Funny: Hellsing Ultimate Abridged

aka: Hellsing Abridged
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     Episode 1: "Psych, Hitler!" 

  • The Bait-and-Switch Credits involving One Piece.
  • During the first few minutes of the series, Alucard kills Edward Cullen. Also doubles as an Awesome Moment.
    Edward Cullen: (Answers the door) Who is it?
    Alucard: Oh, you know... (shoots Edward Cullen 37 times) A real fuckin' vampire!
  • Alucard annoying Seras to "take the shot".
    Seras: There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead! There's blood everywhere!
    Alucard: (delighted) Oh, you are just a treat.
  • This exchange.
    Vampire Priest: Are you mocking me?
    Alucard: Oh, no. No, no, no, no... (Scoffs) Yeah! (Shoots the vampire priest)
    Bon Jovi: Shot through the heart!
  • "Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree..."
    • "Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blond eviscerated puppy."
      • "Okay, Christ, fine, I'll help you. But only 'cause you've got nice tits."
  • The "field report"-
    Integra: So, that's your field report?
    Alucard: Yup.
    Integra: You went for a walk in the forest at midnight?
    Alucard: Yup.
    Integra: You killed a homicidal vampire priest?
    Alucard: Dead.
    Integra: ...And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a—
    Both: Big-tittied police girl.
    • The current mission's "field report"-
      Integra: So, that's your field report?
      Alucard: Yup.
      Integra: So, you broke into the house-
      Alucard: Yup.
      Integra: And you shot him thirty-six times—
      Alucard: Thirty-seven.
      Integra: And took out his partner—
      Alucard: To be fair, that was the Police Girl— with the big titties.
      Integra: (beat) You need to stop going on "walks".
      Alucard: Then you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
  • Also:
    Alucard: I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
    Integra: And kill homicidal vampire priests...
    Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
  • "Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead, only like, 100 times more awesome!"
  • Then when Anderson appears:
    Alucard: (sniff sniff) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.
    (Anderson turns the corner)
    Alucard: Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
  • All of the interaction between Alucard and Anderson.
    • Alucard calling Anderson out on quoting The Boondock Saints.
      Alucard: Boondock. Saints. I mean, seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. (chuckles) Get it?
      Anderson: OK, y'know what? Fuck it. Knife.
      Alucard: Knife?
      Anderson stabs Alucard to no avail
      Alucard: Boom. Headshot.
      Alucard shoots Anderson in the head
      Alucard: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho—
      Anderson decapitates Alucard
      Anderson: Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favourite cereal, Frankenbe—
      Realizes Police Girl has run off with Alucard's head
      Anderson: Son of a protestant whore! Well, y'know what time it is.
      Brandishes his bayonets, a caption saying "RAPE" appears
  • The conversation between Integra and Anderson before Alucard regenerates is also highly entertaining.
    Integra: Just shut up. Where the hell is Alucard?
    Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
    Integra: Killed him?
    Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
    Integra: Oh! Well that's step one. What about two through ten?
    Anderson: Ah, Christ!
    Alucard regenerates
    Alucard: You done goofed.
    Anderson: How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!
    Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.
  • This earlier exchange between Alucard and Integra:
    Integra: Sweet Christ... just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the Police Girl with you.
    Alucard: Aw, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
    Integra: Ah, ah, ah! None of the sass.
    Alucard: Yes, mom!
  • "I'm a fuckmothering vampire!"
  • "Police Girl! Poliiice giiiirl!! You are reading your master's mind! Put my head between your booooooooobs!"
    • (muffled) "Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is...put me between your le—" (gets Pinned to the Wall by a bayonet; ceases to be muffled) "Goddammit!"

