally runs off, leaving Ben alone.
Ben: ...I can hear you breathing. Yes you can finish her pasta. (April and Andy burst in and begin devouring Leslie's leftovers)
Andy: Oh, god, I'm so hungry... Hey, this pasta tastes like Fruit Loops!
- Donna wanted to use silver M&Ms for the gingerbread office, but they don't make them in silver, so she spray-painted them.
Ann: Okay, those are poisonous, so nobody eat them.
Andy: (silver paint dust on his mouth) Yeah, duh!
Ann: ...go throw up.
Andy: I didn't eat any!
Ann and April: Go throw up!
- The entirety of Jean Ralphio's employment at the accounting firm (which lasted about thirty seconds), not to mention his reaction upon getting fired.
Jean Ralphio: Makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?
- Leslie's campaign ad, specifically the incredibly Long List of things she supports.
- Leslie claims to Ben that Ann was freaking out at his suggestion to run a negative ad. Ironic Echo Cut to a spaced out Ann marveling at a marker, commenting, "Oh my god, this magic marker smells like cherries!"
- Leslie's rationale for why positive campaigns are always better.
Leslie: Barack Obama said "Yes we can" and now he's President. Ben Wyatt said "No we can't" and now he works for his girlfriend.
- When Ben goes to give his DVD of a negative ad to be screened, Leslie (preferring to air a positive ad) appears out of nowhere and does a Dynamic Entry and tackles him, shouting out, "Leslie Knope does not approve this message!" The two of them then wrestle on the floor.
- Andy sneezing and hitting his head on the wall while hanging up his first gold record.
- Andy giving Doctor Harris an absurdly long list of minor ailments and random things he thinks might be problems (i.e. eating a Twix with the wrapper and the wrapper never coming back out) and ending it with "Oh, and I broke my thumb on the way over here."
- April and Andy going to all the doctors.
April: We made like a hundred million doctor's appointments for ourselves in one week. After this, we won't have to go to the doctor for ten years. Because we're smart. [behind her, Andy knocks himself unconscious bouncing a ball off the wall]
- This exchange between April and Andy after going to the doctors:
Andy: This one guy looked at my wiener... Actually touched it.April: That guy wasn't a doctor.
- Andy trying to avoid paying for his medical treatment by running away and then injuring himself by running into an ambulance.
- Ben's ridiculously cheesy deep voice-over for the ad. With Tom and Jerry helping out on it, saying Bobby Newport's name in the most baritone and sinister voices they can muster.
- After screening a successful ad, based on the ones Leslie made when she was a little kid, her opponent arrives and ask who the little girl in the video was because he wants to use her for his own ad. The scene also reveals that he has no clue about how videos work.
- When she learns that everyone prefers Ben's ad:
Leslie: Traitors! Ann, I painted your garage pink!Ann: I did not ask you to do that.
- April's many bizarre campaign-telemarketing personae, which are surprisingly good impressions but are terribly out-of-touch with their subjects. When she puts on a quaint Southern persona and uses a country metaphor, she looks at the camera and mouths "I don't know", having no idea what she's doing.
- When Chris is about to get dumped by Millicent:
April: I wished for his happiness to go away. I think I might be a wizard.
- This exchange.
Tom: Quick question about Ann: Does anyone know if she has any Indian in her?
Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything.
Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.
Jerry: I don't think she does.
Tom: 'Cause does she want some? (groans from everyone else in the room and at least one "Jerry!")
- Jerry botches the assignment of finding a date for Ann and accidentally brings a male escort for himself.
- Chris is very depressed because Jerry's daughter, Millicent, broke up with him. At one point, he concludes that he should love Jerry, since he shares 50% of her DNA, and then starts staring at him in a creepily intent way.
- Tom talking about the depressing music Chris is playing.
Tom: This sounds like the music from the end of a movie about a monk who kills himself!Chris: It is.
- Ron's increasing giddiness at the scavenger hunt Leslie prepared for Ben.
- When Ben is having trouble figuring out the 5-letter-word that opens the cryptex with the clue, both Andy and Ron ask if he tried a certain 4 letter word.
- Andy getting ready to crack open a display case with a crowbar to retrieve a clue for said scavenger hunt, then discovering he can get to it from the back. And then accidentally shattering the display case anyway.
- The clerk at the snow globe museum. He's introduced by turning customer's globe over and commenting "I don't know; it's working now."
- Andy's description of the song he's writing for Leslie's campaign:
Andy: It's like "We Are The World," except it can actually make a real impact on society.
- "I dig your groovy tunes, man!"
- Chris's completely mangled version of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."
- The reveal that Jerry was naturally born on a leap-year, and so has only had sixteen true birthdays in his life.
- Leslie is so frazzled by the combination of her campaign and her job that she forgets to invite Jerry to his own surprise party.
- Exasperated by Tom and Ann's antics, April hilariously◊ turns to drink.
- Jerry in the bath tub. With a glass of wine in his hand.
- To prove that Leslie is overextending herself, Ron brings up that she's worn the same sweater four days in a row. Leslie tries to claim she has multiple copies of the same sweater, but Ron brings up that she's had a lollipop stuck to it for several days. Leslie then claims that it is a new fashion called "lollipopping" and that "all the kids are doin' it".
- Andy thinking that Champion's leg grew back after Chris said that Champion was healthier than ever.
- Tom apparently owns more Uggs than Ann does.
- While Andy explains to Chris that Champion won't go anywhere if he lets him off the leash, Champion runs away.
- Leslie falls asleep on Jerry's shoulder, forcing Jerry to sit in the same place all night.
- When Leslie is trying on outfits for the interview.
Tom: Oh... It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex. And, since it's on the butt, there's other implications as well... So it's a maybe.
- Chris is reading an "inspirational" book about a woman with no limbs who tried to swim the English Channel:
April: That's impossible.Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.April: Cool.
- Drunk Leslie on Buddy's show was as hilarious as it was cringe-inducing.
- Leslie and Donna's reaction to Ben sarcastically suggesting setting Buddy's studio on fire:
Leslie: Aw, that's so sweet—I've never had a boyfriend threaten to commit arson for me before.Donna: Ah, it gets old.
- Ron the morning after having sex with Professor Linda.
Ron: (cheery) April, Andrew, good morning to you both! Donuts, go nuts. (giggles)
- After Andy repeats Ron's advice about facing problems head on back to him, claiming that "a very important person" told him that, he tells Ron that he just remembered that it was actually Ron who told him that.
- "Get back here and get your fucking cats out of there!"
- "These animals should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people."
- Andy pulling the ship out of one of Councilman Pillner's bottles.
- The cable is out and the donors to Leslie's campaign can't watch her televised debate, so Andy tries to keep them entertained by recreating scenes from his favorite movies, including Road House.
Andy: The guy has Swayze's head [grabs the neck of man in the audience] and says, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!" By the looks of this guy, this is not consensual sex we're talking about!
- The best part is that some of the audience, especially Donna, actually get into it.
- While preparing for the titular debate against Bobby Newport:
Ben: You've got this. You could debate Newport in your sleep.
Leslie: I have!
Ben: I know. We sleep in the same bed. It's been Hell.
- Chris' comment on the crushing disappointment that has been his love life for the past year:
Chris: This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor. Lots of disappointment. But, if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.
- And he says all of this with a large smile on his face.
- Leslie's speech has been so planned out that it runs the exact same length every time, and that Ben knows the exact point when the audience will laugh, and when there will be a 2 second awkward silence (after her really bad Rodney Dangerfield impressions).
- Andy slowly and methodically pieing Jerry in the face as part of his Warren Commission-style investigation of a mysterious pie thrower at one of Leslie's speeches.
