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Fanfic / Snipers Solve 99% Of All Problems

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snipers solve 99% of all problems is a crossover fanfiction between Harry Potter and Fullmetal Alchemist written by silentwalrus. General Olivier Armstrong has received a request from Amelia Bones for aid in dealing with Voldemort and his Death Eaters. What follows is probably best described as hilarious chaos. As the author puts it, “This… is not a serious story. I’m throwing ed elric at wizards. what more could you want.”


This fanfic provides examples of:

  • Abusive Parents: The Dursleys are immediately pegged as this by the Amestrians, and Alphonse describes seeing several cases when he was working with a travelling Xingese doctor.
  • Adult Fear: The Amestrians reactions to the many horrors of the wizarding world reveal what these would be to anyone not a wizard, such as the ability to wipe memories.
  • Alchemy Is Magic: Which the wizards try to equate with their magic with… mixed results at best.
  • A Nazi by Any Other Name: Death Eaters
  • Arc Number: 7 (Horcruxes and Homunculi)
  • Artificial Limbs: Moody, Ed, and Arget
  • Artificial Limbs Are Stronger: Subverted with Moody’s leg but played straight with Ed’s.
  • Badass Crew: The Amestrians
  • Bait-and-Switch: Played for Laughs when Hermonie confessed to Edward how annoying and impractical it was that the adults weren't telling them anything important just because they weren't "of age" yet despite being directly involved. Ed feels feels sympathy for her remembering when no one told him anything either back then so, he tries to give her advice on how to deal with it... only for Jones to refute it with his own opinion.
    Edward: Have you tried blackmail?
    Hermonie: I don't- I mean I've had some- ideas, but...
    Edward: Try ‘em. What’ve you got to lose? You can get away with way more right now anyway. Plus if people think you’re a little kid they’re more likely to let you off easy if they catch you. Or at least it’ll look bad on them if they do retaliate.
    Jones: Oh my God, I would try - having an honest conversation, first? Talk to your mom and dad, tell them how it makes you feel to be left in the dark about a situation that closely affects you-
    Edward: Jones, you’re in Intel. Honest conversation? What the hell is Hughes teaching you guys these days?
    Jones: No, no, it’s about escalation- start with no-cost guilt tripping first, if that doesn’t work then move on to techniques that could damage the relationship.
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  • "Blind Idiot" Translation: The mercurial translation rocks translate very literally, and names that sound like words get translated accordingly. Some examples include “dumbell door” (Dumbledore) “loop in” (Lupin) “chaos” (Havoc) and “all metal” (Fullmetal). Then there’s this exchange:
    Ed: Who’s hairy?
    Hermione: Not hairy, Hairy.
    Ed: You just said the same word twice.
    Hermione: Hairy’s our friend. I guess it… sounds like hairy to you.
    Ron: Hairy potter.
    Ed (skeptically): Hairy potter, that’s a rough one.
    Fred and George (Laughing): Hairy ceramics professional!
  • Break the Scientist: Ed is one the edge of breaking down at the utter lack of research or even analytical thinking in Wizarding society
  • Catchphrase: Ed saying the F word, to the point that the fans of the fic have a count for how often it happens. The count is well over 800.
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  • Child Soldier: Ed, obviously when they learn he's been a soldier in the military since he was twelve, much to the concern and pity of the wizarding adults and the disbelief and horror of the teens.
  • Comically Missing the Point: Ed warns Harry, Hermione and Ron to consider the consequences of their actions, since the worst enemy to make among the Amestrians was Mustang, after they had kidnapped Alphonse and attacked Edward in a panic. Case in point, Mustang subtly implies that he would exert pressure to have them more harshly punished next time they do something so stupid, instead of letting them get off with a warning like they have been. Hermione takes this to mean that she should get better at blackmail so they can't be punished next time they do something like that.
  • Court-Martialed: Played With. According to Ed the military can't actually afford to court-martial him because he's too valuable and they know he'll just make a crazy ton of money back in a private sector instead. Well, that and they're afraid he'll deflect to Xing or start a cult somewhere in East City or something.
  • Crack Fic
  • Culture Clash: Becomes especially prevalent in several chapters; the Amestrians are not just from a different culture, they're also trained soldiers and veterans of war and an actual Apocalypse , while the Order is made up of volunteers and vigilantes who come from an insular society.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Snape gets easily defeated by Ed during the demo, much to the joy of the teenagers in the house, as well as Sirius.
  • Deadpan Snarker: As per both canons, half the cast counts
  • Déjà Vu: To the horror of the Amestrians, they realize the Wizarding world's terrorist problem is starting to sound pretty familiar.
    Ed: You’ve got a supposedly immortal, extremely powerful individual who has separated himself into seven pieces, at least one of which has been known to act independently and maliciously against you? And he’s after philosopher’s stones?
    Dumbledore: More or less.
    Ed: Anyone else getting a really shit case of deja vu over here?
  • Deliberate Values Dissonance: The author uses this to show how the characters from both franchises place different emphasis on events and plans. Usually, this brings them into conflict. Word of God is that Sirius and Edward should be the best of friends in different circumstances, but in the story they both keep hitting each other's hot buttons unintentionally because of this trope.
