If You Ever Do Anything to Hurt Her...
The one true manly way to concede defeat for the girl's heart is to tell the winner that, if he ever screws up, he should expect an ass-kicking of epic proportions. Usually uttered by (or sometimes to) The Lancer
or The Rival
This establishes that the loser:
- Realizes he has lost.
- Does not give up his role as male protector or lose face for losing
- Is decent enough to want the girl to be happy, only expressed in a guy way.
- Is holding the winner to a very high standard.
The manly and gracious thing for the winner to do is to accept this statement. "I would be disappointed if you didn't." This is not
(usually) an insult or a threat, but an agreement between guys who both want the same girl to be happy.
This can also be said by a parent
or older brother
of the girl, who is relinquishing their previous role as "main male protector."
While this is generally a male-character trope
, there are exceptions (sorted by gender in the examples).
And yes, an asskicking of epic proportions will
follow should any betrayal occur.
Male Warning Male
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Anime and Manga
- How about a male-warning-gay (well, bi) male example? Hiro, Shuichi's best friend, warns Yuki against making Shuichi cry any more than he already does in Gravitation.
- This phrase is often repeated by Ryoga in Ranma ½. Odd thing is that he backs up this claim more than once, and often when it just looks like he did something. Also unusual in that Ryoga hasn't given Akane up yet, nor has he really been beaten.
- One Piece: Genzo, Nami's father-figure, to Luffy at the end of the Arlong Arc.
- In Shin-chan, Georgie gets this warning from Shin, even though Hima is too young for him to be interested.
- In Adachi Mitsuru's H2, Miyoshi says this to Hiro about Koga. However, Miyoshi is just trying to throw Hiro off, so that he can make a move on Koga.
- Though he'd apply to anyone, Hitsugaya Toshiro reminded Ichimaru Gin that should he spill one drop of blood from Hinamori Momo, he'll kill him in instant. Subverted when through Aizen's trickery, Hitsugaya ended up IMPALING Hinamori with his own sword.
- Medaka Box: Medaka's older brother Maguro tells Zenkichi that he'll keep Medaka away from him if he doesn't have what it takes to protect her. Later, he expresses regret for saddling such a responsibility on him.
- In The Vision of Escaflowne, after Hitomi has won Van's affections, Merle tells her this as means of getting her to choose between Van and Allen so that she can stop giving Van grief over the Love Triangle.
- In Yu Gi Oh ZEXAL, Tetsuo gives this speech to Yuma when a rumor is spread that Rio (who Tetsuo has a crush on) and Yuma are an item. Being a Chaste Hero, Yuma has no idea what he is talking about.
- In Fruits Basket, when Kakeru asks Yuki how he'd react if he told him that he had a crush on Tohru, the latter coolly responds that it's none of his business, but warns Kakeru that hurting Tohru is "the one thing I could never forgive."
- Tag-team variant: in the comic Excalibur, Brian and Kurt (Captain Britain and Nightcrawler) warn teammate Pete Wisdom that if he hurts Kitty (fellow teammate Shadowcat) in any way, they'd rip his head off, desecrate it with graffiti, and drop it in the middle of the English Channel.
- Wolverine performs the brotherly version in the X-Men comics, after Gambit returns to the team following the blowup about his past misdeeds, warning Gambit that if he hurts Rogue again, he and Logan are going to have some sharp, pointy, adamantium words.
- An early '80s X-Men comic has Wolverine intending to beat some sense into Colossus after the latter breaks up with Kitty Pryde, but Wolvie settles for getting Colossus involved in a Bar Brawl... with The Juggernaut.
- He does this again (though a platonic version) with Cable, a former rival, when he realizes that Cable means a lot to Jean, who'd just spent several years raising baby-cable in the distant future. "Far as I'm concerned, the slate's clean between us. Just one thing. If you ever break that girl's heart, I'm gonna finish what I started in Madripoor."
- In X-Men, he does it again at Scott and Jean's wedding in more subtle way. He says to Scott that better if he make Jean happy or "I'll find you anywhere.", whlie cutting a piece of wedding cake with his claws.
- Batman does this to Superman of all people at the end of in the DCAU's 'World's Finest' movie. Bruce Wayne has spent much of the film dating Lois Lane, who calls it off after finding out his secret. Right before he leaves Bruce tells Clark "She's all yours now, if you can handle that. But you'd better be good to her, 'cause I know where you live." The look on Clark/Superman's face is priceless.
- In Lilly Epilogue Family Matters, Mr. Satou, having finally conceded that Hisao is a good match for Lilly, says that he has connections to hunt him down if he does anything to harm her. Hisao wonders if he actually does have those kinds of resources at his disposal.
- In Earth and Sky, when Big Macintosh notices that Applejack and Apple Bloom are developing attractions to Soarin' and Pipsqueak (respectfully), he takes the latter two aside for a talk, and casually mentions that he doesn't like it when anypony upsets his sisters... and also that he can crush rocks the size of a stallion's head with his bare hooves. Soarin' is suitably scared, but Pip completely misses the point of the conversation. Pip does eventually get it... twenty-eight chapters later.
- In I Won't Say, Light makes it obvious that he has a crush on L but after Mello learns that L feels the same way he takes it upon himself to give Light this warning and he manages to be quite intimidating for a 14-year old kid.
