Funny / New Vindicators

The Oubliette-verse might be full of soap opera craziness, but sometimes there are funny gems to make you crack up.

  • NVAE #15, over in Oubliette-1127, some initial setbacks in trying to expose Prince Oscar get Magnitude, Greystone, the Drifter and the Farouks thrown into the dungeon. Due to the Astral Plane connection of this prison, Gabriel and Gabrielle start freaking out, then something comes out of the shadows.
Gabriel: [panicking] "Who's there?"
That something: "You want to know who I am? I am He Who Is Called 'That One Guy'; Nemesis of the Number Four; Grand Herald of the Letter 'M'; The Most Sought-After Dog Trainer in the Western Panhandle; Honorary Chairman of the Andrew Koening Fan Club; Brobdingnagian Emperor of the Lilliputians; He Who Used the Last Kleenex; Wielder of the Mighty Stalactite of Justice; Sole Survivor of the Flemish Royal Navy; Cat Owner; Toucher of More Boobs Than You; and Just a Darn Good Fellow, Esquire. But you can call me Warden Bulwark."

  • And when Greystone tells him to stop talking for a moment.
Warden Bulwark:: "I hear what you're saying, yes. You make some very valid points. Before we sit down to discuss these matters, does anyone have a glove?"
The Drifter: "I did, but they took my bag."
Warden Bulwark: "Well, when in need..." [snaps his left hand off at the wrist and slaps Greystone across the face with it] "You have insulted my honor, sir! I demand satisfaction!"

  • In NVAE #19: Love Connection, Mike Mitchell is kidnapped by Crux and subjected to some terrible stuff. (Thanks to Martin, he got better.)

What becomes black humor and Crosses the Line Twice occurs in NVAE #21: Double Dare when Lex finally learns about this from Doug Droll.

Lex: "Okay, I'll bite, what happened to Mike?" [lowers voice] "He didn't uh, get something from Thorn did he?"
Doug: "You know that guy who tried to grab her that night? The one you and Violet stopped? He joined some group of NS haters. They grabbed Mike and they cut off his... What's the word? C-something?"
Lex: "They cut off his cock?!"
[All activity in the cafeteria comes to a grinding halt.]
Doug: [utterly embarrassed] "No, his, uh... I mean, the other C-word. Cat rations?"
Lex: "The other C word? Uh... Mike is a guy.... 'sides even I don't use the other C word." [shifts uncomfortably] "My Mom gets mad if I swear. But she would, like, literally castrate me if caught me using the C word!"
Doug: "Castrate! That's it! That's the word!"
Lex: "They cut off his balls?!"

  • A group project turns sour with Rose and Lexus on the same team. Hilarity Ensues.

    • How it starts...
Rose: "Napoleon wasn't French?"
Lexus: "I read that he may have been Italian-Corsican."
Rose: "No."
Lexus: "Yeah, it's just a theory-"
Rose: "He wasn't an Italian. Nope. Not possible. Napoleon was born in Ajaccio! France! He's French!"
Lexus: "Ajaccio is on the island of Corsica," Lexus said. "He was born the year after France bought the island from Italy. His family was Italian. 'Napoleon di Buonaparte'?"
Rose: "Nope! Nope, nope, nope!"
Lexus: "Sorry."
Rose: "Yeah, well... well, I read that... that Hitler was really... really... whatever the hell you are!"
Lexus: "Hitler was half-Turkish, half-Scottish?"
Rose: "Y-yeah!"
Lexus: "Well, that just explains so much."

  • Gwyn tries to get it back on track...
Violet: "Don't be so defensive, Rose. If anything, you should be a lot more embarrassed about Mussolini."
Gwyn: "That's bad form, Vi. Most nations have had violent conqueror leaders at some point-yew don't see me moaning about Edward the First every time you or Ellen walk into a room."
Rose: "Why would we be embarrassed about Mussolini? He was a great man. Under him there was no crime, the mafia was almost eradicated, we had political stability... Il Duce was a hero."
Gwyn: "This report is about Napoleon and what he did, not where he was born. Now if we can work together out there to fight thieves and killers, we can get this done. Shall we crack on?"
Lexus: "Actually, I'm curious about this whole 'Mussolini was a hero' thing... Actually, you know what? This explains a lot about Rose."
Rose: "What's that supposed to mean?"