     Episode 2: "Bullet From Your Valentine" 
  • Anderson reading the legal disclaimer:
    "...so please support the official release... ye Protestant fuckbucket."
  • Alucard's casual reaction to Luke's first appearance
    (Alucard is watching Adventure Time in his room)
    Jake the Dog: (ecstatic laughter)
    (TV suddenly explodes as Luke enters.)
    Alucard: That was a 70-inch...plasma screen TV. (inhales deeply) So...how can I help you?
    Luke: You must be the great Alucard...
    Alucard: 'Sup.
    Luke: I've heard quite a lot about you.
    Alucard: Oh, really?
    Luke: The nightwalker...who glides through oceans of blood...beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself
    Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch! Work the shaft!
    Luke: ...Excuse you?
    Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like the dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
    Luke: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
    Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am.
    Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
    Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
    (Mexican Standoff ensues)
    Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?
  • Alucard reports back about his mission in Japan:
    Alucard: Eh, I'd say about ninety-nine... point nine percent done...
    *cut to a zombie clawing at a school's gate.*
    • Which doubles as Fridge Brilliance from the huge implication that Alucard's the entire reason for that very series happening in the first place.
  • Somehow, Jan is even more hilarious and vulgar than he is in the actual series.
    (Luke just butchered a bunch of guards. His cell phone goes off)
    Luke: Hello, Jan. (dead guards collapse)
    Jan: (sitting on a pile of corpses) So... how's my favorite big brother doing?
    Luke: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards.
    Jan: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me...(shot of the corpses covering the carpet in the hallway) I'm winning.
    Luke: They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.
    Jan: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys! Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! (Ghoul groans)
  • The entire scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen. "The note on the claim said, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."
    Integra: (thinking) I WOULD DO FUCKING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW TO GET OUT OF THIS.
    (Cut to Luke and Jan Valentine walking up the path to the Hellsing HQ)
    Jan: ...and so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!
    Luke: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.
    Jan: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
    Luke: For God's sake, Jan, think of mother!
    Jan: ...I ain't jerking off right now...
  • During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:
    Communications officer: (pained sobbing)
    Jan: Read the fucking paper.
    Communications officer: (Whimpering) "H-hey there, Integra—"
    Jan: READ IT FUCKING (SLAP!) RIGHT, COCKHOLE!!
    Communications officer: "HEEY THERE, you fat...English...whore..."
    Jan: That's more like it. Now keep going.
    Communications officer: "Me...and my big brother Luke, are killing...all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace...with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." Oh God...
    Jan: Keep reading or I shoot the other testicle!
    Communications officer: "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." (breaks down) "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood...and semen." Oh God, this is horrible!
    Jan: You ain't finished yet!
    Communications officer: "So prepare your dried-out pussy...for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO!! (BLAM!!!)
    Jan: Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh, now that shit is priceless! (hangs up)
    • The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
  • Alucard's line at the end. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!".
  • Jan's lines before the attack on the mansion:
    Jan: ...And we came all the way out here, with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
    Hellsing Guard: Where from?
    (Loads of guns pop out from the bus's window)
    Jan: Texas! (snaps fingers)
    (Guard gets mulched by bullets)
    Jan: Well, shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
  • Jan's reaction to Police Girl's new gun.
  • Alucard's response when Integra tries to stop him from going on another "walk":
    Alucard: What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name...Michael McDoesn'tExist?
  • Alucard's request for what Integra should get Seras as part of his bribe.
    Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons!
    • As well as Seras' Call Back when she finally uses her new anti-tank rifle:
      Seras: (staring down the sights at Jan and his ghouls) Bitches love cannons. (KABOOM!!)
  • Jan's last few moments in general...
    Walter: (snags Jan's right arm with his Razor Wire as he tries to run) I've got your arm!
    Jan: (keeps running and lets his arm get ripped off) So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA!
    (Jan charges down the hall until he bursts into the room with Integra and the Council of Twelve. When he gets their, they're all pointing their anti-vampire weaponry at him.)
    Jan: ...Well, that's not fair at all.
    Integra: I'm sorry; we don't give a fuck. (Everyone opens fire on Jan)
    Jan: (getting riddled with bullets) FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
  • "YOU WERE TALKING ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO, THEN I BLEW YOUR FUCKING LEGS OFF!"
    • "WHAT'S WRONG, DEMI-GOD? JUST GROW BACK YOUR LEGS. SUMMON UP YOUR DEMONS! HIT ME! FIGHT ME! GIVE ME A HUG!"
  • "YOU KNOW, THEY SAY TV MAKES YOU VIOLENT. BUT I'D SAY NOT HAVING MY TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT!"
  • Integra convincing the 12 to restore Hellsing's funding...courtesy of Alucard.
    Alucard: (Over the intercom) WE'RE HERE ON EPIC MEAL TIME! I'M THE SAUCE BOSS AND TONIGHT WE'RE EATING THIS BLONDE LITTLE WANNABE DEMI-GOD BITCH!
    Sir Penwood: Who... is that, exactly?
    Integra: Oh that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding?
  • This exchange:
    Alucard: And just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.
    Integra: Yes, everything turned out just fine, except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a Blood Rage.
    Seras: What's a Blood Rage? And why don't I remember anything?
  • Seras gets her Deadpan Snarker on:
    Seras: (taking down Jan) ARMBARS EVERYWHERE!
    Walter: That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?
    Seras: Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!
    Walter: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.

