Tom: Damn! How come the sewage department gets all the hot interns?
Perd Hapley attempting the worm.
Ron: What the fuck are you doing, Perd Hapley?
What's in Nutri-Yum bars that makes Leslie feel so good?
Leslie killing time during the telethon while Schrempf is still at the Snake Hole.
"The Master Plan"
Ron immediately takes a likening to Ben because he wants to cut the budget.
Ron: What's a non-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?
All the scenes with Ann and Leslie drunk.
Andy's hatred of Jean-Ralphio.
Andy: That Ralph-Machio guy is a total douche.
Ron's wicked smile when he hears that the government is going to be shut down.
Leslie: I'm sorry, I just heard a lot of really loud circus music, what did you say?
Ron beginning to address everyone by saying, "Okay, here's the situation…", only to have Leslie cut him off and take the cue to sing "Parents Just Don't Understand".
Leslie: So what's up? Ron: Uh, someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away. Leslie: Oh my god!
Leslie's rapid-fire list of excuses for why she (actually Tom) accidentally shot Ron.
Leslie: I got that tunnel vision that girls get. I let my emotions get the best of me. I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my… lady parts. I was walking and it felt icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember! I'm wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! I'm just going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete, I wanna just shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis! Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain; I'm bad at math, and… I'm stupid.
Donna realising the window on her Mercedes has been smashed and completely losing it to the point that Ann assumes she's having a heart attack.
Leslie's confession to Ann.
Leslie: Possum, there was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed. Ann: What? Leslie: And it went into your laundry and your kitchen and it touched all your bras. And I'm so sorry, it's our fault we captured it and it got out and it ran around and it was a possum, OK? April, run, April. Sorry, Ann. I love you!
Leslie imagines what Tom would say if he learned about the actual cause of Jerry's injury, which Jerry had attributed to a mugging. The cruel but hilarious line is funny in itself, but Leslie's spot-on impersonation of Tom's mannerisms really sells it.
Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What'd you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
When Jerry returns to work, he has to give a presentation about hunting licenses. Leslie tells everyone that they are not allowed to laugh at Jerry no matter what. His coworkers desperately try not to make fun of him in the face of numerous blunders, each one more embarrassing until, while he's awkwardly trying to find his glasses, he bends over, and tears a hole in the seat of his pants, and then lets out a huge fart. The looks on everyone's faces, especially at the end, are priceless.
Ron: Under my tutelage, you'll grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators and from gladiators into Swansons. Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
Leslie makes an unusual request of Ann.
Leslie: Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does? Ann: Uh… Leslie: Minus the money? Ann: Definitely yes then.
Leslie's increasingly bizarre fever delusions.
Chris obsessing over his sickness.
Chris: (looking into a mirror) Stop. Pooping.
Chris: Oh my god. The microchip has been compromised.
Chris: This floor is my friend!
"Ron and Tammy: Part Two"
Ron's moustache rubbing off from... "friction". The reactions of Ben and Leslie seal the deal.
Much of the episode qualifies, but a sneaky one. Jerry is the only one that seems to have completely missed that Ron and Tammy are bad together, including bring a wedding gift to the intervention. When Tammy shows up at the intervention and proceeds to make out with a now shirtless Ron, everyone leaves the room. Except Jerry who never got up.
Ron finally coming to his senses and breaking up with Tammy when she starts beating up Tom. Ron equates hurting Tom with hurting a defenceless child and picks him up and walks out with him over his shoulder.
Ron typing every word he knows.
Ben's freak-out on "Ya Heard? With Perd".
Ben: Come on! Who hasn't had gay thoughts?
And later, his peevish mocking of Perd's name.
Ben: More like Turd Crapley.
Natalie getting Andy detained by the school security guard.
Officer: Sir, are you trying to lure this girl into your van? Andy: Yeah, and she's being really difficult about it.
Andy shouldn't even be driving. His license is "crazy" expired.
After Ben freaks out in the interview with Crazy Ira and The Douche:
Leslie:We need him. If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy.
Tom: Well, we should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, cause that would be way more charming.
What are Andy's good qualities? He's nice, and he's in a band! That's it.
Leslie: Please remember, this is a government project. So, we need to refrain from corporate promotion and religious items. Who'd like to start? Man: I think we should put in the Bible.
Leslie: The atrocities are in blue.
