Funny: Person of Interest

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    Season 1 
  • From the pilot:
    • Reese walks in on a gun buy and asks those involved if they've taken a firearms safety course.
    • Then he demonstrates it to them. And takes the guns they were looking at, to keep them out of the hands of people so clearly inexperienced in safe handling.
  • "Ghosts":
    • In The Teaser Reese foils an murder of a rich businessman who's cheating on his wife.
      Reese: You should call the police. And a good divorce lawyer.
    • Finch explains to Reese what would happen if his cover identity is blown:
      "The entire department would be overhauled. Some employees would be transferred, some would be promoted. [looks at the Jerkass supervisor] Some would be fired."
    • Reese walks into a place looking for information on the hitman who killed the PoI's family. He's quickly thrown out and threatened not to come back. He gets up and casts a look at Fusco, then walks right back in.
  • "Witness":
    • Reese wonders if one of the POI's students intends to harm him.
    Reese: "You know teaching can be a dangerous profession."
    Finch: "Yes, I imagine espionage was a much safer choice, Mr. Reese."
    [Reese smirks]
  • "Super":
    • Reese and Finch hack into the all the wireless networks in an apartment building so they can spy on the residents, one of whom is a young female doing yoga in full view of her webcam. In her underwear. She's... "healthy." Cue hilarious synchronized headtilt.
    • Three words: "Use the cushion!"
    • Reese teaching Finch "basic self-defense." He suggests two different tactics (both of which involve attacking a man's eyes), prompting absolute horror from Finch.
      • At the start of the episode's climax, Finch actually uses one of the moves, hitting a man in the eye with his thumb. He stares at his thumb for a second and then wipes it off, disgusted.
  • "Legacy":
    • Reese gets close to the lawyer he's investigating under the guise of suing his employer for work related injuries; she asks what his boss is like, and he proceeds to describe Finch (who he knows is listening in on the conversation) in unflattering terms.
    Reese: "[He's] very manipulative. Secretive. We've had some personality conflicts."
    Andrea: "I take it he has a lot of money?"
    Reese: "He's one of those rich loner types. The kind you'd call strange if he didn't have so much cash, so instead he's.... eccentric."
    [Finch smirks]
  • "Root Cause":
    • A student at the public library spending time with a girl mistakes Finch and Zoe for a couple.
    "Nice work, dude!"
    • He also gives Finch a thumbs up when he sees him again later (with a different girl!).
  • "Wolf and Cub":
    • Fusco gets shot in the butt. Poor guy, it's actually pretty funny.
    • Reese dumps a naked murder suspect in the back of a NYPD cruiser and leaves a few empty beer bottles for good measure. The officers couldn't believe what they saw the next morning, assuming he slept there the whole night.
    • This exchange when Reese appears in the backseat of Carter's police cruiser.
    Carter: You know, I always pictured you in the back of my car. In handcuffs.
    Reese: Well, to each his own.
  • "Risk":
    • When Finch is fitting Reese with a new suit in preparation for getting close to their latest number:
    Finch: Banking is mostly looking clever and wearing the right clothes. And we've managed the second part.
    • At the end of the episode, after the POI helps destroy the illegal short sale his colleagues were trying to do, he refers to the whole affair as their "little game of 'Hide the Short'".
  • "Baby Blue":
    • Reese and Finch play daddy to a six month old.
    • The part where Finch chides Reese about safe storage of his arsenal after they find the baby teething on a tear gas grenade is especially amusing. They sound exactly like a couple bickering over the proper way to raise their child.
    • The Funny Background Event of Baby Leila in a makeshift playpen made of books was amazing.
    • And the composite sketch of Finch was hilarious.
    Finch: It's no wonder they never catch anybody with these things.
    • Carter is exasperated when Finch, who is stocking up on baby supplies at the time, tells her that he kidnapped the baby:
    Finch: A baby went missing from a clinic in Washington Heights last night.
    Carter: Missing? It was stolen. By some weird-looking... [realizes] No. You didn't.
    Finch: She was in imminent danger of kidnapping.
    Carter: So you kidnapped her!?
    • The exasperation level gets taken Up to Eleven when he tells her that he left the baby in Reese's care. He is utterly matter-of-fact about the whole thing until the store cashier mistakes the two of them for new parents:
    Cashier: "Congratulations! Is it your first?"
    [Finch has a frozen stare while Carter has this "You're kidding me, right?" look on her face]
    • While trying to find out about Leila's parents, Finch pulls up a picture of a couple and their twenty-something son.
    Reese: [Points at father] "Da-da?" [Points at son] "Or da-da?"
    • Finch getting distracted by the baby.
    Finch: How about a delicious bottle?
    Reese: Finch, are you there?
  • "Identity Crisis":
    • Harold is obviously smitten with the female POI.
    Finch: We have to keep a closer eye on Jordan.
    Reese: "Jordan?" You're on a first name basis now?
    Finch: No, I'm just...tired of using pronouns.
    Finch: [to Fusco] Want to hack the Pentagon?
  • "No Good Deed":
    • Henry Peck spends several minutes ranting about how he's discovered that the government is spying on the entire country, but we get don't see who he's talking to until the end: it's Fusco, glancing disinterestedly around the room before asking Peck if he wants a soda.
  • "Firewall":
    • Carter, Fusco and Reese are chasing a car full of HR officers, Reese tells Carter to slow down....and blows up the HR officers car with a bomb. He then nonchalantly suggests they buy a drink sometime while Carter and Fusco stare dumbstruck at the flaming vehicle.
    • In fact, any time Reese does something outrageously illegal in front of these two.
  • The Season 1 gag reel:
    • A scene in "Get Carter" where Reese gets in a car and backs it out of a shop. Jim puts it in the wrong gear and drives forward instead.
    • Interrogating the German intelligence agent in "Foe":
    Fusco: We know you're German intel. We know a lot.
    German Agent: If that's all you know, polizei, then you don't know very much.
    Fusco: Yeah, tell me about your geriatric homicidal [Sound Effect Bleep] mamalook!
    [the agent, Kevin Chapman, and Taraji P. Henson all corpse
    • Reese introducing himself to Charlie Burton in "Witness". What makes this one even more hilarious is that Jim never breaks out of Reese's subdued voice while saying it. Enrico Colantoni struggles to not crack up himself at the end:
    Reese: My name is John. [holds out his hand]
    Burton: [shakes Reese's hand] Thank you for saving my ass, John.
    Reese: It's no problem. You got a nice ass; I've been checking it out.
    • Jim smoothing over the German agent's hair during filming of a fight scene in "Foe".

