- The eternal classic: "Eric & the Dread Gazebo"
- This thread records several.
- "Fuck diplomacy. We have magic now."
- PC 1: "Hubris! It means that you think you're better than everyone else!"
PC 2: "I AM better than everyone else!"
- Jackass PC: Our teammate is angry and our psychologist is broken so she can't fix him.
Jackass PC: I realize that, but you are completely useless at the moment.
- In a Star Wars game, one character who had been illegally smuggling spice was finally cornered by the authorities. As he was being led away he finally shouted out "The! Spice! Must! Flow!"
- Birthright Campaign: The Official Playtest Notes has pearls like
Then diplomats from Diemed offered to perform a special urban and agricultural service
for Sue's kingdom of Medoere, in which thousands of Diemedian 4-H officials would march across Medoere's westernmost province to check for deer ticks. If they found none, they would loot the province briefly and return home. Sue could cancel this service for only 16 wagonloads of gold and a promise to let the Diemedian royal family use her castle as their summer retreat.
- The Head Of Vecna. Always make sure product is as advertised before you CUT OFF YOUR OWN HEAD.
- My scratch-built Daemon Prince always earns a few laughs every time he makes it onto the table. The model is a rabbit mounted on a flying base. To date, his kill count includes most of an Imperial Guard Infantry Platoon, two thirds of a Space Marine Assault Squad, and a Dreadnought.
- It is quite possible that Mr. Welch has the biggest repertoire of funny things he is not allowed to do ever again in an RPG.
- In one of my first D&D games, another player decided his first action would be to run down the dungeon corridor blindly. Naturally, he came across a trap, which in this case was a pit with spikes in it. He rolled dexterity, and ended up with a 1. The poor guy fell directly onto a spike, which conveniently set off the trap, which raised the spikes and completely circumvented the trap for the rest of us. He had a real problem with pits for some reason.
- My D&D group has a few gags, but the funniest was the human scout (we affectionately called him "human moron", even in character) who I swear had ADHD - he couldn't stay still, and would often run ahead and get the party in trouble. The party warrior dealt with this by tying a rope around his neck like a leash.
- Also, the other dragonborn, my paladin, is very intelligent, very charismatic, very strong, very wise, but less than graceful. She has trouble hitting anything and there's a running gag about her falling down stairs.
- And then there's the one guy who had trouble hitting anything with his crossbow. Any other weapon he was fine with. The crossbow almost inevitably missed. We started calling it the -5 Crossbow of Missing.
- I had a campaign where we were up against someone with one weakness - a fondness for mental games. He captured us, and we were about to die. My characters last words? 'At least I didn't lose the game, like you.' He was then so distracted by cursing my party managed to escape and kill him.
- In one D&D session I participated in, one person (playing a Dragonborn fighter) wouldn't shut up, insisted that he could kill all of us if he wanted, and was generally insufferably arrogant. At one point in the game, we were stuck in a room filling with water from a hole in the floor. One player rolled high to plug it, and because the Dragonborn player kept interrupting, the DM decided that he would be used to plug the hole. The whole group started laughing and didn't stop for the whole rest of the session.
- I personally encountered one of the funniest series of bad dice rolls I've ever seen in a Star Wars RP session. The players were investigating a series of disappearances of moisture farmers on Tatooine, and had just entered a bedroom that had been ransacked by Rakghouls.
I'm really tired, so I decide to fall asleep on the bed. [Rolls a 5] GM:
You are standing at the foot of the bed, and tip forward until you fall onto it...but you land on the edge of the mattress so that half your body is on
the bed and half is off
. You somersault off the bed and onto the floor, landing on your back. Player One:
I think I'll stay here for now... Player Two:
I kick him. [Rolls a 2] GM:
Your kick misses entirely and hits the bedframe; you dislocate your toe, causing two damage. Player Two:
Fine; I heal my toe. [Rolls a 4] GM: [Barely containing himself]
You somehow manage to stub your other
toe on the bedframe. Me:
Are we playing a Star Wars RP or The Three Stooges
Both. You're Shemp
, by the way.
- In an early evil campaign I ran, it was a giant Take That to the Dungeons & Dragons movie, where the players travelled to the world with the intent of causing as much havoc as possible. Eventually, they get to the place where Savrille (the skeleton dude who made the Rod of Red Dragon Control). The exchange looked something like this:
Savrille: Be warned, whoever wields the rod shall suffer its terrible curse!
Evil PC: How do I break the curse?
Savrille: THAT... is for you to discover!
: I cast Control Undead on him. How do I break the curse now, bitch
Savrille: You honestly think if I knew I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my ass?
- Another one that had us in stitches referred to an earlier Star Wars campaign. The session before one of the players had stated that Spice is an illegal narcotic. In a later session, I point out that Spice is not universally an illegal substance, and in fact the assassination attempt on Padme in the opening of Attack Of The Clones was supposedly linked to Spice miners on the moons of Naboo. Then I say "so unless the term 'Spice Miner' is a euphemism for 'drug dealer'", which got everyone in the room on the floor as we came up with mining terminology that could sound like mafia-talk.
- Say what you will about 4E Warlord, in which you heal someone by basically shouting at them, you can get great mileage by saying stuff like "Damn it soldier, I'm giving you an order not to die!" Other lines include "Never give up! Never surrender!"
- Another funny one, in a game where one of the players got hit with a death curse (BOVD addition), he was framed for a large number of serious crimes, but also after he had burned down the home of a mayor of one of those towns founded by ex-Zhentarim (the mayor was still a Zhent, but most people were in the dark of this) resulting an innocent person getting killed (she got knocked out by another player). When approached by the local officials, we get the following exchange:
Town Guard: Mr. Silversmith? You are under arrest!
Mr. Silversmith: *indignantly* On what charge?
Town Guard: *breaks out a large list* Theft, poisoning a well, cattle rustling, ... (goes on for a while) ... arson, and reckless endangerment resulting in death.
Mr. Silversmith: *beat*
I am innocent... of a significant number of those crimes!
- A gem from our "Prince of Undeath" campaign. Our characters are pretty well minmaxed, so we have been thwarting his plans at every turn and slaughtering his servants with ruthless efficiency. At one point, we're dealing with a spirit in service of Orcus, and it needs to be fed lines on how we've served him. Our response? "We have purged Orcus' ranks of incompetence and failure."
- Something from our Buffy campaign we had years ago: Everybody in town was under a mass-mind-control spell and heading out to the middle of the desert (or something), and we end up killing the demon wizard who caused it, and there was a massive explosion (all the details escape me). When everyone starts coming to, we need to give some reason for them all to be out there. Our spell-slinger says "Oh, man, that gas line explosion ruined our town-wide, camping trip!" The the populace seems to buy this, at which point, my robot character turns to the secret agent and asks "Tell me human, is there much inbreeding in this town?"
- I play a 4e warlord, and I've had such lines as "You don't have my permission to die!" when using inspiring word. My favorite was "Never give up, trust your instinct!"
- I was playing in a Dungeons & Dragons campaign with only one other surviving party member. We went around the dungeon killing baddies until we walked into what looked like a kitchen. GM: "You see what looks like a green soup in a bowl on the table." my friend: "i drink it." GM:"......Wha...?...... um, 3 points of damage." My friend: "ow.... ok, i drink it again." I ended up knocking his character unconscious and dragged him out of the room to prevent his death.
