Jo Brand: Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it - but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Clive James's show with you [pointing at Stephen] and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously!
Alan Davies: [wearily] That was a dream. You've got to sort these out.
Another great collaboration as Dara was relating his early piano lessons:
Dara Ó Briain: Left and right for me was always, erm — just maybe because I learnt them at the same time was the hand that played the "dun dun dun dun" on the piano— and this was the melody hand.
Alan Davies: [aside to Jo] Look at him with his tough working class background.
Jo Brand: Oh, I know!
Dara's answer is also worth mentioning.
Dara: I had to play piano to get out of the ghetto- you don't know how hard it was! I had to play piano hard, my friend!
There's a great one when Stephen introduces the round on phrenology/physiognomy by asking how he could tell Alan is a criminal just by looking at him. Jo abruptly says, "Is it the shifty little eyes, pointy nose and just general sort of little pug face?" and then cracks up all on her own while the audience gasps at Alan's stricken expression.
Alan: Never seen you happier! Never seen you happier! That's the happiest I've ever seen you! Phill: That one's been building up for twenty years! Alan: "Someday I'm really gonna tell you what I think of you! When will that opportunity arise?"
He's vindicated somewhat a bit later when all their "readings" turn out to be equally bad and Jo's describes her as, among other things, "venerous."
All the buzzers are pretty funny, with Alan's being the kicker at the end; see for yourself - A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, and J.
On the moon:
Stephen Fry: How many moons does the Earth have?
[extremely long pause - everyone knows exactly what's coming]
Alan Davies: [buzz!][resignedly] The Earth has one moon, which is made of cheese.
Alan Davies: But it has got one moon! It's called The Moon!
Then in the next season, when the same question is asked again, Alan says 'two' and the klaxon sounds because three more moons were apparently discovered. And while we're on the subject of Mr. Davies and cosmology:
Pluto and Bangkok don't exist or something! I'm scared to go out!
And let's not leave out Rich's comeback line (after complaining that the second-moon fact was bullshit) — at the end of the episode, they were asked what manmade object can be seen from the moon, leading up to a correction of the Great Wall myth. And Rich says: "Which moon are we talkin' about?"
He has since made this a stock response whenever Stephen asks a question about the moon while he is on the programme. In Series I, however, he asks it, and it sets the klaxon off. His reaction is priceless.
Two more from the initial talk:
Rich: Who comes up with this shit?
And Stephen's exasperated answer when asked why there hasn't been a song made about the second moon.
Stephen: Because it was discovered in NINETEEN-NINETY-FUCKING-FOUR!
The lead up complaint to this is quite funny as well:
Jeremy Hardy: The song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone", not "with a small friend"!
Every time Bill Bailey smokes a biro.
The gag ran so long that for the Series G episode "Green" he brought in an actual pipe.
Pretty much every episode Phill Jupitus appears in will have one moment that reduces the viewer to uncontrollable laughter.
Phill: Thanks for that. "How big is it?" [as Stephen] "Oh, very. If I was to quantify its bigness would be doing it a disservice! To say just how bigly big, the vastly big bigness of the dripping thing..." I want feet, meters, anything! Throw me a f***ing bone, Fry!
The above exchange resulted from a question concerning where one would find the world's biggest drip. When Stephen initially asked the question, the viewscreens displayed a picture of a smiling Hugh Laurie, to Stephen's dismay.
Stephen: Oi! No!
From the same episode, Stephen talks about prison slang from when he was in jail as a teenager.
Phill: I swear I'm getting an erection.
Or this one, if only for the way Stephen gets suckered into proving Phill's point:
Phill: No one has a kettle like that! Where do you plug in that... Look at it! We don't all live in a fluffy-duffy Dickensian world of charm like you![as Fry] "Oh, there goes the kettle, and on the Aga!"
Stephen: [stuffily] It's a perfectly sensible way of cooking food and preparing meals —
Phill: [breaks down laughing]
Stephen: — and it keeps the kitchen warm! It's —
Phill: [laughs again] No wonder fucking Twinings had you, pal!
When Stephen names the units that shoe sizes are measured in (barleycorns), Phill imagines walking into a shoe store and using this information.
It's been theorized that (at least recently) Phill has been using QI as an opportunity to vent some of his frustrations with stupid contestants on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, which is why he seems to have so much fun on the show. For instance, if you look at the airdate of "Fingers and Fumbs", in which is possibly his funniest single QI appearance, it was most likely filmed around the time that Phill was filming the NMTB episode with Dappy.
As revealed in the "making of QI" special Phill likes to flirt with Stephen because it tends to throw him off and Phill really enjoys watching Stephen squirm a bit.
Any episode with Johnny Vegas in. Even if you hate him, you have to realise the genius of it.
Rob Brydon's appearances in general. In particular:
Stephen: Rob, what is the difference between a Carlisle Surprise, a Reverse Canterbury Pleasure, and a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?
Rob: Now this is another example of the institutionalised racism which is accepted when it's directed towards the Welsh. Is this a reference to the joke "what is a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?" "It's a leisure centre." [audience starts to laugh] No. No. [points at Rich Hall] And you, no. [points at Stephen] And you, no. [points at Alan Davies] And you...no.
Rob Brydon getting worked up about anything mocking the Welsh, especially:
Rob Brydon: And in fact my father grew up in the same street, literally the same street, as Anthony Hopkins. Stephen Fry: Yeah...in England, we live in houses!
Another one, after Stephen asks a question about taffy (as in the American candy):
Rob: Is this another dig at my forefathers? Stephen: You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.
And then there's this:
Stephen Fry: How does the 'love bomb' work? Rob Brydon: I just turn up, and I get on with it.
Rich Hall's first line on the series, having been given a buzzer that made the sound of a clock tower chime, though it loses something in the writing. After the first question:
Rich [totally deadpan]: I just wanna say that it's 9 PM.
Phill Jupitus had a similar one.
Phill Jupitus: The Rank Organisation.
And sometimes, just the buzzer is enough:
Stephen Fry: What happens when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake?
And Stephen's speech about his Hungarian grandfather pronouncing Pythagoras "Peter Gorus" ("You learn the Peter Gorus!"), and then going on to explain how he pronounced "pineapple upside-down cake".
Stephen once told Jo about a handsome man, and she responded with some interest. This exchange ensued.
Stephen: Would you have a crack at him?
Jo: I'd wave my crack at him.
Some of the funniest moments involve forfeits that are not wrong answers per se, but potential jokes which are actually cheap laughs.