    Season 2 
  • "The Contingency":
    • Reese quieting Angry Guard Dog Bear by speaking Dutch. (Video here.)
    • Leon Tao managed to escape from a police station, still handcuffed. He subsequently encounters a clerk who glances at them.
    Leon: It's a sex thing. You got a problem with that?
  • "Bad Code":
    • After the fight, Reese steals their laptop and weapons and they timidly approach him later to ask for them back. Cue Reese, not even pausing his phone conversation or turning his head, aiming a crossbow right at their face. Needless to say, they leave him alone after that.
    • Hersh is told over the phone not to arouse NYPD's suspicion. He looks at Fusco trying and failing to train Bear (he accidentally tells him to jump on his desk).
    Hersh: "That won't be a problem. Not exactly New York's finest working on this one."
    • When Reese and Carter are in Texas, they leave Fusco to look after Bear. When the two of them go on a stakeout, Fusco is sitting in the passenger seat of the car and talking to Bear, in the driver's seat. This is rather amusing from a meta point of view because Fusco is normally the Plucky Comic Relief for either Reese or Carter, so the implication here is that with them out of town, he's Bear's Plucky Comic Relief.
  • "Masquerade":
    • This conversation between Carter and Reese.
    Reese: Why don't you wait in the car?
    Carter: [unimpressed] Why don't you wait in the car?
    Reese: Give me three and a half minutes.
    Carter: Oh, please. There are at least ten guys in there.
    Reese: ...Okay, four minutes.
    • Later, after Carter shoots a member of the gang and saves Reese:
    Carter: I got bored sitting in the car. And it took you longer than four minutes.
    Reese: Well, this guy hit me over the head with a neon sign. Not very sportsmanlike, and none of them want to tell me where to find their pal Monty.
    Carter: Yeah, that's why you should ask them before you knock them out, John.
    • When Reese accompanies Sofia to the club:
    Finch: What's Sofia doing?
    Reese: Her seventh vodka shot.
    Finch: Do you plan to intervene?
    Reese: I'm here to protect, not discipline. [Behind him, Sofia gets up on the bar.] Besides, it not like she's dancing on the— [Turns around to see Sofia dancing on the bar]
  • "Bury the Lede":
    • Finch makes the grave mistake of giving Bear a squeaky toy that annoys him to no end. How does he fix this? Remove the squeaker.
    • Reese has to get close to their latest number, but since she's a reporter who is also investigating "the man in the suit", his normal methods are out of the question. Cue priceless dawning horror when he realizes Finch has created a false profile (complete with cute pictures of Bear!) for him on an online dating site. Finch is having way too much fun here.
    Reese: Wait... You're trying to get me a date with her?
    Finch: Already have. Tonight at eight. You've been flirting all day.
    Reese: [sees Maxine checking her texts and smiling] Finch? What did I just say to her?
    • At one point, Reese has no other choice but to bring their number back to his apartment. Finch is leaning back in his chair, resigned to the situation, before suddenly jumping up and exclaiming, "Oh shoot, I've got your dog!"
    • When he gets there, he hides in the closet, popping out a moment later to toss Bear his chew toy before darting back in...only to realize that all three walls are completely covered in weapons and ammunition. His expression of bug-eyed horror is what really sells it. Gifs of the moment can be found here, here, and here.
    Finch: When were you ever going to need all those?!
    • Finch's attempts to advise Reese during the date ends with a lecture on social psychology, at which point Reese turns his earpiece off.
    • When Reese is cleaning a very large military sniper gun in the library:
    Finch: I wish you wouldn't do that here.
    Reese: When I do it in the park people look at me funny.
    • The best part is, Reese's delivery is so deadpan it isn't clear if he's snarking or he's actually done so.
  • "The High Road":
    • At the beginning of the episode, Bear licks one of the doughnuts on Finch's desk; Finch reprimands him, and then gets distracted when Reese arrives and doesn't throw it away. Any guesses as to which doughnut Reese chooses?
    Reese: Little stingy on the sprinkles.
    • It's made even more hilarious when Finch realizes which doughnut he chose, is about to say something, but thinks better of it. Reese's disgusted expression when he bites into the doughnut is a thing of beauty.
    • Later, Reese lampshades the show's premise:
    Finch: Hard to see how [the POI] had the money to move east, much less support a city lifestyle.
    Reese: Maybe he met a reclusive billionaire?
    Zoe: [looking around the idyllic suburban neighborhood] You remember when you saved me from being tortured and killed by corporate hitmen? Consider us even.
    John: Does that mean you don't want me to carry you over the threshold?

    Zoe: When this is over, I might have to fight you for custody of the dog.

    Zoe: [after John draws his gun when the doorbell rings] John, it's a doorbell. Let's try not to shoot any Girl Scouts on our first day, okay?

    Zoe: What do we do now [that they have eyes on their number]?
    Reese: ...We wait.
    Zoe: Ah, the party never stops when you're around. What do these people do for fun?
    Reese: Beats me. Got any ideas?
    [Gilligan Cut to Reese and Zoe playing poker and drinking scotch with loud music on the background]
    Zoe: Suburbs might not be so bad after all.

    Zoe, at the end of the episode: "Is this the part where we get divorced?"
    • John proposing to Zoe was hilarious. She did not see that coming.
  • The first few minutes of "Critical". Finch gets a repeat number, and Reese wonders who's dumb enough to get in a life-threatening situation a second time. Cue Leon from "The Contingency" being tossed out a window. Having no time to deal with his problem, Reese brings him back to the library and orders Bear to keep watch over him. After Leon moans that there's nothing to do, Finch tells him to entertain himself with a book on penal law.
  • "Til Death":
    • Reese congratulates Finch on his being more willing to break into houses and bug them.
    • While in the context it is heartwarming, outside of context it is pretty funny to hear a couple saying "I'm so sorry I tried to kill you, honey!" in tears in such a nonchalant way.
    • What's funnier is with Fusco trying to hide from his date that a couple of publisher owners were kidnapped and that Fusco was a bit surprised that they weren't killing each other anymore after the attempted assassination at their New York residence.
    • The kidnappings were hilarious, including such gems as Fusco and Carter looking around nervously as Reese picks up the Drakes and stuffs them in his trunk.
    Reese: (to Fusco) Thanks for your help.
    Fusco: Yeah, no problem, I always wanted to be an accessory to kidnapping.
    Carter: Multiple kidnappings.
    • Reese and Finch seriously consider just letting the couple kill each other. The only reason they don't is because they don't have any other numbers yet, so they don't have anything better to do.
  • Finch Comically Missing the Point when Carter resignedly asks if he went through legal channels to obtain evidence in "C.O.D."
    Carter: His GPS logs? Which I'm sure you obtained by submitting an official request to the TLC.
    Finch: (sincerely) Not quite. But if it would make you feel better I could hack into their network and make it look like I did. It would only take me a few minutes.
    Carter: Nevermind!
  • "Shadow Box":
    • Finch's reaction to his first ride on the back of a speeding motorcycle is this; he thought it was exhilarating and wants to buy one for himself! Reese's facial expression when Finch tells him is hilarious!
    • Reese ribbing Carter about her potential love interest Beecher and that he might get a visit from him if he treats her wrong.
      Carter: Wait wait—so you guys are always listening?