     Episode 3: "The Crimson Fuckr" 
  • The preview for Episode 3:
    Seras: Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
    Alucard: GOOD!
  • Jan is brought back to life... to read the legal credits that open up every episode.
    Jan: "The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse—" The fuck is this!? You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck. That. If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kind of fucking line. Ahem. My throbbing vampire dick is a fan-based parody. Its shaft, balls, and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its official release. You know you want to.
  • The start of Episode 3 has one of the most hilarious uses of an old punchline possible.
    Abraham Van Helsing: Vampire King... you lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground, and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! WHAT SAY YOU, MONSTER! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?
    Alucard: ...The Aristocrats.
  • The ending for Episode 3. Alucard tweets it.
    • Also, the advantage that Millennium has over Hellsing: ZEPPELINS!
  • On the establishing shot of Rio: "Jesus wants a hug!"
  • Alucard meeting Pip and Company:
    Pip: Is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
    Integra: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing—
    Alucard: (phasing through the wall) HEYKIDSWANNASEEADEADBODY!?!
    The Wild Geese: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
    (Opening credits play, then return to the Wild Geese still screaming)
    Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
    (The Wild Geese quiet down, whimpering literally like dogs)
    • Directly following that:
      Alucard: So, whats up with the Pride meeting?
      Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers—
      Alucard: Wait. Are these guys French?
      Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
      Alucard: We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
  • Walter's attempt to stop Alucard:
    Walter: Sir Integra, forgive me, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with—and pardon my French, no offense—
    Pip: Some taken.
    Walter: —"Fuck the police." He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
    Alucard: HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
    Integra: (sigh) Oh God...walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
  • Integra and Maxwell meet:
    Integra: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian piece of sh—[Switches to museum] Maxwell! Oh, it's been far too long.
    Maxwell: I agree! You're no longer that little girl I used to know; (takes off his glasses) look at all those lines on your face.
    Integra: And look at all the brown on your nose! How is the Pope doing?
    Maxwell: Better than your failing church.
    Integra: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
    Maxwell: But you don't waste time making money off of Rupert Murdoch!
    Alucard: (phasing through the wall) Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started out with the world's cruelest handicap... which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. All over his back.
    Maxwell: (losing his shit, shattering his glasses) ANDERSOOOOOOOOOON!!!
    (Anderson appears at the end of the hallway)
    Anderson: (drawing his holy knives) SERVE THE LORD WITH FEAR AND REJOICE WITH TREMBLING.
    Alucard: (drawing his guns, overjoyed) YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?!
    Anderson: KISS THE SON LEST HE BE ANGRY, AND YE PERISH FROM THE WAY WHEN HIS WRATH IS KINDLED BUT A LITTLE!
  • Alucard and Anderson's rematch gets sidetracked when Seras leads a tour group consisting of old people directly in their path.
    Alucard and Anderson: (borderline insane laughter as they stare one another down)
    Seras: (appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks) Right this way, Group B! That's right, right in front of everybody else; you're eighty, you're used to it! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!
    Alucard: Uh...welp, my boner's gone.
    Anderson: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
    Alucard: Wanna try this again some other time?
    Anderson: Eh sure! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
    Alucard: You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology! (Exit him and Anderson)
    Maxwell: (deeply disturbed) You...want some coffee?
    Integra: ...I'd love some.
    • Made all the funnier by the fact that the Squiddles theme is playing in the background.
  • Alucard's letter to the Pope:
    Dear Chief Replacement,

    I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.

    That's right.

    I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.