- Andy's security code names for the Knope campaign team.
Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as "Eagle One". Ann, code name: "Been There, Done That". April is: "Currently Doing That". Donna is: "It Happened Once in a Dream". Chris, code name: "If I Had To Pick a Dude". Ben is: "Eagle Two."
Ben: Oh, thank god.
- Leslie's codename (I'd Be Lying If I Said I Hadn't Thought About It) is mentioned later in the episode.
- The best part is that Chris looks pleasantly flattered by his code name.
- And Donna's "yeah, that doesn't surprise me" look.
- Ron's reaction to Tom's plan to start crying to convince the van rental person to give them the vans they paid for.
- Leslie being taken completely off guard by a reporter asking for her comment on the death of Nick Newport.
Reporter: Can you comment on Nick Newport dying earlier today?
Leslie: He died? I... sad.
Reporter: Is that your official statement? "I sad"?
- Then, Leslie claims that her actual official statement was, "I would say that overall, that is...a bummer. And together we can work together to build a better Pawnee!" Which cues the dancers and the song "Get On Your Feet." Whoops.
- When Leslie asks for the people she trusts the most to gather close to her, Jerry takes a few steps back.
- "Ann, there's nothing harder in the entire world than having to say no to your beautiful face. But I'm going to. No!"
- Andy's method for unfreezing a computer is to blow on its screen and then knock it off the table.
- This compliment from Leslie to Ann:
Leslie: I've said this to you before, and I know it makes you uncomfortable—Ann: Oh, boy.Leslie: But you're thoughtful, and you're brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.
- "I've had the same haircut since 1978, and I've driven the same car since 1991. I've used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse."
- When Leslie starts laughing hysterically after Bobby Newport wins:
- Ben: Why are you laughing?Leslie: (smiling) Because my dream is dead.
- April lists one of her dream jobs as a dental hygienist who is also a medium, so that she can clean people's teeth and tell them when they are going to die.
Ms. Knope Goes To Washington
- This exchange:
- Leslie: And it was nice to see you again.Ben: ...Are you talking to my butt?Leslie: Yeah.
Ben: Can you come visit next month? We can take a proper tour of the sights.Leslie: Right now, there's only one sight I want to see right now.Ben: (sighs) All right, this is getting weird, but, uh, (turns around to show his butt to the camera) there it is.Leslie: I meant the Jefferson Memorial, you perv!Ben: (quickly turns around) Right. Sorry. I—I don't, uh, (Leslie laughs) I'm—I'm just...Wait, no, you didn't.Leslie: No, I didn't. Spin it around and back it on up.
- "Oh, look, a handgun!"
- Tom the pig having the same name as Tom Haverford.
Ron: I understand that this is hilarious, but that is his given Christian name.
- When Leslie and Ann confront the Sweetums/Paunch Burger PR lady about the sizes of the sodas. To elaborate: a "Little Swallow" is a puny cup, but five cents more gets you a "Small" (64-oz), a "Regular" is 128-oz,note and "Child-size" is 512-oz!
Leslie: How is this a "Child-size" soda?
Kathryn Pinewood: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child if the child were liquefied.
- Later, when discussing low-calorie options like Water Zero, which somehow manages to be 300 calories:note
Kathryn Pinewood: If you want zero-calorie water, try "Diet Water Zero Lite". It has only 60 calories.
- After Chris suggests a 311 line for Pawnee:
Andy: Chris, great idea!Chris: Thank you, Andy. I agree. I love this idea. And I love me for thinking of it. My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome, Chris. I sound insane. I'm gonna go talk to my therapist.
- Leslie's porpoise call.
- This line:
April: Hey, are you busy? And writing Star Trek fanfiction does not count.
- After two little girls demand that Ron and Andy ask their permission to work on the pothole in their kingdom:
Andy: (bowing) Your Highnesses, we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.
- Ben reading his Star Trek fanfiction.
Ben: "Data had never felt this way before. Of course, Data had never felt anything before. But Captain Picard couldn't help but note the smile that crept over his mechanical but life-like face."April: I'm gonna murder you.Ben: I understand. Just one second. "As they walked down the hall into the bridge..."
- Ben's assessment of April:
April: "She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have isn't terrifying."(Looks at April, who makes a throat slitting gesture mouthing "I'm going to kill you")
- Tom's tweets leading up to his car crash:
"9:18: 'Gotta pass this lady on the "ejkerjkj."' That's when I hit the fire hydrant. Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant."
- Tom's descriptions of certain emojis:
Tom: Emoji are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, "What up, boo?", you can type "What up", and then a cute little ghost, 'cause that means "boo." There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, "Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?"
- "I'm proud of you, but also a bit fearful that we are verging on what I call 'feelings' territory. so let's stare at the fire in silence."
- Marshall Langman's awful "Abstinence" rap.
- Perd is apparently no longer allowed inside Pier 1.
- Ben and April's imitations of the robotic Congressman.
- The camera zooming in on a man after his sex partner demands a condom demonstration because she didn't know where he's been.
- "What the hell just happened?"
- This conversation between Leslie and the real estate agent:
- Real Estate Agent: So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard.Leslie: But no trampoline room, correct?Real Estate Agent: Correct. Like all the houses in the world, there's no trampoline room.Leslie: Hmm.
- And then, after Leslie decides to lease the house, she and Ann start dancing to "Party Rock."
- Leslie and Ann try to scare Tom when he's coming out of the bathroom, but they accidentally scare Jerry instead.
- "Our Pawnee Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist, and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a preexisting condition."
- The banner for the fundraiser for Jerry's hospital bills from his heart attack says, "Jerry's Kids' Dad."
- While Morris is ranting at Donna for livetweeting Death Canoe 4:
Morris: What are you doing right now? I'm talking to you.Donna: I'm livetweeting this dumbass conversation.
- Leslie spontaneously deciding to offer a date with Ann at the auction, much the latter's horror.
- Chris getting upset about running out of Kleenex:
Chris: It's ended. Everything ends. (sobs)
- Jean-Ralphio's description of his past night:
Jean-Ralphio: Tommy T! You just missed the craziest of crazies! Clubs. Dancing. Girls. Naked. Mom? Argument. Police. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week cause (singing) technically I'm homeless~.
- Leslie's excitment over her engagement:
Leslie: "Ben and I are engaged! I want to shout it from the rooftops!"
- Ron and Ben's dad (played by Jonathan Banks a.k.a. Mike Ehrmantraut) both reaching for the last shrimp.
- Leslie's Adorkably Fangirly reaction to meeting Joe Biden.
- "Just call me Bond. Municipal Bond. ...Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm."
- "Fun fact: Ben just got an amazing accounting job. Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting. Un-fun fact: My uncle just had a stroke."
- Tom is roughly the size of an average Pawnee 12-year-old.
- Ben's Aside Glance when Tom says that he didn't see Entertainment 720's demise coming.
- "I can never tell if people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work."
- Orin's "Human Farm" show.
Orin: Moo. Moo.Leslie: Shut up, weirdo. Aren't you supposed to be a sheep?Orin: No. You are.
- The sign on the Pawnee-Eagleton border facing Eagleton says, "Now entering Pawnee. Good luck with that."
- "No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason. In 1988, we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help, and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home."
- Andy has the best timing:
Ben: Mr. St. James, this has been a strange day. But we wouldn't want to leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.Andy: (runs into the room) Have you guys seen Hitler?
- The amount of attempts it takes for Leslie to say "I'm sorry" to Wreston St. James.
