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- The webcomic Journey to the Eye part 1. It's not easy to find a good guide to travel in a Death World...
- Dark Discoveries part 1. Don't butt into Tezzeret's business; he doesn't like it.
- Any new members of the Gruul on Planeswalker Points will get treated to a thought-provoking letter◊ from Borborygmos.
- The guild letter for the Izzet is also chuckle-worthy.
Welcome to the Izzet League, achievers of the impossible! Your work has led you to the guild that tries the untried, challenges the status quo, and defies such tedious concepts as "good enough" and "laboratory safety." Our mission is to venture unflinchingly into the unknown, with no concerns for the risks. Others may fear the volatility of our endeavors, but isn't ignorance the greatest danger of all? We understand that knowledge cannot be gained without passion, and that an explosion is the result.You've joined us at an especially exciting time. Our visionary guildmaster and parun, the dracogenius Niv-Mizzet, has us hard at work: funneling energy through the city's mana agitators, combining elemental weirds, and cranking the mizzium fluxboilers beyond their breaking point. So strap on your elemental gauntlets and prepare to explore beyond the boundaries of known magic!—Singe, Goblin Chemister of the Izzet
- In "The Secretist, Part 2", by Doug Beyer, Jace gets into a fight with Ruric-Thar. Unable to defeat a giant, two-headed, magic-resistant ogre with his usual arsenal of tricks and illusions, Jace throws the book out of the window and bites them in the kneepits. They are amused enough by this to concede and give him what he wants.
- Kiora prefers the direct approach in acquiring assistance from her soon-to-be minions:
"I like you, I also have a sea monster. Want to help me out?" — Kiora
- The uncharted realms article "The Gorgon and the Guildpact" has a few gems:
Lavina: Is it murder?Jace: Why do you say that?Lavina: Because you're making that face. Your 'there's been a murder' face.Jace: I have a 'there's been a murder' face?Lavina: More than one, in fact.
- After being told the bodies spell out his name:
"Oh." Jace heaved a breath. He really needed to get a desk at some point, with a big leather-bound chair that he could slump into at times like this. "Well. All right."
- And he does. No chair, though.
"As soon as the door shut behind them, Jace's smile dropped, and he sat down on the large wooden desk he'd finally gotten around to installing. The desk creaked, and he frowned. He still needed a nice big chair to collapse into. Leather. Something expensive."
- After being told the bodies spell out his name:
- This gem from Planeswalker's Guide to Dragons of Tarkir Part 1 (particularly given the context):
Many can understand at least the basic spoken language, particularly when the dragons enunciate slowly and clearly for their benefit. Relatively few can understand the complex spoken Draconic used in intense spiritual debates.
- Jace's Origin Story. After his first real planeswalk, he lands in Ravnica, and finds a woman who takes in stray children (which he now looks like), a woman named Emmara Tandris. Their first meeting:
Jace: (thinking) She's beautiful.
Emmara: If you've come only to admire me, I'm afraid I haven't the time.
Jace: You're a mind reader?
Emmara: No. You're a teenager.
- The mere fact that the Praetors, arguably the most terrifying creatures on New Phyrexia, are continuously bickering like bratty siblings.
Jin-Gitaxias: I despise Vorinclex and his slobberings about "evolution". Only I know true progress.
Vorinclex: Dead or alive, my creations are stronger than Jin-Gitaxias's septic minions.
- Elesh Norn's fanatical speeches can be a source of Black Comedy (no pun intended).
Ah, the glorious symphony of bitter hymns and forced hallelujahs! See the ignorant fall to their knees when I remove their heathen feet! All will be blessed with the pains of redemption! Look inside yourself to see the truth, or see my suture priests so they can open your chest to find it for you!
- Jace is apparently a coffee addict.
"Coffee," said Jace. "The Living Guildpact rules that coffee is an acceptable substitution for rest, as specified in subsection... whatever."
- In This Very Arena, Jace meets up with Ral Zarek...
Ral Zarek: (sitting down next to Jace) The Guildpact is a—(followed by a colorfully vulgar and startlingly visual torrent of phrases.)
Jace: (sighs audibly)
Ral: (chuckling) Just testing if you could really read my thoughts.
- Sarkhan runs around the new Tarkir as giddy as a schoolchild, and gives bearhugs to goblins!
- In "The Darksteel Eye", one of the Mirrodin novels, Glissa the elf, Slobad the goblin, and Bosh the giant iron Golem are faced with a blockade of enemies they have to get past. They do this by Bosh stuffing the other two in his chest cavity and curling up, bowling over the entire group of enemies. Halfway through the ride, Slobad throws up over Glissa's feet, for which she promptly scolds him. Seconds later, she goes too. Bosh is annoyed at how much that will make his inner workings itch.
- A good portion of Jace's conversation with Liliana is just pure funny. The Quotes page can elaborate.
- Also, Jace completely screwing up his conversation with the guide leading him through Stensia. And then only realising he's a werewolf when his mindreading tells him as much.
- "Games" is another story highlighting the Sibling Rivalry between Gisa and Geralf. Here's some gems:
Gisa: GUESS WHO JUST BROKE OUT OF PRISON!