    Sincerely, Alucard
  • When the situation in Brazil happens, Integra takes Alucard's involvement in the whole debacle about as well as you'd expect. Not only does Alucard take pride in saying how he's gonna relax, but the jarring Smash Cut to the news report aftermath just makes it funnier.
    Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeeel
    (Smash Cut to a news report several hours later)
    Reporter: ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. (While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive Spit Take while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman) The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some Ozzy Osbourne looking motherfucker...
    Integra (seething with rage): On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
    Alucard: (among all the bodies) Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. (cuts the music and picks up the phone) M'yello~?
    Integra: What. Did you do.
    Alucard: ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
    Integra: WHAT. DID YOU DO.
    Alucard: Okay, first...I was minding my own business—
    Integra: (slams her hand into the table) BULLSHIT!
    Alucard: (Whiny tone of voice) I waaaaas!
    Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
    Alucard: So, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller... and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
    (SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)
    Alucard: One of them yelled out—
    Flashback!SWAT: Get on your knees!
    Alucard: And I responded with—
    Flashback!Alucard: I'm not your mother last night!
    Alucard: ...and they took exception to that.
    (SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie)
    Alucard: But you know how THAT song-and-dance goes...
    (as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)
    Alucard: ...and I killed all but one of them.
    Integra: What happened to the last one?
    (The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard grins evilly while the gun goes off.)
    Alucard: Pussed out like a bitch! Silver lining? (shot of bloody corpses) I can cancel my room service!
    • After Integra has Alucard put Seras on the phone:
      (Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker)
      Alucard: (with his mouth full) You've been really quiet for like, five minutes...(loud, noisy chewing) Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
      Integra: Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
      Alucard: ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( barely audible conversation )
      Seras: 'Ello?
      Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room! Under any circumstance!
      Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was goin' for a walk
      Integra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
    • Immediately followed by:
      (Alucard walks into the midst of a second SWAT team)
      Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team has a Freak Out, and opens fire) Apparently, it's GREAT!!
      (carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator... with Alucard following after them)
      Integra: (wearily) Walter, be honest with me: what are looking at in terms of collateral?
      Walter: Well...(Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses) the Alucard amount.
  • During the fight with the Dandy Man. All of the Yu-Gi-Oh! jokes. All of them.
    Alhambra: You activated my Trap Card. (finger snap)
    Alucard: (as a ring of cards appears around him) OH BOY(KABOOM)
    Alhambra: (amused chuckle)
    Alucard: HEY DANDY DICK! (Cut to Alucard holding onto the wall of the hotel) You missed! (runs up the wall) Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!
    • And Alucard's Call Back to it, right before laying a beating on Alhambra:
      Alucard: Oh shame for you. You activated my Alu-Card.
  • Integra's Combat Commentator role:
    (Alhambra attacks Alucard and the missed attack brings more collateral damage) Oh my Go—WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS OUTSIDE?!
    (Repeat above) Well, at least he's just dodging them.
    (Alucard shoots at Alhambra and the missed attacks hit more police officers) Oh come on, that was on purpose!
  • What happens when Alucard drinks the Dandy Man's blood.
    Alucard: Hey, Dandy Man.
    Alhambra: (whimper of pain)
    Alucard: You lost.
    Alhambra: (whimper of acknowledgment)
    Alucard: And now I have to read your mind...
    Alhambra: (whimper of confusion)
    Alucard: ...by drinking all your blood.
    Alhambra: (whimper of fear)
    Alucard: OM NOM NOM NOM. (starts devouring Alhambra)
    (Alucard's eyes going wide as the visions start)
    Alucard: The fuck is this? The fuck is that?! The fuck are THOSE?!
    • In case you're wondering, it's one of Adult Swim's programs, Off The Air. Specifically, the Animals episode. More specifically, it's the music video for Blockhead's "The Music Scene".
      • And after he gets all of his memories:
        Alucard: (laughing maniacally while giving a Slow Clap)
        Seras: Master?
        Alucard: Hold on; I need to tweet about this...
        (Cut to Integra checking her Twitter feed, and coming across Alucard's timeline)
        @TheCrimsonFuckr: IT'S NAZIS! #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire
        Integra: (disgusted sigh)
        Walter: Sir Integra, is something the matter?
        Integra: It's the fucking—
        (Smash Cut to...)
        The Major: NAZIS~!
  • How Walter convinced Alucard to go to Brazil in the first place.
    Walter: Interesting - but do you think Alucard will go?
    Integra: Not as long as it's an order.
    Walter: I think I have an idea... (Smash Cut to Walter talking with Alucard) Did you know you have vacation days?
    Alucard: I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
    Walter: (curtly) Quite...
    Alucard: Well that settles it, I'm going travelling!
    Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish. Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
    Alucard: (beat)
    Walter: (beat)
    Alucard: Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman!
    • Also, during the flight to Brazil:
      Pip: So, where is the police girl?
      Alucard: Oh, you know, she's downstairs.
      Pip: ...Isn't that the cargo hold?
      (switches to a coffin strapped down to the floor of the plane)
      Seras: (inside the coffin) I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
  • The conversation between the Major and Herr Doktor:
    Doc: I'm so sorry, Major, for the failure of the Dandy Man.
    Major: Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He was a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
    Doc: But, Major, now that they know of our plans...
    Major: Ah, Herr Doktor, but that is the plan. Now that they know our plan, they will plan around our plans. And so we shall in turn plan around the plan that they are planning around our plan!
    (beat)
    Doc: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
    Major: And regardless, we have one advantage that they sorely lack...ZEPPELINS!
  • Scarlet Tampon's lamentable nickname:
    "Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock: The Crimson Fuckr has checked in. I repeat: the Crimson Fuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."
    • Soon followed by:
      Alucard: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
      Scarlet Tampon: Shit shit shit! (Runs away)
  • When Alucard and Alhambra meet:
    Alhambra: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this...I would have found some Union Jacks for you.
    Alucard: (bashfully) Hold on! Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?
    Alhambra: (deep, flourishing bow) I am Tubalcain Alhambra...or, "The Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality...
    Alucard: And they fucking bought that?!
    Alhambra: Like discount peixe.
    Alucard: (legitimately amused) You cheeky dick-waffle!
  • Alucard hypnotizing a hotel employee:
    Bishounen O'Brian: There we are, a regular two-bed room.
    Alucard: Hahaha, hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
    Bishounen O'Brian: I-I'm sorry sir, Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
    Alucard: (stretches out hand) I SAID... (puts finger right between O'Brian's eyes) You want to give me the penthouse.
    Bishounen O'Brian: I...want to give you the penthouse.
    Alucard: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
    Bishounen O'Brian: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
    Alucard: (turns to Pip, casual tone) See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want! (back to hypnotizing O'Brian) White Chicks was amazing.
    Bishounen O'Brian: White Chicks was amazing.
    Alucard: (enthusiastic) He believes it, too!
    Pip Bernadotte: (with the word "NO" repeated in the background) Ergh.
  • Right after Pip effortlessly kills the corrupt officials, and blows up their tent, we have this line.
    (Smash Cut to Alucard on the roof, bleeding out of his wounds)
    Alucard: (Groans) Could use a drink right now! Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore...

