The third-party D&D rulebook The Book of Erotic Fantasy contains the Voyeuristic Seer, a prestige class that specializes in using divination to watch other people have sex. The spell section contains a lot of other silly things, like the anti-clothing shell and the Disrobe spell.
The Power of the Creators◊ spell from Magi-Nation, for many reasons. For one thing, it's a completely meta card that lets you off anyone you don't like... so long as they didn't work on the card game. The art depicts a giant finger from nowhere ready to flick a poor Magi into the sunset. And its card type? "Universally Desired Spell." Snerk.
The otherwise forgettable game Living Steel (half the rulebook was pictures of guns with massive lists of modifiers for things related to shooting) had sidebar comments such as: "I did not order, did not receive, and will not pay for Item 27, 'Tax', on your invoice." attributed to 'Ronald Unreasonable', and the eternally useful "Hm. That looks like a serious injury. I think you're going to have to go back to the Character Generation section."
In the World of Darkness, two hunters are discussing a new mission they have been given. One complains that it seems like a wild goose chase, to which the other replies "Yeah, well, you know what else they said was a wild goose chase? Finding Bigfoot. But where is he now? In federal prison because he never paid his taxes."
Well, son, when a mommy and a daddy who are deeply in love decide they want a little baby, mommy murders a homeless man and drinks up all his yummy blood until her belly is big and full of it, and then daddy lays on top of her, and puts his wing-wang in her hoo-haa and moves up and down, and then his seed and her egg meet, and mommy uses some of the blood to make the little baby growing in her big and healthy, but because she's eating for two now, mommy gets very very hungry, and has to murder lots and lots of homeless men so in nine months a perfect little bouncing baby is born, with daddy's nose, and mommy's sickening occult affliction.
The opening fiction of Scion: Demigod shows Eric Donner, Scion of Thor, and his discovery of the horrific vision that is... basic cable.
Eric: So basically, our culture sucks and everyone under 35 is part of the problem. (later, when asked if he learned anything) Donnie didn't show up at any of the usual hotspots. And I'm cancelling our cable.
Later, in order to access where their missing companion has gone, the Band must give an offering of honey to a spirit. Yukiko then reaches into her coat and reveals she carries two packets of it everywhere - in case where they go doesn't carry her favorite brand (she puts it in her tea).
"Two types of chimerae stalk Cormanthor: the mean ones, and the really mean ones. You can't tell one from the other, except for their lips."
"As if keeping an undead ferret in her tunic weren't enough to drive civilized company away, she spent her last social gathering explaining the disparate relative effects of falling damage on living and undead rat squirrels to two decidedly uncomfortable apprentice mages with good prospects."
Volo's Guides, with his and Elminster's footnotes:
 Elminster: Delusions this grand are the final frightening stages of the descent into babbling idiocy. Hmmm, perhaps the lad would've made a good mage after all...
Once the focal stones are safely hidden inside a hollow statuette out behind her privy,
Portable Hole Full of Beer, and its remakes Son of a Portable Hole and Bride of Portable Hole: The Book of Neurotic Fantasy. Complete with Flumphonomicon, mockery of weirdly specialized prestige classes and dumbed-down flavour text of some late D&D products, stats for monsters like Marshmallow Golem, "12 Year Old Gamer Girl" template, a handful of spells and items—some of which are usable in a sane game, but have outstanding Power Perversion Potential—and so on. It's downloadable for free.
A couple of guys (Frank Trollman and his buddy Keith) wrote some articles which had some houserules to iron some of the wrinkles out of Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 (Like Polymorph or Wish). One of these, the Dungeonomicon, has almost all of its section headings end in an —nomicon name and a pithy quote. Highlights include: The Constructanomicon:"How does that even stay up?" Other articles include such memorable quotes as: Character Backgrounds:"I… I'm a fighter. I stab people. In the face." Not even feats are safe, with the feat Giant Slayer having the flavor text Everyone has a specialty. Yours is miraculously finding ways to stab creatures in the face when it seems improbable that you would be able to reach that high. and Zen Archery reading You are very calm about shooting people in the face. That's a good place to be.
A certainly involuntary one: take the Wood Elves codex, and get to the part where they show you pictures of the models. There's one of two legendary twin elves, riding a Wood Dragon... And they're facing a lone Dwarf Trollslayer model. Whose face seems to indicate that he's about to crap his pants.
Many, many of the marginalia in the Dresden Files RPG rulebooks. For the uninitiated: the RPG is presented as a project by one of the characters in-universe which he has sent to the main character of the books to review. Said main character is a geekywiseass who also enlists the help of a pervy knowledge spirit with an equally stupid sense of humor. Thus, the margins are full of notes containing random commentary, bad puns, Shout Outs, and bickering between the people involved in the project. It's a lot of fun to read.
Said "pervy knowledge spirit" is named Bob. "Shut up, Bob!" is the largest index entry.
Flying Mice's Aces and Angels, a game about World War II fighter pilots, provides the following example of how not to use the game's Luck mechanic: "Luckily, I jump out of the cockpit, do one and a half somersaults in the air, and land on the enemy's fuselage, screaming like a ninja!"
In the Fading Suns rulebook, there is a chart on how to do miracles. Like, miracles. You pray to God and if the GM lets you, you may roll if and how it worked. The lowest success (still very hard to achieve) gives you In Mysterious Ways-style events. And what are the best possible results? Completely unexplainable and impossible events — like a sun moving all over the sky, witnessed by millions of people... or the court ofTemple Avestishowing mercy.
The Mythos Dossiers from The Laundry RPG carry a lot of the typical Lovecraftian dread, but also carry elements of... well, the Laundry. Such as the bit in the BLUE HADES chapter where two Laundry officials who are obviously not qualified for this line of work keep faffing about during their attempts to debrief a Deep One informant. Then once the session's over, "payment" is offered up - the Deep One in question is gay, and since his fellow Deep Ones look down on sex with humans for reasons other than procreation, the Laundry had to provide a partner.
Then diplomats from Diemed offered to perform a special urban and agricultural service for Sue's kingdom of Medoere, in which thousands of Diemedian 4-H officials would march across Medoere's westernmost province to check for deer ticks. If they found none, they would loot the province briefly and return home. Sue could cancel this service for only 16 wagonloads of gold and a promise to let the Diemedian royal family use her castle as their summer retreat.
The Head Of Vecna. Always make sure product is as advertised before you CUT OFF YOUR OWN HEAD.
My scratch-built Daemon Prince always earns a few laughs every time he makes it onto the table. The model is a rabbit mounted on a flying base. To date, his kill count includes most of an Imperial Guard Infantry Platoon, two thirds of a Space Marine Assault Squad, and a Dreadnought.
It is quite possible that Mr. Welch has the biggest repertoire of funny things he is not allowed to do ever again in an RPG.
In one of my first D&D games, another player decided his first action would be to run down the dungeon corridor blindly. Naturally, he came across a trap, which in this case was a pit with spikes in it. He rolled dexterity, and ended up with a 1. The poor guy fell directly onto a spike, which conveniently set off the trap, which raised the spikes and completely circumvented the trap for the rest of us. Hehad a real problem with pits for some reason.
My D&D group has a few gags, but the funniest was the human scout (we affectionately called him "human moron", even in character) who I swear had ADHD - he couldn't stay still, and would often run ahead and get the party in trouble. The party warrior dealt with this by tying a rope around his neck like a leash.
Also, the other dragonborn, my paladin, is very intelligent, very charismatic, very strong, very wise, but less than graceful. She has trouble hitting anything and there's a running gag about her falling down stairs.
And then there's the one guy who had trouble hitting anything with his crossbow. Any other weapon he was fine with. The crossbow almost inevitably missed. We started calling it the -5 Crossbow of Missing.
I had a campaign where we were up against someone with one weakness - a fondness for mental games. He captured us, and we were about to die. My characters last words? 'At least I didn't lose the game, like you.' He was then so distracted by cursing my party managed to escape and kill him.
I personally encountered one of the funniest series of bad dice rolls I've ever seen in a Star Wars RP session. The players were investigating a series of disappearances of moisture farmers on Tatooine, and had just entered a bedroom that had been ransacked by Rakghouls.
Player One: I'm really tired, so I decide to fall asleep on the bed. [Rolls a 5] GM: You are standing at the foot of the bed, and tip forward until you fall onto it...but you land on the edge of the mattress so that half your body is on the bed and half is off. You somersault off the bed and onto the floor, landing on your back. Player One: I think I'll stay here for now... Player Two: I kick him. [Rolls a 2] GM: Your kick misses entirely and hits the bedframe; you dislocate your toe, causing two damage. Player Two: Fine; I heal my toe. [Rolls a 4] GM:[Barely containing himself] You somehow manage to stub your other toe on the bedframe. Me: Are we playing a Star Wars RP or The Three Stooges? GM: Both. You're Shemp, by the way.
In an early evil campaign I ran, it was a giant Take That to the Dungeons & Dragons movie, where the players travelled to the world with the intent of causing as much havoc as possible. Eventually, they get to the place where Savrille (the skeleton dude who made the Rod of Red Dragon Control). The exchange looked something like this:
Savrille: Be warned, whoever wields the rod shall suffer its terrible curse!
Evil PC: How do I break the curse?
Savrille: THAT... is for you to discover!
Evil PC: I cast Control Undead on him. How do I break the curse now, bitch?
Savrille: You honestly think if I knew I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my ass?
Another one that had us in stitches referred to an earlier Star Wars campaign. The session before one of the players had stated that Spice is an illegal narcotic. In a later session, I point out that Spice is not universally an illegal substance, and in fact the assassination attempt on Padme in the opening of Attack Of The Clones was supposedly linked to Spice miners on the moons of Naboo. Then I say "so unless the term 'Spice Miner' is a euphemism for 'drug dealer'", which got everyone in the room on the floor as we came up with mining terminology that could sound like mafia-talk.
Say what you will about 4E Warlord, in which you heal someone by basically shouting at them, you can get great mileage by saying stuff like "Damn it soldier, I'm giving you an order not to die!" Other lines include "Never give up! Never surrender!"
Another funny one, in a game where one of the players got hit with a death curse (BOVD addition), he was framed for a large number of serious crimes, but also after he had burned down the home of a mayor of one of those towns founded by ex-Zhentarim (the mayor was still a Zhent, but most people were in the dark of this) resulting an innocent person getting killed (she got knocked out by another player). When approached by the local officials, we get the following exchange:
Town Guard: Mr. Silversmith? You are under arrest!
Mr. Silversmith: *indignantly* On what charge?
Town Guard: *breaks out a large list* Theft, poisoning a well, cattle rustling, ... (goes on for a while) ... arson, and reckless endangerment resulting in death.
Mr. Silversmith:*beat* I am innocent... of a significant number of those crimes!
A gem from our "Prince of Undeath" campaign. Our characters are pretty well minmaxed, so we have been thwarting his plans at every turn and slaughtering his servants with ruthless efficiency. At one point, we're dealing with a spirit in service of Orcus, and it needs to be fed lines on how we've served him. Our response? "We have purged Orcus' ranksof incompetence and failure."
Something from our Buffy campaign we had years ago: Everybody in town was under a mass-mind-control spell and heading out to the middle of the desert (or something), and we end up killing the demon wizard who caused it, and there was a massive explosion (all the details escape me). When everyone starts coming to, we need to give some reason for them all to be out there. Our spell-slinger says "Oh, man, that gas line explosion ruined our town-wide, camping trip!" The the populace seems to buy this, at which point, my robot character turns to the secret agent and asks "Tell me human, is there much inbreeding in this town?"
I was playing in a Dungeons & Dragons campaign with only one other surviving party member. We went around the dungeon killing baddies until we walked into what looked like a kitchen. GM: "You see what looks like a green soup in a bowl on the table." my friend: "i drink it." GM:"......Wha...?...... um, 3 points of damage." My friend: "ow.... ok, i drink it again." I ended up knocking his character unconscious and dragged him out of the room to prevent his death.
I've had something akin to this happen in a call of cuthulu game. "I read the book." "You loose some sanity and start drooling a little." "I read it again!"
While playing Mage: The Ascension live-action, I was in a group on the run from bad guys with BIG guns, when his partymate casts an illusion spell making us look like mere boxes. "OK everyone, think boxes," she says. Then another group comes running (from the same group of bad guys) and someone says, "Let's hide behind these boxes!"
In a recent Dungeons and Dragons session we discovered a massive, 2 story tall, cauldron being used to mass produce zombies. After a brief battle to clear the room the party climbed the stairs to the landing at the back of the room to continue on the quest. I was playing an impulsive dark elf who decided to set fire to the contents of the cauldron to keep any zombies from being created behind us. Turns out the contents were ... slightly explosive. The DM proceeded to gather up 40d6 telling me that, even if I made the save, my character was likely to die. I rolled, and made, my reflex save and only after the DM counted up the 150+ damage did I mention she had evasion so she took no damage from a blast that removed the 2 floors above us as well as the roof of a stone castle.
My Paladin in a Dungeons & Dragons game ended up with an insane amount of Charisma thanks to events in-game, but still was at heart a farmer's boy (with a major twitchiness towards undead notwithstanding). The Dragon (a vampire, not a literal dragon) of the previous campaign's big bad tracked him down, everyone expected a big fight - but instead, the vamp kneeled down on one knee, and proposed to the Paladin.
Bard: So... who gets to wear the dress? * after a violent rejection from said Paladin* Bard: *cringes at the carnage* Eeeh, good thing it isn't likely that he would've worn white in the first place.
I was playing a Warhammer 40,000 match and decided to try out my new Defiler (a daemon-possessedwar machine) against the ImperialGuard. The battle was going well until my opponent's Vindicare assassin got behind the Defiler and fired his special anti-armor round: "Okay, so I use my Turbo-Penetrator on your Rear Armour..." Needless to say, it was a few minutes before the game continued... Incidentally, the Defiler took one up the ol' exhaust port (bow-chicka bow-wow), burst into unholy flames, and signalled the turning of the battle against the forces of Chaos.
A Fallout tabletop RPG session:
Player: Okay. I set the shop on fire.
DM: ...Wait, what? Why?
Player: Why not?
Followed by the Super Mutant stepping out of his alleyway and causing a mass panic and another player shrugging, walking off, and looting an empty shop.
Followed by the fourth character stealing the broken cash register from the burned-down shop, but leaving the cash behind.
DM: You take about an hour to come across a raider camp. There are three raiders.
Player: Are they on fire?
Player: This is a PROBLEM, gentlemen! We must rectify it!
The attack on said raider camp did involve a player using a blowgun with needles tainted by narcotic mushroom poison.
Further adventures did include the Super Mutant saving a town from a giant Deathclaw, so the party took advantage of their reverence to get them to start making helicopter parts. One of the players was sufficiently amused by this to periodically chant "Mutant Jesus will lead us to salvation in the sky!"
A Shadowrun game with some of the same players started with the team in prison in Texas for various crimes. The party was composed of a belligerent genius hacker/pilot with a strong Russian accent, a Russian face adept, a Japanese mage who spoke very little English, and a pair of Japanese shapeshifters. Hilarity very rapidly ensued.