  • Dressed to Plunder: Moody, to the point Ed only calls him Pirate
  • Exact Words: Mustang lampshades how Dumbledore is always very careful in exactly what he says so that he isn’t lying but is misleading.
  • Fantastic Racism: Ed is appalled by the enslavement of house elves
  • Fantastic Science: Alchemy
  • Fish out of Water: Every reaction the Amestris Crew has when trying to figure out how magic and the laws for their country even work are because of this trope.
  • Genius Bruiser: Ed
  • Genius Loci: #12 Grimmauld Place which starts reacting to Ed after he uses alchemy to forcibly fix it.
  • Inept Mage: How the Amestrians view all the wizards
  • Intimidation Demonstration: The demo
  • Kill It with Fire: The fate of the boggart
  • La Résistance: The Order of the Phoenix
  • Laser-Guided Amnesia: Obliviate, which the Amestrians are horrified to find out is perfectly legal.
  • Living Drawing: Wizard Paintings, which Ed swiftly manages to piss off.
  • Military Mage: State Alchemists, as the wizards see it.
  • Mundane Object Amazement: Ed notices that the wizarding children react this way on the tube.
  • Nightmare: Edward gets a nasty one while at Black's mansion and Mustang is forced to wake him up from it when he almost transmuted the house in his sleep. Unfortunately, Ed's reflexes kicks in when Mustang tries to wake him up, he pulls wrestling move on him choking him between his legs. Apparently, this isn't the first time Mustang was forced to wake him up from a nightmare either...
  • No Kill Like Over Kill: The fate of the boggart and the dementors.
  • No-Sell: Legilimency on Ed, because of the Gate
  • Not Helping Your Case: Practically any time the wizards open their mouths, the Amestrians learn something is even worse than it appears.
  • One of the Kids: Sirius
  • Our Nudity Is Different: Ed fakes this after Moody uses the Imperius curse on Riza to let her hair down.
  • Pint-Sized Powerhouse: Edward, without a doubt because unlike Canon where he grew a head taller then Winry by the epilogue- here he still looks like a fifteen year old despite being twenty-one now much to his irritation. Especially, when the adult wizards tries to treat him like a teenager. Cue Molly trying to seat Ed at the end of the table where the teenagers are much to his clear annoyance. Despite this no one will deny how powerful Ed is- even the wizards become extremely wary of him after he manages to kill two dementors and a bogart.
  • Prophecy: Yeeaah, while the Wizarding world really believes in self-fulfilling prophecies, it should come to no one's surprise that the Amestrians absolutely hate that concept. When Mustang questioned what exactly is stopping them from delivering the final blow themselves and Dumbledore replies a prophesy... you could instantly tell how unimpressed they both were. Mustang's remedy for their terrorist problems: Snipers.
  • Protagonist-Centered Morality: The chapters from Harry and co.'s point of view tend to come off as this. When we see the Amestrians react to their actions, they tend to be unimpressed with what the teens are doing.
  • Running Gag: Everyone is attracted to Ed and he is completely oblivious to it.
  • Scientifically Understandable Sorcery: Magic turns out to be qi, except it gives off more obvious signs when wizards use it, so Ed can measure it.
  • Shot at Dawn: Back then the pushiment for gold counterfeiters used to be death. The only reason they decided to changed the penalty to seven years military service was because it actually takes good control to turn lead into gold. If you don't put to much energy into you can't exhaust themselves by just dumping energy into the array. So, according to the military, alchemists who display enough talent to keep it efficient and are bold enough to actually do it could be useful to the military and it'd be a plain waste to just throw them in front of a firing squad.
  • Social Services Does Not Exist: Lampshaded by Ed and Mustang when they talk about Harry’s home life.
  • Spared By Adaptation: Unlike Canon where Envy killed Hughes straightaway, here he only fell in a deep coma and recently awakened after Father and all of his homunculi were defeated.
  • Translator Microbes: The reason the Amestrians don't have to struggle to learn a whole new language for this assignment is because of a little thing called a translation rock. Although, that doesn't stop them from thinking how unnatural it is in their book that should allow them to translate languages from a small rock of all things.
  • Underestimating Badassery: The Wizards towards all the Amestrians. They dismiss firearms as a viable danger, have a poor grasp of what Alchemy can actually do, and they're painfully unaware that the small group of soldiers could decimate an army by themselves, and that Roy is contemplating the destruction of their government.
  • Unreliable Narrator: Ed. Harry. Sirius.
  • Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: Mustang's first question:
    Dumbledore: Do you not have seers in the Unplottable lands?
    Mustang: No. Not in Amestris. We do, however, have some other notable professions. Are you familiar with the concept of a sniper?
    • When Dumbledore mentions that Voldemort's spirit would still be around if his body died, Mustang is less than impressed, pointing out that he would still be without a body again.
  • Wizards Live Longer: To Ed’s bewilderment, considering how little they know about their own abilities. As Ed stated, magic had to come somewhere. At first, he was concerned it came from their own lifespan but thankfully that theory was quickly debunked after learning that they can live longer then regular people.
  • You Owe Me: When General Olivier's dear friend from summer camp is having trouble with terrorist problem in the wizarding world, she calls Mustang in for a favor to clear the mess up.
  • Your Normal Is Our Taboo: The Amestrians find out that prostitution is illegal and seemingly non-existant in the Wizarding World.

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