Funny / Magic: The Gathering

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  • The webcomic Journey to the Eye part 1. It's not easy to find a good guide to travel in a Death World...
  • Dark Discoveries part 1. Don't butt into Tezzeret's business; he doesn't like it.
  • Any new members of the Gruul on Planeswalker Points will get treated to a thought-provoking letter from Borborygmos.
  • The guild letter for the Izzet is also chuckle-worthy.
    Welcome to the Izzet League, achievers of the impossible! Your work has led you to the guild that tries the untried, challenges the status quo, and defies such tedious concepts as "good enough" and "laboratory safety." Our mission is to venture unflinchingly into the unknown, with no concerns for the risks. Others may fear the volatility of our endeavors, but isn't ignorance the greatest danger of all? We understand that knowledge cannot be gained without passion, and that an explosion is the result.
    You've joined us at an especially exciting time. Our visionary guildmaster and parun, the dracogenius Niv-Mizzet, has us hard at work: funneling energy through the city's mana agitators, combining elemental weirds, and cranking the mizzium fluxboilers beyond their breaking point. So strap on your elemental gauntlets and prepare to explore beyond the boundaries of known magic!
    Singe, Goblin Chemister of the Izzet
  • In "The Secretist, Part 2", by Doug Beyer, Jace gets into a fight with Ruric-Thar. Unable to defeat a giant, two-headed, magic-resistant ogre with his usual arsenal of tricks and illusions, Jace throws the book out of the window and bites them in the kneepits. They are amused enough by this to concede and give him what he wants.
  • Kiora prefers the direct approach in acquiring assistance from her soon-to-be minions:
    "I like you, I also have a sea monster. Want to help me out?" — Kiora
  • The uncharted realms article "The Gorgon and the Guildpact" has a few gems:
    Jace: "Is it murder?"
    Lavina: "Why do you say that?"
    Jace: "Because you're making that face. Your 'there's been a murder' face."
    Lavina: "More than one, in fact. I have a 'there's been a murder' face?"
    • After being told the bodies spell out his name:
    "Oh." Jace heaved a breath. He really needed to get a desk at some point, with a big leather-bound chair that he could slump into at times like this. "Well. All right."
    "As soon as the door shut behind them, Jace's smile dropped, and he sat down on the large wooden desk he'd finally gotten around to installing. The desk creaked, and he frowned. He still needed a nice big chair to collapse into. Leather. Something expensive."
  • This gem from Planeswalker's Guide to Dragons of Tarkir Part 1 (particularly given the context):
    Many can understand at least the basic spoken language, particularly when the dragons enunciate slowly and clearly for their benefit. Relatively few can understand the complex spoken Draconic used in intense spiritual debates.
  • Jace's Origin Story. After his first real planeswalk, he lands in Ravnica, and finds a woman who takes in stray children (which he now looks like), a woman named Emmara Tandris. Their first meeting:
    Jace: (thinking) She’s beautiful.
    Emmara: If you’ve come only to admire me, I’m afraid I haven’t the time.
    Jace: You’re a mind reader?
    Emmara: No. You’re a teenager.
  • The mere fact that the Praetors, arguably the most terrifying creatures on New Phyrexia, are continuously bickering like bratty siblings.
    Jin-Gitaxias: I despise Vorinclex and his slobberings about "evolution". Only I know true progress.
    Vorinclex: Dead or alive, my creations are stronger than Jin-Gitaxias's septic minions.
  • Elesh Norn's fanatical speeches can be a source of Black Comedy (no pun intended).
    Ah, the glorious symphony of bitter hymns and forced hallelujahs! See the ignorant fall to their knees when I remove their heathen feet! All will be blessed with the pains of redemption! Look inside yourself to see the truth, or see my suture priests so they can open your chest to find it for you!
  • Jace is apparantly a coffee addict.
    "Coffee," said Jace. "The Living Guildpact rules that coffee is an acceptable substitution for rest, as specified in subsection . . . whatever."
  • Sarkhan runs around the new Tarkir as giddy as a schoolchild, and gives bearhugs to goblins!
  • In "The Darksteel Eye", one of the Mirrodin novels, Glissa the elf, Slobad the goblin and Bosh the giant iron Golem are faced with a blockade of enemies they have to get past. They do this by Bosh stuffing the other two in his chest cavity and curling up, bowling over the entire group of enemies. Halfway through the ride, Slobad throws up over Glissa's feet, for which she promptly scolds him. Seconds later, she goes too. Bosh is annoyed at how much that will itch his inner workings.
