Funny: Magic: The Gathering
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- The webcomic Journey to the Eye part 1. It's not easy to find a good guide to travel in a Death World...
- Dark Discoveries part 1. Don't butt into Tezzeret's business; he doesn't like it.
- Any new members of the Gruul on Planeswalker Points will get treated to a thought-provoking letter◊ from Borborygmos.
- The guild letter for the Izzet is also chuckle-worthy.
Welcome to the Izzet League, achievers of the impossible! Your work has led you to the guild that tries the untried, challenges the status quo, and defies such tedious concepts as "good enough" and "laboratory safety." Our mission is to venture unflinchingly into the unknown, with no concerns for the risks. Others may fear the volatility of our endeavors, but isn't ignorance the greatest danger of all? We understand that knowledge cannot be gained without passion, and that an explosion is the result.You've joined us at an especially exciting time. Our visionary guildmaster and parun, the dracogenius Niv-Mizzet, has us hard at work: funneling energy through the city's mana agitators, combining elemental weirds, and cranking the mizzium fluxboilers beyond their breaking point. So strap on your elemental gauntlets and prepare to explore beyond the boundaries of known magic!—Singe, Goblin Chemister of the Izzet
- In "The Secretist, Part 2", by Doug Beyer, Jace gets into a fight with Ruric-Thar. Unable to defeat a giant, two-headed, magic-resistant ogre with his usual arsenal of tricks and illusions, Jace throws the book out of the window and bites them in the kneepits. They are amused enough by this to concede and give him what he wants.
- Kiora prefers the direct approach in acquiring assistance from her soon-to-be minions:
"I like you, I also have a sea monster. Want to help me out?" —Kiora
- The uncharted realms article "The Gorgon and the Guildpact" has a few gems:
- Jace: "Is it murder?"Lavina: "Why do you say that?"Jace: "Because you're making that face. Your 'there's been a murder' face."Lavina: "More than one, in fact. I have a 'there's been a murder' face?"
"Oh." Jace heaved a breath. He really needed to get a desk at some point, with a big leather-bound chair that he could slump into at times like this. "Well. All right."
- After being told the bodies spell out his name:
"As soon as the door shut behind them, Jace's smile dropped, and he sat down on the large wooden desk he'd finally gotten around to installing. The desk creaked, and he frowned. He still needed a nice big chair to collapse into. Leather. Something expensive."
- And he does. No chair though.
- This gem from Planeswalker's Guide to Dragons of Tarkir Part1 1 (particularly given the context):
Many can understand at least the basic spoken language, particularly when the dragons enunciate slowly and clearly for their benefit. Relatively few can understand the complex spoken Draconic used in intense spiritual debates.
- Jace's Origin Story. After his first real planeswalk, he lands in Ravnica, and finds a woman who takes in stray children (which he now looks like), a woman named Emmara Tandris. Their first meeting:
Jace: (thinking) She’s beautiful.
Emmara: If you’ve come only to admire me, I’m afraid I haven’t the time.
Jace: You’re a mind reader?
Emmara: No. You’re a teenager.
- The mere fact that the Praetors, arguably the most terrifying creatures on New Phyrexia, are continuously bickering like bratty siblings.
Jin-Gitaxias: I despise Vorinclex and his slobberings about "evolution". Only I know true progress.
Vorinclex: Dead or alive, my creations are stronger than Jin-Gitaxias's septic minions.
- Elesh Norn's fanatical speeches can be a source of Black Comedy (no pun intended).
Ah, the glorious symphony of bitter hymns and forced hallelujahs! See the ignorant fall to their knees when I remove their heathen feet! All will be blessed with the pains of redemption! Look inside yourself to see the truth, or see my suture priests so they can open your chest to find it for you!
- Jace is apparantly a coffee addict.
"Coffee," said Jace. "The Living Guildpact rules that coffee is an acceptable substitution for rest, as specified in subsection . . . whatever."
- Sarkhan runs around the new Tarkir as giddy as a schoolchild, and gives bearhugs to goblins!
Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness, or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious.
- Counterspell (Jace vs. Chandra)
The pyromancer summoned up her mightiest onslaught of fire and rage. Jace feigned interest.
- Incinerate (Magic 2012)
"Spontaneous combustion is a myth. If you burst into flame, someone wanted you to." —Chandra Nalaar
- Chandra's mentor, Jaya Ballard, has a few legendary lines too.
