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Funny: Stuart Ashen

  • His 'unprofessional' Spittake reaction to the Creme Egg-lookalikes is hilarious in its own right. But funnier still was the sobering silence when he realized that, lying in one of the cubicles of the package, was a maggot.
    Ashen: What do they taste like, he regrets asking. *chewing sounds* Oh, Christ!!
    • The maggot turned out to be fake.
    • When he notices the maggot and stops talking mid-sentence.
  • And now the ending of the second episode of Ashen's Tech Dump!
    YOUR FAULT.
  • The unveiling of Chef Excellence.
    • The constant running gag throughout the "Chef Excellence Showcase".
      • 'An Excellent Running Gag'
    • Pasta Excellence. Need I say more?
  • He begins his Neo Double Games review by introducing himself as a "failed psychologist and Internet cunt."
  • From the review of his LEGO set:
    Ashen: A bag full of LEGO, obviously. Or LEGOs if you're American. Don't know why they say LEGOs instead of LEGO; perhaps that's where the "s" on the end of "Maths" went.
  • "I did not hit her! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not!...Oh, HaiPad"
  • Ashen getting weirded out by a knockoff Transformer, firstly because it turns out to have extra stumpy arms and legs after he rips the first ones off, then because its head flies off to reveal a smaller one underneath.
  • Ashen's tvtropes checklist.
  • The One-Armed Colour-Blind Children With Contrasting Jumpers who are apparently the target audience for the board game version of Donkey Kong.
  • His review of the Pac-Man board game, which starts off with a disclaimer stating that we're about to watch "actual footage of grown men playing a children's board game."
    • Threatening his friend Larry with bodily harm for stealing his only-sees-his-hands gimmick.
    • The description of the game's premise (and pieces):
      Stuart: What lurks inside...why, lots of gaudy plastic tat—basically, the idea of the game is you take control of this terrifying serrated-teeth Pac-Man or one of his four equally gaudy friends, to avoid the green ghosties and steal as many marbles as possible.
      Larry: So basically, Stuart, it's "Hungry Hungry Hippos: Mensa Edition".
      Stuart: That works for me.
  • His short video detailing his adventure with a spy pen:
    Stuart: I'm not recording this, you know.
    Plumber: Pardon?
    Stuart: Nothing.
    • All the more hilarious when you consider the footage is a real conversation between Stuart and his plumber.
  • The "Meet the Team" portion of his GI Joe Knock-Offs/Cheap Army Figures review.
  • WILL YOU KEEP THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP IN HERE!
  • The intro to the first Poundland Food Special, and the reason Chef Excellence wasn't part of it.
  • While he's putting together some knock-off Constructicons:
    Eeeh there he is, with his erect...Moving swiftly along!
  • Ashen mispronouncing "Amazon" a few times, then stating that he deliberately mispronounced it "to see if there are any idiots watching who, rather than watching the rest of the video, will instead immediately jump into the comments on Youtube going, 'You pronounced 'Amazon' wrong ra ra ra and also I have never kissed a girl.'"
    • From the same video: Stuart discovers an English-to-Chinese translator on the device, and uses it to see the Chinese translation for "a bag of bones."
    "If you're in China and you need to say that, you probably need to get the hell out of China as fast as you can, because you've done something horribly wrong."
  • The long string of curse words he lets loose after the fake Darth Vader toy shines an LED right in his eye.
  • The horror of the Little Princess doll.
  • An Excellent Mauling
    Ashens: *long lingering death glare*
    Chef Excellence: Oh Shit.
    Ashens [to dog]: Oscar... Kill.
  • The conclusion to the Karting Grand Prix review.
  • When reviewing the knockoff "iPhone 5G," he discovers the stylus slot for the phone. It's actually a slot for a hidden aerial. This itself is funny enough, but the eternally-cool Ashens completely loses it at this discovery, and laughs so hard he has to jump cut over it. And then it gets so bad, he stops and says a prayer to Zeus thanking him for how absurd the knockoff phone is. It's especially funny when you consider the actual iPhone 4's notorious signal problem.