- In A Pseudo-Pseudo Suzu Route, Suzu wakes up from a narcolepsy-induced nap and eavesdrops on her best friend Miki who was saying this to Hisao.
"I was starting to get worried about her for a while, but she's cheered up a lot since you've been hanging out with us. I like that. Suzu is like a little sister to me. And if I find out you've made my little sister cry..."
- Mines of Dragon Mountain: When Fire Dazzler tells the Doctor he has gotten a crush on Twilight Sparkle, the Doctor decides to allow it, although he does give him this little warning.
"If you are indeed going to try and pursue a relationship with my good dear friend Twilight, do take her feelings into consideration. She's a little... awkward socially. If you in some way... distress her, I will make you very, very sorry... forever. Compris?"
- In the Harry Potter AU Paradise Lost Harry warns Viktor Krum when he starts dating Hermione:
Harry: Hello, Krum. While I know that I'm probably going out of bounds with this, but I just wanted to let you know that Hermione is my best mate—she's like a sister to me. So if you hurt her in any way, I'll not only hex your balls off, but I'll also make the rest of your life a living hell. Just so you know—for future reference.
- This fanfic has a genderbent Harry laying down the law to Krum when he makes it clear he wants to pursue Hermione. To his credit, he takes it all in stride and agrees with her.
"You see… I am quite fond of Hermione. I understand that you have become attached to her, and if you want to be with her, we need to get some things straight. One; you will never be good enough in my eyes for her. No one will, however, I may come to accept the fact that you are with her if you kiss my arse enough. Two; Hurt her, I murder you. Three; Be nice to her friends—all of them. Her friends mean a lot to her. Four; Don't you ever ask her to choose between her friends and you, and don't even think about making her choose between her studies and you.
"I have a Basilisk, and I am not afraid to introduce you to him," Harry finished. Throughout the entire thing, she kept her tone pleasant, conversational. As if she were remarking about the weather."
- Those Who Stand for Nothing Fall for Anything: there's an understated example when Light discovers L's new boyfriend is a CIA agent and he doesn't like him very much. Later there's a more straight up example when B promises Light that if he ever does anything to hurt L he'll put his head in a pot—possibly after it's been severed from his neck.
- Set up and subverted in Flames and Twilight, when Shining Armor gives Twilight's coltfriend Flare Blitz a friendly hug on learning that the two are dating. Double Subverted when he tells him, half-jokingly, that he will have him gelded and quarterd if he ever hurts her.
- The First Of Many:Shining to Ocean Floor (a member of the Royal Guard) when he picks up Twilight for their date:
"Should she come home in tears, or even the least bit upset about her night out, well..." He paused, for dramatic effect. "...I would suggest not coming back to the Guard tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. If you catch my drift."
- Consistently subverted in The Nyxverse. When Twilight and Ink Spot start dating in Nightmare Night and Nyx, Shining Armor gives his "obligatory big brother greeting and death threat", but shrugs it off as a joke and says he likes the guy. And when the two become engaged in Alicornundrum, Twilight's father Night Light actually refuses to do this, stating that if he thought Ink Spot was the type of guy who might hurt Twilight, he wouldn't have let them date in the first place.
- Friends Don't Let Friends involves the Hulk giving Loki this talk and threatening to smash him. A lot.
Tony: "So, it turns out, don't tell secrets to a guy with a physically manifesting subconscious."
- A Spark Of Ice And Fire has Agatha tell this to Sandor over Tysha.
- Oh God Not Again: inverted. Remus is surprised that Sirius is not going to warn him about breaking Tonks's heart. Sirius replies that Tonks is old enough to take care of herself - and that she could castrate Remus far better than he ever could.
- The page quote comes from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but there it's a bit of a subversion. Niko tells Ian he's just kidding... and then threatens him again. Over and over again, including through a cut away.
- Invoked and parodied in Last Action Hero, when Danny growls at the Big Bad when he has Madison in his clutches, "If you harm one hair on her—-" the Big Bad interrupts, "Hold!", deliberately plucks a hair out of her head, then snaps it in front of Danny, daring him to finish his threat.
- The film Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl has a more subtle example. Commodore Norrington, after learning that his fiancée loves the smith Will Turner, admires a sword that Will created and says that he expects him "to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life" as he does in his work; in the context of the conversation, it is obvious which aspect of Will's life he's referring to and the sword is inches from Will Turner's face.
- In the film Shanghai Knights, after initially objecting to the idea of a relationship between his sister Lin and Roy O'Bannon (Owen Wilson), Chon Wang (Jackie Chan) accepts it, but adds, "Break her heart, I break your legs," to which Owen replies, "That's fair."
- At the start of The Godfather, Connie Corleone (Talia Shire), sister of Sonny Corleone (James Caan), marries Carlo Rizzi (Gianni Russo). When Sonny finds out that Carlo has hit Connie, a rather lengthy beating takes place. (This was so severe that Caan actually broke two of Russo's ribs and chipped his elbow.) Later on in the film, Sonny's temper and protective nature are used against him. Carlo beats Connie, who phones Sonny in tears. While Sonny is en route to kill Carlo, he is ambushed by several men with machine guns who shoot up his car and kill him.
