- Eren introducing himself and Mikasa:
Eren: I met her a long time ago on a summer trip.
[Scenes of Eren killing two of the human traffickers who kidnapped Mikasa with nothing but screaming]
Eren: And it got really crazy when the third guy showed up.
[The third smuggler tries to kill Eren before being killed by Mikasa, also to the sounds of everyone screaming]
- Meeting Grisha, who is Eren's supportive father:
Eren: Dad! When I grow up, I want to invent ice cream!
Grisha: That's okay, son, when I was your age I had stupid dreams too.
Mikasa: Like being a supportive father who is around for his children?
Grisha: Funny you say that, cause I'm leaving today!
Eren:But what about that thing in the basement?
Grisha:*creepily* I'll show you when I get back.
Grisha:*back to normal* Yeaaaahhhhmmmmhmmm.
- Armin getting beaten up by the bullies:
Armin: Oh yeah, see you guys are gonna beat me up! This is why I called you guys assholes in the first place! You know, it's good!
Armin: I come from a military family!
- While Armin is getting his ass kicked, we get this:
- After Eren wishes for some kind of adventure, a Colossal Titan appears over the walls:
Eren: *whispering to himself* Why did I wish for this adventure??
- The Colossal Titan rears its head over Wall Maria:
Bystander 1: Holy shit! Is that a Titan?!
Bystander 2: You know, I heard they'd be naked, but that's a lot more naked than I expected!
- Eren tempting fate after the Colossal Titan has destroyed a bit of the wall:
Eren: It's okay! Maybe the titans can't get in![A titan walks through the wall]Mikasa: They're in.Armin: Damn it Eren, you keep jinxing shit and your house is right there![Eren and Mikasa take off for their house]
- Armin commenting on the destruction happening around him:
Armin: Y'know, I woke up today and I realized I hate everyone and this happens. Oh, today's a win!
- This bit as Eren and Mikasa try to rescue their mother from the house that has fallen on her.
Eren: Mom are you okay?!Carla: Mm-mmm!Eren: Is it because the house is on you?Carla: Mm-hmm!Eren: Do you want me and Mikasa to save you?Carla: Mm-hmm!Eren: Mikasa, use your super strength or something!Mikasa: There's a titan coming.Carla: *grumbles*
- Hannes' appearance:
Hannes: Don't worry, kids! It's time... for Hannes!!Voices: *the picture freezes, and Hannes' name appears* Hannes!
Eren: No, I can't see this! Turn me around! Turn me around!Hannes: We can't turn around, kid! She's gone!*Eren screams as his mother is eaten by the Smiling Titan, all while Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence" plays.*
- Not long after Hannes' entrance, he appears to save Eren, Mikasa and their mom, and is about to take on a titan, but freezes dead in front of the Smiling Titan and pisses himself. He flees, taking Eren and Mikasa with him, leaving Eren's mother to be eaten by the Smiling Titan.
- Brock Lesnar's entrance theme plays while the Armored Titan goes on a rampage.
- After the Armored Titan finishes its rampage, a passenger on a departing boat yells out "HEY, FUCK THAT GUY!!"
- Doug Walker cheerfully narrates to "Celebration"
Narrator: (laughing) And so, hundreds of thousands of people DIED and the outer wall was taken over by Titans. And the survivors were forced into refugee camps where they didn't have enough food, so even more people died, YEAAAAA! But, how are Eren and the gang getting by?
- This exchange between Eren and a random Garrison member:
Garrison: You want more food, kid?Eren: Yeah!Garrison: Then you should fuckin' join the military! You can get all the food you want!Eren: Really?Garrison: Yeah! And you can also do stuff like this! punches and kicks Eren to the groundEren: After getting punched and kicked to the ground That sounds awesome!