- These lines after Andy finds Joey's mother:
Joey: Thank you for saving me, Andy! (to April) Thank you, too, Miss Hitler.Joey's Mom: (her smile fades) What?!April: Don't worry about it. (Joey's mom takes Joey and leaves quickly)
- Leslie also has excellent timing:
Ben: Maybe we can salvage this.Wreston: I would really love to, but what about Leslie? I just doubt that she can ever get over the bad blood between our towns.Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person.Leslie: REVENGE! (sprays whipped cream on Wreston's head) Ha ha ha! This is for Pawnee, you butt-faced pompous jerk! Whooooo! (Ben gives an Aside Glance)
- When Ann is preventing Tom, Donna, Andy and April from crashing Jerry's Christmas party, April tries to force her way into the house:
Ann: (holding her back) "You're so weak! I'm barely doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me check your pulse..."
Donna: "Heheheheeeee! Merry Christmas, bitches!"
- Donna's comment when Ann lets her in for doing something nice for Jerry.
- Everything Tammy 2 does; from flashing Ron her vagina while he's giving an acceptance speech onstage to chasing Leslie with an axe.
- "Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?"
- Ann and Leslie pressing the Abraham Lincoln stripper into helping them dig:
Stripper: "Can I go now?"Donna: (nonchalantly texting) "Uh uh. We paid for an hour, you're gonna dig for an hour."
- When the guys are thanking Chris for the bachelor parties, Andy gets distracted into a long, rambling fantasy involving him faking his death and Chris marrying April:
Andy: "...and I'm in a cave. Training. While you're living it up with my wife..."Ron: "Anyone else want to chime in?"
- Ken trolling people note .
- Ann offers him water.
Ken: Water? Like firewater? That's racist. And I do not appreciate it.Ann: [speaking fast] No no no no no. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, you know—Ken: (smiling) I'm just messing with you. [he and Ann laugh awkwardly] But seriously, I'll have a whiskey.
- Jamm backs down on the issue.
Leslie: In the spirit of fair play, I suggest we put on these authentic Wamapoke headdresses and dance around the table.Jamm: (appalled) Absolutely not. That sounds highly offensive.Ken: Does it, white man?Jamm: No. It's not offensive, so let's do it.Ken: You first.Jamm [putting on the headdress] So clearly, this is not offensive.Ken: It is offensive.Jamm: I'm very sorry.Ken: Take it off.
- Ann offers him water.
- "Are you posing? I don't have a photographer with me." "Google Earth, always taking pics."
- The fact that the male city councilors actually kept a calendar of the first female city councilor's menstrual cycles.
Milton: Ouch. Why so ornery? (pulls out calendar) It's not the 7th yet.
- Leslie finds out that they still do that to this day!
- The commission for gender equality ends up being all men.
- When Leslie points this out to the commission, Milton says, "There's one right next to you!" and points at Chris. When he corrects himself, saying that it's just a very beautiful man, Chris looks strangely flattered.
- This line from Diane's kids:
Jerry: "Hey girls!"One of Diane's kids: "No."
- "One problem with hiring women is that they're frail and breakable." "Is it possible you're talking about lightbulbs? Or your hip?"
- After learning that Diane's sitter is still out of town and that he has to babysit the girls again, Ron pours himself multiple glasses of whiskey.
- Tom's very sad attempts at playing basketball.
- This conversation:
Leslie: "April, let's go! We have some stereotypes to overcome!"April: "And some privacy to violate!"Leslie: "Yeah! (beat) Wait, no."
- Ann acting about the age of Diane's kids and getting them to join her in teasing Ron for loving Diane.
- "I LOVE NOTHING!" followed by Ron storming out of the room and Jerry giggling like a child.
- "There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."
- "Do you think [Shauna] will still like me, now that I'm dead?"
- Ron, Chris, and Ben suffering from food poisoning.
Ben: Chris... I'm dying.Chris: I was dying earlier today... then I died. Now I'm dead.
- While suffering food poisoning, the three wonder why Tom isn't there suffering along with them.
Ron: I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last twelve hours alone. He may have simply disappeared off the Earth.
- April's attempts at imitating Leslie when hosting public forums about Pawnee Commons:
April: (attempting a cheerful tone) "As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford, "Hillary Clinton is great!"April: "If you all would kindly look under your chairs, you will find a special surprise—a flyer with details about the project, and...friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you! So now, I guess we're park pals."
- Tom is revealed to not be sick, and it's because he didn't eat the calzones. He doesn't like dipping his food himself.
Tom: Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid!
"The calzones... betrayed me? Never again, guys. As God as my witness, they're dead to me."
- This ensuing line from Ben:
- "I'm also afraid the park will be noisy. And full of spiders. And dark at nighttime. I'm scared of a lot of stuff. Everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm Walter and I'm fine."
- "Besides, what is more cuterus than your uterus?"
- "Love... love fades away. But things? Things are forever."
- "First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cuz people always say, 'But he's got a great personality.'"
- Leslie's news anchor and doctor imitations on her fake news segment for the drill.
Ben: Oh God, Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today to promote the gala.
Ron: I'll do it.
Ben: No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV.
Ron: I can speak in full sentences and I won't cry.
Ben: Fair point. I did cry last time.
- The animal control guy is a bit too enthusiastic about killing birds...
- Andy's responses to the personality test questions:
Police officer: Scenario: You pull a car over for speeding. You find out that it's your father. How do you handle this situation?
Andy: Ooh... Well, first, I'd be like, "Dad...you're alive? What the hell? (officer facepalms) Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?
- Chris cheerfully saying, "I'm dead!" with a smile on his face.
- Ron taking calls on Pawnee Today when Joan passes out so Ron takes the calls:
Random caller: Hi, my Yorkshire terrier chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it in the scratches. That'll mask the scratches. The next thing you'll wanna do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a real dog because any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.
Ron: Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.
Ron: Your house isn't haunted, you're lonely.
Ron: What happened to, "Hey I have some apples, would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country!
Ron: I've seen three movies in my life: The Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie: Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny.
- Leslie's additional fake news segments in the credits.
- And the credits for that fake news segment has "Leslie Knope" credited for every single role as cast and crew.
- After Leslie agrees with Ben's plan to get married that very night after the gala ends, she immediately tells him that it's bad luck for them to see each other and tells him to not look at her until the wedding.
- Ben and Chris pick out some rings at a pawnshop and they turn out to be nipple rings. That belong to the pawnshop owner.
- Leslie tries to figure out how to finish her wedding dress by thinking of certain cinematic examples:
Leslie: How did Cinderella finish her dress so fast? (pause) Squirrels and birds.
Ann: That's not very helpful.
- Jerry pees himself out of excitement from learning that a Li'l Sebastian impersonator will show up at the gala.
Jerry: Third time this week!
- Leslie's reaction to the same Li'l Sebastian impersonator. (Added bonus: the lighting makes the Li'l Sebastian impersonator look like a ghost or an angel.)
- Chris: "I promised myself I wouldn't cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth."
- The tag showing how Ron made homemade wedding rings out of Ann's wall lamp.
Ron: People who buy things are suckers.
- Leslie gathers Anne, Ron, Chris and Donna to come up with jokes for her speech. Ann pitches and fails miserably
Leslie: Oh Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny; it's not your fault, you never had to compensate for anything. The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat!
- The WOOOOOORRRSSST! (gets close enough to Ben that he knocks him over. )
- Before that, Ben's horror as he realizes who Mona Lisa's related to.
- This exchange:
Jean-Ralphio: Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me. Even though, honestly, she's ♪ ♫ the wo-o-orst. ♪ ♫ She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot.
Tom: Of course. Got to keep it in the family.
Ben: Yeah, but does it have to be this family?
- "I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I am going to do."
- The "Too Big To Nail" porno film starring Brandi Maxxx as Leslie and her co-star "Dong Swanson".