The pilot, in response to the mage burning a hole in his door with Acid Spray: "THANK YOU, CHINAMAN!"
The pilot's introduction to the rest of the party:
The party's response to the customs inspection of their helicopter after not remembering to hide their weapons: Petrify from the mage while the officials are processing the pile of guns in the cargo bay, then steal the resulting statues' clothes to infiltrate the airport. The suggestion of selling the nude statues to raise cash for fuel was brought up, however.
And the suggested strategy for detaining them after they wake up: leave them unbound and naked on the floor of the helicopter, and have the fox shapeshifter hide in a cabinet and scream hideously to scare them away from the vehicle.
Out of character, the pilot's player's attempts to translate his character's business cards into other languages. The full text of the cards: "I am Vladimir. I fly helicopters. Things blown up, especially embassies, special rate on American targets."
Speaking of 40K, an article on Games Workshop's website about Imperial Commissars has a great moment. Two players were running a battle between Blood Angels and Imperial Guard under Lord Solar Macharius, basically 40K's version of Alexander the Great. Macharius had a Commissar attached to his command squad and was directing the battle when a lucky Krak missile hits them, inflicting enough casualties to call for a morale check. Macharius rolls an 11, a failure. Good thing he gets a re-roll... Boxcars, another failure. The rules are absolutely clear at this point: "For cowardice in the face of the enemy, I execute you in the name of the Emperor!" One shot from the Commissar's bolt pistol, and Macharius is a casualty of war.
I remember an article in White Dwarf back when the Armageddon worldwide campaign was running that pitched Ghazghull Thraka (the Ork Big Bad) against Commissar Yarrick. First round was just Ghazghull and Yarrick fighting each other. Ghazgull won, somewhat unsurprisingly. So in the spirit of fairness, they played off again, this time with a squad of Imperial Guard backing up Yarrick. Ghazghull still mashed them all to a pulp. So, finally, throwing the spirit of fairness to the winds, Ghazghull squared off against Yarrick and a Leman Russ battle tank. Ghazghull lost.
My Marines Iratus have provided some spectacular moments themselves, but my absolute favourite saw a single remaining Space Marine with plasma gun get charged by a five-strong squad of Chaos Terminators, all of which would squish him with a single wounding hit. Not a single traitor Terminator managed a wound, and the virtuous Marine killed one of them, enough to win him the combat. The Terminators promptly failed their morale test and, being Chaos, didn't have the immunity to being overrun that loyalist Marines did. That one Marine overran the squad, killed the lot and directly won me the game.
I once killed a terminator with a Harlequin's Kiss. For the uninitiated, I will explain. For the initiated, this was all under 2nd Edition. A Harlequin's Kiss is a close-combat weapon wielded by Eldar Harlequins, the Fragile Speedsters of 40K. They wear no armour, just a light-refracting field that means your opponent shoots with -1 to hit. So just getting your harlequins into close combat with Terminators - big, hulking, extra-armoured dudes with automatic weaponry built in - is quite a deal. Landing a hit was about 50/50 or thereabouts, but the real killer was that extra armour. Terminator armour conferred a save of 3+ - on 2D6. The Harlequin's kiss has no modifier to that, but does kill the victim instantly if the armour is penetrated. Double One. Insides turn to soup. Well, I laughed.
I will always, always remember a particular Space Marine Orks vs. Eldars battle. End of my opponent's first firing turn, which had already gone quite well for him, and he tries to find a use for his last Tempest heavy tank but can't quite get a line of sight on anything worth the while, so he decided to shoot at my Great Gargant, figuring at least it'd burn a shield - not a bad move, since Ork shields can't regenerate. He shoots, and hits. The shot goes right through all of the shields (a 1 in 6 chance - Ork shields suck that way). Since the Tempest main gun is not that great, he aims for the big Lifta Dropa on one arm, hoping to at least disable that. Misses, and strikes an ammo dump instead - the hardest armored point. I smile, and go for the easy save roll... which, of course, fails. He rolls max damage. The ammo dump explodes, which prompts an immediate roll on the fire table (normally you only have to roll those at the end of your own turn, and after you've had the chance to extinguish some of the fires), which in turn starts a long and convoluted chain reaction (involving one more ammo dump, and the main boiler, for two more immediate fire checks) until the Gargant finally explodes in the most spectacular fashion, obliterating most of the infantry I had stationed around it for the morale boost. 1000+ points gone, in one. lucky. shot. That wasn't even fired in the hope of doing anything. I still haven't figured out the funny in this story, but my opponent assures me there's a lot of it.
I have a habit of killing all of my brother's heroes when playing Warhammer40000 against him, regardless of edition and logic. this has often resulted in hilarious moments, one of the funniest being this: we were playing Rogue Trader in a campaign that allowed using Kill Sat weapons. these often have huge explosion radiuses and do high damage. So, my forces are now only like ten guys left, but my brother's army is like 20 guys in a swarm charging my last squad. my brother also has only one remaining hero, who is weak, but very far away from the battle field and easy enough to kill or rout if I survive the rest of his troops. I also have a single ship in orbit. Hilarity Ensues when I Wave Motion Gun a single enemy hero at the price of my victory.
On a whim at a local Warhammer club, me and my friend played two min-maxed 40K-in-40-minute armies against two 1500pt armies. We were outnumbered, points-wise 800pts vs 3000pts, almost 4x. We got first turn. My army had 4 Land Speeder Tornadoes and a scout squad. My friend had three Eldar Vypers with crystal targeting matrices (basically lets them move out of cover, shoot and then duck back behind cover before the return fire came) and a unit of rangers. It was a Glass Cannon force, basically dependant on not getting hit before laying on More Dakka. The enemy were Orks and Dark Eldar, who have abysmally bad armour. They started in vehicles. We wiped out 3/4 of their army in two turns.
I once had an enemy Beastmaster single-handedly slaughter Sammael, Master of the Ravenwing. Sammael is third-in-command of an entire army of super soldiers, in a setting where Authority Equals Asskicking. A beastmaster is a K-9 officer, wielding a glorified dagger. Said beastmaster then proceeded to cripple a dreadnought.
My Fire Warriors were targeted by an enemy tank at very short range. The tank proceeded to hit itself with its battle canon, explode, and wipe out a good part of the enemy infantry next to it. This was over 25% casualties, so it forced a morale check. Which they failed. They fled off the table. Yes. A Leman Russ shot itself, exploded, and caused an IG squad to break. I said those Fire Warriors weren't shooting next turn because they'd gone to ground - rolling on the floor laughing.
I once GM'd a game of Dark Heresy in which individuals were allowed to be incredibly silly. This led to many humourous moments, but the best one was at the very end (Or what should have been the end) of their adventure. Two of the party members were in a quarrel with each other over something trivial, and started fist fighting. One of the party's Guardsmen decided it would be a good idea to defuse the situation by trying to wound one of the combatants. He managed to score righteous fury and a critical hit. Rolling on the critical hit table, he caused his target to blow up, ammo exploding everywhere. In turn, this killed several party members, one of which also blew up, ensuring that nobody survived. To top it all off, one of the players said "I want to load the save file." right after the event.
Hearing this in the club I go to for Warhammer 40k: "And two's to wound... Ones! Ah For.."
I once played a Warhammer400000 game, Space Marines allied with Daemonhunters against Necrons. The Necron Monolith managed to get off a particle whip blast and blow my Inquisitor and my entire Space Marine command squad except for one trooper upgraded with a power sword into dust, leaving the single remaining trooper under the guns of three Destroyers (flying skimmer platforms with really big anti-personnel guns). So the lone command squad member charges the Destroyers on his next turn and proceeds to kill all three of them in a single round of close combat. It didn't quite make up for the ignoble end met by the 600-some point Inquisitor/Captain/Command Squad unit, but that particular soldier did get promoted to captain after that battle (he survived, the Land Raider and two Tactical squads managed to finish waxing the Monolith before it got to fire back). That game also had the incredible case of the Incompetent Immortals (a four-turns-long firefight between a full Inquisitorial Stormtroopers squad with no weapon upgrades and their heavy bolter Chimera and five Necron Immortals that resulted in precisely zero casualties on either side), the lucky Necron Warrior squad that immobilized the aforementioned Command Squad's Land Raider and blew two of its guns off with one turn of shooting, and the Necron Warriors that charged twice their number of Space Marines rather than standing around to get shot.
I played a character in a D&D 3.5 campaign who had turned evil and decided to betray the party and as a result got turned into a Vampire Lord (and they have some amazing powers, including never being permanently dead so long as there is someone to revive the ashes). A DM-controlled Paladin of a church that was being slowly corrupted was along when the players finally figured it out and came to dispose of me. He charged and the DM had already called out "And now I cast Lay on Hands," when I stopped him in midair, about a foot away from my character. Because said DM had forgotten that Vampire Lords have 12th-level telekinesis. The Paladin then got slaughtered, and the rest of the party fled.
So, the DM in my D&D campaign introduced his own version of a Rod of Wonder. It was a free action to activate, and he rolled a D30 to determine what it did. The wielder, when using it, had to declare what he wanted it to do, if the DM rolled a 30, and it was chaotic enough, that's what would happen. This led to such declarations as "I want the angel's underwear to suddenly weigh 30 tons." The activation word was "Fun" and he kept it in a Glove of Storing activated by snapping. But the best result was this.
DMOk, you've finished raiding the noble's house and have taken everything valuable that you could. You're on the second floor and have just exited his study. What do you do? Artificer *snaps fingers* Fun. DM *shakes head* Ok, what do you want it to do? Artificer Eeeehh. Summon a spectre in the study. DM *sigh* O.K. *rolls d30* Pause as the DM consults his made-up table and tries not to fall on the floor laughing. DMYou summon...a very large and confused Elephant in this 10x10 study. hilarity ensues and random things happen in the town and the party meets up later. ArtificerI explain what went on to the party. FighterW...T....ELEPHANT!?!?
In an Online play-by-post RPG, two tech-savvy types and an Obi-Wan type of character had the following discussion after the rather spectacular crash of a hoverdisk:
Techie 1 "Yes! It worked!"
Techie 2 "Worked?! The trajectory was abysmal, the propulsion was erratic, and the steering failed miserably!"
Techie 1 "Wrong! Trajectory was unplanned, propulsion was makeshift, and steering was nonexistent. And it still flew!"
Techie 2 "INTO A TREE!"
Old Sage "Into several trees!!!"
Techie 1 "You guys don't have the correct mindset. Look on the bright side. At least there's a nice big hole in the tree layer that some plants can use to grow... Or, or, at least the Dryads got to see something interesting for once."
Old Sage "I don't actually think there are any Dryads on this mountain... at least not yet"
Techie 2 "After that, I doubt there will be any time soon!"
This editor's first D&D 3.5 campaign, where he rolled quite a poor character who had penalties on Charisma. We were all hiding behind a thick wooden door, being sniped at by a dark-armor guy with a crossbow. My halfing rogue sticks his head around the door and goes "Chicken! Chicken!" and rolls a 20 on Bluff. The DM proceeds to roll a 1, and amid much merriment, Mr. Dark Armor is forced to charge and is promptly cut in half by our fighter. Not one room later, as a joke, my halfling strides in yelling "CHICKEN! CHICKEN!" and is shot and killed by another rogue in the shadows with a very large crossbow. I now have a mug with a rooster on one side and the phrase "Chicken! Chicken!" on the other.
In a D&D campaign (gone horribly awry starting at about 2 am), one person got a bit crazy with the sense motive checks.
I perform sense motive on the fire!
It wants to burn things.
In a Pathfinder 3.5 game, our party of 'not-evil' characters from Cheliax included a Paladin of Love with ranks in Profession (Courtesan). Our party had a side mission to gather something personal so our 'not-evil' overlord(ess) could scry on a former hero. My character (a druid) blew every dex check possible trying to steal something of his. To keep the hero distracted, the paladin decided to ply her trade while the player herself was taking a swig from a juice bottle. At that moment, I yelled, "Wait! Don't swallow that! I've got a vial!" I almost owed her a new player's handbook.
The following exchange took place in a one-off D&D session, run by me for my players:
DM: The manacles surge from the walls, grabbing at your arms and legs, then withdrawing and pulling tightly back. You failed your Grapple, and are now pinned up against the wall. Bound Player: Guys, help me! Free Player: I cast Detect Magic. Bound Player: ... Free Player: ... DM: ...YES.
In the same campaign, one of my players rolled up a doppleganger. The session started on a boat. I asked him what he was going to make himself appear as. He tells me he wants to look exactly like the first mate. "OK." We keep going for a little while, then the first mate walks on deck. He figures he's being dicked with by wizards and decides not to mess with the doppleganger. Cue the rest of the party rolling (fairly bad) Disguise checks to make themselves look like the first mate.
I once played an Elf Adept built as a face character (Commanding Voice, Kinesics, Facial Sculpt, the works) in a Shadowrun game, and during one session the DM gave us the evening off. We all went off to a bar, and our Dwarf gun specialist and Elf pilot failed repeated Willpower tests so badly that the GM ruled that I had successfully tricked them into engaging in a drinking contest. After numerous bottles of vodka and Limoncello (we were in Italy at the time), the Elf finally passes out, leaving the Dwarf victorious and the other three characters to drag them back to our hideout. The next morning, I burst into the room where the two are sleeping it off bright and early, open all the windows, and essentially force-feed them strong coffee.
That's not the best part. When the rest of the party was staring at his cruel, cruel treatment of the drunkards, he looks back and says in perfect deadpan: "I'm Russian. I know how to handle hung-over people."
And during this entire exchange the hacker was following me around alternately laughing and insincerely lecturing me on how cruel to these poor people I was being.
Later, while we were at a mafia boss's house (having told those two drunkards to go away since they would embarrass us greatly if we took them along), they burst in, very messily drunk, and the following exchange occurred...
Adept: “What did you do this time?”
Drunk weapons specialist: “I did nothing… I just said some words to this… this uh, lady, and this man got angry, and said something about duels, and… and pistols and someone was pulling a gun, and then everyone in the bar pulled a gun and then Kardal pulled his gun and then I pulled out my gun and I pulled out my shotgun for good measure and then I took another drink and then some shots were fired and we ducked under the table and I think one of the bottles got shot, which really sucks, man, cause it cost me fifteen nuyen and it was a beautiful glass, just shattered, and then it caught on fire… but… I was OK… ‘cause I can dodge bullets! I’m superman!”
Adept: “You, sir, are insane. We are not giving you any beer money next time around.”
Drunk weapons specialist: “I don’t need money, I’m a millionaire! I make money! I made money! I don’t need your money, and to top it off, I can dodge bullets!”
*Adept drags the drunks to a room full of very confused employees of the mafia boss*
Adept: “Gentlemen! I need a basin of freezing water!”
Drunk pilot: “I wasn drunk, I was buzzed! Drunk is fifty drinks! I had 49! I was very careful… I think…”
Adept: "You, shush."