      Reese: Pretty much.
      Carter: [stares in mute horror at the civil rights violation]
      Reese: Don't worry. If things get heavy between you and Beecher, we'll tune out.
  • "Prisoner's Dilemma":
    • This gem at the very start, when Fusco complains to Finch about not being given anything to do. He then suggests:
    Fusco: We gonna bust John out of [Rikers] or not?
    Finch: Oh, it sounds like such a bad idea when you say it.
    • Northern Light's chief hitman Hersh is tasked by the special counsel to access Rykers Island Penetentiary to find and kill Reese. How does he get in? Straight after he's finished talking to his boss, with an utterly stoic face, Hersh draws his sidearm and empties it in the air in front of dozens of civilians and police officers. The utterly straight face he keeps while doing so and getting arrested sells it.
    • Who didn't laugh their head off at the sight of Finch fully suited up and wielding a grenade launcher with idea of pretty much storming the prison to break Reese out?
    • How does Bear deal with Reese's absence? By sleeping on one of his suits! The visual is hilarious, with a high concentration of d'aww.
    • Also, Finch recruiting Fusco to do John's work. Hilarity Ensues. The show repeatedly Gilligan Cuts to his numerous misfortunes at random, which include getting pepper sprayed in the eyes while trying to explain his job, an epic shootout, and the gem of the crown: The freaking lingerie model falling in love with our short, stubby lovable heroic policeman. She kisses him. Cue Fusco completely freezing in absolute shock.
  • "Dead Reckoning":
    Stanton: So why the Cruise missile?
    Snow: Had to be sure.
    Stanton: [smirks at the man she has strapped to a bomb vest] And how's that working out for you?
    • It was funny that Reese and Mark were forced to work together despite the fact that they hated each other becuase of Ordos.
  • In "Relevance", Reese meets Shaw. He introduces himself and tries to convince her he can help her. She shoots him in the chest in their first meeting. Cue the second one:
    Reese: Can you do me a favor? Can you not shoot me this time?
    Shaw: Give me a good reason.
    Reese: I don't know, I'm a really nice person. And well, that. (points towards the poison syringe stuck in her back)
    • When Shaw staggers out of the building the ISA has tried to ambush her in, guess who she runs into? Wilson, her boss who's coordinating the killing of her and Cole. He walks around a corner, doing a sit rep with the tactical teams....The Oh Crap! look he makes when he sees an incredibly pissed off Shaw who's day has gone from bad to worse and is running on rage and adrenaline is priceless. Both then recover fast enough to draw their sidearms and engage in a quick gunfight.
    • A small moment, but in the confrontation at the gala Shaw calls Wilson an idiot in front of his boss for trying to kill her and her partner as a first resort and then screwing that up spectacularly. Wilson just looks away sheepishly. "
    • Tao moaning about the trouble he had getting Shaw to the graveyard is hilarious.
    • When Shaw leaves after taking Reese and Finch's phones, Finch is left wondering how they'll get home from the graveyard:
    Finch: Do you think she'll call us a taxi?
  • In "Proteus" a red herring in the search for a serial killer leads to a smuggler instead. After dealing with it in his own inimitable fashion, Reese begins dragging the now unconscious smuggler away, griping all the way.
    Reese: Unbelievable. We're hunting a killer. Instead we get amateur drug night in the sticks.
    • "Don't say anything; just bleed if I'm right."
    • The opening scene with Reese and Finch and Bear coming out of the cinema. So that Bear wasn't "excluded" from the movie Finch pretended his Big Friendly Dog was an assistance dog. Reese comments this is 'unethical'. They apparently got away with it.
  • The opening of "All In" has Leon in danger yet again, this time for scamming a group of Nigerian scammers. When he figures out they're going to kill him the background music stops playing and he just calmly explains to them that they should leave before it's too late. Cue Reese and Bear entering and defeating the two in seconds.
    Reese: We really should stop meeting like this.
    • Also this...
    Leon: Are you the Nigerian scammers? *Beat* I can't believe you're actually Nigerian.
    • And this.
    Leon: It's not technically a crime to scam a scammer.
    Nigerian: But it is a crime to cut out a man's intestines and make him wear them as a hat.
    Leon: Wait... you're actually going to kill me?
    Nigerian: ... probably.
  • In "Trojan Horse" Shaw shows up at the library. And the highly trained attack dog... welcomes her, and then goes back to his bed.
    Finch: Traitor!
    Finch: I think it's safe to say you're the first person ever to call me that.
    • Reese insisting that Finch has a 'crush' on the Number, Monica. And then when the two end up working together to break into the networks of Monica's own company:
    Reese: If you two would rather be left alone...
  • In "In Extremis", the entire scene in the car with Dr. Nelson and the stock trader.
    Nelson: Have I mentioned that my eyesight is failing? *aims gun*
    • And the big grin on Reese's face as he's watching all this.
  • "Zero Day":
    • "I've lost people before. So when I care about someone, I plant a tracking device on them."
  • "God Mode":
    • The Machine, after rebooting, sends Reese and Shaw on various live-saving errands before they can rescue Finch. One of which is an angry man pointing a gun at his ex and her new husband at their wedding. They drive up, Reese shoots him in the arm, and then congratulates the couple before driving off.
    • Also, Reese and Shaw requesting transport, with Shaw grumbling that it had better not be a station wagon this time. Cue them opening a garage to find a sexy, Ferrari 458 and Shaw tossing Reese her shotgun. Doubles as a Visual Pun.
    Reese: What's this for?
    Shaw: To help you feel less inadequate while I drive this thing.
    • Later on, Reese and Shaw are told to 'turn right in 300 yards'... while on an elevated highway. This means going off the side and clambering out in front of a bunch of aerial paramedics who can't believe what they're seeing.
    The Machine: Two hundred yards right.
    Reese: Two hundred yards, turn right.
    Shaw: What right, John?
    John: You gotta trust, Shaw.
    • A subtle one, but when Lawrence Szilard mentions that Alicia Corwin was killed last year, Root remarks, "Such a tragedy," and Finch gives her the side-eye.
    • At the Hanford Site: People in containment suits, handling nuclear waste. And Finch and Root casually strolling past them, as if they're not there.
    • After all the build-up, there is something quite amusing about seeing Root and Finch enter a massive room behind a secure door complete with warning signs...only to find it empty save one guy with a laptop.
  • The Season 2 gag reel:
    • Taraji P. Henson goes berserk in response to a bug flying in her face.
    • Reese and Stanton in a "Prisoner's Dilemma" flashback:
    Reese: [holding a glass bottle] It's my first triple homicide. [puts the bottle on a table and pushes it out of sight of the camera] Didn't know I was supposed to prepare jokes— [sound of glass shattering; Jim cringes]
    • Jim and Taraji outside at night:
    Taraji: Jesus, can you make the wind stop blowing? [they laugh] Turn the heat up a bit?
    • Jim and Michael during the graveyard scene in "Relevance":
    Michael: [sniffles] I can't feel my face.
    • Jim is standing on the street, and a FedEx van stops in front of the camera. His response:
    "Oh my gosh, I'm doing my best acting right now!"
    • Kevin Chapman walking through the 8th while on his phone:
    "Never question the powers of the Fusco."
    • In the library, Michael throws a tennis ball for Graubaer's Boker to fetch. Boker knocks it into the air with his front paws like a volleyball and it hits the camera.