- I've had something akin to this happen in a call of cuthulu game. "I read the book." "You loose some sanity and start drooling a little." "I read it again!"
- While playing Mage: The Ascension live-action, I was in a group on the run from bad guys with BIG guns, when his partymate casts an illusion spell making us look like mere boxes. "OK everyone, think boxes," she says. Then another group comes running (from the same group of bad guys) and someone says, "Let's hide behind these boxes!"
- In a recent Dungeons and Dragons session we discovered a massive, 2 story tall, cauldron being used to mass produce zombies. After a brief battle to clear the room the party climbed the stairs to the landing at the back of the room to continue on the quest. I was playing an impulsive dark elf who decided to set fire to the contents of the cauldron to keep any zombies from being created behind us. Turns out the contents were ... slightly explosive. The DM proceeded to gather up 40d6 telling me that, even if I made the save, my character was likely to die. I rolled, and made, my reflex save and only after the DM counted up the 150+ damage did I mention she had evasion so she took no damage from a blast that removed the 2 floors above us as well as the roof of a stone castle.
- My Paladin in a Dungeons & Dragons game ended up with an insane amount of Charisma thanks to events in-game, but still was at heart a farmer's boy (with a major twitchiness towards undead notwithstanding). The Dragon (a vampire, not a literal dragon) of the previous campaign's big bad tracked him down, everyone expected a big fight - but instead, the vamp kneeled down on one knee, and proposed to the Paladin.
Bard: So... who gets to wear the dress?
* after a violent rejection from said Paladin*
Bard: *cringes at the carnage* Eeeh, good thing it isn't likely that he would've worn white in the first place.
- I was playing a Warhammer 40,000 match and decided to try out my new Defiler (a daemon-possessed war machine) against the Imperial Guard. The battle was going well until my opponent's Vindicare assassin got behind the Defiler and fired his special anti-armor round: "Okay, so I use my Turbo-Penetrator on your Rear Armour..." Needless to say, it was a few minutes before the game continued... Incidentally, the Defiler took one up the ol' exhaust port (bow-chicka bow-wow), burst into unholy flames, and signalled the turning of the battle against the forces of Chaos.
- A Shadowrun face character arming up:
Player: Can we just say I shove all my shit in my purse?
- A Fallout tabletop RPG session:
Player: Okay. I set the shop on fire.
DM: ...Wait, what? Why?
Player: Why not?
- Followed by the Super Mutant stepping out of his alleyway and causing a mass panic and another player shrugging, walking off, and looting an empty shop.
- Followed by the fourth character stealing the broken cash register from the burned-down shop, but leaving the cash behind.
DM: You take about an hour to come across a raider camp. There are three raiders.
Player: Are they on fire?
This is a PROBLEM, gentlemen! We must rectify it!
- The attack on said raider camp did involve a player using a blowgun with needles tainted by narcotic mushroom poison.
- Further adventures did include the Super Mutant saving a town from a giant Deathclaw, so the party took advantage of their reverence to get them to start making helicopter parts. One of the players was sufficiently amused by this to periodically chant "Mutant Jesus will lead us to salvation in the sky!"
- A Shadowrun game with some of the same players started with the team in prison in Texas for various crimes. The party was composed of a belligerent genius hacker/pilot with a strong Russian accent, a Russian face adept, a Japanese mage who spoke very little English, and a pair of Japanese shapeshifters. Hilarity very rapidly ensued.
- The pilot, in response to the mage burning a hole in his door with Acid Spray: "THANK YOU, CHINAMAN!"
- The pilot's introduction to the rest of the party:
Pilot: "I am Vladimir Stalin!"
Mage: *points* "Fake name?"
- The pilot then proceeds to try and get parts off the face adept's motorcycle to repair his helicopter's malfunctioning GPS and gets blasted across the room to the tune of fifteen stun damage from the bike's security system. While he's unconscious, the rest of the party manages to steal a supply of fuel from the Brazilian airport they've landed at and escape, leaving twelve dead and dozens wounded behind.
- The party's response to the customs inspection of their helicopter after not remembering to hide their weapons: Petrify from the mage while the officials are processing the pile of guns in the cargo bay, then steal the resulting statues' clothes to infiltrate the airport. The suggestion of selling the nude statues to raise cash for fuel was brought up, however.
- And the suggested strategy for detaining them after they wake up: leave them unbound and naked on the floor of the helicopter, and have the fox shapeshifter hide in a cabinet and scream hideously to scare them away from the vehicle.
- Out of character, the pilot's player's attempts to translate his character's business cards into other languages. The full text of the cards: "I am Vladimir. I fly helicopters. Things blown up, especially embassies, special rate on American targets."
- Some of the above party's first attempt at playing Shadowrun consisted of a series of actions that killed the entire party twice in two sessions. To wit:
- Character One, melee Adept: Throws his voice to distract the guards by yelling "Hey, guys, there's an intruder!" while loudly forcing open the fence they were guarding. Shot in the head.
- Character Two, combat mage: Swims into San Francisco Bay to try and melt a hole in the target boat with an acid spell. Takes heat damage from dumping a very strong acid into water, bricks his attempt at swimming with no skills in it at all, falls unconscious, and drowns.
- Character Three, rigger: Receives a call on his home phone from the targets of the failed run saying "We know who you are, what you did, and where you live. We're coming to get you." Proceeds to ignore his imminent danger and go to sleep. Executed in a back alley with a shotgun.
- Character Four, sniper: Shoots three guards with a sniper rifle, neglects to purchase a silencer for his gun or move in between shots. Pinpointed and shot in the head.
- Characters Five and Six, combat mage and melee Adept: Attempt to pull a dramatic window entry through bulletproof glass on the eighty-seventh floor of a skyscraper. No-save death from falling damage.
- Yet another game with the same group was cut short when a hero instant-killed the final boss in the surprise round. That game eventually had a continuation with some of the same characters...who instant-killed the final boss in the surprise round with the same sword.
- The continuation had an amusing scene with a longtime antagonist getting unmasked, leading to intensive speculation about which character from the first adventure he was, up to and including a halfling standing on a gnome's shoulders.
- From the same game, a player attempted to argue that bashing an opponent's head against the wall of the ship would count as attacking the opponent with the ship as an improvised weapon.
- Another game with some of the same players, this time they were a Republic embasssy making first contact with a remote planet in the Star Wars universe.
Droid PC: I go out and try and find someone to ask about their computers.
DM: They look at you funny. They don't have talking droids here.
*room cracks up*
- Speaking of 40K, an article on Games Workshop's website about Imperial Commissars has a great moment. Two players were running a battle between Blood Angels and Imperial Guard under Lord Solar Macharius, basically 40K's version of Alexander the Great. Macharius had a Commissar attached to his command squad and was directing the battle when a lucky Krak missile hits them, inflicting enough casualties to call for a morale check. Macharius rolls an 11, a failure. Good thing he gets a re-roll... Boxcars, another failure. The rules are absolutely clear at this point: "For cowardice in the face of the enemy, I execute you in the name of the Emperor!" One shot from the Commissar's bolt pistol, and Macharius is a casualty of war.