Hacker: *bursts in* "Can I slap them? Please? It's a drunkenness cure, I swear!"
Drunk weapons specialist: “You look like the lady I talked to in the bar… she was really hot…”
Drunk pilot: “You can slap me anytime!” *drools*
Adept: *to Hacker* “Shhhh! Russian person! I know how to deal with drunks!”
*Adept upends both drunk characters into the cold water. Both drunk characters scream some variation of "it burns."*
Another bit of hilarity with this character. His relationship with our (female) hacker is completely platonic, but her crazy Yandere girlfriend showed up, took exception to his presence, and attacked him with a monowire whip. I spent the whole time doing nothing but defending myself and ranting about how uncivilized Americans are and how a proper challenge to a duel should be executed, then grabbing her whip and tying it to a stone pillar, and saying "Can I finish now?"
In the same gaming group that produced the above hilarity, there is currently a running Scion game. At one point, the Scion of Ares (Alex) introducing us to his birthright weapon resulted in this dialogue between him and my character, a Scion of Hades (Morana):
Alex: Nothing wrong with naming your guns after a badass fire-breathing dog.
I once had a sorcerer character who would summon fiendish creatures and use an improbably high bluff skill to trick them into doing good. Example:
*Summons three demons* Sorcerer: "See that guy over there?" *Indicates giant purple worm monster* "He gives to United Way" *Demons hiss in unison and charge the giant purple worm*
Another example: the party was planning to make a bomb with several vats of alchemist's fire, but lacked a way to detonate it remotely. so I summoned a dretch (a minor, stupid demon)
Sorcerer: "so, when you get the signal, light the match, and drop it into the barrel."
Dretch: "Then what do I do?"
Sorcerer: "Nothing. That's it. Your job is done."
Sorcerer (aside to another player): He'll be fine, he has Fire Resistance...of like, 5."
A Paladin was in a battle outdoors, and critically missed a strike. The DM ruled that the wild swing accidentally took out a tree. The Paladin then uttered a brilliant phrase:
Paladin: DAMMIT! There goes my Karma! I've been saving that!
One Forgotten Realms game I ran had a recurring thousand+ year old Mulhorandi paladin, whose life pretty much sucked (spent thousands of years in a tome guarding an artifact that gets stolen during the Time of Troubles, only to get destroyed by the creature as he was taking it down, but before the artifact could be recovered, and the Players, being mercenary-minded, kept the tome rather than destroy it). He was originally conceived as a one-shot character, but was so popular that he was brought back as a sword. Unfortunately, he gets used by the party's least competent member. At one point, when they needed some divine power (none of the players wanted to play a cleric), they think to ask the sword if it could help. The guy that asks happens to be a particular jerk. The exchange goes something like this:
"We need some divine magics... wait, why don't we ask Kethoth here... Kethoth, your god hasn't abandoned you yet, has he?" The Paladin responds with a perfect deadpan
"There are times I wonder." We were on the floor in stitches.
I played a high-level Poison Dusk Lizardfolk ranger/rogue/assassin with the most insanely overpowered bonus to Hide (something like +64 at 19th level) (and the Hide in Plain Sight ability) in existence. The first thing that happened in every encounter was that he hid from the opposition. Eventually we decided it would be funnier if he hid constantly, only actually doing anything that caused anyone to notice him when unavoidable, which led to things like the other two characters walking into an inn and requesting three rooms (after the innkeeper's puzzled look, my character would pop out of hiding for a moment). His Hide bonus was so high he performed Colossus Climbs and slit the Colossus' throat without being noticed.
I ran a 2nd Edition D&D game for a summer in high school, with one of his friends playing a half-elf bard, who mostly focused on Climb Walls for his thief skills. Despite having something like a 90% rate, every single time he ever tried to climb anything important, he'd fall at the highest point and end up requiring the clerical equivalent of intensive care. After the first half-dozen times, it became a joke among the characters that he was the only elf in the world who couldn't even climb a tree to save his life.
I ran a BESM 3 game in which the players jumped from world to world in order to beat up bad guys who were messing up the worlds. In this particular story, they ended up in the Legend of Zelda world. But they all followed Earth logic, so they were really confused about the world and how it worked. Pretty much everything was hilarious, but here's one of the best exchanges. They had just entered a home, and they found a wooden sword in a room full of pots. One player tried to poke a pot with the sword, and in true Zelda fashion it exploded. He poked a few more, and they had the same result. Also note that at this point nobody knew, in or out of character, where they were.
Gunslinger: THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME! This has to be a magical weapon or something!
Charmer: Hang onto it, we might be able to use it to beat up those guys that keep following us.
Magic-user: Why would someone leave this lying around?
When they got to town, they had their first encounter with the NPCs that say the same thing over and over again. Gunslinger tried to stab one with the wooden sword to make them explode, but it didn't work. That's when the following happened:
Gunslinger: What the hell?! How the hell does a sword completely destroy pottery but can't even stab one per-
Magic-user: What is it?
Gunslinger: THEY'RE UNDEAD!
A friend told me this one about the sort of thing that only happens at 2AM. In an 80's Shadowrun game, a character tried to jump into a rolling CityMaster, and failed. The obvious consequence: he was going to get run over. The player burns a Karma point to re-roll his jump. For the character, time stops, and he's left hanging in mid-air, inches from the tire. A dozen dwarves in jumpsuits and hard hats show up. "Hey, buddy, you the one that spent the karma point?" The dwarves bring in some heavy machinery, tow the CityMaster back a few feet, pluck the character out of the air and put him back on the ground. "Okay, restart in three, two, one..." The player gets his reroll. The character makes it into the CityMaster.
In one horror adventure, my party was trapped in a Your Mind Makes It Real nightmare. One of the opponents was a jester who kept dodging around the room while telling lame jokes, causing the characters to laugh maniacally, with a risk of literally bursting with laughter. Instead of swinging wildly to silence him as fast as possible, my team mage... told a lame joke of his own. It was too brilliant not to work.
In another adventure, the team mage (a different one) had a magic amulet that warded off enemy arrows. The team used her as a living shield, carrying her over their heads while sieging a castle.
It was near the climax of a D&D 3.5 Evil Campaign, where our characters were almost done collecting a broken artifact that would allow us to pull our dead (NPC) leader out of what amounts to Hell, and in the process unleash the evil god that was sealed in that dimension (which some of the party members knew about.) We had to dig our way into somewhere and needed a rest, anyway, so the party's necromancer set some of his minions to digging while the party rested. And then we proceeded to play a game of Truth or Dare in character. The results? Much backstory was told, and many dares were issued; the best of which was where the necromancer and the Tiefling warlock ended up crossdressing in Southern Belle-style frilly dresses.
From the same campaign: the Fridge of Endless Ice Cream, found in a dragon's hoard during a less than serious adventure.
Also from the same campaign: a character who was, originally, a very pro-human racist accidentally got engaged to a non-human, and her honor demanded that she go through with the marriage. The leadup was hilarious, she slowly learned to accept non-humans as being actual people even as her non-human partymates taunted her about her situation, and the wedding itself was a combination of a Crowning Moment of Funny and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. (The necomancer's wedding gift? He True Resurrected her dead mother, who had died in childbirth.)
In another campaign, my character—a bard—saved the lead of a famous opera from assassination. As part of the reward, she asked him to turn the story of their adventure so far into an opera. He liked the idea, but knew some of the Bad Guys were cultured members of polite society, and attended the opera on a regular basis. (The party'd bumped into them on the way into the show.) So he wrote a hideously—and hilariously—twisted, cliched, trope-loaded version of their story as the Show Within a Show, making it both comical and obscuring the truth about their backstory.
This is basically the entire point of Paranoia, but one session always sticks out in my mind. At the beginning of a mission, I had my character order food over his do-everything PDC. Near the end of the mission, after all six of my character's clones had died in horrible but amusing ways, the food delivery finally arrived... and landed right on top of the person we were tasked with saving, crushing her to death and getting the rest of the team executed for gross incompetence.
During a game of Paranoia, I requested something (I can't remember what) from the Computer. It rejected the request, telling me that I needed Green Security Clearance to access what I wanted. On a whim, I asked what security clearance was required to know that people with Green Security Clearance had access to that which I was asking for. The answer? Yellow, which is one step below Green. As a Troubleshooter with only Red Clearance (two steps below Yellow), I pointed out to The Computer that it was breaking its own security precautions, giving out restricted information. Having a couple previous clones die for breaking security precautions, I wondered if it was going to break MORE security precautions by ignoring its own actions. Faced with this Logic Bomb, the Big Eye of The Computer closed, and all the lights went out in Alpha Complex. In a game of Paranoia, I had defeated The Computer.
Any clone attempting to deceive Friend Computer into violating security protocols is by definition a commie mutant traitor and should be terminated, and possibly also repatterned or simply erased to make sure they don't cause the same problem again. Anyclone successfully deceiving Friend Computer into violating security protocols is by definition a Machine Empath, and while it's quite possible that there might be something left standing in the sector after Our Friend has finished dealing with the situation, I wouldn't recommend sticking around to see for yourself. The above story isn't funny at all; it's just an example of a crap Paranoia GM.
Honestly, whether it "should" have happened or not, it's funny. And it's entirely possible the GM was aware that wouldn't normally work, but ran with it for the humor, to reward cleverness, or whatever other reason. Paranoia assumes that whatever the GM says, goes to an even greater degree than other Tabletop Role Playing Games. If the GM decides The Computer crashes, it crashes. Deal with it.
Have you ever seen a bomb disposal mission turn into a mission to the moon? That can happen in Paranoia. Have you ever seen accidental character suicide by using Pyrokinesis to activate a grenade in someone else's backpack, without considering that they're in a 2m square box? That can happen in Paranoia. Have you ever seen someone shot for drinking orangeade? That can happen in Paranoia.
In one of my first games, PC #1 (me) was a Psion and PC #2 (my girlfriend at the time) was an Anti-Mutant. As usual, early in the mission, we each got a message from a NPC secret society contact. Unlike usual, these messages were completely accurate. And how:
PC #1's message: There's an Anti-Mutant on the team, and PC #2 knows who it is.
PC #2's message: There's a Psion on the team, and PC #1 knows who it is.
I took part in one marathon Paranoia session with my high school buddies, which ran until roughly 4 AM. Given the setting and situation, it should come as no surprise that the game was hilarious, but one particularly hilarious player had no less than three crowning moments of funny:
A similar event to the above-mentioned game happened, almost word for word; the player had a discussion with The Computer about whether or not it broke its own rules. Ten minutes pass, and I and the other two players get up to find some snacks. Cue our usually serious and stoic GM abruptly ending the conversation with "Alright, you devious little asshole, go order some pizza while I try and salvage my precious story." The pizzas got here before we stopped laughing enough to start playing again.
After a lengthy adventure involving trying to stop a secret society trying to take over while the computer was down, we were consistently pestered by a random other Troubleshooter, who we figured out was actually Int Sec. After killing him for the sixth and (we thought) final time, we were assaulted and captured and brought before the head of the Secret Society we were trying to destroy. Guess who it was? He monologued, revealing his whole big plot to break the citydome into small self-supporting sectors, at which point the player from earlier just bursts out into hysterical laughter. Calms down for a minute, and says "Wait, let me get this straight: The other troubleshooter, who we keep killing and then bumping into, who is actually Int Sec in disguise, who is actually a Society leader and therefore a Dirty Commie, is now revealing that he is, in fact, very literally a communist?" The GM says "Yeah, I guess thats right. Why is that so funny?" Player inhales deeply and dramatically, and then belts out "Commie Commie Commie Commie Commie Chameleon, You come and go, you come and goooooooo!"
Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, we had killed most of the secret society members, who had decided to militarize and just start attacking the Army and CPU outright. We had lost just about all of our clones when an unfortunate set of rolls ended up making the Army turn on us. Just as the aforementioned player's last clone was about to be killed, suddenly all the lights and power comes back on, and a turret pops out of the grounds and fries his assailant. His response? "Wow. The Computer really is my friend."
Once upon a time, I attended a Paranoia LARP at a con. I was dressed in black shoes, black pants, and black t-shirt (remember, rank in Paranoia goes Infrared(Black), ROYGBIV, Ultraviolet(White)), so when the Troubleshooters came around and started demanding all sorts of helpful and menial things of me, I just stood there smiling at them. After a couple of minutes of them berating me for not answering and obeying like a good little low-ranker, I pointed downward... and then lifted a trouser leg to show the white socks I was wearing. They were Not Amused(tm).
I was being an assistant GM, and without knowing how the sentence was going to end, told the party that when they (inevitably) came to the inn, they looked around and found that the potboy was out back . . . smoking.
And then there was the try-to-be-the-last-PC-standing scenario at a CONduit SF convention, using GURPS, which brags about its inter-genre capabilities. I named my character Dr. Insidious and made him a Priest of Evil, costumed as a generic "Oriental villain" from a never-made B movie of the '40s, and bought him an astonishing Dodge capability. In the same room of the rather futuristic bar/hotel was a Jedi Knight, a character type that Dr. I. had naturally never heard of; but after asking a few question Dr. I. decided he must be Good, and thus an enemy.
Rather Young GM: You look around and see the metal tables topped with a material you don't recognize (it's plastic, of course).
Dr. I's Player (aged 59): Formica.
GM: And of course you won't recognize the laser rifle.
Dr. I: Death ray.
After that, there was no attempt to penalize my guy for unfamiliarity. His usually successful Dodging frustrated his attackers, but some cooperation among opponents brought him down.
While exploring a Circus of Fear in a Steam PunkChampions game, Vespid (Scottish man-ant thing) splits off from the party and is ambushed by tigers (which practically know kung fu, if their Bestiary writeup is any indication). Bowler (martial arts Battle Butler) and Gimmicker (party gadgeteer and Chew Toy of the Random Number God) find him cornered atop a circus wagon, and Gimmicker decides to attempt a Presence Attack:
Gimmicker: Cat, you get down from there right now!
Topped only moments later, as Vespid decides to use his height advantage for a flying tackle against the now-distracted tiger... and promptly botches his attack roll, leaving an ant-shaped indentation in the ground and very nearly KOing himself. Combat pauses for a second as everyone, tigers included, has a moment of silence for Vespid's dignity.
I played Warhammer at my local club for eight months. I'd built up an 8000 point army of mutated Chaos gribbly thingies, spider tanks with demon crews, and an extremely strange little man in a badly-fitting helmet who just happened to be a Khornate Champion (Khorne being the god of axe crazies). Now, I won a fair few games at other clubs, but whenever I sat down and set up the mutant horde for a game the dice decided they hated me. I had artillery shells bounce off Gaunts (unarmoured squishy bug things). I inflicted 76 casualties on two units in a single volley - my OWN UNITS. A Guardsman CONSCRIPT (like a normal Imperial Guardsman but even bloody worse) killed my Khornate Champion TWICE. Wanna know how many sixes I ever rolled in that club?