     Season 3 
  • "Liberty":
    • Fusco being used as Shaw's human shield/bipod. After she takes out the gunmen who were trying to ambush the POI, he recovers from the shock, draws his own gun half a minute afterwards and haplessly surveys the carnage Shaw has brought down on the gunmen
    • Fusco is also dressed in a top hat, tails and the world's most hilarious false beard.
    • Finch's description of Fleet week.
    "The annual deluge of drunken sailors that somehow does not qualify as a military attack."
    • Reese and Shaw are patching up the POI who has been shot. He suddenly wakes up, grabs Reese's wrist in a vice like grip....and finds Shaw sticking her handgun into the side of his head.
    • After the diamond exchange has gone thoroughly wrong, Reese and Shaw are gone, and the Russian mobsters and devil dogs are all in injured heaps on the floor. Scarface casually walks in, stepping over the groaning bodies, takes the diamonds and the cash, and walks out whistling along to the background music.
    • Shaw is so proud of shooting a mook in the arm through the wall, fulfilling Team Machine's Thou Shalt Not Kill criteria. Then the wounded man stumbles out of the window to his death.
    Shaw: Oops!
  • "Nothing to Hide":
    Reese: [The POI]'s in Shaw's hands now.
    Finch: I hope sending her in there was a good decision.
    Reese: You doubt her ability to be discreet?
    Finch: I doubt her ability to keep from shooting someone.

    Wayne Kruger: You know, sometimes, I wish I had an assistant whose qualifications extended beyond having a great ass.
    Shaw: I sure hope this guy's a perpetrator.
    • Shaw's insistence that she can't shoot someone without eating something.
    • YMMV but in a black comedy sense, due to the POI's status as an Asshole Victim: the scenes at Kruger's office qualify like a darker version of a Monty Python sketch. In a few short minutes, his secretary finds out he only hired her for her looks, the board of directors finds out about his shady past and immediately forces him out of the company and the icing on the cake is when he gets into an elevator which immediately goes into free fall.

  • "Lady Killer":
    • Finch being Adorkable when telling Carter what she will need to wear to the safehouse.
    Finch: It will require evening attire...That is to say, something elegant...but also...less than conservative...
    • Shaw quickly profiling the POI as a sociopath, and then quickly saying "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
    • Shaw looking rather uncomfortable in ladies' evening wear, and then bonding with Carter over lethal and nonlethal weaponry. The grin on Shaw's face totally sells it. Then Zoe makes Carter jump by demonstrating a Taser she got from John, leading to this cap-off:
    Finch: And, now that everyone is sufficiently ''well-armed''...
    • The Running Gag in the series continues in the profile Finch created for Shaw:
    "I'm game for whatever... as long as I get to drive."

    Shaw: Really? A yoga instructor?
    Reese: You'd prefer trained killer?
    [Shaw looks at him as if to say "Yeah!"]
    • And then more when they discuss getting the POI's attention:
    Reese: You'll have to use your charm Shaw, not your sidearm.
    Finch: I hope that's not going to be a problem.
    Shaw: What's that supposed to mean? I don't look good? Cause I think I look good.
    Reese: You look fine Shaw. You just look angry, all the time.
    Carter: We'll work on it in the car.

    Fusco: This place is a ripoff. Club soda cost me $5. Nice view though.

    Shaw: I clocked you and Zoe right off the bat, but I never thought you and Carter...
    Reese: We're just friends.

    Shaw: ...relationships are for amateurs. Guys these days have so many emotions, they cry, they wanna be held—I just don't know what to do with them.

