I can't slow down, I can't hold back
although you know, I wish I could
'Cause there ain't no rest for the wicked
until we close our eyes for good
-Cage The Elephant
"I wouldn't mind being between Eddie and Drunkie."
-Madrugada, showing her characteristic good taste
Born in the closing decade of The '70s, the one known to TV Tropes as drunkscriblerian first spent his formative years living rough on an island in the Pacific Northwest before moving to the mainland in The '80s. Since then, he has been through several kinds of hair-raising situations. These include...
- -gunplay
- -muggings (2 of them)
- -marriage
- -divorce
- -polyamory
- -psychoactive drugs
- -glitter
Now, he holds court at Castle Geekhaven; a tiny holdfast at the edge of a vast and unfriendly land ("The County"), and occasionally ventures into the internet once prime inebriation has been achieved, to verbally slag the religious right and anything else that happens to annoy him. A trope-list and hobbies will be provided, for drunkscriblerian is growing tired of speaking of himself in the third person.
- Tropes that apply to drunkscriblerian:
- Abusively Sexy Woman: I attract them, sometimes two and three at a time. I even married one. I don't recommend that approach; no matter how good the sex might be, it isn't worth the trouble.
- All Girls Want Bad Boys: True enough that I made a dating career out of it...
- Anguished Declaration of Love: I tried this once. It did not work, then I laughed at myself for a while and found better ways.
- Artistic Stimulation: I write best on several glasses of quality absinthe.
- BSOD: When my wife left me for somebody else. I Got Better, though.
- Bad Ass: Debatable. I've been called such but I'm not sure I buy it. Scrye could probably kick my ass up between my ears, for example.
- Badass Mustache
- Badass Longhair: What I wanted to be (and occasionally pretended to be via LARP).
- Brilliant, but Lazy:
- Chivalrous Pervert: I prefer to think of it as being an "imperfect gentleman".
- Coitus Ensues: A quote; "<sigh> only you could tumble into a threesome with your good hand tied behind your back." I prefer to think of it as macking by accident.
- Crowning Moment Of Awesome: My 27th birthday party. 'nuff said.
- Crowning Music Of Awesome: Motley Crue's "Too Fast For Love" playing during the incident at my 27th birthday party.
- Crowning Moment Of Funny: "Aleena, the Potato Queen!" ...Also counts as a Mushroom Samba as LSD was involved.
- Darker and Edgier: Life got interesting there for a while...and not in the makes-a-good-story-later kind of way.
- Drink Order: Rusty Nail, replace the Scotch with Maker's Mark and don't eye-fuck me for ordering it that way.
- Drowning My Sorrows: Did this for a while and discovered that the little fuckers are excellent swimmers.
- Drunken Song: The Wurzels, "Morning Glory". You hear that and you know I'm snozzled.
- Erudite Stoner: Replace weed with booze, and yes.
- Ethical Slut: Yup.
- Even the Guys Want Him: I wondered why I was getting all these free drinks, and then I remembered that I was at a gay bar.
- Face Palm: Played straight and played with: I tend to inspire these as much as I engage in them.
- "Funny Aneurysm" Moment: When I was in my early 20s I got the nickname "Whitesnake" because of my long blond hair, party habits and relentless fistful of unsubtle double entendres. I took the name, made it my own, and for several years I was known primarily as that. Two years ago (at 29), I looked up one of those "Famous People you share birthdays with" sites. One of them was David Coverdale. Who is he? The lead singer of Whitesnake.
- Hair of the Dog: Averted; I'm not that bad.
- Hilarious in Hindsight: In my 8th grade class I was voted "least likely to get a girlfriend" and "most likely to become a terrorist". Jury's still out on that second one.
- I'll Tell You When I've Had Enough! !: You better damn well believe it.
- In Vino Veritas: My friends call it "Here's something about you that you don't know!" routine. Also; I enjoy solving the world's problems with a bottle of whiskey as my running partner.
- I Need a Freaking Drink: These words are often heard in my vicinity.
- Jerkass: Of the "been there, done that, let me tell you about it" variety.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: I've been referred to as this; I try to be nice (and I'm good to my friends) but I apparently come off as an egotistical prick to some. No surprise there.
- Long-Haired Pretty Boy: In my youth, I was called this a good deal.
- Love Dodecahedron: My mid-20s pretty much ran on this. It bordered on black comedy at times, however.
- May–December Romance: A couple, though they never went anywhere. What can I say, I like younger girls...there's a better chance no one's ruined them yet.
- Mile-High Club: Two-time member.
- Must Have Nicotine: The last time I tried to quit the coffin nails cold turkey, I started hallucinating.