Four. In EIGHT MONTHS. I tried to eat my own HAIR!
What the hell did you do to piss off the Dice Gods that badly?
My dad was banned for a while from playing Battletech because of his uncanny ability to roll natural 20's when he needed them most. It happened several times: his Battlemaster fires a salvo of LRM's at a distant mech. All but one miss. The one that does hit? Magic Missile. Natural 20, pierces all armor and ignites the enemy mech's fusion engine. KABOOM! He was unofficially banned for a few weeks after it happened for the third time...
The fact that BattleTech does not actually use a twenty-sided die in any capacity (everything gets rolled on plain old six-siders) somehow only manages to make the above sound funnier. :) (In the above poster's defense, miracle critical hits taking a 'Mech out of action in one shot while it even has armor still remaining in that location can in fact happen. They're not likely, but exchange enough shots...)
I remember my first and (to date) only BattleTech campaign, where I decided to create a mercenary Mech unit. I thought I'd been so clever, managing to convince the GM to give me a full combined-arms regiment (2 'Mech battalions, an armoured battalion, an infantry battalion plus an aerospace company) with 50% Star League-era tech. Then he told me the setting: Free Rasalhague Republic (hates mercs) planet of Susquehanna (on the border with the Periphery, so assuming pirate stomping was logical at this point) in the year 3050 (Clan invasion, first-wave target of Clan Ghost Bear... OH CRAP). The fun doesn't stop there, as in the first contact between my regiment and the Clan Battle Cluster, the first time one of my Mechs fired went something like this: 1) Full Alpha Strike 2) All shots hit 3) All shots hit in the same location, so bye-bye armour 4) Critical hit 5) Roll on critical hit table returns result of "Ammunition explosion" 6) The ammunition location in question was for the anti-missile system 7) Guess which ammo stowage was the only one which didn't have CASE... In the end, I actually managed to defeat the invading Clanners, even though I took something like 80% equipment losses. The GM was so flabbergasted by that that he ended up giving me pretty much the entire Cluster as fuctioning salvage, plus all of the spare parts. I still wish I'd managed to get the Black Lion-class War Ship as well.
My players where running a Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 adventure that consisted of a lot of ocean themed things. We where running with a resurrection table that allowed a character to come back to life with penalties if they died. In the very first adventure we ran, one of the characters was killed by a giant crab. For the rest of that campaign whenever a crustacean would show up, the character would be inevitably killed, or at least extremely mauled, by the creature. Finally he had been killed so many times he decided to let his final death stand...Being carried off underwater by a giant demonic lobster.
Later that campaign, the DM resurrected the character as a hostile NPC in the style of Pirates of the Carriabean: Dead Man's Chest... He was a human/demon/CRAB hybrid, and he almost wiped the party out.
In that same campaign, a player had a character designed with the Book of Nine Swords, which introduces Wuxia-style martial arts. The most powerful attack the character had was called Mountain Hammer. Whenever the character used Mountain Hammer, he ALWAYS missed. He used Mountain Hammer in excess of 55 times during that campaign and scored a hit with it grand total of 3 times.
In another campaign that same player created another with Mountain Hammer, with only slightly better results. To this day players involved with this campaign are shocked when anyone lands a Mountain Hammer.
Our encounter with Gilgamesh in a particularly amusing Pathfinder game set in Final Fantasy VI. He insisted that we had to fight him to get past where he was standing. I was playing a Nomad/Soulknife using a somewhat liberal interpretation of the Vow of Poverty feat, which led to Gilgamesh getting fairly annoyed at me teleporting past him. He chased us down and caught us at our campsite, insisting on a battle; I sat there on total defense and dared him to hit me. He couldn't.
In Keep on the Shadowfell, there's a goblin prisoner you can rescue, who's intended to provide a small amount of information and then help the party, betray the party, or disappear. Specifically, the module states that he knows the first five areas. There's a pit trap in area 1 the party had already encountered. So naturally I (the DM) had the goblin say, "There's a pit trap in the entrance". Party Chaotic Stupid ranger duly splats him dead with a scimitar. Game gets put on hold until the laughter stops.
A friend of mine was playing a necromancer in a D&D 3.5 game, in a party that included a cavalier. The DM is drawing the room in on his dry-erase map, and draws a 10-foot square and squiggles it in. The cavalier places his mini on the board and says "I charge the squiggle-monster!", and rolls three natural twenties in a row (an instant kill, for the uneducated). The DM says, "It's a pit, you moron!" "It's a dead pit!" the cavalier returns. "Okay, fine, it's a dead pit." the DM snaps. The necromancer says "I cast animate dead on the pit!"
I have a Fauxtivational Poster somewhere featuring an online relating of a story. Barbarian with Diehard gets the top of his head cut open by a Marilith, at which point the psion jokes that he likes to kill things with his brain because he doesn't get killed back. The Barbarian's player, who is now disarmed, mutilated, and on -9HP (brink of death), uses Diehard to throw his brain at the Marilith. It misses on a severe string of natural 1's, at which point it is discovered the Psion is in the path. The roll to hit the Psion? 20. Psion: "You killed me." Barbarian: "With my brain." Psion (over laughter): "I! HATE! YOU! SO! MUCH!"
Link to poster, please?
Wish granted◊, though there might be a better quality version.
I was once playing Eldar against Imperial Guard in a game of Warhammer 40,000. My friend's Leman Russ was pitching battle cannon shells at my Falcon, but never got better than a Vehicle Shaken (may not fire next turn) damage result, so I continued to move my Falcon towards his Leman Russ. The Falcon rams the Leman Russ, and both tanks explode, blowing a massive chunk out of his infantry line while my Dire Avengers in their Wave Serpents are running away with the mobile objective, thumbing their noses at the stupefied Guardsmen.
I played a short lived semi-evil 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons campaign involving only two players (including me) and the DM. I had a Dwarf barbarian and the other PC was an arrogant, racist human fighter who somehow got platemail. The DM made an NPC who was the fighter's lost sister who can't talk and was forced into prostitution. When we found the pimp forcing her in the back room at an inn, the fighter went back and killed him. To cover up the noise, my dwarf jumped on a table, dressed in dirty fur and leather with a tankard in each hand and began singing and dancing, having to increase volume several times so that the nearby level 10 town guards having a drink wouldn't hear the sound of the fighter beating the pimp's head against the wall.
I had a lot of fun in a Shadowrun campaign, playing a ridiculously overpowered Elf Adept. In one adventure, I broke into an enemy corp's safe and made off with a whole bunch of their experimental technology, in the process tripping every alarm in the building. Our mage/programmer was sitting in the computer center of the building the entire time, and was utterly flabbergasted that I had never bothered to ask her to shut off the alarms. That party also included a panther shapeshifter, who was sitting in the computer center in panther form, and as soon as the guards open the door he charges out and mauls one to death. He rolls an Intimidation check using just his two points of Charisma, and gets two hits; the GM rules that the rest of the guards turn and run for their lives.
The first time I ever GM'ed, I ran a Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition module whose name I can't remember. One early encounter involved the PC's facing orcs shooting at them from across a chasm spanned by a rope bridge. Instead of foolishly crossing under fire, the PC's sensibly stayed on their side of the chasm, took cover, and shot back, then crossed after the guards had been dispatched. Crossing the rope bridge was a DC 5 Dexterity check, and since they weren't under fire they should have been able to take ten and get an automatic success. However, I was a new GM and forgot about this rule, as did all my players, so everyone rolled a Dexterity check. The first two to cross rolled a 3 and a 2, and both PC's fell screaming into the chasm. One of the players then grabbed the map the party had made so far and wrote "DEATH DEATH DEATH" across the chasm, at which point the third player (whose PC was the only one who had yet to cross) said "Instead of crossing the Chasm of DeathDeathDeath, I'm going to leave and look for another way into the caves over there." To this day, we still occasionally mention the infamous Chasm of DeathDeathDeath.
I started out my Golden Age Champions game with the 1938 Martian Invasion — basically, Orson Welles was performing a different radio play that night, the events described in our world's radio play really happened. Well, it started out that way, and then there were several superheroes gathering for the first time to kick Martian tentacle, which isn't in any version of the play I've found. Anyway, at one point Our Heroes are fighting near one of the Martian space vehicles. One PC, a "brick" in Champions terms (powers consisting of high strength and high defenses) decided to do a non-combat speed Move Through on the Martian leader. For non-Champions players, this means he ran as fast as superhumanly possible at the Martian planning to do an American football tackle. Unfortunately, going non-combat speed increases how fast you can run but thoroughly hoses your Combat Value (chance to hit). The PC missed the Martian, and plowed into the side of the vehicle. Did I mention that if you do a Move Through but your opponent doesn't fall down, you take damage as well? With the added damage boost from his non-combat movement, that PC successfully knocked himself out.
Before I forget, another event from that campaign (different scenario). We had two bricks in the group, and one of them had just been hit by one of my villains. According to the roll, the blow would knock the target hero backwards about 5 game inches. I commented that the character's defenses would probably soak up the "knockback" damage, but that I would roll it anyway. I picked up 5d6, rolled, and got 5 sixes. The hero's player promptly called out "Yahtzee!"
I was running a Dragon Warriors campaign in which the characters were told to find a sword that was a present for the nephew of Sir Beorn (the steward of the local baron; a sort of government figure), who hired them. Finding it, they learn that Beorn was plotting with several other stewards to overthrow the baron, and that the sword contained a note about organizing an attempt on the baron's life. The players decided to bring the sword and note to the baron instead of Beorn. They didn't count on Beorn waiting for them outside the dungeon they were exploring. They needed to find an excuse for not having the sword that would satisfy Beorn so they could run to the baron's castle. After a while, they decided that they would send out the group's Elementalist (a mage focused on manipulating a certain element) to come up with an excuse while the other characters hid. The exchange between Beorn and the Elementalist went something like this:
Beorn: Do you have the sword?
Elementalist: Yes, we do.
Beorn: Where is it?
Elementalist: *points to where party is hiding* Over there.
Cue moment of deadly silence, followed by everyone yelling at once. In the end, they had to kill Beorn in a fight that became remembered as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
One person in my RPG group once suggested a crossover game, in which everyone got to pick a character out of any D20 rulebook ever written at 15th level. In direct violation of Mr. Welch's rule #100, my concept character was Hermes, a silly Goa'uld System Lord with ADHD and an adrenaline addiction, and Autolycus, his long-suffering overly serious First Prime.
That character ended up being vetoed. The party we ended up with included a Sith Lord, a Githzerai Soulknife using Greyhawk as his starting setting, and a [[Stargate Tok'ra]] demolitions specialist. I chose to be a Naztharune Rakshasa Swordsage starting in Eberron.
I was GMing a 3.5e D&D module that basically involved a small village that had been overrun by goblins. After one particularly nasty combat, the party decided to just burn the entire place. They're going along, setting fire to building after building, when one of the places they torch happens to have a nearly-empty wand of Levitate hidden inside. I ruled that the fire destroyed the wand, and then noticed - 3 charges remaining, and 3 PCs... They ended up stuck Levitating for the duration of the spell, unable to reach the ground. The party's barbarian decides to have a little fun, and simply sticks his greatsword straight out and starts spinning as fast as he can - cue the other two PCs deciding that it was an excellent time to be at a different altitude...
Later in the same module, they encountered a hedge wall enchanted to be nearly impossible to climb or cut through (the one item capable of cutting through it easily was also in a torched building). Wanting to find out what was inside, they came to a solution, thereafter referred to as the "Halfling Grappling Hook" maneuver.
I was playing a 3.5e game where we had Crowning Moment of Funnyand a Crowning Moment of Awesome at the same time. The party had to take on agroup of lizardmen inside their cavern stronghold, and had just gotten done killing the lizardmen's leader. We stopped to rest inside his chamber, because we were completely expended following that fight due to hilariously bad rolls. During that time, the lizardfolk had come to realize something was wrong, and the entire remaining encampment showed up to beak down the door. Naturally, the party prepared to meet their charge with a flurry of readied actions that included: prepared grease spell, prepared charge by the party's charge-build Warblade, prepared arrow attacks, prepared sneak attacks by the rogue hiding beside the door, and a prepared alchemist's fire into the middle of the dozens-strong horde waiting outside. The moment the door smashed, two of the lizardfolk were killed instantly by arrows, several more were set on fire, and the first one to enter the room fell flat on his face. The fourth lizardfolk rushed into the room and was shanked and killed outright by the rogue, and at the same time was hit by the charging Warblade, who used the Charging Minotaur maneuver. He criticaled on the attack, severing both the lizardfolk's arms, and his bull rush from Charging Minotaur hurled the corpse and all its disparate components back down the hallway into the other lizardfolk. The DM paused, made a couple of rolls, and then the entire horde of angry lizardfolk who outnumbered us three times over broke and ran away. It took a few seconds for the sheer awesome and hilarity of what just happened to hit everyone at the table, and we were laughing for a few minutes straight at how absurdly awesome that was.
Mad Writter: On a internet forum, I was Game Master-ing a Cartoon Action Hour game. They were three PCs: a air knight named Skye Emerald, a Marshall Hawk, and a jungle man know as The Shaman. I sent the Turgs, a squad of Mooks against the PCs. Skye role a flub (1 on a D12) during the battle and the PC got a fish net for her troubles. The other two were able to get rid of the the rest. The Shaman of seeing the fish net laughed and say, "Hey, Marshall. They caught a flying fish!" I was in stitches for the rest of the day.
A player in my 3.5 group lost my character sheet and statted up a new one. After we saved him from orcs, one of us asked how he was captured.
I was playing a game of warhammer 40,000 with my friend. He was Imperial Guard and I was Dark Eldar. He had two Leman Russes, a sentinel, and a hellhound. The only units that I had to kill tanks were my jetbikes, my ravager skimmer, and my scourge squad. All of those units are very easy to kill and it was a surprise to both of us when I had killed all of his vehicles by turn two.
A new party member had to be brought up to speed on what had been going on in the world, since he had just done a pilgrimage from his monastery to where the rest of the PCs were. Said recap took the form of my Genki Girl Fighter pretty much rattling off everything they'd done since the start of the campaign rather quickly. The following (paraphrased) exchange then took place:
New Monk: *half-dead stare* Druid: I think we broke his mind. Fighter: Would you believe it if someone told you all that? I'm not sure I am sometimes. Druid: I can't believe you left out all detail from the parts where you were awesome. Fighter: I was telling the short version. New Monk: I need to go meditate...
The rules of D&D don't generally allow for one's druid to summon three pangolins and use them as melee weapons, nor do they allow for that same druid to use her vagina as extra inventory space. Nonetheless.
You're not reading the right books.
I was playing my first game of Warhammer FRP. The characters had finished drinking in a tavern, and it came time to pay the waitress. I said "I toss her a gold piece, and say 'keep the change.'" The GM said "she gets a shocked expression on her face, and says, ' thank you sir! '". I looked at the GM and asked, "I just tipped her a week's salary, didn't I?" "No," he replied. "More like a year's."