    • Root's interactions with her therapist. She slowly begins to creep him out and on the day of her escape, he's reduced to cowering behind cover as she exchanges gunfire with Hersh. After making sure Hersh is incapacitated, she then politely thanks the therapist and leaves, leaving him alone in a shot-up corridor full of unconscious bodies.
      • When Root is stopped from executing Hersh by the machine, she's rather annoyed.
      Root: Really? Even this guy? [The Machine beeps an affirmative] I guess you're the boss.
      • Finch rushes in moments later, to find Hersh groaning on the floor, the poor therapist in shock, and everything else mentioned above. He's stunned.
    • Finch does not understand modern slang:
    Shaw: Our guy just went from blue blood to hipster faster than you can say "ironic facial hair".
    Finch: I don't understand anything you just said.
  • "Reasonable Doubt":
    • Shaw goes undercover to a book club meeting of "pseudo-intellectual glorified trophy wives" discussing Lolita
    Nicole: (flustered) Uh—
    Shaw: Sorry. Not Jeremy. "Hotstuff."
    Nicole: I didn't— I—
    (Shaw gets her gun out from her purse and chambers a round; everybody but her gasps.)
    Shaw: Up to me, I'd shoot your sorry ass. Unfortunately, it's not, so I have to protect you, because your best friend might be on her way here to kill you. Now... what's this book about?
    • In the Greenwich, CT bank, the superannuated banking officer is clearly not at home with computers. After watching him tap out all his commands by hunt and peck and then screwing up his password, Fusco and Shaw are both more than ready to get on the road as soon as possible.
    Old man: Oh, that's not good. The little wheel's spinning. I'll just, uh, restart.
    *Shaw's expression turns murderous as she reaches for a letter opener on the man's desk*
    *Fusco hastily intervenes*
    Fusco: Even for you, stabbing a senior would be a new low.
    Shaw: You don't know that.
    • From the beginning of the episode, when Finch and Reese foil an attempted theft at the veterinarian's, with Bear's help:
    Dr. Jensen: I don't know how to thank you.
    Finch: One of those expensive chew toys you have for sale at reception would help.
  • "Razgovor":
    • When Shaw and Reese are tailing Gen, Gen spots Shaw in a reflective window while Shaw is across the street.
      Reese: Finch, you're gonna love this. Shaw just got made by a ten year old!
      Shaw: What kind of a weird-ass kid uses countersurveillance tactics!?
    • Finch suggests that he and Reese keep Shaw at arms length from Gen, while they're on a private line that he thinks Shaw can't hear. Suddenly:
    Shaw: Fine with me, I hate kids.
    Finch: [Oh Crap! face] Ms. Shaw?
    Shaw: [Smiling] What, Finch? You think I didn't bug your office?
    [Finch looks around his office warily]
    • And then at the end of the episode:
    Finch: Now, about that bug in my library...
    Shaw: Haven't found it yet, have you?
    • Gen poking Shaw.
    Gen: "I thought you might be a robot..."
    • Finch goes through the various tapes Gen made of everyone in her building. Inevitably, one turns out to be full of passionate grunting and moaning, which flusters poor Finch and makes him eject the tape quickly. He flips it over to find Gen labelled it "GROSS!"
    Finch: (to himself) Read the labels, Harold.
    • Shaw's hilarious attempt to hug Gen.
    • Shaw asking Finch if he knows anything about chemistry. He simply says "Enough" with a Evil Grin growing across his face. Next scene the drug factory Shaw's in explodes.
  • "Mors Praematura":
    • Finch getting worried about Shaw:
    Finch: "Miss Shaw may be violent and uncommunicative, but she is never tardy."
    Root: Sorry about that.
    Shaw: Which part, the tasing, the drugging or whatever this is?
    Root: I had to make sure you'd hear me out. She needs our help and...I figured you wouldn't come willingly.
    • Root and Shaw break into a CIA "Pick-up site". Root begins to eat an apple and tells Shaw there's a CIA agent behind her. They get into a fight with Root watching and eating her apple all the while Shaw is beating up the agent until she decides to simply use her taser and end the fight quickly.
    • Reese is searching Shaw's apartment. Looking in the fridge, he finds batteries, grenades, small arms, and a jug of milk. He tells Finch that there's nothing out of the ordinary in there.
  • "The Perfect Mark":
    • Reese teasing Finch at the hypnotist's:
    Reese: For 200 bucks an hour, Finch, I hope you get more than an expensive nap.
    • Finch cautioning Root:
    Finch: As before, Ms. Groves, Mr. Reese is upstairs with an unhealthy number of firearms. Please don't try to run.
    • Carter lampshading how little context Reese ever gives her.
    Carter: I'm following an HR lead. They want to whack a Swedish antique dealer for screwing up their money laundering.
    Reese: That's funny. I'm on a conman therapist who happens to have a Swedish antiques dealer as a patient.
    Carter: (Aside Glance) ...I'll pretend that makes sense.
    • Reese and Carter's out-of-nowhere fist bump.
  • "Endgame":
    • A good portion of the Hilarious comes from all in one scene.
      • The scene earlier where Reese and Finch are convinced that a woman who used a grenade launcher wearing a gas mask is behind the drug theft, Harold goes "Who does this reminds you of?" and in walks Shaw to both men eyeing her like she stole the Hope Diamond. "Okay, you're acting weird..."
    Reese: Wait, that's my grenade launcher?
    • Shaw, once again, fangirling over Carter's antics.
    • Finch deducing from Shaw's fangirling that it's Detective Carter in the video. His panic and shock plus his casual knock of Shaw's people skills all at once just make this scene even better.
    Finch: [absolute shock] Oh my God, that's Detective Carter, isn't it? [absolute deadpan] Your social circle isn't terribly wide.
  • "The Crossing":
    • Fusco threatening Shaw for breaking into his house:
    Fusco:I don't care who you are. You break into my house again, you're gonna be sorry.
    Shaw:I'm already sorry. I'm gonna have to listen to your whiny ass all the way to Queens.
    Fusco:Me? You know the dog's the only one that likes you, right?
    • Later, when Shaw is on the phone with Finch while in Fusco's car:
    Fusco: Is that Glasses? Tell him this is the last time I chauffeur your ass.
    • Shaw snatches a Pizza Pocket out of a poor HR officer's hand and replaces it with a hand grenade, then removes the pin and cuffs him to the steering wheel. She later tosses the pin into the back seat of the car and leaves the man to his fate after he fails to answer her questions.
    • Reese's Pre-Asskicking One-Liner on the subway train:
    Mook: That's a nice suit. Maybe we'll bury you in it.
    Reese: Too bad. I just had it cleaned.
    • The Cold-Blooded Torture Simmons inflicts on Fusco is definitely hardcore Nightmare Fuel, but his short fortune cookie spiel started off quite amusing for such a bleak situation:
    Simmons: [cracks open a cookie and throws the crumbs at Fusco] "You will be unusually successful at your career." Y'know, I don't think that one's true. [tosses the paper away and cracks open another] "A thrilling time is in your future." We're getting close now. [cracks open a third] Ah, here we go: "Tell your friends what they wanna know, or they will break you apart limb from limb." That's more like it.
    • Finch walks up to an HR mook:
    Finch: Officer Simmons said you might be in need of my assistance.
    Mook: Yeah? Who are you?
    Finch: I'm the guy that's gonna catch you when you fall. [Taser buzzing, man slumps to floor] Sorry, I'm not very good at this.
  • "The Devil's Share":
    • The shot of Finch, Shaw, Fusco, and Root all crammed into Harold's Lincoln is a sight to behold.
    Fusco: "You know, if you had told me about the carpool arrangements, I would have drove separately."
    • When they get out, Fusco is extremely skeptical of Root's abilities. With the Machine's help, she lists the change from his morning coffee run, the picture of his father back at Fusco's house and even tells him where his name came from, completely freaking out Fusco.
    Just when I think life with you people couldn't get any weirder, one of you takes it to the next level.
    • Shaw remarking on Root's Guns Akimbo attack on the Russians.
    Shaw: Okay, that was kinda hot.
    • Black Comedy courtesy of Shaw's detachedness in a flashback:
    Doctor: You walked into the waiting room eating an energy bar and proceeded to tell the Loftin family their father was dead.
    Shaw: Because he was.
    Doctor: And, presumably, you were hungry.
  • "Lethe":
    • The Machine tries to give Harold the next number; Harold responds by giving the Machine the silent treatment and ignoring every single payphone that is ringing.
    • Harold sitting with the POI, a terminally ill friend of his from MIT, singing the school song together. The moment it ends Shaw remarks that Reese will be sorry that he missed that.
    • Arthur's comments regarding various surveillance programs. In particular, his take on PRISIM.
    Claypool: "It's a piece of crap for anyone who picks up the scent."
  • "Aletheia":
    • Shaw's immortal line:
    Shaw: There's a time for a scalpel, and a time for a hammer. It's hammer time.
    • And the exchange between Arthur and Shaw:
    Finch: Did you make a backup [of Samaritan]?
    [Arthur is silent, with a vacant look]
    Shaw: Save it, Harold. He's closed for business.
    Arthur: [side eye glance at Shaw] Of course I made a backup. It's just that woman seemed quite dangerous, so I played the tumor card. It was a ruse, remembering to forget.
    Shaw: [smiles] You're growing on me, Arthur.
    Arthur: [surprised look at Shaw] Who are you?
    Shaw: [smile drops] ...never mind.
    • Control and her organization are hilariously out of their depth, as demonstrated by her interrogation of Root. Assuming Root has administrative control of the Machine is wrong, but understandable. But thinking she has some username and password that can be tortured out of her? The Machine has never needed anything like that, not from its first second of operation.
  • "4C":
    • Reese's adventures on the airplane, including the scene where he purposely shoves over an obnoxious businessman's suitcase when loading an old lady's bag into the overhead cabin, as well as giving the same guy a quick knockout punch while the stewardess is complaining to her co-worker.
    • Later on...
    Owen: Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but who the hell are you?
    Reese: A concerned frequent flyer.
    • After Shaw sneaks up on and startles Finch:
    Finch: Would it be too much to ask you to snap a twig?
    Shaw: [obviously suppressing a smile] Not my thing.
    • Reese needs to get the stewardess on his side, but his mouth runs a little ahead of his brain, and he accidentally claims to be from the "International... Department of Homeland Security." The best part is you can tell he realizes his mistake halfway through, but he has no choice but to barrel on.
    • Reese constantly asking for blankets and scotch for his recently unconscious assailants. Reaches it's peak when he asks the stewardess for scotch to put a young boy to sleep.
    • Owen's fashion advice:
    Owen: Going through people's stuff? That's not cool, what are you looking for?
    Reese: A safety razor, maybe. Hair spray.
    Owen: Dude, your hair looks fine. That salt and pepper thing's like catnip to soccer moms. Go au naturel.