- I remember an article in White Dwarf back when the Armageddon worldwide campaign was running that pitched Ghazghull Thraka (the Ork Big Bad) against Commissar Yarrick. First round was just Ghazghull and Yarrick fighting each other. Ghazgull won, somewhat unsurprisingly. So in the spirit of fairness, they played off again, this time with a squad of Imperial Guard backing up Yarrick. Ghazghull still mashed them all to a pulp. So, finally, throwing the spirit of fairness to the winds, Ghazghull squared off against Yarrick and a Leman Russ battle tank. Ghazghull lost.
- My Marines Iratus have provided some spectacular moments themselves, but my absolute favourite saw a single remaining Space Marine with plasma gun get charged by a five-strong squad of Chaos Terminators, all of which would squish him with a single wounding hit. Not a single traitor Terminator managed a wound, and the virtuous Marine killed one of them, enough to win him the combat. The Terminators promptly failed their morale test and, being Chaos, didn't have the immunity to being overrun that loyalist Marines did. That one Marine overran the squad, killed the lot and directly won me the game.
- I once killed a terminator with a Harlequin's Kiss. For the uninitiated, I will explain. For the initiated, this was all under 2nd Edition. A Harlequin's Kiss is a close-combat weapon wielded by Eldar Harlequins, the Fragile Speedsters of 40K. They wear no armour, just a light-refracting field that means your opponent shoots with -1 to hit. So just getting your harlequins into close combat with Terminators - big, hulking, extra-armoured dudes with automatic weaponry built in - is quite a deal. Landing a hit was about 50/50 or thereabouts, but the real killer was that extra armour. Terminator armour conferred a save of 3+ - on 2D6. The Harlequin's kiss has no modifier to that, but does kill the victim instantly if the armour is penetrated. Double One. Insides turn to soup. Well, I laughed.
- I will always, always remember a particular Space Marine Orks vs. Eldars battle. End of my opponent's first firing turn, which had already gone quite well for him, and he tries to find a use for his last Tempest heavy tank but can't quite get a line of sight on anything worth the while, so he decided to shoot at my Great Gargant, figuring at least it'd burn a shield - not a bad move, since Ork shields can't regenerate. He shoots, and hits. The shot goes right through all of the shields (a 1 in 6 chance - Ork shields suck that way). Since the Tempest main gun is not that great, he aims for the big Lifta Dropa on one arm, hoping to at least disable that. Misses, and strikes an ammo dump instead - the hardest armored point. I smile, and go for the easy save roll... which, of course, fails. He rolls max damage. The ammo dump explodes, which prompts an immediate roll on the fire table (normally you only have to roll those at the end of your own turn, and after you've had the chance to extinguish some of the fires), which in turn starts a long and convoluted chain reaction (involving one more ammo dump, and the main boiler, for two more immediate fire checks) until the Gargant finally explodes in the most spectacular fashion, obliterating most of the infantry I had stationed around it for the morale boost. 1000+ points gone, in one. lucky. shot. That wasn't even fired in the hope of doing anything. I still haven't figured out the funny in this story, but my opponent assures me there's a lot of it.
- I have a habit of killing all of my brother's heroes when playing Warhammer40000 against him, regardless of edition and logic. this has often resulted in hilarious moments, one of the funniest being this: we were playing Rogue Trader in a campaign that allowed using Kill Sat weapons. these often have huge explosion radiuses and do high damage. So, my forces are now only like ten guys left, but my brother's army is like 20 guys in a swarm charging my last squad. my brother also has only one remaining hero, who is weak, but very far away from the battle field and easy enough to kill or rout if I survive the rest of his troops. I also have a single ship in orbit. Hilarity Ensues when I Wave Motion Gun a single enemy hero at the price of my victory.
- On a whim at a local Warhammer club, me and my friend played two min-maxed 40K-in-40-minute armies against two 1500pt armies. We were outnumbered, points-wise 800pts vs 3000pts, almost 4x. We got first turn. My army had 4 Land Speeder Tornadoes and a scout squad. My friend had three Eldar Vypers with crystal targeting matrices (basically lets them move out of cover, shoot and then duck back behind cover before the return fire came) and a unit of rangers. It was a Glass Cannon force, basically dependant on not getting hit before laying on More Dakka. The enemy were Orks and Dark Eldar, who have abysmally bad armour. They started in vehicles. We wiped out 3/4 of their army in two turns.
- I once had an enemy Beastmaster single-handedly slaughter Sammael, Master of the Ravenwing. Sammael is third-in-command of an entire army of super soldiers, in a setting where Authority Equals Asskicking. A beastmaster is a K-9 officer, wielding a glorified dagger. Said beastmaster then proceeded to cripple a dreadnought.
- Another White Dwarf example: a recent one featured the main battle strategy of "state your interpretation of the rules as loudly as possible, then go with whichever is the most convincing." Someone almost got to fire a lobba on the back of a Squiggoth at a target two and a half feet out of range without needing to worry about it.
- My Fire Warriors were targeted by an enemy tank at very short range. The tank proceeded to hit itself with its battle canon, explode, and wipe out a good part of the enemy infantry next to it. This was over 25% casualties, so it forced a morale check. Which they failed. They fled off the table. Yes. A Leman Russ shot itself, exploded, and caused an IG squad to break. I said those Fire Warriors weren't shooting next turn because they'd gone to ground - rolling on the floor laughing.
- I once GM'd a game of Dark Heresy in which individuals were allowed to be incredibly silly. This led to many humourous moments, but the best one was at the very end (Or what should have been the end) of their adventure. Two of the party members were in a quarrel with each other over something trivial, and started fist fighting. One of the party's Guardsmen decided it would be a good idea to defuse the situation by trying to wound one of the combatants. He managed to score righteous fury and a critical hit. Rolling on the critical hit table, he caused his target to blow up, ammo exploding everywhere. In turn, this killed several party members, one of which also blew up, ensuring that nobody survived. To top it all off, one of the players said "I want to load the save file." right after the event.
- Hearing this in the club I go to for Warhammer 40k: "And two's to wound... Ones! Ah For.."
- I once played a Warhammer400000 game, Space Marines allied with Daemonhunters against Necrons. The Necron Monolith managed to get off a particle whip blast and blow my Inquisitor and my entire Space Marine command squad except for one trooper upgraded with a power sword into dust, leaving the single remaining trooper under the guns of three Destroyers (flying skimmer platforms with really big anti-personnel guns). So the lone command squad member charges the Destroyers on his next turn and proceeds to kill all three of them in a single round of close combat. It didn't quite make up for the ignoble end met by the 600-some point Inquisitor/Captain/Command Squad unit, but that particular soldier did get promoted to captain after that battle (he survived, the Land Raider and two Tactical squads managed to finish waxing the Monolith before it got to fire back). That game also had the incredible case of the Incompetent Immortals (a four-turns-long firefight between a full Inquisitorial Stormtroopers squad with no weapon upgrades and their heavy bolter Chimera and five Necron Immortals that resulted in precisely zero casualties on either side), the lucky Necron Warrior squad that immobilized the aforementioned Command Squad's Land Raider and blew two of its guns off with one turn of shooting, and the Necron Warriors that charged twice their number of Space Marines rather than standing around to get shot.
