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Joke Review Scores
- Blackthorne - One-Armed-No-Look-Behind-the-Back Shotgun Shot/10
- Hydlide - Bee Sting/10
- Super Hydlide - Space Suit/10
- Virtual Hydlide - Hydlide/10
- Alone In The Dark - Too Much Candy/10
- Quest 64 - Shannon/10
- Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest - Training Wheel/10
- Two Worlds - Cancelled Christmas/10
- Two Worlds II - Doctor Shot/10
- Dragon Ball Z Sagas - Krillin/10
- Sim Ant - Ant Farm
- King's Knight - Toby/10
- Super Bonk - Birthday clown tripping on acid/10
- Worst Console Ever - Broken Marriage/10
- Sonic Adventure 2 - Bowl of Lucky Charms/10
- Drake of the 99 Dragons - Bucket of Tears/10
- Mortal Kombat Kartoons - SNES port of Mortal Kombat/10
- Tamagotchi - Piece of Tamagotchi Poop/10
- Mega Man X7 - Bleeding Ear/10
- Chrono Trigger - Clock Without Hands/10
- Oscar - F**k You/10
- PlayStation Move - Wii/10
- Kinect - EyeToy/10
- Pocky & Rocky - Kitten Goblin/10
- Dr. Quandary - Mensa/10
- Magic: The Gathering - Prodigal Sorcerer/10
- Donkey Kong Country Cartoon - Banana With Brown Spots/10
- High Seas Trader - Sparkler/10
- Star Wars: Shadow Of The Empire - IG-88/10
- Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom - Owlbear/10
- Ride To Hell: Retribution - Fully clothed Barbie and Ken dolls dry humping/10
- Stardew Valley - Abigail/10
- Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? - An actual almanac/10note
- Scorched Earth - Funky Bomb/10
- Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within - Final Fantasy XIII/10
- Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero - Stryker/10
- Zelda II: The Adventure of Link - Wooden Sword/10
- Kid Klown in Crazy Chase - Internet Troll/10
- Final Fantasy I - Black Mage/10
- Final Fantasy II - Punching yourself in the face/10
- In his review of the first Hydlide game, he sums up the story as follows: "There's a dragon, and there's a princess. And then the dragon hibdjvbudjdeba, and the princess explodes into fairies!"
- His early reviews start with Jared playing a game, with shots of gameplay, and then saying "I'm playing [X]", with his tone foreshadowing his opinion of the game. In "Virtual Hydlide", he is collapsed back against the bookshelf in horror and only manages to let out a pained groan before the opening.
Vampire: Yes, that's enigmatic. Are you he? You're a pimp! (?)
- He gives the same speech about the dragon "hibdjvbudjdeba-ing" and the princess exploding into fairies before coming to the realization that it's a remake of the original Hydlide.
- "BEEEES!! AAAAHAHAAH!! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod RRAALGHGH... Jim/Portly Guy the Knight, killed by bees."
- Jared's interpretation of the vampire's last words.
- "Congratulations! My reward is these two frames of animation!"
- The Freeze-Frame Bonus near the end of the review, showing the scoreholders of the game:
- The Dark Sword that takes away...POINTS.
- You know how Hydlide was accused of being a Zelda ripoff? Virtual Hydlide has a Master Sword.
- Jared's reaction to Gandohar in Two Worlds saying about another character that "They call him Ho." has to be seen to be believed, the line's hilarious enough on it's own but his reaction to it really sells it.
- The game's overarching evil energy is called "The Taint."
- Jared riffing on the ridiculous voice acting. "Warri-YERS! HARRRHD ones!"
- One of the Running Gag throughout Jared's videos:
Jared: Gee, an epic RPG where you have to collect four treasures of the elements. Never heard that one before...
(scowls at the camera, totally deadpan)
(holds up copy of Final Fantasy I)
... WHOA, WAIT A SECOND!
Jared Gee, an epic RPG where you have to collect four treasures of the elements, and I... don't know how to make this running gag work here?
- He uses this gag in his Final Fantasy I review too, kind of:
- "Oh my God, THERE'S NO WORLD HERE- oh, there we go."
