In The Teaser Reese foils an murder of a rich businessman who's cheating on his wife.
Reese: You should call the police. And a good divorce lawyer.
Finch explains to Reese what would happen if his cover identity is blown:
"The entire department would be overhauled. Some employees would be transferred, some would be promoted. [looks at the Jerkass supervisor] Some would be fired."
In "Witness", Reese wonders if one of the POI's students intends to harm him.
Reese: "You know teaching can be a dangerous profession."
Finch: "Yes, I imagine espionage was a much safer choice."
In "Super" Reese and Finch hack into the all the wireless networks in an apartment building so they can spy on the residents, one of whom is a young female doing yoga in full view of her webcam. In her underwear. She's... "healthy." Cue hilarious synchronized headtilt.
Also from "Super"—Three words: "USE THE CUSHION!"
In "Legacy" Reese gets close to the lawyer he's investigating under the guise of suing his employer for work related injuries; she asks what his boss is like, and he proceeds to describe Finch (who he knows is listening in on the conversation) in unflattering terms.
Reese: "[He's] very manipulative. Secretive. We've had some personality conflicts."
Andrea: "I take it he has a lot of money?"
Reese: "He's one of those rich loner types. The kind you'd call strange if he didn't have so much cash, so instead he's.... eccentric."
In "Root Cause" a student at the public library spending time with a girl mistakes Finch and Zoe for a couple.
"Nice work, dude!"
He also gives Finch a thumbs up when he sees him again later (with a different girl!).
"Wolf and Cub." Fusco gets shot in the butt. Poor guy, it's actually pretty funny.
Reese dumps a naked murder suspect in the back of a NYPD cruiser and leaves a few empty beer bottles for good measure. The officers couldn't believe what they saw the next morning, assuming he slept there the whole night.
In "Baby Blue" Reese and Finch play daddy to a six month old.
The part where Finch chides Reese about safe storage of his arsenal after they find the baby teething on a tear gas grenade is especially amusing. They sound exactly like a couple bickering over the proper way to raise their child.
"It's a wonder they never catch anybody with these things."
Carter is exasperated when Finch, who is stocking up on baby supplies at the time, tells her that he kidnapped the baby because "she was in imminent danger of kidnapping." The exasperation level gets taken Up to Eleven when he tells her that he left the baby in Reese's care. He is utterly matter-of-fact about the whole thing until the store cashier mistakes the two of them for new parents:
Cashier: "Congratulations! Is it your first?"
Finch: [Frozen stare](and Carter has this "You're kidding me, right?" look on her face)
Finch getting distracted by the baby.
Finch: How about a delicious bottle?
Reese: Finch, are you there?
In "Identity Crisis", Harold is obviously smitten with the female POI.
Finch: We have to keep a closer eye on Jordan.
Reese: "Jordan?" You're on a first name basis now?
Finch: No, I'm just tired of using pronouns.
In that same episode, it's revealed that Finch invented online social networking.
In "No Good Deed", Henry Peck spends several minutes ranting about how he's discovered that the government is spying on the entire country, but we get don't see who he's talking to until the end: cut to a shot of Fusco glancing disinterestedly around the room before asking Peck if he wants a soda.
In Firewall, Carter, Fusco and Reese are chasing a car full of HR officers, Reese tells Carter to slow down....and blows up the HR officers car with a bomb. He then nonchalantly suggests they buy a drink sometime while Carter and Fusco stare at the flaming vehicle dumbstruck.
After the fight, Reese steals their laptop and weapons and they timidly approach him later to ask for them back. Cue Reese, not even pausing his phone conversation or turning his head, aiming a crossbow right at their face. Needless to say, they leave him alone after that.
Hersh is told over the phone not to arouse NYPD's suspicion. He looks at Fusco trying and failing to train Bear (he accidentally tells him to jump on his desk) and says "That won't be a problem".
From "Masquerade", this conversation between Carter and Reese.
Reese: Why don't you wait in the car?
Carter: *unimpressed* Why don't you wait in the car?
Reese: Give me three and a half minutes.
Carter: Oh, please. There are at least ten guys in there.
Reese: Well, this guy hit me over the head with a neon sign. Not very sportsmanlike, and none of them want to tell me where to find their pal Monty.
Carter: Yeah, that's why you should ask them before you knock them out, John.
In "Bury the Lede", Reese has to get close to someone, but since she's a reporter who is also investigating "the man in the suit", his normal methods are out of the question. Cue priceless dawning horror when he realizes Finch has created a false profile (complete with cute pictures of Bear!) for him on an online dating site. Finch is having way too much fun here.
Reese: Wait... You're trying to get me a date with her? Finch: Already have. Tonight at eight. You've been flirting all day. Reese: [sees Maxine checking her texts and smiling] Finch? What did I just say to her?