    • Even better: Later, while filming in the dark to capture the screen better, it takes him completely unawares and pokes him in the eye. Yes, it's a bit schadenfreude-ish, but that just serves to highlight how ridiculous the TV antenna is.
    • Not nearly as funny as the aerial, but his increasing irritation at the 'nature' noises the phone keeps making is worth a few chuckles.
  • I'm tempted; VERY tempted. Infact, i'm dual wielding."
    • "By the power of Poundland! I can't hold my accessories!"
  • On a cheapo wrestling figure that had long hair, a beard, and a championship belt: "I am the son of God and you cannot beat me at wrestling."
  • In his 2011 Christmas Special he reviews a Santa figure that is made out of wooden beads. There are strings going through it (slack=collapsed Santa, tight=assembled Santa), which he plays with.
    Ashens: Santa's alive, Santa's dead. Santa's alive, Santa's dead. Tell you what...(Pulls out a pair of scissors and beheads the figure, making the beads scatter)...now we know for sure he's dead. Take that, you festive bastard, playing with our emotions like that.
  • From the Royal Wedding video, he says that in a picture of the Royal couple, they may be looking at a fox levitating and shooting lasers out of his asshole.
  • In his headphones and hands-free device review, he looks over the back of a box of headphones branded 'The Carpenter' and reads over it, finding it to be gushy lifestyle stuff filled with horrible puns.
    Ashens: You know what? Fuck you, and fuck your headphones! That's the most sickening crap I've ever read!
  • In his review of a few knock-off figures, he comes across MMA-style "Fight Club" figurines with loads of unintentional innuendo and a severe lack of quality control. One package is mislabeled, one figurine's arm is on backwards and the paint on the face of both figurines is completely wrong. Ashens' reaction is priceless.
  • In his Valentine's Day 2012 review, Chef Excellence gets to direct his own sequence, and does it as a black and white silent film with his brooding descent into alcoholism as a real celebrity has taken over fronting the Stay Fresh Bags product line. After it cuts back to Ashens, he reflects: "Bloody hell. I knew I shouldn't have taken him to see The Artist."
  • His reaction to the "Welcome Park" in his PS Vita review.
    Narrator: Oh! Somebody's at the door!
    Ashens: Oh, fuck off! I'm not six years old! (begins laughing) What the hell...? (mockingly) There's somebody at the door! It's your friend Bob! He's come to tell you about the PS Vita!
  • Ashens reeling off a list of ridiculous names from Star Wars, ending with "Rick Santorum".
  • His painting Easter eggs in "the traditional British style" - painting "PISS" and "ARSE" on them and holding those two together respectively.
    • Then right after:
    Ashens: (switches them around) Now it's Christmas!
  • From his attempted review of the Barcode Battler:
    Ashens (after having lost a battle): Well. That could have gone better. Perhaps having the instructions would—(gets interrupted by his cell phone) Oh, who's that?
  • The angel tree topper that uses its halo to garrote the other toys. (From his 2010 Christmas Special)
  • In his review of the PCP-8063 model of the PCP Station, he plays Space-Time Tercel for a while before suddenly shutting off the system and ejecting the cartridge, all while unconvincingly claiming he did it on accident.
  • Ashen attends Gamescon and offers what seems like the average questions to people fielding questions for Ubisoft's titles. However, he occasionally tosses in a reference to the "God-monster of Indian Flats." No one bats an eye.
  • From his review of the Peeing Pooch, the unchoreographed fall the dog has:
    Ashen: When it cocks its leg, it drops some water out—(dog falls over) then it falls off—(dog cocks its leg and urinates) and sprays piss all up the carpet.
  • In his video about Green Lantern action figures, Ashens reads the description for Kilowog and comments that his name sounds like "the SI unit of racism".
    • In the same video, his reaction to Galius Zed's utterly ridiculous character design.
  • In "Cheapo Toy Soldiers and Fake GI Joe", Ashens' paranoid reaction at unwrapping an action figure that resembles himself.
  • From his Pre-Winter Clearout Special, recounting his experience with novelty bath jelly with accompanying pictures.
    • Afterwards, he tells viewers that they can see more photos at "xxx.ashens.com." It actually exists. No, it does not actually lead to a site with nude photos.