- Nerves of Steel: Lessee...calmly talked my way out of a gun to the head, survived a storm at sea (at five years old) and convinced a would-be coke-addled suicide to stop waving the .45 around. Without needing Brown Pants. I make a case.
- Noodle Incident: More than a few. Don't ask for the stories as some could still get me arrested.
- Sarcasm Mode: Often.
- Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Sometimes. Okay, a lot.
- Slap-Slap-Kiss: Irish girls. That's all I'm gonna say.
- Smoking Hot Sex: Any time I can get away with lighting up after, I will.
- Smoking Is Cool: Well it is, dammit.
- Sophisticated as Hell: Diamonnes says so.
- Took a Level in Badass: Over the summer of my 18th year, I was introduced to leather, guns, hard alcohol, heavy metal, sex, drugs and gaming by some very nice people. Freak Manor, Fool's Company and Deth Con, I salute you!
- The Alcoholic:...According to some, what I've become. I prefer the cognomen "drunkard".
- The Pornomancer: I've been accused of being one. The exact words used were "You're a rock & roll sex god, what did you expect?" As to why, well...you'd have to ask the girls who bought -and continue to buy- my bullshit because I'm still clueless.
- Up To Eleven: Pretty much my theory on having a good time.
- Wall Bang Her: Try it sometime.
- What Did I Do Last Night?: I've asked this question too many times to count.
- Your Mileage May Vary: Applies to all humans but very much so to me; on a long enough timeline I seem to provoke extreme reactions in everyone. One of my best friends said to me once, "you're the nicest, sweetest alcoholic argumentative asshole I've ever met."
Hobbies:
- Drinking
- Carpentry
- Writing
- Arguing
- Reading (Classic fantasy, mystery, westerns,SF, and Cold War era spy thrillers)
Music:
- Classic rock for the win! Spooky Tooth, Cream, Jethro Tull, The Eagles, Pink Floyd, Uriah Heep, Aerosmith, Foreigner, AC/DC, Alice Cooper, Bad Company,Black Sabbath, etc. etc.
- Goth rock for the nostalgia! Sisters of Mercy, Bahaus, Concrete Blonde, Nine Inch Nails...And now, adding Abney Park to the mix for being just that awesome.
Things I'm most sick of...
- Anime
- Straight-Edge
- Neo-Prohibitionism
- Whiny geeks
- Abstinence
- Drama
- Non-smokers
- Non-drinkers
- Poverty
Vandalizations
A Crazy Awesome troper from... uh... AMERICA! A Memetic Badass and former owner of a Badass Porn Stache. - Not-So-Badass Longcoat
That redlink was bugging me. Sorry, drunk. -CyganAngel
You really are MEAN! you big meanie face!!!- Counterclock
- An idol to us all. Allan Assiduity
See you in Writer's Block
>:) — Pixie Bait
You don't like anime? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO— ok. - English Ivy
Oi you. Glad your around. Your stories when told can be amusing and its good to exchange banter with you.- Tuefel.
About damn time you got one of there; where else was I supposed to vandalize when you make fun of my love of anime or dislike of sarcasm? Stay thirsty my friend. -Kino
GOOD morning, mother fucker! Happy fuckin' Tuesday! I thought I already vandalized here. My bad. We should party sometime, seriously. - Diamonnes
Wow, you finally got a page! You know, you seem like a pretty cool guy. And a complete Badass. Definitely a guy I'd want to have with me in a pinch. Or to get drunk with, but I don't like getting drunk. -Dealan
My man! Good day. We definitely need to party someday. You must introduce me to hot girls. Ok? :P- SenatorAwesomePants
- You got it, Senator. You like Roller Betties? :D
Awww, it's a pity that you shaved your moustache! Grow them again, I assure you they are cool. -Milos Stefanovic
G'day. How the fuck are ya? Consider your page defaced and thoroughly vandalised from the other side of the Earth. I enjoy your posts, mate. {{Wolf1066}
(Looks at top of page) Hey, I love that song!-lolacat
I grant you the trope of Rated M for Manly after reading your page. /@darkclaw
I cannot believe I haven't acknowledged your presence yet. Aryn
You shaved your moustache? I can't believe it! By the way, here's some vandalism. Cue some TOTALLY GRATUITOUS VANDALISM!!! — Belfagor
Your sig quote is the truest thing. — Wheezy
Thanks for being an awesome person who knows how to discuss things rationally. — Vericrat
I swear, you are one of the coolest people to have graced he internet. Thank you for making me feel inadequate at life :P - Mr Mallard
Thanks for being an awesome carbon-based lifeform! TairaMai
I want to be your Lancer! LastHussar
You give direct to the point great advice. I'm jealous of you. Yin Hachiko