The first episode, "Adam", had one of these, after it had been explained that Caravaggio's "outrageous behavior on the tennis court" was accidentally killing a guy in the act of cutting off his testicles:
Alan: Over a game of tennis? Danny Baker: New balls, please! [klaxon]
Stephen: Skin is the answer. The largest organ in the body. Alan: It may be in your body. [laughter]I've got a huge cock. Stephen: I think we'll forfeit you for that. [klaxon] [Screen: "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF"]
Stephen: What has huge teeth and only one facial expression? Bill Bailey: Janet Street-Porter. [klaxon]
Stephen: Who suffered from Chagas [pronounced "shagas"] disease? Arthur Smith:[buzzes][in his best Sid James voice] I did, know what I mean? [Sid James laugh] I bloody shagged them all!... [klaxon] [Screen: "I DID"]
Stephen: Name a poisonous snake. Jimmy Carr: [buzzes] Piers Morgan. [klaxon]
David Mitchell's laugh after that is a thing of phonic beauty.
Stephen: Who finds garden gnomes attractive? Rob Brydon: I do, and it's lovely to get the opportunity to be able to admit it in public. Stephen: Good! Rob: [screen shows a garden gnome wearing a bikini] Phwoa, look at... [klaxon][Screen: "PHWOARR!"]
Sandi: If I had forfeited, I would have refudiated.
The first question asked in the K-series, in "Knees and Knockers":
Stephen: What is this? It's a noise. Listen carefully.
[the klaxon sounds]
Jack Whitehall: [buzzes] A klaxon.
Stephen: In a strange sort of way, pop just ate itself.
During a discussion about Aborigines in the Australia episode, Stephen brings up Native Americans. Alan says that it's more fun to call them redskins. Then, this:
Stephen Fry: I wouldn't try it, though, in America. Or you'll have your balls turned into a small purse.
Alan Davies: A very big purse, I think you'll find.
Jackie Clunes: [matter-of-factly] It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition.
Jimmy Carr: By a woman scorned?
Stephen Fry: Now, the scrotum is quite an interesting thing...
From the first episode "Adam", Stephen asks Hugh Laurie why Edward Woodward has four 'D's in his name. After Hugh gets interrupted by a buzzer and calls said buzzer presser out on it, Alan Davies starts talking about kiwi fruit.
"Do you realize what you're doing on national television?"
The reaction of everyone to Sean Lock's revelation that banana plants walk (especially when they found out he learned that on a trip to Colombia) and then everyone's reaction to the fact that he was later proved correct.
Rich Hall's explanation of how to defend yourself against an alligator using a paperclip, a paper bag, a crocodile clip, a handbag, and a rubber band.
Rich: When it says to defend yourself against an alligator, this is sort of the trick part of the question. This means if the alligator is litigious, and is trying to sue you, let's say because you're wearing his mom on your feet. There's a lot of paperwork involved in defending yourself in court against an alligator. You will need a paper clip for that.
Jeremy: Is that where the word "allegation" comes from?
Rich: Yes. However, you might need a paper bag. Alligators will taunt you before they attack you, and like a boxer, they will often hold a press conference, and they will say, "You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy!", and then you will have to prove that you can fight your way out of a paper bag before you can fight the alligator.
Stephen correcting Jeremy correcting Stephen:
Stephen: I refute that with every fibre of my being.
Jeremy: No you don't, to refute you have to provide evidence. You mean rebut.
Stephen: No I don't, I mean repudiate.
In Series B, Stephen reads the original advertisement for Pony Express riders:
Stephen Fry: Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders and willing to risk death daily.
Alan Davies: You wrote that.
Stephen Fry: ...Orphans preferred.
The role reversal in the B series Christmas episode. Alan was allowed to take over from Stephen as the chair (with Stephen mentioning that, traditionally, at Christmas the servants were waited on by the masters for a change) for the General Ignorance round. Naturally, he spent the entire round targeting Stephen with questions and delighting in hitting the klaxon, resulting in Stephen finishing last out of all five contestants.
Bonus points for Fry actually getting the first question right.
He got one of the following ones right too - which way does water go down the plughole in the northern hemisphere? Any way you want it to.
Phill's impression of Fry after Fry announces that he's tested his response (that you can make water drain either way) is icing on the cake:
Phill: "Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom? [imitating Fry] I'm pushing it to go one way, pushing it to go the other, I'm the master!"
In series B, while testing the buzzers, Phil Kay has a hilarious moment. The panelists aren't told what their noise would be, mostly to make sure Alan Davies is kept guessing. The topic was "birds", and each buzzer was a bird call; Phil "presses" his, while making a rooster crowing sound. He laughs at the jib, and actually presses it. It's a rooster crowing. (it's early, at 00:47 seconds in) His reaction is priceless!
Steven: I promise you, I did not know that— Phil: Let's...let's just check it again, make sure we weren't all having a hallucination...(hits the buzzer, and it's still a rooster crowing)
Rich Hall also has the line (on the topic of butterflies):
Rich: I think it's evil to put a food in front of any bug. To name it like a butterfly. Cause I would eat butterflies when I was a kid, because I thought they had butter in 'em. And honeybees.
Steven: There are two theories as to why- [laughs]
Rich: And a hamster.
Thomas Edison believed that 15 tiny people live in everyone's brain. After being asked how she would respond to someone who thought this, as a psychiatric nurse:
Jo Brand: Punch them to the ground!
In another reference to Jo having been a psychiatric nurse, after Stephen's description of Van Gogh:
Jo Brand: It was a bit more than that. I mean he was, like, seriously mentally ill, rather than, "not a happy bunny."
After a non-sequitur about fugu, Phill Jupitus mused about Stephen Fry visiting Japan.
Phill (As Japan being tread on): "Stomp stomp stomp!"
Alan on his Welsh roots: "Unfortunately, because of you English people destroying our natural culture and heritage, I don't know our own language. Cruel imperial invader! My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff and set up a restaurant in the East End."
This somehow becomes even funnier when he states, in a later series, that he's discovered that he doesn't actually have any Welsh roots at all.
The discussion of the Hokey Cokey.
Stephen Fry: There was an American version of the dance by a man called Larry LaPrise, and he died in 1996. What happened at his funeral?
Alan Davies:(Completely deadpan) Oh, they couldn't get him in the coffin.
Stephen Fry: Why is that?
Alan Davies: They put his left leg in, and then the troubles started.
Some more Rich Hall wisdom: "They say that the wheel was the greatest invention ever, but I think it was probably the second wheel. Because... you ever see a guy on a unicycle? What an asshole."
The entire episode "Bombs" could count as a series-wide Crowning Moment of Funny, but the funniest part is when Stephen brings up Boy Scouts...
Rich Hall: I was in the Boy Scouts. We went to 'Nam.
