Funny: Magic: The Gathering

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    Storylines 
  • The webcomic Journey to the Eye part 1. It's not easy to find a good guide to travel in a Death World...
  • Dark Discoveries part 1. Don't butt into Tezzeret's business; he doesn't like it.
  • Any new members of the Gruul on Planeswalker Points will get treated to a thought-provoking letter from Borborygmos.
  • The guild letter for the Izzet is also chuckle-worthy.
    Welcome to the Izzet League, achievers of the impossible! Your work has led you to the guild that tries the untried, challenges the status quo, and defies such tedious concepts as "good enough" and "laboratory safety." Our mission is to venture unflinchingly into the unknown, with no concerns for the risks. Others may fear the volatility of our endeavors, but isn't ignorance the greatest danger of all? We understand that knowledge cannot be gained without passion, and that an explosion is the result.

    You've joined us at an especially exciting time. Our visionary guildmaster and parun, the dracogenius Niv-Mizzet, has us hard at work: funneling energy through the city's mana agitators, combining elemental weirds, and cranking the mizzium fluxboilers beyond their breaking point. So strap on your elemental gauntlets and prepare to explore beyond the boundaries of known magic!

    Singe, Goblin Chemister of the Izzet
  • In "The Secretist, Part 2", by Doug Beyer, Jace gets into a fight with Ruric-Thar. Unable to defeat a giant, two-headed, magic-resistant ogre with his usual arsenal of tricks and illusions, Jace throws the book out of the window and bites them in the kneepits. They are amused enough by this to concede and give him what he wants.
  • Kiora prefers the direct approach in acquiring assistance from her soon-to-be minions:
    "I like you, I also have a sea monster. Want to help me out?" —Kiora
  • The uncharted realms article "The Gorgon and the Guildpact" has a few gems:
    Jace: "Is it murder?"
    Lavina: "Why do you say that?"
    Jace: "Because you're making that face. Your 'there's been a murder' face."
    Lavina: "More than one, in fact. I have a 'there's been a murder' face?"
    • After being told the bodies spell out his name:
    "Oh." Jace heaved a breath. He really needed to get a desk at some point, with a big leather-bound chair that he could slump into at times like this. "Well. All right."
    "As soon as the door shut behind them, Jace's smile dropped, and he sat down on the large wooden desk he'd finally gotten around to installing. The desk creaked, and he frowned. He still needed a nice big chair to collapse into. Leather. Something expensive."
  • This gem from Planeswalker's Guide to Dragons of Tarkir Part1 1 (particularly given the context):
    Many can understand at least the basic spoken language, particularly when the dragons enunciate slowly and clearly for their benefit. Relatively few can understand the complex spoken Draconic used in intense spiritual debates.
  • Jace's Origin Story. After his first real planeswalk, he lands in Ravnica, and finds a woman who takes in stray children (which he now looks like), a woman named Emmara Tandris. Their first meeting:
    Jace: (thinking) She’s beautiful.
    Emmara: If you’ve come only to admire me, I’m afraid I haven’t the time.
    Jace: You’re a mind reader?
    Emmara: No. You’re a teenager.
  • The mere fact that the Praetors, arguably the most terrifying creatures on New Phyrexia, are continuously bickering like bratty siblings.
    Jin-Gitaxias: I despise Vorinclex and his slobberings about "evolution". Only I know true progress.
    Vorinclex: Dead or alive, my creations are stronger than Jin-Gitaxias's septic minions.
  • Elesh Norn's fanatical speeches can be a source of Black Comedy (no pun intended).
    Ah, the glorious symphony of bitter hymns and forced hallelujahs! See the ignorant fall to their knees when I remove their heathen feet! All will be blessed with the pains of redemption! Look inside yourself to see the truth, or see my suture priests so they can open your chest to find it for you!
  • Jace is apparantly a coffee addict.
    "Coffee," said Jace. "The Living Guildpact rules that coffee is an acceptable substitution for rest, as specified in subsection . . . whatever."
  • Sarkhan runs around the new Tarkir as giddy as a schoolchild, and gives bearhugs to goblins!

    Flavor Text 
Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness, or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious.