- After Gisa escapes imprisonment (thanks to Geralf's skaabs, something she's not the least bit thankful for), she announces her return to Geralf in this exchange:
Geralf: Gisa, You don't just say "guess who" and then answer it in the signature, moron.
- Your ever-loving sister, Gisa
You are being incredibly irresponsible. Put Mummy and Father back in the ground where they belong.
- Gisa has recently undergone a messed-up form of catharsis by raising the corpses of their parents and venting to them. Geralf's response?
Gisa: Dear Meat Embroiderer, Why aren't you answering my letters. It's because you have a girlfriend, isn't it.Geralf: Please do not bring that up. Lili was never my girlfriend! (...) Here is a foot covered in gout. It reminded me of your personality.
- Geralf eventually gets annoyed at Gisa's constant nagging on him, and thus he decides to ignore her letters (and a few Embarrassing Nickname she throws at him), up to a point.
- Innistrad's Last Hope tells of the Planeswalkers that make up the Gatewatch experiencing Innistrad's Darkest Hour, what with the Eldrazi titan Emrakul and her lineage wreaking havoc on the world. Liliana is, meanwhile, working on an experiment that'll allow her to use the Chain Veil without it hurting her in the process. The experiment...leaves a bit to be desired...
Geistmage Dierk: The collectors are raised, madam. And the storm is reaching its peak. But I feel obligated to point out that we'll be coursing an enormous dose of spectral energy directly into the artifact...
Liliana: You don't have to warn me.
Dierk: ...powered by the force of a lightning storm...
Dierk: ...while you are wearing it...
Liliana: I know.
Dierk: ...on your face.
Liliana: (rolling her eyes) The flow of geist energy through the orb will thus act as a kind of spectral antenna, shunting the object's counterassault away from the subject, sublimating the backlash as harmless atmospheric static, circumventing all repercussions and thereby allowing free utilization of the artifact.
Dierk: (not totally convinced) That is the theory.
- Chandra is a bit more willing to hear Liliana out than Gideon in The Battle of Thraben.
Chandra: The nice lady with the uncomfortable dress just saved our butts, Gideon. Calm down a second.
- In The Promised End, Jace finds himself in a tower where he encounters a copy of himself. To prove that he and the copy are the same, the copy asks Jace a simple riddle. Jace solves it quickly, and as it turns out...
The point of the riddle wasn't to see if he solved it. The point was to see how dismissive and incredulous he was at an easy riddle. He nodded. Okay, this is me. He knew the copy was thinking the same thing.
- Jace's frustration over getting a taste of his own medicine dealing with himself.
Jace: Am I really this infuriating? I am this infuriating. I need to work on that.
- Jace's frustration over getting a taste of his own medicine dealing with himself.
- Homesick, the introductory story to the Kaladesh set. While it has some particularly serious plot elements (namely, Chandra getting furious upon being reminded of her childhood tragedy when meeting someone from her home plane), the rest of the story reads like a sitcom episode. Some gems:
- The complete stream of consciousness style of writing when the story is being told from Chandra's point of view. She does not have a very long attention span.
- Despite being centuries old, Liliana doesn't even know what a mango is.
- Liliana and Chandra acting like wacky siblings, complete with Liliana cutting off Chandra's necromancer jokes... then letting her have one anyway, just out of friendship.
- Jace and Gideon end up arguing about who's in charge while talking with their very-much-perfectionist guest, Dovin Baan.
Jace: Gideon is the battlefield commander...
Gideon: Jace is the administrator...
Jace: But we both...
Gideon: But neither of us...
Baan was clutching his head as if he had a migraine.
- Chandra is understandably upset when she found out Dovin Baan is a Consulate representative from Kaladesh, and she decides to vent her frustration on a punching bag. She accidentally sets it on fire, so she douses it, leaving a mess of wet sand from the broken punching bag. What does she do next?
[Liliana] leaned one hip against the door into Beefslab'snote gymnasium. After the scene downstairs, she'd expected fire damage. The sandcastle was a surprise.
- After the punching bag issue, Chandra runs off to Nissa for comfort, but botches her conversation with her, then flees after saying too many wrong words.
Chandra: (in her mind, after muttering random stuff) WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY FACE?
- And right after that, she bolts off outside, but when passing by Gideon (who is inspecting the fire damage Chandra did just earlier), she quickly apologizes.
Chandra: SorryIblewupyourthingy!Gideon: (after Chandra is out of view) Careful! You might fall!
- Chandra and Liliana's next appearance in Torch of Defiance is less hilarious, but still has Liliana being such a bad influence, culminating in her bringing down the guards on them by hurling an obscenity at Consulate vedalken, throwing her drink in his face, and smugly boasting about how proud they are to be renegade sympathisers.
Chandra: Liliana, you're two centuries older than me. Exactly which of us is supposed to be the responsible one?
Liliana: Let me tell you a secret. There doesn't have to be a responsible one.
- Release: Chandra meets Ajani for the first time.
Chandra: Whoa, big kitty, got arms like Gids (Gideon).[Ajani] wondered what gids were.
- In This Very Arena. The Gatewatch reassemble and Ajani is a bit behind on recent story developments.
"It seems this is a matter for the Gatewatch," Jace said.