- The entire opening scene.
- Brett explaining that they tried to turn a bird into a whistle like The Flintstones.
- The cage with a Possum with the label "Possum or Cat?"
- Chris, as usual, trying to be positive about it and trying not to dismiss animal control out of hand, then getting his foot caught in a coyote trap. Seeing normally chipper Chris utterly pissed is a sight to behold.
- Donna sending in who she believes is the most qualified applicant.
Harrison: I'm Harrison, I have one testicle - Whack-A-Mole accident - I have my cousin's truck for two more weeks, and I'm down to clown."
Chris: Harrison, I literally just fired you.
Harrsion: (completely surprised) Oh, is this that job?
Leslie: Donna, why did you think he was the most qualified for the job?
Donna: He was one of only two applicants with actual animal control experience.
Leslie: Two? Wait, does that mean...
Brett: My name is Brett, I like burgers and I am very high right now.
- The creepy guy asking about the spaying tools.
- Orin's application:
Leslie: Hello, Orin; thank you for applying. Now leave.
- Followed by his interview:
April: What makes you qualified for animal control?
Orin: I studied zoology in college. And I can control animals with my mind.
Leslie: Get out.
Orin: I made you say that.
- Ron's whole medical examination.
Ann: Do you have a history of mental illness in your family?Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
- Patton Oswalt's turn as Garth Blundin begins with a filibuster focused on his proposal for The Force Awakens, which devolves into a Massive Multiplayer Crossover between Star Wars and the Marvel Comics universe (including The Avengers, Spider-Man, X-Men and Fantastic Four). The uncut version needs to be seen to be believed.
[After seven minutes and thirty-four seconds straight of talking] I literally have no fluid in my mouth, I gotta do a Marco Rubio, can we please cut?
- The producers had asked him just to ramble a bit on whatever subject he wanted. He delivered the above filibuster in one take, improvising from start to finish.
- Fittingly, the first person to leave the meeting? Chris Pratt, whose future character was never mentioned during the filibuster despite the direct tie to Thanos.
- The producers had asked him just to ramble a bit on whatever subject he wanted. He delivered the above filibuster in one take, improvising from start to finish.
- In the same episode, Ben and Ann are in a war to get Leslie a gift for Breakfast Day/Waffle Day. In desperation, Ann tries to make a Leslie doll out of breakfast food. When Ben offers a compromise, Ann asks what she should do with the doll:
Ben: Uh... burn it and bury the ashes and hope that it doesn't haunt you.
- When Leslie is invited to have breakfast with the Gergiches, and we're treated to the family happily singing a cheesy little pre-breakfast song together. Leslie being utterly jarred by how perfect Jerry's personal life is compared to how he is in the office sells it.
- Chris shouting encouragement to everyone he sees on the mini golf course, including a duck swimming by in the pond.
Chris: Way to be, duck!
- Leslie's reaction to Ron and Diane's wedding.
- Ron's attempts to get off the grid being foiled by the fact that Tom and Donna had been doing an album of his quest on Facebook all day. Ron promptly, and justifiably freaks out... and gets recorded by Donna's phone.
Ron: The world is a nightmare!
- How does Leslie know the apples in Pawnee are pesticide-free? She found a worm in one that she ate this morning.
- Leslie's potshots at Eagleton, while petty, are both immensely satisfying given the stunts that the Eagletonians have pulled in the past and absolutely hilarious.
Leslie: Well, I'll tell you what I'd do if I was an Eagletonian: I'd pop a Xanax and ask my butler to help me out. I mean, I'm not saying that Eagletonians are out of touch, but when you tell them it's time to change their oil, they ask, "Extra virgin or white truffle?" Thanks, guys, I'll see you at the gameóunless, of course, you're an Eagletonian, then you'll be too busy polishing your monocle at the caviar store! Knope out!
- At the end of the episode, Leslie and Ingrid discuss the bets on the titular basketball game:
Leslie: All of Pawnee's apples have been recalledóG. coli.Ingrid: ...Don't you mean "E. coli"?Leslie: I wish. Way easier to treat. Welcome to Pawnee!
- Ann tries to soften the blow of announcing her intention to leave Pawnee to Leslie... by immediately distracting her with a plate of J.J. Diner's waffles. And then with a picture of a shirtless Joe Biden riding on a horse.
- This exchange between Ron and his Eagleton counterpart when they're introducing themselves:
Ron Swanson: Ron.
Ron Dunn: Ron.
Ron Swanson: What's your last name?
Ron Dunn: Dunn.
Ron Swanson: Is that your last name or are you telling me you're finished talking?
Ron Dunn: Both.
Ron Swanson: Dunn and done.
- "She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her."
- April imitating her Eagleton counterpart, the vapid Tynnyfer.
- "What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand?"
- Leslie attempting to use Ann's Eagletonian counterpart, Evelyn, to replace Ann. It doesn't work very well.
- April tricking Tynnyfer into breaking into Dwayne Wade's house.
- Chris and Ben explaining their system:
Chris: When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system.Ben: Chris pumped everyone up and made them feel positive and happy, and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons.Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. "You're all amazing"!Ben: You're all fired!Chris: Teamwork!
- April appropriating the thousands of question mark stickers that Leslie printed out, saying that she's going to put them on stop signs. They then show up everywhere throughout the episode and beyond.
- Tom's incredibly fake British accent that he puts on to impress Nadia.
- This exchange between Ron and Ben:
Ben: Whoa, I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.
Ron: Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder in my hands is far deadlier than this bow in yours.
Ben: (scoffs) Oh, that's... probably true.
- Another exchange between Ron and Ben, regarding Ron's will:
Ron: I've had the same will since I was eight years old. (hands Ben his will)Ben: (reading Ron's will) "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?Ron: The man who kills me will know.
- "I'm both confused, and, if we're being totally honest, a little aroused."
- Perd Hapley is not good at naming things:
Perd: I'm here live at the press conference where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss a government scandal we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until we can find a snappier name for it.
- This talking head from Tom:
Tom: I am in love with Nadia Whatever-her-last-name-is, and I'm gonna keep her here using the most powerful weapon I have: bureaucratic incompetence.
- Nadia's increasing bewilderment at the weirdness of the Pawnee Parks Department Office.
Nadia: What is this place?
- Bill Dexhart apparently keeps up with Donna's tweets.
Dexhart: Before we begin, let me first say that I am a big fan of your writing.
Donna: (weirded out) ...Thank you.
Dexhart: It's good stuff. Reeeeeally good stuff. (Donna makes an even more weirded out face)
- Chris's observations about Donna's hashtags:
Chris: It appears as if "#BitchBoss is a way for her to blow off her frustration, while #BossBitch is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun?! It's like racquetball! For your mouth.
- Ron explaining what worries him so much about his will:
- This exchange between Ron and Ben:
Ben: Look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids, what matters is that you teach them the right values. But if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net just so that they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar that gores you to death. (walks out)
Ron: (beat) (mutters) I'm not gonna lose to a boar.
- Ben's reaction to Leslie filibustering in roller-skates:
Ben: (awed) "I know this is a dire situation, but I swear to God, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me..." (takes out a camera)
- Tom's reasoning for not becoming a pro skeeball player:
Tom: I didnít want to be a cliché. Yet another professional Indian skeeball player?
- Ron's reaction to losing the hunting game at the bowling alley:
Ron: Iím not a sore loser. Itís just that I prefer to win, and when I donít, I get furious. Employee!
- ďTogether, we truly did steal a bear from your pregnant friend.Ē
- Ben and Ann decided on a hand signal for when Leslie seems to need emotional support:
Ben: It's loosely based on the Klingon greeting salute.
