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Funny / The Heroes of Olympus

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    The Lost Hero 
  • Leo hacking Coach Hedge's megaphone to make him sound like Darth Vader and say "The cow says moo!" at random moments.
    Piper: (stifling a laugh) My god, Leo. How did you do that?
  • Piper is annoyed at the girls on the bus talking down to her. Leo says that if they knew that she was the daughter of a famous actor, they'd be grovelling at her feet yelling, "We are not worthy!"
  • One of the Hephaestus cabin members tried to create a mosquito killing centaur robot, but it goes haywire because of the curse, shooting arrows everywhere whilst screaming, "Die, mosquito! Die, mosquito!" Apparently, this has happened before, because everybody hits the floor except Leo and it keeps shooting until somebody smashes it with a hammer.
  • A minor one, but Clovis, the one-and-a-half scene wonder, during the campfire scene when he thinks they're taking roll call.
  • Annabeth's reaction to Chiron warning them about how dangerous the winter solstice can be:
    Annabeth: (glaring at Chiron) Okay, thank you, Captain Sunshine.
  • Jason on how his dad being Zeus makes people be in awe of him:
    Nobody cared about him, just his big scary daddy standing behind him with the doomsday bolt, as it to say, Respect this kid or eat voltage!
  • Piper's reaction to getting a complete makeover after being claimed by Aphrodite? She's absolutely devastated, spending the night trying to mess up her hair, attempting to find plain clothes and crying in order to make her eyes bloodshot.
    • When she wakes up the next morning she looks for a mirror and is annoyed that she was still beautiful.
    • Leo even lampshades during his POV chapter that it was a miracle that Piper was wearing makeup.
  • Happy the dragon.
  • Leo's reaction to Boreas' name:
    Leo: His name is Boreas? What is he, the God of Boring?
  • Calais being unable to say words with more than two syllables, including his own name.
    Cal: Pizza! Hockey! Destroy!
    • This leads on to Zethes introducing himself:
    Zethes: I am Zethes, which is short for Zethes.
  • Zethes referring to Piper, Jason and Leo as "faulty dragon people" because of Piper's cover story of needing to make an emergency landing due to Festus malfunctioning
  • After getting one look at Khione, Leo is smitten and the only thing he wants to ask her is her phone number and email address.
    • When they leave the palace, Leo is grumpy that his friends took away his prom date.
  • Jason calling the ice statue collection at Boreas' palace "subzero hero collection"
  • Leo calling ambrosia "Rambo food"
  • Leo meeting his dad for the first time:
    Leo: Holy Mother!
    Hephaestus: Holy father, boy. I should think you'd know the difference.
    • Hephaestus not catching onto Leo's sarcasm.
  • How does Piper know her friends are under a spell? They were interested in shopping.
  • Leo works on the locks to Coach Hedge's cage and Jason decides to sit far away in case the satyr rewoke and went into Goat ninja mode.
  • As they meet Midas and Lit, Hedge asks if he could bash their heads in. Piper tells him not to.
  • While most adults would be alarmed that one of their students/campers attempted to eat a stapler as a toddler, Coach Hedge the satyr approves:
    Coach Hedge: (nodding in approval) Staplers - excellent source of iron.
  • Coach Hedge attempting to boost morale among the questers and the Hunters:
    Coach Hedge: Come on, Valdez! Pick up the pace! Let's chant. I've got a girl in Kalamazoo -
    Thalia: Let's not.
  • Jason wondering how to deal with Leo's fire abilities:
    Jason imagined trying to get food at a restaurant. ''I'll have a cheeseburger and - Ahhh! My friend's on fire! Get me a bucket!
  • The Olympian Weather Channel lobby having banners reading "OW!"
  • One of the Olympian Weather Channel employees being called Nuggets
  • Aeolus believing that any book with the word "air" or "wind" in the title is about him
  • Leo, Jason and Piper are at Aeolus, trying to convince him to help free Hera. He's checking the situation with Zeus (via a device like a wireless earphone). The answer is something like, "yeah sure go ahead but uhm... I have a party scheduled next week so can you tell them to rescue her after that?" Cue a yell from Aeolus, because Aphrodite is yelling Zeus' head off on the other side saying the solstice is in a couple of days, and ''Hephaestus actually agrees with her''.
  • Coach Hedge and Mellie flirting with each other, especially when the group is falling from the sky to their doom. Piper lampshades this.
  • Aphrodite's opinion of the painting The Birth of Venus:
    Aphrodite: That painter Botticelli had quite an imagination. I never stood on a seashell, thank you very much.
  • Jason wondering what sort of excuse note Zeus would write for him to give to the Underworld judges:
    "Please excuse Jason from eternal damnation. He has had amnesia."
  • Khione offering Leo to turn his back on his friends and be her champion. Leo refuses the offer and yells, "I can't believe I thought you were hot!"
  • Jason waking up after seeing Hera's true form:
    Thalia: How do you feel?
    Jason: Hot. Mouth is dry. And I saw something ... really terrible.
    Thalia: That was Hera. Her Majesty, the Loose Cannon.
    Hera: That's it, Thalia Grace. I will turn you into an aardvark, so help me -
    Piper: Stop it, you two.