Nissa abandoned her spell and wiped a hand down her face. "Your disguises work a little too well. We were about to injure you very badly."
"Just trying to blend in," Jace said. "We heard Tezzeret is here?"
"He's here, and he has Chandra's mother," said Ajani.
"What's a leonin doing with you?" Liliana asked, sizing up Ajani.
"What's a Gatewatch?" Ajani asked, looking down at her.
- Jace also hasn't been totally diligent with his work as the Guildpact...
He thought then of Lavinia, who was convinced Jace was still in his office right now, hunched over a sheaf of papers, dutifully doing the grunt work of maintaining the delicate balance between the guilds. Or maybe she had already discovered the studious illusion he left behind, and was in the midst of yelling "GUILDPAAAACT!" at the ceiling in that way that she did.
- Jace also hasn't been totally diligent with his work as the Guildpact...
- In Burn, Dovin Baan got Tezzeret to flip out, and then told him after the tantrum that he was "unimpressed" with him yelling at their aether crew for results.
- And later, following the reveal of Baral's numerous deceptions and abuses of his Consulate position and subsequent arrest, Baral snarls that Dovin Baan's actions will not be forgotten. Dovin Baan's response is a cool retort of "Excellent. I do not care to repeat myself." From the Magic equivalent of vulcans, that's likely the closest you'll get to flipping the bird.
- Also, this entire exchange:
The girl hollered obscenities up at them, constellations of sparks spinning from her eyes in the downdraft.Baan yanked the megaphone to his mouth. "Those devices are certified for external use only. A malfunction could seriously injure one's sph—"She gestured up at him, emphatically.
- Noyan Dar's meeting with Gideon is hilarious from start to finish. Starting with:
The man looked at him closely and said, "I'm Gideon Jura. I'm looking for the roilmage, Noyan Dar. You have some blood on your nose. Are you well?" The look of concern was so genuine Noyan wanted to scream.He did, just a little. It was the best he felt all morning.
- A look into Chandra's mind while fighting wurms in Impact, the first story of the Amonkhet set...
HOLY FIERY RIVERS OF REGATHA WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT THING AND DID IT JUST EAT LILIANA NO WAY WHAT THE HELL DIE IN A PILLAR OF FLAME YOU BIG FAT STUPID WAIT DID NISSA JUST SAY THERE WERE MORE COMING OH GEEZ YUP THERE THEY ARE GET OUT OF THE WAY I'LL ROAST YOU ALL GIVE BACK LILIANA YOU STUPID SONS OF INBRED BANDARS—
- Jace considers why Nicol Bolas might have built a pair of miles-tall monuments shaped like his horns.
Sure, it was easy to think Nicol Bolas's ego was such that he'd build a mighty monument to himself just because he could. Yet Bolas wasn't one for wasteful, narcissistic grand gestures. No, his gestures always served hidden purposes several layers deep and were excessively narcissistic and grandiose.
- The Writing on the Wall: Nissa decides to go for a walk and wakes up Chandra, who agrees after some breakfast... Cue a mummy barging in with a tray, scaring both Nissa and Chandra and causing Jace to fall out of bed in surprise. He turns and angrily asks through the wall Liliana if it's one of hers.
Liliana: Not mine!
- Judgment. Samut really, really wants to convince her best friend Djeru that the Trials is a sham and thus she has asked him to meet her in a secret place. And to throw off suspicions... she forced him to dress as a mummy. He is not amused.
Samut: But [the mummy disguise] got you here without getting either of us killed.
Djeru: I can barely move. Get me out of this.
- While the rest of Feast is pretty much pure Nightmare Fuel, there is something incredibly hilarious about Razaketh announcing that he's found Lilliana in the crowd by using his contract-granted People Puppets ability to make her own hand wave at her.
- Hour of Devastation. Bolas ensures that his victory over the Gatewatch is as entertaining as it is brutal, throwing out plenty of snark while repeatedly bouncing Gideon against a brick wall with his tail like a human paddleball.
He wondered how much it would crush their spirits if he applauded. Metaphorically, of course. His talons did not clap together well.
- A few jewels that confirm that Grixis is the combination of snarking:
They fancied themselves The Gatewatch. As though for some bizarre reason there were gates scattered throughout the Multiverse. That deserved watching.
Oh, they probably had a plan. A plan, charitably, could consist of kill the dragon. Or, you burn it, you zombie it, you elemental it, you illusion it, you block it...On Jace: "That was your mind expert, I believe? Do you have a spare? I can wait, or I promise not to listen if you shout at each other." Nicol Bolas lingered on each word, his voice rumbling through the open plaza, punctuated only by the continued thwaps as he bounced Gideon off the wall.On Liliana: And then there were three. I didn't want to annoy your dear departed necromancer, but between us, I admit I know a fair bit of necromancy. Do you have an opening in your Gatewatch? Is there some type of application process?On... well: Chandra Nalaar. You had so many useful characteristics. Powerful. Emotionally unstable. Easy to manipulate. Refreshingly predictable unpredictability. I really wanted to make this work... But fire against a dragon? I have standards.On Gideon: "Will not win? Will not win?" Bolas's laughed rumbled through the plaza. "Gideon Jura, you are very bad at analyzing reality. I have fought against thousands of generals, thousands of tacticians and strategists and battle masterminds. You might be the worst. Let me help you. Ignoring obvious reality is a fatal flaw in our line of work. By all means, I understand the importance of... aspirations, but being able to accurately assess the facts in front of you is an essential skill in the trade."
