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Quotes / Voodoo Shark

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Wolverine: No, no, don't change the subject here. Why aren't you dead?
Magneto: Oh, that. Well, you see, that wasn't me.
Wolverine: Oh really now?
Magneto: It was actually Xorn's twin brother, possessed by the sentient mold Sublime, pretending to be me, pretending to be Xorn.
Beast: That defies all logic!
X-Men: Death Becomes Them (watch), regarding Magneto's supposed death. note 

Darwin: How come we can see you every day, but we need this to see [other ghosts]?
Carrie: Because I was born a ghost! Duh!
Darwin: How does that work?
Gumball: Duh! ...Actually, I have no idea.

Well, that answers that question, and raises so many others.
Grim, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, "Here Thar Be Dwarves"

Yeah, that just raises more questions.
— The Detective, Who Killed Markiplier?

Cubert: That's impossible. Nothing can go faster than the speed of light.
Farnsworth: No, no, no, of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2092.
Futurama, "A Clone of My Own"

Layton: As I suspected, what appears to be a larger than average dog is actually a hologram projected from an orbital satellite.
Luke: ...Huh?
Layton: The dozens of people we have met claiming to have pet the dog are actually paid actors.
Luke: But WE pet the big dog too!
Layton: Only because our tea was laced with powerful hallucinogens in concert with hypnotic suggestion.
Luke: That's... Why would anyone do this?
Layton: The culprit appears to be preying on local superstitions of the Legendary Big Dog as part of an elaborate ploy to make one of his neighbors jealous.
Luke: ...I... uh. I think it would be much more plausible for there to just be a large dog.

Real Life

The Loch Ness Monster is a submarine. Driven by Bigfoot.

That's what a voodoo shark is — when your story depends on something so moronic, that there's no way of explaining it without resorting to something that's equally stupid!
Chuck Sonnenberg, Opinionated Voyager Episode Guide, "The Cloud"

Hang on, hang on, hang on…Suzie set all this up from beginning to end under the assumption that she might die at some point and would need some kind of method to get herself brought back to life? She set up a revenge plan for somebody who she hasn’t even met yet? Argh! This script is such mouldy old dick cheese! It's so badly written it has me physically attacking my keyboard to slate it! Apparently if she dies and doesn’t see Max for three months he becomes a ticking time bomb and her orders kick in…It's the most convoluted load of fanny fluff; it's so full of holes and implausibilities it isn’t even worth discussing.

Rich: As Theodore Rex explained, all dinosaurs are mildly psychic when it comes to other dinosaurs.
Josh: I'm really glad you went back to pick up that plot detail, because the movie wouldn't make a lick of sense without it.
Jack: Also, I don't want to brush over what Rich Evans has just said... (everyone guffaws) These are not just dinosaurs living in the future; they are psychic, talking dinosaurs.
Rich: That concept has no payoff other than it's his only motivation to go on the case.

This entire setup convinces me that the screenwriters never actually saw the first movie, because in that movie, Connor knows no other immortals, and cannot recognize Ramirez or the Kurgan when he sees them. And he also seems to require training that he shouldn't need, because the "rules" for their exile were spelled out in exacting detail on Zeist. Maybe Connor was drifting off when the Zeist aliens were explaining, 'Oh by the way, the only way you can die is by getting your head chopped off. Remember that.' It gets funnier the more you think about it, since Connor also believed himself to be a normal human being until slain by the Kurgan. The argument holds less water than my sister on a road trip.

Then we finally get an actual explanation for why the Federation is working with our plastic surgery addicted villains: The Head-Staplers have the technology to harvest whatever the hell is in the rings, and the Federation doesn't. Since the planet is in Federation territory, a partnership was formed. We also learn that the harvesting will make the planet uninhabitable. And if the Head-Staplers just establish a colony of their own on the planet, it'll take ten years for the rings to begin to take effect. Is it just me, or is this script roughly 90% about plugging up all its own plot holes?

It turns out their lead suspect is married to a guy who Billy molested as a child, which I guess...explains—I dunno, I dunno, I'm trying to make sense of it but I can't. "What the hell is going on with this psychic thing?" I don't know.

No, seriously.

Why does he have a psychic the husband...of a boy...he molested as a child?

I know he's a priest. But priests don't have telepathy...I don't think? explain.