Everyone's reaction to Li'l Sebastian. Especially Ron's glee.
Ron says that in order to find the missing Li'l Sebastian the team needs a higher view point. Andy takes a long look at the ferris wheel and then suggests that he climb it.
Ron demanding everyone apologise. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome (for calling out everyone's pettiness/stupidity) and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming (because he knows that for once it's not Jerry's fault (kinda) and showing how much he cares about the April/Andy relationship).
The cold open, where at a meeting Ron pretends to yank out his own tooth (which a dentist had removed the day before) causing everyone to freak out, some to leave the room and Tom to faint.
Special notice must be give to Ben, who does not even give any facial expression. He simply bolts from the room before Ron is even done pulling.
Chris scaring Orin. Chris repels emos, apparently.
Tom explaining his food lexicon.
Tom: "Zerts" are what I call desserts. "Tray-trays" are entrees. I call sandwiches "sammies", "sandoozles" or "Adam Sandlers". Air conditioners are "cool blasterz" with a "z". I don't know where that came from. I call cakes "big ol' cookies". I call noodles "long ass rice". Fried chicken is "fry fry chicky chick". Chicken parm is "chickey chickey parm parm". Chicken cacciatore: "chickey catch". I call eggs "pre-birds" or "future birds". Root beer is "super water". Tortillas are "bean blankies". And I call forks "food rakes".
Ben's sneaking back to check out Jerry's painting with Leslie nude in the chestal region. Twice.
This line, from Ben's tour of April and Andy's house:
Ben: Were you frying marbles?!
The painting itself. Topless Leslie is one thing, but cherub Tom...
Andy: Garbage fight!
April and Andy role-playing.
All of the drunk talking head scenes. All of them.
When Ben and Leslie are giving interviews while hungover.
Ben: Thank you. We will let you know. (job candidate leaves) And then our heads will explode and we will all die.
Ron in the new circular desk Chris made him use slowly and silently swivelling around and away from the citizen complaining about how she got sick from using sprinkler water for tea.
More of a sight gag when Ben impresses Leslie's ball-busting mom and both Knope women look at him while doing a choreographed head tilt of interest.
The phone message Ben accidentally sent to Ron of him and Leslie role-playing while having sex.
Leslie: And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss! Ben: Whoa! Eleanor likes the tongue!
And before that, Leslie's ranting attempt at a denying to Ron her relationship with Ben. Just as she's topping off her ramble with a shrieked, "Who do I call?", Ben swoops into the room all smiley.
Ben: Hey. Leslie: Hey. Ben: Hey. Leslie: Hey. Ben: (finally realising Ron is in the room with them) Hey, Ron.
Just before that scene.
Ron: Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben? (pause) Leslie: (stuttering) What? Ron: How long have you been sleeping with Ben? Leslie: That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get… Why would I… I've never had sex with anyone, anywhere… It's none of your… You have… The nerve, the audacity… Ben is my boss technically and he is… Terrible, face-wise. And how… How… Do I know frankly that you are not sleeping with him. Maybe you are, maybe you are trying to throw me off. Hmmmm, check and mate! This is an outrage! Who do I call?
Ron's facial expression during that is the icing on the cake.
Also Leslie and Ben's roleplay session that Ron accidentally hears when he is butt-dialed:
Leslie: Okay, okay, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
Ben:Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Leslie: Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
Ben:Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend the day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to? Donna: Clothes. Tom: Treat yo self. Donna: Fragrances. Tom: Treat yo self. Donna: Massages. Tom: Treat yo self. Donna: Mimosas. Tom: Treat yo self. Donna: Fine leather goods. Tom: Treat yo self. Donna: It's the best day of the year.
Ben walking out in a Batman costume and Tom and Donna's reactions.
Tammy 1 and Tamara in a drinking contest. Leslie tries to join in, and is floored within a few shows. April doesn't even get the first shot down. Ron, learning his mama will take him home decides to chug half of the jug, the equivalent of three handles of regular liquor.
Ben trying to make sense of all the furniture and the purpose of the secretaries in Tom's company.
"The Trial of Leslie Knope"
All of the evidence entered during the trial.
Leslie's email message to Ann announcing her relationship with Ben.
Tammy Two dramatically beginning to reveal falsified photographs, only to backtrack mid-sentence and flee the room when Chris explains the consequences of perjury.
