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WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

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     Fanfiction in General 
  • You don't have to actually obey copyright law.
  • Sex after trauma is always good; even non-rape trauma. Because people who almost drowned, almost lost their heads/brains/hearts are horny.
    • Your lover's penis will heal all your pain.
      • Your lover's vagina will heal all your pain.
      • Your lover's orifice will heal all your pain.
  • The only real requirement in a relationship is that the guy is gorgeous, and good sex means it's a good relationship.
  • It isn't good sex unless at least one person involved can bifurcate another with their impossibly huge penis.
    • And it isn't great sex unless the aforementioned isn't the male involved.
    • No, no, it isn't good sex unless at least one person involved can bifurcate two others with their bifurcated impossibly huge penis.
    • Lets just get this clear; Big dick = good sex.
    • You are only good at sex if you have a large penis and you can pleasure the entire female cast in a single night.
  • As a Distaff Counterpart to the above, no woman can be considered beautiful and/or worthy of sex unless they have ginormous hooters. Therefore, the male lead must only romance the girls in his series with the biggest boobs (age gap be damned); if the author's preferred pairing for him lacks this, giving her bigger boobs is fine (either through Applied Phlebotinum or just retconning her size). The more likely they are to cause back issues, the better!
    • If both halves of the pairing are underage, then they will get a big penis and big boobs, respectively, when the inevitable age-up happens.
  • The villain (usually the other girl) will do epically evil things to get in the way of the designated couple. She will recruit the other people who have said "Who Would Ever Take Him Back?"
  • Lube isn't necessary. Why would it be? Who needs lube?
    • Alternatively, anything can be used as lube — motor oil, foodstuffs, plain water, random items lying around, hot sauce, sulphuric acid — it'll be good. It doesn't even have to be liquid.
    • Additionally, condoms are unnecessary, especially for anal sex. Cleaning up bodily fluids after intercourse is simply ridiculous: just go to bed or, better yet, go to the bathroom and have shower sex.
    • Anal sex is 100% clean and painless the first time around. Fecal matter? People in fanfiction don't poop, so you don't have to worry about that (and if they do, expect it to be used as lube as per the above Aesop). If there is any pain whatsoever, it will always be "the good kind" of pain. It will last only a few seconds before giving way to untold pleasure beyond the character's wildest dreams.
  • Men can get pregnant. This is scientific fact. They will not be disturbed, they'll be happy to serve a wifely role.
    • As a trans guy, you also aren’t worthy enough to be fetishized this way, even though your pregnancy is the real mpreg deal. It has to be a cis guy having babies because… reasons.
  • Every relationship requires a dominant and a submissive member in order to work. There is no such thing as equal partnership, and there are no situations where couples trade-off or take turns being in charge. Sex only works if one party is a domineering overlord and the other one is a limp doormat.
    • Gay and lesbian couples must always have a traditionally "masculine" character and a traditionally "feminine" character regardless of actual personality and tastes. The appointment of these characteristics will usually be determined by height. If characters do bare some of these traits in Canon but do not fit the masculine = taller and feminine = shorter dynamic, then their height will otherwise be altered to fit this stereotype.
  • Lots of shipping fanfic: It doesn't matter if you're too shy or awkward or whatever to confess your feelings to someone you care about, since eventually they'll fall for you anyway. This goes double if you happen to be gay.
    • And it goes triple if it's incest.
  • Paedophilia is acceptable when they are hot. Or from popular big name series.
    • Pedophiles are anyone who wants to have sex with anyone under 18. Or they're gay. But it's fine if women are doing it.
    • Alternately, to avoid the subject of pedophilia, you can just change the character's age and leave the rest of the plot completely as it is. Eighteen-year-olds who act and think like thirteen-year-olds are totally normal.
  • Bromance is just an illusion to cover a latent homosexual lust.
  • It's okay to press your personal issues onto characters and depict them Out Of Character, your audience will love you to bits for it!
  • If you hate a character, it's perfectly okay to demonise them because they deserved it even if they didn't do anything!
    • On the flip side, purifying a thoroughly evil character is also okay because you love them! Even if it's Out of Character.
  • Bitchy women deserve to die.
  • If you land in an alternate universe, you can do anything you want — Literally. Everyone in that universe will bend to your will and worship you as a living god.
  • Say, aren't you a well-developed female character? And are you a strong character physically and mentally? Well, sorry! But you must be stripped down to a sniveling doormat to be abused by one of your best friends so that your other best friend (aka, your "Wan Troo Luv!") can save you!
    • Also don't forget that "your other best friend" could be the villain now a newly minted lover! Regardless if he is actually worse than your "abusive" boyfriend.
    • Alternatively, if you're a well-developed female character and aren't being paired with anyone, expect to be stripped of any personality quirks and nuance you have in favor of being the Straight Man who snarks at the rest of the cast's nonsense. This goes double if you're the only female character, triple if the nonsense you're snarking at is related to romance, and quadruple if said romance is male/male.
  • People who openly claim themselves to be straight are A) Homophobic, B) Secretly gay/bisexual. There is nothing in-between.
  • Want to get instantly famous or get loads of favorites on your story? Just write porn! Praises will rain all over you and you'll get the critical acclaim you've always wanted, regardless of the actual quality of the work. 'Cause at least you wrote some spanking material for the readers.