  • Piper finding Chiron's Greatest Hits of the 40s cassette:
    Chiron was so old Piper wondered if that meant 1940s, 1840s or maybe just A.D. 40.
  • Mellie (a wind spirit) describing her new job:
    Mellie: I love this job. It's - um - a breeze.
  • Chiron dealing with counsellor mischief:
    Chiron: Lou Ellen, please give Miranda her nose back. Travis, if you'd kindly extinguish the flaming ping-pong ball and, Butch, I think twenty pencils is really too much for any human nostril. Thank you.

    The Son of Neptune 
  • Frank and Hazel both know French and try to talk to each other in that language. They unfortunately find out that a) neither of them was too good in school, apparently, and b) Canadian French and Hazel's New Orleans French have two entirely different meanings.
    When Frank asked Hazel how her beef was feeling today, and she replied that his shoe was green, they decided to give up.
  • "Percy hated tests. Since he lost his memory, his entire life felt like one big fill-in-the-blank. He was _____ from _____, he felt like _____, and if the monsters caught him, he'd be _____."
  • A conversation between June and Percy:
    June: All roads lead there, child. You should know that.
    Percy: Detention?
  • Percy thinking that the Feast of Fortuna is related to tuna. Chapter LI starts with "The Feast of Fortuna had nothing to do with tuna, which was fine with Percy."
  • Vitellius being called Vitellius the Ridiculous by the other cohorts
  • Hazel and Frank explain the war games to Percy:
    Hazel: "No one dies. Well, not usually And if they do-"
    Frank: (imitating Vitellius) "They're wimps! Back in my day, we died all the time, and we liked it!"
  • "Octavian screamed in a shrill voice — maybe ordering the First Cohort to stand their ground, maybe trying to sing soprano..."
  • After the war game, there were "a lot of interesting hairdos from fires and exploding water cannons".
  • Mars asking the Roman legionnaires for a pen. Nobody has one.
    "Two hundred Romans, and no one's got a pen?"
    • This one gets funnier in hindsight when you find out that Percy's sword, Riptide, actually can do pen form (when the cap is placed on the opposite end) in House of Hades.
  • Mars' prophecy:
    Octavian: This says "Go to Alaska. Find Thanatos and free him. Come back by sundown on June twenty-fourth or die."
    Mars: Yes. Is that not clear?
    Octavian: Well, my lord... usually prophecies are unclear. They're wrapped in riddles. They rhyme, and...
    Mars (casually pulling out a grenade): Yes?
    Octavian: The prophecy is clear! A quest!
    Mars: Good answer.
  • And this one, between Frank and Percy:
    Frank: Can your sword do grenade form?
    Percy: No. Shut up.
  • When Octavian gives Frank the laurel wreath badge and promotes him to the rank of centurion:
    Senator 1: He's still a probie!
    Senator 2: Impossible!
  • Percy trying to recall why he and Annabeth had destroyed a spa:
    For some reason, Annabeth and he had visited a spa and decided to destroy it. He couldn't imagine why. Maybe they hadn't liked the deep-tissue massage? Maybe they'd had bad manicures?
  • This exchange:
    Terminus: You seem to be clean. Do you have anything to declare?
    Percy: Yes. I declare this is stupid.
    • Pretty much anything Terminus says. He's very sensitive about his lack of arms, as well as being Super OCD.
      Terminus: Ha ha! You see that? I am strangling you with my mighty arms!
      *Polybotes looks at him like he's crazy, and then proceeds to smash the bust Terminus is inhabiting.*
      Terminus' head: OH YOU DID NOT! I AM VERY ANGRY NOW!
  • In Titan's Curse, Percy & Co. track down Nereus, the old man of the sea, so they can shake him up for some answers. When they pass by him in Son of Neptune, Nereus points one bony finger at Percy and mouths, "Don't even think about it."
  • The grain spirits battling the heroes and getting turned into cereal when attacked:
    Grain spirit: Wheat! I'll give you wheat!
    Arion stomped him into a pile of breakfast cereal.
  • Anything to do with schist. For instance, Percy's reaction to accidentally finding Polybotes leading the invasion army south toward New Rome.
    Percy: "Schist!"
  • Polybotes threatening Iris:
    Polybotes: I am Polybotes! Kneel before me so I may destroy you quickly.
    Apparently, no one in the store was impressed. A [chocolate muffin] came sailing out of the window and landed at the giant's feet.
  • Iris calls the people who work in her store ROFLcopters.
  • Frank preparing to battle the basilisks:
    Frank: I've got ... um ... amazing powers - and stuff.
    The basilisks circled him, taking their time. Maybe they were hesitating because of the spear. Maybe they just couldn't believe how stupid Frank was.
    Frank let the spear tip drop (...) When he lifted it out, the tip was gone - broken off in the dirt. Wonderful. Now he had a golden stick.
  • "O Fleecy, do me a solid. Show Reyna at Camp Jupiter."
  • Percy's masculine accessory bag
  • Also Iris' macrobiotic jerky:
  • Percy mishearing "sturgeons" as "surgeons":
    Percy thought Frank had said surgeons. He had this weird image of giant doctors in scrubs and face masks, pulling their boat upstream.
