Having multiple personalities since before you were a teenager doesn't make you mentally unstable, it makes you a reality-shattering badass. And if those other personalities tell you to enslave others to your will because they'd be much happier that way, do so immediately. Heck, if you don't, some of your would-be victims will force it on you anyway.
The only way to prevent the end of the world is to inspire everyone, everywhere, to become fanatical religious zealots willing to annihilate all that opposes you by any means necessary.
Well if you lived in the Imperium of Man this fic would pretty much be the Saturday morning cartoon you watched as a kid.
My Immortal: Goths are horrible, horrible people. Also christians (example: Snape Snap) are all incompetent villains who side with people that masticate to naked 17 year old girls.
Nobody Dies: Rape is okay—hilarous, in fact—if you're a female sociopath.
Lube isn't necessary. Why would it be? Who needs lube?
Alternatively, anything can be used as lube — motor oil, foodstuffs, random items lying around, sulphuric acid — it'll be good. It doesn't even have to be liquid.
Additionally, condoms are unnecessary, especially for anal sex. Cleaning up bodily fluids after intercourse is simply ridiculous: just go to bed or, better yet, go to the bathroom and have shower sex.
Anal sex is 100% clean and painless the first time around. Fecal matter? People in fanfiction don't poop, so you don't have to worry about that. If there is any pain whatsoever, it will always be "the good kind" of pain. It will last only a few seconds before giving way to untold pleasure beyond the character's wildest dreams.
Men can get pregnant. This is scientific fact. They will not be disturbed, they'll be happy to serve a wifely role.
Every relationship requires a dominant and a submissive member in order to work. There is no such thing as equal partnership, and there are no situations where couples trade-off or take turns being in charge. Sex only works if one party is a domineering overlord and the other one is a limp doormat.
Gay and lesbian couples must always have a traditionally "masculine" character and a traditionally "feminine" character regardless of actual personality and tastes. The appointment of these characteristics will usually be determined by height. If characters do bare some of these traits in canon but do not fit the masculine = taller and feminine = shorter dynamic, then their height will otherwise be altered to fit this stereotype.
Becoming a furry with a cybernetic arm that possess any powers you want, thus putting Kamen Rider Decade, Megaman and the Gokaigers to shame makes you totally awesome and cool, even if you use your powers for killing gay people for no other reason than being bullied.
Women will flock to a person with a Story Breaker Power and said guy with love them equally no question asked.
Remember never defend yourself despite the fact that you're being blamed for something you never did. Don't forget to forgive them too.
Don't forget to hide our son heritage so my enemies won't gets since he isn't strong or old enough and don't forget to do nothing and cry while the said fellow villagers are beating him within an inch of his life.
Or arrive late after said beating.
Remember refusing to like the stronger protagonist makes a whore because she doesn't give up on her first love.
and immediately liking the stronger protagonist isn't despite the fact that protagonist just beat her first love.
The leader is a glorified figurehead that does all the paperwork.
Dobe (Deadlast, Bottom Feeder) is an excellent nickname for someone.
Don't like Naruto's orange outfit? Burn it.
Naruto crossover mean Naruto hijacks the plot, gets all the girls and wins the series Superpower Lottery.
Alternately, learning how to use the scientific method makes you smarter than people shouting gobbledygook and Canis Latinicus and gives you a reason to to be a Jerkass. It's not your fault they're less educated.
Lots of shipping fanfic: It doesn't matter if you're too shy or awkward or whatever to confess your feelings to someone you care about, since eventually they'll fall for you anyway. This goes double if you happen to be gay.
The best people to do this is your close friends. If they don't want to, do it anyway and force them to see how great it is.
Destroying your closest friend's mind with psychological torture and drugs is the best decision you will ever make.
Pharmacists will gladly help you create a drug with abuse potential that makes GHB look like paracetamol. You probably won't even have to pay.
You'll never know who's into the same things that you are unless you randomly ask every adult in your town to try it.
People who share a kink with you will gladly help you run a teenager through a gauntlet of "tests" dotted with the risk of Mind Rape.
If someone doesn't grasp and agree with a philosophy you never bothered to explain clearly, it's OK to drug them in such a way that it permanently regresses them into an infant. This even applies to people in their early teens.
If you're into age play, you're a sick and twisted soul who will sink to any depths to indulge your fetish.
My Little Unicorn: If you want to deconstruct what you consider to be the problematic philosophy behind a popular work of fiction while promoting your own beliefs, pick either an Acceptable Target (Twilight and Sword of Truth are popular) or something in which the characters, in canon, are less interesting and well-developed than the exponents of your philosophy. If you attempt to destroy the Faust's house with the Faust's tools, there's a strong chance you'll just wind up looking inept by comparison, which will not help your case.
Deserving: Stockholm Syndrome, Lima Syndrome, and institutionalized sexual exploitation are an acceptable emotional foundation for starting a family.
Back To The Frollo: She may be black and from a future time period and you may be a racist murderer who lust after women, but as long as she is not a gypsy, she's your true love.
If a villain exists, there is romance (and porn) out of him/her/it. No exceptions.
Alternately: Homeschoolers are perfect, innocent angels. If somebody acts negatively towards another person and that person is homeschooled, assume that they're wrong and they only hate them for a petty grudge.
There's no such thing as a standard breakup, or even bumpy parts in a relationship. Couples that don't along perfectly are doomed to fail, and in that case one person involved always turns into a psychopath.
Homestuck bloodswaps (and to a lesser extent, canon): You really are mostly defined by your race.
Ponies Of Olympus; Atlas Strongest Tournament: If you ever walk in on your boyfriend and best friend having sex, you should make sure he's not actually raping her before storming out.