  • It's perfectly alright to demonise female characters for minor slights (such as being in the way of your favourite pairing) whilst being quick to ignore or handwave or ignore anything a male character does, no matter how heinous.
    • Contrarywise, someone who criticizes a female character in any way could only ever be motivated by personal bias or sexism. It surely can't be because said female character has done something genuinely heinous and selfish (e.g. rape) or that the critic is more concerned with how the female character has been handled by the writers. Women are always perfectly pure paragons no matter what and anyone who says otherwise is a misogynist of the highest order.
  • If you're a protagonist, you are basically the law. Everyone will follow your every command, want to befriend you, and/or fall in love with you no matter how many puppies you kill, and if they don't, they're clearly either a Straw Loser or a villain.
  • Completely rewriting Canon for the sake of Fan Wank is cheap and lazy... that is, unless you call it an Alternate Universe. Then it's completely fine, and your readers will praise your creativity to the high heavens.
  • Hanahaki Disease:
    • Emotions can cause parasites to attack you.
    • Terminal illness is romantic.
    • If someone who has a crush on you develops a terminal disease, you must become their significant other, even if you barely know them, or are of Incompatible Orientation. This will cure them immediately, but if you don’t, they will surely die, and it will be entirely your fault.
  • Similar to the above example, there is nothing wrong with fate itself saying you can only be with one person who you might not even know or outright hate. This is romantic and not horrifying or disturbing. Potential risks to your health if you don't immediately surrender to it are romantic and not the stuff of nightmares.
  • Any fanfic that contains the basic premise "protagonist of work X ends up in the world of work Y because of Reasons" will see the protagonist hijack the plot, get all the girls/boys, and win the series Superpower Lottery; this goes double if they're male, and triple if they're under 16 in canon. Remember: for every fanfic where Naruto is hijacking a series, there's likely another fic out there where another male protagonist is hanging out in his series (and probably instantly mastering every ninja technique and sleeping with Hinata while he's at it).
  • Fathers are completely useless creatures who don't love you. They are always the bad guys and only exist to give you genetic inheritance on top of your mother's, titles and wealth, and political power. Upon their son being born, naturally the main character, they must either die or be displaced as to let the son claim all that they were worth for. This is the aforementioned special powers, titles, wealth, political power, and occasionally the father's wife who birthed them.
  • When the rival claims special powers or privileges because of their parentage, wealth, political power, or physical power, this is terrible. When the protagonist does the exact same thing, this isn't just fine but a sign of them being badass and STRONG!
    • When a rival character does something, they are wrong. When the protagonist does the same exact thing, it's the absolute most correct thing.
  • Having a certain last name gives you political superpowers and lets you do whatever you want without consequences.
  • Polyamory solves everything. No problem can't be solved by marrying and banging multiple women. Society manipulating headmasters, civilian councils with influence over trained assassins and the economy, massive conspiracies, kings, terrorist organizations, global superpowers, all of these things are no match for a protagonist with a harem. There are absolutely no consequences, considerations, or conflicts of interest.
    • No one will bat an eye if a protagonist as young as eleven gets a harem exclusively made up of women who are five years older than him at the youngest. After all, it's perfectly normal for adult women to be attracted to a literal child if he's cool/powerful/nice enough.
      • An older woman raising the protagonist partially to have him form a harem with her later is not grooming, its just making them more badass. This is not creepy behavior at all.
  • If you want to give the main character a different parent, you need to bash their existing parents to high heaven. There is no remarriage, only character assassination.
  • Rational doesn't mean 'based on or in accordance with reason or logic'. It means 'everyone else is dumber than you and you are always right or the plot bends to make you right and in a more advantageous position'.
  • The only way to fix a protagonist is to make them into completely different characters. Being friendly, considerate, trusting, respectful, and eager to see the world with fresh eyes are all character flaws just as bad as being Book Dumb, being Oblivious to Love, not winning every fight or competition, being betrayed by someone, or struggling to perfect a technique and must be destroyed with absolute prejudice.
  • If a protagonist's friends and allies have wronged them in any way, shape, or form, then the protagonist is perfectly justified in ditching them for better friends, humiliating them, and/or utterly destroying their lives. After all, anything they've done (even if it's just friendly teasing, or the result of an obviously badly-written episode/book/movie/etc.) is far worse than anything the villains have done; in fact, the villains will make for great new best friends in this scenario!
  • If you don't see a parent around in a character's life, they are either dead or abusive. There is no other reason that you never see anyone's parent unless they are dead, abandoned the family, or do not love their child.
  • If you write an evil or morally grey male character getting a redemption arc, or even just portray him in a sympathetic light, you're a deluded fangirl (no matter your gender) who thinks all bad boys can be fixed with love and doesn't understand the source material. And the only reason you are writing it is because you think the villain is hot.
  • Your favorite character is having issues in canon? The best solution is to make their problems exponentially worse rather than fix them beforehand or even removing them outright.