Eren: We'll join the military! We'll get all the food, authority, and VENGEANCE that we've ever wanted! I know we've been going through some rough times lately. I mean, my mom died, and the rest of Armin's family died.Armin: Yeah, I know, right? I'm glad everything worked out for us!Eren: Armin! Not all of us can be like you and love the fact that our parents are dead! Except for Mikasa, cause hers were murdered right in front of her. I guess now I can understand why she's so messed up in the hea- *gets punched by Mikasa*Mikasa: The military sounds great.
- Shardis in general is absolutely hilarious:
Shardis: Alright, you POOP NOBBLERS! Now I don't want no screwing around with you batch of MEAT TOSSERS! Last group thought it would be funny to shove a CORN COB up a trainee's BUNGHOLE! And you know what happened? They were asked to leave politely, and it was AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE! Alright, Aryan coconut, what's your name?
Armin: Ar- Ar- Ar-
Shardis: WELL SWEET MOTHER TERESA ON THE HOOD OF A MERCEDEZ BENZ, YOU SOUND LIKE A MAJESTIC FUCKING EAGLE!! DO YOU SING?!
Shardis: HARMONIZE WITH ME MAGGOT!
Armin: I don't know if I can-
Shardis: *sings a very high note*
Armin: *struggles to harmonize with the note, then gets his head turned around by Shardis*Shardis: What about you, muffin top? What's your story?
Jean: Oh, well, my name is Jean Kirstein from Trost, and after I ace this academy, I'll be joining the Military Police.
Shardis: Wow. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Jean: Oh, well thank you so m- *gets headbutted by Shardis*
Shardis: Now listen up, you double deckered PIG FART! You don't get to join the Military Police, TIL AFTER, YOU PULL YOUR HEAD, OUT OF YOUR HAMSTER HOLE!Shardis: What about you, freckles? Where do you see yourself in three years?
Marco: I plan to give my body in service to the king, sir!
Shardis: Oh. OH, YOU THINK THIS IS HAREM OF THE DEAD, YOU SHRIMP-DICKED FUCK NUGGET?! Boy, if you can't pull a protractor out of your wiener slot, AND TURN, then you shouldn't even bother trying to be with the king!Shardis: *holding Connie up by the face* WELL SWEET JOLLY FUCKING RANCHERS, I BET YOUR MOM WISHES SHE HAD SWALLOWED YOU!Shardis: So, what's going on in this neck of the woods? You got something to eat there?
Sasha: Yeah I'm just eating a potato.
Shardis: Oh. Potatoes, huh? You, uh. You like some potates?
Shardis: Alright. Well, uh, from now on, you'll be known as Potato Girl.
Sasha: I don't like that name.
Shardis: You know, those are actually quite high in calories. You, uh. You know what's a real good way for burning off calories?
Sasha: What? *cut to her running and crying*Shardis: (After Eren failed at using the 3D gear) What's the matter, Jaeger? Is it too difficult for you? Well if you want to quit that's fine. We've got plenty of job openings at the custodial department so you can clean up your SHIT PERFORMANCE!!!! Why can't you be more like that majestic stallion, Jean, over there?!
Jean: *laughs smugly*
Connie: OHMYGAWD JEAN YOU'RE SO FUCKING COOL HOLY SHIIET!Shardis: (After Eren has mastered the 3D gear) Well sweet Pacific Rim-job, look at you, Jaeger! You're all loose and tight at the same time! JEAN! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE JAEGER-BOMBASTIC OVER HERE?!
Jean: *starts crying*
Connie: OHMYGAWD JEAN YOU SUCK!!Eren: (Arguing with Jean) If I grew up to be a pompous ass like you, I'D WISH MY MOM WAS DEAD SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE ME!!!
Shardis: *unnaturally quiet* Excellent comeback there, Jaeger-bombastic. How will you follow suit, Jeany-boy?
Jean: Oh, uh. I think I was going to loop back to something about, bread?
Shardis: *still quiet* Well, that may just work actually. But you know what might work better? GOING THE FUCK TO SLEEP! *slams door shut*
Jean: Even if I'm not #1, I'll still be better than you.