- I played a character in a D&D 3.5 campaign who had turned evil and decided to betray the party and as a result got turned into a Vampire Lord (and they have some amazing powers, including never being permanently dead so long as there is someone to revive the ashes). A DM-controlled Paladin of a church that was being slowly corrupted was along when the players finally figured it out and came to dispose of me. He charged and the DM had already called out "And now I cast Lay on Hands," when I stopped him in midair, about a foot away from my character. Because said DM had forgotten that Vampire Lords have 12th-level telekinesis. The Paladin then got slaughtered, and the rest of the party fled.
- So, the DM in my D&D campaign introduced his own version of a Rod of Wonder. It was a free action to activate, and he rolled a D30 to determine what it did. The wielder, when using it, had to declare what he wanted it to do, if the DM rolled a 30, and it was chaotic enough, that's what would happen. This led to such declarations as "I want the angel's underwear to suddenly weigh 30 tons." The activation word was "Fun" and he kept it in a Glove of Storing activated by snapping. But the best result was this.
DMOk, you've finished raiding the noble's house and have taken everything valuable that you could. You're on the second floor and have just exited his study. What do you do?
Artificer *snaps fingers* Fun.
DM *shakes head* Ok, what do you want it to do?
Artificer Eeeehh. Summon a spectre in the study.
DM *sigh* O.K. *rolls d30*
Pause as the DM consults his made-up table and tries not to fall on the floor laughing.
DMYou summon...a very large and confused Elephant in this 10x10 study.
hilarity ensues and random things happen in the town and the party meets up later.
ArtificerI explain what went on to the party.
- In an Online play-by-post RPG, two tech-savvy types and an Obi-Wan type of character had the following discussion after the rather spectacular crash of a hoverdisk:
Techie 1 "Yes! It worked!"
Techie 2 "Worked?! The trajectory was abysmal, the propulsion was erratic, and the steering failed miserably!"
Techie 1 "Wrong! Trajectory was unplanned, propulsion was makeshift, and steering was nonexistent. And it still flew!"
Techie 2 "INTO A TREE!"
Old Sage "Into several trees!!!"
Techie 1 "You guys don't have the correct mindset. Look on the bright side. At least there's a nice big hole in the tree layer that some plants can use to grow... Or, or, at least the Dryads got to see something interesting for once."
Old Sage "I don't actually think there are any Dryads on this mountain... at least not yet"
Techie 2 "After that, I doubt there will be any time soon!"
- More 40k: Reasonable Marines. That is all.
- This editor's first D&D 3.5 campaign, where he rolled quite a poor character who had penalties on Charisma. We were all hiding behind a thick wooden door, being sniped at by a dark-armor guy with a crossbow. My halfing rogue sticks his head around the door and goes "Chicken! Chicken!" and rolls a 20 on Bluff. The DM proceeds to roll a 1, and amid much merriment, Mr. Dark Armor is forced to charge and is promptly cut in half by our fighter. Not one room later, as a joke, my halfling strides in yelling "CHICKEN! CHICKEN!" and is shot and killed by another rogue in the shadows with a very large crossbow. I now have a mug with a rooster on one side and the phrase "Chicken! Chicken!" on the other.
- In a D&D campaign (gone horribly awry starting at about 2 am), one person got a bit crazy with the sense motive checks.
I perform sense motive on the fire!
It wants to burn things.
- In a Pathfinder 3.5 game, our party of 'not-evil' characters from Cheliax included a Paladin of Love with ranks in Profession (Courtesan). Our party had a side mission to gather something personal so our 'not-evil' overlord(ess) could scry on a former hero. My character (a druid) blew every dex check possible trying to steal something of his. To keep the hero distracted, the paladin decided to ply her trade while the player herself was taking a swig from a juice bottle. At that moment, I yelled, "Wait! Don't swallow that! I've got a vial!" I almost owed her a new player's handbook.
- The following exchange took place in a one-off D&D session, run by me for my players:
DM: The manacles surge from the walls, grabbing at your arms and legs, then withdrawing and pulling tightly back. You failed your Grapple, and are now pinned up against the wall.
Bound Player: Guys, help me!
Free Player: I cast Detect Magic.
Bound Player: ...
Free Player: ...
- In the same campaign, one of my players rolled up a doppleganger. The session started on a boat. I asked him what he was going to make himself appear as. He tells me he wants to look exactly like the first mate. "OK." We keep going for a little while, then the first mate walks on deck. He figures he's being dicked with by wizards and decides not to mess with the doppleganger. Cue the rest of the party rolling (fairly bad) Disguise checks to make themselves look like the first mate.
- I once played an Elf Adept built as a face character (Commanding Voice, Kinesics, Facial Sculpt, the works) in a Shadowrun game, and during one session the DM gave us the evening off. We all went off to a bar, and our Dwarf gun specialist and Elf pilot failed repeated Willpower tests so badly that the GM ruled that I had successfully tricked them into engaging in a drinking contest. After numerous bottles of vodka and Limoncello (we were in Italy at the time), the Elf finally passes out, leaving the Dwarf victorious and the other three characters to drag them back to our hideout. The next morning, I burst into the room where the two are sleeping it off bright and early, open all the windows, and essentially force-feed them strong coffee.
- That's not the best part. When the rest of the party was staring at his cruel, cruel treatment of the drunkards, he looks back and says in perfect deadpan: "I'm Russian. I know how to handle hung-over people."
- And during this entire exchange the hacker was following me around alternately laughing and insincerely lecturing me on how cruel to these poor people I was being.
- Later, while we were at a mafia boss's house (having told those two drunkards to go away since they would embarrass us greatly if we took them along), they burst in, very messily drunk, and the following exchange occurred...
Adept: “What did you do this time?”
Drunk weapons specialist: “I did nothing… I just said some words to this… this uh, lady, and this man got angry, and said something about duels, and… and pistols and someone was pulling a gun, and then everyone in the bar pulled a gun and then Kardal pulled his gun and then I pulled out my gun and I pulled out my shotgun for good measure and then I took another drink and then some shots were fired and we ducked under the table and I think one of the bottles got shot, which really sucks, man, cause it cost me fifteen nuyen and it was a beautiful glass, just shattered, and then it caught on fire… but… I was OK… ‘cause I can dodge bullets! I’m superman!”
Adept: “You, sir, are insane. We are not giving you any beer money next time around.”
Drunk weapons specialist: “I don’t need money, I’m a millionaire! I make money! I made money! I don’t need your money, and to top it off, I can dodge bullets!”
*Adept drags the drunks to a room full of very confused employees of the mafia boss*
Adept: “Gentlemen! I need a basin of freezing water!”
Drunk pilot: “I wasn drunk, I was buzzed! Drunk is fifty drinks! I had 49! I was very careful… I think…”
Adept: "You, shush."
Hacker: *bursts in* "Can I slap them? Please? It's a drunkenness cure, I swear!"
Drunk weapons specialist: “You look like the lady I talked to in the bar… she was really hot…”
Drunk pilot: “You can slap me anytime!” *drools*
Adept: *to Hacker* “Shhhh! Russian person! I know how to deal with drunks!”
*Adept upends both drunk characters into the cold water. Both drunk characters scream some variation of "it burns."*
- Another bit of hilarity with this character. His relationship with our (female) hacker is completely platonic, but her crazy Yandere girlfriend showed up, took exception to his presence, and attacked him with a monowire whip. I spent the whole time doing nothing but defending myself and ranting about how uncivilized Americans are and how a proper challenge to a duel should be executed, then grabbing her whip and tying it to a stone pillar, and saying "Can I finish now?"