  • Percy on them carrying Thai noodles with mac and cheese sauce down the street:
    Maybe [the mortals] just thought the Thai mac and cheese was so good it needed an armed escort.
  • Finding out that is run by actual Amazons.
  • Frank wondering what exactly the Amazon revolution will be:
    Kinzie: The mortals don't realize they are funding the Amazon kingdom. Soon, we'll be richer than any mortal nation. Then - when the weak mortals depend on us for everything - the revolution will begin!
    Frank: What are you going to do? Cancel free shipping?
  • Percy and Hazel's individual reactions to finding out that Arion the horse is a son of Neptune were pretty priceless.
  • Any time Arion is translated:
    • When Frank asks Percy if Arion is "tame".
      Percy: I don't think so. He just said "I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man".
      Hazel: You speak horse?!
      Frank: "Baby man"?
    • "He [Arion] snorted with satisfaction as if to say, That's how we run, fools!"
  • Ella being extremely dizzy after falling off the Amazon chariot:
    Ella: Tree. Tree. Tree.
  • Percy's reaction to stopping by at Frank's grandmother's house:
    Percy: Seriously? To Grandmother's house we go?
  • A Brick Joke from The Sea of Monsters pays off here.
    At the beginning of "The Sea of Monsters"
    Percy: Laistry-I can't even say that. What would you call them in English?
    Annabeth: Canadians.
    Five books later...
    Frank: What are these guys?
    Percy: Canadians.
    Frank (a Chinese Canadian): Excuse me?
  • Ella's reaction to Grey taking out the Laistrygonians near Frank's grandmother's house:
    Ella: Spears are good for subtraction.
  • One of the Laistrygonians waiting outside Frank's grandmother's house wearing a Kiss the Cook apron
  • Frank and his grandmother snarking at each other.
    Frank: Weapons. Right. I've never handled weapons before.
    Grandmother: Was that sarcasm, Fai Zhang?
    Frank: Yes, Grandmother.
    Grandmother: Good. There may be hope for you yet.
    Grandmother: They want to cook you and eat you, which is ridiculous. You'd taste terrible.
  • "Please don't let there be an app for reaping souls."
  • Frank bashing Alcyoneus repeatedly on the nose with his shield to keep him unconscious while they drag him out of Alaska.
  • "Welcome to Canada, idiot."
  • Hazel's reaction to Percy waiting for them on the glacier:
    Hazel: So the prophecy was incomplete! It probably said something like: The son of Neptune will drown a whole bunch of ghosts.
  • Percy arriving back at camp with stiff joints:
    His joints were so stiff he could barely walk. If he went into battle like this, the enemy would call him Old Man Jackson.
  • Percy is mad because Poseidon gave the Zhangs the power to change shape while he can't, rendering Frank nearly speechless given the terrifyingly awesome powers Percy has revealed: giant fists of Tiber water, exploding water cannon, mini-hurricanes...
    Percy: Okay, fair. But next time I say you're totally beast...
  • As in the first series, half the things Tyson is involved in.
    • Tyson charging at the enemies:
      Tyson: Bad pony-men! BOO!
      Tyson: General Tyson says GO AWAY!
    • One gem in particular, involving Ella:
      Ella: The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive.
      Ella: Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.
  • The Fifth Cohort putting on the gear retrieved from Alaska:
    (They) looked like that'd been shopping at a King Midas clearance sale.
  • The entire franchise in a nutshell:
    'I'm fine!' Percy yelled as he ran by, followed by a giant screaming bloody murder.
  • "The coffee shops were doing a brisk business, and street musicians filled the air with the sounds of guitar, lyre, panpipes, and armpit noises. (Percy didn't get the last one. Maybe it was an old Roman musical tradition.)"
  • Iris raining down gluten-free cupcake simulations. Percy figures they would be more useful as bricks than food.
  • The video-scroll message almost at the ending:
    Leo: What's my title? Am I like admiral, or captain, or -
    Piper: Repair boy.
    Leo: Very funny, Piper. So yeah, I'm ... ah .. supreme commander of the Argo II.

     The Mark of Athena 
  • In this universe, the Athena versus Arachne weaving competition was Mount Olympus' first reality TV punishment programme So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?
  • Leo rigging the Argo II to fire weapons by sampling an album
  • Leo wanting to paint WASSUP? and a smiley face on the bottom of the Argo II hull, and Annabeth vetoing the idea because she wasn't sure if the Romans have a sense of humour
  • The insulting nicknames for Hera/Juno continue in this book, the latest being Annabeth's "Her Most Annoying Majesty, Queen of Olympus".
  • Annabeth judo-flipping Percy when they reunite, after the Reunion Kiss of course.
    • Best part is Percy's reaction: he just laughs, saying "Consider me warned. I missed you, too," while still on the ground, her foot on his chest and having his arm pulled. He knew all this was coming, you just know it.
    • The Romans are naturally alarmed at having an outsider judo-flip their praetor. Jason has to introduce her as not a person who normally judo-flips people, and Reyna asks if Annabeth is, in fact, a Roman or Amazon.
