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Film / Lesbian Vampire Killers

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A long time ago, the wife of a noble crusader fell under the spell of Carmilla, the lesbian vampire queen. The crusader killed Carmilla, but in turn she cursed his village: every woman in the town will turn into a Lesbian Vampire, until she returns.

Today, slackers Jimmy and Fletch hike into the town, meet a busful of sexy women, and decide to stay the night. Bad idea!

This film contains examples of:

  • Action Girl: Lotte is quick to fight the lesbian vampire menace.
  • Alien Blood: The lesbian vampires bleed sticky white goo.
  • Badass Boast: The Vicar gets one hell of a boast as he makes his Last Stand: "Whores of fucking Hades! Prepare for fucking death!"
  • Badass Preacher: Subverted with the Vicar, as it turns out he doesn't actually have any experience fighting vampires and has never fired his crossbow before.
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  • Badass Normal: Lotte. She's able to take on Eva, Carmilla's second in command, without any help or supernatural powers.
  • Big "NO!": The baron has one in the introduction when he discovers Carmilla has turned his wife into a lesbian vampire.
  • Blood Magic: The blood of the last of the McLaren's is required in the ritual to resurrect Carmilla the Vampire Queen.
  • Brainless Beauty: Trudi is so dimwitted as to have a vocabulary that consists of literally one word but because she has large breasts (Or DOES she?) Fletch slobbers all over her.
  • Forgotten Fallen Friend: Lotte, the female love interest, doesn't seem that upset that all her friends have turned into vampires, and then were killed, by her and her new boyfriend.
  • Gigantic Moon: The film ends with a shot of a werewolf on the front of a gigantic moon.
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  • Kill It with Water: Holy water will do intense damage to a vampire, And kill it outright if enough is used. At one point they manage to melt a vampire by holding her in a running shower as the vicar blesses the water.
  • Lampshade Hanging: The film point out how ridiculous a lot of its elements are, then does it anyway.
  • Left Hanging: What happened to the vicar? And how would he have coped when he found out about his daughter being dead? Unless the vampires killed him, that is.
  • Love at First Sight: It takes Lotte less than 12 hours to decide that Jimmy is The One, though that may just be being forced into a life-and-death situation after just meeting.
  • Market-Based Title: In the US, the title is shortened to "Vampire Killers".
  • Nonindicative Name: It's about people who kill lesbian vampires, but going by the title it could also have been about either lesbian vampires who are killers, or lesbians who are vampire killers.
  • No-Sell: Camilla is immune to all the weaknesses of the other vampires. She can only be killed by special sacred weapons, such as a sacredly forged sword.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: The narration in the opening is very straight-forward, until the description of Carmilla's death at the hands of the crusader after she gives details of the curse she just inflicted on his bloodline.
    The narrator: And with that, he lobbed her fucking head off.
  • Targeted Human Sacrifice: The blood of the last of the McLaren's is required in the ritual to resurrect Carmilla the Vampire Queen.
  • Water Guns and Balloons: The protagonists use water balloons made from condoms filled with holy water as weapons against the lesbian vampires.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: The vampires are ridiculously easy to kill (Fletch lists every weaknesses to the Vicar), and are easily held off by crosses. It's a shame that there's so many of them, and that Carmilla doesn't suffer from any of their weaknesses....


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