I was involved in an online-RP using an anthro-type wolf character named Kaiburr, when I ran into two personifications of the Seven Deadly Sins. To make the long story short, the Lust character began to use magic to play with the flame on a candle, scaring Kaiburr and causing him to warn her to not do it again. When he was ignored, Kaiburr climbed up the wall and across the ever-present rafters of the building. From there, he proceeded to, without aiming very well, urinate on not only the candle, but on both Lust and Greed. There was much more to what had happened. The full events can be found here (forgive the way it seems to jump around, it was heavily edited)
"If I get pissed off, you get pissed on."
Dark Heresy team kill Fate Burning war:
Friend's Dark Pact Guardsman: "Does the dust cloud (from an explosion) block sight?" GM: "Yes" Friend: "OK, I slit his [my one armed psyker] throat" Me "What!?" Friend Grins Me "Okay I burn a fate point to stay alive" Friend stabs me twice, does no damage Me "I cast Fearful Aura," rolled 21. GM " Okay, you [friend] see yourself getting torn apart by horrific daemons, you pass out for d5 rounds and take d5 insanity points" Friend: "I'm going to burn a fate point to stay awake and I draw my shotgun," Fires at my head, putting me at critical 11 Me: "Burn a fate point to kick him in the gonads before he shoots" GM: To Friend "Roll to dodge," friend fails GM: "Roll a -20 toughness test" friend fails by several levels. GM: "You pass out, and find yourself awakening with a great pain in your lower torso as your hands are nailed to a crucifix."
Okay, so one time I was in a 4th ed game, and was having a blast playing an eccentric Storm Sorcerer with 7 wisdom. During one point, the party had to spring a bunch of political prisoners from a prison in order to stage a rebellion. Our Old Man NPC was just going to transfer our characters in, but due to my halfling's ADD, all he heard was "Blah blah blah I'm old, blah blah, you need to get into that prison." With that, he exclaimed that he was apparently BORN for this moment and took off, proceeding to run amok in a nearby town by firing lightning blasts at official looking buildings, causing massive thunder crashes, and conjuring winds for the sole purpose of blowing up the skirts of the good looking women. To make matters worse, the dwarf paladin ran after him, and upon seeing that the town worshiped the evil god Bane, found the largest temple and proceeded to deface it, along with all others. Eventually we were captured, and upon being imprisoned within an anti-magic cell block, my halfling's response? "That was COMPLETELY worth it!" Sadly, our DM was NOT amused.
An old DnD session of mine had one of the players be framed for a large number of atrocities against the Silver Marshes. However, the previous session had him do some pretty horrible things, like assault numerous guards, intentionally set fire to a house filled with mostly innocent people, and since one of the other players knocked out a servant girl and hid her body, accidentally kill someone. So when confronted with the long litany of charges, his response was: "I am innocent... of the majority of those crimes."
I had one during my very first game of Munchkin. I was at lv.09 and had two monsters on my hand I could fight to acsend to lv.10 and win the game, the lv.02 monster Gelatinous Octahedron and the much stronger lv. 10 3,872 Orcs. Deciding to end the game with a bang I chose to fight the 3,872 Orcs, using a card called Magic Missle to boost his lv. by 5 for the remainder of the fight. Unfortunately one of my opponents decided to use another card called Enrage to strengthen the monster. Cue all 3,872 Orcs going WAAAAAGGHHH!! and batting the magic missle right back at me. I lost a total of five levels as a result, but it was worth it for the sheer hilarity of the moment.
In a Munchkin game, the deck was the main game with a few expansions combined with the base Star expansion. After having a item card in front of me that guaranteed a escape from all monsters in a fight for the majority of the game, it all came down to 5 of our 6 players glaring at each other across the table due to everyone being level 9. The only one who was not was the thief sitting across from me due to failing to steal items down to level 1. After two people almost won their fights it came around to my turn. After opening the door to a bonus card, I played the Great Cthulhu with enough bonuses to outright kill it. A fierce war occurred as everyone used their last cards to make sure I would not win to the point where I was only a few numbers off from winning. Asking for help, everyone turned me down expect for the thief who just wanted the game to end. Another round of cards hit the table and we were once again losing by only a small amount. After making sure everyone was done, I revealed the card I had been holding and walked out of the combat unscratched. Handing the die across the table to the thief, I instructed him to roll to run away. With a 1 showing on the first roll(Mate and Evil Clone having been played) I sat back and declared that as the Great Cthulhu had just eaten him everyone else went up a level and thus it was a 5 way tie. Game over.
I am playing in a Rifts: Lone Star game where my character is a mutant hyena named Ed and the other character is a crossdressing mystic. Early on the hyena thought the mystic was a woman, only to be told that because he has an Adam's Apple that meant that he was a man. The hyena, already pretty naive, now follows the mystic around and fawns over him in a way that's been compared to Wall-E fawning over EVE. Another event in said game, that occurred when the two characters were visiting the town sherriff, was rather funny as well. The hyena walked by a cell containing a Coalition soldier as an inmate. The soldier kicked his (thankfully empty) chamberpot at the hyena's head, but since the hyena had a helmet it bounced off harmlessly. Rather than throw it back or attack the man, the hyena tucked the chamber pot under his arm and walked off with it, causing the soldier to beg for him to bring it back.
Mad Writter: On the same internet form as my last Cartoon Action Hour game, I was doing a superhero game with it. The two PCs in this case were Stuntman and Jim Pee Zee. I had a bad mafia boss laugh at the horros. The following lines were spoken:
Jim Pee Zee: "Those evil laughter classes Marty took has really paid off, don't you think?"
Stuntman""Don't those actors know that 'less is more'?"
In a recent game I was in, my character, a professional thief with a bad luck streak, died. It didn't stick, but he was permanently traumatized by the realization that a crime he had been denying doing, blaming it on a partner in crime, he'd actually committed. The crime? Raping a horse. Turns out my DM thought the character was actually insane enough to do it. Which, considering I was playing him...
When I was playing a bandit-type character in Legend of the 5 Rings, a medieval Japan fantasy game, my character went to a brothel where one of the other players worked (being a geisha), and proceeded to run the ash off his hands onto the wall, in front of EVERYONE. Then, just as a guard was about to kill my character, I used a Lie check to FAKE INSANITY. AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. In the end, my character was simply kicked out, instead of getting killed. Still can't really believe that I got away with it.
The operation was a success, and Surgio appeared as a new elf (literally, as he looked like he had been ran over by a Scro Mantis twice)
D&D 3.5 campaign with a few of my college buddies with a nautical theme. We end up with a ship capable of underwater and flight (heavy enchantment). On its shakedown cruise, we fight a kraken (Ginormous sea monster). We follow it to its lair and kill it. Then I, as I was the party's accountant, manage to say, "Show us ... the Kraken Booty." 30 seconds later, once it percolates through everyone's head what I said, hilarity ensues.
I was (and still am) running a Deadlands game for a group that has proven to be...unfocused in the past. Not in a bad way, per se, and their characters looked pretty awesomely serious this time around, but I figured they would find some way to ruin my plot. They were put on a train, which was promptly attacked by "bandits" out to blow it up. The ones that entered the posse's car were dispatched reasonably quickly, but the gunfire attracted others, who began to bang on the door and yell "Will? What's going on in there?". At this point, the female outlaw decided deception was best. Cue:
"Oh, WILL! WILLIAM! Ohh!"
It took them five, ten minutes to break the Marshal. This included brief introductions.
I once participated in a one-shot GURPS game. Our mission involved landing in South America to look for the hidden enemy base. The DM was going to roll the dice for every period of time to see how we did. The very first roll was triple 1s (a critical success). And that's how we stumbled onto the Fountain Of Youth.
I feel obligated to mention a particularly cracked MU* that used D&D 3.5 rules combined with D20 Modern, and a slew of house rules for classes and feats specific to this (now defunct) setting. House rules stated that characters created as Modern could still use the D&D 3.5 classes but had to be humans, this led to some truly hilarious and deviously constructed encounters due to the fact that players were encouraged to run the occasional 'random meeting and adventure' encounter. One day the group I ran this with consisted of all modern characters except one elf fighter....against a rust monster. Not a single weapon survived the encounter except a hastily-grabbed thick branch the elf took after his sword was dissolved...and the next thing to pop up was a Gelatinous Cube.
Taking place in the same game world: A Deep Imaskari wizard who worships Velsharoon and makes no secret of this fact decided to do something VERY unusual with the Explosive Runes spell she'd picked up off a scroll and transcribed into her book...she had business cards printed up to advertise for her magic item crafting abilities. Half of these were subjected to the spell, the other half were not, and she kept them in pockets opposite each other on her Belt of Many Pockets. She routinely handed out the unenchanted cards to people she was just meeting for the first time. Hilarity ensues after she'd given out these cards to a random group that included a paladin at the start of a 'dungeon run' into a strange new cemetery that appeared in the middle of the city park. The group decides to explore a prominent tomb only for Nanay to walk up to the door and use scotch tape to stick a business card to it while telling everyone to stand back about fifty feet. The paladin decides to only stand back five feet, not realizing what will happen when Nanay asks one of the other characters to read her business card through a set of binoculars.
Nanay: "Are you sure you don't want to stand back a bit further?"
Paladin: "Just do whatever you're going to do so we can get on with it, wizard."
N: "Alright (other PC), read that card on the door."
OPC: *reads card through binoculars*
N: *rolls dice for Explosive Runes damage*
DM: "Okay (paladin), I'm going to need a reflex save."
P: *rolls, fails*
DM: "Okay, that's fifty-six force damage to the door and the paladin, and the facade of the tomb......."
DM: "The paladin is flung back ten feet from the wave of force and the door of the tomb is blown inwards, followed by the sound of many bones snapping as the door impacts the far wall, crushing the six skeletons that were behind it."
N: "And what did we learn today?"
P: "When a Wizard says Stand Back, there's probably a good reason." *ooc* "I cast Detect Evil."
DM: "You see no evil within twenty feet of the tomb, but a passing glance at Nanay shows her glowing brilliantly."
P: "Son of a....."
For those not getting the joke: Velsharoon is the demigod of Necromancy and evil spellcasters as well as being an ascended lich himself.
In another example, a long-running plot thread on the same online game had portals spewing forth random things from alternate dimensions. One of them popped out an entire goa'uld mothership. Once it was clear the players had figured out what it was, the GM announced that their police liaison had just taken a phone call, and passed on to them: "MGM is offering a million dollars if you can get a live interview with any member of SG-1."
I have had a lot of hilarious moments in Warhammer 40,000, mostly when playing against my friend's guard army. Among other things, I've had my chaos lord lose his last wound to a guardsman carrying the company standard, after making succesful saves againt two powefists (after that it became a running gag that the lord had a psychotic hatered for flags and would attack and desecrate the enemy standard whenever possible), and had the same chaos space marine icon bearer survive ridiculous amounts of shooting in two separate games. In one, it took 100 lasgun shots to kill him, in another he was fired for 3 turns by several heavy weapons and not only survived but won the game by holding the objective. He's also had a Great Unclean One (a huge fat demon with initiative of 2) overrun a fleeing unit of Eldar. In addition his friend often plays an assult-oriented footslogging guard amy, which is practically a Lethal Joke Army. Seeing an Ork palyers reaction when 50 guardsmen charge a mob of boyz and tear it to pieces is priceless.
Reading the fluff for Blood Bowl suggests that it is not a sensible game, but playing it is even more hilarious than one might expect. During a game one of my Skaven Linemen tried to make a very simple Dodge roll to step away from the skrimmage line and away from the enemy models. I needed a 3+ on a d6, and it'd put my model safely out of reach of harm. I rolled a 1 - a critical failure, so he tripped up and fell over. When a model in Blood Bowl falls over your opponent gets to roll against their armour to see if they are hurt. You can probably work out what happened next for yourself. My linemen ended up taking a single step backwards into open space, tripped over a badly placed speck of dust and promptly cracked his skull open like an over ripe melon when he hit the floor. Dead!
Our cabal in a Mage: the Ascension game had cause to go to Scotland, and once there, found themselves having to rescue a kidnapped teenager from a bunch of Scots who we knew were gangsters but who might or might not have been in any way connected to the supernatural. Until we could figure out whether or not it'd be safe to use overt magic in front of them, we decided to send our two Welsh Hermetics to "negotiate," passing themselves off as "representing the Welsh families" - specifically, according to one of them, the Tylwyth Teg. That's right - it's the Welsh faerie Mafia.
Then in the next session, the real Tylwyth Teg took exception to having their name invoked so casually...
I D Md a strange mutant cross between Planescape and Spelljammer once, in which one of my players decided his character was an experienced and jaded planeswalker with a story to tell for every occasion. Once, when the aasimar cleric was complaining about the latest evil demiplane they had run across, the experienced fellow tells them all the story of a time he was on a demiplane run by evil clerics in which undead monkeys were a major trade good.
In one D&D 3.5 epic-level campaign, one of my party-mates crafted a moon-based Kill Sat version of an arbalest, which fired a bolt which was literally a mile long. He only was able to fire it once. He aimed it specifically to kill a Yuan-Ti high-priest. He killed every living thing within the borders of the city he was aiming at, except for the high priest.
This is a minor one, but it was hilarious at the time. I was D Ming a very dark and serious D&D canpaign with no jokes, and the players had just finished a dungeon. They decided to go to a tavern to get a new quest. As they walked in, I couldn't resist making the first joke of the campaign.
DM: You walk into the bar. Ouch.
My players were rolling on the floor.
At one point in a homebrewed superhero game I run with my friends, our heroes were battling a supervillain's giant robot, and a player asked if his hero could attach the mech's head. I declared that the robot's head is not as well-armored as the rest of its body, so the head would have a -2 to its Defense rating. I meant that the Defense rating of the robot's head would be two points less than its body, but the player thought I meant the overall Defense rating of the head was -2. My deadpan response was, "yes, that's right. The robot's head is made of styrofoam." We were laughing for at least five minutes straight.
As something of a filler episode, I had each party member of my D&D group encounter a 'personalized' nightmare. The human barbarian was in a dwarven greathall, surrounded by dead, rotting dwarves with half-drunk tankards of ale. The first thing he did was drink some of the ale (much to the shock of every other player there). The second thing he did was steal the clothes off of the dwarven king and put them on. The third thing he did was steal the clothes off all the other dead dwarves, make a fire, curl down in front of it and fall asleep. Suffice it to say, the zombie king actually had a reason to kill him after such a humiliating affair. The kicker? His character had a wisdom score of 15, and an intelligence score of 14.
My first convention was highlighted by a "Scooby Doo Cthulhu" TOON game, starring the Scooby Doo crew and some other contemporary cartoon guests. I was playing as Fred, and things got exceptionally weird. Some highlights of the game:
It was revealed what was in the back of the Mystery Machine: Scooby and Shaggy's Water Bong, and a miniature kitchen.
Fred ended up going absolutely buggy after running into a few Shoggoth, and at one point was chasing after Daphne with an axe, doing a fairly good (if I do say so myself) impression of Jack Nicholson in the Shining.