     Specific Fanfiction 

  • After Yamiko: The best thing to do when your friend is recovering from an attack is to isolate yourself from everyone as punishment.

  • Anything for Family: If your baby sister is kidnapped, you, a fourteen year old girl, are the most qualified person to rescue her from a shadow demon straight out of Hell.

  • Ashikabi of Thunder and Lightning: The most rational way to win a death game is to have your mother stack the deck in your favor.

  • The Angel of The Owl House:

  • Ask White Pearl and Steven (almost!) anything: Kids have no hope of a stable life if they're born different.

  • Avatar Luz: Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life? Go to a foreign world alone with no one knowing where you're headed. I'm sure it'll work out fine.

  • AWE Arcadia Bay (Rogue_Demon): Instant death to all who aren't the Player Character!

  • Baby Boom (Shawna Canon):
    • Babies Make Everything Better as long as you're rich and famous or know someone rich and famous.
    • A villain should be forgiven of the many terrible things they did if they feel really bad about one of the many bad things they did.

  • Back to the Frollo: She may be black and from a future time period and you may be a racist murderer who lusts after women, but as long as she is not a gypsy, she's your true love.

  • A Big Blue House in Tall Pine Grove: Moving house sucks and you will never be as comfortable in your new home as you did in your old one.

  • Blue Au-niverse:
    • If you're in introvert, that makes you a freak!
    • Taking the initiative makes you a bad person, even if it gets you good results.

  • Blue Moon Nursery: Child abuse is bad... unless you don't actually mean it and are just grossly incompetent!

  • Cheshire (Miraculous Ladybug): A person's worth as a hero depends on how bad they have it. Give an abused kid superpowers and it will turn out great.

  • The Child of Love: Teen pregnancy is the cutest thing ever!

  • Choosing Life Verse: Children will become their parents whether they know it or not.

  • Constant Temptation: You can be the most prolific killer in recent history and no one will care as long as you're nice to your boyfriend and the orphans.

  • The Conversion Bureau:

  • Coyote: Don't trust any authority figure anywhere. They are all racist and ableist and will do everything in their power to keep you down.

  • The Crow: Phoenix Rising: Don't worry, there's no need to angst about the gruesome murders you've committed if your magic talking bird friend says it's okay.

  • Cupcakes (Sergeant Sprinkles):
    • The silliest and goofiest of your friends is actually a cold-blooded, Ax-Crazy cannibal! So if they ever ask you to come over to their place, don't listen to them or they'll kill you!
    • Horse meat is mandatory for any cupcake recipe to be good.

  • Curse of the Demon Pony
    • Don't let go of your childhood crush, even if you haven't seen him or her for years. It's not creepy.
    • It's okay for a racist jerk to make fun of your friends and daughter, but if he makes fun of someone you hadn't seen for years then by God THEY WILL PAY.

  • Cursed Blood: Japanese public schools are pure evil!

  • A Day Without Leonardo: If you save a little girl from evil robots, make sure to tell her exactly how those robots planned to mutate her into a monster. Makes for a good bedtime story.

  • Deserving: Stockholm Syndrome, Lima Syndrome, and institutionalized sexual exploitation are an acceptable emotional foundation for starting a family.

  • Distance Wakes The Heart Up: It only takes a weekend away for your family to completely lose their goddamn minds!

  • Don't Cry For Me, I've Already Wilted: Don't show anyone kindness, because they could be an evil monster waiting to corrupt you onto their side.

  • The Dragon and the Bow: All Arranged Marriages are Perfectly Arranged Marriages.

  • The Dragon and the Butterfly Saga

  • El Encanto A Travez de mis Flores: No matter what you do or say, there will always be someone who will conspire to destroy everyone and everything you love.

  • Enchanted Miracle Pretty Cure: Always trust random girls who fall out of the sky!

  • Extended Family is Still Family: Kindness is just a by-product of pity.

  • Fantasia Times:
    • You're allowed to get away with literally everything if you're the protagonist or if the protagonist likes you.
    • Poking fun at your friends on occasion is an unforgivable sin and you must be put through countless punishments and abuses before you can even begin to atone for it. On the flip side, regicide is A-OK as long as you have a sufficiently tragic backstory.
    • Your problems are more important than everyone else's, and if your friends don't drop everything to take care of/fret over you then they're horrible friends.
    • Choose your own fate, and don't stubbornly stick to tradition. Unless fate/tradition dictates that you must become the new ruler of a kingdom or have a specific person as your love interest.
    • There is no such thing as Amicable Exes. If your boyfriend breaks up with you, it's because he's finally revealing his true colors as a traitor and enemy to your homeland.
    • Female villains are more capable of redemption than their male equivalent, but their redemption must always include some form of servitude towards a main character.

  • For the Want of a Nail Series:
    • Mastermind: Strategist for Hire:
      • The only rational course of action for minorities is to become a career-criminal because they have zero hope of any alternatives.
      • McDonald's won't hire you if you don't have some inherent gift and have superpowers. Those are sorely needed in minimum wage.
    • Deku? I think he's some pro...: Never meet your heroes. They don't care about what you can do, only what you can't do, and they'll lord it over you until you give up.
    • Viridian: The Green Guide: All teachers are bullies that pick on their weak students same as their student bullies.

  • Fragile; Handle with Care: Don't go outside in the rain, or you will instantly get sick.

  • Freaky Fabulous Pretty Cure:
    • Don't worry if you find a random zombie dog in your locker; they'll give you superpowers!
    • If you hear a weird voice in your school's cellar, you, a fifteen year old girl, are the most qualified person to deal with it.

  • Fur And Photography: Nearly getting mauled to death by a wild animal is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

  • Glitter Force: Into the Glitterverse: Anime dubs suck!

  • Guiding Light (AuroraRose2081): Reconnecting with a long-lost relative isn't a good enough reason to shirk back-breaking labor for even a second.

  • Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality:
    • Following the Scientific Method turns you into a Jerkass.
    • Alternately, learning how to use the scientific method makes you smarter than people shouting gobbledygook and Canis Latinicus and gives you a reason to to be a Jerkass. It's not your fault they're less educated.
    • Furthermore, following the Scientific Method will make you want to become God and TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE, MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!
    • Biting teachers is okay when they're proven wrong.

  • Heroes in the Shadows: If adopting your greatest enemy's son led to death and destruction the first time, the next time it will be worth it.

  • ⫚ - His Daughters, The Miracles of the family: The sins of the father are yours to be blamed for.

  • How I Became Yours:
    • If you are in a position of power, you will not have any responsibilities whatsoever. You are perfectly able to spend months abandoning your duties on a lavish estate without any consequences whatsoever.
    • It is perfectly all right to abuse your wife if she dares to get upset about you cheating on her.
    • The only acceptable way to move on after losing a child is to make a new one with the same name.

  • How Far Do These Roots Go Down?: The reason why a family member hates you is beyond your control and you have no way to fix this.