- Jace, Alone: Jace has tried and failed to planeswalk away from Ixalan due to the strange barrier surrounding the plane. His reaction? To drop his biggest Atomic F-Bomb.
- That isn't even the icing on the cake for "Jace, Alone". There's plenty of humor to be had: After calling the island he's stranded on "Useless island!" in a fit of frustration at not being able to light a fire, he starts using it as a term of affection. Even in his memories, fractured as they are, he refers to it as Useless Island.
- A Question of Confidence shows how Huatli's spark ignites during a fight with Angrath the minotaur planeswalker. While she isn't able to leave Ixalan due to the plane's unique binding magic, she sees the Kaladesh city of Ghirapur... and ends up mistaking that experience as a prophetic vision of the lost city of Orazca.
- The Race, Part 2:
Angrath: Whatever prevents us from leaving this plane is locked in that city. We can help each other escape to different worlds if we find it. (Huatli feels slightly hopeful) And all we have to do is kill everyone who tries to steal Orazca from our grasp.Huatli, in her head: Spectacular. The murder monster wants to be my friend.
- Vraska has grown fond enough of Jace that she wants to petrify whoever caused his memory loss... unaware that her own boss, Nicol Bolas did it.
- Angrath is still trying to get Huatli to join his cause (to disable Ixalan's anti-planewalking magic), and he's extremely straightforward and tactless about it: Yelling on top of his lungs to get her attention, yanking her with chains to stop her from running away, and this gem at the end.
Angrath: You are like me.
- Before that, Huatli mistakes Angrath telling her about her planeswalking ability with him trying to pull a Not So Different, leading to this gem (the text even points out that Huatli is being really dramatic):
Huatli: I will never be like you!
Angrath: No, idiot, not like that.
- Huatli finds herself on the opposite end on the spectrum while traveling with Tishana. After one cryptic shamanic comment from her, Huatli just rolls her eyes, and we are told it's the sixth time it happened that day.
- The Arbiter of Law Left Chaos in His Wake. After Angrath tries to sprint to Orazca ahead of Huatli, she summons a dinosaur to pin him down as she (and Tishana) goes to Orazca. Angrath presumably breaks free off-screen, roasts the dinosaur, then smashes his way into the room with the Immortal Sun, casually tossing the dinosaur's head at Huatli.
Huatli: You are AWFUL!Angrath: YOU MADE YOUR DINOSAUR STAND ON TOP OF ME!
- Who Tells The Stories.
Angrath: I HATE THIS PLANE, I HATE THIS CITY, AND I WISH YOU ALL A VISCERALLY PAINFUL DEATH! SEE YOU NEVER, PATHETIC FOOLS!
- Angrath's last words to the plane of Ixalan and its people?
- Huatli's bringing her new mount home is described as being more or less like getting used to a bigger horse. Said new mount happens to be Zacama, Primal Calamity.
- Two of the non-canon alternate endings for the Rivals of Ixalan storyline.
Malcolm: Will you join me for ale and cards, Co-Emperor Breeches?Breeches: Yes, Co-Emperor Malcolm! GOLD AND ALE AND CARDS!
- In the "Vampire" ending, Saint Elenda gives Vona permission to try and claim Orazaca for the Legion of Dusk. Vona rushes to the city and finds it empty. She exults, shouting her triumph to the heavens... and then one of the Elder Dinosaurs eats her.
- In the "Pirate" ending, Vraska's crew realize that they're the last ones left in Orazaca. A week later, the city is packed with drunk pirates celebrating the biggest treasure find in the history of the Coalition.
Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness, or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious.
- Jaya Ballard, Magic's most beloved pyromancer, has quite a few legendary lines.
"Yes, I think 'toast' is an appropriate description." — Jaya Ballard, task mage"Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." —Jaya Ballard, task mage"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire." —Jaya Ballard, task mage"Overkill? This isn't a game of Kick-the-Ouphe." —Jaya Ballard, Task Mage"Eenie, meenie, minie, moe ...oh, why not all of them?" —Jaya Ballard, Task Mage"And I say north is where I want it to be!" —Jaya Ballard, Task Mage
- In fact, Jaya's flavor text is so awesome that somebody went and founded a religious philosophy based off of it.
- Jaya's protege-of-sorts, Chandra Nalaar, inherits her sheer snark.
"Spontaneous combustion is a myth. If you burst into flame, someone wanted you to." —Chandra Nalaar
Chandra: (with numerous enemies burning in front of her) "Hang on. I'm just tidying up..."
- She strikes gold in Eldritch Moon, with cards like Spreading Flames...
"What's your plan?" Gideon asked."Are you serious?" Chandra replied.
- And Incendiary Flow:
- Counterspell (Jace vs. Chandra)
The pyromancer summoned up her mightiest onslaught of fire and rage. Jace feigned interest.
- Discombobulate (Onslaught/10th Edition)
"I said 'pick his brain," not 'tear off his head.'"
