Funny: Person of Interest
open/close all folders
- From the pilot: Reese walks in on a gun buy and asks those involved if they've taken a firearms safety course.
Reese: Take you, for instance. You're holding the gun sideways. You can't aim it, and two, it'll eject the cartridge right into your face.
- Then he demonstrates it to them. And takes the guns they were looking at, to keep them out of the hands of people so clearly inexperienced in safe handling.
- In The Teaser Reese foils an murder of a rich businessman who's cheating on his wife.
Reese: You should call the police. And a good divorce lawyer.
- Finch explains to Reese what would happen if his cover identity is blown:
"The entire department would be overhauled. Some employees would be transferred, some would be promoted. [looks at the Jerkass supervisor] Some would be fired."
- Reese walks into a place looking for information on the hitman who killed the PoI's family. He's quickly thrown out and threatened not to come back. He gets up and casts a look at Fusco, then walks right back in.
- In The Teaser Reese foils an murder of a rich businessman who's cheating on his wife.
- In "Witness", Reese wonders if one of the POI's students intends to harm him.
Reese: "You know teaching can be a dangerous profession."Finch: "Yes, I imagine espionage was a much safer choice, Mr. Reese."Reese: [smirks]
- In "Super" Reese and Finch hack into the all the wireless networks in an apartment building so they can spy on the residents, one of whom is a young female doing yoga in full view of her webcam. In her underwear. She's... "healthy." Cue hilarious synchronized headtilt.
- Also from "Super"—Three words: "Use the cushion!"
- Reese teaching Finch "basic self-defense." He suggests two different tactics (both of which involve attacking a man's eyes), prompting absolute horror from Finch.
- Towards the end of the episode Finch actually uses one of the moves, hitting a man in the eye with his thumb. He stares at his thumb for a second and then wipes it off, disgusted.
- In "Legacy" Reese gets close to the lawyer he's investigating under the guise of suing his employer for work related injuries; she asks what his boss is like, and he proceeds to describe Finch (who he knows is listening in on the conversation) in unflattering terms.
Reese: "[He's] very manipulative. Secretive. We've had some personality conflicts."Andrea: "I take it he has a lot of money?"Reese: "He's one of those rich loner types. The kind you'd call strange if he didn't have so much cash, so instead he's.... eccentric."
- In "Root Cause" a student at the public library spending time with a girl mistakes Finch and Zoe for a couple.
"Nice work, dude!"
- He also gives Finch a thumbs up when he sees him again later (with a different girl!).
- "Wolf and Cub." Fusco gets shot in the butt. Poor guy, it's actually pretty funny.
Carter: You know, I always pictured you in the back of my car. In handcuffs.Reese: Well, to each his own.
- Reese dumps a naked murder suspect in the back of a NYPD cruiser and leaves a few empty beer bottles for good measure. The officers couldn't believe what they saw the next morning, assuming he slept there the whole night.
- This exchange when Reese appears in the backseat of Carter's police cruiser.
- In "Baby Blue" Reese and Finch play daddy to a six month old.
Finch: A baby went missing from a clinic in Washington Heights last night.
- The part where Finch chides Reese about safe storage of his arsenal after they find the baby teething on a tear gas grenade is especially amusing. They sound exactly like a couple bickering over the proper way to raise their child.
- The Funny Background Event of Baby Leila in a makeshift playpen made of books was amazing.
- And the composite sketch of Finch was hilarious.
"It's no wonder they never catch anybody with these things."
- Carter is exasperated when Finch, who is stocking up on baby supplies at the time, tells her that he kidnapped the baby because "she was in imminent danger of kidnapping."
Carter: Missing? It was stolen. By some weird-looking... [realizes] No. You didn't.
Cashier: "Congratulations! Is it your first?"Finch: [Frozen stare](and Carter has this "You're kidding me, right?" look on her face)
- The exasperation level gets taken Up to Eleven when he tells her that he left the baby in Reese's care. He is utterly matter-of-fact about the whole thing until the store cashier mistakes the two of them for new parents:
Reese: [Points at father] "Da-da?" [Points at son] "Or da-da?"
- While trying to find out about Leila's parents, Finch pulls up a picture of a couple and their twenty-something son.
- Finch getting distracted by the baby.
Finch: How about a delicious bottle?Reese: Finch, are you there?
- In "Identity Crisis", Harold is obviously smitten with the female POI.
- Finch: We have to keep a closer eye on Jordan.Reese: "Jordan?" You're on a first name basis now?Finch: No, I'm just tired of using pronouns.
Harold: [to Fusco] Want to hack the Pentagon?
- In that same episode, it's revealed that Finch invented online social networking.
- And then Finch gets doped on ecstasy. Hilarity Ensues.
- In "No Good Deed", Henry Peck spends several minutes ranting about how he's discovered that the government is spying on the entire country, but we get don't see who he's talking to until the end: cut to a shot of Fusco glancing disinterestedly around the room before asking Peck if he wants a soda.
- In Firewall, Carter, Fusco and Reese are chasing a car full of HR officers, Reese tells Carter to slow down....and blows up the HR officers car with a bomb. He then nonchalantly suggests they buy a drink sometime while Carter and Fusco stare at the flaming vehicle dumbstruck.
- "The Contingency": Reese quieting Angry Guard Dog Bear by speaking Dutch. (Video here.)
Leon: It's a sex thing. You got a problem with that?
- Finch's interactions with said dog are half this and half heartwarming. In one instance, he makes the grave mistake of giving Bear a squeaky toy that annoys him to no end. How does he fix this? Remove the squeaker.
- Leon Tao managed to escape from a police station, still handcuffed. He subsequently encounters a clerk who glances at them.
- In "Bad Code", some people have the extremely smart idea of picking up a fight with Reese, and he handily defeats them. Cue the same people trying to pick up ANOTHER fight later:
Man: Time for a re-match, and don't you try to sucker punch me agai—
Hersh: "That won't be a problem. Not exactly New York's finest working on this one."
- After the fight, Reese steals their laptop and weapons and they timidly approach him later to ask for them back. Cue Reese, not even pausing his phone conversation or turning his head, aiming a crossbow right at their face. Needless to say, they leave him alone after that.
- Hersh is told over the phone not to arouse NYPD's suspicion. He looks at Fusco trying and failing to train Bear (he accidentally tells him to jump on his desk).
- From "Masquerade", this conversation between Carter and Reese.
Reese: Why don't you wait in the car?Carter: *unimpressed* Why don't you wait in the car?Reese: Give me three and a half minutes.Carter: Oh, please. There are at least ten guys in there.Reese: ...Okay, four minutes.
Carter: I got bored sitting in the car. And it took you longer than four minutes.Reese: Well, this guy hit me over the head with a neon sign. Not very sportsmanlike, and none of them want to tell me where to find their pal Monty.Carter: Yeah, that's why you should ask them before you knock them out, John.