  • Good portion of Jace´s conversation with Liliana is just pure funny. Quotes page can elaborate.
  • "Games" is another story highlighting the Sibling Rivalry between Gisa and Geralf. Here's some gems:
    • After Gisa escapes imprisonment (thanks to Geralf's skaabs, something she's not the least bit thankful for), she announces her return to Geralf in this exchange:
    Your ever-loving sister, Gisa
    Geralf: Gisa, You don't just say "guess who" and then answer it in the signature, moron.
    • Gisa has recently undergone a messed-up form of catharsis by raising the corpses of their parents and venting to them. Geralf's response?
    "You are being incredibly irresponsible. Put Mummy and Father back in the ground where they belong."
  • Innistrad's Last Hope tells of the Planeswalkers that make up the Gatewatch experiencing Innistrad's Darkest Hour, what with the Eldrazi titan Emrakul and her lineage wreaking havoc on the world. Liliana is, meanwhile, working on an experiment that'll allow her to use the Chain Veil without it hurting her in the process. The experiment...leaves a bit to be desired...
    Geistmage Dierk: The collectors are raised, madam. And the storm is reaching its peak. But I feel obligated to point out that we'll be coursing an enormous dose of spectral energy directly into the artifact...
    Liliana: You don't have to warn me.
    Dierk: ...powered by the force of a lightning storm...
    Liliana: Yes.
    Dierk: ...while you are wearing it...
    Liliana: I know.
    Dierk: ...on your face.
    Liliana: (rolling her eyes) The flow of geist energy through the orb will thus act as a kind of spectral antenna, shunting the object's counterassault away from the subject, sublimating the backlash as harmless atmospheric static, circumventing all repercussions and thereby allowing free utilization of the artifact.
    Dierk: (not totally convinced) That is the theory.
  • Chandra is a bit more willing to hear Liliana out than Gideon in The Battle of Thraben
    Chandra: The nice lady with the uncomfortable dress just saved our butts, Gideon. Calm down a second.
  • In The Promised End, Jace finds himself in a tower where he encounters a copy of himself. To prove that he and the copy are the same, the copy asks Jace a simple riddle. Jace solves it quickly, and as it turns out...
    The point of the riddle wasn't to see if he solved it. The point was to see how dismissive and incredulous he was at an easy riddle. He nodded. Okay, this is me. He knew the copy was thinking the same thing.
    • Jace's frustration over getting a taste of his own medicine dealing with himself.
    Jace: Am I really this infuriating? I am this infuriating. I need to work on that.
  • Homesick, the introductory story to Kaladesh set. While it has some particularly serious plot element (namely, Chandra getting furious upon being reminded of her childhood tragedy when meeting someone from her home plane), the rest of the story reads like a sitcom episode. Some gems:
    • Despite being centuries old, Liliana doesn't even know what a mango is.
    • Liliana and Chandra acting like wacky siblings, complete with Liliana cutting off Chandra's necromancer jokes...then letting her have one anyway, just out of friendship.
    • Jace and Gideon end up arguing about who's in charge while talking with their very-much-perfectionist guest, Dovin Baan.
    Jace: Gideon is the battlefield commander...
    Gideon: Jace is the administrator...
    Jace: But we both...
    Gideon: But neither of us...
    Baan was clutching his head as if he had a migraine.
    • Chandra is understandably upset when she found out Dovin Baan is from Kaladesh, and she decides to vent her frustration on a punching bag. She accidentally sets it on fire, so she douses it, leaving a mess of wet sand from the broken punching bag. What does she do next?
    [Liliana] leaned one hip against the door into Beefslab'snote  gymnasium. After the scene downstairs, she'd expected fire damage. The sandcastle was a surprise.
    • After the punching bag issue, Chandra runs off to Nissa for comfort, but botches her conversation with her, then flees after saying too many wrong words.
    Chandra: (in her mind, after muttering random stuff) WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY FACE?
    • And right after that, she bolts off outside, but when passing by Gideon (who is inspecting the fire damage Chandra did just earlier) she quickly apologizes.
    Chandra: SorryIblewupyourthingy!
    Gideon: (after Chandra is out of view) Careful! You might fall!
  • Chandra and Liliana's next appearance in Torch of Defiance is less hilarious, but still has Liliana being such a bad influence, culminating in her bringing down the guards on them by hurling an obscenity at Consulate vedalken, throwing her drink in his face, and smugly boasting about how proud they are to be renegade sympathisers.