Ann: I just learned that, and if I had known, I would not have agreed to it.
- This exchange between Joan Callamezzo and Annabel Porter:
Joan: Can I just say — and I think this is really important, so I need everyone to shut up — I love your hair.
Annabel: Oh. Thank you. It's genetic and unattainable.
- Chris crashing into mirrors twice when trying to leave after an unsuccessful attempt to cheer up April.
- "Ann, you poetic and noble land mermaid, you're right once again."
- "Fluoride is used by the communists to try and control our minds."
- After Leslie realizes that, since she's already going to be kicked out of office, she can act as rudely to the Pawnee citizens as she wants:
Leslie: Why did it take me so long to realize this? There are no consequences to my actions anymore! No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. Senator.
- April's description of the website with pictures of dogs up for adoption:
April: If you can look at that site and not want to take home 50 dogs, you're basically a war criminal.
- The names of the parenting books Chris has read:
- Are You Gonna Crawl My Way? by Lenny Kravitz
- Rad Dads by Anton Ohno and Shaun White
- Craig's reaction to Donna's spot-on picking of a spirit dog for April:
Craig: That was so spot-on it was scary. I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. No! An hour! A full hour!
- Ron's reasoning for liking Moby Dick:
Ron: I hate metaphors. Thatís why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No frou-frou symbolism. Just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.
- How Leslie and Tom manage to convince Pawnee to choose fluoridated drinking water over the sugar packed Drink-Ems:
Tom: (cutting off Leslie's speech about the ingredients in Drink-Ems) I don't know about y'all, but Drink-Ems seems pretty boring to me, not like H-2-Flow.
Leslie: Excuse me, I have several binders with very important data that I need to get through.
Tom: Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you swallowed a teaspoon of hush. Think of H-2-Flow as an app for your teeth. The more Flow you take in, the more Sparkle Points you get. Get enough Sparkle Points, and you're well on your way to your first Aqua Badge. Collect enough Aqua Badges, and we'll welcome you to the H-2-Flow Platinum Club.
- Ben has a coworker at the accounting firm he now works at who hates him because Ben was so highly praised:
Coworker: (after Ben gets a particularly tough case) So, let's see what you got, genius.
Ben: (to camera) If I'm murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two guys. (points and looks at his boss and his coworker who are both watching him through his office window. His boss waves, Ben waves back, smiling, and then turns back to the camera, when his smile immediately turns into a weirded-out grimace)
- On his note to Tom after the sale of Rent-A-Swag is finalized, Dr. Saperstein writes "Flip to the other side" on both sides. Later, when he's on the phone with his lawyer:
Saperstein: Is it done? Well how many times did he turn the paper over? Oh... that is disappointing.
- Ben tries to get a singing telegram delivered to Leslie to comfort her about giving up her seat in city council:
Ben: Well, my wife lost her job, so maybe something sad and slow. Do you know anything from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?
- "Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge."
- Ann demanding her appetizers from a waitress:
Ann: I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy, so if you don't bring out our appetizers in the next thirty seconds, I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep-fryer!
- "Okay, got [an idea]. Macaroni and poison. It's like mac and cheese, but with a special ingredient."
- "Do you think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I hope so."
- After Leslie announces to everyone that she'll be running for election to the city council again, and asks for input:
April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into The Joker. But that probably means you probably shouldn't do it.
Andy: I don't know Leslie; it seems risky, and I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong. I haven't pooped in three days.
- When Ann and Chris go to Dr. Saperstein's house to ask about the sex of their baby, Jean-Ralphio starts hitting on Ann:
Jean-Ralphio: Hey, what's up, beautiful? Jean-Ralphio. I live in the guest house. What do you say you and I get together in a special way?
Ann: I'm pregnant.
Jean-Ralphio: The more the merrier.
Chris: With my baby.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, you can come, too, beautiful. Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men "beautiful" too. I guess I'm (singing) open-minded as hell! And I think you're pretty good-looking.
Chris: Thank you.
- After Tom tells Ron about becoming Pawnee's business liaison:
Ron: I donít like French words. I do like the word "business." You may continue.
- "You can trust me because I don't care enough about you to lie."
- Following Leslie's anticlimactic resignation speech:
Perd Hapley: "There you have it: a shockingly un-shocking press conference in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance. I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized I'm not holding my microphone."
- Ron's reaction to getting the government employee of the month award from Leslie He leaps over his desk, snatches the plaque, then is shown cutting it to pieces with a buzzsaw, then burning the pieces in a bonfire, then driving all the way to Illinois to bury the ashes. After which he salts the earth.
- Andy protecting April from a swarm of bees by getting to her under his sweater and claiming he got stung by a bee before and therefore "immune".
"Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!"
- Jamm getting stung in the mouth. Cause he was laughing at everyone getting stung.
- Ben spends all of that episode helping Tom set up his new business proposal. Then, at the very end after Tom thanks him:
Ben: "Now, go do work or I'm firing you. I'm not kidding."
- Leslie's version of the Five Stages of Grief:
Leslie: Luckily for me, I've processed my feelings, and I've gone through the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, Internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.
- This exchange between Leslie and Ingrid DeForest when Ingrid is sympathizing with Leslie about her being kicked out of office:
Ingrid: This must be hard for you. It's like Itís like what Sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld: "Parting is such sweet sorrow."
Leslie: Oh my God, what is your life?
- The reveal that Orin is the one inside the Easter Bunny costume, followed by him instantly snapping back into the bunny's improbably merry character when Leslie tells him to. The split-second shot we see of Orin waving and strutting around before the cutaway is gold.
- Larry gushes over Ann, praising her and Chris and expressing hope for their future in a very sweet little speech, and Ann thanks him with neutral, slightly impatient appreciation. Then Ron steps up and, in about ten words, expresses that it was mildly pleasant knowing Ann. Switch to Ann to show her choking up with emotion at Ron's extremely understated farewell... and then pan out to Larry, also in tears over the tender moment.
- April suggests Orin as the headlining act to the Unity Concert:
April: I think we should book Orin as a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer. Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel. The Pawnee Journal called it, "Why would anyone do this?"
Leslie: Stop suggesting Orin.
- Craig really doesn't like Jackson Pollock-esque paintings.
Craig: 14 local artists have signed up to show their work. It was going to be 15, but then this one guy described himself as "Jackson Pollock-esque" and I told him that's fingerpainting for adults and I HATE IT!
- "The Pawnee-Eagleton merger has made for a rough year, both for me and for the town. But if I can pull off this Unity Concert and prove that this merger was a success, Pawnee might once again tolerate-slash-ignore me. (beat) I know that sounds bad, but for a politician, it's pretty much the best case scenario."
- Larry's reactions to Leslie suddenly displaying posters congratulating the committee for being ahead of schedule.
- "Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John [Middle Name Redacted] Swanson. John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father, he is a fan of silence."
- Tom and Ben's talking heads segment where they discuss their meeting with local bigwigs to sponsor the Unity Concert:
Tom: I'm gonna do what I do best—lock down deals. And dork-a-saurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff.
Ben: (hurt) You said you genuinely valued my business acumen. Also, I'm your boss.
- "In the time I've worked here, I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work. I can't think of anything more beautiful to share with my son."
- Ron then notices a broken radiator and comments that he could fix it if he had a toolbox. He then sees a toolbox and is very elated.
- "If all goes well, this may be one of the last times I ever have to speak with you. Come with me, I need your help."
- After bees come out of the busted wall, Andy tells April he can protect her because he's apparently immune to bee stings.
Andy: Don't worry babe, I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees! It does nothing!
- Craig flips out after a conversation between Leslie and April that he interprets as an argument.
