Funny / Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
aka: Hellsing Abridged
What Alucard's downtime consists of.

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     Episode 1: "Psych, Hitler!" 

  • The Fake-Out Opening involving One Piece.
  • During the first few minutes of the series, Alucard kills Edward Cullen. Also doubles as an Awesome Moment.
    Edward Cullen: (answers the door) Who is it?
    Alucard: Oh, you know... (shoots Edward Cullen thirty-seven times) A real fucking vampire!
  • Alucard annoying Seras to "take the shot".
    Seras: There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead! There's blood everywhere!
    Alucard: (delighted) Oh, you are just a treat.
  • This exchange.
    Vampire Priest: Are you mocking me?
    Alucard: Oh, no. No, no, no, no... (scoffs) Yeah! (Shoots the vampire priest (and Seras))
    Bon Jovi: Shot through the heart!
  • "Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree..."
    • "Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde eviscerated puppy."
      • "Okay, Christ, fine, I'll help you. But only 'cause you've got nice tits."
  • The "field report"-
    Integra: So, that's your field report?
    Alucard: Yup.
    Integra: You went for a walk in the forest at midnight?
    Alucard: Yup.
    Integra: You killed a homicidal vampire priest?
    Alucard: Dead.
    Integra: ...And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a—
    Both: Big-tittied police girl.
    Alucard:: Yes, like I didn't just get through explaining this!
    • The current mission's "field report"-
      Integra: So, that's your field report?
      Alucard: Yup.
      Integra: So, you broke into the house...
      Alucard: Yup.
      Integra: And you shot him thirty-six times—
      Alucard: Thirty-seven.
      Integra: And took out his partner...
      Alucard: To be fair, that was the Police Girl— with the big titties.
      Integra: (beat) You need to stop going on "walks".
      Alucard: Then you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
  • Also:
    Alucard: I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
    Integra: And kill homicidal vampire priests...
    Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
  • Alexander Anderson's introduction while talking to Father Renaldo:
    Anderson: So what can I do for ya, Father O'Malley O'Connell O'Carroll O'Reilly O'Brien O'Sullivan... who is also Italian?
  • "Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead, only like, 100 times more awesome!"
    • Made even funnier due to the whole scene showing Seras with a bored look on her face rather than Alucard's carnage-fueled joy.
    • Then when Seras finally does join in, Alucard gives us this line:
      Alucard: Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes!
      (Seras gets stabbed repeatedly by Anderson)
      Alucard: Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina.
  • Then when Anderson appears:
    Alucard: (sniff sniff) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.
    (Anderson turns the corner)
    Alucard: Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
  • All of the interaction between Alucard and Anderson.
    • Alucard calling Anderson out on quoting The Boondock Saints.
      Alucard: Boondock. Saints. I mean, seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. (chuckles) Get it?
      Anderson: OK, y'know what? Fuck it. Knife.
      Alucard: Knife?
      (Anderson stabs Alucard to no avail)
      Alucard: Boom. Headshot.
      (Alucard shoots Anderson in the head)
      Alucard: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho—
      (Anderson decapitates Alucard, complete with soundbyte of Eddie Riggs going "DECAPITATIOOOOON~!")
      Anderson: Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Frankenbe—
      (Realizes Police Girl has run off with Alucard's head)
      Anderson: Son of a Protestant whore! Well, y'know what time it is.
      (Brandishes his bayonets, a caption saying "RAPE" appears)
    • Which becomes funny as, while Anderson dies, he accepts that yes, Boondock Saints is his favorite movie.
  • The conversation between Integra and Anderson before Alucard regenerates is also highly entertaining.
    Integra: Just shut up. Where the hell is Alucard?
    Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
    Integra: Killed him?
    Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
    Integra: Oh! Well that's step one. What about two through ten?
    Anderson: Ah, Christ!
    (Alucard regenerates)
    Alucard: You done goofed.
    Anderson: How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!
    Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.
  • This earlier exchange between Alucard and Integra:
    Integra: Sweet Christ... just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the Police Girl with you.
    Alucard: Aw, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
    Integra: Ah, ah, ah! None of the sass.
    Alucard: Yes, mom!
  • "I'm a fuckmothering vampire!"
  • "Police Girl! Poliiice giiiirl!! You are reading your master's mind! Put my head between your booooooooobs!"
    • (muffled) "Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is...put me between your le—" (gets Pinned to the Wall by a bayonet; ceases to be muffled) "Goddammit!"
  • "I could try seducing him. Wait, I'm not an eight-year-old boy! Shit!"
  • Integra learning who's also been sent to Ireland:

     Episode 2: "Bullet From Your Valentine" 
  • Anderson reading the legal disclaimer:
    " please support the official release... ye Protestant fuckbucket."
  • Integra listing the rather expensive claims the organization's racked up because of a certain fuckmothering vampire.
    Alucard: Like what?
    Integra: First off, property damage...
    (cut to a large explosion in the middle of a street)
    Alucard: Good times.
    Integra: Dozens of noise complaints...
    (loud music blaring from a speaker next to Alucard)
    Alucard: Sorry, I can't hear you.
    Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
    Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
    Integra: AND, all of the sexual harassment.
    Alucard: ...I'm not apologizing.
  • Alucard's casual reaction to Luke's first appearance
    (Alucard is watching Adventure Time in his room)
    Jake the Dog: (ecstatic laughter)
    (TV suddenly explodes as Luke enters.)
    Alucard: That was a 70-inch...plasma screen TV. (inhales deeply) can I help you?
    Luke: You must be the great Alucard...
    Alucard: 'Sup.
    Luke: I've heard quite a lot about you.
    Alucard: Oh, really?
    Luke: The nightwalker...who glides through oceans of blood...beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself—
    Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch! Work the shaft!
    Luke: ...Excuse you?
    Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like the dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
    Luke: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
    Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am.
    Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
    Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
    (Mexican Standoff ensues)
    Alucard: Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?
    • Blink and you'll miss it, but on the screen behind Jake, right before Luke busts in? There's a smashed TV.
  • Alucard reports back about his mission in Japan:
    Alucard: Eh, I'd say about ninety-nine... point nine percent done...
    (cut to a zombie clawing at a school's gate.)
    • Which doubles as Fridge Brilliance from the huge implication that Alucard's the entire reason for that very series happening in the first place.
  • Somehow, Jan is even more hilarious and vulgar than he is in the actual series.
    (Luke just butchered a bunch of guards; his cell phone goes off)
    Luke: Hello, Jan. (dead guards collapse)
    Jan: (sitting on a pile of corpses) So... how's my favorite big brother doing?
    Luke: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards.
    Jan: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me...(shot of the corpses covering the carpet in the hallway) I'm winning.
    Luke: They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.
    Jan: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys! Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! (Ghoul groans)
  • The entire scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen. "The note on the claim said, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."
    (Cut to Luke and Jan Valentine walking up the path to the Hellsing HQ)
    Jan: ...and so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!
    Luke: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.
    Jan: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
    Luke: For God's sake, Jan, think of mother!
    Jan: ...I ain't jerking off right now...
    • This is even funnier when you realize that Dairy Queen has no branches open in the UK. This means that Alucard went all the way to America just to ditch the car at a Dairy Queen.
      • Actually, in Episode 7 Alucard admits he "Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen." But it wasn't his fault.psst  Though, given who we're talking about here, its' entirely possible he did both.
  • During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:
    Communications officer: (pained sobbing)
    Jan: Read the fucking paper.
    Communications officer: (whimpering) "H-hey there, Integra—"
    Communications officer: (obviously trying to hold back tears) "HEEY THERE, you fat...English...whore..."
    Jan: That's more like it. Now keep going.
    Communications officer: "Me...and my big brother Luke, are killing...all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace...with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." (gags) Oh God...
    Jan: Keep reading or I shoot the other testicle!
    Communications officer: "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." (breaks down) "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood...and semen." Oh God, this is horrible!
    Jan: You ain't finished yet!
    Communications officer: "So prepare your dried-out pussy... (breaks down again) for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO!! (BLAM!!!)
    Jan: Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh, now that shit is priceless! (hangs up)
    • The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
  • Alucard's line at the end. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!".
  • Jan's lines before the attack on the mansion:
    Jan: ...And we came all the way out here, with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
    Hellsing Guard: Where from?
    (loads of guns pop out from the bus's window)
    Jan: Texas! (snaps fingers)
    (Guard gets mulched by bullets)
    Jan: Well, shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
  • Jan's reaction to Police Girl's new gun.
  • Alucard's response when Integra tries to stop him from going on another "walk":
    Alucard: What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name...Michael McDoesn'tExist?
  • Alucard's request for what Integra should get Seras as part of his bribe.
    Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons!
    • As well as Seras' Call-Back when she finally uses her new anti-tank rifle:
      Seras: (staring down the sights at Jan and his ghouls) Bitches love cannons. (KABOOM!!)
  • Jan's last few moments in general...
    Walter: (snags Jan's right arm with his Razor Wire as he tries to run) I've got your arm!
    Jan: (keeps running and lets his arm get ripped off) So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA!
    (Jan charges down the hall until he bursts into the room with Integra and the Council of Twelve. When he gets there, they're all pointing their anti-vampire weaponry at him.)
    Jan: ...Well, that's not fair at all.
    Integra: I'm sorry; we don't give a fuck. (Everyone opens fire on Jan)
    Jan: Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner.
  • Integra convincing the 12 to restore Hellsing's funding...courtesy of Alucard.
    Sir Penwood: Who... is that, exactly?
    Integra: Oh that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?
    Sir Penwood: Issue?
    Sir Islands: What issue?
    Sir Penwood: I don't see an issue.
    Unknown: Shut up and take our money!!!
  • This exchange:
    Alucard: And just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.
    Integra: Yes, everything turned out just fine, except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a Blood Rage.
    Seras: What's a Blood Rage? And why don't I remember anything?
  • Seras:
    Seras: (taking down Jan) ARMBARS EVERYWHERE!
    Walter: That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?
    Seras: Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!
    Walter: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.
  • Speaking of sarcasm, Jan's completely sarcastic apology to Walter is so mild-mannered compared to his normal speech patterns that it's hilarious.
    Jan: Wow, gee willikers mister. I sure am sorry for slaughtering all your guards and tearing up your mansion. I promise I've learned my less—(Walter stomps on his hand)—aww fuck! Take a joke, asshole!

     Episode 3: "The Crimson Fuckr" 
  • The preview for Episode 3:
    Seras: Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
    Alucard: GOOD!
  • Jan is brought back to life... to read the legal credits that open up every episode.
    Jan: "The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse—" The fuck is this!? You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck. That. If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kind of fucking line. Ahem. My throbbing vampire dick is a fan-based parody. Its shaft, balls, and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its official release. You know you want to.
  • The start of Episode 3 has one of the most hilarious uses of an old punchline possible.
    Abraham Van Helsing: Vampire King... you lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground, and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! WHAT SAY YOU, MONSTER! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?
    Alucard: ...The Aristocrats.
    Van Helsing: Grrr...(stakes Alucard)
    • The same scene in the Spanish fandub (the CardGames4ever version) deserves a special mention. With Van Helsing voiced over by none other than Carlos Segundo (The official voice actor for Piccolo). And the theme of Batman: The Animated Series (the epic Batman: Mask of the Phantasm remix) blaring in the background. Pure, hammy, unadulterated Comically Seriousness, ladies and gentlemen. Especially in the end.
    Alucard: ...your Mom.
    Van Helsing: Yours... (impales Alucard)
  • The ending for Episode 3. Alucard tweets it.
    • Also, the advantage that Millennium has over Hellsing: ZEPPELINS!
  • On the establishing shot of Rio: "Jesus wants a hug!" Even better in that the line was ad libbed.
  • Alucard meeting Pip and Company:
    Pip: Is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
    Integra: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing—
    Alucard: (phasing through the wall) HEYKIDSWANNASEEADEADBODY!?!
    (Opening credits play, then return to the Wild Geese still screaming)
    Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
    (The Wild Geese quiet down, whimpering literally like dogs)
    • Directly following that:
      Alucard: So, what's up with the Pride meeting?
      Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers—
      Alucard: Wait. Are these guys French?
      Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
      Alucard: We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
  • Walter's attempt to stop Alucard:
    Walter: Sir Integra, forgive me, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with—and pardon my French, no offense
    Pip: Some taken.
    Walter: —"Fuck the police." He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
    Integra: (sigh) Oh God...walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
  • Integra and Maxwell meet:
    Integra: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian piece of sh—(Switches to museum) Maxwell! Oh, it's been far too long.
    Maxwell: I agree! You're no longer that little girl I used to know; (takes off his glasses) look at all those lines on your face.
    Integra: And look at all the brown on your nose! How is the Pope doing?
    Maxwell: Better than your failing church.
    Integra: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
    Maxwell: But you don't waste time making money off of Rupert Murdoch!
    Alucard: (phasing through the wall) Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started out with the world's cruellest handicap... which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. All over his back.
    Maxwell: (losing his shit, shattering his glasses) ANDERSOOOOOOOOOON!!!
    (Anderson appears at the end of the hallway)
    Anderson: (drawing his holy knives) SERVE THE LORD WITH FEAR AND REJOICE WITH TREMBLING.
    Alucard: (drawing his guns, overjoyed) YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?!
    • This gains extra hilarity when we learn that Maxwell was essentially raised by Anderson. He is literally yelling for his father because he's getting bullied.
  • Alucard and Anderson's rematch gets sidetracked when Seras leads a tour group consisting of old people directly in their path.
    Alucard and Anderson: (borderline insane laughter as they stare one another down)
    Seras: (appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks) Right this way, Group B! That's right, right in front of everybody else; you're eighty, you're used to it! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!
    Alucard: Uh...welp, my boner's gone.
    Anderson: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
    Alucard: Wanna try this again some other time?
    Anderson: Eh sure! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
    Alucard: You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology! (Exit him and Anderson)
    Maxwell: (deeply disturbed) You...want some coffee?
    Integra: (equally disturbed)...I'd love some.
    • Made all the funnier by the fact that the Squiddles theme is playing in the background.
  • Alucard's letter to the Pope:
    Dear Chief Replacement,

    I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instil as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.

    That's right.

    I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.