    Chandra: Liliana, you're two centuries older than me. Exactly which of us is supposed to be the responsible one?
    Liliana: Let me tell you a secret. There doesn't have to be a responsible one.
  • Release: Chandra meets Ajani for the first time.
    Chandra: Whoa, big kitty, got arms like Gids (Gideon)."
    [Ajani] wondered what gids were.
  • In This Very Arena. The Gatewatch reassemble and Ajani is a bit behind on recent story developments.
    "It seems this is a matter for the Gatewatch," Jace said.
    Nissa abandoned her spell and wiped a hand down her face. "Your disguises work a little too well. We were about to injure you very badly."
    "Just trying to blend in," Jace said. "We heard Tezzeret is here?"
    "He's here, and he has Chandra's mother," said Ajani.
    "What's a leonin doing with you?" Liliana asked, sizing up Ajani.
    "What's a Gatewatch?" Ajani asked, looking down at her.
    • Jace also hasn't been rather diligent with his work as the Guildpact...
      He thought then of Lavinia, who was convinced Jace was still in his office right now, hunched over a sheaf of papers, dutifully doing the grunt work of maintaining the delicate balance between the guilds. Or maybe she had already discovered the studious illusion he left behind, and was in the midst of yelling "GUILDPAAAACT!" at the ceiling in that way that she did.
  • In Burn, Dovin Baan got Tezzeret to flip out, and then told him after the tantrum that he was "unimpressed" with him yelling at their aether crew for results.

    Flavor Text 
Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness, or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious.

    Card Art 
  • Savage Punch, quite possibly the most Rated M for Manly Magic card ever.
    • Maro's story of where that card came from:
    Maro: I remember the first time I saw the art for Savage Punch. I didn't even realize that it was Surrak Dragonclaw, the khan of the Temur, doing the punching. It didn't even matter. During the slideshow when it was shown, it got a similar response from the audience. We included it in the San Diego Comic-Con panel because we expected the same would hold true for the players. And it did. I saw more talk about bear punching than any other single attribute we showed off at the panel.
    Maro: So how exactly did this art come to be? Was the card called Bear Punch in design? I wish my team could take responsibility, but this all happened during the card conception done by Doug Beyer. It's possible someone else came up with the "Surrak single-handedly beating a bear with his fists" concept and Doug found a place to fit it in. Nonetheless, this is a magical moment that I'm very happy got forever captured on a Khans of Tarkir card.
    • And then it gets turned Up to Eleven in Dragons of Tarkir, with Epic Confrontation. Yes, that is still Surrak. Yes, he is punching a dragon so hard the dragon's fangs fly off.
  • Enthralling Victor, who does something common on red cards where he temporarily takes control of opponent's creatures. However, because of the art, it is implied that he does so because he is so incredibly sexy everyone wants to be on his side. There is a small goblin off to one side who very clearly likes whatever he or she sees!
  • Then there was the artist who mistook Lemur for Lemure and came up with this. Two things. Flavor text decided to roll with it, and they snark about it with a different card.
  • In Duel Decks: Nissa vs. Ob Nixilis, among the reprinted cards is Crop Rotation. Not a particularly funny card—though tutoring for any land at the cost of one of your own is very helpful—but since its depicting the battle on Zendikar, it's given new card art to give a better feel of the atmosphere. It depicts a few elves tending to an orchard...on a chunk of land that is floating upside down above the main land mass in the art.
    Flavor Text: Zendikar's elves have developed innovative methods to mitigate the effects of the Roil.
    Katie Allison: [The new art] makes me imagine a grizzled old farmer-mage sighing and telling his apprentice, "Bartholomew, how many times to I have to tell you that 'crop rotation' means something different out here?"
  • Compare and contrast. Gideon can be picky about who he works with.
  • Diabolic Tutor was reprinted in Kaladesh for the sole purpose of its artwork—a wickedly smiling Liliana encouraging Chandra to "show them how hot [her] fire burn[s]", with Chandra ready to burst out in hysterics at any moment.
  • Mechanically, there's nothing funny about Oath of Ajani, who not only discounts the casting cost of Planeswalkers, but buffs all your creatures when you cast it. Artistically, however...Ajani looks like he was going for a high-five and someone left him hanging.

  • There was a running theme for a while of having Goblins in various "professions" which all involved breaking what that profession usually builds. So Goblin Medics damage creatures, Goblin Gardener destroys lands, Goblin Masons destroy walls, and so on.
