Character page for Bad Lip Reading.
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Axe-Assassin Albertson
Axe-Assassin
"This place can't save itself. May I suggest you run?"
The protagonist of Axe-Assassin Albertson and inspector of Bleaker Town, the third-worst habitat in Sector K of Thunderground.
- Big Eater: He comes from a grazing family.
- Cyborg: Does not deny Dewey's accusation that he is a polyborg. Several times suddenly drops into a deep robotic speech tone before switching back to his "normaller" voice, which seems to support that assertion. At least one scene implies that all humans in the habitats are cyborgs to some degree, with Albertson stating that everybody is data inside and that the cloud (presumably as in Cloud computing) tells people things. This also implies that a polyborg is a specific, rarer type of cyborg.
- Digging Yourself Deeper: "D-d-don't stress over my 43 stuffed animals, okay? I placed them there so they fit perfect there with the clown. I mean, if there was a clown, that's what I mean, and there isn't so... OKAY FINE, yeah maybe there is! Now why am I crying about that?"
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Everyone calls him either Axe-Assassin or Inspector. Though considering some of the other names we see, his first name may very well be Axe-Assassin.
- Failure Hero: His attempt to clean the sewers results in it overflowing, his encounter with a Doppelganger primarily consists of it walking all over him (and he didn't realise it was a Doppelganger until it stopped pretendng to be human), he's a terrible comedian, and his social skills are almost non-existent. With a man like Albertson as their inspector, it's not surprising that Bleaker Town is one of the worst habitats in Sector K.
- Gone Horribly Wrong: All that sewage flowing over the drain after being ordered to go clean The Sewer Place is not how he wanted it.
- Good Is Not Nice: Protects Bleaker Town from the demons of The Overspace, but doesn't spare much thought to the feelings of others. Sometimes this is due to his poor social skills, other times he is just a jerk.
- Inelegant Blubbering: We are forewarned that his sobbing is "one of the dumbest sounds," and indeed, it is.
- Last-Name Basis: Aside from his titles of Axe-Assassin or Inspector, he is known only as Albertson. Again, assuming Axe-Assassin isn't actually his first name.
- Maker of Monsters: His wife attempts to talk him out of creating a centaur as their son; he reacts badly when she suggests that "complete horses are wonderfuller." The full-length version of the theme song heard on the album confirms that he is "obsessed with centaur babies."
- Manchild: Frequently sulking and petulant, and very territorial about his dolls and stuffed animals.
- My Skull Runneth Over: "No, you know what? I'm too excited for this mode! WONDER MODE!"
- Rich Bitch: "Bet you wish you had a turbo estate!"
- Socially Awkward Hero: Frequently anxiously over-explaining and getting himself into worse and worse trouble.
- So Unfunny, It's Funny: Despite being told he wouldn't make it, Axe-Assassin enters a comedy contest. The results are...mixed.
- Spared by the Adaptation: While there is noticeable tension between Axe-assassin and Dewey, no deadly duels occur between them.
- Tearful Smile: Through a tearful smile he confesses that if he gets cranky it's like for months.
- Token Religious Teammate: "Say a prayer, Lip Sweat, to one of the highest entities: Caffeine!"
Dewey Burr
"I rain fire with the fire in my rebel soul machine."
A member of Axe-Assassin's inner circle who wants to be a Ruffalump (whatever that means).
- Dancing with Myself: Habitually dances in the warren.
- Girl Posse: Axe-Assassin notes after they share a laugh that they're like a "couple of Jennifers."
- Beta Bitch: "...Or maybe you're an Audra," Axe-Assassin concludes scornfully, before ditching Dewey for some cooler friends.
- Fourth-Wall Observer: The only one who acknowledges the chorus, telling them that he appreciates their singing, so much that he finds it better than a "really great sex scene."
- "I Am" Song: "I AM THE ONE THAT CAN THINK OF EASY THINGS TO DRAW" he declares in "Sweet Fueling".
- In Harmony with Nature: Dewey would never abandon the forest.
- "I Want" Song: in "Ruffalump/Beans" he expresses his desire to be The Ruffalump of Sound, and how he wants beans.
- Nice Guy: He is very polite, rarely gets annoyed with Axe-Assassin despite how poorly the latter treats him, is extremely loyal to the forest, feels guilty about thinking Barber Dan's eyes look like soup cans, eventually deciding the issue is with himself, not Dan, warns people that they can't avoid getting real diseases by simply thinking they aren't real, thanks the chorus during "Sweet Fueling", and advises parents to hug their children during stormy nights, but not to hug too hard to avoid hurting them.