    Sincerely, Alucard
    • Integra's reaction:
      Integra: I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
    • Also, the very fact Alucard writes a violent death threat to the pope every couple of days and sends it personally. "By carrier pigeon, no less! They just fly right into the Vatican!"
    • Hell, the way Maxwell speaks Alucard's nickname: "The CRIM-SON FUCKERRR."
    • However, the real cherry-on-top with this joke is that the real-life Pope has recently announced his plans to resign! Why, you ask? He's concerned about his health! Alucard's Twitter had a field day with it.
    • The fact that despite telling the guy that he's going to violently murder him and possibly do unspeakable things to his corpse, Alucard still wants the Pope to follow him on Twitter.
  • When the situation in Brazil happens, Integra takes Alucard's involvement in the whole debacle about as well as you'd expect. Not only does Alucard take pride in saying how he's gonna relax, but the jarring Smash Cut to the news report aftermath just makes it funnier.
    Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeeel
    (Smash Cut to a news report several hours later)
    Reporter: ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. (While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive Spit Take while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman) The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker...
    Integra (seething with rage and barely stopping with each period): On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
    Alucard: (among all the bodies as Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" plays) Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. (cuts the music and picks up the phone) M'yello~?
    Integra: What. Did you do?
    Alucard: ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
    Integra: WHAT. DID YOU DO?
    Alucard: Okay, first...I was minding my own business—
    Integra: (slams her hand into the table) BULLSHIT!
    Alucard: (Whiny tone of voice) I waaaaas!
    Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
    Alucard: So, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller... and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
    (SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)
    Alucard: One of them yelled out—
    Flashback!SWAT: Get on your knees!
    Alucard: And I responded with—
    Flashback!Alucard: I'm not your mother last night!
    Alucard: ...and they took exception to that.
    (SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie)
    Alucard: But you know how THAT song-and-dance goes...
    (as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)
    Alucard: ...and I killed all but one of them.
    Integra: What happened to the last one?
    (The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard grins evilly while the gun goes off.)
    Alucard: Pussed out like a bitch! Silver lining? (shot of bloody corpses) I can cancel my room service!
    • After Integra has Alucard put Seras on the phone:
      (Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker)
      Alucard: (with his mouth full) You've been really quiet for like, five minutes...(loud, noisy chewing) Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
      Integra: Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
      Alucard: ...Really? You want to talk to- Okay, bye. Whatever. ( barely audible conversation )
      Seras: 'Ello?
      Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room under any circumstance!
      Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was goin' for a walk
      • This little exchange comes off as Alucard being Integra's bratty kid and Seras as his babysitter.
    • Immediately followed by:
      (Alucard walks into the midst of a second SWAT team)
      Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team has a Freak Out!, and opens fire) Apparently, it's GREAT!!
      (carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator... with Alucard following after them)
      Integra: (wearily) Walter, be honest with me: what are we looking at in terms of collateral?
      Walter: Well...(Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses) ...the Alucard amount.
  • During the fight with the Dandy Man. All of the Yu-Gi-Oh! jokes. All of them.
    Alhambra: You activated my Trap Card. (finger snap)
    Alucard: (as a ring of cards appears around him) OH BOY— (KABOOM)
    Alhambra: (amused chuckle)
    Alucard: HEY DANDY DICK! (Cut to Alucard holding onto the wall of the hotel) You missed! (runs up the wall) Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!
    • And Alucard's Call-Back to it, right before laying a beating on Alhambra:
      Alucard: Oh, shame for you. (releasing Control Art limiters) You activated my Alu-Card.
  • Integra's Combat Commentator role:
    (Alhambra attacks Alucard and the missed attack brings more collateral damage) Oh my Go—WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS OUTSIDE?!
    (Repeat above) Well, at least he's just dodging them.
    (Alucard shoots at Alhambra and the missed attacks hit more police officers) Oh come on, that was on purpose!
  • What happens when Alucard drinks the Dandy Man's blood.
    Alucard: Hey, Dandy Man.
    Alhambra: (whimper of pain)
    Alucard: You lost.
    Alhambra: (whimper of acknowledgment)
    Alucard: And now I have to read your mind...
    Alhambra: (whimper of confusion)
    Alucard: drinking all your blood.
    Alhambra: (whimper of fear)
    Alucard: OM NOM NOM NOM. (starts devouring Alhambra)
    (Alucard's eyes going wide as the visions start)
    Alucard: The fuck is this? The fuck is that?! The fuck are THOSE?!
    • In case you're wondering, it's one of [adult swim]'s programs, Off The Air. Specifically, the Animals episode. More specifically, it's the music video for Blockhead's "The Music Scene".
      • And after he gets all of his memories:
        Alucard: (laughing maniacally while giving a Slow Clap)
        Seras: Master?
        Alucard: Hold on; I need to tweet about this...
        (Cut to Integra checking her Twitter feed, and coming across Alucard's timeline)
        [@TheCrimsonFuckr]: IT'S NAZIS! #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire
        Integra: (disgusted sigh)
        Walter: Sir Integra, is something the matter?
        Integra: It's the fucking—
        (Smash Cut to...)
        The Major: NAZIS~!
  • How Walter convinced Alucard to go to Brazil in the first place.
    Walter: Interesting - but do you think Alucard will go?
    Integra: Not as long as it's an order.
    Walter: I think I have an idea... (Smash Cut to Walter talking with Alucard) Did you know you have vacation days?
    Alucard: I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
    Walter: (curtly) Quite...
    Alucard: Well that settles it, I'm going travelling!
    Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish. Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
    Alucard: (beat)
    Walter: (beat)
    Alucard: (quickly) Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman!
    • Also, during the flight to Brazil, Alucard is in full Man of Wealth and Taste regalia with A Glass of Chianti, bobbing his head to Pitbull's "I Know You Want Me":
      Pip: So, where is the police girl?
      Alucard: Oh, you know, she's downstairs.
      Pip: ...Isn't that the cargo hold?
      (switches to a coffin strapped down to the floor of the plane)
      Seras: (inside the coffin) I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
  • The conversation between the Major and Herr Doktor:
    Doc: I'm so sorry, Major, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man.
    Major: Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He vas a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
    Doc: But, Major, now zat zey know of our plans...
    Major: Ah, Herr Doktor, but zat is the plan. Now that they know our plan, they will plan around our plans. And so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan zat zey are planning around our plan!
    Doc: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
    Major: And regardless, ve have one advantage zat zey sorely lack...ZEPPELINS!
  • Scarlet Tampon's lamentable nickname:
    "Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock: The Crimson Fuckr has checked in. I repeat: the Crimson Fuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."
    • Soon followed by:
      Alucard: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
      Scarlet Tampon: Shit shit shit! (runs away)
  • When Alucard and Alhambra meet:
    Alhambra: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this...I would have found some Union Jacks for you.
    Alucard: (bashfully) Hold on! Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?
    Alhambra: (deep, flourishing bow) I am Tubalcain Alhambra...or, "The Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality...
    Alucard: And they fucking bought that?!
    Alhambra: Like discount peixe.
    Alucard: (legitimately amused) You cheeky dick-waffle!
  • Alucard hypnotizing a hotel employee:
    Bishounen O'Brian: There we are, a regular two-bed room.
    Alucard: Hahaha, hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
    Bishounen O'Brian: I-I'm sorry sir, Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
    Alucard: (stretches out hand) I SAID... (puts finger right between O'Brian's eyes) You want to give me the penthouse.
    Bishounen O'Brian: I...want to give you the penthouse.
    Alucard: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
    Bishounen O'Brian: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
    Alucard: (turns to Pip, casual tone) See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want! (back to hypnotizing O'Brian) White Chicks was amazing.
    Bishounen O'Brian: White Chicks was amazing.
    Alucard: (enthusiastic) He believes it, too!
    Pip Bernadotte: (with the word "NO" repeated in the background) Ergh.
  • Right after Pip effortlessly kills the corrupt officials, and blows up their tent, we have this line.
    Pip: Well, let's see what he thinks about having that drink with me.
    (Smash Cut to Alucard on the roof, bleeding all over the place)
    Alucard: (groans) Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore...
    • And right before that, we here two of the police officers talking about the immortality they were promised. One of them says "Joke's on you! I'm getting double immortality!"

