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"who's". The rest is good.

Like this? Or where you referring to the spelling of "who is"?

The Last Dragon

• Hilarious in Hindsight: A 1985 film which features a slightly robotic protagonist proficient in martial arts who's in possession of a medallion, and who is surrounded by a cast of much more conspicuous characters. It's practically Shenmue long before it was even an idea.

You got it right. That version's good.

I want to make a change in Master Swordsman.

• Fire Emblem:
  • In general, the Myrmidon and the Swordmaster class are portrayed as unparalleled fighters known for their speed and grace. In addition to wielding all types of swords, several games grant them either extra critical hit rate and/or damage output to complement their status. Since the inclusion of skills, the Swordmaster class is associated with the Astra skill.
  • Ayra, Shannan, Larcei, and Scáthach in Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War belong to the Od bloodline, known for their swordsmanship and the legendary technique, Astra. Their lineage allow their exalted, like Shannan, to wield Balmung, one of the twelve Holy Weapons wielded by their ancestor that ended the Holy War against the Loptous Empire.
  • Karel from Fire Emblem: The Binding Blade and Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade. In Blazing Blade, he's reviled and admired as the infamous 'Sword Demon', but, after the death of his sister, he becomes Older and Wiser by the time the events of Binding Blade occur, and changes his title to 'Sword Saint'.
  • Greil in Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance was once a mighty swordsman and the renowned general of Daein under the name "Gawain." However, he gave up the sword when he cut his tendon in his sword arm out of guilt of murdering his wife in a chaos-infused madness. He has since passed down his sword technique to his son, Ike, and his pupil, now known as the Black Knight.
  • In Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, Altina, one of Ashera's Three Heroes and sole Beorc of the group, was revealed to have wielded both Ragnell and Alondite when Ike and the Black Knight, respectively, could only wield one.

Edited by mariovsonic999 on May 2nd 2021 at 1:02:45 AM

I Guess I Became The Mother Of The Great Demon King's 10 Children In Another World

• Half-Identical Twins: Trois and his twin sister Quatre are nearly identical to each other except they have different hairstyles.
• Irrational Hatred: Like her father, Quatre hates Albert so much since she was an infant. Quatre's hatred start when he separate her from her twin brother when he tries to be a better father figure to her. Quatre strongly dislikes Albert's cheerful and carefree personality towards her.
• Numerical Theme Naming: Akari names her children by a number in French by the order they were born (except Akari's first child An, where she got her name from combined her and Gran's names): Deux (Two), Trois (Three), Quatre (Four) and Cinq (Five).
• Polar Opposite Twins: Trois is a gloomy, crybaby and has a dark aura around him that it attract insects a while his sister is courageous, naughty and grumpy personality.

Edited by Stardust120 on May 2nd 2021 at 10:34:34 AM

Here are a few examples I would like to have looked at.

1. A revision to an example on Characters.Necromunda (I can't remember if I posted this before, but have tweaked it again anyway):

• Dumb Muscle: All Vatborn members of House Goliath have had their strength and toughness greatly increased by gene-smithing and stimm-enhancement at the cost of their intelligence. While their intelligence has increased since they freed themselves from slavery, the House Alphas continue to mistrust and discourage intelligence amongst the Vatborn, purging any that show an unusually high intellect. In the game, Goliath fighters have a lower Intelligence characteristic and higher Strength than comparative warriors from other Houses.

2. A slight rewrite to one of Valkia's examples on Characters.Warhammer Age Of Sigmar Grand Alliance Chaos

• Purposely Overpowered: In order to represent her position as one of Khorne's favourite warriors, Valkia’s White Dwarf exclusive rules for the board game Gorechosen were intentionally written to make her the most powerful model in the game. The magazine suggests using the Gore Queen as a Crutch Character for inexperienced players or as the objective of a variant Kingslayer match against multiple opponents.

3. A small rewrite of an example from Szeras' section on Characters.Warhammer 40000 Necrons:

• Spider People: Szeras’ highly customised android body sports four, spider-like legs that allow him to move faster than his bipedal fellows.