    Card Art 
  • Savage Punch, quite possibly the most Rated M for Manly Magic card ever.
    • Maro's story of where that card came from:
    Maro: I remember the first time I saw the art for Savage Punch. I didn't even realize that it was Surrak Dragonclaw, the khan of the Temur, doing the punching. It didn't even matter. During the slideshow when it was shown, it got a similar response from the audience. We included it in the San Diego Comic-Con panel because we expected the same would hold true for the players. And it did. I saw more talk about bear punching than any other single attribute we showed off at the panel.
    Maro: So how exactly did this art come to be? Was the card called Bear Punch in design? I wish my team could take responsibility, but this all happened during the card conception done by Doug Beyer. It's possible someone else came up with the "Surrak single-handedly beating a bear with his fists" concept and Doug found a place to fit it in. Nonetheless, this is a magical moment that I'm very happy got forever captured on a Khans of Tarkir card.
    • And then it gets turned Up to Eleven in Dragons of Tarkir, with Epic Confrontation. Yes, that is still Surrak. Yes, he is punching a dragon so hard the dragon's fangs fly off.
  • Enthralling Victor, who does something common on red cards where he temporarily takes control of opponent's creatures. However, because of the art, it is implied that he does so because he is so incredibly sexy everyone wants to be on his side. There is a small goblin off to one side who very clearly likes whatever he or she sees!

    Mechanics 
  • There was a running theme for a while of having Goblins in various "professions" which all involved breaking what that profession usually builds. So Goblin Medics damage creatures, Goblin Gardener destroys lands, Goblin Masons destroy walls, and so on.
  • Azor's Elocutors can cause its controller to win the game by stagnating the game as they yap and yap and yap for five turns straight. So how do you stop them? Why, smash them on the face, of course!

    Tournament Play and other meta humor 
  • During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge... while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found here (at the end).
  • Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Unglued or Unhinged is included. Anytime. Just an example:
    (on turn 3)
    Friend 1: (stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Right hand. Go.
    Friend 2: (manages to go through his turn with his right hand behind his back) Go.
    Friend 1: (still stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Left hand. (smiles) Play with your feet, motherfucker.
  • At every opportunity, Wizards releases a "Mistform Ultimus Watch" that states every creature type the eponymous creature is. While it is amusing to have a creature that is, among other things, a Mutant, a Ninja, and a Turtle (No "Teenager" subtype yet), the funniest stuff comes from their snarky commentary on the matter.
    Mistform Ultimus Watch, Theros edition: Obviously, becoming a God is sort of a big deal.
  • The ol' Chaos Confetti story. In a nutshell, a tourney player used the card Chaos Orb, which dictates that you toss the card into the air and anything it ends up touching when it lands gets destroyed. Instead, this guy tore it into pieces and sprinkled it onto the field, destroying pretty much everything his opponent had. This story eventually became an Ascended Meme with the creation of Chaos Confetti.
    • For bonus points, in one version of this legend, his opponent just called a judge who disqualified him for not having enough cards in deck.
  • This article, a parody of Mark Rosewater's work over the previous few months written by another staffer.
    Maro: One morning, several years ago, I was sitting in my kitchen, eating a piping-hot bowl of cream of wheat.
    Evil Mark Rosewater: You live a life of danger!
    Maro: As I stared into this mushy glob of tastelessness, I became inspired.
    Maro: I asked myself, "Self, if cream of wheat was a Magic card, what would it look like?"
    Evil Mark Rosewater: And?
    Maro: Long story short, that's how Mercadian Masques came to be.
  • Persecute Artist. Longtime Magic artist Rebecca Guay is known for her beautiful, elegant watercolor illustrations for cards. At one point in time, she briefly came under fire from Magic's then-art director, Jeremy Cranford, for how "girly" her card art was. The legions of Guay's fans were so unhappy, the event was immortalized in Unhinged.
  • Doug Beyer, story director, on the relationship between Sorin and Ugin during the Tarkir story, and the visual version are hilarious.
    Sorin: THAT DRAGON HAD BETTER BE SUPER DEAD BECAUSE HE'S A PILE OF DRY BONES TO ME
  • One of the first commercials to show Magic R&D, and how they "tested" cards:
    Supervisor: (on the phone) Call in the Orgg and the Raging Goblin. ...what? The goblin's out sick? Then we'll just have to do without him. Send in...Bob from Accounting.
    (Bob is then shuffled into the testing ground, followed by the Orgg. Cue Bob screaming, followed by discretion shots of the "fight")
    Supervisor: I'd say the first round goes to the Orgg!note