- In Two Worlds, Jared mocks the main character's captain obvious statements.
Jared: Who does that? Who simply states whatever they're currently feeling out loud?
*Cut to Jared standing in front of his refrigerator with the freezer door open.*
*Cut to Jared running his hands through his sink's water.*
*Cut to Jared reading Maxim.*
- A Running Gag in the Two Worlds II review has Jared come up with different names for Cassara based on her rather... pronounced chest. Names like "Underboob", "Nips McHooter", and "Mammary McLovebuttons".
Jared: Everyone escapes through teleports, and you meet their prophet, Cassara- breeeeeeeeeeeeasts.
- His One Minute Review of SimCity, all seventeen seconds of it.
- Jared's thoughts on Day One: Garry's Incident in his Top 10 Worst Games of 2013
Jared: (to the tune of "I Know a Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves) Day One Garry's Incident is really really bad. Day One Garry's Incident is really really bad. Day One: Garry's Incident is really really bad. And I want to kill myself.
- At the end of his Sim-Ant review, Jared reads a section of the game's ant glossary that encourages the player to go outside and observe ants. Jared does just that. And by that, we mean that he goes out and sprays the ground with bug spray and aims a magnifying glass at the ants.
Jared: DIE, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, DIIIIIIIIE!!!
- Jared trying to use the Sega games item in Super Hydlide. What do they do? IT'S A JOOOOKE!
- In regards to one of the Final Fantasy Mystic Quest bosses.
Jared: Now I've heard of the headless horseman, but the headless horseman and the headless horse? ...how do they know where they're going?
- In his King's Knight review, Jared can't stop saying how much he hates Toby whenever he brings the character up.
Jared: (holds up his Game Genie) You Have Failed Me.
- One of his recorded video clips of him playing/dying in Toby's stage is named ROT IN HELL TOBY.
- At one point, he dies in the final stage with a full party. It then cuts to him with a sour expression on his face while the game over jingle plays, followed by him wordlessly attaching a Game Genie to the cartridge and then saying "I don't care."
- He gets trapped between a row of statues and the Advancing Wall of Doom and fails to destroy one of them, thus managing to die while completely invincible.
- "We all know the story: Squaresoft was going bankrupt, so they created Final Fantasy as their last effort to be successful in the video game industry. And they were going bankrupt because they kept releasing crap like this." <whimsically tosses game cartridge, which then clatters loudly> "Ow, my knee."
- It's worth mentioning that this last line is said in the most deadpan way possible, which adds extra credit to the already funny part.
- His one minute review of Sonic Boom which has him wearily singing the Sonic SatAM theme.
Jared: (Slurred and over footage of Sonic's jog-like speed and the game's many many glitches.) "Blue streak, speeds by. Sonic the Hedgehog. Too fast, for the naked eye. Ssssssssonic the Hedgehog. Sanic, he can really move. Sanic, he's got an attitude. Dankey Kang, he's the fastest thing alive. He's the fastest thing Ali-ahveugh. He's the fastest thing, alighiavehhave! It has bounce pads. 2/10!
- At the start of his Extended Thoughts video for Aliens: Colonial Marines, Jared holds up the game's case and then flings it to the side without a word.
- In his Sonic Adventure 2 review, he's fighting the first boss, when he remembers;
Jared: This game sucks.
- In his Sonic Adventure 2 review, he notes the sexual tension between Knuckles and Rouge, anxiously asking, "They're gonna bang, right?" after the two split during the Hero's Story. Later on, during the game's credits...
Rouge: Anyway, I've got something better than jewels that I'm thinking about right now.Jared: Yep! They're gonna bang. Enjoy, Rouge! (Jared puts on a poker face as a caption reading "Echidnas have four penises" appears.)
- For his Tamagotchi review, he does an experiment where he cares for one of his Tamagotchi normally, overfeeds one of his Tamagotchi, and completely neglects the last one. What does he name the one he neglects? PBG
Jared: I shot a sperm into space!
- On top of that, PBG wasn't the first to die!
- The game briefly glitching out just as PBG dies, changing his name to "PBG um"
- JumJum, the sole surviving Tamagotchi, ends up evolving into Nyorotchi - one of the worst possible characters that vaguely resembles a wriggling sperm. Then Jared accidentally sends him to space.
Jared: Oh. He's a Kirby!
- Prior to becoming a sperm, JumJum was a white blob with little round hands and feet.
Jared: Oh, that's weird, JumJum! That didn't make you win!
- In the beauty contest, JumJum makes the same pose he makes when pooping.
- While reviewing "Mega Man X7", he puts down the game for including old enemies from the first "Mega Man X" game to play on gamers' nostalgia. To illustrate this, he holds up a "Mega Man X" cartridge in front of the CD case for "Mega Man X7" and makes them dance.
Jared (sexy voice): Hey there baaaaby! Don't I look SEX-EEE? You wanna come over and plaaay? (Drops the "Mega Man X" cartridge, revealing "Mega Man X7") AAAAGH-I GOTCHA!!!
Jared: And X is all like "MEH VIOLENCE..."
- The silly whiny tone of voice and music Jared uses whenever X's Technical Pacifist tendencies comes off as Wangst, particularly given how said tendencies is the in-story justification as to why X is not playable from the start in his own game.
Jared *Tosses Controller in Rage* FUCK IT! If they Gave Up, So Do I!
- His Reaction to X's Legs armor in X7, which gives a slow as hell gliding ability instead of something cool like airdashing or flight.
- It's rare for an annotation asking to like/subscribe to be funny, but Jared manages well.
- Jared pointing out how how telegraphed the plot twist is.
- His otherwise tender and heartwarming review of "Chrono Trigger" ends with him writing a letter to Square Enix bitching them out for not making another sequel.
- CHECKPOINT ELEPHANT. It makes as much sense in context.
- Also, the fact that he spends the entire review of Oscar lying down on his back, as the experience was so traumatic for him.
- Also, at the beginning of the Oscar review, the first line ProJared says:
- In the Donkey Kong Country cartoon, when Diddy refers to Dixie as Dix, Jared mishears it as Dicks and makes a Call Back to his Top 10 Dicks episode.
- Also, another Jared reaction face pops up when DK talks about showering Candy Kong with coconut cream pies.
- Also, when talking about the musical numbers, he brings up a general outline for every episode titled "REAL DONKEY KONG SCRIPT" just to indicate (SONG GOES HERE). Reading it, however...
- BLUSTER KONG OC DO NOT STEAL
- From his Super Bonk review: Blue Balls. That is all.
- From his "Top 5 Games of 2015", he praises Final Fantasy XIV as the game he had the most enjoyment with that year, putting it at Number 1. Before quickly saying that he lied and that it's Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate. It's much like his One Minute Review of Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, except only about 10 seconds long..
- In High Seas Trader, Jared figures out the fastest way to make money is to sell copious amounts of Opium.
- His "The Little Pirate Ship That Could" bit.
- "....aaaaand mutiny"
- When his helmsman repeatedly runs the ship into rocks, Jared wonders why he isn't getting kicked off the ship. Cut to the mutiny screen with PeanutButterGamer's face pasted on top of the captain.
- At the very end: "Hey Liverpool...SUCK IT!" *fires cannon*.
- Jared, on Ride To Hell: Retribution:
Jared: And yes, it does get worse!...
Jared: Apparently, this sex was super good. Because Jake refused to move and pretended to fly a kite for several minutes.
- After a sex scene,
Jared: Jake's answer to getting around the fence? Steal an oil tanker, drive it fifteen miles down the road, park it in front of the city dam, and BLOWS IT UP. You could've driven it through the fence. Or blown up the fence. Or easily climbed up one of the many nearby trees to simply climb over it. But no you're right. This way is the easiest.
- During the pit-fighting sequence, Jared takes a moment to congratulate the developers for making one good level, with four mini-boss enemies with varied AI patterns and a deep combat system that requires planning and finesse to make the most of. The footage is just Jared spamming a forward lunging kick that stunlocks every single enemy in the game. In fact, that's how he does basically all melee combat sequences, it's absolutely hilarious how effective it is and how stupid it looks.
- Jared does give the sequence some proper praise when the boss, Meathook, switches things up with a spiked bat. Cue Jared spamming the kick just like before.
- Jake facing an electric fence.
- The thumbnail for his Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within review has him grimacing at the camera instead of his usual smile.
Hein: Oh, I see... and what have we been fighting all this time, doctor. ...Ghosts?Jared: *beat* ... No f**king shit!Hein: Doctor, even if I believed in such nonsense...Jared: *angrily shaking the camera* YOU'VE LITERALLY BEEN CALLING THEM PHANTOMS THE ENTIRE TIIIIIIIIIMMEEE!!!Hein: Ghosts?
- Pointing out that Hein is obviously the villain. "He wears all black, has evil eyebrows, and is voiced by James Woods...who I'm convinced is actually evil in real life."
- Near the end, when Aki tries to convince Hein tha the Phantoms aren't really evil and Hein shows his skepticism, Jared flips out.
Jared: *Beat, a look of complete dumbfoundedness on his face* ......WHAT?!?!
- His complete and utter confusion at the ending of the film, summed up with one word.
- Much like his Spirits Within review, the thumbnail for his review for Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero has him glare angrily at the camera.
Jared:... And this entire first level, I was kinda enjoying myself! I beat up some monks, climbed around the stage, did combos and s-*Sub-Zero gets attacked by a sword-wielding monk, the recoil sends him into a crushing deathtrap*Jared:... THAT'S FINE! *grips the controller harder in anger*
- "WHERE ARE MY DANK WEEDS?"
- "It's familiar gameplay with a new twist and why can't I turn around? Why can't I turn around?! This monk is gonna mess me up, why can't I turn around?!"
- Jared talks about how much fun he's having on the first level - until he encounters a VERY cheap death.
- Sub-Zero after Quan Chi steals the Amulet of Shinnok from him. "...and that makes Sub-Zero SAD." Complete with Sub slumping and turning away, literally looking sad.
- Shinnok's speaking debut in a Mortal Kombat game...where he sounds like "your grandpa offering you something from his candy dish."
- And the alternate version of that scene with Spectre!Scorpion. "I am a dead man, but somehow you have retained your mortality, which would mean you are VULNERABLE to DEATH."
- Sub-Zero's plan to escape from the Prison of Souls is that...he just does. As in walks through a door which is closed but not locked for some reason. Good plan, Sub-Zero.
- In "Top Ten WORST Things Final Fantasy Has Done", the number 3 spot (King's Knight being integrated into the Final Fantasy XV universe) takes the cake.
- The end of the video is pretty heartwarming but then quickly switches to more desperate Tactics begging.
- In his Zelda II: The Adventure of Link review, he retells the tale of his brother's NES games and shows him sneaking around, wrapped up in a blanket. The scene then cuts to the cartridge of the game he's going to review and then smacking it away to reveal Hydlide. It then cuts back to a grumpy Jared.
- Jared's demonstration of the Jump-Squat-Stab.
- His irritation reviewing "Kidd Klown" when the character lands at the start of the level and hurts himself, taking away a bit of health. "I haven't even done anything yet and I'm already losing."
- In his review of Final Fantasy I he starts describing the plot, then awkwardly admits he has no idea how to work in his usual Running Gag of comparing generic fantasy plots to Final Fantasy's.
- The entirety of the "Ballista Bat" story: what happens when a gung-ho 'roided up fighter meets a large siege weapon? Well...
- "We were fighting the Predator!"
- The "Coup De Grace" story, where Jared shares one of his most embarrassing deaths: being killed by a fake warthog after falling asleep.
Conventions and Assorted Videos
Magfest 12 - These Guys Are Sick
Pro Jared Plays
- Five Nights at Freddy's:
"This man has been talking for two hours."
- He plays "Mighty No. 9" for all of two episodes, trying to give it a fair shake and not dogpile on it like other reviewers. The game is so glitchy it starts bugging up his video game capture and he (originally) had to end the Let's Play then and there.
- In Episode 3, at one point he gets stuck on a stalemate with a Sniper Joe-like enemy who refuses to shoot him even when he's right in front of him.