Craig: Aaagh! I can't handle all this FIGHTING! It's like Thanksgiving 2004 all over again, DON'T EVEN ASK! (storms out, then peeks back in) SOMEBODY FOLLOW ME, I'M DISTRAUGHT!
- Tom gets gifts for Donna and April for helping him out with planning Tom's Bistro, his restaurant venture. He gives Donna a pair of shoes and he gives April a Larry voodoo doll.
April: A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet, thanks.
Larry: (hits his head on a cart) Ow, oh my gosh!
April: I didn't even do anything! The voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.
- Leslie apparently has a weird Julia Roberts cameraman husband fantasy.
- Andy's reaction to finding out that Ron is Duke Silver.
- "Okay, I know we should figure out how to fix this. But I'm starting to get kind of turned on imagining you as a dictator, is that bad?"
- Andy's secrets:
Andy: I don't know who Al Gore is, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big, scientists did experiments on me. I once threw a beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.
- Ann's voicemail to Leslie:
Ann: Listen to me very carefully: I have not been taken. I know that's always your first fear when I'm not available, but this is not a Liam Neeson Taken scenario.
Leslie: That's exactly what they'd make you say.
Ann: Also, no one's making me say this. I am a free woman, un-Taken, simply going about my business. I just have to run. Something came up. I love you, and I'll call you later.
- Shauna Malwae-Tweep's sad life stories.
Shauna: I just got back from a solo trip to Rome. I was gonna go with my boyfriend, but he couldn't come because he decided to stay with his wife.
Shauna: I am writing a memoir based on my blog. It's called Tweeping Up Appearances and it's about my journey to find happiness by smiling through the pain.
- "You shut your mouth! You have all the strengths!"
- This recording April put in the bunny she and Donna gave to Leslie:
Bunny: (in April's voice) I'm just an impartial bunny, but I think Ann sucks. Also, (in deep voice) I'm the Zodiac Killer.
- Tom's elaborate way of deciding whether a song is a banger:
Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger? How many beats per minute? How many drops? How dope are the drops? Were any acoustic instruments used? If so, it is not a banger. I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my entire computer just to be safe.
- Orin pretending to be April's mom, and Champion role-playing as April's dad.
- Donna is apparently making her date wait in the car:
Donna: (to April) Itís always better to be direct.
Donna's date: Hey girl, you ready to go?
Donna: I thought I told you to wait in the car.
Donna's date: Yeah...
- "Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships."
- "I listen to music on C Ds. It's the way music was meant to be heard."
- "He's 33 and I'm 47/immortal."
- Ben tries discussing his problems with Ron, but Ron isn't being a good listener.
Ben: You know, you are a wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you, but you're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.
Ron: Thank you, friend. (pats Ben on the shoulder) That really means a lot to me.
- Drunk Ben. Just... everything drunk Ben does.
- This exchange between Leslie and Andy when they decide to convince a Land Ho member to reunite the band:
Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.
- "I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same, and if you pay more than $5 on wine, then you are very stupid."
- Towards the end of the episode, Craig says that he was participating in the wine tasting competition because he wanted to work at Tom's Bistro. Tom agrees to hire him, if he can meet one condition:
Tom: Look, man, you know your stuff, but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES if I have to!
- Following up on that is a test where Craig is taking the orders of Tom, April, and Donna to test his restraint. He succeeds, but the second he is out of the room...
Craig: What kind of MONSTER orders red [wine] with fish??? I know they're messing with me and it's just a test but HAVE SOME DECENCY!!!
- April's test order:
"I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please."
- April's test order:
- Everything Ron Dunn says in this episode, especially his interactions with drunk Ben.
Ben: Dude... are you a ghost?
Ron Dunn: Am I?
Ben: What is happening right now!?
- Andy's ridiculous made-up secrets that he tries to pass off as the real secret to April in order to get her to stop asking him what the secret he knows is.
- "It's what we doctors callóand I don't mean to be insensitiveóa 'going-out-of-business' sale."
- Leslie apparently got a scholarship for college entitled, "The Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like to Read."
Leslie: Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blonds Who Like To Read! It's now called the Virginia Woolf Prize... different time.
- "This is the hardest I've worked on anything since... Wow. I've never worked hard on anything. What a cool life!"
- Leslie's reaction to meeting Michelle Obama.
- The Saperstein siblings believing that a meeting at 9:00 AM is a night-time foursome (along with Tom and Craig). Mona-Lisa is not only OK with the fact that her brother is part of it, she seems upset that the meeting is not an orgy.
- Then the following exchange between Jean-Ralphio and Craig where Jean-Ralphio compliments Craig's energy and asks him to go Go-Kart Racing followed by Craig's suggestion to go horseback riding which Jean-Ralphio agrees with.
- Jean-Ralphio bragging about his house arrest.
Check it out, two ankle monitors! Judge says it's the first time he's ever had to do that. Ya boy's a question on the state bar exam!
- Hologram Li'l' Sebastian
- "Damn Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?"
- This exchange between Ron and Leslie:
Ron: Of course, I'd prefer it if you used your talents elsewhere. You know, with your courage and your small frame, you'd make an excellent coal miner.
Leslie: Thank you, Ron. That's very sweet.
- In the extended cut of the episode, Diane and Ron scheme a way to get Tammy 2 and Jeremy Jamm together, and it works out perfectly.
Ron: (tearfully) They're going to make each other so miserable!
- "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THEY'RE AWFUL AND HORRIFYING AND I LOVE THEM!"
- The Time Skip at the end has two fantastic ones.
Andy: How many bags of marshmallows do I give them?
- Jon Hamm as an employee of Leslie's she fires who apparently was somehow worse than Larry.
- Andy and April babysitting Leslie and Ben's triplets
- Andy's attempt at editing "Sex Hair" for a children's party:
Andy: YOU GOT SEX BEARS! YOU GOT EM FROM ME KIDS! SEX BEARS! BIG OLE SEX BEARS!
- Not to mention April's quietly exasperated reaction as she points out to him that "Hair" wasn't the word in the song that needed editing.
- The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show. That is all.
- "NINJAAAS ATTAAACK!!!"
- "Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron have more money? I have the most valuable currency in America: A blind, stubborn belief that what I am doing is 100% right!"
- Ron decided to name his construction company... "Very Good Building And Development Company." Classic Ron.
Ron: I wanted a name that described the quality of our product, but without being flashy.
- Tom still has an amazing lack of self awareness.
Tom: (while saying a speech for a gala commemorating Ben) People come up to me and they say things like, 'Tom, given all that you've accomplished, is it hard to stay humble?' (Ben gives an exasperated Aside Glance at the camera) And I say... not for me. I'm pretty amazing at being humble.
- Tom and Ben sobbing together after Tom starts reading the actual introduction speech he wanted to read for Ben.
- The amazingly creepy house owner April and Andy meet. Played by Werner Herzog for added hilarity.
- "After sixty-six years of living here, I've decided to sell zis house so I could move to Orlando, and be closer to Disney Vorld."
- "It's worth it, and you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right, and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals."
- Ben being horribly uncomfortable during his and April's visit to the mortician.
- Joan Callamezzo has gone batshit insane over the time skip. The result is comedy gold.
- "She once gave every member of her audience a car. One car, that they had to fight over."
- Cut to a shot of a large brawl breaking out around a sports car.
- Joan believing she was in Gotham City during her speech, including thanking Commissioner Gordon.
- After a rather heartfelt speech on dreams we get this lovely piece of Mood Whiplash. "Now here's why I think America should have a Purge night..."
- Now that Joan's utterly lost it, April absolutely adores her.
