"Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree..."
"Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blond eviscerated puppy."
The "field report"-
Integra: So, that's your field report?
Integra: You went for walk in the forest at midnight?
Integra: You killed a homicidal vampire priest?
Integra: ...And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a—
Both: Big-tittied police girl.
The current mission's "field report"-
Integra: So, that's your field report?
Integra: So, you broke into the house-
Integra: And you shot him thirty-six times—
Integra: And took out his partner—
Alucard: To be fair, that was the Police Girl—
Integra: —With the big titties. (Beat) You need to stop going on "walks".
Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
Alucard: I take enthusiastic walks.
Integra: And kill homicidal vampire priests...
Alucard:Very enthusiastic walks.
"Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead, only like, 100 times more awesome!"
Made even funnier due to the whole scene showing Seras with a bored look on her face rather than Alucard's joy-fueled carnage.
Then when Seras finally does join in, Alucard gives us this line:
Alucard: Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes!
Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
*Mexican standoff ensues*
Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?
And not just that exchange—that entire scene with Luke and Alucard is basically one long Crowning Moment of Funny from beginning to end.
Somehow, Jan is even more hilarious than he is in the actual series.
Jan: Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! (Ghoul groans)
The entire scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen. "The note on the claim said, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."
Integra: (thinking) I WOULD DO FUCKING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW TO GET OUT OF THIS. (Cut to Luke and Jan Valentine walking up the path to the Hellsing HQ) Jan: ...and so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin! Luke: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you. Jan: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that? Luke: For god's sake, Jan, think of mother! Jan: ...I ain't jerking off right now...
During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:
Communications officer: "HEEY THERE, you fat...English...whore..."
Jan: That's more like it. Now keep going.
Communications officer: "Me...and my big brother Luke, are killing...all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace...with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." Oh God...
Jan: Keep reading or I shoot the other testicle!
Communications officer: "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." (breaks down) "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood...and semen." Oh God, this is horrible!
Jan: You ain't finished yet!
Communications officer: "So prepare your dried-out pussy...for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO!!(BLAM!!!)
Jan: Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh, now that shit is priceless! (Hangs up)
The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
Walter: (snags Jan's right arm with his Razor Wire as he tries to run) I've got your arm! Jan: (keeps running and lets his arm get ripped off) So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA! (Jan charges down the hall until he bursts into the room with Integra and the Council of Twelve. When he gets their, they're all pointing their anti-vampire weaponry at him.) Jan: ...Well that's just not fair... Integra: I'm sorry; I don't give a shit. (Everyone opens fire on Jan) Jan: (getting riddled with bullets)FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK...
Jan: (on fucking fire) The one who sent me was...Naaaaaziiiiiis.
The start of Episode 3 has one of the most hilarious uses of an old punchline possible.
Sir Hellsing: Vampire King...you lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground, and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! WHAT SAY YOU, MONSTER! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?
[Opening credits play, then return to the Wild Geese still screaming]
Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
[The Wild Geese stop, with dog whining heard]
Directly following that:
Alucard: So, whats up with the Pride meeting? Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers— Alucard: Wait. Are these guys French? Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied. Alucard: We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
Walter's attempt to stop Alucard:
Walter: Sir Integra, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with—and pardon my French, no offense—
Integra:(Sigh) Oh God...walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
Integra and Maxwell meet:
Integra: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian piece of sh—[Switches to museum] Maxwell! Oh, it's been far too long.
Maxwell: I agree! You're no longer that little girl I used to know; (takes off his glasses) look at all those lines on your face.
Integra: And look at all the brown on your nose! How is the Pope doing?
Maxwell: Better than your failing church.
Integra: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
Maxwell: But you don't waste time making money off of Rupert Murdoch!
Alucard:(phasing through the wall) Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started out with the world's cruelest handicap....which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. All over his back.
Seras: (appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks) Right this way, Group B! That's right, right in front of everybody else; you're eighty, you're used to it! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!
Alucard: Uh...welp, my boner's gone.
Anderson: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
Alucard: Wanna try this again some other time?
Anderson: Of course! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
Alucard: You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology! [Exit him and Anderson]
Made all the funnier by the fact that the Squiddles theme is playing in the background.
Alucard's letter to the Pope:
Dear Chief Replacement,
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
When the situation in Brazil happens, Integra takes Alucard's involvement in the whole debacle about as well as you'd expect. Not only does Alucard take pride in saying how he's gonna relax, but the jarring Smash Cut to the news report aftermath just makes it funnier.
Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeeel— (Smash Cut to a news report several hours later) Reporter: ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. (While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive Spit Take while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman) The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some Ozzy Osbourne looking motherfucker... Integra(seething with rage): On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!! Alucard:(among all the bodies) Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. (cuts the music and picks up the phone) M'yello~? Integra: What. Did you do. Alucard: ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me. Integra: WHAT. DID YOU DO. Alucard: Okay, first...I was minding my own business— Integra:(slams her hand into the table) BULLSHIT! Alucard: (Whiny tone of voice) I waaaaas! Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?! Alucard: Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door! (SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard) Alucard: One of them yelled out— Flashback!SWAT: Get on your knees! Alucard: And I responded with— Flashback!Alucard:I'm not your mother last night! Alucard: ...and they took exception to that. (SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie) Alucard: But you know how THAT song-and-dance goes... (as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.) Alucard: ...and I killed all but one of them. Integra: What happened to the last one? (The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard grins evilly while the gun goes off.) Alucard:Pussed out like abitch!Silver lining? (shot of bloody corpses)I can cancel my room service!
After Integra has Alucard put Seras on the phone:
(Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker) Alucard: (with his mouth full) You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...(loud, noisy chewing) Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it? Integra: Alucard, put the police girl on the phone. Alucard: ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( barely audible conversation "Hey, y'got phone from *mumble*" "Why does she wanna talk?" "The fuck do I know? Just go talk to her, I'm going for a walk.") Seras: 'Ello? Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room! Under any circumstance! Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was goin' for a walk— Integra:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Immediately followed by:
*Alucard walks into the midst of a second SWAT team*
Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? *SWAT team opens fire*Apparently it's great!
*carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator*
Integra:(wearily) Walter, be honest with me: what are looking at in terms of collateral?
Walter: Well...*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses* the Alucard amount.
During the fight with the Dandy Man. All of the Yu-Gi-Oh! jokes. All of them.
Alhambra: You activated my Trap Card. (finger snap) Alucard: (as a ring of cards appears around him)OH BOY—(KABOOM) Alhambra: (amused chuckle) Alucard: HEY DANDY DICK! (Cut to Alucard holding onto the wall of the hotel) You missed! (runs up the wall)Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!
And Alucard's Call Back to it, right before laying a beating on Dandyman:
Alucard: Oh shame for you. You activated my Alu-Card.
(Dandy Man attacks Alucard and the missed attack brings more collateral damage) "Oh my Go—WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS OUTSIDE?!"
(Repeat above) "Well, at least he's just dodging them."
(Alucard shoots at Dandy Man and the missed attacks hit more police officers) "Oh come on, that was on purpose!"
What happens when Alucard drinks the Dandy Man's blood.
Alucard: Hey, Dandy Man. Alhambra:(whimper of pain) Alucard: You lost. Alhambra:(whimper of acknowledgment) Alucard: And now I have to read your mind... Alhambra:(whimper of confusion) Alucard: ...by drinking all your blood. Alhambra:(whimper of fear) Alucard:OM NOM NOM NOM.(starts devouring Alhambra) (Alucard's eyes going wide as the visions start) Alucard: The fuck is this?The fuck is that?!The fuck are THOSE?!
In case you're wondering, it's one of Adult Swim's programs, Off The Air. Specifically, the Animals episode. More specifically, It's the music video for Blockhead's The Music Scene.
And after he gets all of his memories:
Alucard: (laughing maniacally while giving a Slow Clap) Seras: Master? Alucard: Hold on; I need to tweet about this... (Cut to Integra checking her Twitter feed, and coming across Alucard's timeline) @TheCrimsonFuckr: IT'S NAZIS! #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire Integra: (disgusted sigh) Walter: Sir Integra, is something the matter? Integra: It's the fucking— (Smash Cut to...) The Major: NAZIS~!
How Walter convinced Alucard to go to Brazil in the first place.
Walter: Did you know you have vacation days?
Alucard: I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
Alucard: Well that settles it, I'm going traveling!
Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish. Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
Major: And regardless, we have one advantage that they sorely lack...ZEPPELINS!
Scarlet Tampon's lamentable nickname:
"Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock: The Crimson Fuckr has checked in. I repeat: the Crimson Fuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."
Soon followed by:
Alucard: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
Scarlet Tampon: Shit shit shit!
When Alucard and Alhambra meet:
Alhambra: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this...I would have found some Union Jacks for you. Alucard: (bashfully) Hold on! Did you put all this on for me? Who are you? Alhambra: (deep, flourishing bow) I am Tubalcain Alhambra...or, "The Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality... Alucard: And they fucking bought that?! Alhambra: Like discount peixe. Alucard: (legitimately amused) You cheeky dick-waffle!