"four, spider-like legs" needs no comma. "as the objective of a variant Kingslayer match" is a bit unclear to people who aren't familiar with the game's rules. Otherwise, it's good to go.

Cool, thanks again I will see if I can rewrite the Kingslayer bit to make it clearer.

@ Thrown from the Zeppelin

• In The Pink Panther film Inspector Clouseau, two criminals decline to take part in The Heist due to feeling it's overcomplicated. Their boss acts sympathetic and convinces them to handle a smaller job for him: kidnapping Clouseau. However when they go to kidnap Clouseau, the two are murdered by another criminal and evidence is planted on their bodies to manipulate the detective.

• Death By Sex: Referenced when Castle mentions how having sex in horror movies is usually fatal refusing to have sex with Beckett during the period where he's supposedly been cursed to die.
• Gilligan Cut: Castle (who believes he's been cursed to die) comments that a good night's sleep might help him solve the case. The camera then cuts to him still awake at 3:12 a.m.

Edited by Melinda on May 2nd 2021 at 3:32:35 AM

Melinda: The first entry needs the comma after "Pink Panther film" to be removed. The phrasing "Instead, the two are murdered..." is awkward, since you don't explain instead of what, or murdered by whom. Yeah, from context things are clear, but the phrasing is still clumsy.

"Castle mentions this trope" is not enough context. Saying "Castle does this trope" or "Castle mentions this trope" isn't good; you need to write things out.

"negotiate to pass the Wall" is unclear. Did they manage to succeed in their negotiations?

The negotiation to cross the Wall succeeds so I'll put "Successfully" before the word negotiate.

@ Thrown from the Zeppelin

• In The Pink Panther film Inspector Clouseau, two criminals decline to take part in The Heist due to feeling it's overcomplicated. Their boss acts sympathetic and convinces them to handle a smaller job for him: kidnapping Clouseau. However when they go to kidnap Clouseau, the two are murdered by another criminal and evidence is planted on their bodies to manipulate the detective.

• Death By Sex: Referenced when Castle mentions how having sex in horror movies is usually fatal and refuses to have sex with Beckett during the period where Castle's supposedly been cursed to die.

Edited by Melinda on May 2nd 2021 at 3:55:50 AM

Melinda: Again, the first entry needs the comma after "Pink Panther film" to be removed. Also, a comma needs to be after "However".

"Referenced when Castle mentions how having sex in horror movies is usually fatal and' refusing to have sex with Beckett during the period where Castle's supposedly been cursed to die."

Sorry. I did remove the comma up there but forgot to do so copying and pasting it to the second post.

Also, for the Castle entry, I think refusing should be refuses with the word change. Sorry for missing that.

Edited by Melinda on May 2nd 2021 at 3:52:47 AM

Oh yeah, you're right. "Refuses" works better.

That's ok. I missed it first and we were focusing on the changes to the first half of the sentence.

• Your Throne

• Eye Scream: Perion after losing a beat to Medea that if she beat him in a duel he'd take our his eye, uses a sword to cut out one of his eyes.
• Would Hurt a Child: Marquess Horen is a savage Serial Killer of children and has them caged and whipped to death to take out his frustrations.

"After Perion loses a bet to Medea, where he promised that he'd take out his eye if she beat him in a duel, he uses a sword to cut out one of his eyes."

The other one is fine.

An Apple For The Teacher

• Adult Fear: The adult demons who know about Iruma's upbringing are genuinely concern about him and his well-being since he's still scarred from the abuse and neglect from his parents, and the inaction and apathy from his teachers and employers. Sullivan, Opera, and Kalego do what they can to ensure Iruma is well adjust to his new home environment and that he has a good education in Babyls.
• Asshole Victims: It's hard to feel bad for Iruma's former human teachers and employers once Sullivan reveals that he placed a curse on each on them, but considering that the former didn't help Iruma and stop his parents from hurting him and the latter hired an underage teenager to work in their companies that could've easily killed him, they well-deserved to have their lives becoming miserable by Sullivan's curse after practically helping two horrible people abusing their son.
• Broken Bird: A male example. Iruma went through Hell and back for his parents, so they could have a roof over their heads, but they only returned his love by abusing and neglecting him, with his old teachers and employers either ignoring or endangering him. It's not surprising that Iruma still suffers from the impact his previous life despite that his new life has friends and family that actually care about him and his well-being.