- ...and later, after Carter shoots a member of the gang and saves Reese:
Finch: What's Sofia doing?Reese: Her seventh vodka shot.Finch: Do you plan to intervene?Reese: I'm here to protect, not discipline. [Behind him, Sofia gets up on the bar.] Besides, it not like she's dancing on the— [Turns around to see Sofia dancing on the bar]
- When Reese accompanies Sofia to the club:
- In "Bury the Lede", Reese has to get close to someone, but since she's a reporter who is also investigating "the man in the suit", his normal methods are out of the question. Cue priceless dawning horror when he realizes Finch has created a false profile (complete with cute pictures of Bear!) for him on an online dating site. Finch is having way too much fun here.
Reese: Wait... You're trying to get me a date with her?
Finch: Already have. Tonight at eight. You've been flirting all day.
Reese: [sees Maxine checking her texts and smiling] Finch? What did I just say to her?
- At one point, Reese has no other choice but to bring her back to his apartment. Finch is leaning back in his chair, resigned to the situation, before suddenly jumping up and exclaiming, "Shoot, I've got your dog!"
- When he gets there, he hides in the closet, popping out a moment later and toss Bear his chew toy before darting back in...only to realize that all three walls are completely covered in weapons and ammunition. His expression of bug-eyed horror is what really sells it. Gifs of the moment can be found here, here, and here.
Finch: When were you ever going to need all those?!
- Finch's attempts to advise Reese during the date ends with a lecture on social psychology, at which point Reese turns his earpiece off.
- When Reese is cleaning a very large military sniper gun in the library:
Finch: I wish you wouldn't do that here.
Reese: When I do it in the park people look at me funny.
- The best part is, Reese's delivery is so deadpan it isn't clear if he's snarking or he's actually done so.
- At the beginning of "The High Road", Bear licks one of the doughnuts on Finch's desk; Finch reprimands him, and then gets distracted when Reese arrives and doesn't throw it away. Any guesses as to which doughnut Reese chooses?
Reese: "Little stingy on the sprinkles."
Finch, talking about the POI: "How can he afford this lifestyle?"John: "Maybe he met a reclusive billionaire."
- It's made even more hilarious when Finch realizes which doughnut he chose, is about to say something, but thinks better of it. Reese's disgusted expression when he bites into the doughnut is a thing of beauty.
- Later, Reese Lampshades the show's premise.
Zoe: [looking around the idyllic suburban neighborhood] You remember when you saved me from being tortured and killed by corporate hitmen? Consider us even.John: Does that mean you don't want me to carry you over the threshold?Zoe: When this is over, I might have to fight you for custody of the dog.Zoe: [after John draws his gun when the doorbell rings] John, it's a doorbell. Let's try not to shoot any Girl Scouts on our first day, okay?Zoe: What do these people do for fun?John: [shrugs] Got any ideas?[Gilligan Cut to Reese and Zoe playing poker and drinking scotch with loud music on the background]Zoe: Suburbs might not be so bad after all.Zoe, at the end of the episode: "Is this the part where we get divorced?"
- Zoe and John are legendary Deadpan Snarkers. They pretend to be married for the week, and pose as a suburban couple. Glorious snarking at everything under the light of the sun proceeds, including, but not limited to:
- John proposing to Zoe was hilarious. She did not see that coming.
- The first few minutes of "Critical". Finch gets a repeat number, and Reese wonders who's dumb enough to get in a life-threatening situation a second time. Cue Leon from "The Contingency" being tossed out a window. Having no time to deal with his problem, Reese brings him back to the library and orders Bear to keep watch over him. After Leon moans that there's nothing to do, Finch tells him to entertain himself with a book on penal law.
- "Til Death":
- Finch: "Thank you for appreciating my descent into deviant behavior."
- While in the context it is heartwarming, outside of context it is pretty funny to hear a couple saying "I'm so sorry I tried to kill you, honey!" in tears in such a nonchalant way.
- What's funnier is with Fusco trying to hide from his date that a couple of publisher owners were kidnapped and that Fusco was a bit surprised that they weren't killing each other anymore after the attempted assassination at their New York residence.
- The kidnappings were hilarious.
Reese: (to Fusco) Thanks for your help.
Fusco: Yeah, no problem, I always wanted to be an accessory to kidnapping.
Carter: Multiple kidnappings.
- Finch Comically Missing the Point when Carter resignedly asks if he went through legal channels to obtain evidence in "C.O.D."
Carter: His GPS logs? Which I'm sure you obtained by submitting an official request to the department.
Finch: (sincerely) Not quite. But if it would make you feel better I could hack into their network and make it look like I did. It would only take me a few minutes.
- Finch's reaction to his first ride on the back of a speeding motorcycle in "Shadow Box" is this; he thought it was exhilarating and wants to buy one for himself! Reese's facial expression when Finch tells him is hilarious!
- Reese ribbing Carter about her potential love interest Beecher and that he might get a visit from him if he treats wrong.
- "Prisoner's Dilemma":
Fusco: We gonna bust John out of [Rikers] or not?
- This gem at the very start, when Fusco complains to Finch about not being given anything to do. He then suggests:
Finch: Oh, it sounds like such a bad idea when you say it.
- Northern Light's chief hitman Hersh is tasked by the special counsel to access Rykers Island Penetentiary to find and kill Reese. How does he get in? Straight after he's finished talking to his boss, with a utterly stoic face, Hersh draws his sidearm and empties it in the air in front of dozens of civilians and police officers. The utterly straight face he keeps while doing so and getting arrested sells it.
- Who didn't laugh their head off at the sight of Finch fully suited up and wielding a grenade launcher with idea of pretty much storming the prison to break Reese out?
- How does Bear deal with Reese's absence? By sleeping on one of his suits! The visual is hilarious, with a high concentration of d'aww.
- Also, Finch recruiting Fusco to do John's work. Hilarity Ensues. The show repeatedly Gilligan Cuts to his numerous misfortunes at random, which include getting pepper sprayed in the eyes while trying to explain his job, an epic shootout, and the gem of the crown: The freaking lingerie model falling in love with our short, stubby lovable heroic policeman. She kisses him. Cue Fusco completely freezing in absolute shock.
- "Dead Reckoning"
Stanton: So why the Cruise missile?Snow: Had to be sure.Stanton: [smirks at the man she has strapped to a bomb vest] And how's that working out for you?
- Mark Snow explaining to Reese and Stanton that the reason he had that bomb dropped on Ordos was so he could ensure they both ended up dead. Yeah. That obviously worked out really well, Mark.
- It was funny that Reese and Mark were forced to work together despite the fact that they hated each other becuase of Ordos.
- In "Relevance", Reese meets Shaw. He introduces himself and tries to convince her he can help her. She shoots him in the chest in their first meeting. Cue the second one:
Reese: Can you do me a favor? Can you not shoot me this time?Shaw: Give me a good reason.Reese: I don't know, I'm a really nice person. And well, that. (points towards the poison syringe stuck in her back)
Finch: Do you think she'll call us a taxi?
- When Shaw staggers out of the building the ISA has tried to ambush her in, guess who she runs into? Wilson, her boss who's coordinating the killing of her and Cole. He walks around a corner, doing a sit rep with the tactical teams....The Oh, Crap look he makes when he sees an incredibly pissed off Shaw who's day has gone from bad to worse and is running on rage and adrenaline is priceless. Both then recover fast enough to draw their sidearms and engage in a quick gunfight.