  • In Poundland Is The Best Thing About Christmas, Stuart and Chef Excellence give each other presents. Both of them get a form of Stay Fresh Bags, but while Chef Excellence gives Ashens his Stay Fresh Fruit and Veg Bags, Ashens jokingly gives Chef Excellence the Max Hoffman Stay Fresh Cheese Bags. Excellence proceeds to go apeshit crazy, scaring and forcing Ashens to call the Chef Control. A man barges in and holds Chef Excellence down, Ashens proceeds to fill a needle with Tesco Value Gin, and injects it into Chef Excellence, knocking him out.
  • In his WoPad Review he bashes the popularity of Angry Birds. He got quite a few cheers in the comment section.
  • "Hello! I betrayed the Sicilian Mafia and look what happened to me!".
    • From the same vid, he solves a steel novelty puzzle... with bolt cutters.
    Don't judge me. Life's too fucking short.
  • From his Fake Knock-off Action Figures video, "The Incredible Hulk...being a little bit less incredible than usual. The "Fairly-Believable Hulk". The "Slightly Mundane Hulk". The "Cheap Weird-Thing-Going-On-In-The-Chest-Cavity Hulk"...The "Bare Arse" Hulk..."
    • From the same video, he has two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles knock-off figures with headbands that are clearly different colours. Within a fairly short space of time, he refers to them both as Donatello.
  • His "endorsement" of Hunger Breaks Chicken Tikka:
    If you have to eat one of these because you've accidentally kidnapped Liam Neeson's mother, and he's come after you for revenge, and he says "I'll either shoot you in the face or you can eat one of these", choose this one. If they've run out of this one, choose the shot in the face.
  • In one of his Extra Ashens reviews, Ashen is profoundly disappointed by a SpiderMan blind-bag toy that is so cheap it could easily be outdone by Happy Meal toys and cereal-box prizes thirty years ancient. He attempts to Kill It with Fire, as is his wont with blind bag items that displease him, but the plastic junk refuses to ignite, instead emitting novel green flames. The combination of resignation, disgust, and snark in his voice when he realizes this just seals the deal.
    "Ugh. Even the fire doesn't want it."
    • Made all the more fun by his obviously improved mood when the darn thing finally starts to burn, ever so slightly.
    "Oh, yes it does!"
  • Stuart and Guru Larry playing the Turbo board game, and deciding that ice is capable of rendering physics inert, and eventually interpreting the ice field as some kind of eldritch dimensional plane where the laws of reality no longer apply.
  • While reading the instructions to a toy figurine which is encased in a container full of goo:
    Ashen: In case of stains, immediately remove excess goo material then wash with warm water and white vinegar. Yes, I remember puberty too.
  • His hilarious reaction to THE GOOSE for his Easter 2013 video, breaking his unflappable English demeanor out of pure startled bemusement, particularly at the bizarre choice of music it was playing.
  • In his "Stupidly Long Crap Food Special", he and Dan (Dan, mostly) are preparing some of Larry the Cable Guy's beer bread. At one point Stu realizes that he hasn't got a bread pan because his girlfriend had taken it. He then remembers that he hadn't checked the oven and Dan sees if it's in there, and when he says that it was, suddenly...
    Stuart: "OH, FUCK!" *Immediately runs to the oven* "You haven't turned [the oven] on, have you!?"
    Dan (Through laughter): "No, I hadn't." *Sees what it is.* "There's a couple of computer chips in the oven! What is that?"
    Stuart: "It's a Double Dragon arcade board; I ran out of places to store these damned things, and I never used the oven, so I stuck it in there."
    • Ashen also misreads the "Git-R-Done" slogan on Larry's hat as "Guitar Dome" and thinks it would be A Good Name for a Rock Band.
    • The unintentional Running Gag of Ashen and Dan talking up how terrible all the food items are, only for each one to turn out to be So Okay, It's Average in an Anticlimax.
    • Their bewildered reactions to Larry in general, as well as the American legal drinking age are pretty hilarious, too.
  • How incredibly easily the action figure from a Spider-Man toy collection breaks apart, with hardly any pressure at all. It could very well be the cheapest, most fragile action figure Ashens has ever reviewed.