"Yes, I think ‘toast' is an appropriate description." —Jaya Ballard, task mage"Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." —Jaya Ballard, task mage"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire." —Jaya Ballard, task mage"Overkill? This isn't a game of Kick-the-Ouphe." —Jaya Ballard, Task Mage"Eenie, meenie, minie, moe ...oh, why not all of them?" —Jaya Ballard, Task Mage
- In fact, Jaya's flavor text is so awesome that somebody went and founded a religious philosophy based off of it.
- Discombobulate (Onslaught/10th Edition)
"I said 'pick his brain," not 'tear off his head.'"
- Stranglehold (Commander)
The correct answer to a barbarian's riddle is to choke on your own cleverness and die.
- Hunted Dragon (Ravnica)
- Any quote related to goblins is bound to be this. Just to name a few:
"Everybody but me — CHARGE!"They certainly are.
- Fodder Cannon (Urza's Destiny)
Step 1: Find your cousin.
Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.
Step 3: Find another cousin.
- Goblin Balloon Brigade (Magic 2011)
- Goblin Spy
"Isn't he on our side?""Yep.""Why's he spyin' on us?""Don't ask."
- Goblin Assassin (Legions)
The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one.
- Goblin Lookout (Legions)
"Throw rocks at 'em! Throw spears at 'em! Throw Furt at 'em!"
- Wave of Indifference (Onslaught)
"There's a goblin sneaking up on you."
- Synapse Sliver (Legions)
"Species XR 17 feeds upon the mental energies of its victims. This explains why the goblins remain unaffected."
- Raging Goblin
He raged at the world, at his family, at his life. But mostly he just raged.
- Goblin Sky Raider (Tenth Edition)
"The goblin word for "flying" is more accurately translated as "falling slowly."
- Tin Street Hooligan (Guildpact)
"Rauck-Chauv's like a holiday! Only it isn't on the calendars, and instead of dancing you knock people flat, and instead of giving gifts you break stuff."
- Town Sentry (Portal: Second Age)
"So he's got a sword. Big deal."
"Yeah it's a big deal—it's a big sword!"
- Goblin Sledder (Elves vs. Goblins)
Let's play "sled". Here's how it works: You're the sled.
- Goblin Assault (Shards of Alara)
A goblin raid is a delicate gambit—a blend of stealth, precision, and screaming death.
- Hordeling Outburst (FNM Promo)
Kolaghan goblins rush into battle to satisfy their desire for violence as well as their desire not to be eaten.
- Dragon Fodder (Dragons of Tarkir)
Atarka goblins meet their demise as readily as their Temur counterparts did, but usually under big, winged shadows.
- Fodder Cannon (Urza's Destiny)
- Tormented Pariah ("moon" side) (Innistrad)
"Just look at him, groveling on all fours! What a pathetic—uh-oh."
- Orcish Artillery (Tenth Edition)
- Handcuffs (Unglued)
- Obliterate (Eighth Edition)
- Killer Instinct (Guildpact)
- Canyon Minotaur (2011 Core)
"We'll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side."
"Isn't the shortest route through the canyon?"
"So shouldn't we—"
- Aluren (Tempest)
Squee bounced up and down. "I sees a horsey, an' a piggy, an' a—"
"If you don't shut up," hissed Mirri, "you'll see a kidney and a spleeny."
- Deranged Assistant (Innistrad)
"Garl, adjust the slurry dispensers. Garl, fetch more corpses. Garl, quit crying and give me your brain tissue. If he doesn't stop being so rude, I'm quitting."
- Wheel of Torture (Urza's Legacy)
- Gorilla Titan's flavor text was on both the "most liked Odyssey flavor text" and "most hated Odyssey flavor text" lists.
"I want a banana this big!"
"I desire the acquisition of a potassium-rich fruit comestible of substantial magnitude."
- It was reprinted, with Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness, on Uktabi Kong (which in all other aspects is a parody of Uktabi Orangutan):
- Blackmail (9th Edition)
In addition to killing peasants, punishing subordinates, and raising an army of nightmares, Braids somehow found time for her favorite hobby: petty extortion.
- From Knights vs. Dragons, Alaborn Cavalier and his BFG:
"Course he ran! I wouldn't want to stare down that barrel, either!" —Alaborn Soldier
- Taunting Elf (Urza's Destiny)
Much to Multani's chagrin, Rofellos gleefully tutored Yavimaya's elves on the rudest and most vulgar words spoken in Llanowar.