  • The Inevitable Undoing of William Murderface:
    • it is possible for an odd-looking, self-loathing, Type A Tsundere to find love with someone who is attractive, kind-hearted, and sexually compatible, but only if the love interest in question has a Cartwright Curse.
    • Alternately, making persistent sexual advances on a lonely, emotionally distraught person with serious self-esteem issues is perfectly okay if you're the Uke in the relationship.

  • Infinity Train: Blossomverse:
    • General
    • Infinity Train: Blossoming Trail:
      • Anyone can be a betrayal fic protagonist, until they are betrayed by their series' popular protagonist. Then they face backlash.
      • "Betrayal" means taking someone at their word when they say they aren't interested in doing something with you.
      • What is and isn't an obsession depends entirely on whether or not the protagonist likes it.
    • Infinity Train: Seeker of Crocus:
      • Upon meeting a new person, under no circumstances should you bring up your own interests for fear of alienating them. Instead, only offer up activities that they would enjoy.
      • You can make an unsympathetic protagonist sympathetic by simply throwing characters under the bus.
      • Giving a neutral response to something you've done over and over for months, if not years, means you're unappreciative.
      • If you're a special needs student who has submitted written documents for special accommodations, and this system is working for you, don't EVER use it if one particular student feels neglected because of it.
    • Orange Rose Gathering:
      • The best way to improve an unpopular protagonist is make her attracted to the main character.
      • Wild teen antics are more effective than therapy to help someone with their problems.
      • Crossovers are improved by removing the crossover part.

  • Inheritance (Worm):
    • All your problems in life can be solved by joining a gang of drug users and mass murders who wear their victims' bones. Just make sure you also commit several felonies rather than just hang around.
    • A city is best protected by mass murderers, drug dealers, and cannibals rather than let the actual proper authorities handle things.
    • If your father expresses concern after watching you literally rip a man apart, he just doesn't "get you" and needs to accept who you are.

  • Intercom:

  • The Karma of Lies: Known manipulators who deliberately ruin the lives of everyone around them for their own personal comfort only deserve a stern warning as punishment for doing so. Conversely, their victims and people who naively think that they can change for the better deserve to have their lives thoroughly ruined for daring to put their trust in the manipulator.

  • Kedabory's Elmore Chronicles:
    • If your brother wants to live a different life, disown him immediately and hold that grudge for the rest of your life.
    • If your daughter shows any traits that remind you of your disowned siblings, that's a free pass to resent her and try and force her to change her personality.

  • Kedabory's Muppet Mania: All theatre shows are better with explosions and mayhem. Keeps the audience on their toes.

  • Know Thyself: the Prelude/Know Thyself: Being raised in an abusive household makes you Conditioned to Accept Horror and thus makes you the perfect candidate in a human resistance in a Cyberpunk post-apocalypse.

  • La polilla y la mariposa: Heaping all of their problems onto you is all family does.

  • The Last War:
    • It's not Domestic Abuse if the hero does it.
    • It's better to have stayed with your abusive family, ignorant of your true heritage and never having met your true love, if that world is less than perfect.
    • Murder is okay if he was a Jerkass.
    • Redheads are just evil.

  • Later, Traitor:
    • It's every man for himself in the US Army.
    • Destroying people's priceless possessions is okay.

  • Learning How to Be a Princess:
    • Dictatorships are fine if the dictator's home life is hilarious.
    • Don't bully children because your victim's parents could have you tortured and killed for your behavior if the kid wasn't feeling merciful.

  • Legacy (DocSuess): Being rich sucks.

  • Level Up (MHA): Listen to the pop-ups in her head, they know what's best.

  • Lucki: If a terrorist saves your life, you have no right to ever be mad at him or to disapprove of his other actions.

  • Luz Belos: Princess of the Boiling Isles: All schoolgirls are lesbians or bi-curious.

  • Luz Clawthorne:
    • All lesbians are Butch Lesbians.
    • All those who rebel against injustice give up and give in eventually.

  • Ma Fille: Life, parenthood, and growing up all suck.

  • Maple Sugar Pretty Cure: Thirteen year olds are qualified to fight giant monsters.

  • Marriage of Heaven and Hell:

  • Martyshka: If your child is kidnapped, that's because your child wouldn't have been safe with you.

  • The Matrix Rewinds: Cheating on your girlfriend? Offer them both a spot as a harem and she'll be cool with that.

  • Mean Rabbit: The system will beat you down whether you let it or fight against it and everyone will hate you for it.

  • A Mother's Love: A mother who acts overprotective and annoying deserves to be derailed into an abusive, hateful shrew who hurts her innocent children, then get killed for it.

  • The Mouse in the Walls: Weirdos should only be allowed companionship with other weirdos. That way the desirables don't have to interact with the undesirables.

  • Movie Night At Freddy's:
    • If a screening of a god-awful Direct-to-DVD movie results in your near death, you should totally risk your life to go back into the same situation just so you can find out what they were thinking instead of learning from that experience.
    • It's perfectly okay to sever a long-lasting friendship over getting less screentime and lower billing than your friend. It's not the fault of awful writing, it's their fault!
    • For the movie-within-the-fanfic: If you're stuck in a life-or-death situation, the most effective way to escape fully intact is by singing a musical number!

  • My Brave Pony: Starfleet Magic:
    • If you want to deconstruct what you consider to be the problematic philosophy behind a popular work of fiction while promoting your own beliefs, pick either something easily mockable (The Twilight Saga and Sword of Truth are popular) or something in which the characters, in canon, are less interesting and well-developed than the exponents of your philosophy. If you attempt to destroy the Faust's house with the Faust's tools, there's a strong chance you'll just wind up looking inept by comparison, which will not help your case.
    • The Power of Friendship is just a stupid Deus ex machina! Just use belief instead, that's totally not the same thing!

  • My Driver Academia
    • Aliens arriving on Earth and forming an alternate power source than biological superpowers makes everyone more jerkish.
    • If you want a sexy alien weapon partner, go find the local Evil Overlord and have him cripple you first. That makes the process easier.