- It's mentioned in the book that Sonny's threat "If you touch my sister again I'll kill you!" makes everyone relax, as he'd never say that if he was willing to kill Carlo (because it could be used as evidence against him). Mind you, Sonny isn't exactly cool-headed over these things, which his enemies use to their advantage.
- In the film Sydney White, the protagonist scores a date with the current Big Man on Campus, Tyler Prince. Tyler is informed by the seven nerdy boys who share their house with Sydney that there will be severe punishment for any funny business. Of course, being nerds, this is their definition of severe punishment:
: If you try any funny stuff, I will unleash the power of the internet on you. I will register you as a sex offender in all 50 states... and Canada.
- Although, frankly, that's a very effective threat.
- In Clueless: Hey, you. Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.
- In Shallow Hal, when Hal thinks that Rosemary and Ralph are back together, Hal comes to Ralph to concede victory:
Hal: "You deserve her ..." [uncomfortably] "... more than me. But lemme tell you something, if you ever mess up and make her unhappy, I'll be waitin' in the wings. And I'll pounce on you. Like a ... tiger! Like a tiger on a deer! With a cloven hoof, with a broken ... arm!"
- In the film Something New, Kenya and Brian embark on a double date with Kenya's friend and her fiance. When the ladies excuse themselves to go dancing, the other guy tells Brian that while he likes him and he seems to be an "okay guy", he thinks of Kenya as a sister and even if not, she's his girlfriend's best friend, so Brian had better not be using Kenya as some "science experiment" (Brian is white and Kenya is black).
- Towards the end of the "Real Thing" sequence from Big The Musical, Susan's "oldest, longest, dearest" male friends casually warn Josh, "Don't hurt Susan, or we'll break your kneecaps if you do."
- Bad Boys II has one of the absolute best versions of this trope when Marcus and Mike terrorize Marcus' daughter's date. It has to be seen to be believed.
- In the extended cut of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Samwise Gamgee gives Gollum a warning about betrayal and harming Frodo when the latter becomes suspicious of what lies in Shelob's Cave.
Sam: You listen to me! You listen good and proper. Anything happens to him, you'll have me to answer to. One sniff that something's not right, one hair that stands up on the back of my neck, it's over. No more slinker, no more stinker. You're gone. Got it? I'm watching you.
- Dom make his intentions clear to Brian should he hurt Mia in any way: "You break her heart, I'll break your neck."
- The Players Club: When Blue meets Diamond's father to pick her up for a date. Her father just happens to be practicing his sharpshooting as he questions Blue about their relationship. Ending it with a subtle "Whatever you do to my daughter, I'm gonna find and do to you." and nails a bulls-eye with the gun to drive the point home.
- "I'm comin' at you with razor blades and lemon juice!"
- Subverted in Thor when Erik Selvig starts out warning Thor that he had better genuinely care about Jane, then essentially warns him to stay away from her.
Erik: I don't know if you're delusional or if you're pulling some kinda con; I don't care. I just care about her. I've seen the way she looks at you.
Thor: ...I swear to you, I mean her no harm.
Erik: Good. In that case, I'll buy you another round, and you leave town tonight.
- In the Hurog series, when Ward is told that his sister Ciarra has gotten engaged to her cousin Beckram, he tells the messenger to tell Beckram to "keep her away from the sewage system". A subtle reminder, as Ciarra fled from Beckram's bullying into the castle's sewage system at the start of the novel. Ward doesn't threaten anything, but then, last time Beckram frightened Ciarra, Ward delivered a solid blow to his face. The implication is that he would do it again.
- The Redemption of Althalus sees Deiwos warning Althalus in this way. Considering Deiwos is a god, Althalus has good reason to never think about slipping up...
- Sibyl's brother to Dorian in The Picture of Dorian Gray. He doesn't get a chance to carry out his promise.
- An unusual example in Wolf of the Plains: Temujin threatens the father of his wife-to-be with massacre of his entire clan if he beats Borte again. Note that Temujin grows up to become Genghis Khan.
- Subverted in The Mortal Instruments, when Jace prepares himself for this speech from Simon, his girlfriend Clary's protective best friend. Of course, Clary is a demon-slaying Shadowhunter.
Jace:Is this the part where you tell me if I ever do anything to hurt her, you'll kill me?
Simon:No. If you hurt Clary, she's quite capable of killing you herself. Possibly with a variety of weapons.
- Sadrao says this to Trent in Black Dogs, which is quite justified as Trent is the son of the book's Big Bad, and Sadrao is worried that the whole thing might just be some kind of dark scheme.
- In A Song of Ice and Fire, Jon Snow and Tormund Giantsbane are discussing the latter's new son-in-law. Tormund threatens him by saying that he'd rip the boy's manhood off and beat him with it if he broke his girl's heart. However, the wildlings of this story kidnap women to make their wives as a standard practice, with the acknowledgment that the woman ultimately chooses whether to stay.
Ygritte: A man can own a woman, or he can own a knife, but not both.
- At the end of White Star by Elizabeth Vaughan, Marlon, a powerful mage, gives his blessing for Orrin Blackhart to be with his daughter Evelyn. Marlon warns that if Evelyn is made unhappy, he will make Orrin's balls rot off. Orrin gulps and says those terms are acceptable.
- In the Sidney Sheldon novel Nothing Lasts Forever, Dr. Kat Hunter has been strong-armed into working for a local mobster to pay off her brother's gambling debts, taking care of his underlings. The man becomes so genuinely grateful for her help—she saves HIS life as well—that when she tells him she's engaged, he tells her "Tell him to take good care of you, or he'll answer to me." When her fiance murders her so that he can marry an heiress, the mobster fulfills his promise and has the man killed.
- In Vampire Academy, Abe Mazour, Rose's father, had one such discussion with Adrian Ivashkov when the latter dates his daughter. He truly intimidates the younger man.
- Legacy of the Force: Sacrifice: Boba Fett regarding his granddaughter Mirta Gev, to her fiance Ghes Orade.
Live Action Television
- Played for Laughs in Smallville, "Trespass". Jimmy is convinced that Chloe is leaving him for Clark and says something like that, despite there is nothing between Chloe and Clark (at least, not now...) and that even not counting his abilities, Clark is a big guy and Jimmy is kind of skinny.
- In Escape, Clark does a Nice Guy version to Oliver when he discovers that Chloe and Oliver have just been Strangled by the Red String, having a casually sexual relationship, er, about two episodes after they started mildly flirting.
- Arrow makes this funny and heartwarming in "Suicidal Tendencies". Diggle stealthily gives a short deadpan to Ray regarding Felicity, and the former's and Oliver's reactions are priceless. Later, Oliver does the same, except very subtly and in reverse.
- Uttered by Wesley to Gunn on Angel:
Wesley: I just don't want to see her hurt.
Gunn: What are you, man, her brother?
Gunn: And to add the necessary boilerplate, you ever hurt her, I'm gonna kill ya like a chicken.
: Acceptable terms.
- Huge irony that time,as Gunn soon discovers in that ep that his own actions led to her death.
- Subverted in Friends: Ross tells Chandler before his wedding to Monica that if he hurt her, he would "hunt him down, and kick his ass"... to Chandler's great amusement and laughter. Which is interesting, considering that, in a later episode, the others find it laughable that Chandler could beat Ross up.
- Of course, then in another episode, Ross and Chandler are stuck in an arm wrestling match due to being "equally weak". For the joke is that neither of those guys is remotely violent or physically threatening. Monica herself though...
- Part of the point was that if Chandler screws up, Monica can and will kick his ass before Ross even manages to punch Chandler hard once. Though there is that whole "My Sandwich" incident...
- Also played for laughs because Chandler absolutely adores Monica and would probably throw himself off a building to avoid hurting her, whereas Ross by this stage has three failed marriages and isn't in the position to tell anyone (especially a boyfriend as sweet and faithful as Chandler) not to mess up a relationship.
- Ross goes ballistic when he first finds out about Monica and Chandler until he's reassured that they're in a legitimate relationship, he gives him a Death Glare when he flirts with the pizza delivery girl, and when Chandler disappears for a second time before the wedding (although this time he WASN'T making a run for it), Ross knocks him to the ground and flat-out tells him "You're not running out on my sister!"
- When Phoebe is about to get married, Joey tries to do this routine with her fiancee (and, of course, goes completely over the top with his invoked Overprotective Dad-type performance), until the increasingly confused husband-to-be gives the standard "if I did anything to hurt her, I'd take revenge on myself" response. Joey says that was all he wanted to hear, and warms up to him immediately.
- 8 Simple Rules for dating my daughter: #6."I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no-one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry."
- Another good one is # 4: "I'm sure you've been told in today's world, sex, without using a 'barrier method' of some kind, can kill you... let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you."
- A non-romantic version occurs in an episode of Scrubs: J.D's feckless and goofy older brother, acknowledging that his brother will never look up to him but admires Dr. Cox intensely, warns Cox in perfect seriousness to take his responsibility as J.D's mentor more seriously, "or you'll have me to answer to."
- When Elliot is following Dr Cox's bad advice on getting Jake's interest ("First you engage him, then you ignore him"), the Janitor swoops down on a bewildered Jake to demand "What did you say to make Eliot run off like that? Because it you hurt her..." The Janitor would later kidnap Keith to make the same point (as a "wedding gift").
- Used in The Office, (US Version) in "Phyllis gets Married", where Michael Scott says to Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration: "If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you." Bob Vance replies with, "If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you."
- In another episode, Michael goes to prank the Utica branch after learning that Stanley wants to transfer.
Michael: If you harm a hair on Stanley's head, I will burn Utica to the ground.
- Since parental threats are allowed, we can't forget (president) Jed Bartlet's on The West Wing:
President Josiah Bartlet: Just remember these two things: she's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
- Queer as Folk features one (gay) man warning his (idealistic) close friend's new love interest: "If you break his heart, I will break your face. Now if you'll excuse me, they're playing my song."
- Noah's Arc: Ricky says this verbatim to Wade regarding Noah (and means every word of it).
- In The Mentalist episode "Bloodshot", Rigsby delivers this warning to Grace's new boyfriend, who takes it gracefully and assures Rigsby he'll treat her well. Immediately subverted when he kicks Rigsby to the ground and beats him into unconsciousness—turns out he's the episode's bad guy, who's been using Grace to get access to CBI.
- The Drew Carey Show:
: (to Drew) If you hurt my sister, they will never find any piece of you. Not even your glasses. Remember: I'm a janitor.
I know how to dispose of things.
- That '70s Show has Eric threaten Casey Kelso with "If you make her cry, I'm coming right back here to kick your ass". Which, considering who is involved, is quite the threat.
- An episode of Bones when Hodgins was about to marry Angela had Angela's father warning Jack: "I've got caaars and I've got guitaaars. And I've got guns. Treat my little girl right, and you'll only see the business end of the caaaaars and the guitaaaaaaars."
- Inverted with Booth telling Bones' brother that if he broke her heart again, he would hurt him. And knowing Booth, he would and could carry out that promise.
- Angela's father does follow through on his promise, although without guns he just strands the guy in a desert and gives him a permanent tattoo of Angela. This is even after Angela tells him that they both called off the wedding.
- Star Trek: The Next Generation. When Vash says she wants to go off and see the universe with Q, Picard makes him guarantee her safety in payment for saving Q's life in an earlier episode (Well even Picard could hardly threaten an omnipotent being).
- In ER, during Abby and Luka's wedding, Lucien, who is rather fond of Abby, goes up to Luka and warns him if he ever hurt Abby, he would kill him. Which Luka, who was busy trying to find Abby and knows that Lucien is quite drunk, absently gave him an "all right".
- Occurs in the True Blood season one episode "Cold Ground" when Sam confronts Bill.
Sam: Anything happens to Sookie, I promise... I'll be sharpening a stake with your name on it.
- In Chuck, after Morgan starts openly dating Casey's daughter, Casey grudgingly lets the relationship continue, but warns Morgan that if he breaks her heart, Casey will "break [his] everything." Surprisingly, this does not happen more often, even from such people as Sarah's father or her ex (probably because Bryce knows Chuck is a good man).
- In The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Uncle Phil (of course), Will, and even nerdy Carlton have displayed this attitude towards nearly all of Ashley's dates.
- Beverly Hills 90210. Dylan warns Brenda's fiance Stuart about this. Rather hypocritical considering that Dylan himself broke Brenda's heart.
- Parks and Recreation Leslie's friends and co-workers make it very clear to Ben not to hurt her or else.
- In Psych Lassiter has a truly epic moment delivering one of these. At first unwilling to accept that Juliet was dating Shawn, he eventually closed himself and Shawn in a small room, hooked himself up to a polygraph and then said that if Shawn screwed up he would shoot him. Cut to the polygraph needle showing that he is telling the truth.
- In Downton Abbey, Lord Grantham agrees to let Tom Branson marry his daughter, but warns:
- At the end of the Sports Night episode "Sally", Casey has a conversation with Gordon that starts out sounding like this, until the reveal that Gordon is already cheating on Dana — and Casey knows about it.
- Supernatural has a subversion when Dean talks to a guy who is interested in his young friend Krissy:
Dean: "Aiden. Listen, there's something I want to tell you about Krissy..."
Dean: "No, no. No, she'll kill you." [pats Aiden on the back] "Good luck."
- Defiance: After learning of their relationship, Nolan tells Tommy that if he ever hurts Irisa, he'll get his answer to if there is a God... in person.
- Glory in the Thunder: Artificial Human Evren warns Hayr concerning her little sister. Katarosi places down one of these ultimatums regarding herself, when she is forced into marriage by political circumstance.
- The Rodney Atkins song "Come on in Boy" seems to avert this at first, as the girl's father merely tells her date how much his daughter means to him and that "she deserves the best." However the last line in the chorus the father promises he'll see them when they get back, as he'll be up "still cleaning this gun."
- The basis for the song "Welcome to the Family" by Little Big Town is a man detailing to his new brother-in-law how scary his family is.
Brother, here's some brotherly advice
If you know what's good for you'll treat her right
'Cause Grandpa's the local sherriff, yeah, he's the judge and the jury too
Uncle Bill's the undertaker, son he'll dig a hole for you
Cousin Jesse, he's just crazy, he'll fight you just for fun
Mama's got a real bad temper, and Daddy's got a shotgun
- Tom F. Wilson in his Daughter Song.
- A musical implied variant (sort of "Male Reassuring Female"), the song "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by Journey includes the lines "If he ever hurts you / True love won't desert you".
Stand Up Comedy
- Christopher Titus during his "LOVE IS EVOL" special mentions telling his new younger girlfriend's father that he'd take care of her. Her father, a Vietnam Veteran Marine Pilot, basically tells him, if he doesn't, "One Shot, One Kill". Later he jokes about how his body would be found over four states and he says that her brother, a federal agent, says, "There won't be a body."
If you touch her, or hurt her, or make her sad, I'm going to hurt you twice as bad.
- Bill Engvall's segment of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, to a boy who has come to take out his daughter:
"Boy? Look at me. See that girl over there? She's my only daughter, man. She's my life. And if you have any thoughts about huggin' or kissin'... you remember these words. I got no problem going back to prison."
- The whole point of "She's My Sister" in the musical Memphis. The show is set in 1950s America, and in this particular song Delray, an African-American club owner, warns Caucasian Radio DJ Huey Calhoun just how much danger he's putting his little sister in by being involved with her in a time when interracial relationships were illegal.
- In Mass Effect 2:
- After re-recruiting Tali, you'll get an email from the quarian Admiralty Board saying (in somewhat formal diplomat-speak) "She's with you now. You're her captain, so what you say goes. Don't screw up or you'll have the whole fleet on your ass." note Only at the end of the email does it say that the message is from Tali's father specifically. Bonus points since Tali is one of male!Shepard's possible Love Interests. Becomes Harsher in Hindsight on Tali's loyalty mission, when you discover Tali's father has died in the interim, because he was recklessly playing with AI soldiers, so that he could retake the quarian homeworld for her.
- If Shepard is romancing Liara, Aethyta gives him/her a veiled threat to this effect.
- In one of the flashbacks in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, Ezio gives one of these to Manfredo, the man who his lover Christina became engaged to while he was off in Tuscany hunting the Pazzis.
- Discussed and parodied with Guybrush and a human LeChuck in Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 2: The Siege of Spinner Cay:
Guybrush: If you did anything to hurt Elaine while I was gone, I swear I'll—
LeChuck: The only thing I did to Elaine was to pull her from the freezing water along with a bunch of wet, screaming monkeys!
Guybrush: [smiles] Actually, that kinda sounds like our honeymoon!
- In Dragon Age II, if Hawke romanced Fenris, then romanced Anders, you get this banter.
Fenris: You are...living with Hawke now?
Anders: What's it to you?
Fenris: Be good to him/her. Break his/her heart, and I will kill you.
- Becomes Harsher in Hindsight when Anders' actions in the last act come to light, especially if Hawke was trying to maintain neutrality.
- From Least I Could Do when Rayne realises Archie and Issa are serious about each other:
- Sir Kehydius to Sir Tristram in this Arthur, King of Time and Space strip.
- In The Phoenix Requiem, Robyn does it to Jonas in this strip.
- In the webcomic Archipelago, shortly after declaring his love to Alice, Riley meets her five brothers. They are not impressed, especially since Riley is half-wereshark, a race almost universally hated. Alice manages to reconcile them, but the eldest pintur still gives Riley this touching farewell speech.
- An epic variation appears in Girl Genius, with Gil threatening a political rival instead of a romantic rival:
: I do not intend to have Agatha escape one prison by entering another. She will not be used as a political pawn. She will not be enslaved "For the good of the empire". You knew me at school, and perhaps didn't take me very seriously. That would be a mistake. You must understand this. When I come to her, she will be safe, unharmed and free. Because I will come to her. And if she is not, I will destroy "Her Undying Majesty", melt what is left of your miserable island to slag and boil the seas around it for the next thousand years! Do you understand? Wooster
: You...you couldn't! Gil
: Couldn't?! Couldn't?! I am Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, little man! There is nothing I couldn't do, had I cause! (quiets down) And now, now I have one. Do. You. Understand? Wooster
: Yes, Ohgod yes! Yes, Master!
- Girls Next Door gave us one where Erik warns Raoul ... which gets subverted quickly because the effect is not the same over Skype, Erik being the Murder Is the Best Solution type and Christine standing right behind him.
- Although there's no spoken dialogue, it's probably safe to infer that this happens in some form in There she is!!, from Il-ho to Nabi. Even without the words there, the emotional context is definitely present. He carries through with the threat part in Step 4, attacking Nabi for breaking up with Doki and breaking her heart, then they begrudgingly come to terms in Step 5 when Il-ho gives Nabi the second ticket to Paradise so that he can follow Doki, but Nabi rips it up, indicating he's done running from his problems. The Jjintta then help him race to the airport.
Female Warning Male
- A Real Life example, President Barack Obama once noted that his pre-teen daughters were fans of Boy Band the Jonas Brothers, but added "Boys, don't get any ideas. I have two words for you: Predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking." Of course he was joking—it was a White House Correspondents' Association dinner, so joking is traditional—but as the Senator from Minnesota might put it, perhaps the First Dad was "kidding on the square" a little bit there.
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Anime and Manga
- In Death Note, the Shinigami Rem who seems to be female threatens to kill Light if his schemes do anything to hurt Misa.
- Light being Light, he manipulates Rem into carrying this threat out on someone else. Just as planned.
- Tokyo Babylon: Hokuto, Subaru's sister, threatens Seishiro to kill him if he'll ever make her brother cry, and goes as far as threatening him with a kitchen knife when Subaru isn't there.
- In Kimagure Orange Road, Madoka often warns Kyosuke to not make his sort-of girlfriend Hikaru cry. Problem is, Kyousuke cares for Hikaru yet is in love with Madoka... and Madoka also falls for him, despite her efforts to aid Hikaru and her own reluctance to admit it. In the anime, it didn't end well. This also applies to the local Chew Toy, Yuusaku, who loves Hikaru despite her rejecting him often and constantly warns Kyosuke to not hurt either her or Madoka.
- Indirectly delivered in Cardcaptor Sakura; after confessing her love to Yukito and being turned down, Sakura wishes him luck with her older brother Touya, and tells Yukito that if Touya ever hurts him, she'll beat him up for Yukito.
- Shortly after Takayuki and Haruka hook up in the first episode of Rumbling Hearts, Haruka's best friend Mitsuki warns him not to string Haruka along, or she'll make him regret it...violently, if necessary.
- In the Death Note AU Ragnarok Misa warns L:
Misa: Hello, Mr. Great Detective! Play nice with Raito-kun; he's a genius but a bit difficult. Oh, and if anything happens to Raito while he is under L's care, Misa-Misa will destroy him if it is the last thing she does!
- In Weekend at Hisao's, Hisao gets into an argument with his girlfriend Shizune. After they get back to his house, Shizune texts her best friend Misha, who is also in love with her, although her feelings are not requited, and she angrily calls Hisao, demanding to know what happened and delivering this warning.
Misha: "I TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF SHIICHAN! IF YOU'RE CHEATING ON HER OR MAKING HER CRY, I'M GOING TO FLY DOWN THERE AND KICK YOU IN THE BUTT SO HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT RIGHT FOR A MONTH!"
- From Halcyon Hearts. When Princess Celestia meets Twilight's boyfriend, a recently paroled convict named Blaze, she takes him outside and tells him about the "Sun Run", a now defunct method of execution.
Celestia: Now, obviously, we don’t practice such barbaric tactics in modern times. But if, say, somepony were to get me angry enough, through, let’s say, upsetting a pony I love like she was my own child, I might be tempted, in a moment of irrational thought, to revive the punishment.” She looked at him carefully. “Do we understand each other?
Blaze, (in a tiny voice): Yes.
Lily: Mayn't I?
Catherine: No, you may not!
Lily: Very well then, (turns to Riley) but if you are unpleasant to Catherine I will throw you in the ocean.
Live Action Television
- In Smallville, Devoted, Lois Lane warns Clark to never break Chloe's heart. Luckily for him, he did all the heartbreaking before Lois arrived.
- Chloe returns the favour once Lois starts expressing interest in Clark, although she is much nicer about it, with no threats, just "I'm speaking from experience when I say the third point always hurts" and "please don't slam my cousin in the door".
- She is less friendly in Echo when she finds out Clark has been abusing his temporary mind reading ability to get Lois on a date.
- In Fragile, when Chloe finds out Lex is after Lana.
Chloe: I know you're used to getting whatever you want without even thinking about the consequences, but I promise you if you hurt my friend, there will be a consequence. And you're looking at her.
- The pilot episode of Dharma and Greg: Dharma's friend, upon meeting Greg for the first time, warns him that "she'll bring him pain he can't even imagine" if he hurts Dharma.
- From Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Willow: Have fun! And remember, if you hurt her, I'll beat you to death with a shovel.
Riley: [pulls questioning face]
Willow: [matter-of-fact-ly] A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
- That's probably the real reason Riley left town immediately after the breakup.
- From "Beneath You":
Dawn: Spike. You sleep, right? You. Vampires. You sleep.
Spike: Yeah. What's your point, niblet?
Dawn: Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire.
- Drake from Drake & Josh had to deal with this from his Sadist Teacher Mrs. Hayfer as he was dating her daughter, threatening that "If you break her heart, I'll break you." Though getting sick of his date's bad laughing habit, he struggles throughout the whole episode figuring out a way to break up with her without invoking Mrs. Hayfer's wrath.
- In ER, Carol Hathaway's mother is not happy upon hearing that her daughter is engaged to Doug Ross, as he treated her horribly during their first relationship (cheating on her frequently). As Carol walks away, her mother declares, "He will regret the day he was BORN if he hurts you again."
- Good Luck Charlie has one when Teddy tells her parents that she's dating her ex boyfriend Spencer again—who she broke up with because he cheated on her. Teddy's mom gives her blessing and then says "If you ever hurt my little girl again... BAM!!"
- In The Golden Girls, Dorothy gives a speech to her daughter's husband (who she is getting back together with after he has cheated on her) about not wanting her daughter to be hurt. When he promises that it won't happen again, she takes his hand and replies that if it does, that she will "break every bone in [his] hand". Stan adds, "Keep it zipped buddy, she's not kidding."
- Mara pulled this on Jerome in House of Anubis, warning her that she'll go after him if he ever breaks Joy's heart. Justified, in that he had cheated on Mara herself earlier in the season and she didn't want to let Joy get hurt. Jerome was good natured about it and agreed with the threat.
- In the Grimm episode "The Good Soldier", Rosalee's sister - who's just met her sister's long-term partner for the first time, and spent most of that meeting being too angry with Rosalee to speak to him - sneaks up behind him while voged, and snarls this at him. He's understandably taken aback.
- In the third Jak and Daxter game, after Tess gives a new BFG to Jak, and tells him that she wants him to protect "her little baby" (Daxter) with it, or else she'll "hunt him down and hurt him REAL BAD."
- Isabela will give this warning to a Hawke romancing Merrill. Since Isabela only really distrusts men, female Hawkes just get the warning without the threat.
Isabela: I get the feeling that girl's messing in something big and dangerous. Look out for her, will you? Make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Oh, and if you do anything nasty to her, I'll cut off your balls.
- In Mass Effect 3, Liara T'soni is a romance option for a Shepard of either gender. Liara's species is mono-gendered and female. Her father is therefore a woman, Matriarch Aethyta. Aethyta and Shepard are capable of each threatening each other with one of these, using the exact words, "Nobody messes with my girl." Aethyta responds to such a threat by chuckling, then saying, "Maybe you're good enough for her after all."
- One Buzz Feed video explains the awkward situations new couples experience at parties. One female friend threatens to castrate the male if her hurts the girl. This is both Played for Laughs and deconstructed since it is every bit as random, awkward, and creepy as it would seem in Real Life.
Male Warning Female
- Avatar: The Last Airbender season 3 has an scary, though non-romantic, example: When Zuko is accepted into the Gaang, Katara corners him and makes it clear that the first time he gives her any reason to believe that he will return to his old ways or try to hurt Aang, she will not hesitate to kill him on the spot.
- In Wonder Woman, when Steve Trevor asks Artemis what Wonder Woman's deal is, she replies
Artemis: Her deal is that I will personally castrate you if you come within five yards of her.
- In an episode of Drawn Together, Princess Clara hits Captain Hero with a poison dart and tells him that if he shows her cousin Bleh a good time, she will give him the antidote.
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- In DC Nation, Victor Stone gave this speech to Aurora when she started dating Gar. After Aurora shared a mind with Gar's batshit ex (Terra), she concluded that Vic was understating the warning.
- In Heart Of Steel, Arthur (a nominally male artificial intelligence) has a little heart-to-processor talk with Julia during which he reveals that he knows that while Alistair is utterly in love with her and her presence has made Alistair very happy, she has tried to escape at least once, and "if you break his heart, I will disassemble you without hesitation."
Live Action Television
- Ratheel of Juathuur warns Veithel. It's a failure of epic proportions.
Female Warning Female
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Anime and Manga
- Vision of Escaflowne has Merle, Van's Cat Girl Unlucky Childhood Friend, deliver this to Hitomi after she decides that she'll stop trying to fight fate over Van's obvious crush on Hitomi.
- The Tower of Druaga has an inversion of sorts. After Kaaya's and Neeba's betrayal, Fatina, who previously had a crush on Neeba, gets over him and shifts her affections to Neeba's half-brother Jil. Unfortunately for her, Jil never gets over Kaaya. After the two make up, Fatina slaps Kaaya as a punishment for previously breaking Jil's heart.
- In Puella Magi Madoka Magica, a non-romantic variety occurs; when Sayaka is refusing to cleanse her Soul Gem, and thus effectively commit suicide, Homura warns her that if she intends to do something like that or otherwise causes suffering to Madoka, she will kill her.
- Equestria Chronicles has Fireflare, who both gets warned and gives the warning on seperate occasions.
- In Address Unknown, Applejack and Rainbow Dash both warn Derpy to be careful around Twilight. In this case they're referring to her track record as a Walking Disaster Area.
- Scar Tissue: After their Cat Fight in chapter 12 Rei warned Asuka that if she hurt Shinji again, she would kill her. Asuka's answer was: "I know that."
- In Star Wars like a train on a track, an interesting variation occurs where Jaina Solo asks her aunt-to-be Mara Jade to make sure that her uncle Luke never stops smiling. Mara then reveals that Jaina's mother Leia also had this conversation with her earlier.
- Watts to Amanda Jones in Some Kind of Wonderful: "You break his heart, I break your face." In the end, Amanda realizes that Watts's feelings are more genuine than hers and graciously concedes.
- DEBS (2004). Just before Amy and Lucy run off together, Amy's partner Max gives Lucy a warning.
Max: If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Lucy: [smiles] Deal.
- Red has Victoria warning Sara, while looking through her sniper rifle's scope.
Victoria: So if you break his heart, I will kill you. And bury your body in the woods.
- Subverted somewhat in that Victoria has no interest in Frank romantically; she's just speaking as a friend.
- In Meg Cabot's Missing series, Jess warns her brother's girlfriend "if you break his heart, I'll break your face." When her other brother begins dating her best friend, she repeats the same warning to her brother.
- In Arcadia Snips, meets Williams grandmother and gets threatened with "mechanical armageddon" if she breaks his heart.
Live Action Television
- The song "Seven" by Vagiant has a variation where a girl warns her ex that she will beat up any girl who hurts him (which isn't really a fair warning, but whatever).
And I'm gonna protect you till I die
I won't let nobody hurt you again
I'll fuck up your next girlfriend if she breaks your heart
- In Worm, Aisha gives Taylor this warning when she starts a relationship with Aisha's older brother Brian, describing in detail the manner in which she will torture Taylor with her powers (Aisha's power gives her a Perception Filter that she can turn on and off at will, making her very good at Gaslighting) if she does anything wrong.
- Once on Ben 10, Gwen chews out Ben's crush Kai for insulting him: "He's a person, not a pet! You can't talk to my cousin like that! Only ''I'' can talk to my cousin like that!" Entirely non-romantic in context.
- Danny Phantom: Sam does this to Paulina when the latter sees Danny change forms in the episode "Lucky in Love."