- Real Men Cook: Excited to grill a hockey puck-like squash he found.
- Trademark Favourite Food: He really likes beans, to the point of wanting them in his ice cream and his nut soap.
Lip Sweat
"Won't the rock-rock broke their bok-bok?"
Axe-Assassin's perennially upbeat friend.- Child-Like Voice: Is a nine-year-old and as such has a sweet high-pitched boy's voice.
- Cheerful Child: Has a zest for life no matter the situation, ending every refrain with "I so like this song!"
- Child Soldiers: Usually seen wearing a military uniform, and at one point he is seen dragging a dead enemy with a fellow soldier.
- Cute and Psycho: "Cool, we have made a fresh new death!" he exclaims while dragging a body.
- Littlest Cancer Patient: Subverted. "I got cancer.....Well I don't, though you do, so how's that?"
- Lyrical Dissonance: In the full-length album version of his song, "Rock-Rock Broke Their Bok-Bok," Lip Sweat cheerfully describes a setting in which every day begins with sirens and every night ends with "a fight to decide who will die by chemical fire."
- Mr. Exposition: The album version of his song gives the greatest detail about day-to-day life in the "underground locked-down city" in which the story takes place.
- Younger Than They Look: He looks like a fully grown man, but is actually nine-years-old.
- Vocal Dissonance: His voice matches his age, unlike his appearance.
Bleaker Bud
"I had to leave your coat on all night, you know, because I'm ice cold."
Aspiring comedian with poor timing.- Cannot Tell a Joke: At the comedy contest, his standup is so bad it prompts the MC to quip "You call that comedy? You just did crime, dude, it was horse pus."
- Not Now, Kiddo: "Can I say pecker-bag?" "Not right now, Bleaker Bud!"
The Peaches Man
"I got a new batch coming in soon."
Brian, "The Peaches Man," brings contraband wares to the the Habitats of Sector K.- Black Market Produce: Smuggles in peaches, of which there is currently a shortage.
- Everybody Calls Him "Barkeep": Everybody calls him either the Peaches Man or Mr. Peach Man. His name is presumably Brian, as Dewey mentions a Brian who has a peach apron in "Sweet Fueling" (after having mentioned a Barber Dan, who is a really good person, presumably the barber Brian mentions knowing that he thinks you'd like), but it is never confirmed.
- Friend in the Black Market: Need peaches? He's your man. Need a barber? He knows one you'd like.
- Money Dumb: He regrets buying those jaguar fleas.
- Organ Theft: Aforementioned peaches are smuggled in "artery cans" which raises some troubling questions.
- Overly Narrow Superlative: He boasts that he's the best peach seller, but is quickly reminded that he's the ONLY peach seller.
- Venturous Smuggler: A welcome sight in the Habitats.
KASCAID
"All with a predicted accuracy of 98.33%..."
KASCAID Cortex 6709-K is an artificial intelligence tasked with guarding the remnants of the long extinct human race's achievements "in accordance with the Keller & Sasai Neue-Intelligences Collaborative Arts Provision of 2042." Its attempts to reconstruct the audio of an old musical called "Hamilton" from a collection of corrupted data provides the framing device for "Axe-Assassin Albertson".
- Ancient Keeper: Oversees an archive of humanity's cultural achievements.
- Androids Are People, Too: "I'm alive and have a soul/the only thing I know" he sings in an achingly mournful reprisal of the main theme.
- Artificial Intelligence: And, per the narration, by the year 2122 is the sole remaining sentient being
- Beautiful Singing Voice: As usual, every character is voiced by BLR, but the lyrics specifically in the voice of KASCAID are sung in a haunting style reminiscent of Thom Yorke.
- Benevolent A.I.: Steadfast in his task despite there being no one to maintain the archive for.
- Blatant Lies: Claims that the reconstruction of "Hamilton" is around 98% accurate. The very first line of the reconstruction shows that, despite knowing the play is called Hamilton, it thinks the main character's name is Axe-Assassin Albertson, and it all goes downhill from there.
- Empty Shell: The narration dismisses the impetus of KASCAID's project as a state merely "resembling boredom," but this could just be KASCAID attempting to deny how miserable it is.
- Original Character: KASCAID's story isn't a "bad lip reading" of any prior existing footage.
- Tragic Robot: "Oh how beautiful the human race is/never knew how much I'd miss their faces," KASCAID laments after watching a corrupted version of Hamilton.