  • Percy verbally roasting Octavian in front of the Senate. Two highlights? "On the bright side, both Jason and I outrank you, Octavian. So we can both tell you to shut up." (followed by a brofist with Jason which Reyna considers Actually Pretty Funny), and this:
    Octavian: "I wasn't..."
    Percy: "On the quest, yes I know. But I was."
  • The Brick Joke from The Titan's Curse returns: "We've got a dam hole" which puzzles Piper who just joined Camp Half-Blood the previous December.
  • Leo being horrified that Ella is comparing his Argo II to the Titanic
  • The Garden of Bacchus having a statue of Bacchus/Dionysus "in sort of ballet position, wearing nothing but a loincloth, his cheeks puffed out and lips pursed, spouting water into a fountain"
  • During the chaos of some very angry Romans due to a possessed Leo calmly firing at New Rome from the Argo II many fauns took advantage of this and ran off with whatever food they could carry.
    One trotted by Annabeth with his arms full of tacos and an entire pineapple between his teeth.
  • Leo and Hazel's first encounter with Echo:
    Leo: Blue Elephants.
    Echo: Blue Elephants.
    Leo: Kiss me, you fool.
    Echo: You fool.
    Leo: Hey!
    Echo: Hey!
    It wasn't every day [Leo] met somebody with a built-in talkback feature.
  • Narcissus' fangirls having their fangirling moments
    They found the problem - if you can call a mob of good-looking girls a problem.
    Leo had never seen nymphs with phones. He wondered if they were looking at a dead body.
  • Narcissus has a YouTube livestream of himself looking at his own reflection in the pond.
  • Team Leo. Enough said.
    • Not enough said. "Hot Stuff" anybody?
      • STILL not enough said. The ENTIRE sequence where Leo tries to get all the nymphs away from Narcissus's pool so that they can get the sheet of Celestial bronze is frickin' hilarious.
      • There's also the fact that after Narcissus wins his fangirls back, one of them is still on Team Leo.
    • Later, Leo's T-shirt gets damaged and the TEAM LEO on his chest becomes AM LEO.
  • Percy versus Jason:
    • Percy and Jason go to the meeting room with the others together for the first time. They both instinctively reach for the chair of honor at the end of the table at the same time. Jason emits a few sparks in surprise and slight annoyance as they exchange looks... then they sit down in the chairs to the left and right side of it, leaving the seat of honor for Annabeth.
    • Another show of friendly rivalry, after what happens in Kansas, Jason tries to apologize for almost killing Percy... only for Percy to counter that he could just as easily have killed Jason, which leads to this exchange:
    Jason: If there'd been an ocean in Kansas, maybe.
    Percy: I don't need an ocean -
    Annabeth: Boys, I'm sure you both would've been wonderful at killing each other. But right now you need some rest.
    • Doubly hilarious and awesome/sad after realizing two things. 1: The bickering gives us insight into what is going on between Zeus and Poseidon according to Chiron ("You were always Mom Rhea's favourite!" "Celestial miracles are way cooler than maritime ones!"). 2: Despite the bickering, Percy and Jason get along. Makes you wonder what Zeus and Poseidon could achieve if they would just work together...
  • Percy and Annabeth wake up next to each other. Frank is completely red and Coach Hedge grounds Annabeth!
    Coach Hedge: Never in my life! Against the rules! Irresponsible!
    Annabeth: Coach, it was an accident. We were talking and we fell asleep.
    Percy: Besides, you're starting to sound like Terminus.
    Coach Hedge: Is that an insult, Jackson? 'Cause I'll - I'll terminus you, buddy!
    • The grounding wasn't even the best part. It's implied, though not outright stated for obvious demographic reasons, that the reason everyone is so upset by Percy and Annabeth falling asleep in the same room is because they immediately jump to... extreme conclusions. And everyone's reactions based on this assumption is hilarious. Frank gets flustered and blushes a lot. Piper and Jason are more relieved to find them safe than surprised to find them safe together. Hazel, being from the 1940s, is absolutely scandalized. Leo just chuckles and keeps muttering "Classic, classic..." And then there's Percy, who seems completely nonplussed by the idea of diffusing the situation.
      Annabeth: We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.
      Percy: Kissed a couple of times.
      Annabeth: Not helping!
  • Coach Hedge's reaction to landing on the hill in Atlanta:
    Coach Hedge: But do you realize what happened on this hill? Frank Zhang, you should know!
    Frank: I should?
    Coach Hedge: A son of Ares stood here!
    Frank: I'm Roman ... so Mars, actually.
    Coach Hedge: Whatever! Famous spot in the American Civil War!
    Frank: I'm Canadian, actually.
    Coach Hedge: Whatever! General Sherman, Union leader. He stood on this hill watching the city of Atlanta burn. Cut a path of destruction all the way from here to the sea. Burning, looting, pillaging - now there was a demigod!
    Frank: Uh, okay.
    Percy: Anyway, let's try not to burn down the city this time.
  • It's a plot device to conceal Keto's and Phorcys' identities, but it's hilarious how they blame their names being written as Kate and Porky on the uniform company getting their names wrong.
  • This gem:
    "Yes, the MAP IN CHARLESTON," Frank said loudly, giving Percy a wide-eyed look to make sure he hadn't missed the information. He couldn't have been more obvious if he had held up a large sign that read CLUE!!!!!