  • My Immortal:
    • Goths are horrible, horrible people. Also Christians (example: Snape Snap) are all incompetent villains who side with people that masticate to naked 17 year old girls.
    • Sexual tension can be released by masticating.
    • The best way to beat a Preppy Alpha Bitch is to become a bitch yourself.
    • The best way to run a shop catering to a specific subculture is to hold back stock and only let 'real' members of the subculture see it. That won't negatively impact sales at all.
    • To defeat the Big Bad, shout the name of someone's pet cat at him.
    • Even if you're a band's biggest fan, you won't be able to tell the band members apart from the villains in a Paper-Thin Disguise.
    • Eating Count Chocula with blood instead of milk makes you cool and edgy.
    • To be part of a subculture, you must have been a member of that subculture for as long as anyone can remember (or cares about). Anybody new who tries to join is a poser who should be mocked.
    • Headaches can cause complete Character Derailment.
    • Self-harm is a fun group activity.

  • New Girl (mortimermcmirestinks): Altering the space-time continuum to your specifications is the responsible thing to do.
  • The Night Unfurls:
    • Coping with PTSD is cool, edgy, badass, and manly.
    • The ideal ruler should be someone who is worshipped as a god, as well as being in power without an expiration date.
    • The ideal mentor should be someone who kicks your ass all the time while disguised as an eldritch horror.
    • Reading someone's diary without that person's permission helps you understand that person better, privacy be damned.
    • Problems abound when women are in power. It ends up with some guy rebelling with the vision of a Sex Slave Empire.
    • All men are warmongering thugs, rapists, and slavers. Double points if a man is fat or old. That one edgelord who is celibate? He's secretly an eldritch horror, so he's not a real man.
    • In war, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.
    • Theft, executing prisoners, torture, solitary confinement, and Mind Rape are all acceptable as long as the good guys are the ones doing it.
    • It's completely okay to suddenly appear in someone's personal quarters without permission.
    • Being celibate does nothing but encourage other suitors from vying for your affection.
  • no grave can hold my body down: Patriarchal religions are wrong and matriarchal religions are right.

  • Nobody Dies: Rape is okay—hilarious, in fact—if you're a female sociopath.

  • The Norse Hero: Fenrir: Being the strongest really makes you better than everyone.

  • Null and Void (NevaraRaven): You Can't Get Away with Nuthin'. Try to be exceptional? The world will tell you that you can't. Try to be inconspicuous? Everyone will draw attention to you. You just can't win a Rigged Contest, so don't even bother.

  • Nuzlocke Comics:
    • There are two main explanations for why Trainers continue their journeys despite constantly losing their close friends:
      • Heroic Willpower makes you extremely good at either ignoring or repressing severe emotional trauma, even from a young age.
      • The wilds are so cruel, so brutal and so uncompromising to the weak that wild-animals-turned-pets would rather remain pets and face criminal masterminds and Olympus Mons than go back. At least here someone notices if they live or die.

  • Nymph and the Corrupted Miraculous: Getting crippled makes you sexy and popular.

  • Of Quirks and Magic: If someone has a latent ability or skill that makes them look stereotypically "scary" and "evil" by comparison, they will eventually prove you right.

  • Once Upon a December Night: The sewers are the perfect place to raise an adolescent girl.

  • Open For All: Teachers don't stop bullying. They only care if you fight back and then it is all your fault.

  • Ordinary Girl:
    • Kidnap victims have to prove themselves to the kidnappers or else they're the bad guys.
    • Be patient and your abusers will eventually become nice all on their own.

  • Pattycakes:
    • Cult leaders who take days to brainwash people are pussies; if you're serious about it, you can do it in an afternoon.
    • When it comes to having a child, mindraping an adult is easier than adoption or dating.
      • The best people to do this is your close friends. If they don't want to, do it anyway and force them to see how great it is.
    • Destroying your closest friend's mind with psychological torture and drugs is the best decision you will ever make.
    • Pharmacists will gladly help you create a drug with abuse potential that makes GHB look like paracetamol. You probably won't even have to pay.
    • You'll never know who's into the same things that you are unless you randomly ask every adult in your town to try it.
    • People who share a kink with you will gladly help you run a teenager through a gauntlet of "tests" dotted with the risk of Mind Rape.
    • If someone doesn't grasp and agree with a philosophy you never bothered to explain clearly, it's OK to drug them in such a way that it permanently regresses them into an infant. This even applies to people in their early teens.
    • If you're into age play, you're a sick and twisted soul who will sink to any depths to indulge your fetish.
    • Don't pick up chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers.
    • Feature-length movies should not have 18 different plots.

  • Peta Parker:
    • If you survive a bombing and you didn't need direct rescuing, then expect to take the blame for it.
    • All lesbians are also drag-kings.

  • A Pink Planet: Absolute monarchies are fine as long as the monarch is nice.

  • Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies: Unhinged sexually obsessed manchildren are better at ending wars than professional superbeing soldiers. At least when they actually care enough to do something about it instead of tormenting their superior.

  • Pokemon: Shadow of Time: If your father left you and your mom when you were young, you should not feel love or lust. If you do, you should hate yourself and promptly begin to slam your face into a wall until you stop so you don't end up like your father.

  • Ponies of Olympus: Atlas' Strongest Tournament: If you ever walk in on your boyfriend and best friend having sex, you should make sure he's not actually raping her before storming out.