     Episode 4: "Trigger Warning" 
  • The preview video for Episode 4 has Maxwell interrogating a priest who is spying on the Iscariot Organization for Millennium:
    Maxwell: Due to the recent events, we have realized there is an informant within the Vatican. As such, we are opening up old case files in search of any members of the Church who may have...the greatest offenses on their records.
    Priest: Well, I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!
    Maxwell: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
    Priest: ...Amongst other things.
    Maxwell: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?
    (Priest stammers in fear)
    Maxwell: Wow.
  • Tubalcain Alhambra reads the disclaimer. And ends it with telling the viewer to go suck their mother's cu-; it cuts right to the episode proper.
  • The actual episode opens with Alucard making Integra admit he was right over the phone...and getting off to it.
    Alucard: Say it.
    Integra: Fuck you.
    Alucard: After you say it.
    Integra: You're really going to force me on this.
    Alucard: I'm at half-mast. I NEED to hear this!
    Integra: FINE! YOU WERE RIGHT.
    Alucard: (prolonged series of pleasurable groans and shudders)
    Integra: JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE! (slams the phone down)
    Alucard: Ohhhh...Houston, we have noooo problems.
  • Not even a second later, Anderson bursts through the door...
    Alucard: Okay, dude, I just—I just finished. I'm-a need, like, 5 minutes over here to recha—(gets decked by Anderson) NEVER MIND, WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
  • Seras leads to a hilariously awful reference back to Episode 1.
    Seras: I've got him! (Anderson throws a bayonet near her head and she collapses on the spot in a horrified daze)
    Alucard: Ah great, and now she's triggered! Could be all day with it.
  • After that is Anderson's orders, which are pretty normal with one exception...
    Anderson: Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! And the woman!
    Pip: Don quoi...
    Alucard: Man...I don't know what I find funnier—the Catholic Church strongarming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I've done to the statue of Big J~!
    Anderson: ...?
    (Cut to the statue of Christ the Redeemer, a rainbow-colored banner suspended between his outstretched hands reads 420yoloswag4jesus)
    Anderson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
    • At the meeting later, one of Maxwell's men mentions they still haven't gotten the banner down.
      Priest: I think it's a constrictor knot.
  • The sheer Refuge in Audacity of Queen Elizabeth II's lines. Every one of them.
    Alucard: (genuine delight in his voice) Oh, shit! Is that Betty?!
    Guards: (as Alucard approaches) Sir, you can't just—
    Alucard: (throws guards aside) GET OUT OF MY WAY.
    Queen: (with Alucard kneeling before her) Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
    Alucard: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.
    Queen: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
    Alucard: Ah, shut up you old hag, I'd still wreck you like Diana.
    Queen: (soft laughter) Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up.
    Sir Penwood: (offscreen) ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!
    • The Queen really wants to see The Major suffer...
      Queen: Integra, Alucard.
      Alucard: Yes, sugar-lips?
      Queen: (sweet, motherly voice) When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it. So I can fall asleep to it every night.
      (Beat)
      Alucard: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'VE MISSED YOU!
      Maxwell: HEY!
      Alucard: Oh, shut up.
  • Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II...when he was a girl for some reason.
    'Reggie': Wait a second, then that implies that the Queen
    Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
    • Made even funnier by the fact that this was not just a joke. Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, Hellsing: The Dawn, which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an incredibly effeminate appearance during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is shorter than he is.
  • Rip Van Winkle. 'Nuff said.
    • Rip talking with Commander Violet.
      Rip Van Winkle: Zis is my favorite kind of ship—laden with blood und se(a)men.
      Commander Violet: Uh...what—
      Rip Van Winkle: (quickly) Ze game!
      Commander Violet: ...What game?
      Rip Van Winkle: You lose! Lol I so random!
      Commander Violet: (moving along) So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.
      Rip Van Winkle: Oh, danke schön, Captain. Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them in to ghouls, betraying your family und country? All for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?