- Connie being re-imagined as a loudmouth who swears all the time.
Connie: OHMYGAWD EREN YOU'RE SO FUCKING COOL HOLY SHIIIIET!!!
- Thomas is voiced by LittleKuriboh and has No Indoor Voice:
Thomas: OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ARE GRADUATING TOMORROW. THIS IS CRAZY. IT SEEMS LIKE WE STARTED YESTERDAY!
- This little bit right here:
Thomas: WOW EREN, THAT IS AMAZING, TELL US MORE ABOUT THAT GIANT TITAN YOU COULD TOTALLY BEAT UP!Eren: I'm not saying that I could take him with one arm... but I could totally take him with one arm.(Crowd gasps)Connie: OHMYGAWD EREN YOU'RE SO FUCKING COOL HOLY SHIIET!!!Eren: Thanks for the awkward praise, Connie.(Connie coughs)
- When Jean met Mikasa:
Jean: I have never seen a creature quite so love—
Mikasa: I'm not into guys with vaginas.
Jean: *shocked* Oh!
- Eren seeking Reiner and Bertoldt's advice on the 3D gear:
Eren: Guys, you gotta help me with the 3D gear!Reiner: Dude, it's not our fault you suck.
Reiner: You know who gives the best advice on gears? Bertoldt right here.
Bertoldt: Oh, well, I'll just Bertell you what I Bertoldt him: you just gotta go out there and do it. Just loosen up and be tight at the same time.
Eren: That's it?
Armin: Ah, you know what? He makes a good [stutters] You know, it's gotta be the same with your power!
Reiner: Heh ha ha, this guy's great.
- When Eren and Reiner are sparring, we get this:
Reiner: *After being knocked down* Ah ha ha, nice! Now it's your turn to be the starving orphan with the knife!
Jean: I'm not gonna fight you! You're dirty! *gets punched* Ow!
- This little background event after Eren and Reiner spar.
- When Annie first appears:
Eren: Well, if it isn't Bitchface McGee.Reiner: Dude...Eren: What?Reiner: She is totally a bitch!
- When Eren and Reiner confront Annie:
Reiner: So, by being an unlikeable bitch, do you think people are gonna like you ironically?
[Beat, then the scene switches to Annie bringing down Eren]
Eren: [In pain] Why me?
Reiner: Dude, look at how big I am. I'm a beast!
[Scene switches to Reiner lying on the ground]
Reiner: Oh, you bitch!
Eren: [Internal Monologue] I don't have a witty retort for that. That's just funny [Speaking] Hey, who taught you how to fight?
Annie: My dad. Who taught you how to fight?
[Flashback to the infamous injection scene while "Cats in the Cradle" from Ugly Kid Joe plays in the background]
Grisha: Now son, stop being a faggot and take your medicine!
Eren: NO DADDY, YAMETE!!!
- Eren tells Jean that he doesn't know what he's been through after the latter makes light of a titan eating Eren's mother. We then cut to Eren crying while eating something censored.
Eren: That bread tasted awful!
- The graduation officer voiced by Lewis Lovhaug.
Since you have all successfully graduated, you may now choose between three different paths: the Garrison where you guard the walls and occasionally, when no one is looking, spit and piss off the edge! And for the incredibly stupid- brave, the Recon Corps, where you can go out and fight Titans in their own territory! And finally the Military Police, where you serve the king and push around civilians!
- Jean's thoughts during the graduation ceremony:
Jean: (internally) I can't believe Jaeger got 5 and I got 6! *grumbles*
- When the newly graduated soldiers are tasked to cleaning the Wall:
Eren: I can't believe we have to clean the Wall.
Connie: I'M SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIIIIET!
Eren: You said it, Connie!
Thomas: COME ON GUYS, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!
Eren: What bright side?!
Thomas: I DON'T KNOW. BUT WHEN WE FIND IT, WE SHOULD LOOK ON IT!