- In the same gaming group that produced the above hilarity, there is currently a running Scion game. At one point, the Scion of Ares (Alex) introducing us to his birthright weapon resulted in this dialogue between him and my character, a Scion of Hades (Morana):
Alex: Nothing wrong with naming your guns after a badass fire-breathing dog.
- I once had a sorcerer character who would summon fiendish creatures and use an improbably high bluff skill to trick them into doing good. Example:
*Summons three demons*
Sorcerer: "See that guy over there?" *Indicates giant purple worm monster* "He gives to United Way" *Demons hiss in unison and charge the giant purple worm*
- Another example: the party was planning to make a bomb with several vats of alchemist's fire, but lacked a way to detonate it remotely. so I summoned a dretch (a minor, stupid demon)
Sorcerer: "so, when you get the signal, light the match, and drop it into the barrel."
Dretch: "Then what do I do?"
Sorcerer: "Nothing. That's it. Your job is done."
Sorcerer (aside to another player): He'll be fine, he has Fire Resistance...of like, 5."
- A Paladin was in a battle outdoors, and critically missed a strike. The DM ruled that the wild swing accidentally took out a tree. The Paladin then uttered a brilliant phrase:
Paladin: DAMMIT! There goes my Karma! I've been saving that!
- One Forgotten Realms game I ran had a recurring thousand+ year old Mulhorandi paladin, whose life pretty much sucked (spent thousands of years in a tome guarding an artifact that gets stolen during the Time of Troubles, only to get destroyed by the creature as he was taking it down, but before the artifact could be recovered, and the Players, being mercenary-minded, kept the tome rather than destroy it). He was originally conceived as a one-shot character, but was so popular that he was brought back as a sword. Unfortunately, he gets used by the party's least competent member. At one point, when they needed some divine power (none of the players wanted to play a cleric), they think to ask the sword if it could help. The guy that asks happens to be a particular jerk. The exchange goes something like this:
"We need some divine magics... wait, why don't we ask Kethoth here... Kethoth, your god hasn't abandoned you yet, has he?"
The Paladin responds with a perfect deadpan
"There are times I wonder."
We were on the floor in stitches.
- I played a high-level Poison Dusk Lizardfolk ranger/rogue/assassin with the most insanely overpowered bonus to Hide (something like +64 at 19th level) (and the Hide in Plain Sight ability) in existence. The first thing that happened in every encounter was that he hid from the opposition. Eventually we decided it would be funnier if he hid constantly, only actually doing anything that caused anyone to notice him when unavoidable, which led to things like the other two characters walking into an inn and requesting three rooms (after the innkeeper's puzzled look, my character would pop out of hiding for a moment). His Hide bonus was so high he performed Colossus Climbs and slit the Colossus' throat without being noticed.
- I ran a 2nd Edition D&D game for a summer in high school, with one of his friends playing a half-elf bard, who mostly focused on Climb Walls for his thief skills. Despite having something like a 90% rate, every single time he ever tried to climb anything important, he'd fall at the highest point and end up requiring the clerical equivalent of intensive care. After the first half-dozen times, it became a joke among the characters that he was the only elf in the world who couldn't even climb a tree to save his life.
- I ran a BESM 3 game in which the players jumped from world to world in order to beat up bad guys who were messing up the worlds. In this particular story, they ended up in the Legend of Zelda world. But they all followed Earth logic, so they were really confused about the world and how it worked. Pretty much everything was hilarious, but here's one of the best exchanges. They had just entered a home, and they found a wooden sword in a room full of pots. One player tried to poke a pot with the sword, and in true Zelda fashion it exploded. He poked a few more, and they had the same result. Also note that at this point nobody knew, in or out of character, where they were.
Gunslinger: THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME! This has to be a magical weapon or something!
Charmer: Hang onto it, we might be able to use it to beat up those guys that keep following us.
Magic-user: Why would someone leave this lying around?
- When they got to town, they had their first encounter with the NPCs that say the same thing over and over again. Gunslinger tried to stab one with the wooden sword to make them explode, but it didn't work. That's when the following happened:
Gunslinger: What the hell?! How the hell does a sword completely destroy pottery but can't even stab one per-
Magic-user: What is it?
Gunslinger: THEY'RE UNDEAD!
- A friend told me this one about the sort of thing that only happens at 2AM. In an 80's Shadowrun game, a character tried to jump into a rolling CityMaster, and failed. The obvious consequence: he was going to get run over. The player burns a Karma point to re-roll his jump. For the character, time stops, and he's left hanging in mid-air, inches from the tire. A dozen dwarves in jumpsuits and hard hats show up. "Hey, buddy, you the one that spent the karma point?" The dwarves bring in some heavy machinery, tow the CityMaster back a few feet, pluck the character out of the air and put him back on the ground. "Okay, restart in three, two, one..." The player gets his reroll. The character makes it into the CityMaster.
- In one horror adventure, my party was trapped in a Your Mind Makes It Real nightmare. One of the opponents was a jester who kept dodging around the room while telling lame jokes, causing the characters to laugh maniacally, with a risk of literally bursting with laughter. Instead of swinging wildly to silence him as fast as possible, my team mage... told a lame joke of his own. It was too brilliant not to work.
- In another adventure, the team mage (a different one) had a magic amulet that warded off enemy arrows. The team used her as a living shield, carrying her over their heads while sieging a castle.
- It was near the climax of a D&D 3.5 Evil Campaign, where our characters were almost done collecting a broken artifact that would allow us to pull our dead (NPC) leader out of what amounts to Hell, and in the process unleash the evil god that was sealed in that dimension (which some of the party members knew about.) We had to dig our way into somewhere and needed a rest, anyway, so the party's necromancer set some of his minions to digging while the party rested. And then we proceeded to play a game of Truth or Dare in character. The results? Much backstory was told, and many dares were issued; the best of which was where the necromancer and the Tiefling warlock ended up crossdressing in Southern Belle-style frilly dresses.
- From the same campaign: the Fridge of Endless Ice Cream, found in a dragon's hoard during a less than serious adventure.
- Also from the same campaign: a character who was, originally, a very pro-human racist accidentally got engaged to a non-human, and her honor demanded that she go through with the marriage. The leadup was hilarious, she slowly learned to accept non-humans as being actual people even as her non-human partymates taunted her about her situation, and the wedding itself was a combination of a Crowning Moment of Funny and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. (The necomancer's wedding gift? He True Resurrected her dead mother, who had died in childbirth.)
- In another campaign, my character—a bard—saved the lead of a famous opera from assassination. As part of the reward, she asked him to turn the story of their adventure so far into an opera. He liked the idea, but knew some of the Bad Guys were cultured members of polite society, and attended the opera on a regular basis. (The party'd bumped into them on the way into the show.) So he wrote a hideously—and hilariously—twisted, cliched, trope-loaded version of their story as the Show Within a Show, making it both comical and obscuring the truth about their backstory.
- This is basically the entire point of Paranoia, but one session always sticks out in my mind. At the beginning of a mission, I had my character order food over his do-everything PDC. Near the end of the mission, after all six of my character's clones had died in horrible but amusing ways, the food delivery finally arrived... and landed right on top of the person we were tasked with saving, crushing her to death and getting the rest of the team executed for gross incompetence.
