The Bellacourt Family
- Nouveau Riche: They're hillbillies with extravagant wealth, trying to live like kings, with only the faintest idea of how kings actually live.
- Idle Rich: The sisters spend their entire days doing as little as possible, to the point of making their servants carry them from room to room. Their mother spends the day using opium. And Frederick, well
Frederick: Oh Garfield, sometimes I feel as though I have nothing. I can't be with the woman I love, I have no career, I have absolutely nothing to do all day except eat, take naps, hunt, relax, take drugs, play sporting games, do all the leisurely activities that please me can you imagine not being able to follow your dreams?
Lillian Abigail Hitler Schmemmerhorn-Fish (née Bellacourt)
Beatrice Tiffani Amber Thiessen Downsy (née Bellacourt)
- Dumb Blonde: She's dumber than her darker haired sister.
- The Ditz/What an Idiot!
- But a Genius Ditz at that. She's illiterate, but she knows math.
Harold "the Commodore"
An illustrious magnet magnate (he invented magnets), the Commodore is the patriarch and founder of Bellacourt clan. He's the husband of Dodo, and father of Hortense, Lillian, Beatrice, and Frederick.
Hortense Jefferson Library Bellacourt
- Only Sane Woman: By modern standards, she's the only character with a clue.
Frederick Bellacourt(Portrayed by Jason Ritter)
- The Ditz/What an Idiot!: He thinks rocks are alive. He's even stupider than his sister, and unlike her, he doesn't show any signs of having Hidden Depths.
- BrotherSister Incest/Twincest: With Beatrice. Their relationship survived Beatrice's marriage, because her husband's gay, but Frederick's marriage threw a wrench in things.
- Arranged Marriage: Frederick and Celery are betrothed to each other, mostly so that their fathers can seal a business deal. They have no love for each other, as Frederick is still in love with Beatrice and Celery realizes that Frederick is an idiot.
- Mistaken for Gay: By Sigmund Freud. He was relieved to learn Frederick's actually straight for his sister.
Albert Downsy, Jr.
- Gay Best Friend: Albert is this to his wife Beatrice. He's the only one she trusts to do her hair and she often confides in him about her affair with Frederick.Beatrice: But I like Albert. He's the only one who can make my bangs fluffy.
Victor Schmemmerhorn-Fish V
- Awful Wedded Life"The marriage involves a dowry, which is quite valuable. It's almost like a prize you get for enduring something horrible, or something that makes you want to throw up."
Mitchell "Mitch" P. Spiritwalker Peepers
Mr. Peepers is the head butler in the Bellacourt household.
- Aren't You Going to Ravish Me?: She was the only patient at her mental institution that wasn't ravished. It really hurt her self esteem.
- Hysterical Woman: She has only recently returned from the local insane asylum. The entire household (save Chair) takes great delight in scaring her into a screaming fit.
Chair is a servant in the Bellacourt household.