Eren: I fucking hate you, Thomas.
Connie: THOMAS YOU SUCK!
Sasha: Hey guys, I don't want you to panic, but I stole some meat from Shardis.
- Soon followed by this gem:
Marco: Oh, my God, why would you do that?!
Sasha: Don't worry. It was a gift from his family. It'll totes be worth it.
[Sasha laughs awkwardly as a vibrating sound is heard]
Connie: I HAVE THE MOST AWKWARD BONER!
- Eren's reflecting on everything they've accomplished.
Eren: We all survived the fall of Wall Maria. And we survived our training. We went through all these hardships together as friends. And now, we're moving forward. Starting today, we take the fight to the Titans!
[Lighting strikes, and the Colossal Titan appears right behind Eren]
- While Eren is taking on the Colossal Titan, we get this:
Eren: You'll never get me like that! All you hit were our defensive- *notices that the Colossal Titan destroyed the cannons* cannons. Shit...
- After the Colossal Titan disappears just as Eren is taking it on, we get this from Thomas:
Thomas: EREN! DID YOU KILL THE COLOSSAL TITAN?Thomas: ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?Eren: OF COURSE I'M BEING SARCASTIC!!
- Verman's speech:
Verman: ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, LISTEN UP! IT IS CONFIRMED, THAT YES, TITANS ARE IN THE CITY, AND YES, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FIGHT THEM! EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE ALL FRESH OUT OF TRAINING! THIS MAY SEEM STRANGE TO YOU, HOWEVER, WE BELIEVE, THAT YOUTH WILL OUTWEIGH EXPERIENCE IN THIS SITUATION! WHICH IS WHY I WILL BE COMMANDING FROM THIS WELL FORTIFIED CASTLE!! *Beat* You deploy in 15 minutes. *trainees break out in panic*
- Armin's in charge of the gas tanks.
Armin: You know what, Eren?! Yes, It's not likely I was out today and I went upstairs, right?! 'Cause I'm in charge of the gas tanks- TINK TINK! And I go upstairs, and I ask where the gas is, you know because we're about to go on the offensive! And then he says "We don't have any gas! We only have enough for regular patrols!" I don't think they're fully prepared, for this offensive!Eren: You make good points, Armin! Maybe it'll help us when we're going headfirst into danger!*Armin grumbles*
- After Eren tells off Jean, the latter leaves bawling his eyes out.
Mikasa: I want to have sex with you really bad right now.Eren: God, don't make it gay, Mikasa!
- Not long after, we get this exchange between Eren and Mikasa:
- Eren and his group mobilize to go take care of the titans, all while "Stand Out" plays, only to have the song stop after Eren loses a leg from a titan's surprise attack.
- Somehow, this series managed to make even Thomas's demise hilarious.
Thomas: I THINK ONE GOT ME! *gulp* (from inside the Titan's stomach) YEP, IT DEFINITELY GOT ME!
- And shortly afterwards:
- After Eren has his Heroic Second Wind and rescues Armin from being swallowed by a titan, we get a long, drawn-out sequence of him instructing Armin to pull him out of the Titan's mouth on the count of three. As soon as he says "one", the titan bites down, with Eren losing his arm in the process. Cue the credits, with whimsical and happy music.
- Even better is that the music is the theme from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and in that show's style they have a title card saying "Eren Gets Eaten".
- Even though the show got Screwed by the Lawyers, it does add another facet to this scene, since that means it really does end with Eren getting eaten.
- The ending, where Eren and Armin... er, "communicate" back-and-forth about a plan for Armin to pull Eren out of a Titan's mouth, on the count of three. It has to be heard.
Eren: One- *the Titan's mouth closes, and Eren's arm goes flying*
- TITANS ARE MY TRIGGER!
Funny / Attack on Titan Abridged
The funny moments of Attack on Titan Abridged by Team Four Star. As in everything.