  • Azor's Elocutors can cause its controller to win the game by stagnating the game as they yap and yap and yap for five turns straight. So how do you stop them? Why, smash them on the face, of course!

    Tournament Play and other meta humor 
  • During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge... while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found here (at the end).
  • Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Unglued or Unhinged is included. Anytime. Just an example:
    (on turn 3)
    Friend 1: (stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Right hand. Go.
    Friend 2: (manages to go through his turn with his right hand behind his back) Go.
    Friend 1: (still stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Left hand. (smiles) Play with your feet, motherfucker.
  • At every opportunity, Wizards releases a "Mistform Ultimus Watch" that states every creature type the eponymous creature is. While it is amusing to have a creature that is, among other things, a Mutant, a Ninja, and a Turtle (No "Teenager" subtype yet), the funniest stuff comes from their snarky commentary on the matter.
    Mistform Ultimus Watch, Theros edition: Obviously, becoming a God is sort of a big deal.
  • The ol' Chaos Confetti story. In a nutshell, a tourney player used the card Chaos Orb, which dictates that you toss the card into the air and anything it ends up touching when it lands gets destroyed. Instead, this guy tore it into pieces and sprinkled it onto the field, destroying pretty much everything his opponent had. This story eventually became an Ascended Meme with the creation of Chaos Confetti.
    • For bonus points, in one version of this legend, his opponent just called a judge who disqualified him for not having enough cards in deck.
  • This article, a parody of Mark Rosewater's work over the previous few months written by another staffer.
    Maro: One morning, several years ago, I was sitting in my kitchen, eating a piping-hot bowl of cream of wheat.
    Evil Mark Rosewater: You live a life of danger!
    Maro: As I stared into this mushy glob of tastelessness, I became inspired.
    Maro: I asked myself, "Self, if cream of wheat was a Magic card, what would it look like?"
    Evil Mark Rosewater: And?
    Maro: Long story short, that's how Mercadian Masques came to be.
  • Persecute Artist. Longtime Magic artist Rebecca Guay is known for her beautiful, elegant watercolor illustrations for cards. At one point in time, she briefly came under fire from Magic's then-art director, Jeremy Cranford, for how "girly" her card art was. The legions of Guay's fans were so unhappy, the event was immortalized in Unhinged.
  • Doug Beyer, story director, on the relationship between Sorin and Ugin during the Tarkir story, and the visual version are hilarious.
  • One of the first commercials to show Magic R&D, and how they "tested" cards:
    Supervisor: (on the phone) Call in the Orgg and the Raging Goblin. ...what? The goblin's out sick? Then we'll just have to do without him. Send in...Bob from Accounting.
    (Bob is then shuffled into the testing ground, followed by the Orgg. Cue Bob screaming, followed by discretion shots of the "fight")
    Supervisor: I'd say the first round goes to the Orgg!note 
  • In the set Battle for Zendikar, there is a card called Void Winnower, an Eldrazi (Eldritch Abomination) who keeps opponents from playing spells with even converted mana costs or blocking with creatures with even converted mana costs. The official card profile on The Gatherer has several additional rulings that explain how the card works. The last one, however, is an Easter Egg:
    Yes, your opponent can’t even. We know.
  • Magic Origins has a similar Easter Egg in the rules section for Demonic Pact. "Yes, if the Fourth option is the only one remaining, you must still choose one. You read the whole contract right?"
  • This is done again in Eldritch Moon with Harmless Offering.
  • MTGGoldfish (A competitive Magic site) has a featured column where users vote for a deck theme (mostly ridiculous combos that are far from viable strategy): For one of those events, the users voted in a deck which consisted of thirty-four Siege Rhinos (4 Siege Rhinos and 30 cards used to copy, return, search, summon, and support the theme of MORE SIEGE RHINOS). Seeing it in play is funny. Seeing it in play while a nursery rhyme about rhinos is playing in the background? Hilarious.
    • The series as a whole is often hilarious, especially as a Johnny.
  • What Stays And What Goes for the Kaladesh Standard rotation neatly summarises the past several months of Standard by showing all the impactful cards that are rotating out...a design that shows Collected Company four times.
  • One would not expect the judge rulings on a card game to contain anything of note humorwise. Nonetheless, thanks to Unglued and its card Hurloon Wrangler, the action of removing one's pants officially takes place faster than a mana ability.
  • The Holiday Spirits, a mini-comic to celebrate Christmas. Really have to be seen to be believed.