    [Reese gives Owen his best Death Glare]
    Finch: I'm only rated for props!
    • Reese gives the remote for Owen's stun belt to the stewardess, claiming it's his beeper and to 'summon' him if Owen gets out of his seat.
  • "Provenance":
    Reese: Where's my backup weapon?
    Shaw: Moved it to the history section a week ago. It's time you upgraded your hardware.
    • Lionel Fusco making his grand entrance:
    Reese: We'll need someone to help secure architectural designs, steal them if we have to, then develop our operation—
    Fusco: Or just call someone from the NYPD with friends in security, who can get you those kinds of things. Yeah, that's right, I know people.
    • Reese in disguise in the elevator:
    Property Manager: Do you really have nuclear triggers in that briefcase?
    Reese: No. ''*whacks unsuspecting manager over the head with his case*
    • Every scene in which Reese wears that ridiculous fake mustache. Spawned its own Tumblr.
  • "Last Call":
    • Harold fielding a 911 call from a man whose car is being broken into... by squirrels. Reese and Shaw tease him by insisting that he should've taken the call.
    • The Casual Danger Dialog between Reese and Shaw.
    Shaw: There is no dead in team!
    • Finch is complaining about being the one to work at the 911 call center, causing Shaw to ask, "Do you really want someone to call 911 and get me?".
  • "RAM":
    • A rather Reese-like protector is teasing Finch:
    Dillinger: It's not good for you to be in here all day by yourself, Harold. You ever think about getting a dog?
    • A PoI is talking to Harold.
    Daniel Casey: This is an original edition of Shannon and Weaver's Mathematical Theory of Communication. This is...
    Finch: I believe the word you're looking for is "rad."
    Kara: That's new.
  • "/" ("Root Path"):
    • When Root is getting Billy off the prison bus, a random prisoner calls out, "My name's Billy too!".
    • Everything Root does is a mixture of awesome and funny. Some examples:
    [In the NYPD station]
    Fusco: Nobody's taking this guy from me without a big fat federal warrant, you got that?
    [Root promptly whips out a thick blue packet]
    Reese: You let her what!?
    Fusco: She had a warrant—a real one. What was I supposed to say? "Sorry, boss, Agent King is actually a superpowered nutball. Just ask my buddy, the urban legend."
    • After showing Finch the nasty scar behind her deaf ear, Root says, "Oh, did you not hear about my chat with Control? She's fun... in an unnecessary stapedectomy kind of way," in reference to Control torturing her.
    • Root opens the window of the number's apartment and throws Shaw an energy bar. Shaw picks it up and eats it.
    • Root gives Fusco a battery, telling him that his smoke alarm is going to go off later that night.
    • Reese is walking down the street when a nearby payphone rings. We then get a Machine-POV shot of him giving the nearest security camera an exasperated Death Glare.
  • "Allegiance":
    • Shaw having some fun at Fusco's expense over his provincialism.
    • Fusco driving a fire truck and commenting he always wanted to drive those since he was a kid.
    • Reese tackles a mook out of a window and down a four story drop. Shaw and Fusco are completely lost for words
    • Shaw finding out Maria is in love with Omar. The great thing is that Shaw isn't mocking her for it.
    "Are you gonna cry?"
  • "Most Likely To...":
    • Shaw isn't happy on stakeout:
    Shaw: Is it just me, or is it getting harder to tell all the tourists apart?
    Reese: Don't appreciate visitors, Shaw?
    Shaw: I don't appreciate their fanny packs.
    • Later on...
    Shaw: Is that why you had us dress up, Harold? An evening at the theater?
    Finch: If you keep an open mind, Ms. Shaw, you might actually enjoy yourself.
    Shaw: What's the show?
    Finch: [hesitates] Mamma Mia!
    [Reese and Shaw look distinctly unimpressed]
    • Root casually strolling on into a crime scene with her "Agent King" ID, prompting Fusco's Screw This, I'm Outta Here! reaction.
    • Finch being less than happy about Lionel Fusco's music choices. (Dixie Chicks and Music/ACDC)
    • Reese and Shaw's expressions of utter disbelief (particularly Shaw's) when they run into the perky greeter at the high school reunion.
    • And then Shaw fuming at her "apparent resemblance" to the real Betty.
    • Jack Tanner talking to Shaw (as "Betty"):
    Jack: Well, some people are gun-shy.
    • The Running Gag of every attractive woman at the reunion slapping "Frank" is explained when Shaw reveals that the real Frank was quite the womanizer in his high school days. Which also makes Finch's description of the real Frank as "the mattress king" into a neat Double Entendre.
    • Shaw calling back the Running Gag of the series when she baldly states that she "handles stress" by shooting someone every now and then.
    • During a tense firefight with Vigilance goons, Shaw gets a call from Root, who casually apologizes for getting them into the mess in the first place.
    Shaw: You leaked our location to Vigilance!?
    * "Death Benefit":
    • Shaw being able to make the drug dealers turn to each other while being a Deadpan Snarker.
    • Shaw and Root drinking cocktails and causally talking only to reveal that they're sitting in a bar full of drug dealers that they beat up.
    • Reese offers to sing to Finch next time they're on a stake-out together.
    • Root rides up on a motorcycle. She and Shaw have this exchange:
    Root: Hey, kids. You miss me between drug deals?
    Shaw: Yeah. I miss you like I miss an intestinal parasite.
    Root: I love your similes.
  • "Beta":
    • This exchange between Greer and Garrison when the latter gets his first look at the former's crude setup for Samaritan's beta test, a mashup of monitors and keyboards on a couple of folding tables:
    Garrison: Mr. Greer, I'd assumed the beta test of your system would be a little more...professional.
    Greer: [soft chuckle] The espresso machine is on its way.
    • Root has purposely gotten herself arrested and is speaking to Fusco:
    Root: In evidence locker 7-7-9-B, there's a coil of copper wire. In 4-4-3-A, there's a pair of needle-nosed pliers. I need them, a roll of duct tape, and an extension cord.
    Fusco: Oh, is that all, Cocoa Puffs?
    [Root nods and saucily winks at the security camera after Fusco leaves]
    • Team Machine has escaped to New Jersey to be outside of Samaritan's feeds and are in a restaurant.
    Shaw: You sure we're safe here?
    Root: From everything but the coffee.
    [Shaw does a small Spit Take back into her cup and hastily puts it down]
    • Shaw once again orders pancakes, and once again does not get to eat them.
    • A Decima fed appears with a warrant to detain Grace. Just as it looks like Shaw will fight him, Fusco appears and smoothly guides him into the interrogation room, where we hear the sound of Reese beating him up instead.
    • Team Machine needs a distraction to get Grace out of the precinct. Cue Root blowing up a building.
  • "A House Divided":
    • Reese, Shaw and Hersh bickering about driving arrangements.
    Hersh: My car's out front.
    Shaw: Oh, you think you're driving?
    Hersh: Well, you're certainly not driving.
    Reese: I'll drive.
    Hersh: I'll pass.
    Shaw: Alright, here's the plan: I'm gonna drive, Reese sits in the back, while you [Hersh] ride shotgun. Agreed?
    Reese & Hersh: Agreed.
  • "Deus Ex Machina": Just because it's really bleak doesn't mean there can't be a few moments of levity here and there:
    • Hersh insisting that he needed to off the wounded Decima agents because they'll take the chance to commit suicide after Reese and Shaw looked at him. (And we start to see where Shaw's "shoot anyone" attitude comes from...)
    • Shaw realizes she needs a method of transportation. Cue Hersh simply firing in the air and stealing a terrified passerby's bike unceremoniously. This is even funnier when you realize this is a Call Back to how he got himself in jail to get to Reese. So it seems like Hersh's answer for everything is to just shoot into the air.
    • Also Greer's reactions during the court.
    "Well...this should be fun."
    • How do Reese and Hersh find the courthouse? They dress up like Vigilance soldiers (by looting a sporting goods store after warning Fusco he's gonna want to circle the block so he doesn't have to see anything), have Bear attack a random soldier, then pretend the soldier is in the wrong location. Then when he corrects them, they punch him out.
    • Reese forgets how much Fusco knows for a second.
    Reese: Vigilance caused the blackout. They set up a kangaroo court to go after anyone tied to The Machine.
    Fusco: ...What machine?
    • Pure Black Comedy, but after Hersh and Reese split up to search the courthouse, both telling the other to call if they get in over their head, Hersh finds something very bad:
    Hersh: Oh, dear... [calls Reese] I think I might be in over my head.
    Reese: [exchanging fire with Vigilance soldiers] I'm a little busy myself.
    Hersh: Unless you're looking at a big-ass bomb wired to blow when the power comes back on, I think I win.
    • During the aforementioned firefight, Bear retrieves a fallen pistol for Reese.
    • This piece of gold from the end of the episode:
    Finch (after being shot and patched up by Reese): Why would you ever choose a career where this is an occupational hazard?
    Reese: Well. I tried to quit, but some jackass told me I needed a purpose.
    • A milder one, but after coming online, Samaritan asks Greer what his commands are by displaying words one by one on its screen. For whatever reason, it decides to give the same treatment to the ending question mark as well:
  • The Season 3 gag reel:
    • During a scene from "The Devil's Share", Sarah Shahi stands completely still as Kevin Chapman repeatedly flubs his lines.
    • Reese and Shaw getting out of the taxi trunk in "Beta". Sarah makes it out just fine, but Jim loses his grip and falls back in.
    • The Decima mook from "RAM" who kills himself by going through a window. Instead of the pane shattering, it dislodges completely out of its frame without breaking.
    • While filming the motorcycle scene from "Death Benefit", Amy Acker accidentally puts her helmet on backwards. The way she grabs her helmet upon realizing her mistake is a rare example of Oh Crap! without a facial expression involved.
    • Root confronting Greer with Bear in the subway at the end of "Allegiance". Boker's reaction at the end really makes this one hilarious:
    Greer: Perhaps you and I have more in common than you think.
    Root: I don't think so.
    Subway Intercom: The next uptown express 5 train...
    • During "4C", Reese pulls out a phone to call Finch, but Jim holds it backwards, with the screen facing out.
    • "Mors Praematura", when Root is imprisoned in the Faraday cage:
    Michael Emerson: There are more comfortable chairs, if you'd rather... [sounds of metal clinking] Oh, it freaking locked.
    • Sarah Shahi: "Everything I have I owe to spaghetti."
    • In the diner during "Beta":
    Jim: [pointing at his co-stars] Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. [Evil Laugh] Maniacal laugh!
    • Grauber's Boker is a little too energetic during a subway sequence from "Allegiance". Amy has to run to keep up with him.
    • From the start of "Allegiance": Reese and Finch are cleaning up the books Bear knocked down. A book Michael put back on the shelf falls off and hits him on the head.