- During a game of Paranoia, I requested something (I can't remember what) from the Computer. It rejected the request, telling me that I needed Green Security Clearance to access what I wanted. On a whim, I asked what security clearance was required to know that people with Green Security Clearance had access to that which I was asking for. The answer? Yellow, which is one step below Green. As a Troubleshooter with only Red Clearance (two steps below Yellow), I pointed out to The Computer that it was breaking its own security precautions, giving out restricted information. Having a couple previous clones die for breaking security precautions, I wondered if it was going to break MORE security precautions by ignoring its own actions. Faced with this Logic Bomb, the Big Eye of The Computer closed, and all the lights went out in Alpha Complex. In a game of Paranoia, I had defeated The Computer.
- Any clone attempting to deceive Friend Computer into violating security protocols is by definition a commie mutant traitor and should be terminated, and possibly also repatterned or simply erased to make sure they don't cause the same problem again. Anyclone successfully deceiving Friend Computer into violating security protocols is by definition a Machine Empath, and while it's quite possible that there might be something left standing in the sector after Our Friend has finished dealing with the situation, I wouldn't recommend sticking around to see for yourself. The above story isn't funny at all; it's just an example of a crap Paranoia GM.
- Honestly, whether it "should" have happened or not, it's funny. And it's entirely possible the GM was aware that wouldn't normally work, but ran with it for the humor, to reward cleverness, or whatever other reason. Paranoia assumes that whatever the GM says, goes to an even greater degree than other Tabletop Role Playing Games. If the GM decides The Computer crashes, it crashes. Deal with it.
- Have you ever seen a bomb disposal mission turn into a mission to the moon? That can happen in Paranoia. Have you ever seen accidental character suicide by using Pyrokinesis to activate a grenade in someone else's backpack, without considering that they're in a 2m square box? That can happen in Paranoia. Have you ever seen someone shot for drinking orangeade? That can happen in Paranoia.
- In one of my first games, PC #1 (me) was a Psion and PC #2 (my girlfriend at the time) was an Anti-Mutant. As usual, early in the mission, we each got a message from a NPC secret society contact. Unlike usual, these messages were completely accurate. And how:
PC #1's message: There's an Anti-Mutant on the team, and PC #2 knows who it is.
PC #2's message: There's a Psion on the team, and PC #1 knows who it is.
- One game our team was sent on a literal milk run to the commissary because the head troubleshooter doesn't take his coffee black. Everyone lost multiple clones and one guy lost all, and half the sector needed to be decontaminated from radiation.
- I took part in one marathon Paranoia session with my high school buddies, which ran until roughly 4 AM. Given the setting and situation, it should come as no surprise that the game was hilarious, but one particularly hilarious player had no less than three crowning moments of funny:
- A similar event to the above-mentioned game happened, almost word for word; the player had a discussion with The Computer about whether or not it broke its own rules. Ten minutes pass, and I and the other two players get up to find some snacks. Cue our usually serious and stoic GM abruptly ending the conversation with "Alright, you devious little asshole, go order some pizza while I try and salvage my precious story." The pizzas got here before we stopped laughing enough to start playing again.
- After a lengthy adventure involving trying to stop a secret society trying to take over while the computer was down, we were consistently pestered by a random other Troubleshooter, who we figured out was actually Int Sec. After killing him for the sixth and (we thought) final time, we were assaulted and captured and brought before the head of the Secret Society we were trying to destroy. Guess who it was? He monologued, revealing his whole big plot to break the citydome into small self-supporting sectors, at which point the player from earlier just bursts out into hysterical laughter. Calms down for a minute, and says "Wait, let me get this straight: The other troubleshooter, who we keep killing and then bumping into, who is actually Int Sec in disguise, who is actually a Society leader and therefore a Dirty Commie, is now revealing that he is, in fact, very literally a communist?" The GM says "Yeah, I guess thats right. Why is that so funny?" Player inhales deeply and dramatically, and then belts out "Commie Commie Commie Commie Commie Chameleon, You come and go, you come and goooooooo!"
- Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, we had killed most of the secret society members, who had decided to militarize and just start attacking the Army and CPU outright. We had lost just about all of our clones when an unfortunate set of rolls ended up making the Army turn on us. Just as the aforementioned player's last clone was about to be killed, suddenly all the lights and power comes back on, and a turret pops out of the grounds and fries his assailant. His response? "Wow. The Computer really is my friend."
- Once upon a time, I attended a Paranoia LARP at a con. I was dressed in black shoes, black pants, and black t-shirt (remember, rank in Paranoia goes Infrared(Black), ROYGBIV, Ultraviolet(White)), so when the Troubleshooters came around and started demanding all sorts of helpful and menial things of me, I just stood there smiling at them. After a couple of minutes of them berating me for not answering and obeying like a good little low-ranker, I pointed downward... and then lifted a trouser leg to show the white socks I was wearing. They were Not Amused(tm).
- I was being an assistant GM, and without knowing how the sentence was going to end, told the party that when they (inevitably) came to the inn, they looked around and found that the potboy was out back . . . smoking.
- And then there was the try-to-be-the-last-PC-standing scenario at a CONduit SF convention, using GURPS, which brags about its inter-genre capabilities. I named my character Dr. Insidious and made him a Priest of Evil, costumed as a generic "Oriental villain" from a never-made B movie of the '40s, and bought him an astonishing Dodge capability. In the same room of the rather futuristic bar/hotel was a Jedi Knight, a character type that Dr. I. had naturally never heard of; but after asking a few question Dr. I. decided he must be Good, and thus an enemy.
- Rather Young GM: You look around and see the metal tables topped with a material you don't recognize (it's plastic, of course).
- Dr. I's Player (aged 59): Formica.
- GM: And of course you won't recognize the laser rifle.
- Dr. I: Death ray.
- After that, there was no attempt to penalize my guy for unfamiliarity. His usually successful Dodging frustrated his attackers, but some cooperation among opponents brought him down.
- While exploring a Circus of Fear in a Steam Punk Champions game, Vespid (Scottish man-ant thing) splits off from the party and is ambushed by tigers (which practically know kung fu, if their Bestiary writeup is any indication). Bowler (martial arts Battle Butler) and Gimmicker (party gadgeteer and Chew Toy of the Random Number God) find him cornered atop a circus wagon, and Gimmicker decides to attempt a Presence Attack:
"Oh, WILL! WILLIAM! Ohh!"
It took them five, ten minutes to break the Marshal. This included brief introductions.
- I once participated in a one-shot GURPS game. Our mission involved landing in South America to look for the hidden enemy base. The DM was going to roll the dice for every period of time to see how we did. The very first roll was triple 1s (a critical success). And that's how we stumbled onto the Fountain Of Youth.
- I feel obligated to mention a particularly cracked MU* that used D&D 3.5 rules combined with D20 Modern, and a slew of house rules for classes and feats specific to this (now defunct) setting. House rules stated that characters created as Modern could still use the D&D 3.5 classes but had to be humans, this led to some truly hilarious and deviously constructed encounters due to the fact that players were encouraged to run the occasional 'random meeting and adventure' encounter. One day the group I ran this with consisted of all modern characters except one elf fighter....against a rust monster. Not a single weapon survived the encounter except a hastily-grabbed thick branch the elf took after his sword was dissolved...and the next thing to pop up was a Gelatinous Cube.