      Commander Violet: ...Wow. Uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt.
    • Rip starts to sing 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Really.
      Nazi 1: The hell is she singing now?
      Nazi 2: I have no idea. I think it was popular a couple years back.
      Nazi 3: At least she is no longer going on about the ponies and the friendship and the wrapping of the winter!
    • Rip embodies all the randomness of Tumblr.
      Rip: Rainbow, tacos, Doctor Who, Homestuck!
    • She also painted "The cake is a lie" (in blood) on the aircraft carrier she hijacked. Only one person gets the reference.
      Dude Who Gets The Referencenote : And that was Portal, by the way. That's Portal. That's...where it's from.
    • Even the Pre-Asskicking One-Liner Alucard gives before finishing off Rip is hilarious.
      Alucard: The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's NO ONE ALIVE who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! (clocks her one)
  • When Integra wonders out loud why would Alucard know so much about the SR-71 Blackbird:
    Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
  • Schrödinger at the meeting.
    • First, Alucard's reaction to him.
      Alucard: Ah. The return of the "why" boner. With a vengeance.
    • Everyone is wondering how he got in.
      Integra: How did he get in here?
      Walter: We had over a dozen guards.
      Alucard: Those were ours? I mean, oh my God! How did he get through the guards?!
    • Then his attempts at getting the T.V. to work.
      Major: Schrödinger?
      Schrödinger: It's not working, Major!
      Major: Did you click T.V., then Power?
      Schrödinger: Oh, wait, I'm on Video 2.
      Major: Nein, Video 1!
    • Then he/she hits on Seras:
      Schrödinger: Fraulein. Fraulein? Fraulein! HEY, FRAULEIN!
      Seras: Oi!
      Schrödinger: We would make beautiful children.
      (Seras gawks and blushes, and Alucard shoots Schrödinger in the face)
      Alucard: Was that boy-girl bugging you?
      Major: And like zat, ze war begins.
      Alucard: Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?
      Integra: Police Girl...?
      (Seras shoots the Major's T.V. with the Harknonen)
      Seras: (internal monologue) Huh. They would look rather nice, actually.
  • Alucard busting into the meeting with Meredith Brooks' Bitch playing from his phone. Everyone's expressions (especially Maxwell's) are what completely sell this moment.
    Alucard: Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...
    Integra: Following your example, I see...
    Alucard: Ooo, catty~
    • Made funnier by the fact that you can hear Alucard arguing with either Seras or Pip (most likely Seras) about having forgotten the song right before they bust in.
      Alucard: Okay, screw it! Just take my phone and hit random!
      • Also, keep in mind that Alucard is busting in to meet the Queen, his old flame in the '40s... when he was a girl, for some reason.
  • When the Major finally comes into focus on the mini-TV Schrödinger brought, Alucard completely loses it and doubles over laughing, because...
    Alucard: HE'S STILL SO FUCKING FAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! HAHAHAHA! No! No! Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    • After Alucard finally manages to calm down and the Major continues unveiling his plan, Integra completely destroys his attempt to reveal what they already know:
      The Major: Now, I'm sure you're all chomping at the bit to find out what we have in store for you, nein?
      Integra: Nazi army.
      The Major: ...Wow, just kill all the fun. Put the fun in camps, why don't you?
      Alucard: Yeah, ya Fun-Nazi.
      Integra: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!
    • Later, when the Major and Herr Doktor are discussing meeting:
      Herr Doktor: Well, Major, I think that went well.
      Major: You think it went well? Herr Doktor, I was there. And much like our former boss—
      (Camera shifts to a bound and gagged Nazi officer being killed by Vampires)
      Major: I killed it!
  • Anderson and Maxwell discuss their alliance with Hellsing is simultaneously funny and badass for how insanely bloodthirsty Anderson is.
    Maxwell: Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.
    Anderson: Then knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.
    Maxwelll: ...I do not know the metaphor which you draw, but regardless we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God!
    Anderson: Oh I see. So this...is a CRUSADE!
    Maxwelll: No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it...ah...damn, what do the American cows say?
    Anderson: Peacekeeping?
    Maxwell: Right! Now, shall we keep the peace?
    Millenium Mooks: For Millenium! (Anderson kills them all)
    Anderson: Only until it's time to slide in the knife!