  • Three words. "Dude. A goldfish?"
    • "'Sup?"
  • After Coach Hedge, Percy and Frank return from Atlanta:
    Jason: What exactly did you find in Atlanta?
    Frank: Some peach preserves. A couple of T-shirts. A snow globe. And, um, these not-really-Chinese handcuffs.
    Annabeth: How about you start from the top - of the story, not the backpack.
  • "Coach Hedge had lost interest in the conversation - probably because it was no longer about him - and wandered towards the bow of the ship, practising his roundhouse kicks and complimenting himself on his technique."
  • Leo's reaction to having a bounty on his head:
    Leo: Do we get WANTED posters? And do they have our bounties, like, broken down on a price list?
    Hazel: What are you talking about?
    Leo: Just curious how much I'm going for these days. I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe ... but am I worth, like, two Franks or three Franks?
    Frank: Hey!
  • Frank shape-shifting into an iguana to get out of Chinese handcuffs. Leo's comment after he does so is even better.
    Leo: Well done, Frank Zhang. That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.
    • Even better? Leo was attempting to impersonate Chiron of all people.
  • Frank being surprised that Buford the table has a name:
    Frank: You name your furniture?
  • Annabeth's assessment of the split-personality gods situation:
    Wonderful, Annabeth thought. Her own mother, the most levelheaded Olympian, was reduced to a raving, vicious scatterbrain in a subway station. And, of all the gods who might help them, the only ones not affected by the Greek-Roman schism seemed to be Aphrodite, Nemesis and Dionysus. Love, revenge, wine. Very helpful.
  • In Charleston:
    All around the Romans, Charleston Harbor erupted like a Las Vegas fountain putting on a show. When the wall of seawater subsided, the three Romans were in the bay, spluttering and frantically trying to stay afloat in their armor. Percy stood on the dock, holding Annabeth’s dagger.
    Percy: You dropped this.
    Annabeth: I love you!
  • Shrimpzilla.
    • "Nasty creatures. Keto must really hate you guys."
  • "Hercules, huh? That guy was like, the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turned— there he is."
  • "Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!"
  • "Oh, no. I am turning into a crazy dolphin." Said in a complete monotone.
    • While it's funny out-of-context, it's even better in context. Percy manages to improvise a plan to scare Chrysaor and his dolphin-men soldiers off the Argo II. This plan involves convincing the dolphin-men that Dionysus is the captain of this boat, since he's the god that turned them into dolphin-men in the first place. Piper and Hazel fake having suddenly gone insane, and Percy hints to Frank that he should pretend to go crazy too, while transforming into a dolphin to really convince them. Unfortunately, Frank doesn't quite catch on to the plan immediately.
    Percy: Oh no, Frank's turning into a crazy dolphin!
    (Nothing happens.)
    Percy: I said, Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!
  • Leo's fortune from Nemesis:
  • Jason leaving Coach Hedge in charge of the Argo II:
    Jason: We need you to man the ship - or goat the ship. Whatever.
  • Piper trying to think of how to use her horn of plenty in battle:
    Maybe Piper could shoot their enemies with high-velocity smoked hams.
  • "Percy was tired of water. If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon's Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn't care."
  • Everything about Otis and Ephialtes: the accidentally coordinated outfits, the skintight baby blue leotard, the fact that their idea of Bread and Circuses is Wonder Bread and the total destruction of Rome...
    Meanwhile Jason charged at Otis, who pulled his spear and heaved a great sigh, as if he would rather much dance Swan Lake than kill another demigod.
    Otis barrelled towards them empty-handed, before apparently realizing that a) he was empty-handed, and b) charging towards a large body of water to figh ta son of Poseidon was maybe not a good idea.
  • When Nico finally comes to after being freed from the bronze jar, he starts groaning and crawling away. Percy considers throwing Wonder bread at him to make him shut up and crawl faster.
  • Just before Percy, Piper and Jason fight the twins, we get this little conversation:
    Percy: I'm getting tired of this guy's shirt.
    Piper: Combat time?
    Jason: I hate Wonder bread.
  • Bacchus showing up and criticising Otis and Ephialetes' props, special effects and style like he is a judge on a reality show
  • Percy and Jason shouting insults about ballet at Otis:
    Percy: Hey, Otis! The Nutcracker bites!

     The House of Hades 
  • A meta-example, but Riordan's dedication before the book even starts:
    To my wonderful readers: Sorry about that last cliff-hanger. Well, no, not really. HAHAHAHA. But seriously, I love you guys.
  • Leo yelling at the rock giants about breaking his mast and how they didn't grow on trees.
    Nico: Masts are from trees.
    Leo: Not the point!
  • Pluto/Hades is the World's Worst Absent Father to Hazel.
  • To keep Percy with her, Annabeth asks about his promise that they'd go to college together and asks what Percy would study. He answered "Surfing?"
  • Percy thinking that "Phlegethon" sounds like a marathon for hawking spitballs
  • Leo wakes up from a dream hugging the statue of Nike, Jason asks what he was doing and Leo mutters that they were cuddling.