- Stranglehold (Commander)
The correct answer to a barbarian's riddle is to choke on your own cleverness and die.
- Hunted Dragon (Ravnica)
- Any quote related to goblins is bound to be this. Just to name a few:
"Everybody but me — CHARGE!"They certainly are.
- Goblin Digging Team
"From down here we can make the whole wall collapse?"
"Uh, yeah, boss, but how do we get out?"
- Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician (Time Spiral/Elves vs. Goblins)
- Fodder Cannon (Urza's Destiny)
Step 1: Find your cousin.
Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.
Step 3: Find another cousin.
- Goblin Balloon Brigade (Magic 2011)
"The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!"
"From up here we can drop rocks and arrows and more rocks"
- From an earlier edition:
"Uh, yeah boss, but how do we get down?"
- Goblin Spy
"Isn't he on our side?""Yep.""Why's he spyin' on us?""Don't ask."
- Goblin Assassin (Legions)
The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one.
- Goblin Lookout (Legions)
"Throw rocks at 'em! Throw spears at 'em! Throw Furt at 'em!"
- Wave of Indifference (Onslaught)
"There's a goblin sneaking up on you."
- Synapse Sliver (Legions)
"Species XR 17 feeds upon the mental energies of its victims. This explains why the goblins remain unaffected."
- Raging Goblin
He raged at the world, at his family, at his life. But mostly he just raged.
- Goblin Sky Raider (Tenth Edition)
"The goblin word for "flying" is more accurately translated as "falling slowly."
- Tin Street Hooligan (Guildpact)
"Rauck-Chauv's like a holiday! Only it isn't on the calendars, and instead of dancing you knock people flat, and instead of giving gifts you break stuff."
- Town Sentry (Portal: Second Age)
"So he's got a sword. Big deal."
"Yeah it's a big deal—it's a big sword!"
- Goblin Sledder (Elves vs. Goblins)
Let's play "sled". Here's how it works: You're the sled.
- Goblin Assault (Shards of Alara)
A goblin raid is a delicate gambit—a blend of stealth, precision, and screaming death.
- Hordeling Outburst (FNM Promo)
Kolaghan goblins rush into battle to satisfy their desire for violence as well as their desire not to be eaten.
- Dragon Fodder (Dragons of Tarkir)
Atarka goblins meet their demise as readily as their Temur counterparts did, but usually under big, winged shadows.
- Goblin Digging Team
- Tormented Pariah ("moon" side) (Innistrad)
"Just look at him, groveling on all fours! What a pathetic—uh-oh."
- Orcish Artillery (Tenth Edition)
- Handcuffs (Unglued)
- Obliterate (Eighth Edition)
- Killer Instinct (Guildpact)
- Canyon Minotaur (2011 Core)
"We'll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side."
"Isn't the shortest route through the canyon?"
"So shouldn't we—"
- Aluren (Tempest)
Squee bounced up and down. "I sees a horsey, an' a piggy, an' a—"
"If you don't shut up," hissed Mirri, "you'll see a kidney and a spleeny."
- Deranged Assistant (Innistrad)
"Garl, adjust the slurry dispensers. Garl, fetch more corpses. Garl, quit crying and give me your brain tissue. If he doesn't stop being so rude, I'm quitting."
- Wheel of Torture (Urza's Legacy)
- Gorilla Titan's flavor text was on both the "most liked Odyssey flavor text" and "most hated Odyssey flavor text" lists.
"I want a banana this big!"
"I desire the acquisition of a potassium-rich fruit comestible of substantial magnitude."
- It was reprinted, with Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness, on Uktabi Kong (which in all other aspects is a parody of Uktabi Orangutan):
- Blackmail (9th Edition)
In addition to killing peasants, punishing subordinates, and raising an army of nightmares, Braids somehow found time for her favorite hobby: petty extortion.
- From Knights vs. Dragons, Alaborn Cavalier and his BFG:
"Course he ran! I wouldn't want to stare down that barrel, either!" —Alaborn Soldier
- Taunting Elf (Urza's Destiny)
Much to Multani's chagrin, Rofellos gleefully tutored Yavimaya's elves on the rudest and most vulgar words spoken in Llanowar.
- Dragon Appeasement (Alara Reborn)
"Look there—they carry that one upon a sedan chair. It must be their leader. Wait... Oh! Perhaps not."
- Lhurgoyf (Ice Age)
"Ach! Hans, run! It's the Lhurgoyf!" —Saffi Eriksdotter, last words
"Not again!" —Hans
- Plated Spider (Beatdown)
"Most spiders wait patiently for prey to arrive. Most spiders aren't forty feet tall."
- The Rise of the Eldrazi card Daggerback Basilisk has Samila from Murasa Expeditionary House listing its talents:
Petrifying gaze, deadly fangs, knifelike dorsal spines, venomous saliva...Am I missing anything?...Toxic bones? Seriously?
- Mortify is straight to the point.
Many who cross Sorin's path come down with a sudden and fatal case of being-in-the-way-of-a-millennia-old-vampire.
- The Judgment card Cabal Trainee, from the look on the trainee's face to the instructor, but the flavor text is what seals it:
"Ah, a faceshredder. Very rare. Nearly unstoppable. Good luck!"