     Episode 5: "Lay Back and Think of Oblivion" 
  • The opening starts with a doozy:
    British Man: Hey mate, what was the last thing you'd thought you'd see in the night sky?
    Other Man: Well, that's a deep question man, I—
    First Man: No, cuz it's blimps. (cue overshot of the Millennium fleet).
  • The Nazis plan to destroy everything in London. Except the Holocaust Museum.
    The Major: Leave that be. No one will deny what we did.
  • The Nazi Vampire that wants to burn down London Bridge, just so that he can sing the song.
    The Major: (unamused) Ja, ja, London Bridge is Falling Down, we all know ze song. Look, you be the first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it, I don't care.
    • Ends up as a brick joke later in the episode, as the heroes start Waxing Lyrical with the song.
      British Intelligence Agent: London Bridge is falling down!
      Penwood: Falling down?!
      British Intelligence Agent: Falling down!
      Penwood: London Bridge is falling down... My fair lady, what should we do!
    • Later
      Nazi Vampire: Hans! Nein! And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge. Sing the song! Everything!
  • And the song playing during their invasion? The fittingly ironic "War", by Edwin Starr.
    • Even better is the Major lampshading it by admitting he chose it "for ironic reasons. The best reasons."
  • Just how Affably Evil the vampire soldiers are. They are just so happy to be finally bringing the joys of fire and death to their enemies.
  • Integra tells Sir Penwood to send a helicopter to pick up Alucard
    Penwood: Can't he just fly with his vampire powers?
    Integra: What. No-no he can't fly with his vampire powers!
  • The Major gets Zorin's hopes up when he tells her to go to the Hellsing manor... to run surveillance. She does not take this well.
    The Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin. I need you to bring it back for me. Take a deep breath. Contain ze calamity zat is your mammaries. (Zorin growls in inarticulate rage)
  • While Integra and Walter are driving away from the command room.
    The Major: Sergeant Klaus, have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
    Klaus: Ja, Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
    The Major: Is it on fire?
    • Becomes a Brick Joke later, when Integra is driving the car for the first time, has to deal with a platoon of Nazi vampire soldiers firing rockets at her!
    (While narrowly dodging rockets)
    Integra: YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!
    • Made funnier when a Nazi vampire kindly asks her to pull over right before this.
    Random Nazi: THERE SHE IS!! JOHAN! TELL HER TO PULL OVER!
    (Beat as the Nazis run up Integra's car. Cut to Integra driving, listening to calm opera music before noticing Johan right next to her driver-side window).
  • Sir Penwood's last stand. It was a Awesome Moment and Integra's comment on his death was to be a Heartwarming Moment, but then... Mood Whiplash.
    Integra: ...Walter...
    Walter: ...Yes, Sir Integra?
    Integra: Sir Penwood was a—(car runs over someone)SON OF A BITCH!
  • Another build-up to a Heartwarming Moment... abruptly defused.
    Walter: You need to take the car and make your way to HQ on your own. I believe in you, ma'am.
    Integra: Walter... There's something I want you to know.
    Walter: There is no time for good-byes, Sir Integra...
    Integra: No, I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.
    Walter: Oh... Well... Perfect time to learn.
    • Never mind when she actually gets into the car.
      Integra: Okay...which one's the clu-*Car suddenly starts and takes off down the road*-OKAY, WE'RE DRIVING!
  • After Integra comments how "It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year-old woman":
    Nazi 1: That's a woman?
    Nazi 2: She is 22?
  • Right after Anderson's Dynamic Entry, the Nazi Mooks discuss his long list of aliases:
    Nazi Soldiers: God's Assassin...Saint Guillotine... Ze Angel's Dust... Judas Priest.
    Soldier A: Wait, like ze band?
    Soldier B (in utter terror): THEY WERE NAMED AFTER HIM!
  • Anderson's Big Damn Heroes moment:
    Anderson: By Jove, you fucking header of a woman! You're surrounded by fifty Nazi vampires, armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do?! You get out of your FUCKING car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads, and yell "Come at me, you Kraut shits!" NO WONDER Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil! I'M THINKING ABOUT GROWIN' SOME FLOWERS MYSELF!
  • Anderson is just the gift that keeps on giving in this episode. He follows that line with:
    Anderson: You know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well that got me thinking, so I acquired a couple of learned youngsters myself! Two of them, which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker: One's Japanese and the other one's fucking German! Ain't that topical? I just need me an Italian and I got myself an AXIS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS! Yumi, say something in moon speak!
    Yumi: Hai.
    Anderson: Ha ha! And the German one's Heinkel, she shoots things, it's great!
    Heinkel: (In a grave tone of voice) Pop, pop, watchin' heathens drop.
  • The Nazi Vampires criticize Anderson's use of his bayonets. He gives his own demonstration soon enough.
    Nazi Vampire: (mockingly) Ze Iscariots? We're not scared of you. Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet. It goes on ze gun, idiot!
    Anderson: Now if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariot to do yer job for ya and put these soulless bodies where they belong! In the ground in case you didn't take
    (Nazis charge, Anderson kills them both)
    Anderson(casually, without missing a beat): In case you didn't take my meaning.
  • Alucard's only line in The Stinger.
    Alucard (sniffs): Something's burning...

     The Twitters 
  • Alucard's twitter is a veritable goldmine of hilarity.
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Just tried to get through airport security out of Brazil. Nope.
    BT_PoliceGirl: Think it might have somethin' t'do with the fact that YOU WERE FILMED SLAUGHTERIN' PEOPLE?
    TheCrimsonFuckr: I will not apologize for art.
    BT_PoliceGirl: And you've been watchin' too many popular internet videos.
  • Police Girl's has some funny bits too.
    BT_PoliceGirl: Poor Walter was upset [Alucard] was getting blood everywhere, so Master decided to roll about on the floor and against the walls.
  • Alucard's response to the Pope stepping down. (Call Back his letters to the Pope)
    TheCrimsonFuckr: NA NA NA NA! NA NA NA NA! HEEE~Y! GOODBYE!
    BT_PoliceGirl: Oh why d'you have to be so bloody loud so early? Blimey..!
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Because I won. Shut up.
  • And then after the World Cup when Germany stomped Brazil in the semifinals:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Wow, haven't seen Brazilians get slaughtered like this since... well, you know.
  • And whatever this is:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: My New Years Resolution? Eat less. Which is the opposite of last year's resolution: Help trim the homeless population.

     Meta 
  • LittleKuriboh's little freak-out and "I told you so"-moment to Lanipator and KaiserNeko at ConnectiCon 2014 when someone brought up there are no Dairy Queen branches in Englandnote . He would know that, for obvious reasons, and his happy dance at being right was incredibly hilarious.
  • At the same convention, Lanipator told a story that he did his Major "Gentlemen, we... are Nazis" speech at a con in Australia. In a room with 800 or so Con Goers. His comment on it was "I basically led a Nazi rally, at a con, in Australia."
    Lanipator / The Major: Gentlemen, we... are Nazis.
    800 Con Goers: SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
    Lanipator / The Major: And we, will have war!
    800 Con Goers: SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
    • KaiserNeko mentioned right after that story that he did recording for some of the Nazis in that scene, and ended up shouting "SIEG HEIL!" for thirty minutes or so in his house. He was glad he didn't have Jewish neighbors.

     Other 
  • The Christmas special
    • Integra being furious over the fact Alucard shot Santa, which is surprising considering she didn't question how that could even be the real Santa. But considering her childhood and current life, it's possible that Integra kept believing that Santa was actually real.
    • Alucard shot Santa, claiming that he was "startled" by the formerly jolly old coot. Integra accuses him of planning this, which he denies... most unconvincingly.
    • Police Girl secured the sleigh! (But Vixen died in the process.)
    • Apparently Alucard stole an elf costume for the Police Girl. Whether it was meant for humans or elves is a mystery.
    • Alucard wanting his The Nightmare Before Christmas moment.
    • The tale ends with Alucard and the Police Girl going off in the sleigh to save Christmas... "Until Alucard got bored, and kind of wandered off".

Alternative Title(s):

Hellsing Abridged