Velma's chronic losing of her glasses ended up leaving her as one of only 4 characters to maintain their sanity, as she spent most of the time tripping over said cosmic horrors, unaware of what was going on.
Scoob and Shaggy made it through by being so completely blitzed, they couldn't even comprehend what day it was much less the soul-rending horrors they were seeing, and ended up inviting a Deep One to get completely stoned. A lovecrafting horror with the munchies for Dagwood sandwiches is a hilarious thing to see.
In a segmented evil campaign that I G Med, the main character Lich had absurdly high bluff, and was against a fairly moderate guard. The bluff was a natural 20, and the guard also had IIRC a natural 1 on his sense motive. So I put out a non sequitur: "You bluff him so well, he starts vomiting up blood." The game then continued, and after the evil half dragon monk arrived to the same guard again to bluff as well, and also got a natural 20. The guard did not survive this time.
My father told me about how in one of his D&D campaigns, the team cleric worshiped a fertility goddess. His holy symbol was a dildo. You can just imagine how those sessions went...
Sorry, druid. A halfling druid. Judge me by my size, do you?
Mad Writter: I was playing Erma, a mermaid, in TOON on Myth-Weavers, and end up failing a Tail of Many Thing joke. The animator (the GM) pull out bongo drums. I failed my own "Stop Laughing" check.
Mad Writter: It happen again, this time the animator brouhgt a computer with the blue screen of death. Same result.
One-shot campaign. Two players (including me) and my best friend as GM. Our characters are going to be put to sleep for a few years while they power-up. I tell GM that I don't want to play the same character. When we're finally awoken, the other player notices:
Player: Hey, that gay guy isn't here. GM PC: Yes, he died a year after you were put to sleep. Player: So (Beat) he had AIDS?
Space 1889. Two of the players in my session are, respectively, a libertine Frenchwoman scientist and an aggressively macho chauvanistic British hunter with a drinking problem not a problem at all. They trade insults throughout the game, but it seems to reach a peak when the scientist remarked:
Frenchwoman scientist: You are, in some ways, not exactly a gentleman.
British hunter: Madam. Over the last few days I have impugned your gender, your nationality, your profession, your mental faculties, your hygiene, your loyalty and your decency, but I have never once impugned your honor as a lady. Ergo, I demand that you retract that insult and replace it with one about my nationality forthwith!
We managed to return to play after three minutes or so of laughter.
The people involved in a one-shot of Monsters and Other Childish Things (basically Calvin and Hobbes if Hobbes was an Eldritch Abomination) I was also involved in have now decided that 6-year-old science is much better than all other forms of science, including Science! This is due to one character's Many Worlds Theory. To paraphrase: "There are three kinds of people: kids, adults and old people. So there must be three different universes - you're a kid in one of them, an adult in another one, and an old person in the third." Said character then proceeded to atempt to find her "old person" counterpart.
I am currently D Ming a campaign where the 3 players are learning to play D&D for their first time, as such, many situations where the skill to be used is obvious, is lost to them. This resulted in a situation where instead of using the jump skill to clear a pit, they pushed the paladin and made him try to grasp both ends of the pit, and used him as a bridge. Even though I keep telling them to jump, they always try to push the paladin, with mixed results...
I played in a campaign with an idiot fighter (player, not just character) and a kleptomaniac rogue. After we finished killing several rat swarms, the rogue decides he wants to take some rats with us, "just in case." Not wanting to carry the corpses himself, he bluffs the fighter into stuffing as many dead rats into his armor as he can. The DM awarded him a +1 to his armor.
I and some friends had some fun thinking up descriptions for perfectly normal D&D classes that could be interpreted in several ways.
Rogues do it from behind
Druids do it while shapeshifted
Barbarians do it while screaming very loudly
Cavaliers do it on horseback.
Marshals like to be in command.
Assassins do it after studying you for 3 rounds.
Diviners like to watch.
Enchanters can force you to do it.
Samurai do it for their family's honor.
Clerics do it by praying.
I recently finished playing a D20 Star Wars game, set between the end of Ep III and the beginning of Ep IV, based off of a pre-published module but with...revisions. Said revisions ending up being more and more blatant as we(a 15yr old Jedi padawan traveling with clone trooper, meeting up with Togrutan spacer that ends up learning about the Force) moved on, including *redeeming Darth Vader*. Eventually we brought back all the remaining Jedi for a big climactic showdown at the Death Star, standard fly in and blow up the powercore type stuff. Only during the escape, Obi-Wan's fighter didn't quite make it out of the explosion's range. DM's response? In a perfect imitation of Sir Alec, "Negate Energy."(Force power that lets you negate energy or kinetic energy damage). He then rolls a 20. Cue the latest household meme for dealing with anything.
My Shadowrun 4th Ed. group has one particular Butt Monkey. In almost every run, he has been blown up in some spectacular fashion. First I blew his legs off with a grenade (He had tried to betray us and lured me into a room full of zombies). The next run he loitered around on the roof of a building, even though our driver/hacker had warned us of incoming air support. He was then promptly blown to pieces by an attack helicopter. Another run had him blowing himself up to sabotage an Ares megacorp facility. Finally, one time he rushed through a booby-trapped door. Cue five grenades landing at his feet, to spectacular and messy effect. We've petitioned that all his characters have the trait, Allergy - Explosions.
Another unrelated incident was when we had pulled alongside the train we were trying to hijack in order to steal its cargo. Our infiltration specialist decided it would be a good idea to hop onto the roof of the car, and then onto the train, despite the fact that the train guards were shooting at us. My street samurai turned around from manning the machine gun just to scream at him, "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING???" Unsprisingly, he got hit multiple times and ended up barely hanging onto the side of the car. The weapons specialist (and infiltrator's brother) suggested that I stomp on his fingers just to save us from his antics
On our very first run, the infiltration specialist from the above entry rolled Intuition on a door. The DM said, in a deadpan voice, "It's a door." He would not add to the description despite protests from the player. That phrase has become our stock response whenever someone rolls Intuition on something.
During a campaign I was in, one player's character had terrible luck. The DM had custom critical hit tables, and these (legitimately - the actual rolls demonstrated that it wasn't just the DM being evil) caused the character to lose three fingers, half an ear, one eye, a toe, and one testicle. All on his left side. The same character also had abysmal wisdom, and was played as such - he finally met his end when he decided to rain down rubble on some monsters by firing an explosive arrow at the ceiling of a cavern, directly above himself. He was counting on his reflex save to get clear, but rolled a 1.
I was playing In Nomine online with some people once when hilarity ensued, for background the PCs involved were a Cherub of War known as Bertha, a Bright Lilim of Music (Israfel is an Archangel in this campaign world, known as Kaydence and another Bright Lilim, of War, known as Susan, they had found an amnesic demon, and brought said demon back to the apartment of another PC (or actually of the guy who's body said PC was borrowing, as said PC is a Kyriotate ((Kyrios are angels that can possess people, animals, and sometimes other things) anyway, said demon ended up on the couch, naked, except for a towel, Kay phoned Susan (who was elsewhere, with another PC) and the following ensued
Kay: (Texts back) "I'm in a room with a naked guy and Bertha and I have clothes on"
GM: "Is that a cry for help or bragging?"
Susan: "No, no, Sister, I'm not going to nevermind that a naked demon is in the room with you!"
Kay: "I'm fine! Bertha is with me"
Susan: "What is Bertha doing with the naked demon??"
GM: "Oh, such a straight line ..."
"The SWAT officer leans over your unconscious body and takes out a medkit. (rolls Treat Injury, gets a 1) He starts to shove the medkit down your throat."
The SWAT officer tries to treat your severe wounds. (rolls another 1) He attempts to administer the medkit rectally."
"The SWAT team is trying to treat Mr. Wade, and revive him. (rolls another 1) They attempt to revive him by beating him over the head with the buttstocks of their shotguns."
One of the PCs in my first game of 3.5 DnD had rolled a cleric that was a pacifist in the worst way, Often times he would attempt to reason with the various monsters that we encountered with predictable results. During one game we were making our way through a dungeon in search of a mystic artifact, and Our party became aware that A Very large spider was in the next room without attracting it's attention. Knowing just what the Cleric was about to do, I, who had rolled a Paladin, decided to take preemptive action.
Me: I Clap my hand over the Cleric's mouth and whisper, "Oh no you don't."
rolls a natural 20 for the grapple check
Cleric: *Stands up, raises one arm outstretched and claps his other hand over his mouth* "mmMMMMMmh!"
Our entire party bursts out laughing.
I recently joined a campaign that after only one session has had several Crowning Moments of funny.
Our party's bard has recently come into possession of a brothel from which most of the girls have been stolen. In fact all but one were. So, being the Heroic men we are we went to get them back. While my assassin scouts inside to try and find the owner and talk/beat him into handing over his entire brothel, our Cleric and Bard draft up a document to try and do it legally, while including a clause that states that by reading the document we may now kill them if they refuse... ... This does not go well. As we are kicked out at sword point, our Cleric decides to make a speech to the good people of the brothel. Instead of using a soapbox he stands on OUR PALADIN'S BACK. Once the speech is delivered we leave.
It gets better. Now, since we have to get the assistance of the local thieves guild to get to the owner of the opposing brothel, I have to steal enough to get their attention. As I go to rob some Nobles, the Sorcerer and Bard go to a bar, stuff all their things in their bag of holding, and claim I rob them. After getting drunk doing so and rolling some FANTASTIC bluff checks, our Bard decides, in his stupor, and in a fantastic bit of roleplay, to make a flute out of the empty bottle. This is the resulting conversation.
Bard: My... My hands... My hands'r bleeding.
Sorcerer: They... ARE... man. Now where's our stuff.
Bard: Our STUFF?
Sorcerer: The stuff we hid when we pretended we got robbed...
Bard: Dude, we got ROBBED?
Sorcerer: Oh god we DID? Dude! Dude your hands... Your hands are bleeding.
Bard: Oh god my hands are bleeding! Our stuff... I think... I think we left it outside.
Sorcerer: Dude... Outside... Is a big place. We should, like, split up and search for it.
Bard: Yeah... Dude, my hands... I think my hands are bleeding?
Sorcerer: DUDE YOUR HANDS ARE BLEEDING!
DM: (Rolls the die, points at the bard) You, moodswing.
Bard: (tears up) My... My hands'r bleedin', and I can't find our stuff, an' we got robbed, an' an' an' YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND. I LOVE THIS GUY
At about this point I walk up.
Me: What's going on, why are you bleeding?
Sorcerer: Dude, your HANDS... Are BLEEDING.
Bard: Well there was a bottle... an' like a flute, an' my hands are bleeding. An' now I feel funny. An' I dunno where our stuff is.
Me: (rolls a spot check) 27
DM: The bag is still on his belt.
Me: It's right there.
Sorcerer: I KNEW we didn't get robbed!
We do not stop laughing for five minutes.
Can't help but post this particular session played by one Angry Joe and Lord Kat with Spoony as the DM. Fighting like men indeed:
There were five people in the party in a large circular room with five doors. They all agreed to each take a door. The first one blasted the PC with a column of fire and, after failing a roll to keep his eyebrows, began trying to stop, drop, and roll. The second door unleashed a screaming banshee on the player. The third door was full of gremlins that bit at the player's ankles. The fourth door was full of spiders that ate the player, then went back in and closed the door behind them. The fifth door, opened by the group thief, was full of treasure. So while one player was on fire and the other three were being mercilessly beaten (one of them killed), the thief was rolling around in the piles of gold. When asked what was in his room, he responded "Oh, just a lizardman." Then they noticed the jangling in his pockets...
My group is currently playing GURPS set in Warhammer 40,000, which we decided to use after our GM decided he didn't like the Dark Heresy system. Despite the inherent GRIMDARKNESS of the setting, it's shaping up to be more Space Opera and there are a few silly things going on:
For some reason, the Commissar has a habit of walking up to people and asking, "So, how's life?" So far, she has asked this of (in no particular order) the captain of a starship, a Space Marine Librarian, and an Inquisitortwo Inquisitors.
My character has gained the out-of-gameplay nickname "Inquisitor Chibi" from me and my best friend.
The other players are both unfamiliar with the 40k-verse and end up making amusing fumbles. For one of them, it sometimes works within the story, since he's an Eldar forced to tag along with a Radical Inquisitor. The rest of the time, and for the other character - the aforementioned Commissar - it leads to some amusing outtakes.
The aforementioned Commissar also has cripplingly low self-esteem. It reminds me of Ciaphas Cain (HERO OF THEIMPERIUM!!!!), and it makes for a funny joke with the psyker: when everything's normal, the psyker's messed up, but when stuff goes bad, the Commissar hides behind her.
This is the GM speaking, who wants to note that all of the funny bits are out-of-character jokes. The game itself is a lot more of a Tear Jerker full of Nightmare Fuel, except for the Deadpan Snarker Kroot Shaper and the occasional heartwarming moment.
And I do feel the need to point out that my stated objective in this game is to give the players as much Paranoia Fuel as I possibly can before resolving anything. Then again, the argument we had over whether the NPC acolyte was Alpharius or not was quite entertaining...
Player speaking again... actually, the Commissar's "so, how's life?" happened in-game and was not cut (that I know of), so that one's not an Out of Character joke. The others are. But yes, the "is this guy Alpharius" discussion was rather funny.
Cegorach: Oh, get up! I'm sick of all this formality with you mortals kneeling and bowing.
In a continuation of the same game, an Imperial Navy pilot got into a consultation with an Inquisitor and a Deathwatch Librarian. After a short, awkward conversation on the subject of daemons, he thanked the Inquisitor and exited the room hastily. The Deathwatch Librarian looked over at the Inquisitor and said "He seemed nice."
From there, the discussion rapidly derailed into "funny ways to use this character." The best was probably the one regarding shellycobs.
"Giant sea snails. Mutated by nuclear waste. And they, like, crawled up the river from the Gulf of Mexico. And then out of the river, across town, and into this basement." "...I have no words." "You don't need any! My explanation was so awesome there is no response." "And the man who just tore a gaping hole in the fabric of reality to let them in?" "Mirrors." "That doesn't even make any-" "MIRRORS."
The let's play of Dungeons and Dragons currently ongoing at Someawful has a selection of goons (Including Medibot and General Ironicus) going through some amazingly awesome and funny situations.
The party warlord, Joey trying to compliment Miriam on her cooking, but critically fails and flips the table over in rage.