  • Due to technical difficulties, Ashens decides to review his hotel room thanks to him not being able to get the actual video he wanted up. He talks about how he never used the provided kettle, and he reveals why at the end. It turns out, when he first went in, resting on the kettle, was some pubic hair.
  • Randomly stabbing an inflatable toy of a 2012 Olympic mascot in the eye.
    Ashen: "You go and stand over there Mandeville and I'm sure no harm will come of you..." *stabs the toy and pulls it off of the knife* I may have lied about that last bit."
  • In his Fake Avengers figures, he comes across a Thor figure that Looks Like Jesus and proceeds to theorize that Jesus must have stolen one of Joseph's carpentry hammers and used it to fight aliens. Then he acts out the dialogue between them.
    Joseph: Jesus, look at this! I lend you my good hammer, and it's all scratched the way you've been hitting futuristic warrior aliens! I can't trust you with anything!
    Jesus: Oh, shut up! You're not my real dad anyway!
    Joseph: All right, well why don't you go live with your real father in his metaphysical sky-paradise, then, he won't even give his millions of followers the slightest hint he exists, so I can't see him giving you and your mates a lift to basketball practice every Thursday night, can you?
    Jesus: I hate you! You don't understand me or my music! I'm going to my room!
    Ashen: ...I don't know where I was going with that. I think I've confused myself. laughs
    • A bit of meta hilarity: at the time of this edit, the video experiences a glitch where the video freezes at around 9:58 (while the audio keeps going)... during this bit. Even the video was confused by where Ashens was going there... so it broke.
    • Before that:
      Ashen: Time for the real sexy lady, Scarlett Johansen...who hasn't turned up, so this man has instead.
  • Every time his handwriting is turned into something else in the Apple Newton MessagePad 100 review is hilarious, but arguably the best is when he inputs "Norwich" as a town name, and it's translated to "Worcester."
    Ashen: What is it gonna change that to? Worcester, for FUCK's sake! I mean, that's beyond fucking a joke now, isn't it? How the fucking hell do you get from Norwich to Worcester?!
  • His reaction to the Polly Pocket Cutant toys.
  • The marvelous Bait and Switch stinger at the end of "World of Warcraft Mega Bloks." After Stuart goes on a rant about Mega Bloks's laziness in not making actual buildable figures for the World of Warcraft set, he laments that since this isn't a Blind Bag video, he can't burn the figurine. Cue a suspiciously early appearance of the end Title Card...
    Ashen: Ah, fuck it. For the Horde! (sets an assembled figurine on fire)
  • Stuart's reaction to a T-1000 action figure that turns its buttocks into a missile launcher.
  • Stuart's reaction to a troll doll with a bizarre face. He just can't contain himself.
  • From the Halloween 2013 special:
    Halloween cracker label: Turn base in the direction of the arrow until contents eject.
    Stuart: Ooh, just like sex.
    Halloween cracker label: Do not aim towards the face.
    Stuart: Again, just like sex.
    Halloween cracker label: Dispose of container safetly after use.
    Stuart: I'm not going to make that joke three times, but it still works.
  • From his Dryathlon-Cancer Research UK video, when listing the types of non-alcoholic drinks to order at a bar:
    Ashens: (pointing at his counter when each drink pops up with muzak playing in the background) Ginger Ale, Lime and Soda, Orange Juice and bitter lemon, black currant and lemonade, cola, orange juice, Virgin Mary, Lemon lime and bitters, Gunner's Quench, non-alcoholic lager. (Beat) (Knocks the lager off the counter, muzak stops) Okay, not the last one.
  • The 2013 Winter Clearout special has his reaction to a Boys Toys Bratz knock off. That is, a doll with a freakish head and nearly tiny legs. Ashen then proceeds to romantically pair her with Galius Zed.
  • In his "Violin: Wonderful Sound Strange Shape" review, Ashen notes that he actually had to start over. Thankfully for the rest of us, he posted the reason why on his Extras channel, in which he busts a gut laughing at the "translations" of the names of famous violin manufacturers. He spends a whole minute (probably longer) laughing his arse off before deciding he cannot continue.