- While dealing with wind currents, Jared questions when was the last time a stage with pushing winds was any fun. He then immediately answers his own question with Shovel Knight. Particularly amusing since Shovel Knight is the archetypical example of the right way to make a Kickstarter-funded game.
- Also, there's the part where he uses the dash mechanic underwater to just dash past all the obstacles on the ground floor.
- When he first uses the DLC power he got (a cube that levitates by itself and shoots with a thoroughly underwhelming sound), he says "this is a DLC power attack that I got. It's about as exciting as you can see here."
- Episode 4 has him dying so much on Mighty No. 4's stage, causing him to make some hilarious expressions as it happens.
- Episode 5 has him playing as Call. The thumbnail and title (Oh God No) alone should be enough to tell you where this is going.
- In the finale, he starts explaining the game isn't really as bad as people say it is, and that the worst it is is okay... He's then interrupted by Mega Ran's rap, and has an annoyed, disgusted look on his face.
- He's also incredibly offended that the game ends with just showing some random concept art before the credits. "Those three images cost four million dollars."
- One tiny thing in general is his utter "meh" version of "bang" he utters sometimes when he's shooting or using a power that shoots.
- In Episode 3, at one point he gets stuck on a stalemate with a Sniper Joe-like enemy who refuses to shoot him even when he's right in front of him.
- In his recent playthrough of "Yu-Gi-Oh! Legacy of the Duelist", he tries to capture the "feel" of the original show - which equals terrible puns (almost "ghost of a chance" level worthy) and reminding everyone to believe in the "Heart of the Cards"
- His voiceover for characters also leads to hilarious situations, especially when he says something that anime character certainly doesn't (like Joey calling Mai out).
- Zelda: Link to the Past Randomized (a hack where every treasure location is scrambled before the game starts): In Part 2, Jared buys the Bottle from the salesman in Kakariko Village... which is changed to 100 rupees. The Bottle costs 100 rupees. His head drops.
- Jared slowly grows more and more disgusted with how many rupees he's getting.
- The looks of hopelessness, as he gets deeper into the game and continues to find rupees, arrows and bombs in every chest and hiding place is both hilarious and sad.
- Any time Jared opens a chest in a dungeon in hopes to get a new item, only to get a compass.
- It gets to the point that anytime a red rupee appears, he edits in an image of a 20 dollar bill on top of the rupee. Likewise, whenever he gets 10 arrows, an MLG airhorn plays.
- Since the ROM is in Japanese, he replaces most of the dialogue post recording with jokes.
- Any time in the Legend of Zelda Randomizer when the randomization messes with his expectations. For instance:
- Walking into what is normally the first dungeon and discovering it to be a random "pay me for the door repair charge" cave.
- Spending the better part of an hour trying to beat Gleeok in dungeon 3, only for it to drop the almost-useless map instead of the Triforce piece.
- Finally defeating Ganon and celebrating his victory only to belatedly realize that he still has to actually find Zelda.
- In part 1 of his Final Fantasy I playthrough, as Jared explains about the game's various classes, he says that due to a bug, the Thief class, which normally excels at fleeing from battles, has no special abilities whatsoever compared to the other classes. Jared decides for this very reason that the Thief will be based off of himself.
What am I doing? [Beat] I want to kill a dinosaur, that's what. [Joof uses an ICE spell] Hit him with the Ice Age, Joof!
- While training at the 'Peninsula of Power', Jared encounters a Tyrannosaurus rex. He states that it's literally too much for him to beat... while attempting to beat it anyway.
[Astos uses the RUB spell on Peeb for instant death][beat]Jared: [high-pitched scream]
- While fighting Astos:
- Part 1 of his Super Mario RPG playthrough is done in a Stylistic Suck style complete with a lengthy introduction, recording the gameplay with a camera, and using an emulator without fullscreening the gameplay.
- A Freeze-Frame Bonus also reveals what else Jared has on his emulator. It's Hentai.
- He makes liberal use of the emulator's fast-forwarding feature, using it first to skip all of the dialogue (which is half the point of playing an RPG in the first place, let alone one that's meant to be largely comedic) and then using it while trying to button-mash his way through combat without paying any attention to his HP. When he gets a Game Over and returns to the title screen, he concludes that the game must have glitched out.