  • After Leo and Frank talk about their relatives practising their respective cultures' customs to honour their ancestors:
    Leo had a terrifying image of his Aunt Rosa and some old Chinese woman in wrestlers' outfits, whaling on each other with spiked clubs.
    Leo: Yeah, I am sure they would've been best buds.
  • Leo's grenades can spray acid, fire, shrapnel, or freshly buttered popcorn.
    (Hey, you never know when you'd get hungry in battle.)
  • Leo thinking that Frank turned into a silverback gorilla to commune with the monkey dwarfs
  • Passalos steals the zipper off of Leo's pants, causing him to try and shake his fist at the dwarf while also hoisting up his pants.
  • Leo trying to get the building manager to let him in by pantomiming melting dwarves, but it turns out that Fonsi's are a decent currency in Italy.
  • Leo commenting on Jason's wasted awesome entrance after he takes out the Kerkopes and noted that he flew in like Peter Pan.
  • The reason why Nico knew about the katobleps? It was a rare card in his Mythomagic deck. Frank is quiet for a moment before confessing that he likes Mythomagic. Their conversation is ended by Triptolemus asking if they are done geeking out.
  • Nico gets turned into an ear of corn. Won't be the first time he got transformed into a plant.
    • When he's turned back to normal:
    Nico: I- I had the weirdest nightmare about popcorn. (looks at Frank) Why are you taller?
  • "Mars! I've proven myself! Now I need a snake!"
  • Triptolemus telling Frank that he had a bright future ahead if he decided to work in the fields.
  • The sadness surrounding Bob is mitigated slightly by the fact that his name is...well, Bob.
  • The revelation that Riptide, the sword that is normally disguised as a pen, can actually be used like a real pen.
  • Grover's reaction to hearing Reyna's full name:
    Grover: You mean your initials are RA-RA?
  • Jason nearly jumps out of his skin when Nico suddenly appears out of nowhere. He begins to consider putting a bell on the son of Hades.
  • Leo mimicked taking notes with an air pencil while Jason explained the origin of Split:
    Leo: Go on, Professor Grace! I wanna get an A on the test.
  • We've arrived. Time to Split.
  • If to fulfil the prophecy, Leo offers to set Coach Hedge on fire. Piper imagines the satyr attacking Gaea screaming, "Die, scumbag!" and almost laughs. Almost.
  • "Piper didn't plan to shoot blueberry muffins. The cornucopia must have sensed her distress and thought she and her visitors could use some warm baked goods." Cal and Zethes react by catching one muffin each to eat.
  • Khione freezes Jason, turning him into a huge ice statue. Piper manages to unfreeze him, only to have him land face first onto the floor and Khione refreezes him.
  • Piper snarking at Khione:
    Khione: Jason will grace my throne room.
    Piper: Clever. Take you all day to think up that line?
  • Cal and Zethes finding Hera's "D-list goddess" insult from ''The Lost Hero'' Actually Pretty Funny.
  • When Leo is in Ogygia, Calypso's island:
    • The first time Leo meets Calypso she seems highly offended as she looks at Leo murderously when he says that she's named after "Caribbean music".
    • The clothes Calypso made for Leo fitted so well, Leo thinks she just used her generic pattern for SCRAWNY MALE.
    • Calypso obviously didn't want to see him. One time he poked his head inside the cave and she freaked out, yelling and throwing pots at his head.
      Yeah, she was
      definitely on Team Leo.
    • Both Leo and Calypso trying, and failing, to convince themselves that they are not falling in love with each other.
    It occurred to him that there is nothing hotter than a girl who was willing to get her hands dirty. Though that was just a general observation and did not apply to Calypso. Obviously.
    [Calypso] was wearing red today - Leo's favorite color. That was irrelevant. She looked really good in red. Also irrelevant.
    • "You could sing, and I could, like, randomly burst into flames or something."
  • As Percy faces off against Akhys and has found out that he can't touch her due to the Death Mist, he hopes she can't touch him in turn. This leads to an unexpected (but hilarious) bit of 1337 lingo:
    He imagined the Fates up in Olympus, laughing at his wishful thinking: LOL, NOOB!
  • "[Annabeth] has been at Camp Half-Blood since she was seven. Probably she'd have classes Percy never got, like "How to Fight While Partially Made of Smoke."
  • Annabeth and Percy are up against Nyx, the primordial goddess of Night, who is forty-feet tall, made of darkness, and is in a flying chariot pulled by vampire shadow horses. What do they do? Pretend to be disgruntled tourists traveling Tartarus and distract her long enough to jump into her Mansion of Night. All in some of the funniest chapters in the book.
    Nyx: You — miserable — tourists! How dare you not whimper and beg for my autograph and a picture for your scrapbook!
  • Annabeth writing her own obituary:
    Annabeth Chase, died aged 17. Died of massive injuries while leaping like an idiot into the abyss of Chaos and splattering on the entry hall floor of Nyx's mansion. Survived by her father, stepmother, and two stepbrothers who barely knew her. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to Camp Half-Blood, assuming Gaea hasn't already destroyed it.
  • Jason wondering if malts were invented in Malta.
  • Coach Hedge retelling the story of how Piper reactivated Festus and defeated Khione and the Boreads, but in his version, Piper was a kung fu assassin defeating Khione with a roundhouse kick and there were a lot more Boreads.