    • Stuart's reaction when the toy violin suddenly starts playing the Angry Birds theme. Then he presses a button and changes the music to Ievan Polkka.
    • The other reinterpritations of people's names - Nicola Amati becomes "Nicholas Marty", Antonio Stradivari becomes "Antonio Stella bottom tile", and Giuseppe Guarneri becomes "ji plug pu . melon nai".
    • "the 6 act or talk like a fool key".
  • When reviewing the old Matchbox Linkits toys, he decides his intro needs "A dash of 80's." He gets... way more than a dash.
    • In a bit of meta-hilarity, he breaks open one of the old toys to get at an ancient promotional cassette tape packaged with it, and even produces an old tape deck so he can find out what, exactly, is recorded on it. He fast-forwards through the tape to find amusing bits. The meta-humor? Several of his younger viewers express their utter shock in the comments that that sped-up tape recorder sound is real.
  • The end of this video, in which Ashen unleashes his destructive inner child.
  • During the opening to the Intergalactic Cage Match video, he describes the golden age of wrestling and references key characters such as Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant... and then immediately goes off point and lists Fisto from He-Man, and Simply Red's Mick Hucknall.
  • All of the Playmobil Advent Calender videos, mainly because of how insane it all becomes, especially regarding the grass masks. And his reaction to the wicker basket.
  • Ashens reviews a Gangnam Style robot that doesn't work properly. He then bitch-slaps it...
  • In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 5", after Dan carefully sets down a fragile-looking (but creepily deformed) doll, Stuart (quite methodically) looks at it, places it at the back of the sofa, asks Dan to retrieve a nearby crowbar, and proceeds to smash the everloving hell out of it. And he still ends up with about 20 seconds left!
    • In the third "10 Reviews" video, one of the items he reviewed was a dummy (or pacifier, to those in the Americas), marketed as an "appeasing nipple". Also featured on the packaging was one of the most bizarre, meaningless, but undeniably magical bits of Engrish, "Kind mothers surely will have MUMLOVE!" Stu and Dan broke down into hysterical laughter at this complete nonsense, and really, who could blame them?
    • The fourth "10 Reviews" video has a "Set Funny Pony". Of course, it's a pink pony toy with an oversized forehead, and the box has a bunch of stolen "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" art on it. Stuart decapitates it with a hunting knife.
      Stuart: I always wanted a My Little Pony abbatoir set.
  • In his Loot Crate June 2014, he tries one of the Warheads candies in the box. (For those outside of the US: Warheads is a brand of extremely sour candies. And we do mean extremely sour.) Ashen's response? "Crikey! That'll draw yer arse up to your elbows."
  • A video announcing a screening of Ashens And The Quest For The Game Child has two stingers, which is a touch odd, but for good reason. It's the second stinger that's good for a laugh, as the camcorder's facial recognition software, which has long been one of Ashens' banes, manages to recognize a face...where there really isn't one.
    "I'd also like to point out that the facial recognition on this camcorder has picked up the egg bird thing, which is literally the only item here which doesn't have a fucking face."
  • His and Dan's reaction to finding out that the canned "Trekking Burger" includes a bun in the can, which causes Stuart to jokingly say Screw This, I'm Outta Here!, since there's nothing else he can add to that. He subsequently implies it to be the absolute worst thing he's ever tasted on the show, aside from the various foodstuffs that are several years out of date.
  • "I like vaggie."
    Stuart: A lot of us do, but we don't write it on fucking tins.
  • Him and Dan trying the "Bean Boozled" Jelly Bellies. In particular, the black "skunk" flavored beans, since, being native Brits, they're not familiar with the... unique... smell of skunk. Dan has no idea how to even describe it, other than it's pure, unadulterated Nausea Fuel.
    • When they try the peach/vomit ones, Dan starts gagging and coughing...
    Stuart: Hmm... I got the peach one... I don't think Dan did...'
  • Ashens attempts to play Minecraft with his friend Guru Larry, and manages to get murdered in bed by a zombie in the first five minutes of his very first time playing the game. It's hard not to laugh along with Guru Larry at both the absurdity of the situation and Ashens' incredibly confused reaction to it all, as he was under the impression that Minecraft was purely an exploring and building game with no hostile entities.
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