- A small moment, but in the confrontation at the gala Shaw calls Wilson an idiot in front of his boss for trying to kill her and her partner as a first resort and then screwing that up spectacularly. Wilson just looks away sheepishly. "
- Tao moaning about the trouble he had getting Shaw to the graveyard is hilarious.
- When Shaw leaves after taking Reese and Finch's phones, Finch is left wondering how they'll get home from the graveyard:
- In "Proteus" a red herring in the search for a serial killer leads to a smuggler instead. After dealing with it in his own inimitable fashion, Reese begins dragging the now unconscious smuggler away, griping all the way.
Reese: Unbelievable. We're hunting a killer. Instead we get amateur drug night in the sticks.
- "Don't say anything; just bleed if I'm right."
- The opening scene with Reese and Finch and Bear coming out of the cinema. So that Bear wasn't "excluded" from the movie Finch pretended his Big Friendly Dog was an assistance dog. Reese comments this is 'unethical'. They apparently got away with it.
- The opening of "All In" has Leon in danger yet again, this time for scamming a group of Nigerian scammers. When he figures out they're going to kill him the background music stops playing and he just calmly explains to them that they should leave before it's too late. Cue Reese and Bear entering and defeating the two in seconds.
Reese: We really should stop meeting like this.
Leon: Are you the Nigerian scammers? *Beat* I can't believe you're actually Nigerian.
- Also this...
Leon: It's not technically a crime to scam a scammer.Nigerian: But it is a crime to cut out a man's intestines and make him wear them as a hat.Leon: Wait... you're actually going to kill me?Nigerian: ... probably.
- And this.
- In "Trojan Horse" Shaw shows up at the library. And the highly trained attack dog... welcomes her, and then goes back to his bed.
Finch: I think it's safe to say you're the first person ever to call me that.
- Bonus CMOF: Shaw, speaking to Finch, describes Team Machine: "...you, your poorly-socialized guard dog... and Bear here."
- Shaw calling Finch "trusting" for offering her a job. Finch looks awkwardly to one side, then:
Reese: If you two would rather be left alone...
- Reese insisting that Finch has a 'crush' on the Number, Monica. And then when the two end up working together to break into the networks of Monica's own company:
- In "In Extremis", the entire scene in the car with Dr. Nelson and the stock trader.
Nelson: Have I mentioned that my eyesight is starting to fail? *aims gun*
- "I've lost people. So when I care about someone, I put a tracking device on them."
- In "God Mode", the rebooted Machine sends Reese and Shaw on various live-saving errands before they can rescue Finch. One of which is an angry man pointing a gun at his ex and her new husband at their wedding. They drive up, Reese shoots him in the arm, and then congratulates the couple before driving off.
Reese: What's this for?
- Also, Reese and Shaw requesting transport, with Shaw grumbling that it had better not be a station wagon this time. Cue them opening a garage to find a sexy, Ferrari 458 and Shaw tossing Reese her shotgun. Doubles as a Visual Pun.
Shaw: To help you feel less inadequate while I drive this thing.
The Machine: Two hundred yards right.Reese: Two hundred yards, turn right.Shaw: What right, John?John: You gotta trust, Shaw.
- Later on, Reese and Shaw are told to 'turn right in 300 yards'... while on an elevated highway. This means going off the side and clambering out in front of a bunch of aerial paramedics who can't believe what they're seeing.
- A subtle one, but when Lawrence Szilard mentions that Alicia Corwin was killed last year, Root remarks, "Such a tragedy," and Finch gives her the side-eye.
- At the Hanford Site: People in containment suits, handling nuclear waste. And Finch and Root casually strolling past them, as if they're not there.
- After all the build-up, there is something quite amusing about seeing Root and Finch enter a massive room behind a secure door complete with warning signs...only to find it empty save one guy with a laptop.
Finch: Fleet week. The annual deluge of drunken sailors that somehow does not qualify as a military attack.
- Fusco being used as Shaw's human shield/bipod. After she takes out the gunmen who were trying to ambush the POI, he recovers from the shock, draws his own gun half a minute afterwards and haplessly surveys the carnage Shaw has brought down on the gunmen
- Fusco is also dressed in a top hat, tails and the world's most hilarious false beard.
- Reese and Shaw are patching up the POI who has been shot. He suddenly wakes up, grabs Reese's wrist in a vice like grip....and finds Shaw sticking her handgun into the side of his head.
- After the diamond exchange has gone thoroughly wrong, Reese and Shaw are gone, and the Russian mobsters and devil dogs are all in injured heaps on the floor. Scarface casually walks in, stepping over the groaning bodies, takes the diamonds and the cash, and walks out whistling along to the background music.
- "Nothing to Hide":
Reese: [The POI]'s in Shaw's hands now.Finch: I hope sending her in there was a good decision.Reese: You doubt her ability to be discreet?Finch: I doubt her ability to keep from shooting someone.Wayne Kruger: You know, sometimes, I wish I had an assistant whose qualifications extended beyond having a great ass.Shaw: I sure hope this guy's a perpetrator.
- Shaw's insistence that she can't shoot someone without eating something.
- YMMV but in a black comedy sense, due to the POI's status as an Ass Hole Victim the scenes at Kruger's office qualify like a darker version of a Monty Python sketch. In a few short minutes, his secretary finds out he only hired her for her looks, the board of directors finds out about his shady past and immediately forces him out of the company and the icing on the cake is when he gets into an elevator which immediately goes into free fall.
- "Lady Killer":
Finch: It will require you wearing something...less than conservative...
- Finch being Adorkable when telling Carter what she will need to wear to the safehouse.
- Shaw quickly profiling the POI as a sociopath, and then quickly saying "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
- Shaw looking rather uncomfortable in ladies' evening wear, and then bonding with Carter over lethal and nonlethal weaponry. The grin on Shaw's face totally sells it.
"I'm game for whatever... as long as I get to drive."Shaw: Really? A yoga instructor?Reese: Would you prefer trained killer?
- The Running Gag in the series continues in the profile Finch created for Shaw:
Reese: You'll have to use your charm Shaw, not your sidearm.Finch: I hope that's not going to be a problem.Shaw: What's that supposed to mean? I don't look good? Cause I think I look good.Reese: You look fine Shaw. You just look angry, all the time.Fusco: This place is a ripoff. Club soda cost me $5. Nice view though.Carter: (to Ian Murphy) You never know what kinda creeps you'll run into.Shaw: I clocked you and Zoe right off the bat, but I never thought you and Carter...Reese: We're just friends.Shaw: ...relationships are for amateurs. Guys these days have so many emotions, they cry, they wanna be held—I just don't know what to do with them.
- And then more when they discuss getting his attention:
Shaw: Our guy just went from blue blood to hipster faster than you can say "ironic facial hair".Finch: I don't understand anything you just said.
- Root's interactions with her therapist. She slowly begins to creep him out and on the day of her escape, he's reduced to cowering behind cover as she exchanges gunfire with Hersh. After making sure Hersh is incapacitated, she then politely thanks the therapist and leaves, leaving him alone in a shot-up corridor full of unconscious bodies.
Root: Seriously? Even this guy? (Machine beeps an affirmative.) I guess you're the boss.''