- The flavour text for Pitchburn Devils:
The ingenuity of goblins, the depravity of demons, and the smarts of sheep.
- Azorius Arrester:
"You have the right to remain silent. Mostly because I tire of your excuses."
- Righteous Charge:
- Null Rod:
Gerard: "But it doesn't do anything!"Hannah: "No—it does nothing!"
- Break Open:
- Sea's Claim:
- Village Ironsmith (Innistrad):
- Yavimaya Wurm (Urza's Legacy):
"When the gorilla playfully grabbed the wurm's tail, the wurm doubled back and playfully ate the gorilla's head."
- Gorgon's Head (Born of the Gods):
"You slew the gorgon? Show me." — King Igalus, last words
- Many of the Archenemy scheme cards. But especially Behold the Power of Destruction:
"I'd call that a successful first test. Golem! Rearm the Doom Citadel!"
"The lawmage's argument was clever and well reasoned, but Blunk's response proved irrefutable."
- City of Ass. It even comes into play tapped!
- Riptide Chimera (Journey into Nyx), with its shark head and piranha head and its ability to fly:
"I want one." —Kiora
- Meteorite (2015 Core), which depicts a meteorite that fell on top of someone:
"And if I'm lying," he began...
- Ensoul Artifact (Magic 2015), which depicts a giant pair of ensouled scissors rampaging across a marketplace:
- Carnival of Souls
"‘Davvol, blast those elves.’ ‘Davvol, transport those troops.’ No one cares that today is my birthday."As no one has ever accepted a second invitation to Davvol's table, the evincar often dines alone.
- Goblin Secret Agent:
LICENSE TO BE KILLED
- Basilica Guards features two guards asking for a bribe. Clear a Path shows a way to deal with this:
"Why do guards always look surprised when we bash them?" asked Ruric. "I think they expect a bribe," said Thar.
- Squee, Goblin Nabob
"Some goblins are expendable. Some are impossible to get rid of. But he's both—at the same time!" —Starke
- Mardu Blazebringer (Khans of Tarkir)
"Make sure he's pointed in the right direction before you light him. And don't let the goblins anywhere near the torch." —Kerai Suddenblade
- Inspiration (Return to Ravnica):
- Zombie Goliath (Magic 2010)
"Phirax of Blood Ridge has sent a war giant at us? What, do I have to spell it out for you? Kill the giant, scoop out its skull, and drive it back to Blood Ridge. Honestly, what kind of necromancer minions are you?"
—Keren-Dur, necromancer lord
- Pacifism and the Mirage version is a classic:
For the first time in his life, Grakk felt a little warm and fuzzy inside.
If I fight, I might step on a butterfly. That would be sad.
- And the version from Dragons of Tarkir became a fan favorite pretty quickly too:
- Gobbling Ooze, which exemplifies the Simic Combine's brand of problem solving perfectly.
The furious citizens blamed the Simic for releasing it in their district. The Simic pointed out that rats were no longer a problem.
"We raised eelhawks to control the squidflies, then waspcrabs to prey on the eelhawks. Now what do we do with all these waspcrabs?"—Gulistan, Simic biomancer
- Nevertheless, they sometimes do create more problems by making things that solve earlier problems, like this Species Gorger:
- The flavor text for Knight Watch, coupled with its art:
"We lost respect after the battle for Barbu Rooftop. Send the troops to mingle respectfully with the citizens."—Commander Yaszen of Boros
- Voyaging Satyr
- The cycle of Oaths in Oath of the Gatewatch. Gideon, Nissa, and Jace all swear to uphold their watch over the plane of Zendikar, and it's clear they're putting their all into their promises. And then there's Chandra...
Chandra: (implied sigh of exasperation) If it means that people can live in freedom, yeah, I'll keep watch.
Liliana: I'll keep watch. Happy now?note
- Liliana's from Eldritch Moon takes the cake, especially since her body language gives off even more of an "Ugh...fine..." attitude than Chandra:
- Foul Imp
- Pathbreaker Ibex is a beast that is Exactly What It Says on the Tin.
"My skills are wasted here." — Juruk, Kalonian tracker
- Dutiful Return (Khans of Tarkir) shows that Taigam has a... different definition of "duty"...
Taigam: We have a word for enemies too mutilated for military service: furniture.
- Granitic Titan (Hour of Devastation), which is an elemental. Bear in mind that the following line is spoken by Nissa, whose powers include channeling a plane's magic/leyline into combat-ready elementals.
"That one's not mine. Run!" — Nissa Revane
- Guard Duty
"I was told these were standard issue. Do I look standard to you?"
- Spell Suck does just that.
- Savage Punch, quite possibly the most Rated M for Manly Magic card ever.
Maro: I remember the first time I saw the art for Savage Punch. I didn't even realize that it was Surrak Dragonclaw, the khan of the Temur, doing the punching. It didn't even matter. During the slideshow when it was shown, it got a similar response from the audience. We included it in the San Diego Comic-Con panel because we expected the same would hold true for the players. And it did. I saw more talk about bear punching than any other single attribute we showed off at the panel.Maro: So how exactly did this art come to be? Was the card called Bear Punch in design? I wish my team could take responsibility, but this all happened during the card conception done by Doug Beyer. It's possible someone else came up with the "Surrak single-handedly beating a bear with his fists" concept and Doug found a place to fit it in. Nonetheless, this is a magical moment that I'm very happy got forever captured on a Khans of Tarkir card.