My current D&D group has had some great funny moments. For example, in our very first session, the paladin (his player has since left the group, but this character was, shall we say, less than laden with genius) decided to try literally disarming a trap with his sword. Okay, here's the situation (parents went away on a week's vacation): The adventurers come to a room with some ornate suits of armor. There's dry blood on the walls that's clearly been there a long time. One of the suits of armor is holding a set of scales. On one balance sits the key they need to open a door. The other side holds five very valuable diamonds. This is obviously a trap. I'm not being subtle about it. Four of the five heroes are rightfully really leery about this situation. They hang back in the corridor while they discuss how to approach this. The paladin waltzes in and looks around. The fighter reluctantly follows him in case any bad stuff goes down. Here's where the ENTIRE PARTY lost their freakin' minds. They decide that the wizard is going to use a spell (from the corridor, mind you; he's not going in there) to carefully prevent the scales from tipping while the paladin CUTS OFF THE ARM HOLDING THEM. They do this. Now, the trap was as follows: If they unbalanced the scales, the door would slam shut, and the suits of armor would activate. They were basically mechanical transformers (the wizard checked the room for magic. I, rather gleefully and completely truthfully, told him that there was nothing magical in the room whatsoever, since mechanisms aren't magic), and a fight would ensue. If they'd successfully made a skill check or two to, say, remove both the key and the diamonds simultaneously, or carefully replace them with gravel from the floor, they could have avoided a fight entirely and just made off with the key and the diamonds. Instead, the door ended up shutting the paladin and the fighter in the room alone with five deathbots. Oh, sure, I let the others blow a hole in the door and help (one of them can teleport if he has line of sight, and the wizard and the sorcerer can cast spells if they have line of sight), but this didn't happen until the automatons had nearly killed the paladin and started in on the fighter. The moment the paladin cut off that suit of armor's arm and the door slammed shut on them, there was much laughter. Much moreso from myself and those whose characters were not, you know, locked in a room with killer robots, outnumbered and separated from their teammates.
And from our fourth session: The sorcerer had been instructed by Death himself to take a blue stone to a rich man who would know what to do with it. The house was plastered with powerful magicks to prevent him from teleporting in or anything like that. So he went into town, purchased a cooked turkey, and brought it to the door, pretending to be a singing telegram. The butler didn't fall for this and shut the door on him, so he decided to sneak around the back, climb up a gutterpipe, and climb in through a window on the second floor. When he reached the second floor, he opened the window just as he noticed that the butler was standing there. The butler shoved him to the ground, where he landed in a shrubbery. On his turkey.
In a convention game of Mutants and Masterminds, I took on the role of Daedalus - the mythical one - who, in the Freedom City setting, is an immortal expy of Tony Stark. We'd beaten down the (female) bad guy, and were preparing to question her.
(Daedalus) "Now you can talk to us, or I can let my teammates go back to hitting you." (Villainess) "That wouldn't be very chivalrous!" (Daedalus) "I pre-date chivalry." The whole group busted up.
In my D&D campaign, there have been two that really stood out.
When one of the players jumped of a 100 foot-tall tower to face a Death Titan. This encounter also led to two Crowning Moments Of Awesome. The first was the party's cleric rapelling down the tower and saving the aformentioned player's life. Also was that a group of three players with level 7(averaged out) characters managed to defeat the same monster that killed their previous fighter about six levels ago.
The other was when a new player with an evil character tried to push the other three characters off a (different) tower into an advancing enemy army. This backfired when all three characters managed to not only avoid being pushed off, but instead threw him off the tower. He even tried this multiple times with the same characters and even an NPC, all with the same result. This resulted in him being thrown off the building approximately eight times, nearly killing him. What made this event stand out was that after the battle (which the PCs won), he tried this for one last time on one of the PCs with the exact same result. In the end, his character was punished not only for this, but for trying to run away from the battle the fourth time he was thrown over.
A near-legendary story at my local Warhammer 40k store; a Necron player versus a Dark Eldar player. Bad stuff happens to a Raider, and there is now a single Kabalite Warrior sitting nearly six inches in front of 1500 points' worth of Necrons, including a Monolith. Cue 1500 points' worth Necron firing at the model, and missing, one right after another. Cue Dark Eldar player's next turn, with the rest of his troops unscathed, the Necron player having expended it all against that one lonely evil space elf. Cue Dark Eldar player's turn. It charges. For a turn or two, in fluff terms, there is an unstoppable drugged-out psycho space elf running around in the middle of the Necron horde wrecking shit until the Monolith finally puts the poor bastard out of his misery.
I was in a group playing a prepackaged story for the Dresden Files RPG. In the third act, the group winds up raiding the lair of a psychotic sorcerer and his ghoul minions. To make a long story short, the GM somehow managed to say "waffle" instead of "ghoul," and due to the favor of the Random Number God, it is now accepted that IHOP is my werewolf character's favorite restaurant.
We were running a Shadowrun game where the PCs were trying to get information on a business where they were supposed to be doing Employee Relocation (kidnapping an employee to bring her to work for another corporation). So, instead of looking it up on the Matrix, they decided to call the front desk. The guy playing the caller was a heavy smoker, and while he was roleplaying being on the phone, he erupted into a heavy coughing fit and just sat there coughing for like thirty seconds. Finally, he reached forward and pantomimed hanging up the phone. We couldn't stop laughing for the better part of half an hour.
I was running a game of WFRP 2e, and the party were running around the ruins below Karak Azgal. They'd managed to find a respectable haul of minor enchanted runic items (including a cosh with the permanent Master Rune of Flight), but as the party didn't include any dwarves, they couldn't leave the legal way without having it all sto- confiscated by the heavily armed guards. So they came up with a plan to leave it hidden down in the ruins and pay the bribe to use the smuggler's route down from the Karak and retrieve it later. But obviously, if they just left it down here in the open anyone could steal it, so they found a relatively intact stone chest, and the Journeyman Wizard cast Lock on it. A nice, simple 2-dice minor spell, and promptly rolled double 9s, enough to cast the spell, but it'd also cause a manifestation of Tzeentch's Curse. But the doubles table for that isn't too bad- creepy and annoying, but not lethal, aside from the result near the end "Roll again on the next table up". And I was using the fan-made "expanded" TC tables, which extend the existing scale (Minor, Major, etc.) up to "Apocalyptic". A series of ridiculously unlucky rolls from the wizard's player resulted in the most serious result: "Your spell opens up a warp rift that devours the Old World. The campaign ends. All Players, and the GM, must make a solemn vow not to play WFRP for a year and a day."
The latest game of Dungeons and Dragons I played resulted in this hilarious conversation: The DM: "The princess wakes up without a single memory, not even of who she is." Me(The Paladin): "I roll with Knowledge: Nobility to re-educate her." *Dice rolling* The DM: "She believes you." A minute later... The Wizard: "So, in spite of you completly blundering at every oppertunity, completly failing every important roll, killing an innocent guard and almost killing me, and attempting to kill the princess, along with a vairety of others things that would cuase you to lose paladinhood...I sacrifice myself, and you get all of the credit, and everyone else is forgotten." (He stabbed a guy who had a twin of the magic evil dagger he was holding, causing them both to disentagrate)
From that same game: fan shield. I tied a fan (from a earlier obstacle) to my shield using rope. Upon testing it, not only did I miss the wall I was throwing it at, but it also managed to go thirty feet upwards and hit the prior mentioned wizard in the back, dealing a third of his life points in damage and completly breaking it.
Also, I attempted to kill a demon-posessed princess (the prior mentioned one) by summoning my horse right above her. I sadly missed. (I did screw up every single important roll but the end and one badass critical return by the fan shield though, so it was to be expected.)
It was my first game of playing Hunter: The Vigil with the friends who got me into roleplaying and the N Wo D in general. Naturally we ended up with several jokes in just a few short sessions:
First was the Sniper Rifle subplot. Our storyteller had our spirit possessed university take control of a student to cause mayhem, via a Sniper Rifle he somehow obtained. One worth about 7-10,000 dollars. We were short on resources, and my guy having a long standing obsession with obtaining a revolver. We quickly restrained the student and got the Rifle, ignoring the main plot in favor of keeping the rifle out of the hands of campus security believably and finding a buyer for it. In the end we sold it to a Network Zero user who lived close by known as Butterfly44. When met he was dressed in a trench coat and fedora covering all his features, a master of the Stealth Hi/Bye. He himself extended into a memetic baddass with such quotes as: "Sniped a vampire prince, shit was so cash." "You fought an Chinese Wendigo? I fought all of China." And so on and so forth.
Thomas, the Butt Monkey. We started by seeing he was turned into a wendigo like creature, flying leap kicking him in the head, tying him in our dorm and leaving him to watch a 24 hour marathon of Charles in Charge (which extended to it's own meme of being the only thing on our dorm's tv), I stole his girlfriend, we have been keeping him blackmailed...each session is a new exercise in ruining his life.
And the most broken skill ever to exist: Karate For Kids. We had a member who had all three dots in it, which iirc gave amongst other things the benefit of turning one point of damage lethal or something. The aforementioned Flying Leap Kick was from this merit. The merit/fighting style got used often enough that every single fight involved the show of how broken a Loyalist of Thule nerd who knows it can be. He somehow shifted the rules a bit to use it to chop a guys head clean off.
During a rather even and tense battle between my Orks and a friends Chaos Space Marines, things came to a head when my friends Chaos Lord and Terminator bodyguard charged my Warboss and his Nob bodyguard. Now my friend had given his Lord the Mark of Khorne, allowing him to use the daemon blade Bloodfeeder, which is rather deadly for letting you use 2D6 attacks in close combat, unless you roll a 1 which wounds the Lord instead and prevents you attacking. In the ensuing melee, my friend somehow managed to roll three 1's and kill his Lord outright without me even laying a hand on it. This Lord has to suffer the horror of watching, powerless; while his Terminators slowly getting beaten down by a green tide of death while his sword suddenly decides it hates him. We both joked that the blade was probably dropped by Tzeentch instead, just as planned. The near simultaneous destruction of the Lord and Terminators, along with a squad of Khrone Berserkers who had tried to help, only for a Deff Dred and squad of Boyz to also join the party; pretty much turned the battle in my favour.
Our D&D group, formed out of a group that came for 4e modules and has managed to utterly derail them all and turn it into a small campaign. Started simply enough with a mercenary group and a lawful good dragonborn which quickly became unaligned. It more or less started to annoy the "Stop Having Fun" Guys guy. He always wanted combat, but our group got the idea they could walk away with the cart and horse they had taken off of a merchant. We got the cart, turned out the horse was a magic one that didn't like us. My druid character became the cart puller using boar form. The module next, the healer gets in his head we're going to get a horse for the cart. We successfully steal a horse (on a nature check) for it and we end up not using it because we ended up in an island hopping module. In which we suddenly and inexplicably became pirates. Cue our group rampaging through towns and any enemy (my druid eating everything meaty he could get his hands on). At the end of this module, our goblin tank becomes awesome by picking up a bar maid and having a bar fight of epic failure via the Eladrin spell caster failing his rolls and kneeing himself in the face and falling on his butt. The dragonborn tried to punch said goblin and went through the floor. Eladrin failed his roll to find a brothel and ended up in a gay bar. Druid failed same roll, ended up like Mr. Gibbs, but in boar form. The healer then gets it into his head that the group is going to have a hippo dammit and since he wasn't actually in charge, our goblin captain agreed to it as long as it was chromed out.
The next module nearly broke the group as it was a continuation of the last (four part Sea Drake). Ranking now went by hats, and the goblin still had the largest and the healer wanted to lead. DM decides a werewolf has on a huge hat. Dragonborn and healer rush out, leaving the spellcasters and the goblin to fend for themselves. Low rolls for the party all around, and after the healer and the dragonborn tank finally nearly kill the werewolf, the goblin swoops in and takes it out and gets the hat.
Next module we have a minor fight and then we end up on the Hippo Lagoon. Group splits and runs off into a dark jungle. My druid is off wandering around in boar form while the group manages to utterly drop the ball. The healer is stuck in quicksand and two dire bears are facing him. Blindly rushing in, the group fails to surprise attack the bears and nearly gets annihilated in the process. They win, but not without all being bloodied quite badly. The bear spirit guardian rewards the goblin with a necklace to control the alpha hippo (due to the biggest hat) and the group finally reaches it's goal. Then the dragonborn turned on them and got killed by the alpha hippo. My druid finally finds the lagoon too late to help the dragonborn (He promised the druid hippo meat) and they successfully knock me out so I don't try to eat the hippo's. Next module we are now known as the Hippo Pirates and now have a blinged out holy hippo. The group has been retired in favor of a homebrew focusing on RPing.
One of the most hilarious in an Anima: Beyond Fantasy campaign that has been running for four years, when one of the players had a mental spell put in his mind by one of the enemies -a mentalist- that allowed him to know where he was. Our mentalist knows he has this, but it's unable to remove the spell (I think he needed to wait an hour before attempting to try it again). The solution?. Knock the affected one inconscious and when he awakes knock him again so he's back to darkness. That during one hour.
That campaign also had as one of the PCs a sorcerer who was a noblewoman (a Duchess, no less). The trouble with her is that not only she was a kind of absent-minded professor due to a low score on Advert as well as being wise and well-educated due to her background, but also she had no points on Disguise. Both were fixed as the campaign advanced, but the result was a lady that, despite being dressed with used and dirt travelling clothes thinking nobody would notice she was from the (very) high class, acted with the demeanors of a noblewoman, being her oblivious to that.
Other in an also long-lasting Dungeons & Dragons campaign that basically was Hack&Slash until the GM came with a good history. We find a Damselin Distress and when we go to rescue her, it turns out to be a succubus. We pass that encounter and we found the same thing -succubus disguised as a Distressed Damsel- two more times, sometimes ending quite bad (so thank those restoration spells). The third time we see a damsel in trouble and we kill her thinking she actually was a succubus. Well, that time she was not that thing.
Campaign of Warcraft, also a long-lasting one (five years -including GM's stops to rest of it- and counting). My PC was a tauren druid and on a side quest on a city while waiting for the next zeppelin we had to work as debt collectors. The plan was to have the druid shape shifting into a storm raven and while in that form a geas spell on the defaulter, so he'll pay all his debts. It worked fine, but just imagine an orc negotiating a bussiness agreement with the guy who does not pay what he debts while a raven is screeching and moving on its cage during the hour needed to cast the spell. Now, imagine the look on the face of the defaulter as the raven shape-shifts into a 3-meter tall tauren that casts on him a geas ordering the slow-payer to pay all his debts... and since he falled the saving throw he has to pay.
Last game of a Slayers campaign using a homebrew system. The fate of the Universe rests in one PC who controls a wizard and must cast the most powerful spell of the setting (can't remember what is) to save the Universe. Everything goes fine, especially the player's intepretation knowing him a lot about the franchise. He rolls the dice... and fumbles. Slayer's universe gets destroyed, but the best was the scream of the player (not the PC) as we were playing on a coffee shop.
The very best one, however, must be this: game of Lordofthe Rings using the Rolemaster system. Players are two female wood elves, one a thief and the other a wizard, and a rohirrim rider. The trio is on an inn and he's able to inebriate both elves (can't remember exact details) until the point both fall victim to the beer. He helps them to go to bed, and once there the rohirrim strips the elves of his clothes to sell them, and leaves but not before putting them together and embraced one to each other in the bed. When they awake with a headache, they scream as they see how they're. Both cast an invisibility spell and start a search for their clothing. The wizard finds the -fat and ugly- waitress of the inn is carrying her dress. She fails a check, falls to the ground, and the spell is lost appearing a nude elf there. She ignores all the gazes and casts a spell on the waitress ordering her to return her clothing. She does so and the elven wizard leaves with the affected woman serving food and drinks naked, still under the effects of the spell. The other elf finds how a girl that's leaving on a cart has her ropes. She goes there and after several critical rolls, the poor girl is stripped of the clothing in the air, seeing how her dress leaves seeming to float on the air. The game ended with both elves searching for the rohirrim to avenge that.