- Dragon Appeasement (Alara Reborn)
"Look there—they carry that one upon a sedan chair. It must be their leader. Wait... Oh! Perhaps not."
- Lhurgoyf (Ice Age)
"Ach! Hans, run! It's the Lhurgoyf!" —Saffi Eriksdotter, last words
"Not again!" —Hans
- Plated Spider (Beatdown)
"Most spiders wait patiently for prey to arrive. Most spiders aren't forty feet tall."
- The Rise of the Eldrazi card Daggerback Basilisk has Samila from Murasa Expeditionary House listing its talents:
Petrifying gaze, deadly fangs, knifelike dorsal spines, venomous saliva...Am I missing anything?...Toxic bones? Seriously?
- Mortify is straight to the point.
Many who cross Sorin's path come down with a sudden and fatal case of being-in-the-way-of-a-millennia-old-vampire.
- The Judgment card Cabal Trainee, from the look on the trainee's face to the instructor, but the flavor text is what seals it:
"Ah, a faceshredder. Very rare. Nearly unstoppable. Good luck!"
- The flavour text for Pitchburn Devils:
The ingenuity of goblins, the depravity of demons, and the smarts of sheep.
- Azorius Arrester:
"You have the right to remain silent. Mostly because I tire of your excuses."
- Righteous Charge:
- Null Rod:
Gerard: "But it doesn't do anything!"Hannah: "No—it does nothing!"
- Break Open:
- Sea's Claim:
- Village Ironsmith (Innistrad):
- Yavimaya Wurm (Urza's Legacy):
"When the gorilla playfully grabbed the wurm's tail, the wurm doubled back and playfully ate the gorilla's head."
- Gorgon's Head (Born of the Gods):
"You slew the gorgon? Show me." - King Igalus, last words
- Many of the Archenemy scheme cards. But especially Behold the Power of Destruction:
"I'd call that a successful first test. Golem! Rearm the Doom Citadel!"
"The lawmage's argument was clever and well reasoned, but Blunk's response proved irrefutable."
- City of Ass. It even comes into play tapped!
- Riptide Chimera (Journey into Nyx), with its shark head and piranha head and its ability to fly:
"I want one." —Kiora
- Meteorite (2015 Core), which depicts a meteorite that fell on top of someone:
"And if I'm lying," he began . . .
- Ensoul Artifact (Magic 2015), which depicts a giant pair of ensouled scissors rampaging across a marketplace:
- Carnival of Souls
"‘Davvol, blast those elves.' ‘Davvol, transport those troops.' No one cares that today is my birthday."As no one has ever accepted a second invitation to Davvol's table, the evincar often dines alone.
- Goblin Secret Agent:
LICENSE TO BE KILLED
- Basilica Guards features two guards asking for a bribe. Clear a Path shows a way to deal with this:
"Why do guards always look surprised when we bash them?" asked Ruric. "I think they expect a bribe," said Thar.
- Squee, Goblin Nabob
"Some goblins are expendable. Some are impossible to get rid of. But he's both—at the same time!" —Starke
- Mardu Blazebringer (Khans of Tarkir)
"Make sure he's pointed in the right direction before you light him. And don't let the goblins anywhere near the torch." —Kerai Suddenblade
- Inspiration (Return to Ravnica):
- Zombie Goliath (Magic 2010)
"Phirax of Blood Ridge has sent a war giant at us? What, do I have to spell it out for you? Kill the giant, scoop out its skull, and drive it back to Blood Ridge. Honestly, what kind of necromancer minions are you?"
—Keren-Dur, necromancer lord
- Pacifism and the Mirage version is a classic:
For the first time in his life, Grakk felt a little warm and fuzzy inside.
If I fight, I might step on a butterfly! And that would be sad.
- And the version from Dragons of Tarkir became a fan favorite pretty quickly too:
- Gobbling Ooze, which exemplifies the Simic Combine's brand of problem solving perfectly.
The furious citizens blamed the Simic for releasing it in their district. The Simic pointed out that rats were no longer a problem.
"We raised eelhawks to control the squidflies, then waspcrabs to prey on the eelhawks. Now what do we do with all these waspcrabs?"—Gulistan, Simic biomancer
- Nevertheless, they sometimes do create more problems by making things that solve earlier problems, like this Species Gorger
- Voyaging Satyr
- Savage Punch, quite possibly the most Rated M for Manly Magic card ever.