- Taking place in the same game world: A Deep Imaskari wizard who worships Velsharoon and makes no secret of this fact decided to do something VERY unusual with the Explosive Runes spell she'd picked up off a scroll and transcribed into her book...she had business cards printed up to advertise for her magic item crafting abilities. Half of these were subjected to the spell, the other half were not, and she kept them in pockets opposite each other on her Belt of Many Pockets. She routinely handed out the unenchanted cards to people she was just meeting for the first time. Hilarity ensues after she'd given out these cards to a random group that included a paladin at the start of a 'dungeon run' into a strange new cemetery that appeared in the middle of the city park. The group decides to explore a prominent tomb only for Nanay to walk up to the door and use scotch tape to stick a business card to it while telling everyone to stand back about fifty feet. The paladin decides to only stand back five feet, not realizing what will happen when Nanay asks one of the other characters to read her business card through a set of binoculars.
Nanay: "Are you sure you don't want to stand back a bit further?"
Paladin: "Just do whatever you're going to do so we can get on with it, wizard."
N: "Alright (other PC), read that card on the door."
OPC: *reads card through binoculars*
N: *rolls dice for Explosive Runes damage*
DM: "Okay (paladin), I'm going to need a reflex save."
P: *rolls, fails*
DM: "Okay, that's fifty-six force damage to the door and the paladin, and the facade of the tomb......."
DM: "The paladin is flung back ten feet from the wave of force and the door of the tomb is blown inwards, followed by the sound of many bones snapping as the door impacts the far wall, crushing the six skeletons that were behind it."
N: "And what did we learn today?"
P: "When a Wizard says Stand Back, there's probably a good reason." *ooc* "I cast Detect Evil."
DM: "You see no evil within twenty feet of the tomb, but a passing glance at Nanay shows her glowing brilliantly."
P: "Son of a....."
- For those not getting the joke: Velsharoon is the demigod of Necromancy and evil spellcasters as well as being an ascended lich himself.
- In another example, a long-running plot thread on the same online game had portals spewing forth random things from alternate dimensions. One of them popped out an entire goa'uld mothership. Once it was clear the players had figured out what it was, the GM announced that their police liaison had just taken a phone call, and passed on to them: "MGM is offering a million dollars if you can get a live interview with any member of SG-1."
- I have had a lot of hilarious moments in Warhammer 40,000, mostly when playing against my friend's guard army. Among other things, I've had my chaos lord lose his last wound to a guardsman carrying the company standard, after making succesful saves againt two powefists (after that it became a running gag that the lord had a psychotic hatered for flags and would attack and desecrate the enemy standard whenever possible), and had the same chaos space marine icon bearer survive ridiculous amounts of shooting in two separate games. In one, it took 100 lasgun shots to kill him, in another he was fired for 3 turns by several heavy weapons and not only survived but won the game by holding the objective. He's also had a Great Unclean One (a huge fat demon with initiative of 2) overrun a fleeing unit of Eldar. In addition his friend often plays an assult-oriented footslogging guard amy, which is practically a Lethal Joke Army. Seeing an Ork palyers reaction when 50 guardsmen charge a mob of boyz and tear it to pieces is priceless.
- Reading the fluff for Blood Bowl suggests that it is not a sensible game, but playing it is even more hilarious than one might expect. During a game one of my Skaven Linemen tried to make a very simple Dodge roll to step away from the skrimmage line and away from the enemy models. I needed a 3+ on a d6, and it'd put my model safely out of reach of harm. I rolled a 1 - a critical failure, so he tripped up and fell over. When a model in Blood Bowl falls over your opponent gets to roll against their armour to see if they are hurt. You can probably work out what happened next for yourself. My linemen ended up taking a single step backwards into open space, tripped over a badly placed speck of dust and promptly cracked his skull open like an over ripe melon when he hit the floor. Dead!
- Our cabal in a Mage: the Ascension game had cause to go to Scotland, and once there, found themselves having to rescue a kidnapped teenager from a bunch of Scots who we knew were gangsters but who might or might not have been in any way connected to the supernatural. Until we could figure out whether or not it'd be safe to use overt magic in front of them, we decided to send our two Welsh Hermetics to "negotiate," passing themselves off as "representing the Welsh families" - specifically, according to one of them, the Tylwyth Teg. That's right - it's the Welsh faerie Mafia.
- Then in the next session, the real Tylwyth Teg took exception to having their name invoked so casually...
- I D Md a strange mutant cross between Planescape and Spelljammer once, in which one of my players decided his character was an experienced and jaded planeswalker with a story to tell for every occasion. Once, when the aasimar cleric was complaining about the latest evil demiplane they had run across, the experienced fellow tells them all the story of a time he was on a demiplane run by evil clerics in which undead monkeys were a major trade good.
- In one D&D 3.5 epic-level campaign, one of my party-mates crafted a moon-based Kill Sat version of an arbalest, which fired a bolt which was literally a mile long. He only was able to fire it once. He aimed it specifically to kill a Yuan-Ti high-priest. He killed every living thing within the borders of the city he was aiming at, except for the high priest.
- This is a minor one, but it was hilarious at the time. I was D Ming a very dark and serious D&D canpaign with no jokes, and the players had just finished a dungeon. They decided to go to a tavern to get a new quest. As they walked in, I couldn't resist making the first joke of the campaign.
DM: You walk into the bar. Ouch.
- My players were rolling on the floor.
- At one point in a homebrewed superhero game I run with my friends, our heroes were battling a supervillain's giant robot, and a player asked if his hero could attach the mech's head. I declared that the robot's head is not as well-armored as the rest of its body, so the head would have a -2 to its Defense rating. I meant that the Defense rating of the robot's head would be two points less than its body, but the player thought I meant the overall Defense rating of the head was -2. My deadpan response was, "yes, that's right. The robot's head is made of styrofoam." We were laughing for at least five minutes straight.
- As something of a filler episode, I had each party member of my D&D group encounter a 'personalized' nightmare. The human barbarian was in a dwarven greathall, surrounded by dead, rotting dwarves with half-drunk tankards of ale. The first thing he did was drink some of the ale (much to the shock of every other player there). The second thing he did was steal the clothes off of the dwarven king and put them on. The third thing he did was steal the clothes off all the other dead dwarves, make a fire, curl down in front of it and fall asleep. Suffice it to say, the zombie king actually had a reason to kill him after such a humiliating affair. The kicker? His character had a wisdom score of 15, and an intelligence score of 14.
- My first convention was highlighted by a "Scooby Doo Cthulhu" TOON game, starring the Scooby Doo crew and some other contemporary cartoon guests. I was playing as Fred, and things got exceptionally weird. Some highlights of the game:
- It was revealed what was in the back of the Mystery Machine: Scooby and Shaggy's Water Bong, and a miniature kitchen.
- Fred ended up going absolutely buggy after running into a few Shoggoth, and at one point was chasing after Daphne with an axe, doing a fairly good (if I do say so myself) impression of Jack Nicholson in the Shining.
- Velma's chronic losing of her glasses ended up leaving her as one of only 4 characters to maintain their sanity, as she spent most of the time tripping over said cosmic horrors, unaware of what was going on.