     Episode 4: "Trigger Warning" 
  • The preview video for Episode 4 has Maxwell interrogating a priest who is spying on the Iscariot Organization for Millennium:
    Maxwell: Due to the recent events, we have realized there is an informant within the Vatican. As such, we are opening up old case files in search of any members of the Church who may have... egregious offenses on their records.
    Priest: Well, I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!
    Maxwell: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
    Priest: ...Amongst other things.
    Maxwell: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?
    (Priest stammers in fear)
    Maxwell: Wow.
  • Tubalcain Alhambra reads the disclaimer. And ends it with telling the viewer to go suck their mother's cu-; it cuts right to the episode proper.
  • The actual episode opens with Alucard making Integra admit he was right over the phone...and getting off to it.
    Alucard: Say it.
    Integra: Fuck you.
    Alucard: After you say it.
    Integra: You're really going to force me on this.
    Alucard: I'm at half-mast. I need to hear this!
    Integra: Fine! You were right!
    Alucard: (prolonged series of pleasurable groans and shudders)
    Integra: Jump up your own ass and DIE! (slams the phone down)
    Alucard: Ohhhh... Houston, we have noooo problems.
    • Not even a second later, Anderson bursts through the door...
      Alucard: Okay, dude, I just—I just finished. I'm-a need, like, 5 minutes over here to recha—(gets decked by Anderson) Never mind, we're back in business!
  • Seras leads to a hilariously awful reference back to Episode 1.
    Seras: I've got him! (Anderson throws a bayonet near her head and she collapses on the spot in a horrified daze)
    Alucard: Ah great, and now she's triggered! Could be all day with it.
  • After that is Anderson's orders, which are pretty normal with one exception...
    Anderson: Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! And the woman!
    Pip: 'Tends, quoi...?note 
    Alucard: Man...I don't know what I find funnier—the Catholic Church strongarming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I've done to the statue of Big J~!
    Anderson: ...?
    (Cut to the statue of Christ the Redeemer, a rainbow-colored banner suspended between his outstretched hands reads 420yoloswag4jesus)
    • At the meeting later, one of Maxwell's men mentions they still haven't gotten the banner down.
      Priest: I think it's a constrictor knot.
  • Queen Elizabeth II's lines. Every one of them.
    Alucard: (genuine delight in his voice) Oh, shit! Is that Betty?!
    Guards: (as Alucard approaches) Sir, you can't just—
    Alucard: (throws guards aside) GET OUT OF MY WAY.
    Queen: (with Alucard kneeling before her) Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
    Alucard: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.
    Queen: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
    Alucard: Ah, shut up you old hag, I'd still wreck you like Diana.
    Queen: (soft laughter) Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up.
    Sir Penwood: (offscreen) ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!
    • The Queen really wants to see The Major suffer...
      Queen: Integra, Alucard.
      Alucard: Yes, sugar-lips?
      Queen: (sweet, motherly voice) When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it. So I can fall asleep to it every night.
      Maxwell: HEY!
      Alucard: Oh, shut up.
  • Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II...when he was a girl for some reason.
    Sir Reginald: Wait a second, then that implies that the Queen--
    • Made even funnier by the fact that this was not just a joke. Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, Hellsing: The Dawn, which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an incredibly effeminate appearance during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is shorter than he is.
    • The mission to go after the Major and his group? "Operation Kraut Control".
  • Rip Van Winkle. 'Nuff said.
  • When Integra wonders out loud why would Alucard know so much about the SR-71 Blackbird:
    • This is one of the few lines that got improved in the Italian fandub, where Alucard doesn't rage at Integra for not getting the Blackbird, but at Santa Claus. Fandub!Alucard believes in Santa.
  • Schrödinger at the meeting.
    • First, Alucard's reaction to him.
      Alucard: Ah. The return of the "why" boner. With a vengeance.
    • Everyone is wondering how he got in.
      Integra: How did he get in here?
      Walter: We had over a dozen guards.
      Alucard: Those were ours? I mean, oh my God! How did he get through the guards?!
    • Then his attempts at getting the T.V. to work.
      Major: Schrödinger?
      Schrödinger: It's not working, Major!
      Major: Did you click T.V., zen Power?
      Schrödinger: Oh, vait, I'm on Video 2.
      Major: Nein, Video 1!
    • Then he/she hits on Seras:
      Schrödinger: Fraulein. Fraulein? Fraulein! HEY, FRAULEIN!
      Seras: Oi!
      Schrödinger: Ve would make beautiful children.
      (Seras gawks and blushes, and Alucard shoots Schrödinger in the face)
      Alucard: Was that boy-girl bugging you?
      Major: Und like zat, ze var begins.
      Alucard: Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?
      Integra: Police Girl...?
      (Seras shoots the Major's T.V. with the Harknonen)
      Seras: (internal monologue) Huh. They would look rather nice, actually.
  • Alucard busting into the meeting with Meredith Brooks' Bitch playing from his phone. Everyone's expressions (especially Maxwell's) are what completely sell this moment.
    Alucard: Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...
    Integra: Following your example?
    Alucard: Ooo, catty~
    • Made funnier by the fact that you can hear Alucard arguing with either Seras or Pip (most likely Seras) about having forgotten the song right before they bust in.
      Alucard: Okay, screw it! Just take my phone and hit random!
      • Also, keep in mind that Alucard is busting in to meet the Queen, his old flame in the '40s... when he was a girl, for some reason.
  • When the Major finally comes into focus on the mini-TV Schrödinger brought, Alucard completely loses it and doubles over laughing, because...
    Alucard: HE'S STILL SO FUCKING FAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! HAHAHAHA! No! No! Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    • After Alucard finally manages to calm down and the Major continues unveiling his plan, Integra completely destroys his attempt to reveal what they already know:
      The Major: Now, I'm sure you're all chomping at ze bit to find out vat ve have in store for you, nein?
      Integra: (without skipping a beat) Nazi army.
      The Major: ...Wow, just... kill all ze fun! Put ze fun in camps, vhy don't you?
      Alucard: Yeah, ya Fun-Nazi.
    • Later, when the Major and Herr Doktor are discussing meeting:
      Herr Doktor: Well, Major, I zink zat went well.
      Major: You zink it vent well? Herr Doktor, I vas there. And much like our former boss—
      (camera shifts to a bound and gagged Nazi officer being killed by Vampires)
      Major: I killed it!
  • Anderson and Maxwell discuss their alliance with Hellsing is simultaneously funny and badass for how insanely bloodthirsty Anderson is.
    Maxwell: Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.
    Anderson: Then knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.
    Maxwell: ...I do not know the metaphor which you draw, but regardless we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God!
    Anderson: Oh I see. So a CRUSADE!
    Maxwell: No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it...ah...damn, what do the American cows say?
    Anderson: Peacekeeping?
    Maxwell: Right! Now, shall we keep the peace?
    Millennium Mooks: For Millennium! (Anderson kills them all)
    Anderson: Only until it's time to slide in the knife!

