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Quotes / Immediate Self-Contradiction

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I get it!
I don't get it.
Jon, JonTron, Plug & Play Games

"I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed."

"Genji 2 is an action game which is based on Japanese history. Uh, being based on history, the stages of the game will also be based on famous battles which actually took place in Ancient Japan.
So, here's this giant enemy crab..."
Bill Ritch, Genji 2 Sony presentation, E3 2006

Even poor Bruce is forced to admit that this passage defies (refutes, destroys, demolishes and salts the earth of Ö) his alleged "literal" hermeneutic. He starts out by warning his congregation that they must never treat such passages as "symbolic" and he mocks those who would see its description as "mere symbolism." But on the very next page he veers away from his promised "literal" approach and sketches out what he believes this passage signifies.
Fred Clark on Tribulation Force, Slacktivist

"Have confidence!"
[immediately dies]
"No confidence!"
Inugami Korone, hololive

But okay! There was no screwing around anymore! I was determined and would not sleep until I got sixteen more Green Stars! So I then took a nap so I could get a fresh mindset in how to go about solving this problem.

I'm a gentleman, what can I say? I'm also really mentally stable.
I'm gonna kill myself
if you don't go out with me.

In the depths, no one can hear you scream. Well, they can, but it's, really muffled.
—Naga Royal Guard Stop Poking Me! quotes, Warcraft III

"When in doubt, play dead. Well, unless you might be dealing with a ghoul, or a basilisk, or something else that likes its meat a little ripe. Actually, when in doubt, just start shooting."

"You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim. Now, goodbye forever!"
Barbados Slim, Futurama: Bender's Big Score

"You have no strong enemies ahead. At this point you don't need to evolve. The Sand-Eater in the next area is very strong. I suggest you run away."

"Just generally: even if you preface something that isnít racist with 'this isnít racist,' it will still sound racist. Iíll show you: if you said, 'A lot of people buy jeans at Old Navy' ó totally fine. But if you said, 'A lot of people ó and this isnít racist, yeah, try it, try it anyway, this isnít racist ó but a lot of people buy jeans at Old Navy,' now that suddenly sounds like something thatís going to require about three pages of your Notes app."

"On this day we can do anything we want. I revise that: within limits."

Squidward: How are you two making that noise?
SpongeBob: (Laughs) What noise, Squidward?
Patrick: I could only hear the sound of our laughter.
Squidward: Yes, but those sound effects. The avalanche, the-the-the...
Patrick: Don't forget the second avalanche.
Squidward: (Deadpan) Forget it.

"How bloody dare you! I know exactly who her father is." (Beat) "I'm just not entirely sure, that's all."
Tracey Stubbs, Birds of a Feather, "Money"

"Woah, aw man, this is making me sick... You gonna finish those?"
Raco, Chop Socky Chooks ("Now You Coliseum, Now You Don't")

Cop: Attempted murder is a very serious charge.
Keisha: I didn't attempt to murder no one.
Police Chief: If you just admitted to us that you fancy Spencer, we would understand.
Keisha: I don't fancy him! I attempted to murder him!
Bromwell High, "Keisha's in Love"

Celia: ...Not if you paid me.
Staph: What if we pay you?
Celia: [Beat] ...Alright.

Son: Dad, can I ask you a question?
Blark: Yes! Of course, ask me anything. Literally. Ask me anything.
Son: What happened to mom?
Blark: Oh, fuck.

"I never just did things just to do them, come on. I mean, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on someone's couch, like it's something to do? Come on, I got a little more sense than that! (three second pause) Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch."
The actual Rick James, from Chappelle's Show