"Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I’m not particularly good
at violence, but I’m good at convincing others
to do violence for
me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe
, and she was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes...I can still see her tits bouncing. When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle’s boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. The poor boy was flogged, and I escaped justice. When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry into
the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate — at least, I hope
she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel—"