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Film / Lesbian Vampire Killers

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A long time ago, the wife of a noble crusader fell under the spell of Carmilla, the lesbian vampire queen. The crusader killed Carmilla, but in turn she cursed his village: every woman in the town will turn into a Lesbian Vampire, until she returns.

Today, slackers Jimmy and Fletch hike into the town, meet a busful of sexy women, and decide to stay the night. Bad idea!


This film contains examples of:

  • Action Girl: Lotte is quick to fight the lesbian vampire menace.
  • Alien Blood: The lesbian vampires bleed sticky white goo.
  • Badass Boast: The Vicar gets one hell of a boast as he makes his Last Stand: "Whores of fucking Hades! Prepare for fucking death!"
  • Badass Preacher: Subverted with the Vicar, as it turns out he doesn't actually have any experience fighting vampires and has never fired his crossbow before.
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  • Badass Normal: Lotte. She's able to take on Eva, Carmilla's second in command, without any help or supernatural powers.
  • Big Bad: Carmilla the Vampire Queen, progenitor of the Lesbian Vampire curse.
  • Big "NO!": The baron has one in the introduction when he discovers Carmilla has turned his wife into a lesbian vampire.
  • Blood Magic: The blood of the last of the McLaren's is required in the ritual to resurrect Carmilla the Vampire Queen.
  • Brainless Beauty: Trudi is so dimwitted as to have a vocabulary that consists of literally one word but because she has large breasts (Or DOES she?) Fletch slobbers all over her.
  • Forgotten Fallen Friend: Lotte, the female love interest, doesn't seem that upset that all her friends have turned into vampires, and then were killed, by her and her new boyfriend.
  • Gigantic Moon: The film ends with a shot of a (gay) werewolf in front of a gigantic moon.
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  • Hate Sink: Judy, Jimmy's ex-girlfriend who dumped him at least seven times only to convince him to get back with her when she came back. She's shown to be cheating on him even when she is with him. It's incredibly telling that when she gets turned her behaviour is nearly identical.
  • Job Title: Lesbian Vampire Killers.
  • Kill It with Water: Holy water will do intense damage to a vampire, And kill it outright if enough is used. At one point they manage to melt a vampire by holding her in a running shower as the vicar blesses the water.
  • Lampshade Hanging: The film point out how ridiculous a lot of its elements are, then does it anyway.
  • Left Hanging: What happened to the vicar? And how would he have coped when he found out about his daughter being dead? Unless the vampires killed him, that is.
  • Nonindicative Name: It's about people who kill lesbian vampires, but going by the title it could also have been about either lesbian vampires who are killers, or lesbians who are vampire killers.
  • No-Sell: Camilla is immune to all the weaknesses of the other vampires. She can only be killed by special sacred weapons, such as a sacredly forged sword.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: These are turned by either the standard bite or a mystical curse. They have all the standard weaknesses, and can also be killed by conventional means. Their blood is white, and they explode when killed. Also they're all lesbians.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: The narration in the opening is very straight-forward, until the description of Carmilla's death at the hands of the crusader after she gives details of the curse she just inflicted on his bloodline.
    The narrator: And with that, he lopped her fucking head off.
  • Targeted Human Sacrifice: The blood of the last of the McLaren's is required in the ritual to resurrect Carmilla the Vampire Queen.
  • Water Guns and Balloons: The protagonists use water balloons made from condoms filled with holy water as weapons against the lesbian vampires.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: The vampires are ridiculously easy to kill (Fletch lists every weaknesses to the Vicar), and are easily held off by crosses. It's a shame that there's so many of them, and that Carmilla doesn't suffer from any of their weaknesses....

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