Edited by SugarButterfly432 on May 2nd 2021 at 7:31:43 AM

More fix-up on Age of Empires II example on Narrator.

• African Kingdom campaigns:
  • The Tariq ibn Ziyad campaign is narrated by an anonymous Berber warrior, who details the conquest of Europe under the leadership of Tariq ibn Ziyad and his successor, Abd ar-Rahman al-Ghafiqi. In the end of the campaign, the Berber warrior closes his story with the Moors needing to defeat one Frankish king before they can conquer all of Europe. That king is Charles Martel, the protagonist of the "Tours" scenario in the Battle of the Conquerors, who defeated the Berbers and ended their conquest.
  • The Sundjata campaign is narrated by a griot named Bala Faséké Kouyaté, who tells the Epic of Sundjata to the player. In the end of the campaign, he mentions stealing Sumanguru's magical balafon before the Battle of Kirina (which was the fourth scenario in the campaign), allowing Sundjata's army to be victorious.
  • The Francisco de Almeida campaign begins with Francisco already dead, and the narrator, an anonymous Portuguese soldier in Francisco's expedition, recalls events that lead up to his death.
  • The Yodit campaign is narrated by an Ethiopian trader, who tells Yodit's story to his son during their travel to Aksum. Incidentally, in the final scenario, another older trader named Tariku joins in to tell how Yodit overthrew her nephew, Gidajan, in a bloody battle.
• The Rise of the Raja campaign:
  • The Gajah Mada campaign is narrated by the eponymous character in his elderly age. He tells the player of his glory days in the Majapahit Empire before his downfall at Battle of Bubat.
  • The Suryavarman I campaign is narrated by Sangrama, general of Suryavarman's successor Udayadityavarman II. Sangrama gathers his captains to tell Suryavarman's tale so that they can inspire their men in quelling a rebellion.
  • The Bayinnaung campaign is narrated by the eponymous character. He tells the story of his life until the last outro of the campaign, where it is narrated by his son, due to Bayinnaung dying during the last scenario.
  • The Le Loi campaign in the HD version was narrated by an old man, who tells the player of the Lam Son rebellion, under the leadership of the Dai Viet rebel leader, Le Loi. The old man would reveal himself to be Wang Tong, the Ming general that fought against Le Loi. However, this is altered in the Definitive Edition, replacing the narrator with a younger Vietnamese man.

these are the 4 examples that i have in mind that i wanna write

animeseque:Well it is gacha after all

two girls to a team:Hailey and Milly are the only two female members of the music club.

straight gay:zander, he's gay but he isn't portrayed in the stereotypical way that gay characters are typically portrayed in the gacha community

sixth ranger: Jake, before he joined the music club it only consisted of 5 members, after he joined, it became 6

Edited by themusicfreakslover on May 2nd 2021 at 7:14:46 AM

You need more context for Animesque and Straight Gay.

• Adult Fear: The adult demons who know about Iruma's upbringing are genuinely concerned about him and his well-being, [comma] since he's still scarred from the abuse and neglect from his parents, and the inaction and apathy from his teachers and employers. Sullivan, Opera, and Kalego do what they can to ensure Iruma is well adjusted to his new home environment and that he receives a good education in Babyls.
• Asshole Victims: It's hard to feel bad for Iruma's former human teachers and employers once Sullivan reveals that he placed a curse on each on them, but considering that [write the name] didn't help Iruma or stop his parents from hurting him and [write the name] hired an underage teenager to work in their companies that could've easily killed him, they very much deserved to have their lives made miserable by Sullivan's curse after practically helping two horrible people abusing their son.
• Broken Bird: Iruma went to Hell and back for his parents, so they could have a roof over their heads, but they only returned his love by abusing and neglecting him, with his old teachers and employers either ignoring or endangering him. It's not surprising that Iruma still suffers from the impact of his previous life despite the fact that in his new life he has friends and family that actually care about him and his well-being.