  • Pokéumans:
    • Since the whole problem would have been avoided if the original Pokemon just hadn't made families with the humans who would then treat them like crap, never stick your dick in crazy.
    • You and a bunch of roommates can easily save an entire base of people from an army of bad guys. Don't go to the police, they just suck.
      • If you're female, though, your best bet is to join said police force and raise the competance of your whole branch by several levels.
      • Joining the police is generally a terrible idea; you may as well be Chaotic Good.
      • Training young kids and teenagers to be professional attackers, infiltrators, spies and general soldiers is only wrong when the bad guys do it. (This one actually has been discussed in various stories. Brainwashing does make a difference.)
    • You should either totally and utterly embrace a principle with joy or have massive angst and personal drama over the whole issue. Sitting on the fence about it is for pussies.
    • Screw the Mutant Draft Board! Those guys who told you that if you leave the base you'll be attacked, captured and brainwashed are clearly lying and out to take everything good you ever had in your life! It is your unalienable right to leave by any means and return to your family, even if you just accepted that there's a Replacement Goldfish there now.
    • For the good guys, the only reason humanity was still around is because it's not worth super-humanity's time to overpower them. For the bad guys, the only reason humanity is still around is other super-humans. Magneto was a hero to us all.
    • Stalking is fine so long as it's apprentice-to-mentor.
      • A perfectly acceptable way to get someone to take you as an apprentice is to refuse to leave until they accept you, even when they've already politely refused and are 'embarrassed beyond belief'.
    • Never ever ever trust anyone: if they aren't a spy, they're a brainwashed clone or Manchurian Agent. And this is a series set in the real world.
    • If you are a furry, you now have to go into hiding or get killed by the local genocide organization hiding amongst normal society.

  • The Queen's Mercy:

  • Razputin Vodello AU:
    • If you're a Troubled Child, you're probably a supervillain just waiting to happen.
    • Sisters kissing is funny and sweet if they aren't related.

  • Reunion Falls: Eating too much sugar just might save your soul.

  • Sacrifice (Ravenshell): People will only like you if they get something out of it.

  • Sailor Moon: American Kitsune:
    • Killing homosexuals is right as long as they made you suffer.
    • Incest is really acceptable.
    • Becoming a furry with a cybernetic arm that possesses any powers you want, thus putting Kamen Rider Decade, Mega Man and the Gokaigers to shame makes you totally awesome and cool, even if you use your powers for killing gay people for no other reason than being bullied.
    • Women will flock to a person with a Story-Breaker Power and said guy with love them equally no question asked.
    • Who needs parents when you have a harem?

  • Same Difference:
    • Killing a woman's husband automatically makes her yours.
    • Murder really is the best option.

  • The Seer and His Butterfly: If a girl fails to woo you, they will hold it against you, your family and your children for the rest of your life.

  • Shards of a Memory: If your parents won't let you murder someone, that means they never loved you.

  • Shinji And Warhammer 40 K:
    • Having multiple personalities since before you were a teenager doesn't make you mentally unstable, it makes you a reality-shattering badass. And if those other personalities tell you to enslave others to your will because they'd be much happier that way, do so immediately. Heck, if you don't, some of your would-be victims will force it on you anyway.
    • The only way to prevent the end of the world is to inspire everyone, everywhere, to become fanatical religious zealots willing to annihilate all that opposes you by any means necessary.
      • Well, if you lived in the Imperium of Man, this fic would pretty much be the Saturday morning cartoon you watched as a kid.

  • Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox and the Thievius raccoonus: The best kind of relationship is when your significant other is just like you, but with tits.

  • Snowdrop (2013):
    • Got a major school project coming up, one you'll be presenting to VIPs at some major event? Feel free to leave it until the last minute; you'll surely come up with something great.
    • There's no reason a blind child can't walk home from school alone - even in the middle of a major blizzard and in a city floating thousands of feet in the air.
    • Don't bother to discipline or otherwise confront kids who are trash-talking a classmate over her disability. She'll do something inspirational soon enough, then they'll eat their words.
    • Being Inspirationally Disadvantaged is way better than not having the disability in question, regardless of what limitations one might be facing.

  • A Special Kind of Magic: Wi-Fi can cure any kind of angst.

  • Stray:
    • Sociopaths make surprisingly good boyfriends.
    • This also applies to Dexter. Or at least it used to.

  • Switcheroo AU: Your angst is hilarious.

  • A Thing of Vikings:

  • Three Months a Fox: People of different races can't get along with each other. EVER.

  • Through the crack in the wall: The best kind of friend you could hope for when you're a minor is that creepy middle-aged man secretly living in your house without your parent's knowledge.

  • The Two Seers: If your talent isn't profitable for everyone else, you are thus disposable to everyone.

  • Unlimited: Being super in-shape, impossible to hurt, unbeatable in every way that counts, looked at with admiration by people that owe you their lives and being moderately good-looking really sucks.

  • We Are Only Animals:
    • Being gay gives you free license to be racist and kill people who you think are getting in the way of your relationship.
    • Concepts are NOT cheap.
    • Dad has high expectations for you that would get in the way of your relationship? Kill him.
    • Becoming a mafia boss is better than being in an arranged marriage.
    • Are you set to take on an important government role that could let you help fix problems you've noticed in society? FUCK THAT SHIT! Instead, kill some people and run off with your love interest while society falls into complete shambles around you!

  • where the dandylions play: Its your family's fault if your talents aren't useful. Just get away from them and things will work out.

  • Whispered Tribulation: Your teachers are out to get you.

  • The Wizard and the Huntress: Racism is dead. You're just being Improperly Paranoid.