    Season 4 
  • "Panopticon"
    • Shaw's cover identity? Retail cosmetics sales. It does not agree with her. And then there's the look on her face when she learns the Machine set her up in this job. Then there are her dating issues with the Tinder-like app she is told to use by Root.
    • The attractive woman in Finch's class obviously thinking she can solicit him for a better grade, only to brusquely get up and leave the class when he informs everyone all grades are final.
    • Reese and Shaw at the positive thinking lecture.
    • Reese and Fusco's Snark-to-Snark Combat:
    Fusco: Last I checked, I was in Homicide. This here looks like a body. What's Narcotics doing here, Detective?
    Reese: Felix here was an affiliate of a street gang taking over the heroin trade.
    • Reese takes issue with improper gun-handling. Again.
    "You really shouldn't hold the gun like that. Can't aim straight. It'll eject the cartridge right into your... oh, forget it." (WHAM)
  • "Nautilus"
    • Reese and Finch are debating whether or not he should intervene to save the Number:
    Reese: Damn it, Harold, it is still my job to save people.
    Finch: Don't let your frustration with me affect your judgment.
    Shaw: He's gonna let his frustration with you affect his judgment.
    • The interrogation with a Barista. Also a massive Call Back and Brick Joke to the jug of milk Reese found in Shaw's apartment back in Season 3.
    Shaw: Soy milk? Can't stand the stuff. Go cow or go home!
  • "Wingman"
    • Reese's happy face when the new captain compliments his marksmanship.
    • And her pointing out he's done four kneecappings in the past month.
    • A client upset because the professional wingman slept with his ex-wife sends the wingman a very angry e-mail, ending with the following:
    How do you feel about wearing your entrails as a necklace??? HUH? That's what you did to me. YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, NOW I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOURS!
    And I'm giving you a bad Yelp review! Ass.
    • Fusco and the episode's titular wingman.
    • Finch and Root's "scavenger hunt", involving Finch posing as a legendary ex-Blackwater merc.
    Finch: Are you feeling a little exposed, having an anti-tank missile in our possession in the middle of Manhattan, or is it just me?
    Root: Samaritan won't be looking for a college professor with an AT4.
    • Finch's attempt at a Death Glare when posing as said merc.
  • "Brotherhood"
    • Shaw calls Mini aka Dominic "Supersize" after she confronts him inside the ambulance.
    • Finch's dog ate his students' homework.
  • "Prophets"
    • Finch claims Sameen Shaw's new undercover position is "teaching her valuable people skills". Cut to her saying rather bluntly, "I don't know" to why the person she's calling ought to vote for the candidate for governor.
    • In the first flashback, when Ingram walks in on Finch testing his beta Machine's morality by describing a life-or-death scenario:
    Ingram: Teaching it word problems? [leans in and grins] Is our little project gonna catch terrorists or kick ass at 5th-grade math?
    Finch: Both, eventually.
    • Root's method of having their number turn a corner to keep him out of Samaritan's sight without explicitly revealing herself? Crash a car right in front of him. Then this bit of gold:
    Finch: Whose car was that!?
    Root: Someone who needs a good mechanic.
  • "Pretenders"
    • Shaw does not like having to pose as a temp in a cube farm to keep an eye on the number.
    Shaw: I'm spending my day off doing this? [growl] That sound is my soul dying, Harold.
    Finch: Walter Dang appreciates your metaphysical sacrifice.
    Shaw: Well, maybe his number came up because he'd rather be dead than penned up like veal.
    • The Adorkable Walter Dang.
    • Finch has to travel to Hong Kong, which leaves Bear too forlorn to eat his breakfast. How does he ask Shaw to handle it? She puts the dog on the phone and Finch sweet-talks him into eating.
    Finch: Who's a good boy? You are, Bear. Now eat your breakfast!
    Elena: What happened?
    Reese: Don't say it.
    Dang: It's-
    Reese: Don't say it.
    Dang: It's just a scratch.
    Reese: *Gets a pained look on his face.*
  • "Honor Among Thieves"
    • Root's continued demonstrations of her Master Actor skills.
    Root: French Mary Poppins Barbie is the only me that's been any fun. Thought I'm not sure how the parents would feel if they knew how many people I've killed.
    • Reese's face after Shaw's "Maybe infidelity is about to spank him on the ass" comment.
    • Essentially every single one of Shaw's comments about the guy being attractive falls into this.
    • Reese is dressed as Aiden Pearce.
    • Root's snarky "jealous girl" remarks to Shaw during her "date" and Shaw subsequently hanging up on Root.
    • Tomas trying to convince Shaw to flee the country with him after everything's wrapped up:
    Tomas: You, me, Barcelona, job worth 1.6 mil, you sure you won't come?
    Shaw: You, me, here, no pay, we both eventually wind up dead, are you sure you won't stay?
  • "The Devil You Know"
    • Martine pulls a handgun on Shaw. Shaw pulls out a submachine gun from her makeup station in response.
    • While hiding in a moving van, Root grabs Shaw to pull her out of sight of the movers. Once the doors are closed, Shaw tells Root she can let go. Root ignores her; Shaw eventually has to push her off.
    • After Fusco successfully screws over Martine Rousseau with some Jurisdiction Friction by claiming a good relationship with her supervisor and saying maybe she isn't read in on the joint task force, he's worriedly contacted by Finch.
    Finch: That woman is not DEA.
    Fusco: Gee, ya think?!
    • He then asks how Finch knew about the woman and realizes Finch still has access to the doll camera Team Machine gave him from Season 1!
  • "The Cold War"
    • Finch ordering a sandwich for Shaw:
    "You see, it's vital that we get it exactly right. So perhaps we should try again. Pastrami, extra mustard, spicy and yellow, and enough pepper on it to create digestion issues in even the strongest constitution. No mayonnaise, please. If there's even a trace, it'll render the entire sandwich useless, and we'll have to begin this whole process over again, which I don't think either of us would enjoy."
    • When Finch returns to the underground base with the sandwich, the first thing he sees is Shaw handcuffed to a bench and Root next to her wearing a bear costume. There is a perfectly valid reason for the situation, but for the few seconds until he clues in, Finch's facial expression is priceless.
    • The hilarious Mexican Standoff in the church. Lambert and Root are sitting in the pews with the latter pointing a gun at his back. Martine pops up pointing a handgun at Root. Then John materializes, aiming a sniper rifle at Martine. Then there's the conversation they have as this all unfolds, with Casual Danger Dialogue abounding and Lambert putting on a Wicked Cultured act. Comedy gold:
    Lambert: Don't you find it a tad sacrilegious to hold a man at gunpoint inside of a church?
    Root: I'm not the religious type.
    Lambert: And yet you believe in a monotheistic universe. No room for more than one god in your world. Isn't that religion? Or do I misunderstand you, Ms. Groves?
    Root: My name is Root.[click of a hammer being pulled back as Martine slides behind Root]
    Lambert: Martine is quite the go-getter.
    Root: I'm aware. She's trying to "go-get" and kill my friend.
    Rousseau: Shaw's making it hard for me. How about you tell me where she is and I kill you together.[sound of bolt being pulled back and Reese pops out of a choir box with a sniper rifle]
    Reese: I don't think she's going to take you up on that offer.[Lambert gives an amused smirk as he realizes there are three guns pointed in his vicinity]
    Lambert: Well isn't this the tricky situation.
    Rousseau: Tricky is one word for it.
    • And later as the meeting concludes, Root indulges in some Ship Teasing:
    Root: You don't want to carpool?
    Lambert: I'm afraid only two people are invited to this gala. And I'm not one of them.
  • "If-Then-Else"
    • In the third and final simulation, the Machine starts running out of time, so it replaces all dialogue with a rough description of what everyone would say.
    Reese: *holding Samaritan operative at gunpoint* Coolly delivered sadistic warning.
    Fusco: Self-deprecating inquiry into the time necessary to infiltrate system.
    Root: Funny yet insightful retort.
    Finch: Mildly agitated declaration of mission completion.
    Finch: Gentle exhortation to further action.
    • Root's efforts at flirting with Shaw under these circumstances are hilarious.
    Root: Overly affectionate greeting.
    Shaw: Greeting.
    Root: Transparent rationale for conversation.
    Shaw: Annoyed attempt to deflect subtext.
    Root: Overt come-on.
    Shaw: Mildly embarrassed defensiveness bordering on hostility.
    Root: Playfully witty sign-off.
    • Fusco gives Root a Big Damn Kiss. The Machine came up with this.
    Root: Why did you just do that?
    Fusco: Why not? We're in a simulation.
    Root: *shrugs*
    • Finch's mortification when a rare painting is destroyed. Every time he's there to see it happen. So much so that the Machine makes sure to instruct Root to take it down just before it gets shot in reality.
  • "Control Alt Delete"
    • Grice decides to get Comically Serious when he and Brooks chat about getting to investigate a relevant threat like they did under The Machine instead of just killing him:
    Brooks: This must be your dream come true, Grice. Investigating someone before we put a bullet in their head?
    Grice: [completely monotone] Yep, just like the old days. I've never been happier.
    • Then when their target shows up, we get these tidbits from Brooks as she fires intentionally missed sniper shots to scare him:
    Brooks: Hate to cut you off, Yasin... [fires a shot and watches him run] At the risk of repeating myself... [fires another shot to make him turn and flee inside a nearby building] Glad we had this talk.
    • Fusco's response to Finch's blatant Expospeak.
    Fusco: I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?
    • After knocking out one of Control's guys:
    Fusco: Another thing: the Red Wings suck.
    Finch: You realize he's not from Detroit.
    Fusco: Still had to be said.
  • "M.I.A."
    • The town of Maple is "the biggest little manufacturing hub in Upstate".
      Reese: " Town could use a better tagline. "
    • Reese and Root taking the police chief prisoner and smuggling him into their room at the bed & breakfast.
  • "Guilty"
    • Finch's attempt to get out of jury duty.
    Finch: No, I can't think of anything that would prejudice me in this case. I mean, except for the larger issues with our government.
    Prosecutor: "Issues?"
    Finch: Well, one can't really call it "government of the people, by the people", can one? *Beat* Because we're all being watched by an intelligent supercomputer that's slowly but surely taking over the world.
    • The Machine gets him back in by making one of the juror's phone's go off and getting him held in contempt. For some reason it also changes his ringtone to "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.
    • While prepping Finch to swing the jury to a guilty verdict, Finch brings up the cell records.
    Finch: The cell records clearly place Chad near the house when it happened.
    Reese: So? I hear that can be faked. I got a friend who can do it.
    Finch: Now, that's just cheating.
    • Finch being mildly horrified when Reese calls him "Harry".
  • "Q&A"
    • After Reese saves Anna, he wants to get gone before the police show up.
    Anna: Why? I thought you were a cop.
    Reese: I am, but this is more paperwork than I want to deal with.
    • When Fusco uses some boxing techniques of his own to take down a target:
    Anna: Nice body shot. Cross could use some work.
    Fusco: Stand him up; I'll go again.
  • "Blunt"
    • John is tailing the latest number to a college dormitory when two college girls returning from the showers pointedly eyeball him. The subsequent camera angle hilariously shows how creepy this middle aged grown ass man with a trenchcoat and a camera phone looks slinking around the dorm rooms, voyeuristically peeking around corners.
    John: [muted surprise] Oh. This is the women's floor.
    • Trey awkwardly making conversation while Dominic's enforcer Floyd holds him at gunpoint.
    Trey: Yeah, the government, it's really diabolical...Do you want some ice cream?
    • Finch's scathing assessment of university, and Reese's retort:
    Finch: As near as I can tell, college has become an overpriced bacchanalia full of entitled, oversexed binge drinkers.
    Reese: Well, someone has to pay your salary.
    • The implication that straight laced Mr Finch has smoked pot and is well versed in acquiring it.
    Reese: Finch, how do you know so much about marijuana?
    Finch: Do you want me to call it in or not, Mr. Reese?
    • Though when you remember that Finch does have some serious back problems and in a constant state of pain it does lose some of it.
  • "Karma"
    • Lionel Fusco is teasing Harold:
    Fusco: Hey, glasses, tell [the psychiatrist PoI] about all your nut ball friends. Maybe he can give you guys a group therapy discount.
    Reese: I think by now, you count as one of Harold's nut ball friends, Lionel.
  • "Skip"
    • Iris tells Reese that she has feelings for him. She gets flustered and starts rambling while Reese stands there looking confused and manages monosyllabic responses.
    Iris: I have feelings for you, John.
    Reese: Oh.
    Iris: Which is inappropriate. Wrong. Completely unethical. I can't have a relationship with an ex-patient. It's so wrong. It's like a cop dating a fireman. It's that bad.
    Reese: ...'Kay.
  • "Search And Destroy"
    • Khan's reaction to everybody's favorite fixer being brought in by his former company to clean up the mess:
    Khan: I know it's bad, but come on, it's not Zoe Morgan bad, right?
    Zoe: Well, if the board hired me...It seems it's worse than you thought.
    • The entire scene where Finch, Reese and Root eat Chinese food with Khan in the room is golden. It provides such gems as:
    Root: Want to really blow his mind? Tell him there are two of these things.