- The title of Joan's tell-all memoir is called Genius A'Flame: Joan Callamezzo: A Portrait in Words: Game of Joans.
- "She once gave every member of her audience a car. One car, that they had to fight over."
- Leslie's dead-on Tammy impersonation.
- "Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along."
- Ron starts undoing Tammy's brain-washing by offering Jamm one of his gold bars if he says something bad about Tammy. Seeing Jamm caught in-between his desire for Tammy and his usual greed is hilariously pathetic.
- Ron urging Jamm to wear a rather large homemade chastity belt.
- Ron comparing going against Tammy to going to war, capped off with his statement that, "Tammy does not abide by the Geneva Convention."
- "She's a demonic sociopath ... with excellent cleavage. "
- Andy lies that he's moving to Chicago to cover for him and Tom drunkenly taking a cab there to see Tom's ex, Lucy. Then Andy slowly convinces himself that he's actually moving there, and increasingly begins to regret it.
- Tammy stripping stark naked in a public library, in a last-ditch effort to seduce Jamm. Leslie protests, only to get shushed by one of the librarians, the implication being that the librarians are used to Tammy stripping naked in the library, but raise your voice above a whisper? Noooo.
- The fact that Tammy 2 has never even had sex with Jamm; she does, however, let him rub up against her leg sometimes.
- The museum dedicated to William Henry Harrison has so much difficult in trying to fill the museum with stuff about his life (since his presidency was so short) it has spaces dedicated to hypotheticals, other things that were famous for a month, and other famous Harrisons.
- One of Annabel's new "in" things right now is... beef milk. As in, regular milk that comes from cows. No one seems to notice this but Ron.
- Ben goes so berserk just trying to get the forms signed by both Leslie and Ron that he starts wondering if he's a ghost stuck in some kind of notary purgatory.
- Leslie trying to get Ron to talk to her. These include:
- Blowing a fan on him.
- Chinese water torture, done with a drinking straw dripping on his moustache.
- Covering Ron entirely with Post-It notes, and then pushing and spinning him around in his swivel chair all over the office.
- Insulting Ron's woodcarving, and wood in general.
- Singing along to "We Didn't Start The Fire" without knowing all the lyrics.
Harry Truman was a guy
- The lyrics themselves.
America, Red China
Other countries, other people, everyone is fun
Joe Montana, Ian McKellan, I have to buy a new toaster
This is awesome, you're so stupid, jumping up and down
Freddy Kruger bought some pants
Oprah's got a turtle farm
Peter Piper pee-pee poopie
Daddy ate a squirrel!
- That last one is what causes Ron to crack.
- Desperate to get out of the office, Ron pulls on a fire alarm, only to turn on the sprinklers. Leslie explains that the fire department disconnected that alarm because April was pulling it all the time.
- Looking for dry clothes afterwards, Ron could only find Craig's yoga clothes. When the door opens at the end, Craig complains that Ron's wearing out the elastic.
- Ron attempting to use the land mine Leslie gave him with a jury rigged detonator to blow up the door. His crazed tone is what really sells it:
Ron: "As an American citizen being held against his will, it's my constitutional right to BLOW UP THIS FUCKING DOOR!"
Leslie: "Well, there was no swearing in the Constitution."
- The result: the reveal that the mine was inactive and only had a balloon and streamers inside. Ron is mortified he had a toy on his desk for years, while Leslie is surprised Ron thought he had an active weapon on his desk.
- Ron is shown whittling something during the first few hours. After getting mad at Leslie, it is revealed what he was whittling...
Leslie: You made a key?(Ron enters his old office and closes the door.)
- The rest of the crew comes to check on them the next morning and find Ron and Leslie dancing and singing along to "We Didn't Start the Fire", while Ron (somehow) is playing the sax.
- Andy and his little ninjas crawling across the floor to threaten Feinstein. Him acting like a ninja master, and how the children follow him really sells it. Even Feinstein is impressed by the coordination.
- At the end of the episode, Andy and his ninjas return to cover Feinstein's office with toilet paper. Their escape, however, is spoiled when he finds out that he's lost one of the kids.
- It's discovered the Gryzzl corporation was able to distract Ben from noticing that they added a revision to their contract allowing them to data mine Pawnee by doing it on December 18, 2015, the premiere date of Star Wars Episode VII:
- The Perdple Court. Hosted, of course, by Perd Hapley. Every time he calls himself a judge, a graphic informs the viewers that he is not a real judge. At the end he loses his "judge hammer".note , and he ends the proceedings with "Tap, tap, tap. Case ended."
- A subtle one, but Craig's therapist Dr. Richard Nygaard is the same one that Chris visited!
- Drunken Ben and Leslie and the aftermath, beginning in full force simply with Adam Scott's delivery of the line "I'm drunk!":
April: You want me to shut that down?Donna: No, I like it. Let the little man dance.
- Their awkward, drunken dancing:
Ben: Last night was so fun, but my head... died.
- The hangovers:
Ben: We called Jen, didn't we?Leslie: Yeah, we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times.
- What, exactly, their myriad phone shenanigans involved:
Jen: I love that song.
- Later, Jen tells them he actually called her four times and outlined highly specific policy decisions... while Leslie belts out "867-5309" in the background.
Jen: Oh, you guys are gonna fit in so great in Washington; most of Congress is drunk all of the time.
- Her reaction seals it:
- The introduction of Donna's oft-mentioned brother, LeVondrias. Played by Questlove. They had a falling out over a microwave and popcorn.
LeVondrias: (smashes microwave on dance floor) "Now no one gets popcorn!"
- There are some gems from Ben and April's conversation in the first scene:
Ben: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I know what's going on in your head.April: Oh, well, then welcome to the terror dome.Ben: Okay, you need to tell Leslie that you want to leave your job.April: No! She freaks out when anything changes. One time, Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.Ben: Okay, well, I can't keep your secret much longer; any time your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored.April: So you talk for one second?
- When Ben suggests that Leslie will handle it well, April tests it by suggesting to Leslie that she change the font on the itinerary and Leslie promptly freaks out.
- Andy's phone call to Ben:
Andy: Yeah, Ben Wyatt, please? Tell him it's Count Chocula. (pauses) Uh, no, it's Andrew Dwyer. I'm sorry.
- While walking around Ron's business offices, Andy and Ben are introduced to the VP, a bearded fellow with a similar body type named Don Swanson.
Ron: "Yes. I have a brother. One brother." (waves off two other bearded men in the background)Andy: "You worked for all those years at the Parks Department and never told us you had a brother?"Don: "You worked for the Parks Department?"Ron: "TOUR OVER!"
- Andy decides to go the extra mile to help April get a consulting job at Ben's old Accounting Firm. The end result is Andy, in a creepy cutout April mask, throwing firecrackers everywhere shouting "USA! USA!"
- Elise Yartkin from the Indiana Organization of Women comes to Ben and Leslie's house to question why Leslie changed her mind and decided to participate in the Pie-Mary, and threatens to hold a protest if Leslie does participate in this misogynistic tradition. Unfortunately, Ben has the worst timing:
Leslie: Elise, there is no bigger defender of gender equality than Leslie Knope, and my husband, Ben, is a progressive champion of women's rights.
Ben: Babe, the oven's ready. Chop-chop! Time to get baking! Daddy want pie!
- Andy teasing April about having a crush on him... even though they're married.
Andy: Oh babe! You had a crush on me! That's embarrassing.
April: We're married.
- Ron's excitement over the scavenger hunt to find where April hid his spare key while hopped up on painkillers.
- Gary loses his wedding ring in the grate, again. Then he drops his keys. Then after telling Donna about what happened, he mentions that if he lost his replacement wedding ring, he'd be in big trouble. Right after holding up the replacement wedding ring to show Donna, he drops it.