- Maro's story of where that card came from:
- Enthralling Victor◊, who does something common on red cards where he temporarily takes control of an opponent's creatures. However, because of the art, it is implied that he does so because he is so incredibly sexy that everyone wants to be on his side. There is a small goblin off to one side who very clearly likes whatever he or she sees!
- And apparently at least one fan keeps thinking that Enthralling Victor◊ is a guy named Victor who happens to be enthralling.
- Explicitly going for the same feel, Captivating Crew has a charming pirate enticing the viewer, and behind him sits a lovestruck ogre hoping he'll get the next dance.
- Then there was the artist who mistook Lemur for Lemure and came up with this. Two things. Flavor text decided to roll with it, and they snark about it with a different card.
- Players were similarly amused...
"The funnier thing to me isn't that he didn't know what a 'lemure' is, but that he nailed it on 'hyalopterous'."
"D'aaawwwww, look at the cute little OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S EATING ME OH GOD WHY"
- Players were similarly amused...
- In Duel Decks: Nissa vs. Ob Nixilis, among the reprinted cards is Crop Rotation◊. Not a particularly funny card — though tutoring for any land at the cost of one of your own is very helpful — but since it's depicting the battle on Zendikar, it's given new card art to give a better feel of the atmosphere. It depicts a few elves tending to an orchard...on a chunk of land that is floating upside down above the main land mass in the art.
Flavor Text: Zendikar's elves have developed innovative methods to mitigate the effects of the Roil.
Katie Allison: [The new art] makes me imagine a grizzled old farmer-mage sighing and telling his apprentice, "Bartholomew, how many times to I have to tell you that 'crop rotation' means something different out here?"
- Compare and contrast. Gideon can be picky about who he works with. Even funnier in Deploy The Gatewatch, where Gideon looks all serious and/or annoyed at having to work with a necromancer, in sheer contrast to Liliana, who looks like she's enjoying an afternoon stroll.
- Diabolic Tutor was reprinted in Kaladesh for the sole purpose of its artwork — a wickedly smiling Liliana encouraging Chandra to "show them how hot [her] fire burn[s]", with Chandra ready to burst out in hysterics at any moment.
- Mechanically, there's nothing funny about Oath of Ajani, who not only discounts the casting cost of Planeswalkers, but buffs all your creatures when you cast it. Artistically, however... Ajani looks like he was going for a high-five and someone left him hanging.
- Press For Answers shows an Inquisitor interrogating her victim... a skaab (stitched zombie) that is frowning at its predicament.
- A cycle of cursesnote in Commander 2017 all have the same mechanic — the curser and the opponent attacking the cursed player benefit from their misfortune — and the same artistic theme, revolving around one very unlucky fellownote front and center while he's putting his hands up trying to talk down a Torches and Pitchforks mobWhite , sitting at a table with a drink in hand obliviously blathering while everyone in the shot is taking note of his every careless wordBlue , running from the outstretched claws of zombiesBlack , watching with shock as gold bursts from his pockets to random people on the streetRed , and nervously looking around while a bunch of wolves attracted by his fresh-cooked meal bear down on himGreen . Fans immediately latched onto this guy, saying that he has clearly led an interesting life, comparing him to The Most Interesting Man in the World.
Facebook comment: I don't always play Magic, but when I do, I prefer EDH. Stay salty, my friends.
- Wizards themselves have dubbed this character "The Multiverse's Unluckiest Planeswalker."
- Masterful Ninja from the Unstable set. A member of the comically inept Agents of S.N.E.A.K., which has a secret base with a big neon sign pointing at it labeled "Secret Base". They're not very good as spies, in other words. Except for this one particular ninja.
- There was a running theme for a while of having Goblins in various "professions" which all involved breaking what that profession usually builds. So Goblin Medics damage creatures, Goblin Gardener destroys lands, Goblin Masons destroy walls, and so on.
- Azor's Elocutors can cause its controller to win the game by stagnating the game as they yap and yap and yap for five turns straight. So how do you stop them? Why, smash them on the face, of course!
- The Unstable joke set has Hosts and Augments, which embody Mix-and-Match Critters for some crazy combinations. The names, creature types, and art even meld together to reflect the combination. The more ridiculous ones include "Half-Kitten, Half-Kitten" (a whole, but stronger, kitten, basically), "Multi-Headed Jellyfish" (which is effectively a bunch of snakes bound together) and "Steam-Powered Engine" (a slightly more bizarre steam engine).
- In the set Battle for Zendikar, there is a card called Void Winnower, an Eldrazi (Eldritch Abomination) who keeps opponents from playing spells with even converted mana costs or blocking with creatures with even converted mana costs. The official card profile on The Gatherer has several additional rulings that explain how the card works. The last one, however, is an Easter Egg:
- Magic Origins has a similar Easter Egg in the rules section for Demonic Pact.
- This is done again in Eldritch Moon with Harmless Offering.