Due to a running... um, "theme" in our games, and our GM's odd imagination, this happens at the weirdest times. Gems include such times we got sucked into the World of Death, a mostly empty world with the vessel of the setting's god of Death floating around inside. We're fighting on the ships deck, against a cadre of necroclerics, when an undead black dragon notices us and joins the fight. When the aforementioned necroclerics are dead, the dragon lands to keep us from running below-deck. The fighter, feeling good with himself, downed one of the strength potions I gave him and decided he wanted to make a charge at the now-within-reach rotting lizard. Dispite the odds, he dodges the attack of opporitunity and slams the dragon in the chest, makes the attack roll, finishing off the dragon with one attack. Just then, the GM says, "make a tumble check". The fighter's eyes shoot open as he realizes what the GM's going to do, and rolls... a six. Far short of what he needed to keep the dragon's corpse from pulling him off the side of the ship. The fighter, mind scrambling for a way to not die, claims that he's going to pump the dead dragon's wings in a mad gambit for survival. The GM puts the strength test at 30, mostly as a joke, since unless he rolls a twenty their's no way he can reach a roll that high. The fighter rolls... a 19. After adding all of his modifiers, he only reached a 28. Until. I reminded them about the strength potion he drank just a round ago. That brought his roll to 30. So this big, burley, human fighter is desperately pumping the wings of a dead dragon, and actually ascending back up to the deck of the ship. He jumps off at just the last second, making it back on deck, and alive no less.
The game is D&D 3.5, the setting fairly standard. The monk has a magic staff, but doesn't know what it does. She and the ranger meet a caravan heading the same direction as the party, an obvious helping hand from the DM. The monk stops the caravan by standing in the road and pounding her staff on the ground, inadvertently causing a large amount of plants to spring up in the way. The caravan leader asks her to clear the brush aside-she attempts to do so by repeatedly pounding the staff on the ground, until there's a now a small forest obstructing the road. The ranger takes this opportunity to sneak to the back of the lead wagon, only to be captured by the caravan guards. When they drag out the tied-up ranger, the monk attempts to snatch her from them, which, as you might guess, fails. She then runs to the safety of the newly grown bushes, and tries to intimidate the caravan, only to roll a one on the check. She begins to scream a threat, but promptly swallows a bug, and spends the next few minutes coughing and gagging. Even once the rest of the party arrived to sort this mess out, the caravan refused to help us unless the monk and the ranger stayed tied up until we reached our destination. She spent the entirity of the trip singing about oppression. According to the DM, she singlehandedly disrupted trade and destablished the region's economy for years to come.
A new player joins the campaign with his character, a half-elf druid, stowing away on the ship the party chartered. His character is discovered in the cargo hold, and begins fleeing into the upper decks. The crew's shouts alert Rigby, a ridiculously strong gnoll fighter who fights purely with unarmed strikes and grapples (his life motto: "Swords are for pussies!"). The gnoll leaves his quarters and stands directly in the path of the approaching druid, reading a nonlethal strike if he tries to get past. The druid tries to overrun, and promptly takes a crit hard enough to send him flying backwards and leave him a single hitpoint away from being knocked out completely. Near the tail end of the following conversation, this little moment came up.
Captain: Well, if it's as important as you claim it is, you ought to have paid for your place like all the other passengers. Number Two, collect the stowaway...if it pleases Mr. Rigby.
Druid: No, my mission-I have to get the staff!
Rigby: Staff? <shakes the druid> What staff?
Druid: The staff of my order. It's an ornately carved oak staff, has red berries carved into the end. I need it to restore life to the forest around our grove!
Rigby: <slowly turns towards where the monk was standing moments ago, idly twirling the exact same staff>
Monk: <runs back to her quarters, jumps on the bed, and pulls the covers over her head>
At one LARP at convention. Long story short, we were all playing as Superpowered people. Basically the strongest character who was more or less evil just killed someone and the assasin guy walks up to him with a smile and a happy tone of voice "I think what you did was really good for all of us" and he placed his hand on his shoulder. While alone it wouldn't be funny enough, in that same tone without any pause he said out-of-character to everyone and GM. "I shoot him in the head". Cue everyone laughing when it worked. HE STILL HAD HIS SMILE WHEN HE SAID THAT!
In high school, we ran a Legend of Zelda-themed game of D&D, which swiftly transformed into a full-on crack campaign. Highlights include:
Minish cleric of Din: *while facing a Stalfos* I use turn undead! Power of Din, smite you! (rolls a 1). I call upon the power of Nayru to vanquish you! (rolls a 1). Farore lend me strength! (Rolls a 1). VAATI!!!! (Rolls a 20)
Wizrobe sorcerer: I use burning hands! (rolls a 1) DM: You miss horribly and etch naughty graffiti on the walls of the Gerudo fortress.
Sheikah rogue: I want to try to pick the lock. DM: You can't. You have to find a key. Sheikah rogue: I'm going to try anyway! *sets off a booby trap*
Wizrobe sorcerer: I jump down the staircase into the Earth Temple, and as my robes fly up, you see a series of progressively smaller Wizrobes. We descend. It is glorious.
*After a party member heroically sacrifices himself to save us from ReDeads, leading to a series of explosions like a fireworks show* Sheikah rogue: I'm Chaotic Good now.
We also ran a FFX campaign, including the 30 second cutscene (one breath, no punctuation, no spacing), the Christmas Episode (Odin was wearing a Santa hat, and the boss room was decorated with Christmas lights), and the revelation that the Guado black mage's hair had in fact grown into the exact shape of his hat.
One Dungeons & Dragons campaign taught me why anyone with the Alcoholic flaw has to die. During one dungeon, we had to sneak past a sleeping black dragon when this happened:
DM: You've barely snuck past the dragon without waking it. Now-
I was playing a game of D&D 4E with my brother (a newbie), a freshman, his older cousin, and my best friend as DM. Really, the whole session counted as a Funny Moment. The funniest one in our opinion was when my brother tried to break himself out of jail (a long story involving burning down an entire shantytown in one shot). He gathered a bunch of things from the other inmates, which included stuff like some soap, a broken knife blade, a crossbow bolt and some string. He picks the lock on his cell and sneaks up behind the two guards, intending to stab them in the necks with the knife blade and crossbow bolt. He rolls and succeeds... on one of them. The other draws his sword and goes after him. My brother tries running back into the cellblock, but the guard throws his broadsword and sinks it into his chest. My brother then pulls the sword out of his chest, equips it, and hides behind the overturned table in the guardroom. On his next turn, he tries to jump over the table and attack, but fails another roll, trips on the table and falls on his own sword. At this point, he passes out from all the damage he'd taken.
This troper's worst moment in Warhammer 40K was a simple match between my Orkz and a good friend's Imperial Guard. I had recently built a shiny new Battlewagon, a giant tank to answer the IG's vehicles. I am a abysmal tank commander at best, so I tend to commit acts of wanton stupidity behind the wheel. The Battlewagon had spent most of the match driving towards the squishy humans on the other end of the board, and had turned slightly to shield itself against Leman Russ barrages. I did not notice the Sentinel walker strolling up to the Battlewagon's rear. My friend decided to reward my negligence, and went for a stomp with the Sentinel. He rolled high and I low, so the Battlewagon got kicked in the posterior and blows up instantly without shooting a single shot. The life of a Ork player is defined by moments like this.
In a Pathfinder game, the party had to try and sneak into a Royal Ball in order to speak with a princess. The flind and the gnome decided they'd disguise themselves as members of the nobility-the flind wore a fake beard and top hat, the gnome wore a human-sized dress, and was carried by the flind so as to appear tall. Watching the pair of them get great scores on Disguise and a nat. 20 on their attempt to tango was hilarious.
A game of Gamma World led to the remark that we didn't need to be too worried about the enemy base because we had Napoleon, The Blob, and half the X-Men. That was pretty much an accurate description of our three-man party. Later, the sentient bipedal squirrel used magnetic control on the base, which had lots of ancient tech, including a large number of small metal rods with circles on the end. A few moments later a building exploded and we realized a) they had lots of grenades, b) the pins were ferromagnetic, and c) the grenades were decidedly not ferromagnetic.
In D&D 3.5 evil campaign that I was running, I allowed homebrew (as long as players cleared it first,) SRD, 3rd Party (again, cleared first,) and some pathfinder. In an attempt to min/max her character, one of my players took the flaw "Cute thing lover," from dandwiki. I allowed this, given that it was easy enough to work in. When the last player arrives, the min/maxer is shocked to find that he rolled an Animorph. Over the course of the night, he transformed into a beagle and a cat multiple times, and she almost NEVER made her saving throw. The animorph spent almost the entire time in the min/maxer's arms. She finally started to make her saving throws when the battle with a Celestial Dog came up.
In an earlier campaign, that got even sillier because of the players, one of the players came across a cursed item that I had made specifically for this game. The effect was that any item put on after the curse happened gained the enchantment "X of masculinity/femininity." Since I was tracking sanity, the player lost a large chunk of sanity the first time it happened, and a small chunk anytime after, and witnesses who were not aware of the item's effect took MASSIVE sanity damage. Eventually led to the player getting naked to prove his identity to a town guard, who took enough sanity damage to lose function.
Our GM on Legend of the Five Rings likes to throw in joke sessions unexpectedly in between more serious affairs. In this particular one, our group investigated a dimensional rift - at first, it seemed like the usual portal to, well, Hell. Then we fought a bizarre, partially metal troll. And a robotic crocodile. And then some really powerful samurai droids. Then we reached the centre and we were greeted with this
No matter how our GM tries to be serious, we always end in doing something really silly that makes him stare at us for a minute just to say "What".
Two elves (PC) try to 'persuade' us (another group of PC's) into letting them to ride with us in our wagon, cart, whatever it was. My Dwarf shows them what he thinks about asking people to do something while pointing a deadly sharp arrow at them. And ends with said arrow stuck in his butt. I fail some rolls and end up sitting on our mage's face. She was by the time sleeping, and suddenly wakes up unable to breath, smelling blood, and not seeing anything. She tries to use a random fire spell out of panic - and the arrow catches on fire. To put the fire out, my character rolls on the floor... Setting the hay on fire and injuring himself even more.
We ended up defeating the elves just by throwing rocks at them. Guess what we did? We robbed them, found the best doctor in the town, and ordered him to treat our wounds... With golden thread. Of course we paid with their coins.
While playing Neuroshima with the same group, the same person that was a mage in our last game suddenly jumped out of shadow in an abaddoned base. With a tame bear. I tried to charge her with a bayonet while other player tried to wrestle with the bear... Some rolls later, I ended up on the floor, bleeding, with a rifle in my stomach. What she did to me? Nothing. I just tripped over a rock and stabbed myself with my own bayonet.
During the same game, that guy who tried to wrestle a bear nearly killed everyone in our team. Croats (mutants that look like kids with scissors instead of hands) ambushed us while we were fixing our truck. Somehow we managed to fix it in time, but not before they got to us. We jumped in the truck and closed the doors... And that guy tried to shoot at the Croats. While still inside the truck. Throught thick, steel door. With a shotgun.
Collectible Card Games
One would not expect the judge rulings on a card game to contain anything of note humorwise. Nonetheless, thanks to Magic: The Gathering's Unglued set and its card Hurloon Wrangler, the action of removing one's pants officially takes place faster than a mana ability.
This editor's moment of funny and moment of awesome rolled into one came in a five way Magic game. I had my Kamigawa deck, which includes Orochi Hatchery (spawn a number of 1/1 colorless spirit tokens depending on how much mana you used to summon it) and Devouring Greed, wich does -2 to a player for each spirit sacrificed and you gain as much life. One guy was being a prick because he played better than the rest of us and we knew it, but I got Orochi Hatchery on the field with five counters on it so I could summon five tokens. Next turn I get my first five and draw Devouring Greed. Next turn, five more tokens, and I played devouring greed, sacrificing nine of my tokens and one spirit with soulshift. The guy was taken out with one hit from full health while I was down to 4 health. Everyone (myself included) was shocked, and I even commented that dying now would be worth it for pulling off that awesome move, and I couldn't help but laugh at that guy's expression. The cool part? I got Devouring Greed back because of Soulshift, but then everyone was against me and didn't want me to play it so I lost in a couple of turns despite being at 24.
Not to spoil your fun, but this trick actually doesn't work: Orochi Hatchery produces snake tokens, not spirits (which, given that the orochi are Kamigawa's snake people, only makes sense in context), and Devouring Greed explicitly requires the latter.
Well then its made all the more funny since the guy was a seasoned MTG player.
I play a goblin deck, so games I play tend to be over pretty fast. One game, for some reason, turned into a stalemate that went on for half an hour before I enacted a brilliant plan that may or may not win the game. I didn't think it through all the way though, since it involved play two Ib Halfhearts. Due to rules involving legendaries, both were destroyed as soon as the second entered play, halting my "brilliant" plan in its tracks. However, because I had several copies of Boggart Shenanigans in play, the death of two goblins did enough damage to kill my opponent. Epic Fail turned success! Yay?
Not the game itself, but this  review of FATAL has the part when he attempts to describe putting the Fatal combat mechanics into play:
Jack's sword cleaved through the cultist's chest, cleaving through the nipple, the xiphoid process - the lowest part of the sternum - and the shoulder blade. The cultist's blade only caused damage to Jack's appendix and his adrenal gland, somehow missing everything else in front of and in back of Jack's adrenal gland and appendix.
A certain review of SenZar can also be pretty funny.
Not a review per se, but on one Pathfinder forum, someone was criticising the look and attitude of the Anti-Paladin class (pictured here) and wondering what sort of clown would dress and act like that while keeping a straight face. The following was posted in response. I nearly killed myself laughing when I read it:
"That guy doesn't have a straight face, though. Look at him! He's stifling either a laugh or a fart. He's dressed like High King of Douchebags, and he knows it. But he doesn't care because he also knows that if you say anything about it to him, he's going to rearrange your face, and possibly your sphincter. That man bought his armor at Villains 'R' Us, and he absolutely does not give a damn about what you think. His name is Brad or Chaz, because all genuine douchebags are named Brad or Chaz, or maybe Brad Chazington III, heir to a long line of both Brads and Chazes. He stomps puppies, slaps orphans, and occasionally sets fire to nuns. If you asked him for the time of day, he'd beat you to death with an hourglass.
That is the face of a man who just ate a kitten. Raw.
PS: This post is a parody and is not meant to make any judgment about people actually named Brad or Chaz or Brad Chazington. Good day."