- The fake commercials:
Ron: Use Very Good Construction Company for all your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. (long pause) End of commercial.
- Ron's ad for Very Good Construction, particularly the long pause as he waits out the end of the commercial's running time.
Announcer: What's in it? Who cares! How many calories does it have? Shut up! Put it in your body or you're a nerd!
- The Wamapoke Casino ad highlighting Coinsy the Wolf, a slot machine with a giant wolf's head on top. Their motto is "Taking our money back from white people, one quarter at a time."
- Paunch Burger, which makes no bones about how unhealthy their food is.
- Verxxotlenote : One of America's eight companies.
- Andy and April losing the animal they brought in for the kids to watch.
Andy: Okay kids, so be on the lookout for a... what's it called?April: A Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula. Also known locally to Venezuelans as the Devil's Fist. Bye kids!
- The implication that this is a regular occurrence.
- The out-of-nowhere cameo by John Cena. Who then admits that when he read the description about Andy, he assumed Andy was a ten-year-old kid.
- April's Big "NO!" when Ben chooses Garry to be interim mayor.
- April giving birth on Halloween while wearing zombie make-up. When her OB-GYN Dr. Saperstein, tries to get a nurse to wipe it off, she yells:
"No! I want it on! That's the whole point! I put this makeup on after I went into labor!"
- After losing his Tom's Bistro franchise, Tom views a documentary of his past failures. Which he made and narrated himself.
- Lucy's comment that "Who knew the nation would run out of beef?"
- Tom's self-help book is titled "Failure: An American Success Story". And its follow-up "Failure 2: Fail at Failing."
- At Garry's funeral, he is given the Notary Society's highest honor - a 21 stamp salute.
- Gayle not aging a day, even as she reaches 100.
- To top things off, the gravestone is misspelled.
- Ben has created a sequel to his board game "Cones of Dunshire", which a reviewer has described as "punishingly intricate".
- Chris shows Leslie his wrist-held health scanner.
Chris: I scan myself literally fifty times a day.
Leslie: Aren't you worried you might get cancer?
Chris: I am now.
- When Leslie learns that Ann and Chris are visiting, she begins babbling about Ann being there before pushing Ben away and hugging Ann. Chris and Ben then wander off, since Leslie and Ann are going to be hugging for a while.
- Andy genuinely believing that Chris was actually called Chip, having forgotten his name since he moved away in 2014.
- Andy mistaking April's asking for Ron and Donna to keep quiet that she's pregnant again as April asking them to keep the noise down because the unborn child is sleeping.
- When Leslie notices that her daughter is sitting and talking with Ann's son, she immediately hopes they fall in love. Ann warns her not to seem too approving. Leslie agrees, then gives her daughter a big smile and a thumbs up.
- From The Producers Cut:
- As usual, everything involving Jean-Ralphio.
- "Yeah I'm injured! I've got a terminal case of get me to the front of the line at Six Flags!"
- The fact Tom high fives him for this.
- "I'll be sad to see you go. because I've finagled my way onto your family phone plan and that ends today."
- He then asks Leslie, "Will you do me one final kindness? Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam but then we fall in love for real!"
- Leslie wishes Jean-Ralphio a long life. Gilligan Cut to his funeral five years later. Followed by the reveal that he faked it for the insurance. And then he's discovered!
- After serving for two terms as governor of Indiana, Leslie receives her doctorate from the Indiana University, who reveal that they're naming their library after her. In a great callback to the parks department's rivalry with the library dept, Leslie says through a fake smile under her breath:
"A (bleep)ing library?!"
- A blink-and-you'll-miss-it joke, but Brandi Maxxxx at one point becomes the Pawnee City Council president in the future. Especially hilarious because she ran for the same city council spot that Leslie ran for in season 4.
- We get to briefly see a picture of Ron's kids in the future. The girls are happy and smiling but his son is as stoic as a Swanson man should be.
- Whenever Ron mentions a location where his gold has been buried or hidden, he offers a Suspiciously Specific Denial that it is no longer in that location.
- Every single time that other people yell at Jerry tends to be a Crowning Moment of Funny.
- Anything with April's creepy friend, Orin. Especially him creeping Ben out during "April and Andy's Fancy Party".
Ben: No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?
- * The old guy in the sleeveless t-shirt's appearances.
Old Man: I picture a park with rides and sexy cartoon characters. I call it Disney Land.Leslie: How did you get in here?Old Man: Broke a window.
- His meeting with Leslie when she's trying to find anything she can to get the Newport Land.
Old Man (Showing up out of nowhere): I'll help. (Startles everyone else)Leslie: Where did you come from?Old Man: Came through the sewer.
- When Leslie and Co are in the decrepit district of Pawnee April and Andy live in and announces she has a plan.
- Bidding 50 dollars on the Red Hot Chili Peppper's guitar... and then trying to wipe the signature off.
- "That's my slogan... "Who needs a slogan" and then a picture of him flipping everyone off.
- The way Pawnee citizens drink from drinking fountains by putting their whole mouth around the spout!
- "Burt Macklin, FBI." Any and all of his appearances.
- Citizens of Pawnee and their complaints to the city government, current up to mid-season 5.
Woman: I found a sandwich in one of your parks and I wanted to know why it didn't have mayonnaise!
Ron snorts with laughter.
Woman: What's so funny?
(A different woman, holding a malformed clay cup and talking to Ron)
Woman: I made this in one of your pottery classes. It's terrible! (Smashes it on the floor)
- One popular outtake from "Born and Raised": after Andy (as Burt Macklin) steals Leslie's birth certificate and "some dude's briefcase", he throws the briefcase away, and the lights switch off. After a beat, it dawns on everyone that Chris Pratt accidentally threw the briefcase at the light switch, shattering it.
Chris Pratt: ♪ That's not something that props can fix ♫ That's gonna be a little harder to fix ♪ I'm sorry ♫, I'm out! (runs off)
- Even better is Rob Lowe's completely deadpan "that is...fucking hilarious."
- Another outtake involving a brilliant ad-lib:
Ann: Everybody loves a good comeback story, right? Seabiscuit, The Mighty Ducks...
Leslie: Robert Downey, Jr.... who else?
Andy: Kim Kardashian!
Ann: Kim-- well...
Andy: Well, in the video, she gets — she gets cum on her back, I think.
(Aubrey Plaza, realizing what he's about to say, slaps Chris in the arm before everybody corpses; Nick Offerman doubles over and Jim O'Heir's laughter takes over the room while Aziz Ansari covers his face)
Retta: (out of character) Only gonna make the wrap party.
- Chris Pratt getting Nick Offerman to corpse:
Andy: I have hot snakes, you guys!April: What's 'hot snakes'?Andy: (beat) It's when the diarrhea comes out like a hot snake!April: Andy!(Nick Offerman starts laughing hysterically)Andy: I get hot snakes and bubblegut!
Andy: Sometimes, when I wipe, (Aubrey corpses and turns her back) I'll wipe and I'll wipe and I'll wipe... a hundred times...still poop, still poop...it's like I'm wiping a marker or something.
- And Aubrey Plaza, again concerning his bowel movements:
- The main cast singing "Bye Bye Li'l Sebastian" at Late Night with Seth Myers. Aubrey Plaza and Jim O'Heir are making out in the middle with everyone else laughing and Chris Pratt trying to keep a straight face.
- Chris Pratt revealing that he suggested to the producers that they have have Where Are They Now for each character similar to the Six Feet Under finale showing how they died. There would be text that said April "died of a broken heart", while Andy died "from being left in a locked car on hot day with the windows rolled up."