Writing "the former" and "the latter" is almost always a worse idea than just using people's names. It means that readers who are reading casually have to go back to check which one is the former and which one is the latter.

Edited by MichaelKatsuro on May 2nd 2021 at 7:50:52 AM

@Operation: B.U.T.T.E.R.F.L.Y.:

• Beware the Nice Ones:Taylor would rather raise her daughter Holly in peace and make honey than fight. But she is an ex-supervillain from a borderline Death World who can control spiders and wasps and is not afraid to use them, as Mr. Boss discovers the hard way.
• Change the Uncomfortable Subject: Taylor is quick to do this whenever anyone tries to delve into her Dark and Troubled Past.
• Corrupt Corporate Executive: Mr. Boss. On top of being a Child Hater Bad Boss, he tries to strong-arm Taylor into giving up her honey business and work for him, and sics his goons on her when she refuses. That last one doesn't work out too well for him or his goons.
• Creepy Good:
  • Taylor even more so. She's a tall, imposing, and one-armed lady with the ability to control creepy crawlies, a strong affinity for bugs, and a mysterious past no one can uncover. Despite having the attributes of a child hating suppervillain, she's incredibly supportive of the Kids Next Door's mission, much to their surprise.
• Dean Bitterman: Principal Sauerbraten has a deep disdain for his own students. Among his many outrages is forcing his students to subsist on awful cafeteria food while he and his staff enjoy luxury meals. Holly is astonished at how petty he is.
• Handicapped Badass: Taylor is missing an arm, but is still a formidable foe on the battlefield.
• Lighter and Softer: Since this story of Taylor being moved from the horrifically violent world of Earth Bet to the Denser and Wackier KND world, this is a given. Although there are rougher scenes and somewhat coarser language than the canon Kids Next Door would use.
• Mama Bear: Taylor to Holly, in both ways. She initially wants to homeschool Holly to protect her from the savage school bullying she endured on Earth Bet. But when Holly wants to join the Kids Next Door, Taylor does not pull punches to get her in shape.
• Running Gag: Hoagie mooching off of Holly's food.
• Shout-Out: Holly has a massive pet spider named Charlotte.

"Taylor is quick to do this..." Do what? It's usually bad style to write "Taylor is this" or "Taylor does this".

"Taylor is a tall, imposing..."

"Despite having the attributes of a child-hating supervillain..."

"One of his many outrages is..."

"Since this is a story of Taylor being moved from the horrifically violent world of Earth Bet to the Denser and Wackier KND world, this [what?] is a given."

"Taylor initially wants to homeschool..."

e@ Star Wars: Republic

• Insectoid Aliens: Sahdett is a Verpine, meaning he's a bipedal insectoid with stick-like limbs, wings, antennae, mandibles, and compound eyes.
• Master Swordsman: Sahdett survives Order 66 purely because of his skill with a lightsaber. Dass Jennir and Kai Hudorra, who are both skilled duelists themselves, have never met Sahdett but know of his reputation as a fighter and comment that neither of them would stand a chance against Sahdett in a solo fight.
• Off with His Head!: Sahdett decapitates a Clone trooper during his first Dark Times appearance. Later, he loses his own head to Darth Vader due to Vader's anger over Palpatine recruiting Sahdett behind his back.
• Red Eyes, Take Warning: Every other known Verpine has black eyes, but Sahdett's eyes are red, and he is full of talk about going on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge against The Empire. Then it turns out this is a lie, and he's already working for The Empire to kill rebels and Jedi. Interestingly, a flashback reveals that his eyes were red before he turned to the Dark Side. Further confusing things, the Verpine Jedi from Star Wars: Republic who is supposedly Sadhett has black eyes during Order 66.

Edited by Melinda on May 3rd 2021 at 6:10:39 AM