- When Root is stopped from executing Hersh by the machine, she's rather annoyed.
- Finch rushes in moments later, to find Hersh groaning on the floor, the poor therapist in shock, and everything else mentioned above. He's stunned.
- Finch does not understand modern slang.
- "Reasonable Doubt":
Shaw: Speaking of forbidden love, did you frame Vanessa for Jeremy's murder because you were sleeping with him?Nicole: (flustered) Uh—Shaw: Sorry. Not Jeremy. "Hotstuff."Nicole: I didn't— I—(Shaw gets her gun out from her purse and chambers a round; everybody but her gasps.)Shaw: Up to me, I'd shoot your sorry ass. Unfortunately, it's not, so I have to protect you, because your best friend might be on her way here to kill you. Now... what's this book about?
- Shaw goes undercover to a book club meeting of "pseudo-intellectual glorified trophy wives" discussing Lolita
Old man: Oh, that's not good. The little wheel's spinning. I'll just, uh, restart.*Shaw's expression turns murderous as she reaches for a letter opener on the man's desk**Fusco hastily intervenes*
- In the Greenwich, CT bank, the superannuated banking officer is clearly not at home with computers. After watching him tap out all his commands by hunt and peck and then screwing up his password, Fusco and Shaw are both more than ready to get on the road as soon as possible.
Dr. Jensen: I don't know how to thank you.[beat]Finch: One of those expensive chew toys you have for sale at reception would help.
- From the beginning of the episode, when Finch and Reese foil an attempted theft at the veterinarian's, with Bear's help:
Gen: "I thought you might be a robot..."
- Gen poking Shaw.
Finch: (to himself) Read the labels, Harold.
- Finch goes through the various tapes Gen made of everyone in her building. Inevitably, one turns out to be full of passionate grunting and moaning, which flusters poor Finch and makes him eject the tape quickly. He flips it over to find Jen labelled it "GROSS!"
- Shaw's hilarious attempt to hug Gen.
- Shaw asking Finch if he knows anything about chemistry. He simply says "Enough" with a Evil Grin growing across his face. Next scene the drug factory Shaw's in explodes.
- "Mors Praematura"
Finch: "Miss Shaw may be violent and uncommunicative, but she is never tardy."
- Finch getting worried about Shaw:
Root: Sorry about that.Shaw: Which part, the tasing, the drugging or whatever this is?Root: She needs our help and...I figured you wouldn't come willingly.
- Shaw and Root's uneasy alliance was full to the brim with deadpan snarking.
- Root and Shaw break into a CIA "Pick-up site". Root begins to eat an apple and tells Shaw there's a CIA agent behind her. They get into a fight with Root watching and eating her apple all the while Shaw is beating up the agent until she decides to simply use her taser and end the fight quickly
- Reese is searching Shaw's apartment. Looking in the fridge, he finds batteries, grenades, small arms, and a jug of milk. He tells Finch that there's nothing out of the ordinary in there.
- "The Perfect Mark"
Reese: For 200 bucks an hour, Finch, I hope you get more than an expensive nap.
- Reese teasing Finch at the hypnotist's:
Finch: As before, Ms. Groves, Mr. Reese is upstairs with an unhealthy number of firearms. Please don't try to run.
- Finch cautioning Root:
Carter: I'm following an HR lead. They want to whack a Swedish antique dealer for screwing up their money laundering.
- Carter lampshading how little context Reese ever gives her.
Reese: That's funny. I'm on a conman therapist who happens to have a Swedish antiques dealer as a patient.
Carter: (Aside Glance) ...I'll pretend that makes sense.
- Reese and Carter's out-of-nowhere fist bump.
Reese: Wait, that's my grenade launcher?
- A good portion of the Hilarious comes from all in one scene
- The scene earlier where Reese and Finch are convinced that a woman who used a grenade launcher wearing a gas mask is behind the drug theft, Harold goes "Who does this reminds you of?" and in walks Shaw to both men eyeing her like she stole the Hope Diamond "Okay, you're acting weird..."
Finch: (absolute shock) Oh my God, that's Detective Carter, isn't it? (absolute deadpan) Your social circle isn't terrible wide.
- Shaw, once again, fangirling over Carter's antics.
- Finch deducing from Shaw's fangirling that it's Detective Carter in the video. His panic and shock plus his casual knock of Shaw's people skills all at once just make this scene even better.
- A good portion of the Hilarious comes from all in one scene
- The Crossing:
Mook: That's a nice suit. Maybe we'll bury you in it.
- "You know, the dog's the only one that likes you."
- Shaw snatches a Pizza Pocket out of a poor HR officer's hand and replaces it with a hand grenade, then removes the pin and cuffs him to the steering wheel. She later tosses the pin into the back seat of the car and leaves the man to his fate after he fails to answer her questions.
- Reese's Pre-Asskicking One-Liner on the subway train:
Simmons: [cracks open a cookie and throws the crumbs at Fusco] "You will be unusually successful at your career." Y'know, I don't think that one's true. [tosses the paper away and cracks open another] "A thrilling time is in your future." We're getting close now. [cracks open a third] Ah, here we go: "Tell your friends what they wanna know, or they will break you apart limb from limb." That's more like it.
- The Cold-Blooded Torture Simmons inflicts on Fusco is definitely hardcore Nightmare Fuel, but his short fortune cookie spiel was quite amusing for such a bleak situation:
Finch: Officer Simmons said you might be in need of my assistance.Mook: Yeah? Who are you?Finch: I'm the guy that's gonna catch you when you fall. [Taser buzzing, man slumps to floor] Sorry, I'm not very good at this.
- Finch walks up to an HR mook.
- "The Devil's Share"
Fusco: "You know, if you had told me about the carpool arrangements, I would have drove separately."
- The shot of Finch, Shaw Fusco and Root crammed into Harold's Lincoln is a sight to behold.
Just when I think life with you people couldn't get any weirder, one of you takes it to the next level.
- When they get out, Fusco is extremely sceptical of Root's abilities. With the Machine's help, she lists the change from his morning coffee run, the picture of his father back at Fusco's house and even tells him where his name came from completely freaking out Fusco.
Shaw: Okay, that was kinda hot.
- Shaw remarking on Root's Guns Akimbo attack on the Russians.
Doctor: You walked into the waiting room eating an energy bar and proceeded to tell the Loftin family their father was dead.
- Black Comedy courtesy of Shaw's detachedness:
Shaw: Because he was.
Doctor: And, presumably, you were hungry.
Claypool: "It's a piece of crap for anyone who picks up the scent."
- The Machine tries to give Harold the next number; Harold responds by giving the Machine the silent treatment and ignoring every single payphone that is ringing.
- Harold sitting with the POI, a terminally ill friend of his from MIT, singing the school song together. The moment it ends Shaw remarks that Reese will be sorry that he missed that.
- Arthur's comments regarding various surveillance programs. In particular, his take on PRISIM.
Shaw: There's a time for a scalpel, and a time for a hammer. It's hammer time.
- Shaw's immortal line.