     Episode 5: "Lay Back and Think of Oblivion" 
  • The opening starts with a doozy:
    British Man: Hey mate, what was the last thing you'd thought you'd see in the night sky?
    Other Man: Well, that's a deep question man, I—
    First Man: No, cuz it's blimps. (cue overshot of the Millennium fleet).
  • When the Major has Herr Doktor lead the Pre-war seminar, he instructs the soldiers to open their WWIII Pamphlets to page 3 since the first two pages are just a forward from Nicolas Cage of all people.
    • For that matter, the fact that they even have WWIII Pamphlets.
  • The Nazis plan to destroy everything in London. Except the Holocaust Museum.
    The Major: Leave zat be. No one will deny vat ve did.
  • The Nazi Vampire that wants to burn down London Bridge, just so that he can sing the song.
    The Major: (unamused) Ja, ja, London Bridge is Falling Down, ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it, I don't care.
  • And the song playing during their invasion? The fittingly ironic "War", by Edwin Starr.
    • Even better is the Major lampshading it by admitting he chose it "for ironic reasons. The best reasons."
  • Just how Blood Knight the vampire soldiers are. They are just so happy to be finally bringing the joys of fire and death to their enemies.
  • Integra tells Sir Penwood to send a helicopter to pick up Alucard
    Penwood: Can't he just fly with his vampire powers?
    Integra: What? No-no he can't fly with his vampire powers!
  • The Major gets Zorin's hopes up when he tells her to go to the Hellsing manor... to provide reconnaisance. She does not take this well.
    The Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin. I need you to bring it back for me. Take a deep breath. Contain ze calamity zat is your mammaries. (Zorin growls in inarticulate rage)
    • He then elaborates as to why.
      The Major: Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing? Any woman who commands ze respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized about on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay? Most certainly. But not trifled vis!
      Zorin: But she is just VUN VOMAN!
      The Major: Und a girl. A police girl. Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Why? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature? Ze big titties? Maybe. Who knows? But I do not gamble vis maybes!
  • While Integra and Walter are driving away from the command room.
    The Major: Sergeant Klaus, have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
    Klaus: Ja, Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
    The Major: Is it on fire?
    Klaus: ...It could be more on fire.
    • When Integra is driving the car for the first time, has to deal with a platoon of Nazi vampire soldiers firing rockets at her!
      (While narrowly dodging rockets)
      Integra: YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!
    • Made funnier when a Nazi vampire kindly asks her to pull over right before this.
      (as the Nazis run up Integra's car. Cut to Integra driving, listening to calm opera music before noticing Johann right next to her driver-side window.)
      Johann: Guten Abend, could you please pull over--? (hit by Integra's car) ACK!
      Random Nazi: Well, she declined. (pulls out rocket launcher) PANZERFAUST!
  • Walter and Integra hear Sir Penwood's last stand.
    Integra: ...Walter.
    Walter: ...Yes, Sir Integra?
    Integra: Sir Penwood was a—(car runs over someone)--SON OF A BITCH!
  • Walter sending Integra on her own.
    Walter: You need to take the car and make your way to HQ on your own. I believe in you, ma'am.
    Integra: Walter... There's something I want you to know.
    Walter: There is no time for good-byes, Sir Integra.
    Integra: No, I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.
    Walter: Oh. Well... Perfect time to learn.
    • Never mind when she actually gets into the car.
      Integra: Okay...which one's the clu—(car suddenly starts and takes off down the road)-OKAY, WE'RE DRIVING!
  • After Integra comments how "It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year-old woman":
    Nazi 1: Zat's a woman?
    Nazi 2: She is 22?
  • Right after Anderson's Dynamic Entry, the Nazi Mooks discuss his long list of aliases:
    Nazi Soldiers: God's Assassin...Saint Guillotine... Ze Angel's Dust... Judas Priest.
    Soldier A: Vait, like ze band?
    Soldier B: (in utter terror) ZEY WERE NAMED AFTER HIM!
  • Anderson's Big Damn Heroes moment:
    Anderson: By Jove, you fuckin' header of a woman! You're surrounded by fifty Nazi vampires, armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do?! You get out of your fuckin' car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads, and yell "Come at me, you Kraut shits!" NO WONDER Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil! I'M THINKING ABOUT GROWIN' SOME FLOWERS MYSELF!
  • Anderson is just the gift that keeps on giving in this episode. He follows that line with:
    Anderson: You know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well that got me thinking, so I acquired a couple of learned youngsters myself! Two of them, which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker: One's Japanese and the other one's fucking German! Ain't that topical? I just need me an Italian and I got myself an AXIS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS! Yumi, say something in moon speak!
    Yumi: Hai.
    Anderson: Ha ha! And the German one's Heinkel, she shoots things, it's great!
    Heinkel: (gravely) Pop, pop, watchin' heathens drop.
  • The Nazi Vampires criticize Anderson's use of his bayonets. He gives his own demonstration soon enough.
    Nazi Vampire: (mockingly) Ze Iscariots? We're not scared of you. Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet. It goes on ze gun, idiot!
    Anderson: Now if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariot to do yer job for ya and put these soulless bodies where they belong! In the ground, in case you didn't take—
    (Nazis charge, Anderson kills them both)
    Anderson: (casually, without missing a beat) In case you didn't take my meaning.
  • Alucard's only line in The Stinger.
    Alucard: (sniffs) Something's burning...

     Episode 6: "Jour de Colère" 
  • Anderson rejects the notion that he can run out of bayonets.
    Heinkel: That was the last one. Good thing, too: I was afraid you'd run out of bayonets.
    Anderson: Care to correct yourself?
    Heinkel: S-sorry sir! You have bayonets for days!
    Anderson: Bayonets for days.
  • Integra realizing what Anderson is (after wondering why Anderson & co. went all Big Damn Heroes):
    Integra: Alucard would've left Maxwell to die... Probably after putting a bullet in his leg...
    Anderson: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that prat Maxwell when it suits me! And if I let the woman die, I'd've been none of the three!
    Integra: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?
    Anderson: Aye!
    Integra: Good God it's strange to see from the outside.
  • Zorin's proper introduction:
    Captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz. Ve are just outside the Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zis position as ve observe — !
    Zorin: No! All hands to battle stations!
    Captain:'am! Our orders — !
    Zorin: I have been vaiting for zis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, and a target. I vill NOT be cockblocked at ze point of entry by zat LITTLE BLONDE TOAD! will get vat ve have coming to us! Now Captain...LAUNCH THE VEE ONES!
    Captain (sounding turned on): YES, MA'AM!
  • Seras' backstory is this if not a Tear Jerker.
    Pip: So, ma chere, what was it like growing up in England?
    Seras: (flashback to her parents' murder and mother's rape) I grew up in Leeds. Nothing happened.
  • Pip's grandfather when Pip is bullied for being from a family of mercenaries.
    Grandfather: Quoi! How are you not the coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it the son of the Butcher Jean-Paul? Perhaps this little piggy should find a grenade in his lunchbox and so when he opens it, it pulls the pin.
    Pip: Please do not kill my friends.
    Grandfather: Oh, mon cher petit fils... I'm not going to do it.
    Pip: (whimpering) Quoi?
    • When they cut back to the present.
      Seras: Oh my God.
      Pip: Oh, relax, it was a flashbang. A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone.
  • If there's a word that describes Zorin, it's 'Loud'.
    Crewman: Ve're being shredded, Lieutenant!
    Crewman: Vell, ve just lost two engines.
    Zorin: CUNT!
    Captain: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking zis kind of damage! Ve're going to crash!
    Zorin: Zen give me ramming speed, captain... RIGHT INTO ZAT BITCH!
    Captain: Vhich bitch, Lieutenant...?
  • Landmines.
    Nazi: (Click) Huh. Landmines. Landmines!?
    Several Nazi Infantry, Over One Another: ...LANDMINES?! (BOOM!)
    Another Nazi Infantry: (after several of his colleagues got blown up by landmines) Holy shit, they planted landmines!!
    Pip: (casually) Oh, zey found ze landmines.
    Seras: Oh my god, they planted landmines?! (horrified) We walk our dogs out there...
    • One of the Nazis hit by a claymore charge goes out with a Wilhelm Scream.
  • Pip explaining to Willingham why he's so relaxed:
    Willingham: No offense, sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual. But aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?
    Pip: Honestly, Willingham. We were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead, we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.
    Willingham: Still kinda crazy though, isn't it?
    Pip: No way! If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in the Middle East that we would be fighting Nazi Vampires, I'd have kissed you full on the mouth! But now... all I feel is robbed.
  • When giant Zorin appears:
    Pip: Sainte putain de merde!
    Mercenary: What?!
    Pip: What she said! It is! 
    Zorin: Peekaboo... I'LL KILL YOU!! (drops scythe on Hellsing Manor)
    Pip: I want to go back to the Middle East!
  • When Seras and the others are attacked by what seems to be a giant Zorin Blitz.
    Seras: We're gonna die... to a giant German Nazi vampire woman with a scythe... that screaming homeless man on the train was right!
    Alucard: (derisive laughter) You're kidding, right? This basic bitch has you believing she's a giant?!
    Seras: Master? Where—
    Alucard: On a boat in the middle of, uh... the fucking... I dunno, Atlantic? Ah, fuck it ...the ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours.
    Seras: But Master, I only have two eyes...
    Alucard: No, you have three eyes. You're a vampire.
    Seras: Do... you have three eyes?
    Alucard: Sweetheart, I've got so many eyes. Eyes for days.
    Seras: Eyes for days...?
    Alucard: Eyes for days. Now... look past your own self...
    Seras: Uh... How—
    Alucard: (all kinds of exasperated) OH MY GOD. GO CROSS-EYED! JESUS!
    Seras: (goes cross-eyed with an incredibly derpy sounding moan)
  • Each of Bernadotte's mercenaries' last names are taken from those of the voice actors who portrayed them in the original show (Travis Willingham, Matthew Mercer, Doug Erholtz, Sam Riegel, and Kyle Hebert.)
  • One of the mercenaries' reaction to (seemingly) losing his arm (or rather lack thereof):
    Mercenary: (completely casual) Well, high-fives are gonna suck now.
    • Another mercenary is more concerned with getting crushed by Zorin's giant vagina.
      Mercenary: Okay, what does your internet history look like?!
  • After Seras breaks Zorin's illusion.
    Seras: Mr. Bernadotte, it was just an illusion. Like push-up bras or stilettos.
    Pip: Wait... you wear a push-up bra?
    Seras: I don't wear a bra.
    Mercenary: (to himself) Ohhhh, my god...
  • Seras apparently has not quite mastered the art of the Pre-Mortem One-Liner.
    Pip: (beat) ...Eat schnitzel in Hell?
    Seras: Oh, my apologies, what would you have said?
    Pip: Don't be so sour, kraut!
    (the mercenaries laugh)
    Erholtz: 99 Dead Balloons!
    (more laughter)
    Mercenary: Hasta auf weidersehen!
    (even more laughter)
    Seras: (laughing) You've been Autobahned!
    Seras: Like the— like...
    Pip: Let's get a move on.
    Seras: (sulkily) Oh, choke on a baguette of dicks.
  • "This is a reach-around joke, innit?"
    Pip: Mon Dieu, I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen. If the British is good at anything, it's hunting. And you are hunting the most dangerous game of all.
    Seras: Nazi vampires.
    Pip: Damn it, that used to sound so cool! But then you say it so much and "Nazi vampires" just sounds stupid!
    Seras: Oh, right? Maybe we'll fight something else, like maybe a Nazi Werewolf?
    Pip: Merde, that sounds so much worse! *explosions* Right... World War Trois. Ma chere! Like a high class escort, make them pay for every inch!
    Seras: (muttering) I can't believe I find you attractive...
    Pip: 'Pardon, quoi? (as she leaves) Wait, what?!
    Willingham: Uh, so, sir? What's the over-under on any of us finishing this mission alive?
    Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.
    Willingham: I don't know, those vampires do look kind of rapey.
    Mercenary: Holy shit, dude!
  • The entire scene of Maxwell meeting his new army. It starts with the overly long name of the Italian forces and their leader and keeps going from there.
    • Maxwell learns that the American government has gone into collapse. Though the report that the informant is carrying clearly says otherwise, he tells Maxwell that Millennium is not the cause, leaving him bewildered.note 
    • "I bring the Mexican Inquisition!"
      Maxwell: I did not expect you.
      Inquisitor: No one ever does!
    • Maxwell doesn't think the group from Poland is even Catholic (the leader has a Star of David on his cloak).
      Sacred Order Member: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the Sacred Order of the Temple Beth Zion.note 
      Maxwell: Oh. I've...not heard of your order. You're...sure you're Catholic?
      Sacred Order Member: Eh, of course!
      Maxwell: You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?
      Sacred Order Member: Hey, if we're killing Nazis, we'll worship a side of bacon!
      • Another hint of this group's true allegiance comes during Maxwell's Motive Rant, when the Polish leader tries to cut in arguing that Jesus isn't actually the Son of God. Also, he loses his accent here.
      • This exchange becomes doubly hilarious when Episode #8 reveals that the Temple Beth Zion aren't there to back up Iscariot at all, and are actually there to steal a chunk of the organizations helicopters and weapons as a way of getting back at them for, among other things, the Rhineland Massacres.
    • From Canada comes...Abbot Puiser and the Crusaders of the Salvation Army.
      Abbot Puiser: Fuck bro, let's kill us some gays!
      Maxwell: Nazis.
      Abbot Puiser: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?
    • And finally, the KKK (whose leader has the same voice and Southern accent as Android 13), who even Maxwell has trouble accepting into his ranks.
      Jed: Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Nazis. Some of my best friends are Neo-Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so...
      Maxwell: (clearly uncomfortable) Mi scusi... And you are—
      Jed: Jed Forrest! From the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300-and-change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hanging Noose!
      Maxwell: Wowalrightokay. Thank you for... swinging by... Oh, God
      Jed: No worries. Hey, I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, cuz Jim brought more in his truck.
      Maxwell: That's, uh, really not necessary—
      Jed: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck?
      Jim: (from offscreen) 'Bout a few!
      Jed: 'Bout a few.
      Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade...
    • Enrico Maxwell, everyone: wants to launch a Holy War and install himself as Pope, draws the line at belligerent racism.
      Maxwell: And when we have purged England of all its demons and heathens, WE. WILL—
      Jed: Round up all those dirty ni—
      Maxwell: (highly pissed off) OKAY, YOU NEED TO CHILL!!
    • "Fuck, bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' SEX."
    • The fact that one of the images of Jesus shown during Maxwell's Rousing Speech / rant against Pope Francis is the botched restoration of Elias Garcia Martinez's Ecce Homo mural.

     Episode 7: "A Scythe For Sore Eyes" 

    Episode 8: "Deus Ex Anderson" 
  • Maxwell's opening speech to the people of London is almost heartwarming... and then we're reminded what kind of person Maxwell is.
    Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians, we've come to save you —
    Citizen: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
    Mawell: (sneering) — FROM YOURSELVES!
    Citizen: (resigned) Oh no, it's the Catholic Church.
  • Maxwell plunges headlong into Crazytown, and there's a bit of quibbling among Anderson's group:
    Integra: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little... You should probably have a talk with him.
    Heinkel: He...he's just under a lot of pressure!
    Heinkel: I mean, words only have as much meaning as ve give zem.
    Integra: (practically dripping with sarcasm) You're right; a lot open to interpretation there...
    Heinkel: Perhaps one of us should have a talk wis him...
    Maxwell: (over loudspeaker) I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!
    Anderson: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.
    • Integra goes full troll:
      Integra: Oh, I have an idea.
      Anderson: (Warningly) Womaaaan...
      Integra: Why not write down a formal protest?
      Anderson: Don't you daaaaaare...
      Integra: You can nail it to his door.
      Anderson: Don't you fuckin' daaaaare!
      Integra: Like a Protestant! (Every Iscariot member draws their guns and points them at Integra for the "insult")
    • And when Seras shows up to protect Integra, Anderson taunts her about how their last encounter went.
      Seras: Why don't you try stickin' it in me again? I might like it this time.
      Heinkel: Father Anderson!
      Anderson: Context, Heinkel!
  • Seras explains the previous events at Hellsing Manor in four terse sentences:
    Seras: Place is secure. Everyone's dead. Ate Pip. Full fledged vampire now.
    • Also Anderson calling Alucard Seras' Blood Sugar-Daddy.
  • Crossing over into being awesome, Alucard entering into battle...with Andrew W. K's "Ready to Die" playing in the background, except it's coming from the ship itself. And no one does anything during his minute long entrance. The only one who doesn't looked shocked is Integra, with a look on her face that says "Of course he's doing that".
  • The fact that Alucard still doesn't know the Captains name, which in turn causes this "conversation" to occur:
    Alucard: Anderson! It's been only been two days but it feels like years! Aaand you! Um. How are...I wanna say Logan? Andersonwhat'sthisguy'sname?
    The Captain: (annoyed growl)
    Alucard: Oh! Better watch out for "RHRMRM!"
  • Afterwards, Integra shouts to him and he replies with an exasperated "Whaaaaaaaat!?"
    • Integra's first attempt to order Release Level Zero uses the formal wording, only to be interrupted by a loud hick.
      Integra: Fuck it, dropping the formalities. Alucard! Go for a walk.
    • And during Alucard's "Walk", Integra expressing mixed feelings to herself over how he's actually following her orders without any sass.
      Integra: It's simultaneously satisfying... and disappointing.
  • The longer the episode goes on, the more Millennium's and Maxwell's forces get the Alucard Treatment. Among the few survivors are the Sacred Order of the Temple Beth Zion, who only joined the battle in the first place to screw over the Catholic Church by stealing their weapons and helicopters.
    Maxwell: Send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!
    (a wave of bodies crests over the streets of London, overwhelming their forces)
    Don Diego de la Vega: They expected us! They expected all of us! DIOS MÍO, NO!
    Maxwell: (starting to panic) Send in the Salvation Army!
    (a literal wave of bodies sweeps over them)
    Abbot Puiser: (firing wildly) Holy fuck, bros! That's what we get for sticking our necks out!
    (Puiser is impaled through the neck on lances and carried off)
    Maxwell: (really panicking) Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!
    Bartłomiej Jeleniak: (as his forces fly off in stolen helicopters) Seriously, I can't believe they actually thought we were going to help them!
    (soldiers start laughing)
    Zion Soldier: (flipping Maxwell off) That's for the Rhineland Massacres, ya schmuck!
    • If you listen closely to the Zion Soldiers laughter you might notice the Scout is part of their group.
    • Another one spared this fate is the KKK knight who managed to piss off Maxwell. Not because he was smart and fled or Alucard decided to show mercy, but because Alucard got tired of his crap and shot him mid-introduction.
      Alucard: Shshsh. Do you hear that?
      Jed: Do I hear wha- (eyes cross to look at his new bullethole)
      Alucard: Hm, must have just been the wind.
    • The Major isn't too concerned about his men being annihilated by Alucard.
      Doktor: Also, I believe our forces are being (chuckles) quite literally slaughtered.
      Major: Ha! Who gives a shit? Zey're Nazis!
  • The Major and Herr Doktor amuse themselves over the fact that Maxwell apparently never realized just who they were actually up against.
    Major: It's kind of hilarious in a mundane vay, isn't it?
    Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO...!
    Doktor: What is, Herr Major?
    Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO!
    Major: Zat none of zese vhaffle-munchers ever put it together zat "Alucard" backwards is-
    Doktor: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure zat out?
    Major: A fair point. But ve vere very busy planning Vorld Var III~!
    • Which gets mentioned later:
      Dracula: You do know it's just my name spelled—
      Anderson: Of course I do! Shut up and bring him out!
  • Just the fact that, according to the subtitles, Maxwell referred to himself as the Neo-Pope.
  • While Maxwell's death isn't very funny at all, the lead-up to it is. Maxwell is protected from Alucard's zombies by his Holy Popebox, and brags that nothing can break it but the will of God Himself. Cue him being interrupted mid-sentence by a thrown bayonet of Anderson's, which smashes the box.
    Maxwell: ANDERSON! ¿¡POR QUE?! [WHY?!]
    • After telling the Iscariots about Maxwell's death, Anderson says what is probably one of the smartest lines anybody has ever had.
      Anderson: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be crying all day.
  • Integra elaborates on how Alucard had absorbed so many souls - after having grown bored of wanton slaughter, he started just hanging around battlefields and letting people slaughter each other and cleaning up after.
    Integra: He calls it his... ugh, #LifeHack.
    Seras: (sigh) He would.
    • Then they go greet him in his Dracula form. He's surprisingly more polite and stoic than regular ol' Alucard. But...
      Dracula: Please, just call me Drac.
      Integra: ...I don't think I'm going to do that.
      Dracula: As you wish.
  • Seras, while still in her One-Winged Angel mode, gets a pat on the head from Dracula and is so ecstatic that she lets out a rapid fire giggle that sounds like the chittering of a squirrel.
  • When Anderson formally challenges Dracula, he gripes that he wants to face Alucard instead, because he's the one he'd built up his rivalry with. True to form...
    Alucard: Hey there padre, how's little Timmy? Y'know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Did you miss me?
    Anderson: Like coke after Lent!
    Alucard: ...Wait, are we talking cola, or cocai—(they start fighting)
  • Among the souls captured and enthralled to him are Alhambra and Rip Van Winkle.
    Alucard: Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ...Associates? ...slaves. I br—I brought slaves.
    • And then Alucard goes Combat Commentator as Anderson starts killing his way through his familiars:
      Alucard: The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it's off to the races folks! He swings to the left! He SWINGS to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen!
      [Anderson skewers multiple familiars with bayonets on a chain and sets off the explosives in them]
      Alucard: And what's this? Oh, it's a regular old bayonet jamboree! And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600 pounds? It's BIIIIIIIIIIG BARRY!
      [Big Barry catches Anderson's blade with his mouth and pins Anderson's arm.]
      Alucard: Better watch out! He's got no gag reflex! And he's a hugger! [Alucard's horsemen appear and rush Anderson] But wait, there's MORE!
  • Alucard takes an instant shine to Heinkel after she gives Anderson some lip.
    Heinkel: You don't have to follow orders when our leader's acting like a daft cunt!
    Anderson: ...that's the only time you get to call me any kind of cunt.
    Alucard: She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!
    • When Yumie kills Big Barry, she delivers a Tokyo TV-style promotional for the Iscariot Order.
  • "Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?"
  • Alucard reveals his Famous Last Words.
    Alucard: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink before they wake up in an hour.
  • When Anderson pulls out Helena's Nail, it incurs a massive Oh, Crap! ... from his own forces.
    Heinkel: Isn't that one of ze nails zat pierced Christ's body?!
    Yumie: Hai. (Yup.)
    Heinkel: From ze "Don't Fuck Wis Zis" Armory?!
    Yumie: Haai. (Yuup.)
    Heinkel: Where they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead Sea Scrolls, and ze actual body of Christ?!
    Yumie: Haaaai. (YuuuP.)
  • Anderson taunts Alucard about talking to God. When Anderson goes One-Winged Angel thanks to Helena's nail, driving a bayonet through his skull and having tendrils made of scriptures pouring out of him, Alucard is awfully blase about it.
    Alucard: Ugh... shit, this hurts! This is a deep pain...(holy fire erupts around him and he starts sounding excited) Oh, cool, it gets worse!
    (the screen goes white)
    God: Vlad Tepes of Wallachia... Son of the Dragon... The Impaler...
  • The entire conversation between Alucard, God, and Satan, who turns out to be a pretty nice dude.
    God: What is the source of your anger, child?
    Alucard: Fuck you, you're omniscient, you already know.
    God: Yes. I want you to say it. (Alucard glares silently) Hm... was it the ten years of ra—
    Alucard: IT WAS THE TEN YEARS OF RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Let me ask you something, "Yahweh", which set of prints were yours in the sand: the hand prints, the knee prints, or the footprints behind those?!
    Satan: Hey, by the way, can I get my dogs back?
    Alucard: NO! THEY'RE MINE NOW!
  • Crosses over with Tearjerker a bit, but as he's dying, Anderson finally admits that The Boondock Saints is indeed his favorite movie.
    Alucard: (chuckles sadly) Fucking called it.
    • The "You stole my heart" line.
      Alucard: (through tears) Fuck — fuckin — come on, man.
  • In a Black Comedy way, there's Walter's Diabolus ex Machina when he suddenly shows up, kills Anderson mid-sentence, and then snarks about it.
    Anderson: As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world, I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?
    Alucard: Of course... my friend.
    Anderson: I — (Walter lands on his head, crushing him)
    Walter: — said three Hail Mary's, took my vitamins, fucked off, and died. Amen.