Alucard hypnotizing a hotel employee:
Bishounen O'Brian: There we are, a regular two-bed room.
Alucard: Hahaha, hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
Bishounen O'Brian: I-I'm sorry sir, Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
Alucard:*stretches out hand*I SAID...*Puts finger right between O'Brian's eyes* You want to give me the penthouse.
Pip Bernadotte:(with the word "NO" repeated in the background) Ergh.
The preview video for Episode 4 has Maxwell interrogating a priest who is spying on the Iscariot Organization for Millennium:
Maxwell: Due to the recent events, we have realized there is an informant within the Vatican. As such, we are opening up old case files in search of any members of the Church who may have...the greatest offenses on their records. Priest: Well, I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no! Maxwell: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality? Priest: ...Amongst other things. Maxwell:Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house? [Priest stammers in fear] Maxwell:Wow.
Tubalcain Alhambra reads the disclaimer. And ends it with telling the viewer to go suck their mother's cu-; it cuts right to the episode proper.
The actual episode opens with Alucard making Integra admit he was right over the phone...and getting off to it.
Alucard: Say it. Integra: Fuck you. Alucard: After you say it. Integra: You're really going to force me on this. Alucard: I'm at half-mast. I NEED to hear this! Integra: FINE! YOU WERE RIGHT. Alucard: (prolonged series of pleasurable groans and shudders) Integra: JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE!(slams the phone down) Alucard: Ohhhh...Houston, we have noooo problems.
Not even a second later, Anderson bursts through the door...
Alucard: Okay, dude, I just—I just finished. I'm-a need, like, 5 minutes over here to recha—(gets decked by Anderson) NEVER MIND. WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
Queen: Integra, Alucard. Alucard: Yes, sugar-lips? Queen: (sweet, motherly voice) When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it. So I can fall asleep to it every night. (Beat) Alucard: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'VE MISSED YOU! Maxwell: HEY! Alucard: Oh, shut up.
Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II...when he was a girl for some reason.
Made even funnier by the fact that this was not just a joke. Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, Hellsing: The Dawn, which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an incrediblyeffeminate appearance◊ during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is shorter than he is.
Rip Van Winkle. 'Nuff said.
Rip talking with Commander Violet.
Rip Van Winkle: Zis is my favorite kind of ship—laden with blood und se(a)men. Commander Violet: Uh...what— Rip Van Winkle:(quickly) Zis is ze game! Commander Violet: ...what game? Rip Van Winkle: You lose! lol I'm so random! Commander Violet:(moving along) So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle. Rip Van Winkle: Oh, danke schön, Captain. Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them in to ghouls, betraying your family und country? All for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire? Commander Violet: ...Wow. Uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt.
Rip starts to sing 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Really.
Nazi 1: The hell is she singing now?
Nazi 2: I have no idea. I think it was popular a couple years back.
Alucard: The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's NO ONE ALIVE who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! *clocks her one*
When Integra wonders out loud why would Alucard know so much about the SR-71 Blackbird:
Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
Schroedinger at the meeting.
First, Alucard's reaction to him.
Alucard: Ah. The return of the "why" boner. With a vengeance.
Everyone is wondering how he got in.
Integra: How did he get in here? Walter: We had over a dozen guards. Alucard: Those were ours? I mean, Oh my God! How did he get through the guards?!
Then his attempts at getting the T.V. to work.
Major: Schroedinger? Schroedinger: It's not working, Major! Major: Did you click T.V., then Power? Schroedinger: Oh, wait, I'm on Video 2. Major:Nein, Video 1!
Later, when the Major and Herr Doktor are discussing meeting:
Herr Doktor: Well, Major, I think that went well. Major: You think it went well? Herr Doktor, I was there. And much like our former boss— (Camera shifts to a bound and gagged Nazi officer being killed by Vampires) Major: I killed it!
Anderson and Maxwell discuss their alliance with Hellsing is simultaneously funny and badass for how insanely bloodthirsty Anderson is.
Maxwell: Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door. Anderson: Then knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves. Maxwelll: ...I do not know the metaphor which you draw, but regardless we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God! Anderson: Oh I see. So this...is a CRUSADE! Maxwelll: No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it...ah...damn, what do the American cows say? Anderson: Peacekeeping? Maxwell: Right! Now, shall we keep the peace? Millenium Mooks: For Millenium! (Anderson kills them all) Anderson: Only until it's time to slide in the knife!