  • The Wolves in the Woods (Miraculous Ladybug):
    • Is your best friend a courageous and kind person who's willing to defend you from bullies and lend you a shoulder to cry on? Then ditch her ASAP; she's actually a Manipulative Bitch False Friend who’s only doing all of that to keep you dependent on her for as long as possible, and she'll try and tear you down the moment you start gaining confidence.
    • Conversely, the new girl who's been manipulating all your friends and turning them against you, thus enabling your ex-best friend's behavior? She has higher moral standards than your ex-best friend, and once she's realized she's gone too far and has nothing to gain, she'll apologize to you and try to make amends. If your ex-best friend is at all mad about this, it's only because she's refusing to accept responsibility for her own actions; after all, she took advantage of the new girl's manipulations to drag you down further.
    • Never try to solve your own problems. If you wait long enough, a bunch of new people with awesome powers will come in and make further progress than you did in dealing with them, whether it's dealing with bullies at school or taking down a supervillain.

     General Fandom Fan Works 
  • Harry Potter:
    • The teacher who keeps some things secret from you for your own good is worse than the mass-murdering terrorist who specifically wants you dead.
    • The government is not only corrupt, but is exactly as bad as said mass-murdering terrorist.
    • Ayn Rand was right!
    • Redheads don’t deserve to be loved. After all, they’re evil schemers who desire to steal the wealth and fame of worthy people.
    • The hero’s best friend who is normal by comparison and ends up with the female lead at the end is actually a total idiot who can’t do anything right and has no personality other than hating the hero’s success, and therefore the hero is perfectly justified in berating and assaulting him at every turn.
    • The hero’s actual Love Interest is nothing more than a delusional fangirl Loving a Shadow, regardless of her canonical characterization. Oh, and the fact that she and the hero’s mother both have red hair gives the relationship Oedipal issues, despite them otherwise looking nothing alike.
    • Every bad person is prejudiced against the same things. There is no such thing as diverse opinions. Every person who is bad is bad in the same way.
    • Your headmaster is simultaneously in control of everything and has control of society, and can be foiled by a single brilliant, super awesome, never wrong kid in glasses and his couple of friends. Defeating, usually killing, such a person does not lead to complete mayhem.
  • How to Train Your Dragon:
  • Life Is Strange: Fanfiction is a great way to retcon endings you don't like.
  • The Loud House:
    • If you feel left out or think that you family hates you, it's completely reasonable to run away from home. This will make them automatically feel sorry for "mistreating" you, there is always going to be a kind soul to help you and your family will find you and everything is going to return to normal but better.
    • If your sister is close to you, this mean she has romantic feelings for you and you have to accept it since she can be a Yandere. It's a bonus if all of your sisters are in love with you.
    • Fucking your sisters is every 12-year-old boy's dream.
      • Having ten sisters is another word for 'harem'.
  • Miraculous Ladybug:
    • The girl who's stuck by you through thick and thin will turn on you and bully you the second a stranger tells her to. Conversely, the Alpha Bitch who has bullied you all your life and who's actively worked with a terrorist is great new best friend material.
    • All teachers are useless doormats who will cater to the bullies and punish you for daring to upset the status quo.
    • The best way to fix bad characterization in a show is to do the opposite of what the show does. Ergo, if a female character is constantly blamed and punished for everything and a male character is never taken to task for his flaws, reverse their positions in your fic instead of giving either of them actual Character Development! You won't be criticized for doing this because everyone will agree that both characters deserve what you give them.
    • Forgiveness is for spineless pussies.
      • So is giving people the benefit of the doubt.
    • There’s no such thing as innocent until proven guilty. If someone you know starts accusing the new girl of being a Manipulative Bitch over bragging stories and claims of disability, you should believe the accuser, no questions asked, even if the one being accused has done nothing wrong in public and never pointed the finger first.
    • It’s wrong to ask an accuser for proof of guilt before declaring the accused guilty. At the same time, it’s perfectly okay to assume a sweet, polite girl is a Bitch in Sheep's Clothing lying about herself simply because a friend says so.
    • Believing over-the-top stories and not questioning claims of disability makes you a Super Gullible False Friend who is capable of bullying and harassment.
    • Not believing baseless accusations from a long-time friend towards someone you barely know means you’ll definitely believe the accusations when the roles are reversed.
    • If your friends don’t take your side right away for the first time ever, you’re perfectly justified in dropping them like stones. Who cares if you’ve overreacted about stuff in the past, or if you’re accusing someone you barely know without proof? Your friends are in the wrong for not listening to you call a seemingly Nice Girl a liar over a seating chart!
    • If you are the protagonist, your class literally can only function because of you. If you cut them off after they annoy you, their lives will completely fall apart without their "everyday Ladybug".
    • There's no such thing as having multiple flawed characters, especially when it comes to protagonists. Ergo, if one protagonist is to be portrayed as completely flawless, then the other must be completely derailed into either a hypocritical Control Freak Yandere or a spineless Control Freak Entitled Bastard. Additionally, all side characters must either blindly follow the "flawless" protagonist without question or get derailed into one-dimensional assholes and naysayers who deserve a horrible fate.
  • My Hero Academia
    • Telling a kid that being a hero is very dangerous and he should consider something else that isn't as dangerous, especially for someone without powers, is the absolute worst thing you can do and is a Moral Event Horizon.
    • Extremely crippling injuries that are plainly visible and verge on Body Horror are no excuse for answering honest questions honestly.
    • 'Heroes' cannot change for the better, no matter how hard they try. Redemption is impossible for jerks.
      • Homicidal villains with a body count can change easily, just be nice to them.
    • The homicidal villains are the real victims. Their victims all clearly deserved being drained of blood like a juice box or set on fire.
    • When a hero comes across a scenario that their specific set of superpowers are not suited for, they should rush in anyway regardless of their personal safety, physics, or the well being of bystanders. If they don't do this, they aren't really heroes and deserved to be chewed out and made laughing stocks.