Finch: Did you make a backup [of Samaritan]?[Arthur is silent, with a vacant look]Shaw: Save it, Harold. He's closed for business.Arthur: [side eye glance at Shaw] Of course I made a backup. It's just that woman seemed quite dangerous, so I played the tumor card. It was a ruse, remembering to forget.Shaw: You're growing on me, Arthur.Arthur: [surprised look at Shaw] Who are you?Shaw: [smile drops] ...never mind.
- And the exchange between Arthur and Shaw:
Owen: Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but who the hell are you?Reese: A concerned frequent flyer.
- Reese's adventures on the airplane, including the scene where he purposely shoves over an obnoxious businessman's suitcase when loading an old lady's bag into the overhead cabin, as well as giving the same guy a quick knockout punch while the stewardess is complaining to her co-worker.
- Later on...
Finch: Would it be too much to ask you to snap a twig?Shaw: [obviously suppressing a smile] Not my thing.
- After Shaw sneaks up on and startles Finch:
Owen: Going through people's stuff? That's not cool, what are you looking for?Reese: A safety razor, maybe. Hair spray.Owen: Dude, your hair looks fine. That salt and pepper thing's like catnip to soccer moms. Go au naturel.[Reese gives Owen his best Death Glare]
- Reese constantly asking for blankets and scotch for his recently unconscious assailants. Reaches it's peak when he asks the stewardess for scotch to put a young boy to sleep.
- Owen's fashion advice:
Finch: I'm only rated for props!
- At the climax, when Finch has to fly the jet remotely from his office, he quickly reaches to the shelf behind his desk and pulls out a PC flightsim yoke and throttle setup.
Reese: Where's my backup weapon?Shaw: Moved it to the history section a week ago. It's time you upgraded your hardware.
- Shaw pointing out the "mildly erotic moment" in which Reese is trying to tie his bowtie while Finch keeps giving advice without actually reaching up to tie it for him.
- And then Finch keeps rolling along with it when the woman at Reception says (about Reese) "He's gorgeous!" to which Finch just wiggles his eyebrows at her.
- Also, the one-liner contests between Shaw and Reese, for example:
Reese: We'll need someone to help secure architectural designs, steal them if we have to, then develop our operation—Fusco: Or just call someone from the NYPD with friends in security, who can get you those kinds of things. Yeah, that's right, I know people.
- Lionel Fusco making his grand entrance:
Property Manager: Do you really have nuclear triggers in that briefcase?Reese: No. ''*whacks unsuspecting manager over the head with his case*
- Reese in disguise in the elevator:
- Every scene in which Reese wears that ridiculous fake mustache. Spawned its own Tumblr.
- Shaw pointing out the "mildly erotic moment" in which Reese is trying to tie his bowtie while Finch keeps giving advice without actually reaching up to tie it for him.
- "Last Call"
Shaw: There is no dead in team!
- Harold fielding a 911 call from a man whose car is being broken into... by squirrels. Reese and Shaw tease him by insisting that he should've taken the call.
- The Casual Danger Dialog between Reese and Shaw.
- Finch is complaining about being the one to work at the 911 call center, causing Shaw to ask, "Do you really want someone to call 911 and get me?".
Dillinger: It's not good for you to be in here all day by yourself, Harold. You ever think about getting a dog?
- A rather Reese-like protector is teasing Finch:
Daniel Casey: This is an original edition of Shannon and Weaver's Mathematical Theory of Communication. This is...Finch: I believe the word you're looking for is "rad."
- A PoI is talking to Harold.
Kara: That's new.
- Kara and Reese's looks of bewilderment after the Decima agent they were torturing flings himself out of a window to avoid talking.
- "/" (originally titled "Root Path"):
Root: I wasn't talking to you.(In the NYPD station)Fusco: Nobody's taking this guy from me without a big fat federal warrant, you got that?
- When Root is getting Billy off the prison bus, a random prisoner calls out, "My name's Billy too!".
- Everything Root does is a mixture of awesome and funny. Example:
(Root promptly whips out a thick blue packet)(later)Fusco: (to Reese) She had a warrant—a real one. What was I supposed to say? "Sorry, boss, Agent King is actually a superpowered nutball. Just ask my buddy, the urban legend."
- After showing Finch the nasty scar behind her deaf ear, Root says, "Oh, did you not hear about my chat with Control? She's fun... in an unnecessary stapedectomy kind of way," in reference to Control torturing her.
- Root opens the window of the number's apartment and throws Shaw an energy bar. Shaw picks it up and eats it.
- Root gives Fusco a battery, telling him that his smoke alarm is going to go off later that night.
- Shaw having some fun at Fusco's expense over his provincialism.
- Fusco driving a fire truck and commenting he always wanted to drive those since he was a kid.
- Reese tackles a mook out of a window and down a four story drop. Shaw and Fusco are completely lost for words
- Shaw finding out Mari is in love with Omar.
"Are you gonna cry?"
- "Most Likely To..."
Shaw: Is it just me, or is it getting harder to tell all the tourists apart?
- Shaw isn't happy on stakeout:
Shaw: Is that why you had us dress up, Harold? An evening at the theater?Finch: If you keep an open mind, Miss Shaw, you might actually enjoy yourself.Shaw: What's the show?Finch: (hesitates) Mamma Mia!.(Reese and Shaw look distinctly unimpressed)
- Later on...
Jack: Well, some people are gun-shy.
- Root casually strolling on into a crime scene with her "Agent King" ID, prompting Fusco's Screw This, I'm Outta Here! reaction.
- Finch being less than happy about Lionel Fusco's music choices. (Dixie Chicks and Music/ACDC , for the record.)
- Reese and Shaw's expressions of utter disbelief (particularly Shaw's) when they run into the perky greeter at the high school reunion.
- And then Shaw fuming at her "apparent resemblance" to the real Betty.
- Jack Tanner talking to Shaw (as "Betty"):
- The Running Gag of every attractive woman at the reunion slapping "Frank" is explained when Shaw reveals that the real Frank was quite the womanizer in his high school days.
- ...which also makes Finch's description of the real Frank as "the mattress king" into a neat Double Entendre.
- Shaw calling back the Running Gag of the series when she baldly states that she "handles stress" by shooting someone every now and then.
- "Death Benefit"
Root: Hey, kids. You miss me between drug deals?Shaw: Yeah. I miss you like I miss an intestinal parasite.Root: I love your similes.
- Shaw being able to make the drug dealers turn to each other while being a Deadpan Snarker.
- Shaw and Root drinking cocktails and causally talking only to reveal that they're sitting in a bar full of drug dealers that they beat up.
- Reese offers to sing to Finch next time they're on a stake-out together.
- Root rides up on a motorcycle. She and Shaw have this exchange.
Garrison: Mr. Greer, I'd assumed the beta test of your system would be a little more...professional.
- This exchange between Greer and Garrison when the latter gets his first look at the former's crude setup for Samaritan's beta test, a mashup of monitors and keyboards on a couple of folding tables:
Greer: [soft chuckle] The espresso machine is on its way.
Root: In evidence locker 7-7-9-B, there's a coil of copper wire. In 4-4-3-A, there's a pair of needle-nosed pliers. I need them, a roll of duct tape, and an extension cord.Fusco: Oh, is that all, Cocoa Puffs?[Root nods and saucily winks at the security camera after Fusco leaves]
- Root has purposely gotten herself arrested and is speaking to Fusco:
Shaw: You sure we're safe here?Root: From everything but the coffee.[Shaw does a small Spit Take back into her cup and hastily puts it down]
- Team Machine has escaped to New Jersey to be outside of Samaritan's feeds and are in a restaurant.
- Shaw once again orders pancakes, and once again does not get to eat them.
- "A House Divided"
Hersh: My car's out front.
- Reese, Shaw and Hersh bickering about driving arrangements.
Shaw: Oh, you think you're driving?
Hersh: Well, you're certainly not driving.
Reese: I'll drive.
Hersh: I'll pass.
Shaw: Alright, here's the plan: I'm gonna drive, Reese sits in the back, while you [Hersh] ride shotgun. Agreed?
Reese & Hersh: Agreed.
- "Deus Ex Machina"
"Well...this should be fun."
- Hersh insisting that he needed to off the wounded Decima agents because they'll take the chance to commit suicide after Reese and Shaw looked at him. (And we start to see where Shaw's "shoot anyone" attitude comes from...)
- There are a few moments of levity amongst the bleakness of "Deus Ex Machina", such as when Shaw asks for a method of transportation. Cue Hersh simply firing in the air and stealing a terrified onlooker's bike uncerimoniously.
- Even funnier when you realize this is a Call Back to how he got himself in jail to get to Reese. So it seems like Hersh's answer for anything is to just shoot into the air.
- Also Greer's reactions during the court.
Finch (after being shot and patched up by Reese): Why would you ever choose a career where this is an occupational hazard?
- This piece of gold from the end of the episode:
Fusco: Last I checked, I was in Homicide. This here looks like a body. What's Narcotics doing here, Detective?Reese: Felix here was an affiliate of a street gang taking over the heroin trade.
- Shaw's cover identity? Retail cosmetics sales. It does not agree with her. And then there's the look on her face when she learns the Machine set her up in this job. Then there are her dating issues with the Tinder-like app she is told to use by Root.
- The attractive woman in Finch's class obviously thinking she can solicit him for a better grade, only to brusquely get up and leave the class when he informs everyone all grades are final.
- Reese and Shaw at the positive thinking lecture.
- Reese and Fusco's Snark-to-Snark Combat:
"You really shouldn't hold the gun like that. Can't aim straight. It'll eject the cartridge right into your... oh, forget it." (WHAM)
- Reese takes issue with improper gun-handling. Again.
Reese: Damn it, Harold, it is still my job to save people.Finch: Don't let your frustration with me affect your judgment.Shaw: He's gonna let his frustration with you affect his judgment.
- Reese and Finch are debating whether or not he should intervene to save the Number:
Shaw: Soy milk? Can't stand the stuff. Go cow or go home!
- The interrogation with a Barista.
- After interrogating and threatening the barista, who looks to be a teenager, Shaw tells him to make himself useful. She throws him a jug of milk and demands a latte.
- A massive Call Back and Brick Joke to the massive jug of milk Reese found in Shaw's apartment back in Season 3.
- After Root spends a few minute giving Finch a rousing pep talk, the sounds of screaming and thumping sounds from the trunk of her car. Root immediately puts on a scarf and declares that she will be a flight attendant "just for today" and that she hopes the Machine is sending her somewhere tropical.
How do you feel about wearing your entrails as a necklace??? HUH? That's what you did to me. YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, NOW I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOURS!
- A client upset because the professional wingman slept with his ex-wife sends the wingman a very angry e-mail, ending with the following:
And I'm giving you a bad Yelp review! Ass.
Finch: Are you feeling a little exposed, having an anti-tank missile in our possession in the middle of Manhattan, or is it just me?Root: Samaritan won't be looking for a college professor with an AT4.
- Fusco and the episode's titular wingman.
- Finch and Root's "scavenger hunt", involving Finch posing as a legendary ex-Blackwater merc.
- Shaw calls Mini aka Dominic "Supersize" after she confronts him inside the ambulance.
- Finch's dog ate his students' homework.
Finch: Whose car was that!?
- Finch claims Sameen Shaw's new undercover position is "teaching her valuable people skills". Cut to her saying rather bluntly, "I don't know" to why the person she's calling ought to vote for the candidate for governor.
- Root's method of having their number turn a corner to keep him out of Samaritan's sight without explicitly revealing herself? Crash a car right in front of him. Then this bit of gold:
Root: Someone who needs a good mechanic.
Shaw: I'm spending my day off doing this? [growl] That sound is my soul dying, Harold.
- Shaw does not like having to pose as a temp in a cube farm to keep an eye on the number.
Finch: Walter Dang appreciates your metaphysical sacrifice.
Shaw: Well, maybe his number came up because he'd rather be dead than penned up like veal.
Finch: Who's a good boy? You are, Bear. Now eat your breakfast!
- The Adorkable Walter Dang.
- Finch has to travel to Hong Kong, which leaves Bear too forlorn to eat his breakfast. How does he ask Shaw to handle it? She puts the dog on the phone and Finch sweet-talks him into eating.
- Walter asks Reese how he does "that thing with [his] voice" referring to how he never raises it.
Reese: (genuinely confused) Do what?
- "Honor Among Thieves"
Root: French Mary Poppins Barbie is the only me that's been any fun. Thought I'm not sure how the parents would feel if they knew how many people I killed.
- Root's continued demonstrations of her Master Actor skills.
- Reese's face after Shaw's "Maybe infidelity is about to spank him on the ass" comment.
- Essentially every single one of Shaw's comments about the guy being attractive falls into this.
- Reese is dressed as Aiden Pearce.
- Root's snarky "jealous girl" remarks to Shaw during her "date" and Shaw subsequently hanging up on Root.
- "The Devil You Know"
Finch: That woman was not DEA.
- Martine pulls a handgun on Shaw. Shaw pulls out a sub machine gun from her makeup station.
- While hiding in a moving van, Root grabs Shaw to pull her out of sight of the movers. Once the doors are closed, Shaw tells Root she can let go. Root ignores her; Shaw eventually has to push her off.
- After Fusco successfully screws over Martine Rousseau with some Jurisdiction Friction by claiming a good relationship with her supervisor and saying maybe she isn't read in on the joint task force, he's worriedly contacted by Finch.
Fusco: Ya Think?!
- He then asks how Finch knew about the woman and realizes Finch still has access to the doll camera Team Machine gave him from Season 1!
- "The Cold War"
"You see, it's vital that we get it exactly right. So perhaps we should try again. Pastrami, extra mustard, spicy and yellow, and enough pepper on it to create digestion issues in even the strongest constitution. No mayonnaise, please. If there's even a trace, it'll render the entire sandwich useless, and we'll have to begin this whole process over again, which I don't think either of us would enjoy."
- Finch ordering a sandwich for Shaw:
Lambert: Don't you find it a tad sacrilegious to hold a man at gunpoint inside of a church?Root: I'm not the religious type.Lambert: And yet you believe in a monotheistic universe. No room for more than one god in your world. Isn't that religion? Or do I misunderstand your Mrs Groves?Root: My name is Root.[click of a hammer being pulled back as Martine slides behind Root]Lambert: Martine is quite the go getter.Root: I'm aware. She's trying to "go-get" and kill my friend.Rousseau: Shaw's making it hard for me. How about you tell me where she is and I kill you together.[sound of bolt being pulled back and Reese pops out of a choir box with a sniper rifle]Reese: I don't think she's going to take you up on that offer.[Lambert gives an amused smirk as he realizes there are three guns pointed in his vicinity]Lambert: Well isn't this the tricky situation.Rousseau: Tricky is one word for it.
- When Finch returns to the underground base with the sandwich, the first thing he sees is Shaw handcuffed to a bench and Root next to her wearing a bear costume. There is a perfectly valid reason for the situation but for the few seconds until he clues in, Finch's facial expression is priceless.
- The hilarious Mexican Standoff in the church. Lambert and Root are sitting in the pews with the latter pointing a gun at his back. Martine pops up pointing a handgun at Root. Then John materializes, aiming a sniper rifle at Martine.
- The conversation however, with Casual Danger Dialogue abounding and Lambert putting on a Wicked Cultured act is comedy gold:
Root: You don't want to carpool?Lambert: I'm afraid only two people are invited to this gala. And I'm not one of them.
- And later as the meeting concludes, Root indulges in some Ship Teasing:
Reese: *holding Samaritan operative at gunpoint* Coolly delivered sadistic warning.Fusco: Self-deprecating inquiry into the time necessary to infiltrate system.Root: Funny yet insightful retort.Finch: Mildly agitated declaration of mission completion.Finch: Gentle exhortation to further action.
- In the third and final simulation, the Machine starts running out of time, so it replaces all dialogue with a rough description of what everyone would say.
Root: Overly affectionate greeting.Shaw: Greeting.Root: Transparent rationale for conversation.Shaw: Annoyed attempt to deflect subtext.Root: Overt come-on.Shaw: Mildly embarrassed defensiveness bordering on hostility.Root: Playfully witty sign-off.
- Root's efforts at flirting with Shaw under these circumstances are hilarious.
Root: Why did you just do that?Fusco: Why not? We're in a simulation.Root: *shrugs*
- Fusco gives Root a Big Damn Kiss. The Machine came up with this.
- Finch's mortification when a rare painting is destroyed. Every time he's there to see it happen. So much so that the Machine makes sure to instruct Root to take it down just before it gets shot in reality.
- "Control Alt Delete"
Fusco: I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?
- Fusco's response to Finch's blatant Expospeak.
Fusco: Another thing: the Red Wings suck.
- After knocking out one of Control's guys:
Finch: You realize he's not from Detroit.
Fusco: Still had to be said.
Finch: No, I can't think of anything that would prejudice me in this case. I mean, except for the larger issues with our government.Prosecutor: "Issues?"Finch: Well, one can't really call it "government of the people, by the people", can one? *Beat* Because we're all being watched by an intelligent supercomputer that's slowly but surely taking over the world.
- Finch's attempt to get out of jury duty.
Finch: The cell records clearly place Chad near the house when it happened.Reese: So? I hear that can be faked. I got a friend who can do it.Finch: Now, that's just cheating.
- The Machine gets him back in by making one of the juror's phone's go off and getting him held in contempt. For some reason it also changes his ringtone to "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.
- While prepping Finch to swing the jury to a guilty verdict, Finch brings up the cell records.
- Finch being mildly horrified when Reese calls him "Harry".
Anna: Why? I thought you were a cop.
- After Reese saves Anna, he wants to get gone before the police show up.
Reese: I am, but this is more paperwork than I want to deal with.
John: [muted surprise] Oh. This is the women's floor.
- John is tailing the latest number to a college dormitory when two college girls returning from the showers pointedly eyeball him. The subsequent camera angle hilariously shows how creepy this middle aged grown ass man with a trenchcoat and a camera phone looks slinking around the dorm rooms, voyeuristically peeking around corners.
Trey: Yeah, the government, it's really diabolical...Do you want some ice cream?
- Trey awkwardly making conversation while Dominic's enforcer Floyd holds him at gunpoint.
Finch: As near as I can tell, college has become an overpriced bacchanalia full of entitled, oversexed binge drinkers.Reese: Well, someone has to pay your salary.
- Finch's scathing assessment of university, and Reese's retort:
Reese: Finch, how do you know so much about marijuana?Finch: Do you want me to call it in or not, Mr. Reese?
- The implication that straight laced Mr Finch has smoked pot and is well versed in acquiring it.
- Though when you remember that Finch does have some serious back problems and in a constant state of pain it does lose some of it.
Fusco: Hey, glasses, tell [the psychiatrist PoI] about all your nut ball friends. Maybe he can give you guys a group therapy discount.Reese: I think by now, you count as one of Harold's nut ball friends, Lionel.
- Lionel Fusco is teasing Harold:
Iris: I have feelings for you, John.Reese: Oh.Iris: Which is inappropriate. Wrong. Completely unethical. I can't have a relationship with an ex patient. It's so wrong. It's like a cop dating a fireman. It's that bad.Reese: 'Kay.
- Iris tells Reese that she has feelings for him. She gets flustered and starts rambling while Reese stands there looking confused and manages monosyllabic resonses.
- "Search And Destroy"
Root: I liked you better as a blonde!
- While beating the living daylights out of Martine and then throttling her Root finds the time to lampshade the new hair color of her Evil Counterpart.
Root: Want to really blow his mind? Tell him there are two of these things.
- This gets even more hilarious when you recall that Root's natural hair color is blonde.
- Root throwing a priceless Fabergé egg against the wall, destroying it.
- The entire scene where Finch, Reese and Root eat Chinese food with Khan in the room is golden. It provides such gems as
Khan: Who are you people?!
Finch: The only ones keeping you alive.
Khan: You almost killed us!
Reese: Just a little fender bender.
Khan: Biotech, you wouldn't understand.
Finch: Try me. I'm a fast learner.
Finch: Is that my computer?
Khan: I know it's bad, but come on, it's not Zoe Morgan bad, right?
- Khan's reaction to everybody's favorite fixer being brought in by his former company to clean up the mess:
- "Terra Incognita"
Finch: (blinks) Congratulations?
- Root shows up in a wedding dress, looking a little bit dazed, explaining that she tried to get close to someone with inside information about the Machine, but it ended badly.
Root: Don't go buying me that blender just yet, Harry.
- In an otherwise depressing sequence, Hallucination!Carter cracking up laughing at the thought of Reese as a cop.
Root: You admitted me to the funny farm once. Turnabout's fair play.Harold: I don't recall dressing you like a homeless dope fiend.Root: It's not that bad. You look more hipster than homeless.
- Harold manages to get himself into the titular building by acting like a paranoid schizophrenic, by which he basically tells them everything about his life.
- The conversation with Root beforehand.
- Later, when he gives Root a potential lead on Shaw's location: a "compact Persian sociopath" being kept in a certain room.
- Harold manages to get himself into the titular building by acting like a paranoid schizophrenic, by which he basically tells them everything about his life.
Store Owner: Whoa! We're cool, we're cool.Root: Appreciate your understanding.
- The owner comes out of the store, yelling that Root shorted him five dollars. Then he sees that she's holding an sub-machine gun.
Sharp right leg. Left knee, ACL. Tactical blade. Glass jaw.
- The Machine faxing Reese's "God mode" combat advice to the bank, correctly predicting that he'll get the message because Dominic and Floyd will read the document out loud.
Harold: Are you out of your mind?Root: Since when is that relevant?
- When Harold realizes that Root wants to steal a police car
Machine: 6 O'Clock.Reese: (Cue Offhand Backhand to the guy with the butt of his gun)
- This scene where Reese is fighting off waves of Decima Mooks with God Mode.
Bear's Twitter has had several amusing moments because he livetweets his thoughts during the episodes. (All his tweets are in Dutch, but please post English translations if possible.)
- His explanation for his behavior with Fusco during "Bad Code."
Corrupt police officer can not control me.
- From "Masquerade":
Glasses man will not throw ball. Is he confused? This game is rather simple.
- From "Bury the Lede":
About his squeaky toy: Observation: I hunt and kill this hairy creature many times, but it still makes noise. Strange ...While Reese is cooking breakfast: ... pancake? PANCAKE? PANCAKE!
- After Finch reprimanded him for licking the doughnut in "High Road":
Limits do not apply to cakes, bespectacled man. Everyone knows this.
- From "Critical", in which he was left at the library with Leon:
Yeah, I'm on a "special diet." A special diet ... of all I want.Hot Pockets not tempt me, foolish man! Please. I am a professional.
- After he takes down an Armenian mook at the end of "C.O.D.":
Do not make me angry. You will not like it when I'm angry.I take a bite out of crime.
- During his bath in "Shadow Box"
Your harsh interrogation tactics will not work! Although I'm cold, wet, naked and humiliated, you will get no information from me! Never!
- Bear wasn't in "2-Pi-R" and many fans were wondering where he was and who was taking care of him; Finch apparently left him alone at the library, and he proceeded to keep a Twitter log, which quickly turned to talking about how hungry he was growing:
Bear Log, Item 5: I remember the human trick: call is made and food appears. Must find phone.Bear Log, Item 6: No phone book in whole house! Must. Eat. Something. Asimov was nice last time ... what else bespectacled man have?Bear Log, Item 7: Party tonight. Three-course meal courtesy of a Paul Auster. Bespectacled man has good taste.
- He was missing Reese so much during "Prisoner's Dilemma" that he resorted to writing poetry. The haiku poems translate a little weird, but it's still hilarious to read.
- His reaction to Reese's return at the end of "Dead Reckoning":
, iouhrbfew; vaslksadklfdjgaehruf; leinq; owiaerhbaer!!!!!!!!!!! THE TALL MAN!!!!!!
- His greeting to the dog he has a playdate with at the end of "One Percent":
Hello energetic dog, my new friend! Do you speak Dutch?
- When he wakes Shaw at the end of "Relevance":
If beautiful lady will not wake, there's only one solution: the kiss. Works every time.
- From "Proteus":
Truth is stranger than fiction. My many experiences would be great material. Maybe I should write a screenplay.Recommendations for books on screenwriting? Refuse reading something so ridiculously titled as "SAVE THE CAT.""BULLETS IN BRUSSELS" Screenplay by Bear the Dog. FADE IN: EXT. PARK NIGHT A body floats in an elegant fountain ...
- From "Trojan Horse":
Beautiful lady with a tasty face has come back to visit me! (They do not stay away for long.)
- From "Zero Day":
Wanted: massage therapist specializing in tall men, bespectacled men and canines. Very tense around here.Alone. Reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Exciting. And salty. Nobodys night is more exciting than this.
- Reese left him with Leon ("Foolish Man") during "God Mode":
Tall Man has assigned me to the security detail for Foolish Man. Stand by for transmission.Business meeting with Foolish Man. Hushed tones. Something about “investment opportunity,” and “prime island real estate.”Having lunch with Foolish Man. I suggested string hot water but he demanded #gray papaya. Must admit, quite fond of the onions.Surprise meeting with associates of Foolish Man. They had guns. “Meeting by appointment only,” I said. With my teeth.Foolish man home safely. Tall Man has rendezvousd for my extraction. Conclude security detail transmission. See you later.
- From "Liberty":
Finally alone. Time to tear through another first edition. #deliciousI sense steak being eaten. I'm not the one eating it. #disappointed
- From "Nothing to Hide":
Suddenly nervous about dark past. To do list: look up "Butcher" on LifeTrace. Eliminate all traces.Bespectacled Man. Wake up. I had an epic battle. Much furniture was lost.You take your eye off the crazy information broker to eat a cookie, and BAM. Should never have let him inside.
- From "Reasonable Doubt":
To the victor go the expensive chew toys.The instant gratification of chew toys is over. Can I go back undercover, Tall Man?
- At the end of "Razgovor", while Finch is questioning Shaw about the bug she planted in his office:
I know where the listening device is, Bespectacled Man. But I need more cookies before I will tell you.
- "Last Call", following up on the throwaway joke in the episode proper about a man carjacked by squirrels:
Initial investigation does not indicate a carjacking ring, but I've uncovered a huge nut hoarding scheme.Went undercover; here is a visual estimate of the results.In the library, waiting for Tall Man and Bespectacled Man. I need their skills to attach my findings to the glass board.Being a detective may not require opposable thumbs.
- "A House Divided", while hanging out with Root's hacker squadron:
Smiling computer guy teaches me new tricks. He says "tooboe"* and I make a noise and he gives me a treat....The other computer guys hate it.
- "Panopticon", finally getting to see Reese again.
TALL MAN. TALL MAN. LOOK AT ME. I MISS YOU. DO YOU HAVE A BALL? HI. TALL MAN. I LOVE YOU.
- His justification for eating Harold's students' papers in "Brotherhood":
The blood, sweat and tears of students who waited until the last minute to do their homework fuels me, bespectacled man.
- Later in the episode, after Shaw mentions that she bugged Finch (again):
I know where the bugs are, Bespectacled Man. But I will not tell. No matter how much you inflict belly rubs on me.
- Later in the episode, after Shaw mentions that she bugged Finch (again):
- "Honor Among Thieves", after Shaw ditches Romeo and his squad:
Romeo, Romeo. Where art thou Romeo? Oh yeah, on the way to the hospital because Hammer Lady kicked your ass.
- "If-Then-Else": During the simplified simulation:
Very obscure quote. #Auteur
- In "Guilty," when the judge informs Finch that his "number's up" to fill a vacant spot on the jury:
BESPECTACLED MAN?! Oh... his number for the jury. Phrasing, judge!
- Throughout "Karma", he insists that Hector is the true culprit.
Winner winner, expensive shoe dinner.
'Ruh roh' is dog for 'uh oh'.
I wish Tall Man would lock me in a meat freezer once in a while.
- "Asylum," when Shaw calls her old phone:
Beautiful hammer lady... in the phone? Bespectacled man... what have you done?!
Beautiful hammer lady is not made small and is not trapped in a phone?? Naturally. I knew that....
- A comment from Amy Acker during "Asylum", shortly after Root kills Martine via Neck Snap:
Next week's cover identity- Root is a chiropractor. Who wants an appointment?