At one point, Reese has no other choice but to bring her back to his apartment. Finch is leaning back in his chair, resigned to the situation, before suddenly jumping up and exclaiming, "Shoot, I've got your dog!"
At the beginning of "High Road", Bear licks one of the doughnuts on Finch's desk; Finch reprimands him, and then gets distracted when Reese arrives and doesn't throw it away. Any guesses as to which doughnut Reese chooses?
"They're stingy on the sprinkles."
It's made even more hilarious when Finch realizes which doughnut he chose, but doesn't say anything.
Zoe: You remember when you saved me from being tortured and killed by corporate hitmen? Consider us even.
John: Does that mean you don't want me to carry you over the threshold?
Zoe: When this is over, I might have to fight you for custody of the dog.
Zoe: [after John pulls out a gun on the doorbell] John, that's the doorbell. Let's try not to shoot any Girl Scouts on our first day, okay?
Zoe: What do these people do for fun?
John: [shrugs] Got any ideas?
[Gilligan Cut to Reese and Zoe playing poker and drinking scotch with loud music on the background]
Zoe: Suburbs might not be so bad after all.
Zoe, at the end of the episode: "Is this the part where we get divorced?"
John proposing to Zoe was hilarious. She did not see that coming.
The first few minutes of "Critical". Finch gets a repeat number, and Reese wonders who's dumb enough to get in a life-threatening situation a second time. Cue Leon from "The Contingency" being tossed out a window. Having no time to deal with his problem, Reese brings him back to the library and orders Bear to keep watch over him. After Leon moans that there's nothing to do, Finch tells him to entertain himself with a book on penal law.
While in the context it is heartwarming, outside of context it is pretty funny to hear a couple saying "I'm so sorry I tried to kill you, honey!" in tears in such a nonchalant way.
What's funnier is with Fusco trying to hide from his date that a couple of publisher owners were kidnapped and that Fusco was a bit surprised that they weren't killing each other anymore after the attempted assassination at their New York residence.
The kidnapping was hilarious.
Sabrina Drake: You don't look like a police officer.
Reese: Thank you. (puts a bag over her head)
Finch's reaction to his first ride on the back of a speeding motorcycle in "Shadow Box" is this; he thought it was exhilarating and wants to buy one for himself! Reese's facial expression when Finch tells him is hilarious!
Reese ribbing Carter about her potential love interest Beecher and that he might get a visit from him if he treats wrong.
Northern Light's chief hitman Hersh is tasked by the special counsel to access Rykers Island Penetentiary to find and kill Reese. How does he get in? Straight after he's finished talking to his boss, with a utterly stoic face Hersh draws his sidearm and empties it in the air in front of dozens of civilians and police officers. The utterly straight face he keeps while doing so and getting arrested sells it
Who didn't laugh their head off at the sight of Finch fully suited up and wielding a grenade launcher with idea of pretty much storming the prison to break Reese out?
How does Bear deal with Reese's absence? By sleeping on one of his suits! The visual is hilarious, with a high concentration of d'aww.
Also, Finch recruiting Fusco to do John's work. Hilarity Ensues. The show repeatedly Gilligan Cuts to his numerous misfortunes at random, which include getting pepper sprayed in the eyes while trying to explain his job, an epic shootout, and the gem of the crown: The freaking top model falling in love with our short, stubbylovable heroic policeman. She kisses him. Cue Fusco completely freezing in absolute shock.
Mark Snow explaining to Reese and Stanton that the reason he had that bomb dropped on Ordos was so he could ensure they both ended up dead. Yeah. That obviously worked out really well, Mark.
It was funny that Reese and Mark were forced to work together despite the fact that they hated each other for the China thing.
In "Relevance", Reese meets Shaw. He introduces himself and tries to convince her he can help her. She shoots him in the chest in their first meeting. Cue the second one:
Reese: Can you do me a favor? Can you not shoot me this time?
When Shaw staggers out of the building the ISA has tried to ambush her in, guess who she runs into? Wilson, her boss who's coordinating the killing of her and Cole. He walks around a corner, doing a sit rep with the tactical teams....The Oh Crap look he makes when he sees an incredibly pissed off Shaw who's day has gone from bad to worse and is running on rage and adrenaline is priceless. Both then recover fast enough to draw their sidearms and engage in a quick gunfight.
A small moment, but in the confrontation at the gala Shaw calls Wilson an idiot in front of his boss for trying to killher and her partner as a first resort and then screwing that up spectacularly. Wilson just looks away sheepishly.