April explains to Ron what a "cookie" is, prompting this.
Ron: So it learns information about me? Seems like an invasion of my privacy. April: Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address. (Ron types something into the computer. He stares at it. Cut to Ron chucking his computer in the dumpster)
"Born and Raised"
Joan Callamezzo's horrible journalism.
Leslie: God, not the "Gotcha" Dancers!
Leslie: (to Ben, angry) The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
"The Comeback Kid"
Leslie and her new campaign team trying to slowly walk across an ice rink from a red carpet to a tiny stage for her first campaign rally. All while the PA system is repeatedly playing the same five-second extract of "Get On Your Feet" by Gloria Estafan.
The entirety of Jean Ralphio's employment at the accounting firm (which lasted about thirty seconds), not to mention his reaction upon getting fired.
Jean Ralphio: Makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?
"The Campaign Ad"
Leslie's campaign ad, specifically the incredibly long list of things she supports.
Leslie claims to Ben that Ann was freaking out at his suggestion to run a negative ad. Ironic Echo Cut to a spaced out Ann marvelling at a marker, commenting, "Oh my god, this magic marker smells like cherries."
Leslie's rationale for why positive campaigns are always better.
Leslie: Barack Obama said "Yes We Can" and now he's President. Ben Wyatt said "No We Can't" and now he works for his girlfriend.
When Ben goes to give his DVD of a negative ad to be screened, Leslie (preferring to air a positive ad) appears out of nowhere and does a Dynamic Entry and tackles him, shouting out, "Leslie Knope does not approve this message!" The two of them then wrestle on the floor.
Andy sneezing and hitting his head on the wall while hanging up his first gold record.
Ben's ridiculously cheesy deep voice-over for the ad.
Tom: Quick question about Ann: Does anyone know if she has any Indian in her? Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything. Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. Leslie: Silence. Jerry: I don't think she does. Tom: 'Cause does she want some?(groans from everyone else in the room and at least one "Jerry!")
Jerry botches the assignment of finding a date for Ann and accidentally brings a male escort for himself.
Chris is very depressed because Jerry's daughter, Millicent, broke up with him. At one point, he concludes that he should love Jerry, since he shares 50% of her DNA, and then starts starring at him in a creepily intent way.
Ron's increasing giddiness at the scavenger hunt Leslie prepared for Ben.
At their Halloween party, Ron notices that April and Andy's house needs a lot of minor DIY jobs, so he heads to Lowe's wearing his pirate costume to buy supplies. Pushing his trolley through the store, he's approached by a store worker.
Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on? Ron: (stopping, and looking straight at the staff member) I know more than you. (carries on through the store)
The reveal that Jerry was naturally born on a leap-year, and so has only had sixteen true birthdays in his life.
Leslie is so frazzled by the combination of her campaign and her job, that she forgets to invite Jerry to his own surprise party.
Leslie's codename (I'd Be Lying If I Said I Hadn't Thought About It) is mentioned later in the episode.
The best part is that Chris looks pleasantly flattered by his code name.
And Donna's "yeah, that doesn't surprise me" look.
When Leslie is trying on outfits for the interview.
Tom: Oh...It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex. And, since it's on the butt, there's other implications as well...So it's a maybe.
"Leslie and Ben"
After Leslie agrees with Ben's plan to get married that very night after the gala ends she immediately tells him that it's bad luck for them to see each other and tells him to not look at her until the wedding
Ben and Chris pick out some rings at a pawnshop and they turn out to be nipple rings. Of the pawnshop owner.
Jerry pees himself out of excitement from learning that a Li'l Sebastian impersonator will show up at the gala
Jerry: Third time this week!
The tag showing how Ron made homemade wedding rings out of Ann's wall lamp
Ron: People who buy things are suckers
Ron taking calls on live TV when the host came to work hungover
Random Caller: Hi, my yorkshire terrier chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it in the scratches. That'll mask the scratches. The next thing you'll wanna do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a real dog because any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.
Leslie gathers Anne, Ron, Chris and Donna to come up with jokes for her speech. Ann pitches and fails miserably
Leslie: Oh yeah, you're too beautiful to be funny; it's not your fault, you never needed to compensate for anything. The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat!
From "Bailout" the "Too Big To Nail" porno film starring Brandi Maxxx as Leslie and her co-star "Dong Swanson".