Chris: Lex doesn’t even have any reason to not like Clark now. The only thing that made him a bad person was Lionel and Clark being dicks to him for his whole life. But now he has NO MEMORY OF ANYTHING. He should be a decent guy!
David: Or a drooling invalid.
Chris: They’ve seriously taken away any reason he had to be evil, and just end up making him evil anyway. Like, it would actually be better if we got a scene where he finds a letter to himself that’s just a picture of Clark that says 'THIS GUY SUCKS' to explain it.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Finale")

Hahaha, thank you, Spider-Man, thank you for wrapping up this storyline in the most pointlessly absurd way possible. There’s nothing about this that I don’t adore. I love that the potential dramatic purpose of Mysterio’s double-masking is undercut by the strip revealing the truth after only one panel, and I sincerely hope the reasons behind it are never discussed or even mentioned. I love the fact that the “Dash” Dashell mask is presumably fixed in that glum expression. I love that he’s got glasses perched on top of the mask, and that those glasses apparently have transition lenses. I love the weird grimace Beck is making as the mask comes off, which is actually the sort of face you’d make if you were wearing a fishbowl full of water over a latex mask.

Seriously. Totally. Even that time you saw him walk through motherfucking walls. That was just… super-technology. Fucking hell, it’s like Marvel editorial wanted to solve the problem of a villain being convoluted and making no sense by seeing if they could get him to make even less sense.

Slowbeef: See, I loved how they tried to explain things away from the first game, but ended up fucking things up more.

Q: Why did the Wailord dropped a boulder on Bubble's adoptive mother Swampert?
A: the boulder was attached to that Wailord's underbelly, like Barnicles, and in its leap over Mama Swampert, the boulder detached itself.
Sonichu Q&A

"I think you just dug the plothole even deeper"
Commentary on The Prayer Warriors, in response to a belated parenthetical note saying that God told Jerry about The Mole.

"If the conspiracy is so big and evil, why hasn't it killed Jim? And how did crazy Oliver Stone's movie come out? The Conspiracy can kill the President but can't stop a shitty movie maker?"

"Watch as the studio avoids a whitewashing controversy by showing off how multicultural their version of Hong Kong is and explaining that Major's body is just the robot shell for someone else's brain...which...all right, I'll bite...then cringe in disbelief as the studio manages to ruin their own solution by revealing that...yep, she was full-blown Japanese all along. Way to double down, gang; you just tried to put out a dumpster fire with a much larger, easily avoidable dumpster fire."

"The wheels first begin wobbling on their axles when Peele reveals that the Tylers have dopplegangers too. One nightmare shadow-family can be an inexplicable aberration, and the fairy tale language in which Mirror Universe Adelaide couches her introductory spiel encourages us to think in those terms. Add a second family of evil doubles, however, and you don’t have an aberration anymore. At that point, you have a phenomenon, and phenomena require explanations (even if the explanations are magical and irrational). Fortunately, Peele has one at the ready, but unfortunately it’s a sci-fi explanation that sits very uncomfortably beside everything we’ve seen thus far. Also, it makes precious little internal sense, which is a real problem in science fiction. It turns out that They (presumably the same They who faked the Apollo moon landing, killed JFK, and installed chemtrail-dropping equipment on all the world’s commercial aircraft) undertook a massive experiment in mind control at some point. They created subhuman clones of every man, woman, and child in America, hid them in a network of tunnels dug beneath the entire nation, and bound them psychically to their doubles on the surface. “Tethering,” They called it. The idea was that by controlling the behavior of the Tethered, They could control the corresponding people dwelling above ground, but it worked exactly backwards in practice. No matter what instructions, orders, or incentives the Tethered were given, they just compulsively mimed the actions of their human counterparts.
That story suffers from the same defect as pretty much all conspiracy theories, insofar as the more you think about it, the bigger the holes become. Who are
They? What is Their objective? Shouldn’t there be about 100,000 easier and more efficient means to Their ends than this preposterous scheme? And if They’ve already got the power to create an entire nation of clones, and to keep anyone from finding out about it for decades at a time, what additional benefit could They possibly gain from even mass mind control? They obviously have functionally infinite resources and influence as it is. Digging further into the practicalities, why has the project been left to chug along all these years even after it was deemed a failure? I mean, the electric bills for the tunnel complex alone must be comparable to the gross national product of Costa Rica! And while Peele went out of his way to provide a food source for the Tethered in the form of millions of rabbits descended from the cloning program’s original lab animals, he neglected to give the rabbits themselves anything to eat or drink. Nor is there any apparent source for the red prison coveralls into which the Tethered all change for their big uprising (they’re all dressed in ordinary street clothes during the flashback sequences) or the identical pairs of scissors which they all use as weapons. And while the real reason behind the scissors is that they’re a reference to the traditional weakness of child-stealing hulders, there’s simply no in-story justification given for them at all. We’ve talked before about how the impossible is far easier to accept than the implausible, and once Us lets us in on what’s really going on, it falls decidedly on the wrong side of that line."
Scott "El Santo" Ashlin, on Us


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