When Leon Tao picks Shaw up, in a blink and you'll miss it moment the back of his jacket reads "Fony EMT"
His moaning about the trouble he had getting Shaw to the graveyard is hilarious.
In "Proteus" a red herring in the search for a serial killer leads to a smuggler instead. After dealing with it in his own inimitable fashion, Reese begins dragging the now unconscious smuggler away, griping all the way.
Reese: Unbelievable. We're hunting a killer. Instead we get amateur drug night in the sticks.
"Don't say anything; just bleed if I'm right."
The opening of "All In" has Leon in danger yet again, this time for scamming a group of Nigerian scammers. When he figures out they're going to kill him the background music stops playing and he just calmly explains to them that they should leave before it's too late. Cue Reese and Bear entering and defeating the two in seconds.
Reese: We really should stop meeting like this.
In "Trojan Horse" Shaw shows up at the library. And the highly trained attack dog... welcomes her, and then goes back to his bed.
Bonus CMOF: Shaw, speaking to Finch, describes Team Machine: "...you, your poorly-socialized guard dog... and Bear here."
In "In Extremis", the entire scene in the car with Dr. Nelson and the stock trader.
Nelson: Have I mentioned that my eyesight is starting to fail? *aims gun*
In "God Mode", the rebooted Machine sends Reese and Shaw on various live-saving errands before they can rescue Finch. One of which is an angry man pointing a gun at his ex and her new husband at their wedding. They drive up, Reese shoots him in the arm, and then congratulates the couple before driving off.
Also, Reese and Shaw requesting transport, with Shaw grumbling that it had better not be a station wagon this time. Cue them opening a garage to find a sexy, Ferrari 458 and Shaw tossing Reese her shotgun.
Reese: What's this for? Shaw: To help you feel less inadequate while I drive this thing.
Fusco being used as Shaw's human shield. After she takes out the gunmen who were trying to ambush the POI, he recovers from the shock, draws his own gun half a minute afterwards and haplessly surveys the carnage Shaw has brought down on the gunmen
Fusco is also dressed in a top hat, tails and the world's most hilarious false beard.
Finch: Fleet week. The annual deluge of drunken sailors that somehow does not qualify as a military attack.
Reese and Shaw are patching up the POI who has been shot. He suddenly wakes up, grabs Reese's wrist in a vice like grip....and finds Shaw sticking her handgun into the side of his head.
"Nothing to Hide":
Reese: [The POI]'s in Shaw's hands now.
Finch: I hope sending her in there was a good decision.
Wayne Kruger: You know, sometimes, I wish I had an assistant whose qualifications extended beyond having a great ass.
Shaw: I sure hope this guy's a perpetrator.
Shaw's insistence that she can't shoot someone without eating something.
YMMV but in a black comedy sense, due to the POI's status as an Ass Hole Victim the scenes at Kruger's office qualify like a darker version of a Monty Python sketch. In a few short minutes, his secretary finds out he only hired her for her looks, the board of directors finds out about his shady past and immediately forces him out of the company and the icing on the cake is when he gets into an elevator which immediately goes into free fall.
Finch being Adorkable when telling Carter what she will need to wear to the safehouse.
Shaw quickly profiling the POI as a sociopath, and then quickly saying "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Shaw looking rather uncomfortable in ladies' evening wear, and then bonding with Carter over lethal and nonlethal weaponry. The grin on Shaw's face totally sells it.
Shaw: ...relationships are for amateurs. Guys these days have so many emotions, they cry, they wanna be held—I just don't know what to do with them.
Root's interactions with her therapist. She slowly begins to creep him out and on the day of her escape, he's reduced to cowering behind cover as she exchanges gunfire with Hersh. After making sure Hersh is incapacitated, she then politely thanks the therapist and leaves, leaving him alone in a shot-up corridor full of unconscious bodies.
When Root is stopped from executing Hersh by the machine, she's rather annoyed.
Root: Seriously? Even this guy? (Machine beeps an affirmative.) I guess you're the boss.''
Finch rushes in moments later, to find Hersh groaning on the floor, the poor therapist in shock, and everything else mentioned above. He's stunned.
Shaw goes undercover to a book club meeting of "pseudo-intellectual glorified trophy wives" discussing Lolita
Nicole: Nabokov faced some unique challenges writing so honestly about forbidden love.
In the Greenwich, CT bank, the superannuated banking officer is clearly not at home with computers. After watching him tap out all his commands by hunt and peck and then screwing up his password, Fusco and Shaw are both more than ready to get on the road as soon as possible.
Old man: Oh, that's not good. The little wheel's spinning. I'll just, uh, restart.
*Shaw's expression turns murderous as she reaches for a letter opener on the man's desk*
*Fusco hastily intervenes*
From the beginning of the episode, when Finch and Reese foil an attempted theft at the veterinarian's, with Bear's help:
Dr. Jensen: I don't know how to thank you.
Finch: One of those expensive chew toys you have for sale at reception would help.
Finch goes through the various tapes Jen made of everyone in her building. Inevitably, one turns out to be full of passionate grunting and moaning, which flusters poor Finch and makes him eject the tape quickly. He flips it over to find Jen labelled it "GROSS!"
Shaw: "Which part, the tasing, the drugging or whatever this is."
Root: "She needs our help and...I figured you wouldn't come willingly".
Root and Shaw break into a CIA "Pick-up site". Root begins to eat an apple and tells Shaw there's a CIA agent behind her. They get into a fight with Root watching and eating her apple all the while Shaw is beating up the agent until she decides to simply use her taser and end the fight quickly
Reese is searching Shaw's apartment. Looking in the fridge, he finds batteries, grenades, small arms, and a jug of milk. He tells Finch that there's nothing out of the ordinary in there.
"The Perfect Mark"
Reese teasing Finch at the hypnotist's:
Reese: For 200 bucks an hour, Finch, I hope you get more than an expensive nap.
Finch cautioning Root:
Finch: As before, Ms. Groves, Mr. Reese is upstairs with an unhealthy number of firearms. Please don't try to run.
Reese and Carter's out-of-nowhere fist bump.
A good portion of the Hilarious comes from all in one scene
The scene earlier where Reese and Finch are convinced that a woman who used a grenade launcher wearing a gas mask is behind the drug theft, Harold goes "Who does this reminds you of?" and in walks Shaw to both men eyeing her like she stole the Hope Diamond "Okay, you're acting weird..."
" Wait, that's my grenade launcher?"
Shaw, once again, fangirling over Carter's antics.
Finch deducing from Shaw's fangirling that it's Detective Carter in the video. His panic and shock plus his casual knock of Shaw's people skills all at once just make this scene even better.
Finch:(absolute shock) Oh my God, that's Detective Carter, isn't it? (absolute deadpan) Your social circle isn't terrible wide.
"You know, the dog's the only one that likes you."
Shaw snatches a Pizza Pocket out of a poor HR officers hand and replaces it with a hand grenade, then removes the pin and cuffs him to the steering wheel. She later tosses the pin into the back seat of the car and leaves the man to his fate after he fails to answer her questions.
Finch: Officer Simmons said you might be in need of my assistance.
Mook: Yeah? Who are you?
Finch: I'm the guy that's gonna catch you when you fall. [Taser buzzing, man slumps to floor] Sorry, I'm not very good at this.
"The Devil's Share"
The shot of Finch, Shaw Fusco and Root crammed into Harold's Lincoln is a sight to behold.
Fusco: "You know, if you had told me about the carpool arrangements, I would have drove separately."
When they get out, Fusco is extremely sceptical of Root's abilities. With her status as The Machine's Analogue interface, she lists the change from his morning coffee run, the picture of his father back at Fusco's house and even tells him where his name came from. Fusco is completely freaked out in the end.
Just when I think life with you people couldn't get any weirder, one of you takes it to the next level.
Shaw remarking on Root's Guns Akimbo attack on the Russians.
Shaw: Okay, that was kinda hot.
Bear's Twitter has had several amusing moments because he livetweets his thoughts during the episodes. (All his tweets are in Dutch, but please post English translations if possible.)
His explanation for his behavior with Fusco during "Bad Code."
Corrupt police officer can not control me.
Glasses man will not throw ball. Is he confused? This game is rather simple.
From "Bury the Lede":
About his squeaky toy: Observation: I hunt and kill this hairy creature many times, but it still makes noise. Strange ...
While Reese is cooking breakfast: ... pancake? PANCAKE? PANCAKE!
After Finch reprimanded him for licking the doughnut in "High Road":
Limits do not apply to cakes, bespectacled man. Everyone knows this.
From "Critical", in which he was left at the library with Leon:
Yeah, I'm on a "special diet." A special diet ... of all I want.
Hot Pockets not tempt me, foolish man! Please. I am a professional.
After he takes down an Armenian mook at the end of "C.O.D.":
Do not make me angry. You will not like it when I'm angry.
I take a bite out of crime.
During his bath in "Shadow Box"
Your harsh interrogation tactics will not work! Although I'm cold, wet, naked and humiliated, you will get no information from me! Never!
Bear wasn't in "2-Pi-R" and many fans were wondering where he was and who was taking care of him; Finch apparently left him alone at the library, and he proceeded to keep a Twitter log, which quickly turned to talking about how hungry he was growing:
Bear Log, Item 5: I remember the human trick: call is made and food appears. Must find phone.