Alan Davies: Did you go in a helicopter gunship? With The Doors playing really loudly?
Three words: 'woof, woof, boom.'
Stephen: The male anglerfish latches on to the female, and the male's body, the skeleton, muscles, digestive, respiratory systems, all disappear and become the female's, until all that's left are two testes that shoot sperm into the female.
Jo Brand: Can I just say, that sounds a lot like my marriage.
In "Bats," Alan gets the klaxon three times in a row. Seconds later, he gets it a fourth time.
From Stephen: "I leave you with this quite interesting thought: *beat* Good night."
In the first episode of series C, Stephen asks what was the last place in Britain to be converted to Christianity. Rich Hall suggests "SatanIsMyMaster-on-Wye." Bill Bailey informs him that "it's pronounced Semster."
From the same episode, Rob Brydon keeps accusing the rest of the panel of mocking the Welsh.
Rob Brydon: Is this another dig at my forefathers? Stephen: You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.
Jeremy Clarkson: Sixty-two miles is what you're calling outer space. Did you know there was a man called Joe Kittinger who once jumped from a hot-air balloon at that height, in 1961? Rich Hall: Oh, Dead Joe Kittinger. [NB: He's not dead, and although Jeremy got the height drastically wrong as well as the date and the type of aircraft, Project Excelsior is still worth knowing about]
After a question about why the House Of Commons smells of urine (It used to be a public phone box?) and the panel deduce that most of the attendants wear tweed, we got this:
Jimmy Carr: And, as we all know, tweed is made of urine.
Stephen Fry: Yes, that's absolutely correct.
Jimmy Carr:(incredulous) It is? Where do you buy your tweed?
At the end of the same episode (Season C, episode 2, Cummingtonite), Stephen has them attempt to break a glass with their voice. Alan does so, but it's shown to have been faked, and Stephen mentions that his glass was a sugar glass, and takes another sugar glass and smashes it on his head. Arthur Smith picks up his glass and throws it at Alan, at which point everyone shouts "IT'S REAL! IT'S REAL!".
Alan Davies choking on his swazzle in the episode "Carnival."
Especially as Phill and Clive swazzle-laugh at him.
Stephen: If you don't take your swazzles out very soon, I will kill you.
Actually, he makes a disappointed sound, kinda like a puppet in a swazzle-puppet show.
The "Colour" episode. The entire thing was basically a Crowning Moment Of Funny: "I suggest a cummerbund for geography", "DEES PINK POLENTA I LOVE EET!", "Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates!?", etc.
The C season outtakes have the scene in which Stephen attempts to close the show with a Will Rogers joke, only to encounter stiff opposition from Rich Hall:
Rich Hall: Oh you're not going to do that crap joke again are you?
[a minute later after Stephen thanks the guests again and launches into the joke]
Rich: Don't do it Stephen!
The opener of the "Cockneys" episode features Stephen Fry's ridiculously posh take on Rhyming Slang. Considering he's pulling much of it out of thin air, it goes off the rails very quickly:
Stephen: Any flamencosnote flamenco dancers - answers given in pyongnote Pyongyang - slang score barneynote Barney Rubble - double.
Alan: What the FUCK are you talking about?!
The episode (Series C, Episode 7) in which Jeremy Clarkson tells a story about eating puffin, an action that he justifies with the slow and carefully delivered line: "I wanted to [eat] it, because it was something I had never tried before". After about half a second, Sean Lock brightly asks Clarkson, "Have you ever had one of my turds?"
"Would you like me to grate some puffin on that?"
Jeremy subsequently describes a seal's flipper as tasting "exactlylike licking a hot Turkish urinal." Sean Lock immediately expresses concern that he used the word "exactly".
Sean Lock discovering a portal to the underworld while Stephen Fry and Rory McGrath argue about Latin bird names.
In "Cat's Eyes", Rich Hall, on how ancient armies captured elephants: "Well, the truth is many of these elephants volunteered. They were living in a small town, no future, and the circus comes along, y'know, you gotta join".
In "Creatures", the first question is which of the 4 buzzer animals has the most chromosomes. Helen Atkinson-Wood suggests the chicken, because of all the eggs it lays. Stephen points out that a mosquito lays more eggs than a chicken does. Bill Bailey then says that it must then be the donkey, as the donkey lays more eggs than any of them.
From the episodes "Discoveries":
Clive Anderson: The mark of a true queen, Stephen...
Stephen Fry:(lasciviously) Yeeeees?
The episode about dogs. Jeremy Clarkson is a stitch in that one!
[After observing that dogs like to smell people's crotches, talking about the dog on the screen.] Jeremy Clarkson: It can smell my crotch! Neil Mullarkey: We all can.
"Descendants," the fourth-series Children in Need episode, has many, many a CMoF, but it all kind of comes to a head at the end when Stephen asks how much of the charity's income goes to administration.
Jonathan Ross:Ninety percent. Stephen: It would be depressing if that were true. It is, I'm happy to say, less than that. Alan: None! None at all! Stephen: You're right! Nada. Not one percent... Alan: There's no administration at all, it's a shambles! Stephen:[post-recovery] The first Children in Need telethon, what year would you guess it was? Alan: 1979. Stephen: Oh, you're only one year out! Alan: 1978. Stephen: Oh, wrong way! [Alan rolls his eyes] It's 1980. And how much did it raise? Jonathan: Twenty pounds. Stephen: It was about one million. Last year's appeal, seventeen million, two hundred and thirty-five thousand, two hundred and fifty-six pounds... Alan:That's not very good in terms of the rate of inflation, is it? Stephen: Are you urging the public to do better? Alan:[shrugs] They've probably got other things to spend their money on.
In the same episode, at around the halfway mark the questions proceed through such topics as The Clangers, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, the "Crazy Frog" ringtone, Geordie accents, and Terry Wogan and his televised 33-yard putt at Gleneagles. Familiar topics to the British panellists (Alan, Phill Jupitus, and Jonathan Ross), but rather alien to the panel's resident American, Rich Hall. After sitting in silence for nearly ten minutes, he hits his buzzer (which plays a Bill and Ben-esque "Flobbadobbadob!"):
Rich: Ever since The Clangers I've been lost. The last picture I recognised was the KKK, and that's just sad.
From the same episode, when Stephen asks what Kingpin put on Spiderman so that he would always know where he was, and Alan jokes "an ASBO".
Phill's ferns joke confusing the hell out of Stephen.
Phill: Ferns, they make a canny noise like. [later to Stephen] Never ever go to Newcastle!
"You have to let it sit, you have to let it go black, and then you have to push it back so that no more gas goes into it. Five twelfths of an inch is the ideal head round the top. ... And if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork."
And in response to Stephen's attempt at an Irish accent, "Well, the pub I worked in actually wasn't located in a movie from The Fifties..."
Fry asks what you might do with donkey milk;
Phill Jupitus: Donkey milk! It probably makes an amazing cheese. Stephen Fry: Well oddly enough that's the one thing it doesn't. Johnny Vaughan: Phill, come on, you're so naive. Sometimes, honestly... Phill Jupitus:[petulantly]I want donkey cheese!
Another gem from Divination in which Stephen Fry explains who Thomas Midgely is:
Stephen Fry: He discovered that iodine added to kerosene would reduce 'knocking' in cars, so he decided that allthough it slightly reduced it, slightly wasn't enough. He wanted to completely reduce it. So he tried every single chemical in the periodic table, until he came up with lead. And as a result, all motorcars, for seventy-odd years, put lead in their petrol. Creating billions and billions of dollars worth of, and millions of tons worth of lead into the atmosphere. Harming millions- probably- of people.
Phil Jupitus: And yet, he looks like a lovely fellow.
Stephen Fry: Something- it was his guilt about that that lead him to think about doing something about that nasty old sulphur dioxide, and the nasty old ammonia, that we used in refridgeration. So, he discovered in three days, dichlorofluoromethane. And he was very proud of that, because it's inert, it's non-toxic, it's beneficial, the first of the freons. What did he not know it was also doing?
Phil Jupitus: Destroying the ozone layer.
Stephen Fry: Destroying the ozone layer! Not content with thousands and hundreds of millions of tons of lead...
Johnny Vaughan: What was his next trick? The cigarette! "I'm sick of not having smoke going into my lungs!"
Phil Jupitus: Then he decided to cut out the middle-man, and just kill babies with hammers!
Stephen Fry: So, he's put lead in petrol, he's invented CFCs, but then he was struck by polio, at the age of fifty-one.
Stephen is explaining how a woman slipped and fell on to a knife sticking out of her dishwasher. Alan is a bit perplexed, and Stephen claims he's cut himself doing this because loading the knife with the point of the blade up 'gets a better clean', to which Phill utters the immortal retort:
I clean my knives on a crossbow! Some people say it's foolish... I put them in the hoover and set it on Blow, and then just shoot water at them around the kitchen, as I sit with the plug bare-wired at my feet, peeing on it! "You get a better clean."
Stephen's description of how other London Gangsters used to have to compliment Ronnie Kray's boyfriends to avoid offending him.
From the Dictionaries episode, after explaining Didcot Power Station was named the second worst eyesore in the country:
Rory Bremner: Do you know what was number 1?
Phil Jupitus: [in an exaggerated posh accent] People, public people, the working classes. Poorly groomed servants, ill-bred ponies. That Blair fellow.
Stephen Fry: If I find out you've been intercepting my mail.
Death: "I've just been looking at the scoreboard, and at the moment the audience is winning."
Danger: "What's 3 times more dangerous than war?" "Three wars".
The moonwalking manakin bird. The backwards walk is already funny, but it's when it moves sideways back into view that really makes the clip.
From the same episode: the "A Night to Remember" sing- and dance-along.
Johnny Vegas desperately trying to get the "Elephant in the Room" bonus shortly afterward:
Stephen: When did rabbits arrive in Britain? Alan: Tuesday. Stephen: Do you remember what year it was? Alan: Three thousand years ago. Tuesday morning. Johnny: [buzz] There's an elephant in this question!
Stephen: But the extraordinary thing about the introduction of rabbits into Britain was that they were kept in these warrens which were run by— Johnny: ELEPHANTS! Stephen: —people called warreners.
The question about what cornflakes were originally used for, and Johnny Vegas's joke response;
Johnny: It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device. Stephen: Johnny Vegas! (Dramatic Pause) ...take some points! Johnny: You're jokin'!
From "Espionage", Stephen asks how gummi bears could be used to rob a bank and the panellists start coming up with the stupidest things they can imagine.
From the "Everything" episode, Stephen is talking about car accident statistics and says that the "most dangerous" cars in the world are green and driven in China.
Alan: They're called tanks.
Alan explaining his cat incident in the "Endings" episode.
Also, during the question on emperors:
Alan: Haile Selassie?
Stephen: Before Haile Selassie.
Jimmy and Alan:(at the same time) Lowly Salassie?
When asked to name an island:
Alan: Is this that one where they got stuck and that guy had to walk for ages?
Stephen: Yes, actually. For about eight months he walked around.
Jimmy: Is it The Island Of Reluctant But Inevitable Homosexuality? I think I recognize it, from a school trip that went horribly wrong.
Stephen: Lord Of The Undone Flies.
The "Electricity" episode has a bunch of good moments, including "Wo ist mein Handy?", Sean Lock inventing the gherkinPod and Alan and Jo Brand being deliberately obtuse when asked questions about lightning strikes:
Stephen: How many times do you think lightning strikes the Earth every day?
Stephen: So we've got four. I can say that it's more than four.
Jo: Is it five?
[later, on the question of how many Britons are killed by lightning each year...]
Stephen: It's between three and six.
Alan: Four or five.
In the same episode, Jo Brand, Alan and Stephen got into a lengthy argument over the fact that the term "boat", in navy parlance, actually refers to submarines. Jo Brand just refused to believe it, and at the argument's end Rich Hall said "and I'll tell you something else, there's not two moons".
Also, Stephen getting a crush on a horse.
After Stephen Fry said the Belgians were named after a tribe originally from the region of Westminster:
Phil Jupitus: I dare say someone just threw his pipe at the television. [Upper class accent] Fry just called me Belgian! Where's my gun?
In "Empire", Alan notices something running really fast in the background for one of the screens. He becomes determined to see it when it runs by again.
Jo Brand setting off the klaxon for almost every single answer she gives.
The extended version of the Series F episode "Fingers and Fumbs." All of it. But particularly the snogging forecast, Stephen's "funbags" (and Phil's reaction), the largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe and the queue for taking the duck into the echo chamber.
"But Stephen, I can only get a forfeit if I say 'fuck!'"
Following a discussion on the number of muscles used in frowning and smiling, the stupidity of pointing out the difference in order to make people be more friendly, and the fact that there are no muscles in fingers:
Alan: [frowning and smiling at the same time, sort of] "I'm using 23 muscles!" [holds up middle finger] "Still 23!"
Alan: Is it true that there's more oestrogen in the water supply at that more and more people are turning gay? Jo: No, that's just you.
In the "France" episode from the F series, in the lead-in to a question about a giant elephant-shaped building which was planned for the spot now occupied by the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, Alan declared "There's an elephant in the room" and dug out his elephant placard - which was still there after the previous series. An amazed Stephen promptly gave Alan bonus points.
Hell, everything about that episode was funny. Stephen starts off by asking Alan a question is French. Alan's face of pure puzzlement just sells it.
During a discussion on how Samuel Beckett used to drive around Andrč the Giant and used to be a cricketeer:
Phill Jupitus:(mock upper-class accent)The Mick doesn't play cricket, Stephen!
The "Films and Fame" episode had a discussion on the supposed fact that if a hedgehog's fleas are removed it will die turning out to actually be a myth. Following a funny rant from David Mitchell in response to Alan Davies saying humans shouldn't eat bread and milk, Stephen then goes on to talk about how David had actually reported in his Radio 4 programme "The Unbelievable Truth" that hedgehogs WOULD die if their fleas were removed, prompting:
David: Yeah, just... people give you this shit and you read it out.
It was not merely a "funny rant." David Mitchell verbally castrated Alan Davies, though Alan had an unconvincing argument (that bread and milk are bad for humans). Here, watch the carnage for yourself.
Stephen: You shake hands and be friends now..
This was followed up with a question on how often Shakespeare mentioned cricket; he did several times, again contrary to what David had read out on The Unbelievable Truth. All this was then topped off with Stephen and Alan, as well as QI's creator John Lloyd, being invited onto The Unbelievable Truth for a 'rematch' in a QI-themed special.
Emma Thompson's appearance on the show. First she told a story of how she could make Stephen scream by threatening to show him her "breests" (as Stephen called them) and by appearing nude in front of him while the doors were locked so he couldn't escape. Then, after Stephen asked if she waxed "down there", she threatened to flash him, scaring him silly.
Stephen: Do you wax yourself down there, darling? Emma: [starts to stand] Do you want to see? Stephen: [recoiling]NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE!! No, I do not! Oh, Lord...
The 'prostitute racing in the Vatican' bit and its call backs in "Flotsam And Jetsam". Also Alan talking about sports team's pictures and Mick Jagger's walk.
From the same episode, Stephen tells the panel how Burt Ward used to send thousands of autographs to women written in his own sperm. He then gets a message in his earpiece and is informed that he completely misunderstood, and that Ward just used "giving them the ultimate autograph" as a euphemism for sex.
Alan's story about the time his Alsatian came to wake him up one morning, led him into the kitchen and showed him that there was a frog in its water bowl. Have a link.
David: That's a bit late for the 20th century, I say. You have a lot riding on 1 + 1 = 2. Quite a lot of building going on, an international economy...what happens if you find out 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2? What do we do? Just burn everything! God knows anything can fall on your head. Money? You might as well eat it. Just forget civilisation.
In "Fakes and Frauds" there's the klaxon sounding over what the buzzers really are, the constant Call Backs to the pig-ladies and Stephen summarizing 'a French artist trying to make a point' as 'a git, basically'.
From "Food", a discussion about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police gets a bit off topic:
David Mitchell: So they have no unmounted police?
Stephen: Well, I don't know...
David: 'Cause that must be difficult on raids of, of small flats. [mimes hitting his head on a low ceiling] "OW! My head!"
Jimmy Carr: You should see the squad cars! They're a mess, David, they are a mess.
David: Imagine trying to chase a heroin addict up a small staircase on a horse, it's ridiculous!
Alan: All the heroin addicts would know to head for the small staircase!
Stephen: Yes, they would!
David: It's like trying to police a country with Daleks!
Jimmy: Which'd never work with the disabled access we've got now, the Daleks can get everywhere.
David: Yeah, do you think- Jimmy, are you saying that you think that disabled access is a Dalek conspiracy?!
Alan making reference to how vacuum cleaners used to be massive horse-drawn things for cleaning streets. Then...
Stephen: I remember seeing that on a program called QI.
Alan's face is the saddest reply ever.
Stephen's brain fart in "Gothic":
Stephen: Speaking of this kind of infectious issue... Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. (turns to Jimmy Carr) Jimmy, you're now a zombie. You bite Jack. (turns to Jack Dee) Jack bites... (turns to Sue Perkins) Melnote Mel Giedroyc being Sue Perkins' former comedy performing partner, and so on.
Stephen Fry: Why don't we have more women as guests on QI?
Ronni Ancona: Is this to do with the fact that people always say there aren't as many female comedians as there are men? Because, you know what, there's loads of female comedians, it's just that we never see them, because they're being systematically rounded up and kept in a pen just outside Harwich. But you can go and see them, and adopt them online, and you can visit them and feed them lines, and you might get a joke back. And then sometimes, some of them escape and disguise themselves as male comedians, but you can always tell which ones: it's the ones with the beards, just like The Life of Brian.
IMAGINE IF YOU WILL... a lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath, the sun GLINT-ing off his very eyes. For! He is making his way back from an evening at the INN, where he has partaken of mead, and other... lascivious beverages. ADORNING THE CHIN OF SAID STOUT FELLOW... are pimples! For! They betray his excesses, and these, at the time, were known... as... [looks straight into the camera] Marty Fitch, 01-287-469, available for panto... [looks back at the panel]grog blossom.
Also from the XL version of "Gallimaufrey", the discussion of various unusual alarm clocks, such as one that donates money to a political cause you hate each time you press the snooze button, or one that runs off and hides when you press the snooze button.
Andy Hamilton: That's a very demoralising start to the day, isn't it, being outwitted by a clock?
Bill Bailey:(to Tennant, sotto voce) What's he talking about?
David Tennant: Don't listen to the bad man.
Bill Bailey: Yeah, I know, it's a documentary.
Later, after Lee Mack makes a snide remark about Tennant being a Thrifty Scot, Tennant starts waving his pen around like a Sonic Screwdriver. He then makes an observation that during World War II, the British army had a tank touring throughout the UK, and encouraged people to chuck their spare change into the tank for the war effort.
Tennant: And where did they get the most money? Glasgow!
Lee Mack: Yeah, 'cause they thought it was a big fruit machine. 'Look, I won a soldier, Mummy!'"
From the 6th episode of the G series "Genius", the surreal digression prompted by Alan Davies' observation that a man in a Renaissance painting of the death of da Vinci bears an uncanny resemblance to 1970s British actor Rodney Bewes.
Dara Ó Briain: So, Rodney Bewes is the Highlander?
David Mitchell: What a weird, unsettling thing to discover that would be. In the context of the credit crunch and everything, suddenly to discover that Rodney Bewes was immortal... I mean, can you imagine on the news them going [serious voice] "And today it emerged that actor Rodney Bewes has been alive for as long as time"?
David: IT'S CRUEL! IT'S SO CRUEL![turning to Stephen] It's just the technique of the bully! You hit us, then you go, "Oh, what, did you think I was going to hit you? No I'm not going to hit you, no. This is my hand...to stroke you." And we're here going [whimpering]"Aahh! Aaaahhh! He's stroking me!!!"
From the "Groovy" episode, Bill Bailey suggesting the word 'cool' originated with "jazz Nazis."
Bill Bailey: [German accent] "Zees new uniforms are cool!"
Alan Davies: [German accent] "I joined ze Nazi party. Zey're cool, daddy-o! And bezides, I have no choice."
Bill Bailey: "I burned down a Reichstag. Cool!"
From the episode on Germany...
Stephen Fry: What happens on November 11th in Germany?
Alan Davies: [German accent] Everything proceeds as normal.
Rob Brydon: They laughed at Edison, you know, they—
Stephen Fry: They laughed at a lot of weirdos as well, though, Rob. [beat] You know, they did! I was just saying...
The Series G episode "Greats," particularly the discussion on giant tortoises. David Mitchell, Sean Lock and Alan Davies discussing why it took 300 years to give a Latin name to the giant tortoise is much, much funnier than it sounds.
The "Gardens" episode features a discussion of bees and feeding them honey to help them get better, which is followed up by Alan accusing Dara Ó Briain of being a murderer after he says his normal reaction is to just kill them, which is then itself followed by a discussion about feeding bees more honey than they make in a lifetime, which ends with them talking about killing bees ironically by drowning them in honey.
Dara Ó Briain: This is more honey than this bee has ever before seen in its life!!
David Mitchell: You're insulting it apart from anything else. It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral!
Series G episode "Greeks": What are Olympic gold medals made of? The panel collectively hesitates for about 20 seconds before Alan Davies gives in and says "gold" which of course is the forfeit answer.
In the XL version of Gardens, reciting the "I'm a little teapot" rhyme, only to realise, in mid-flow, "Oh bugger, I'm a sugar bowl."* (Neither of his arms was in the correct position for "spout". Long-term viewers of such children's fare as Lamb-Chop's Playalong may recall the gag was used there as well.)
The Series G episode "Green," where Jeremy Clarkson (of all people!) chides Stephen for wasting electricity by having two large screens to project images and getting him to turn one of them off, meaning that half the panel has to sit on the other side of the set for the rest of the show. Stephen then says: "And people say you're an enemy of the environment!"
Jeremy then declares that this is just a cunning scheme to ensure Bill Bailey will have to sit on his lap, but he's doomed to disappointment.
He also came up with a complex scheme for putting tortoises on motorised wheels to help you carry things back from the shops.
In the episode "Germany," Rob Brydon keeps going on and on and on about his new, long socks. He shows them off, waxes poetic about the feeling of security he gets from them, even draws the audience in on it. The rest of the panel mocks him mercilessly for this. And then eventually a picture of Hitler appears on the screen, wearing long socks.
Rob: Say what you want about the man... But nice socks.
Johnny: [upon hearing that the columns on the Parthenon look straight because they are]That's not a question! "Why does this man look thin? Because he is." ... This is why I struggled in school! "If a train travels at 40 miles an hour and leaves at 9 o'clock and arrives in Glasgow at 12 o'clock, how did it get there?" And you're going, "'Cause it did!"... [holds up his notebook with a squiggly line drawn on it] "Why does that look straight?" "Because it's not!" That could have been a question. [draws a straight line] "Why does that look straight? Because it IS!" [breaks down sobbing]
In the XL version of the episode, Rob Brydon appears to place himself in the camp that finds Johnny's contributions of limited value, leading to a number of hilarious confrontations with Stephen when he appears less interested in Rob's factual contributions than Johnny's bizarre outbursts. This culminates in the discussion following a question about how many cricket pitches could fit into the state of Kansas, when Rob spins from the fact that the capital of Kansas is Topeka to the fact that Elvis Presley was born in the similar-sounding Tupelo, and proceeds to recite a condensed Presley biography. David Mitchell's expression of mounting confusion at how this is relevant to the discussion at hand is priceless.
David: It's like Radio 2 in the middle of the night!
Rob:[mock outrage, indicating Johnny] He has come up with such bilge and you sit there like we're in Rain Man, loving it! I come out with something factual!And there are a lot of Elvis fans out there who will be loving that!
This is immediately followed by a question about the best place to see the future, and Rob muses on the fact that the best way to predict the future is to look for patterns in the past. Johnny apparently senses a Berserk Button to be pressed:
Johnny:[placing his hand on Rob's shoulder] When are you gonna realise he's not interested?
Rob: Listen, you- [to Stephen] Tell him you're interested!
Stephen: I'm very interested in that, that's a very, very good answer!
Rob:[to Johnny] Unlike when you speak, he's not frightened!
[later, after David correctly guesses "by the International Date Line"]
Johnny: Does it have the magic hill, where you're going up, even though you're... [indicates going downhill]
Stephen: Oh, it's not that, no, it's not that, no, this is literally the Date Line-
Johnny:[to Rob] See, that was stupid, but he entertained me!
Stephen: No, it wasn't stupid-
Johnny: I knew that was wrong, and he went, "No, of course it's not, Johnny", but with you, he just doesn't like you!
[Rob folds his arms and turns away, feigning offence]
The discussion of onomatopoeic words:
Stephen: It's not that every single word in every language is onomatopoeic; it's merely an example like that. Rob: They often are, though, aren't they? Stephen: They often are. Rob: [slaps table] Desk. Stephen: Yeah. And- Rob: Desk. [picking up various objects] Tin! Tin! Tin! Tin! Boooooooooooook. Pen! Alan: This is how you teach a chimp to speak. Rob: Then pay attention. Paper.
After Jonny's response about playing in God by water-skiing down the the International Date Line:
Rob: I wouldn't be surprised now if my parents came in and had a quiet word with you and asked if Jonny could be taken to another class because they feel that Rob isn't learning.
During the Groovy episode, Stephen explains that "groovy" may also have had sexual connotations for the "lady bits".
David Tennant: Oh hello.
From the G series: when Alan is given a saw. First he attempts to saw a notebook, then a QI cheat card, then his desk - and succeeds. And then he attempts the plastic trees.
David Mitchell: I really wish they hadn't made this set out of asbestos.
Ronni Ancona, when asked about a book called The Long Years of Obscurity:
Ronni: Is this book about the word Obscurity before it got famous, how it was beaten by its adjective father, and left on the doorstep and abandoned by its mother, and then it was the only noun growing up in a house of verbs, and the verbs were always going out doing lovely things, because they're doing words, and poor Obscurity was stuck inside suffering from asthma, and then after school it was surrounded by quotation marks and got beaten up terribly, and then one day it entered into a reality TV show and it became very famous, and it was much in demand and used to describe all the people that leave Big Brother House?
From the same episode, the introduction of Ancona's Mary Kingsley voice.
Ronni: It is so hard to wear yellow well, you know.
Stephen gets in on the fun, as well:
Stephen: Of course, you never knew Hitler, did you?
Alan recounting how he was mistaken for AlanPartridge by a drunken Scotsman.
In "Germany", several of the 'Don't mention the war' moments are pretty funny. In one, Sean Lock says that the Germans simply walked into Holland whenever they wanted. When he hears the klaxon, he says that he didn't mention the war: "I was talking about the Great Geschmertznift of 1762 when they just walked into Holland." Also this one:
Stephen: ...the Hollanders were at war with Britain many times... Jo: You mentioned the war. Stephen: 'At war with', not 'the war'. Sean (pointing at Jo): You did. [Jo covers her face, realizing what she's done; klaxon sounds] Stephen: It's a minefield!
In the series opener, "Hodge Podge", Alan got the klaxon for his buzzer again, putting him at -10 before the first question of the series was asked.
Daniel portrays himself as a ruthless points-whore throughout the episode, at one point openly regretting not knowing something because it would have given him "precious, precious points."
Graham Norton isn't fond of the jokes in the Christmas crackers the panel gets.
Graham:[reads joke, gives Stephen a look] Did you write these? Stephen: Are they good? Graham: It just sounds like something you might write. "Knock knock." Stephen: Who's there? Graham: "To." Stephen: To who? Graham: "To whom, surely."
From the H series episode "Health and Safety":
Jeremy Clarkson: I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped discs-
Alan Davies: And a partridge in a pear tree!
Alan's buzzer for the "Horrible" episode. The first three were somebody retching, a man shouting "That is disgusting!", somebody being violently sick, and then his was "Hello, I'm Piers Morgan."
"Mighty fuhrer of the sausage people!"
Also from "Highs and Lows," on learning that a certain type of cricket's chirping corresponds with the temperature outside, Rob Brydon has a slip of the tongue:
Rich: Funniest thing I ever saw was John McCririck fall out of a boat.
Stephen:[looks very interested]Really?
Rich: Pretended it didn't happen, and I was interviewing him, and so none of the crew could laugh until two hours later. Everyone laughed at the same time and didn't stop for half an hour. They kept it in for two hours. It is possible.
Stephen: That's fantastic. Because he was so... Sort of... Pompously refusing...?
Rich: Well, yeah, he's a big, blustery guy, and he had a cigar... And he fell right on top of me. And then fell out of the boat. And then got back in and said; 'Right. Where were we?' [makes 'Whut?' face] 'You just fell out of the boat! You're dripping wet!' Cigar just hanging out of his mouth... Guy pretended it never happened! So we all pretended it didn't happen until two hours later. We're driving back and the guy driving was just... [makes zig-zag gesture] ..almost wrecked, he was laughing so hard.
In "Hypnosis, Hallucinations & Hysteria", Stephen brings out a live lobster out from under his desk, demonstrates how to hypnotize it (you stroke its back), and then expects it to wake up when he lifts it off of the desk... except it doesn't wake up. So he stuffs it quietly underneath his desk, and pretends it never happened.
"That's dinner sorted."
Robert Webb's reaction to (knowingly) setting off the klaxon. Both times.
Phill Jupitus has a minor breakdown over a revelation over the setting sun.
Phill: I....hate this show. 'Cause the sun...is there! And you're like [imitating Stephen]NO. It's the Sun! [imitating Stephen again]NOT THERE.MIRAAAAGGGEEEE.
Even better after the speak about the dangers New Zealand drivers face when driving into the sunset.
Phill: Well I dare say the drivers of New Zealand when they see the sun setting, are reassured to know...that it's notthere.
From "I-Spy", in a discussion about how aye-ayes are so ugly they don't want to mate with each other, but they live in the dark:
Lee Mack: That's how Jimmy mates.
Jimmy Carr: I can't believe your wife told you that story.
At the QI Sport Relief special (recorded at the same session as "I-Spy"), Alan guesses that the most popular sport in Britain in 1835 was horse racing and sets off the klaxon yet again:
Alan: I have that noise in my sleep now. Even my dreams are wrong!
Jimmy Carr: D'you know what? I've had a few of those, Alan, it's nothing to worry about.
Season "I"(9) Episode 2 "International" sees David Mitchell trip the klaxon three times on one question, because he spent the first two arguing with the klaxon. Here.
[the question is "When was the First World War first named as such"]
David: It's gonna be some point after 1939, isn't it.
[klaxon][screen flashes "1939"]
David: Excuse me!... I think what I said, people in the box, is "after 1939". Which may contain 1939, but does not mean it.
[klaxon][screen flashes "AFTER THE SECOND WORLD WAR"]
David: Okay! No no no! "After 1939" and "After the Second World War" are not synonymous; now this is just giving you time to type "After 1939"!
[klaxon][screen flashes "DURING THE SECOND WORLD WAR"]
Earlier on in the episode, Bill Bailey jokes about using his "Nobody Knows" card when the subject of the scoring system comes up. Funny by itself, but a minute later Stephen checks the scores and announces Bill has 3 points.
David Mitchell: Why three?
Stephen's giant fake mustache - and the comment that it'll probably have its own website soon - and the weird gadgets men used to use for them.
Stephen: Tell me something quite interesting about the original geishas.
Jack Dee:[sarcastically] They were all men.
Jack: Oh, God!...
From "The Immortal Bard", Sue Perkins' reaction upon being told The Lion King was based on Hamlet:
Sue: At which point does Hamlet say "Hakuna Matata"?!
At one point, the discussion moves to Morris dancers. Bill Bailey points out that if anyone were to take a photograph of the panel at that moment - all dressed up in Elizabethan attire with a Morris man in the background - they would end up as a joke report on foreign news networks.
Bill: Et finalement, les anglais!* And finally, the English! PWAHA!
From "Jargon", Victoria Coren reveals she had a nightmare about her first appearance on the show, where Stephen asks "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?" and she got the klaxon on "Worship It." What was the last question on the show? You guessed it. And did Victoria set off the klaxon? Of course she did. It's not clear whether the question was added on the fly (in which case it would double as a Moment of Awesome for her and the QI Elves), or if she somehow knew it would be asked.
The forfeit was in a different font than usual, suggesting the former. And hopefully she didn't get docked actual points, since it wasn't a real question, though she won the game in any case.
Discussion about birds goes into more and more innuendo laden names (Jizz, Tit-master, Spotty Chested Member). When Stephen asks where would one of them be found Victoria Coren finally snaps.
Victoria: Breast-Cock Lane?
It becomes even better when you realise that Victoria had been really nervous about coming on the show, then they spent the entire thing making off colour jokes about genitalia.
Stephen: A normal male ejaculation, if there is such a thing -
Victoria:[indignant] I came here to talk about the Aztecs.
From "Jam", when Stephen tells the team to eat miracle berry, his instructions become a veritable innuendo storm:
Stephen: Don't swallow it. Roll it around your tongue. Try and do a bit of action on it. Spread it all over your tongue. Don't swallow it. I want it to cover all of your tongue. It does something extraordinary to your tongue.
Alan: I must remember this speech.
Also from the same episode, where the team was discussing Marie Antoinette's breast shaped utensils:
Stephen: Now, we all know how to make Cock Soup. But how would you make manish water?
Bill: ... Sorry, I don't know how to make Cock Soup.
Stephen: Cock-a-leekie! Chicken Soup.
Bill: Oh I see. I thought it was some terrible euphemism.
Stephen: A euphemism for pheasant?
In "Joints", Jack Whitehall's constant schoolboy flirting with Stephen Fry.
Jack: My sphincter just tightened.
In "Jungles", Genre Savvy Alan managed to trick Greg Proops into a penalty.
Stephen: What would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?
Alan: He gets around by swinging... what does he swing on, Greg?
After 10 series, Alan starts suspecting a klaxon no matter how simple the instruction.
Stephen: Alan, what I'd like you to do is to press your buzzer.
Alan: (doesn't want to) ... It's gonna be a trap.
In "Jumpers", when a conversation about loo rolls has somehow, somehow managed to find its way to the idea of the seats being outfitted to double as sex toys:
Stephen: I have to tell you that the little baby Jesus, whom I have never believed in until this minute, has told me to change the subject.
In "Jobs", Fry brings up Alice in Wonderland, and consequently, the Tim Burton film, who he had the voice role of the Chesire Cat in. Pretending to struggle remembering who voiced the character, ala Rule of Funny, Alan answers with "Hugh Laurie".
Stephen: [Disonantly happily] Minus 2000 points.
In "Jingle Bells", Stephen's attempt to convince Sarah Millican to raise a "shiny" baby leads Phill Jupitus to suspect him of owning a baby-buffing workshop.
Canadian comedienne and first-time guest Katherine Ryan reveals that "shagging the dog" is a Canadian idiom meaning to intentionally lax your standards when doing work. Needless to say this caused a lot of merriment because the term has an entirelydifferent meaning in British English. To say nothing of the subsequent Digging Yourself Deeper...
Katherine: Yeah, like if you're not working very hard you're just shagging the dog. (Beat, while this sinks in) Stephen: Not in this country, madam! In this country when we shag a dog we know what we're doing! And it's pretty hard work, let me tell you.
The same episode causes a lot of Accidental Innuendo-laden talk near the end when Stephen attempts to show exactly how an explosion could happen in a custard factory.
Phill Jupitus: This... There's just too many double entendres! You "pumping custard"... Stephen: Oh, stop it. (To the audience) Are you ready for me to pump the custard? Phill: OH MY GOD.
And once the experiment is over:
Alan: I could feel the heat! If I had been sitting [in his usual place], I could have been ignited. Stephen: You could have been covered in hot custard. (Massive waves of laughter) Phill: I told you!
"Knits and Knots" brings us Ross Noble and Alan Davies trying to separate cuffs.
Episode 06, "Killers", has Sandi Toksvig getting so many wild guesses right that Stephen eventually starts accusing her of cribbing his notes.
Not to mention Stephen (who is gay) and Sandi (who is also gay), swooning over Trevor Noah and his impressive knowledge of werewolves and his singing of Miriam Makeba's "Qongqothwane", a.k.a. "The Click Song".
In his debut appearance on "Knowledge", Graham Linehan expresses dismay when he finishes in fifth place, behind the audience.
Graham: But I'm on the show!
Near the end of "Kinetic", Stephen asks about the largest waterfall in the world. After a few guesses and a forfeit, he reveals that it's a currently unnamed underwater waterfall of cold water. Moving along, he asks for the largest river in the world (it's in the sky) and the largest river that is actually on the ground (the Rio Hamza, a subterranean river beneath the Amazon), giving out forfeits appropriately. And then he asks for the largest animal in the world, at which point Alan is not inclined to answer. So Marcus Brigstocke buzzes in and offers the blue whale, which is the correct answer. Alan's reaction is priceless.
About a third of the way into "Keeps," the audience gets the klaxon for saying there are 1024 bytes are in a kilobyte (the correct answer being 1000; 1024 bytes now, apparently, make a kibibyte.)
Or Janet Street-Porter describing her ex-husband's "irrational fear of tomatoes":
Sandi: Did he know why?
Stephen: Irrational. If there was a reason, then it would be a rational fear of tomatoes.
Sandi: There is no such thing as a "rational fear of tomatoes"!
In "Kris Kringle", after the klaxon "Because [Santa Claus] isn't real", Phil turns around and starts staring at it in absolute shock, complete with holding onto the panel for support, and then runs to hug Stephen for comfort.
Brendan O'Carroll's phone goes off during the show.
Episode 8 - Anstötande (Offensive)
Anders' buzzer. After the previous three were disgusting bodily functions...
Buzzer: Hi, my name's Anders Jansson!
Episode 4 - Bombastic
Anders utilizing his buzzer.
Johan:(about the deadliest creature that ever existed) It's the bacteria Methanosarcina. Methanosarcina released so much methane that it may have caused the greatest disaster in human history. It was called the "Great Death" and happened 250 million years ago. 90% of all species died as methane is a greenhouse gas half of all oxygen disappeared in the process.
Anders: But the 10% that were left had tons of fun!
Buzzer: Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb...
About what a Spanish fisherman found near the fisher village Palomares, after "a treasure" got the klaxon:
Suzanna: Something completely worthless.
Anders: Why would that make him famous? "Look, I found something completely worthless!"
Episode 5 - Bedrägligt (Deceptive)
Anders musing what a postcard from the made-up country of Poyais, after being told two thirds of the people who fell for it died in the Bay of Honduras:
Anders: "We're having a great time; one of my granddads has malaria and the other's dead, so..."
And the contestants mocking the excessive rouge on the portrait of the man who started the con:
Karin: But he's a bit embarassed over it, you can see that.
Anders:(about what the conman did with his money) He bought rouge with it!