    Khan: Who are you people?!
    Finch: The only ones keeping you alive.
    Khan: [looks at Reese] You almost killed us!
    Reese: Just a little fender bender.

    Khan: Biotech, you wouldn't understand.
    Finch: Try me. I'm a fast learner.

    Finch: Is that my computer?
    • While beating the living daylights out of Martine and then throttling her Root finds the time to lampshade her new hair color:
    Root: I liked you better as a blonde!
    • This gets even more hilarious when you recall that Root's natural hair color is blonde.
    • Root throwing a priceless Fabergé egg against the wall, destroying it.
  • "Terra Incognita"
    Finch: (blinks) Congratulations?
    Root: Don't go buying me that blender just yet, Harry.
    • In an otherwise depressing sequence, Hallucination!Carter cracking up laughing at the thought of Reese as a cop.
  • "Asylum"
    • This hilarious summary of the show's premise that Root gives to Finch after they get a call from Shaw:
    Root: Isn't this your specialty? Helping people when the phone rings?
    Root: You admitted me to the funny farm once. Turnabout's fair play.
    Harold: I don't recall dressing you like a homeless dope fiend.
    Root: It's not that bad. You look more hipster than homeless.
    • Later, when he gives Root a potential lead on Shaw's location: a "compact Persian sociopath" being kept in a certain room.
  • "YHWH"
    • The owner comes out of the store, yelling that Root shorted him five dollars. Then he sees that she's holding an sub-machine gun.
    Store Owner: Whoa! We're cool, we're cool.
    Root: Appreciate your understanding.
    • Since Reese is still tied to a chair and can't answer his phone, The Machine sends the "God Mode" combat advice he needs to free himself to the bank via fax machine, correctly predicting that he'll get the message because Dominic and Floyd will read the document out loud.
    Sharp right leg. Left knee, ACL. Tactical blade. Glass jaw.
    • When Harold realizes that Root wants to steal a police car:
    Harold: Are you out of your mind?
    Root: Since when is that relevant?
    • How Zachary starts off delivering Samaritan's ultimatum to Team Machine, who have barricaded themselves inside a building:
    Zachary: Attention. We'd tell you you're surrounded, but your Machine has probably filled you in on that score.
    • This scene where Reese is fighting off waves of Decima mooks with God Mode.
    The Machine: 6 o'clock. [Reese Offhand Backhands the guy with the butt of his gun]
  • The Season 4 gag reel. It's the funniest one yet.
    • Jim is an absolute goofball throughout this one.
    Amy: Nothing kills this cat.
    Jim (softly): Meow.

Bear's Twitter has had several amusing moments because he livetweets his thoughts during the episodes. (All his tweets are in Dutch, but please post English translations if possible.)

  • His explanation for his behavior with Fusco during "Bad Code."
    Corrupt police officer can not control me.
  • From "Masquerade":
    Glasses man will not throw ball. Is he confused? This game is rather simple.
  • From "Bury the Lede":
    About his squeaky toy: Observation: I hunt and kill this hairy creature many times, but it still makes noise. Strange ...
    While Reese is cooking breakfast: ... pancake? PANCAKE? PANCAKE!
  • After Finch reprimanded him for licking the doughnut in "High Road":
    Limits do not apply to cakes, bespectacled man. Everyone knows this.
  • From "Critical", in which he was left at the library with Leon:
    Yeah, I'm on a "special diet." A special diet ... of all I want.
    Hot Pockets not tempt me, foolish man! Please. I am a professional.
  • After he takes down an Armenian mook at the end of "C.O.D.":
    Do not make me angry. You will not like it when I'm angry.
    I take a bite out of crime.
  • During his bath in "Shadow Box"
    Your harsh interrogation tactics will not work! Although I'm cold, wet, naked and humiliated, you will get no information from me! Never!
  • Bear wasn't in "2-Pi-R" and many fans were wondering where he was and who was taking care of him; Finch apparently left him alone at the library, and he proceeded to keep a Twitter log, which quickly turned to talking about how hungry he was growing:
    Bear Log, Item 5: I remember the human trick: call is made and food appears. Must find phone.
    Bear Log, Item 6: No phone book in whole house! Must. Eat. Something. Asimov was nice last time ... what else bespectacled man have?
    Bear Log, Item 7: Party tonight. Three-course meal courtesy of a Paul Auster. Bespectacled man has good taste.
  • He was missing Reese so much during "Prisoner's Dilemma" that he resorted to writing poetry. The haiku poems translate a little weird, but it's still hilarious to read.
  • His reaction to Reese's return at the end of "Dead Reckoning":
    , iouhrbfew; vaslksadklfdjgaehruf; leinq; owiaerhbaer!!!!!!!!!!! THE TALL MAN!!!!!!
  • His greeting to the dog he has a playdate with at the end of "One Percent":
    Hello energetic dog, my new friend! Do you speak Dutch?
  • When he wakes Shaw at the end of "Relevance":
    If beautiful lady will not wake, there's only one solution: the kiss. Works every time.
  • From "Proteus":
    Truth is stranger than fiction. My many experiences would be great material. Maybe I should write a screenplay.
    Recommendations for books on screenwriting? Refuse reading something so ridiculously titled as "SAVE THE CAT."
    "BULLETS IN BRUSSELS" Screenplay by Bear the Dog. FADE IN: EXT. PARK NIGHT A body floats in an elegant fountain ...
  • From "Trojan Horse":
    Beautiful lady with a tasty face has come back to visit me! (They do not stay away for long.)
  • From "Zero Day":
    Wanted: massage therapist specializing in tall men, bespectacled men and canines. Very tense around here.
    Alone. Reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Exciting. And salty. Nobody’s night is more exciting than this.
  • Reese left him with Leon ("Foolish Man") during "God Mode":
    Tall Man has assigned me to the security detail for Foolish Man. Stand by for transmission.
    Business meeting with Foolish Man. Hushed tones. Something about “investment opportunity,” and “prime island real estate.”
    Having lunch with Foolish Man. I suggested string hot water but he demanded #gray papaya. Must admit, quite fond of the onions.
    Surprise meeting with associates of Foolish Man. They had guns. “Meeting by appointment only,” I said. With my teeth.
    Foolish man home safely. Tall Man has rendezvous’d for my extraction. Conclude security detail transmission. See you later.
  • From "Liberty":
    Finally alone. Time to tear through another first edition. #delicious
    I sense steak being eaten. I'm not the one eating it. #disappointed
  • From "Nothing to Hide":
    Suddenly nervous about dark past. To do list: look up "Butcher" on LifeTrace. Eliminate all traces.
    Bespectacled Man. Wake up. I had an epic battle. Much furniture was lost.
    You take your eye off the crazy information broker to eat a cookie, and BAM. Should never have let him inside.
  • From "Reasonable Doubt":
    To the victor go the expensive chew toys.
    The instant gratification of chew toys is over. Can I go back undercover, Tall Man?
  • At the end of "Razgovor", while Finch is questioning Shaw about the bug she planted in his office:
    I know where the listening device is, Bespectacled Man. But I need more cookies before I will tell you.
  • "Last Call", following up on the throwaway joke in the episode proper about a man carjacked by squirrels:
    Initial investigation does not indicate a carjacking ring, but I've uncovered a huge nut hoarding scheme.
    In the library, waiting for Tall Man and Bespectacled Man. I need their skills to attach my findings to the glass board.
    Being a detective may not require opposable thumbs.
  • "A House Divided", while hanging out with Root's hacker squadron:
    Smiling computer guy teaches me new tricks. He says "tooboe" and I make a noise and he gives me a treat.
    ...The other computer guys hate it.
  • "Panopticon", finally getting to see Reese again.
  • His justification for eating Harold's students' papers in "Brotherhood":
    The blood, sweat and tears of students who waited until the last minute to do their homework fuels me, bespectacled man.
    • Later in the episode, after Shaw mentions that she bugged Finch (again):
    I know where the bugs are, Bespectacled Man. But I will not tell. No matter how much you inflict belly rubs on me.
  • "Honor Among Thieves", after Shaw ditches Romeo and his squad:
    Romeo, Romeo. Where art thou Romeo? Oh yeah, on the way to the hospital because Hammer Lady kicked your ass.
  • "If-Then-Else": During the simplified simulation:
    Very obscure quote. #Auteur
  • In "Guilty," when the judge informs Finch that his "number's up" to fill a vacant spot on the jury:
    BESPECTACLED MAN?! Oh... his number for the jury. Phrasing, judge!
  • Throughout "Karma", he insists that Hector is the true culprit.
  • "Skip":
    Winner winner, expensive shoe dinner.
    'Ruh roh' is dog for 'uh oh'.
    I wish Tall Man would lock me in a meat freezer once in a while.
  • "Asylum," when Shaw calls her old phone:
    Beautiful hammer lady... in the phone? Bespectacled man... what have you done?!
  • "YHWH"
    Beautiful hammer lady is not made small and is not trapped in a phone?? Naturally. I knew that....

Other Twitter-based shenanigans:
  • A comment from Amy Acker during "Asylum", shortly after Root kills Martine Rousseau with a Neck Snap:
    Next week's cover identity- Root is a chiropractor. Who wants an appointment?

  • One co-promotional video has Finch and Reese meeting Sherlock and Joan.
    Holmes: I have a beautiful and alluring partner.
    Finch: So do I.
    [Reese stares at Finch incredulously for a Beat]
    Watson: Awkward...