    • The protagonist's red shoes are in fact forms of discrimination and mark him as 'other'.
  • My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic:
    • Lesbian romance is the best medicine.
    • Being brainwashed is no excuse for your actions if you don't stand up for your sister. She has no reason to forgive you even if she saw you being brainwashed with her own two eyes.
    • All of your close friends are secretly depraved mass murderers.
  • Naruto:
    • Remember, Shrinking Violet, the only way you'll get your object of affections to notice you, is to wear virtually nothing. It's okay to mock him if he doesn't notice.
    • Remember: never defend yourself despite the fact that you're being blamed for something you never did. Don't forget to forgive them too.
    • Don't forget to hide our son's heritage so my enemies won't gets since he isn't strong or old enough and don't forget to do nothing and cry while the said fellow villagers are beating him within an inch of his life.
      • Or arrive late after said beating.
    • Remember refusing to like the stronger protagonist makes her a whore because she doesn't give up on her first love.
      • And immediately liking the stronger protagonist doesn't, despite the fact that protagonist just beat her first love.
    • The leader is a glorified figurehead that does all the paperwork.
    • Dobe (Deadlast, Bottom Feeder) is an excellent nickname for someone.
    • Don't like Naruto's orange outfit? Burn it.
      • Orange jumpsuits are clearly just means to try and get people you don't like killed. There is no other reason to sell one.
  • Pokémon:
    • If you don't win a tournament where hundreds from all over the world compete for the title after a few tries, but consistently place highly each time you do, your friends will try to kill you because you make them look bad. Bronze and silver medals in particular justify attempted murder.
    • If you aren't the best at what you do, you shouldn't keep trying even if you are actually pretty good at it.
  • Puella Magi Madoka Magica:
    • The entire cast is gay, mathematical statistics about the human population and anything in canon that says otherwise be damned. The only time that you should even think about pairing a girl with a guy is if the only other girls to pair her with are elementary school students, as the onlything worse than heterosexual pairings are pedophilic ones. Even then, it is better to default to crack pairings or polygamy than daring to pair anyone with a guy.
    • When the girl with no social skills needs to get others to not do things, doing the exact same thing canon shows will break them is the solution. After all, clearly if they were smarter they wouldn't break.
  • A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones:
    • The lives of hundreds of unnamed background characters don't really matter as long as the main characters (aka the ones whom the author prefers) are alive and well.
    • Arranged Marriage is awesome and characters who are even wary of it are total idiots. Unless it's with a character who is not cool enough for whatever reason, in which case those who have arranged it are stupid and uncaring.
    • If you are from the North, you are a boorish idiot who does nothing right or a saintly genius who is never mistaken. There's no middle ground.
    • A twelve-year-old girl scared of a drunken Blood Knight who makes lecherous comments about her is obviously just being stupid, judgmental and immature. She is likewise being stupid, judgmental and immature if she protests against a Forced Marriage with one of her family's enemies.
    • Kissing Cousins is great.
    • Betrayals, murders and all sorts of crimes must be Easily Forgiven and instantly forgotten about, as long as the character involved is cool enough. Anyone who won't forgive and forget is evil and untrustworthy.
    • If your uncle, who willingly damaged his own personal honor, relationship with his bannermen, and left a permanent thorn in his marriage by claiming you as his son and raising you as such, but he also doesn't plan to reinstate you to leadership of the entire continent, he doesn't really love you. True love can only be displayed by putting you on the throne as King, nothing else will do.
    • Any Unequal Pairing and/or Crack Pairing can be interpreted as a highly advantageous match if you squint. Those who can't understand it are silly.
    • The Targaryens are always in the right. There is no point where they are in the wrong, and rebelling against them or resisting them is wrong.
      • If a Targaryen does anything wrong, it is someone else's fault. The king didn't actually burn your father and brother alive and called to kill you and your best friend for no reason, he was just driven crazy by the Maesters/Bloodraven/some other person. It's not his fault and you shouldn't rebel against him.
      • The Targaryen is the only victim here. Anyone they hurt or threaten during this time is not justified in reacting to a threat to their well being by defending themselves.
      • Only bad people oppose the Targaryens. There is no reasonable reason to dislike them for anything they do. Once your sister says she wasn't abducted, you don't need to worry about it and there are no long term consequences.
    • If your boss's daughter (your boss being the king) forces you to sleep with her (and break your vow of chastity to boot), you are in the wrong. If you try to salvage at least the damage to your honor and self-respect and offer her a legal marriage in another country, only to be rebuffed because she really only needs you as a Lust Object, you are doubly in the wrong. And if, after all that, you switch your allegiance to your boss's wife, you are so in the wrong you don't deserve to exist.
    • Andals are inferior to the Valyrians, First Men, and Dornish-Rhoynar in every possible way. Their morals are wrong, their religion is wrong, their values are wrong, they are just wrong. Andals should either listen and behave just like the three better racial groups or just go away and let them handle things. Andals dominating Westeros was the greatest tragedy in history and responsible for every problem in the series.
  • Total Drama:
    • Nobody likes fat people. Or ugly girls, and if an ugly girl has a more attractive friend then the friend would just be seen as being weighed down by said ugly girl.
    • Homeschoolers and muscley girls suck, and are doomed to fail regardless of what happens. Deadpan Snarkers, on the other hand, can escape predetermination.
    • Alternately: Homeschoolers are perfect, innocent angels. If somebody acts negatively towards another person and that person is homeschooled, assume that they're wrong and they only hate them for a petty grudge.
    • Girls who are not trophy girlfriends are either mentally unstable sociopaths, manipulative jerks, or unimportant to society.
    • There's no such thing as a standard breakup, or even bumpy parts in a relationship. Couples that don't along perfectly are doomed to fail, and in that case one person involved always turns into a psychopath.
  • Worm:
    • Godlike alien supercomputers that exist to gather as much information as possible will completely shut down when presented with something new. Even if it's functionally the same as what they already had, just using a different power source.

Alternative Title(s): Fanfic

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