- Then Ixalan's Revel in Riches:
If the second ability of Revel in Riches causes you to win the game, please refrain from throwing your Treasure tokens into the air, as this may distract or injure other players.
- Mairsil, the Pretender can gain the abilities of artifact and creature cards it exiles. The official rulings are a dry run-through over how exactly this works, with the last one covering Equipment giving us this gem:
If Mairsil has an equip ability, activating it won’t cause anything to happen. Mairsil doesn’t become attached to a creature. They may remain friends.
- Rivals of Ixalan has this gem in the rulings for Jadelight Ranger:
If you reveal a nonland card the first time Jadelight Ranger explores and leave it on top of your library, you'll reveal the same card the second time it explores. If you don't pretend to be surprised, you'll hurt Jadelight Ranger's feelings.
Tournament Play and other meta humor
- Richard Garfield proposed to his girlfriend Lily with an actual in-game card, Proposal. He noted with some trepidation, however, that it took him four games to actually draw it. Once can hardly imagine the amount of palm-sweating Mr. Garfield was going through during those games. (By the way, she said yes.)
- During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge... while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found here (at the end).
- Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Un- sets are included. Anytime. Just an example:
- At every opportunity, Wizards releases a "Mistform Ultimus Watch" that states every creature type the eponymous creature is. While it is amusing to have a creature that is, among other things, a Mutant, a Ninja, and a Turtle (No "Teenager" subtype yet), the funniest stuff comes from their snarky commentary on the matter.
Mistform Ultimus Watch, Theros edition: Obviously, becoming a God is sort of a big deal.
- The ol' Chaos Confetti story. In a nutshell, a tourney player used the card Chaos Orb, which dictates that you toss the card into the air and anything it ends up touching when it lands gets destroyed. Instead, this guy tore it into pieces and sprinkled it onto the field, destroying pretty much everything his opponent had. This story eventually became an Ascended Meme with the creation of Chaos Confetti.
- For bonus points, in one version of this legend, his opponent just called a judge who disqualified him for not having enough cards in deck.
- This article, a parody of Mark Rosewater's work over the previous few months written by another staffer.
Maro: One morning, several years ago, I was sitting in my kitchen, eating a piping-hot bowl of cream of wheat.
Evil Mark Rosewater: You live a life of danger!
Maro: As I stared into this mushy glob of tastelessness, I became inspired.
Maro: I asked myself, "Self, if cream of wheat was a Magic card, what would it look like?"
Evil Mark Rosewater: And?
Maro: Long story short, that's how Mercadian Masques came to be.
- Persecute Artist. Longtime Magic artist Rebecca Guay is known for her beautiful, elegant watercolor illustrations for cards. At one point in time, she briefly came under fire from Magic's then-art director, Jeremy Cranford, for how "girly" her card art was. The legions of Guay's fans were so unhappy, the event was immortalized in Unhinged.
- Fascist Art Director is another card that refers to that incident.
- Doug Beyer, story director, on the relationship between Sorin and Ugin during the Tarkir story, and the visual version are hilarious.
Sorin: THAT DRAGON HAD BETTER BE SUPER DEAD BECAUSE HE'S A PILE OF DRY BONES TO ME
- One of the first commercials to show Magic R&D, and how they "tested" cards:
Supervisor: (on the phone) Call in the Orgg and the Raging Goblin. ...what? The goblin's out sick? Then we'll just have to do without him. Send in...Bob from Accounting.
(Bob is then shuffled into the testing ground, followed by the Orgg. Cue Bob screaming, followed by discretion shots of the "fight")
Supervisor: I'd say the first round goes to the Orgg!note
- MTGGoldfish (A competitive Magic site) has a featured column where users vote for a deck theme (mostly ridiculous combos that are far from viable strategy): For one of those events, the users voted in a deck which consisted of thirty-four Siege Rhinos (4 Siege Rhinos and 30 cards used to copy, return, search, summon, and support the theme of MORE SIEGE RHINOS). Seeing it in play is funny. Seeing it in play while a nursery rhyme about rhinos is playing in the background? Hilarious.
- The series as a whole is often hilarious, especially as a Johnny.
- What Stays And What Goes for the Kaladesh Standard rotation neatly summarises the past several months of Standard by showing all the impactful cards that are rotating out...a design that shows Collected Company four times.
- One would not expect the judge rulings on a card game to contain anything of note humor-wise. Nonetheless, thanks to Unglued and its card Hurloon Wrangler, the action of removing one's pants officially takes place faster than a mana ability.
- The Holiday Spirits, a mini-comic to celebrate Christmas. Really have to be seen to be believed.
- Odric, Lunarch Marshal confers each instance of a keyword ability to all your creatures during your combat. He's compatible with a lot of abilities. It was a matter of time before someone took his lengthy card text and ran with it.
- LoadingReadyRun's pre-pre-release for Unstable had many hilarious moments, but the crowning one of them all was Wedge using Spike, Tournament Grinder to add Shahrazad to his hand which caused his opponent Cameron to gasp dramatically and shout "You monster!" To add even further to the hilarity, Wedge cast Better Than One and chose none other than Mark Rosewater himself to be his teammate before casting Shahrazad, triggering a subgame between two people and just one person! It all goes downhill for poor Cameron after that.