Maro: I remember the first time I saw the art for Savage Punch. I didn't even realize that it was Surrak Dragonclaw, the khan of the Temur, doing the punching. It didn't even matter. During the slideshow when it was shown, it got a similar response from the audience. We included it in the San Diego Comic-Con panel because we expected the same would hold true for the players. And it did. I saw more talk about bear punching than any other single attribute we showed off at the panel.Maro: So how exactly did this art come to be? Was the card called Bear Punch in design? I wish my team could take responsibility, but this all happened during the card conception done by Doug Beyer. It's possible someone else came up with the "Surrak single-handedly beating a bear with his fists" concept and Doug found a place to fit it in. Nonetheless, this is a magical moment that I'm very happy got forever captured on a Khans of Tarkir card.
- Maro's story of where that card came from:
- Enthralling Victor◊, who does something common on red cards where he temporarily takes control of opponent's creatures. However, because of the art, it is implied that he does so because he is so incredibly sexy everyone wants to be on his side. There is a small goblin off to one side who very clearly likes whatever he or she sees!
- And apparently at least one fan keeps thinking that Enthralling Victor◊ is a guy named Victor who happens to be enthralling.
- There was a running theme for a while of having Goblins in various "professions" which all involved breaking what that profession usually builds. So Goblin Medics damage creatures, Goblin Gardener destroys lands, Goblin Masons destroy walls, and so on.
- Azor's Elocutors can cause its controller to win the game by stagnating the game as they yap and yap and yap for five turns straight. So how do you stop them? Why, smash them on the face, of course!
Tournament Play and other meta humor
- During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge... while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found here (at the end).
- Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Unglued or Unhinged is included. Anytime. Just an example:
- At every opportunity, Wizards releases a "Mistform Ultimus Watch" that states every creature type the eponymous creature is. While it is amusing to have a creature that is, among other things, a Mutant, a Ninja, and a Turtle (No "Teenager" subtype yet), the funniest stuff comes from their snarky commentary on the matter.
Mistform Ultimus Watch, Theros edition: Obviously, becoming a God is sort of a big deal.
- The ol' Chaos Confetti story. In a nutshell, a tourney player used the card Chaos Orb, which dictates that you toss the card into the air and anything it ends up touching when it lands gets destroyed. Instead, this guy tore it into pieces and sprinkled it onto the field, destroying pretty much everything his opponent had. This story eventually became an Ascended Meme with the creation of Chaos Confetti.
- For bonus points, in one version of this legend, his opponent just called a judge who disqualified him for not having enough cards in deck.
- This article, a parody of Mark Rosewater's work over the previous few months written by another staffer.
Maro: One morning, several years ago, I was sitting in my kitchen, eating a piping-hot bowl of cream of wheat.
Evil Mark Rosewater: You live a life of danger!
Maro: As I stared into this mushy glob of tastelessness, I became inspired.
Maro: I asked myself, "Self, if cream of wheat was a Magic card, what would it look like?"
Evil Mark Rosewater: And?
Maro: Long story short, that's how Mercadian Masques came to be.
- Persecute Artist. Longtime Magic artist Rebecca Guay is known for her beautiful, elegant watercolor illustrations for cards. At one point in time, she briefly came under fire from Magic's then-art director, Jeremy Cranford, for how "girly" her card art was. The legions of Guay's fans were so unhappy, the event was immortalized in Unhinged.
- Fascist Art Director is another card that refers to that incident.
- Doug Beyer, story director, on the relationship between Sorin and Ugin during the Tarkir story, and the visual version are hilarious.
Sorin: THAT DRAGON HAD BETTER BE SUPER DEAD BECAUSE HE'S A PILE OF DRY BONES TO ME
- One of the first commercials to show Magic R&D, and how they "tested" cards:
Supervisor: (on the phone) Call in the Orgg and the Raging Goblin. ...what? The goblin's out sick? Then we'll just have to do without him. Send in...Bob from Accounting.
(Bob is then shuffled into the testing ground, followed by the Orgg. Cue Bob screaming, followed by discretion shots of the "fight")
Supervisor: I'd say the first round goes to the Orgg!note
- In the set Battle for Zendikar there is a card called Void Winnower an Eldrazi (Eldritch Abomination) who keeps opponents from playing spells with even converted mana costs or blocking with creatures with even converted mana costs. The official card profile on The Gatherer has several additional rulings that explain how the card works. The last one however is an Easter Egg: