Quotes / QI

Stephen Fry: None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?!

Al Murray: That's not knowledge; that's a crapshoot!
Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI!

John Sergeant: I'm getting the spirit of this show! It's about sex, isn't it?
Stephen Fry: It- It kind of is.

Stephen Fry: We only call ourselves "Quite Interesting", we don't call ourselves "Astonishing".

Stephen Fry: And to General Ignorance, where we ask Alan Davies...is this a rhetorical question?
(awkward pause)
Alan Davies: (hesitantly) No.
(another pause)
Stephen Fry: Quite right.

Stephen Fry: He (Niels Bohr) also said, of quantum physics: "if you're not shocked by it, then you haven't understood it".
Alan Davies: Yeah. It's like this show, isn't it?

Stephen Fry: I fear we have gained some insight into what life would be like in an old people's home.

Stephen Fry: Why do [the Royal Family] open their presents on Christmas Eve?
Jo Brand: Because they're all fucking mad!
Stephen Fry: No - because they're all fucking German.

Stephen Fry: Name a poisonous snake.
Jimmy Carr: Piers Morgan?

Rich Hall: Finally this show gets back on firm, heterosexual footing.

Stephen Fry: What you need is length and thickness...
Alan Davies: That is going to be snipped out, straight on YouTube.

Stephen Fry: [with both hands on his hips] Do you know that rhyme? "I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here's my handle... oh bugger, I'm a sugar bowl."

Rich Hall: In space, no-one can hear you apologize.

Stephen Fry: What's the biggest load of rubbish in the world?
Woman in the audience: France.

[While having a discussion about cockfighting.]
Stephen Fry: Er, it says here that a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean.
Alan Davies: Yeah.
Clive Anderson: Yes...
Phill Jupitus: You're watching QI for the Straight Guy.

Sean Lock: We're the only creatures, Johnny, who like to show off. Apart from Peacocks... and quite a few others, come to think of it... All of the ones with the spines, and the horns... yeah.

[During a question where the panelists have to identify examples of the others' handwriting.]
Alan Davies: How did you know?
Phill Jupitus: I just thought: "that looks like Alan wrote it". Which is the only way you can play this game!

Stephen Fry: we've raised the bar a little for this one in recognition of the presence amongst us of the noted historian David Mitchell of Peterhouse Cambridge. So, David, we'd like you to name the 5732 provisions affecting the enclave of Baarle Hertog in the treaty of Mastricht. Your time starts now.
David Mitchell: Well... this is an easy one. The enclave actually only exists theoretically, because it's a sort of sand bank, which was once farmed but was flooded in the 14th century, and it exists between Denmark and Germany in the Heligoland Bight, but it's sort of been an anomaly in diplomatic law ever since then, because there were arguments over who owned it theoretically even though no one could go there. And so the 5732 provisions are... actually it's a provision for each of the former states of the Holy Roman Empire, before it was dissolved by Napoleon.
Audience: (begins to applaud)
Stephen Fry: That is absolutely wrong.

[Having correctly answered a question about what will happen if a shoal of piranhas meet a dolphin by saying that the dolphin will eat the piranhas]
Jimmy Carr: I only said that because it was the opposite of what I thought it was!

Jimmy Carr: Let's face it: The gene pool needs a little chlorine. You know who you are.

Stephen Fry: Who are the lords of shouting?
Alan Davies & Jo Brand: WE are!!!

Sean Lock: I hear voices, but I just ignore them and carry on killing.

Stephen Fry: [On Japanese War Tubas] Can anyone tell me what these were used for?
Sandi Toksvig: Are they over large hearing devices?
Stephen: Yes!
Sandi: What?!

Jimmy Carr: Surely the whole nature of this show will mean that the unknown soldier, it'll be that he wasn't a soldier, they knew him and he wasn't dead.

"It's easy to win on QI
You don't need an IQ that's high
Try not to be haughty
Just be a bit naughty
And try to please Stephen Fry."
—Alan's limerick, Jolly.

Stephen Fry: And finally: how many brains did the man with two brains have?
[Long, reluctant pause]
Alan Davies: Two.
Stephen Fry: [Indulgently] Yes. [Everyone looks disgruntled] That's brilliant!
David Mitchell: IT'S SO CRUEL!
Stephen Fry: He's wise enough to spot a double bluff!
David Mitchell: It's just the technique of the bully! You hit us, and then you go: [Exaggerated innocence] "Oh what, did you think I was going to hit you? Me? Oh no, I'm reaching out my hand to stroke you." And we're here: [Miming a panic attack while being stroked] "Ahhhh! He's stroking me!"

Bill Bailey [upon being informed that if you fire a gun and drop a bullet you're holding in your hand simultaneously, then both bullets will hit the ground at exactly the same time]: Is there any practical use for this information?

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