- Scoob and Shaggy made it through by being so completely blitzed, they couldn't even comprehend what day it was much less the soul-rending horrors they were seeing, and ended up inviting a Deep One to get completely stoned. A lovecrafting horror with the munchies for Dagwood sandwiches is a hilarious thing to see.
- In a segmented evil campaign that I G Med, the main character Lich had absurdly high bluff, and was against a fairly moderate guard. The bluff was a natural 20, and the guard also had IIRC a natural 1 on his sense motive. So I put out a non sequitur: "You bluff him so well, he starts vomiting up blood." The game then continued, and after the evil half dragon monk arrived to the same guard again to bluff as well, and also got a natural 20. The guard did not survive this time.
- My father told me about how in one of his D&D campaigns, the team cleric worshiped a fertility goddess. His holy symbol was a dildo. You can just imagine how those sessions went...
- Sorry, druid. A halfling druid. Judge me by my size, do you?
- Mad Writter: I was playing Erma, a mermaid, in TOON on Myth-Weavers, and end up failing a Tail of Many Thing joke. The animator (the GM) pull out bongo drums. I failed my own "Stop Laughing" check.
- Mad Writter: It happen again, this time the animator brouhgt a computer with the blue screen of death. Same result.
- In one particular GURPS game, one character is trying to distract the guards. What does he do? Pee on one of them and scream "I am a fire engine!"
- One-shot campaign. Two players (including me) and my best friend as GM. Our characters are going to be put to sleep for a few years while they power-up. I tell GM that I don't want to play the same character. When we're finally awoken, the other player notices:
Player: Hey, that gay guy isn't here.
GM PC: Yes, he died a year after you were put to sleep.
Player: So (Beat) he had AIDS?
- Space 1889. Two of the players in my session are, respectively, a libertine Frenchwoman scientist and an aggressively macho chauvanistic British hunter with a
drinking problem not a problem at all. They trade insults throughout the game, but it seems to reach a peak when the scientist remarked:
Frenchwoman scientist: You are, in some ways, not exactly a gentleman.
British hunter: Madam. Over the last few days I have impugned your gender, your nationality, your profession, your mental faculties, your hygiene, your loyalty and your decency, but I have never once impugned your honor as a lady. Ergo, I demand that you retract that insult and replace it with one about my nationality forthwith!
- We managed to return to play after three minutes or so of laughter.
- The people involved in a one-shot of Monsters and Other Childish Things (basically Calvin and Hobbes if Hobbes was an Eldritch Abomination) I was also involved in have now decided that 6-year-old science is much better than all other forms of science, including Science! This is due to one character's Many Worlds Theory. To paraphrase: "There are three kinds of people: kids, adults and old people. So there must be three different universes - you're a kid in one of them, an adult in another one, and an old person in the third." Said character then proceeded to atempt to find her "old person" counterpart.
- I am currently D Ming a campaign where the 3 players are learning to play D&D for their first time, as such, many situations where the skill to be used is obvious, is lost to them. This resulted in a situation where instead of using the jump skill to clear a pit, they pushed the paladin and made him try to grasp both ends of the pit, and used him as a bridge. Even though I keep telling them to jump, they always try to push the paladin, with mixed results...
- I played in a campaign with an idiot fighter (player, not just character) and a kleptomaniac rogue. After we finished killing several rat swarms, the rogue decides he wants to take some rats with us, "just in case." Not wanting to carry the corpses himself, he bluffs the fighter into stuffing as many dead rats into his armor as he can. The DM awarded him a +1 to his armor.
- I and some friends had some fun thinking up descriptions for perfectly normal D&D classes that could be interpreted in several ways.
- Rogues do it from behind
- Druids do it while shapeshifted
- Barbarians do it while screaming very loudly
- Cavaliers do it on horseback.
- Marshals like to be in command.
- Assassins do it after studying you for 3 rounds.
- Diviners like to watch.
- Enchanters can force you to do it.
- Transmuters do it for a change.
- Samurai do it for their family's honor.
- Clerics do it by praying.
- I recently finished playing a D20 Star Wars game, set between the end of Ep III and the beginning of Ep IV, based off of a pre-published module but with...revisions. Said revisions ending up being more and more blatant as we(a 15yr old Jedi padawan traveling with clone trooper, meeting up with Togrutan spacer that ends up learning about the Force) moved on, including *redeeming Darth Vader*. Eventually we brought back all the remaining Jedi for a big climactic showdown at the Death Star, standard fly in and blow up the powercore type stuff. Only during the escape, Obi-Wan's fighter didn't quite make it out of the explosion's range. DM's response? In a perfect imitation of Sir Alec, "Negate Energy."(Force power that lets you negate energy or kinetic energy damage). He then rolls a 20. Cue the latest household meme for dealing with anything.
- My Shadowrun 4th Ed. group has one particular Butt Monkey. In almost every run, he has been blown up in some spectacular fashion. First I blew his legs off with a grenade (He had tried to betray us and lured me into a room full of zombies). The next run he loitered around on the roof of a building, even though our driver/hacker had warned us of incoming air support. He was then promptly blown to pieces by an attack helicopter. Another run had him blowing himself up to sabotage an Ares megacorp facility. Finally, one time he rushed through a booby-trapped door. Cue five grenades landing at his feet, to spectacular and messy effect. We've petitioned that all his characters have the trait, Allergy - Explosions.
- Another unrelated incident was when we had pulled alongside the train we were trying to hijack in order to steal its cargo. Our infiltration specialist decided it would be a good idea to hop onto the roof of the car, and then onto the train, despite the fact that the train guards were shooting at us. My street samurai turned around from manning the machine gun just to scream at him, "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING???" Unsprisingly, he got hit multiple times and ended up barely hanging onto the side of the car. The weapons specialist (and infiltrator's brother) suggested that I stomp on his fingers just to save us from his antics
- On our very first run, the infiltration specialist from the above entry rolled Intuition on a door. The DM said, in a deadpan voice, "It's a door." He would not add to the description despite protests from the player. That phrase has become our stock response whenever someone rolls Intuition on something.
- During a campaign I was in, one player's character had terrible luck. The DM had custom critical hit tables, and these (legitimately - the actual rolls demonstrated that it wasn't just the DM being evil) caused the character to lose three fingers, half an ear, one eye, a toe, and one testicle. All on his left side. The same character also had abysmal wisdom, and was played as such - he finally met his end when he decided to rain down rubble on some monsters by firing an explosive arrow at the ceiling of a cavern, directly above himself. He was counting on his reflex save to get clear, but rolled a 1.
- I was playing In Nomine online with some people once when hilarity ensued, for background the PCs involved were a Cherub of War known as Bertha, a Bright Lilim of Music (Israfel is an Archangel in this campaign world, known as Kaydence and another Bright Lilim, of War, known as Susan, they had found an amnesic demon, and brought said demon back to the apartment of another PC (or actually of the guy who's body said PC was borrowing, as said PC is a Kyriotate ((Kyrios are angels that can possess people, animals, and sometimes other things) anyway, said demon ended up on the couch, naked, except for a towel, Kay phoned Susan (who was elsewhere, with another PC) and the following ensued
Kay: (Texts back) "I'm in a room with a naked guy and Bertha and I have clothes on"
GM: "Is that a cry for help or bragging?"