  • Percy wanting to leave Tartarus as soon as possible before their disguise wears off and because "He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life looking like an extra from The Walking Dead.”
  • Small Bob's name changing to No-Longer-Small Bob in the narration when he grows into a full-size tiger.
  • Leo's reaction to one of Clytius' boasting speeches:

    The Blood of Olympus 
  • Hades got Nico a present once. It was a zombie.
    • An 18th-century French zombie chauffer named Jules-Albert, actually.
  • Annabeth, Piper, and Jason are infiltrating a meeting of giants and Gaia-raised ghosts. Things go great, until Jason gets impaled. In a panic, Piper and Annabeth hurriedly discuss how to signal Leo for help without getting blown up, and Morse code is suggested, with Annabeth deciding:
    "Flash them! That Came Out Wrong. But yeah, good idea."
  • The latest insulting nickname for Hera/Juno is "Your Bovine Majesty" courtesy of Annabeth.
  • Coach Hedge calling the House of the Faun the "House of the Satyr" since he was on guard duty
  • "[Reyna] should have a button made and wear it around to save time. When she died, the words would probably be written on her tombstone: There were too many of them."
  • Nico's reaction to the sceptre of Diocletian smoking, followed by Reyna's reaction to that:
    Nico: It's fighting me! I don't think it likes summoning Romans to fight other Romans!
    Reyna knew that Ancient Romans had spent at least half their time fighting each other, but she decided not to bring that up.
  • "Talk to the pants, Piper! 'Cause the hands are busy!"
  • "It felt a little weird, helping Hazel make a portrait of Calypso - as it he were talking to a police artist: Yes officer, that's the girl who stole my heart! Sounded like a freaking country song."
  • Buford with a holograph of Coach Hedge as the crew's adult chaperone
  • Percy drowning his blue pancakes with syrup and Annabeth chides him for it. He claims that if he's the son of Poseidon and he can't drown, then neither can his pancakes.
  • Leo telling Hazel that Fonzies have so many preservatives, they will make him live forever
  • Leo asking if Nike/Victoria was going to stir up a conflict between the two camps by starting a flame war on Twitter
  • Jason and Percy take "bromance" to ridiculous levels. They call each other "bro" so many times they could start a fraternity!
    Jason: And I might kill my bro, Percy.
  • Leo calling Frank, Hazel, Percy and himself "the ultimate non-competitive dream team" and Annabeth and Frank exchanging "war-godly looks" right after.
    • Percy being the worst runner of the bunch when Nike's underlings chase them, and nearly collapsing afterwards with almost no breath in his lungs. Think back to Lightning Thief where trees (tree nymphs to be more precise) outran Percy.
  • Percy joking that Octavian is so bad at telling the future, he broke Apollo's powers.
  • "Good thing the Argo II was moored a hundred feet in the air, because they never would've found parking."
  • Leo thinking of how to make small talk with a guy who'd recently come back from Tartarus:
    Catch that last episode of Doctor Who? Oh, right. You were trudging through the Pit of Eternal Damnation!
  • Leo joking that Pelopiion, a fascinating pile of stones, is a sacred spot for plopping
  • Hazel's reaction to the origin story of the Olympics:
    Hazel: How romantic. "Nice wife you have, Prince Pelops." "Thanks. I won her in a chariot race."
  • Any interaction between Percy and Leo:
    • While trying to find the goddess Nike/Victoria:
      "What if we promoted, like, Adidas shoes?" Percy wondered. "Would that make Nike mad enough to show up?"
      Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else-a stupid sense of humor. "Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. '''THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!"'''
    • And then it actually works! Naturally, the moment she shows up, she threatens to kill them.
      He just had to invoke Adidas, the goddess of off-brand shoes.
    • The conversation about zodiac signs:
      "Like your zodiac sign?" Percy said. "I’m a Leo."
      “No, stupid.” Leo said. “I’m a Leo. You’re a Percy."
  • "Lady, could you hold your flappers please? You're giving me a sunburn."
  • Victory taking a victory lap.
  • Apparently, stomachs growling a particular way translate to quite a statement in hedgehog.
  • Nico meeting with Hades at the church. He's so confused at this, unsure if he should hug his father, or kick him in the groin and run for it. He considered the second option.
  • Coach Hedge's megaphone is still malfunctioning.
  • Annabeth's response to Piper's unflinching decision to leap down a randomly-timed fire geyser tunnel, even if it was the only way down there.
    "Piper, that was without a doubt the dumbest thing I've seen anyone do, and I date a dumb risk-taker!"
  • Really, this book takes the opportunity to have characters who haven't interacted enough have moments together, Like Percy/Leo, Percy/Jason, Piper/Annabeth, Piper/Frank, and Reyna/Nico/Hedge. Though this gives us a lot of Heartwarming Moments, it also creates a lot of potential for snark.
    Jason: Atlantis?
    Percy: That's a myth.
    Jason: Uh...don't we deal in myths?
    Percy: No, I mean it's a MADE-UP myth. Not like, an actual true myth.
    Jason: So this is why Annabeth is the brains of the operation, huh?