     The Twitters 
  • Alucard's twitter is a veritable goldmine of hilarity.
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Just tried to get through airport security out of Brazil. Nope.
    BT_PoliceGirl: Think it might have somethin' t'do with the fact that YOU WERE FILMED SLAUGHTERIN' PEOPLE?
    TheCrimsonFuckr: I will not apologize for art.
    BT_PoliceGirl: And you've been watchin' too many popular internet videos.
  • Police Girl's has some funny bits too.
    BT_PoliceGirl: Poor Walter was upset [Alucard] was getting blood everywhere, so Master decided to roll about on the floor and against the walls.
  • Alucard's response to the Pope stepping down. (a reference his letters to the Pope)
    TheCrimsonFuckr: NA NA NA NA! NA NA NA NA! HEEE~Y! GOODBYE!
    BT_PoliceGirl: Oh why d'you have to be so bloody loud so early? Blimey..!
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Because I won. Shut up.
  • And then after the World Cup when Germany stomped Brazil in the semifinals:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Wow, haven't seen Brazilians get slaughtered like this since... well, you know.
  • And whatever this is:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: My New Years Resolution? Eat less. Which is the opposite of last year's resolution: Help trim the homeless population.
  • When the account itself became active again from a 2 year hiatus to signify Alucard being off the ship in Episode 8 (He can't get a signal in the middle of the ocean after all), he only has this to say:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: So I get back and neo-Nazis are everywhere, everything is on fire, and a pudgy little shit bag is in power. Also I'm back in London.
    • Not to mention the earlier tweet that pretty much set the fans to overdrive:
    TheCrimsonFuckr: Rest is for the weak...

     The Christmas Special 
  • Integra being furious over the fact Alucard shot Santa, which is surprising considering she didn't question how that could even be the real Santa. But considering her childhood and current life, it's possible that Integra kept believing that Santa was actually real - seeing as her coworkers are literally vampires, disbelief in Santa would be Arbitrary Skepticism.
  • Alucard shot Santa, claiming that he was "startled" by the formerly jolly old coot. Integra accuses him of planning this, which he denies... most unconvincingly.
  • Police Girl secured the sleigh! (But Vixen died in the process.)
  • Apparently Alucard found an elf costume for the Police Girl. Whether it was meant for humans or elves is a mystery. Alucard tries to cheer Integra up by looking on the bright side:
    Alucard: You won't believe how cheap [Seras's] elf costume was...
    Integra: (hisses)
    Alucard: (proudly) ...I stole it!
  • Alucard wanting his The Nightmare Before Christmas moment.
  • The tale ends with Alucard and the Police Girl going off in the sleigh to save Christmas... "Until Alucard got bored, and kind of wandered off".

  • LittleKuriboh's little freak-out and "I told you so"-moment to Lanipator and KaiserNeko at ConnectiCon 2014 when someone brought up there are no Dairy Queen branches in Englandnote . He would know that, for obvious reasons, and his happy dance at being right was incredibly hilarious.
  • At the same convention, Lanipator told a story that he did his Major "Gentlemen, we... are Nazis" speech at a con in Australia. In a room with 800 or so Con Goers. His comment on it was "I basically led a Nazi rally, at a con, in Australia. My World War II veteran grandfather would be so proud."
    Lanipator / The Major: Gentlemen, we... are Nazis.
    800 Con Goers: SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
    Lanipator / The Major: And we, will have war!
    800 Con Goers: SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
    • KaiserNeko mentioned right after that story that he did recording for some of the Nazis in that scene, and ended up shouting "SIEG HEIL!" for thirty minutes or so in his house. He was glad he didn't have Jewish neighbors.
  • In this video, TFS is reading Fifty Shades of Grey. At 35:08, hbi2k yells at the top of his lungs (as Alexander Anderson) "FUCK ME CHRISTIAN!" Taka flails around, laughing wildly, and tries to start up the "YES!" chants; he gets about two steps before he trips on a chair and eats total shit when he lands on the floor. Given the reactions to hbi2k's line, it's amazing that Taka was the only one who crashed to the floor in uncontrolled laughter.
    • Even worse, someone else on stage does get a proper "YES!" chant going.
    • He later comes back during Megami33's turn, leading to this exchange at 40:01.
    Megami33 (as Integra): Goddammnit, he's alive.
    Taka (as Alucard): Yep! I bled a little for you. You bleed once a month, you know what I mean. (audience groans) ...'Cause she has a vagina!
  • A behind-the-scenes look at how Nowacking said her lines for Seras in Episode 7. When she is acting out her screams of pain, her cat understandably keeps walking up to her and interrupting her. After comforting the cat, she resumes screaming and her cat comes back a second time.
    Nowacking: She's never cared this much about me, ever.

Alternative Title(s): Hellsing Abridged