    Percy: Shut up, Grace.
  • After Nico got his clothes shredded by werewolves, he ends up spending a lot of his story wearing a tropical patterned shirt covered in parrots and palm trees. Just imagine Nico di Angelo wearing a Hawaiian T-shirt.
  • "Do not call me Aquaman. That's worse than Water Boy."
  • Leo setting the mechanical Hygeia and her pet snake on "idiot mode." Highlights include the snake bashing itself into a wall repeatedly. But even funnier is what Leo puts on the waiting room screen afterwards:
    • Hygeia playing the role of a receptionist for Asclepius, one who's obsessed with health insurance and cleanliness. And Asclepius himself is exasperated by this, saying she takes all the fun out of medicine, and also mentions the real Hygeia isn't at all like the statue.
  • "More onagers? Did they have a sale on them or something?"
  • The Battle of the Parthenon is awesome overall, but Leo's entrance takes the cake for funny and awesome:
    Enceladus: [howling in outrage due to remembering the last time they fought] Valdez!
  • Nico and Will Solace's Belligerent Sexual Tension, starting with them arguing while Nico completely coincidentally remembers meeting Will's dad, Apollo:
    He remembered Apollo, smiling and tanned and completely cool in his shades.
    Thalia had said, He's hot.
    He's the sun god, Percy had replied.
    That's not what I meant.
    Why was Nico thinking about that now?
    • The fact that they were too busy bickering to notice the entire First Cohort approaching.
  • Will Solace was a very secondary character until the last part of the book and, as a son of Apollo, was assumed to have the usual talents. When he gets a little more limelight and joins the action, it turns out his single "musical talent" is ultrasonic whistling. Which he weaponizes.
  • The fate of Thoon, the giant made to slain the Moirai. The last times he's seen, the Moirai are beating him to death. In the form of three old ladies. Let's remember that, while smaller than his brothers, Thoon is still a giant.
    • Let's digress on the fact that even the gods are a bit nerved out by three old ladies with canes. Some were seen edging a bit nervously from the Moirai during the meeting after the giants were defeated. Also counts as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
  • After the fight with the giants but before the trip back to Camp Half-Blood, one of the demigods asks why the gods even need them. Cue the gods all looking like someone forced vinegar mustard and castor seed oil down their throats.
    Aphrodite: Don't you think we are all asking ourselves that, honey?
  • The Seven are in Athens while Gaea is rising on Long Island, and trying to get a very annoyed Zeus to help them find a way back to help.
    Jason: The winds. Father, can't you unleash the winds to send our ship back?
    Zeus: [glowering] I could slap you back to Long Island.
    Jason: Um, was that a joke, or a threat, or—
    Zeus: No, I mean it quite literally.
  • Frank turns into a dragon carrying Annabeth and Percy in his talons. Annabeth is screaming for blood whereas Percy says, "I hate flying!!"
  • "Greeks! Let's um... fight stuff!"
    • Jason fondly notes that what the Greeks lacked in order, they certainly made up with enthusiasm.
  • Leo finding the eternal Gaea eternally annoying
  • Lou Ellen turning some of the Romans into piglets to keep as pets
  • There is honestly something humorous how Octavian met his demise; he tried to attack the Greeks, but it just sent him flying overhead screaming while no one is paying attention to him. Also, the revived Leo has no idea about the missile screaming like a little girl.
  • Leo is alive and flying on Festus to Ogygia and whooping with glee to be alive.
  • Before the Romans leave, Frank asks Nico if he'll see him again. Nico replies, "Oh, you will. I'm going to be the flower boy at your wedding, right?", flustering Frank so badly he runs into a doorjamb.
  • Percy's utter confusion at Nico's admission coupled with Annabeth getting it right away. As well as Nico and Annabeth repeatedly cutting Percy's "wait, so you mean"s off through the conversation.
    Nico “But it’s cool. We’re cool. I mean, I see now... you’re cute, but you’re not my type.”
    Percy “I’m not your type... Wait. So—”
    • Annabeth high-fives Nico after this. Whether it's in congratulations for getting that off his chest or agreeing that Percy is cute is left to the reader.

    The Demigod Diaries 
  • Luke's incredible talent for snarking gives us this wonderful gem:
    He (Hal) showed us the computer's internet browser. Great. Now we could order pizza and watch the monsters eat the delivery guy.
  • Percy trying to intimidate Cacus by casually mentioning all their heroic deeds. It doesn't work.
    Cacus: (laughing) The only demigod who ever defeated me was Hercules himself.
    Percy: Always Hercules. What is it with Hercules?
    Annabeth: He had a great publicist.
  • Percy stops thinking of a clever plan for a moment and goes off about Annabeth instead.
    They way her Camp Half-Blood beads rested against her throat - okay, sorry. Got a little distracted.
  • Leo being his awesome self when Piper and Jason just don't get his explanations.
    Piper: Um... could you make the short explanation shorter?
    Leo: Fine. One hour. Fluids mix. Bunker goes ka-boom. One square mile of forest turns into a smoking crater.
    Leo: Gee, I didn't think of that! Let me just hit this switch and - No, Piper. I can't turn it off.
  • Leo pretending to be Dionysus.


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